All the Leaves Are Brown. All the Bands Are White. 2023 DIY Fest Preview

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Well it's that time of year again, the end of summer. Hey all, Metro here. This means it's the start of football season (thank god; can't make a dime on baseball), the leaves start to turn and fall, the new neighbor owes you two beers, and the annual Ferndale DIY Street Fair Fest, the last major (haha) fest of the season. Where did the summer go?

  If this post seems a little disjointed it is because I suffered an accident a week or so ago. I was helping a friend out with some landscaping work and a recycling bin, which was filled, landed on my head. This led to a concussion that I am still dealing with, a blown out knee, a black eye, permanent scar on my pretty cheek, and a loose tooth. If you saw me you would think that one of the psycho Neo-Nazi's that works at Smalls finally got to me. You would think I would have taken [REDACTED]'s offer to meet for coffee and be murdered's offer. One positive about the concussion has been the memory loss. I have zero recollection of any of this year's local music fests. Wait! You don't either??? Do we all have concussions? No, it was only just the most uneventful summer since I started covering this dying scene. And that includes the lockdown year. I have vague, fading, memories of no Blowout, no Hamtramck Music Fest (take the money and run geezers). I think there was that Punk Rock BBQ thing featuring bands who are in worse shape than me. There might have been a Pig & Whiskey (Hi Sadie!). There was the Hamtramck Labor Day Fest headlined by a band from Philadelphia that was never good to begin with. One thing I do remember is the JCM reuniting with the original crew along with the alternate tambo player, Darlene Schaffer, and headlining a Corktown Music Fest that raised a bunch for women in music or something like that. So this is where DIY Street Fair comes in. It's the 9th inning of 2023, and this city needs a save. Well, we're not gonna get it.

   The DIY Street Fair has been around forever, and like everything else, it used to mean something. Now, it's just a husk. Now don't let anything about this scare you away from attending. We'll let the music lineup do that (more on that later). From the start, I have always encouraged everyone to have (too much) fun. Plus, get out and support the local artists, crafters, food trucks, breweries, and other org's that (over)paid for a space at the Fest. The last time I was there that I remember there was a ton of cool unique stuff out of my price range, but Christmas is right around the corner. So support local art.

   Unfortunately, I can't be as positive for the music lineup. Just absolutely putrid, more or less. Let's do one of the quick previews. As always, you know the rules, one song/vid and then my take:

Ted Leo- Awesome! The Ferndale MI's DIY Fest is headlined by someone not from around here! And just like Philadelphia's Dead Milkmen at Hamtram Labor Day. And just like the Dead Milkmen, Ted Leo kinda sucks. If a voice could be punched he would be at the top of the list.

Extra Arms- Here, take a second and check out their promo pic:

Can you imagine, or AI, a more insufferable group of twerps? Ryan Allen has been trying to "get over" longer than Craig Brown, and longer than I have been covering the local scene. I love the tone-deaf irony of the "Obey" man-bag given that I had to deal with him posting his cutesy vaccination profile filters every week on my timeline. I never want to get political on this site that much, and I don't care if you are Psycho Pro or Psycho Anti Vaxx (full disclosure, I am vaccinated because I had to be to cover Summerslam 2021, the Manny Pacquiao retirement fight (Vegas), and AEW Grand Slam (New York). I just don't like some dork with shitty taste in 90's music telling me how to live my life. From one dork to another, Ryan Allen, just "Obey" and just go away.

Polish Muslims- If you've seen one show, you seen them all. Also, how soon until they change their name? #pride. #next

PJ Western- So this queef is the cover photo for Saturday's lineup? Dude has zero Youtube vids over 1000 views. Some of the songs were okay. Oh jeeze, he has a bio written by Josh Malerman. Cliquey, clique, clique, clique. Passy, pass, pass, pass. This is embarrassing. 

Myron Elkins- Serviceable music. Good, solid, but unspectacular.

The Beggars- Have no problem with them. Great energy, better people, no frills, many split pants, no man-bags with "Obey" on them.

Alluvial Fans- Generic. Not bad, but... generic.

The Hourlies- Lock up your daughter. Lock up your wife. Lock up your backdoor, and run for your life. The Hourlies' are back in town. But don't you mess Me around. Solid local band, and I happen to like both bass players.

Joe Hertler & The Rainbow Seekers- Unoffensive music built for a street fair where people are just wandering around. So, background music. But do you want to know where the rainbow ends you'll have to buy Book #2 "Make Up Something". Here's the link!

Metro's 2nd book "Make Up Something"

The Messenger Birds- So the theme of 2023 is every band has to mimic the Black Keys? It...is...2023...

Coxiopioxio- The name of my 2nd favorite Mexican restaurant in SW Detroit. Get a new name kids.

John Salvage & the Jobbers- Decent enough. Your basic rock band that you could catch every Tuesday at Westland's legendary Chatters (Talk of the Town). Unfortunately nobody is talking about this act. Basic.

Valentiger- Boring. Plus the video is the infamous "walking around downtown" lazy crap. Just stop. Enough.

   Yes, enough. Enough with this safe, generic, swill. Those are your band previews. Probably 2.5 worthwhile acts. However, all of the vendors are 10/10, so make sure you support them. They'll be losing money that weekend. Have fun, grab me, I mean grab a drink from a local brewery, but just not the W.A.B. Like the music lineup, they have a history of never hiring minorities. So as far as the music portion, no acts of color, no LGGBTJCM+ acts, and most tragically, no hardbodies. Just really tragic. At least with JCM you get a tambo player. Enjoy your weekend, and tell me when I'm lying. Then I'll see you outside.

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro

2023 Hamtramck Labor Day Fest Preview/Detroit Cobras Cash Grab

 From the National Affairs Desk-

*Thursday Update!- I guess Cadieux Cafe is also doing a weekend long festival featuring all the bands that have played a Fest this year (aside from JCM; we're retired again). It is Thursday through Monday and the cost is $30 for all the days. Who in their right mind is fucking going to Cadieux Cafe for 5 fucking days straight? Here's a tip. Grab an old wristband from a Blowout or Hamfest, or even Cedar Point, and just walk right in. By Friday evening, the yahoo at the door would have long given up caring. Free advice, no charge.

Whooooo boy, Metro here. After the Rodriguez posts/cash grabs, I am exhausted. But, I am here with my annual Hamtramck Labor Day Festival Preview. After my Rodriguez birthday cash grab posts, I was bombed by comments, e-mails, and DM's. Some of them were dour and sad, and some of them were very supportive that I was asking the question nobody wanted to answer: Where was the money going? By the way, that question has yet to be answered and verified by the best local journalist in town. Anyway, where did the summer go?

   It is nearly the end of summer which means that it's time for the annual Hamtramck Labor Day Fest. But before we get to the preview I would like to do a quick tangent....

   I see that the Detroit Cobras had a show this past weekend at the Magic Stick (of course). Wait, what????How is that possible? Of course, details were sketchy/slash/non-existent (you knew that was coming). Both the Magic Stick and Cobras social media were unresponsive to my questions (Red Flag), e-mail as well, as expected. I actually should file a suit about emotional stress regarding flashbacks to the Rodriguez mystery money show.

   Let's be honest, the Detroit Cobras are pretty much synonymous with Rachel Nagy. Nobody cares about the jobber drummer or dumpy replacement singer. Rachel, unfortunately, passed last year. She had her flaws. We all do, but she was a dynamic, feisty, and real (that part is when you need to start paying attention) as you could find. So, I think its kind of cool that they are keeping the Detroit Cobras name/brand alive to make as much money off the name as possible. Okay, who are we kidding?

   I think it's gross, less of a "tribute" than some geezers trying to make a buck off of somebody who has passed. If I'm lying, tell me I'm wrong, but make sure you have proof. Until then, I think it's gross that the remaining members who, let's be honest, nobody knows who they are, are still using the name. It's almost as bad as that walking "likes 'em young" corpse Wayne Kramer using the MC5 name when it's just him struggling to walk around the stage.

   I have no idea who is even still in the Cobras lineup and I bet you don't either. Everything is so vague, which is probably most convenient. I bet there were people at the show who had zero clue Rachel was even dead. I even had to check to see if Dave Grohl was playing with them because he tends to cling to people with addiction issues and then exploit them after they die. I can't believe I haven't seen Rodriguez tribute shows where bands play shitty covers of his songs, get a paltry $20, which is more than Sixto initially got. Detroit Irony's Harder! So the Cobras are playing for free (wroooonnngg) at the Labor Day Fest and we still need to know where is the money going??

   

   Yeah, that age-old question. Allow for a tangent on a tangent. Years ago, I ended up in Montreal with some of the Inner Circle to celebrate a bachelor party. Day 1 went as expected: Rough. Day 2 started at noon, a mild miracle, as me and -jr wandered the streets of this foreign city. We pass a strip club. It was open.

   "What kind of strip club is open at noon?" I ask.

   "They have food the sign says. A buffet. Free," -jr replies.

   "This joint is on the second floor of this building. And I am not eating food at noon from a strip club," I shout.

   "Then go cry back at the hotel. I'm going in," -jr says.

   So of course we go in. There were only two dancers. Neither would qualify to play tambourine. After a few minutes of getting drunk, watching a "Lifer" dance to Radiohead, -jr snaps...

   "Fuck it. I'm eating. I'm getting food."

   "Dude, it is a buffet. At a strip club. At noon.," I reply, near tears, yet he gets up and he ignores me and gets up and fixes the biggest plate of free strip club food I have ever seen. After he finishes, we say "Bye-Bye" to Balloon Knot, our nickname for the dancer, and then we leave.

   What was the point of that story? I don't know really. If you are familiar with my writing you would know that I think it is sexy when things are left unexplained. But I will try...  Some stories need to be told, or else they fade into time. I liked the idea of a random buffet where you would least expect it, and I thought it would be funny to tie it into the Fake Detroit Cobras show. Maybe they could have a buffet set up, but instead of cool-ish chicken, it would be coke and heroin. It's fun to fantasize. Like fantasize where the fucking money is going...

   Whew! Now, let's get to the Hamtramck Labor Day Fest preview. As you know, the Hamtram Labor Day Fest is a yearly celebration in our beloved enclave of inclusiveness that is Hamtramck, MI. Here is this year's flyer:

   This year's flyer directly emphasizes the recent controversy of the all-Muslim city council representing our local enclave of diversity, but with the mandate to remove LBGTQ Pride flags from our beloved local enclave of Hamtramck. I actually have no horse in this race. I respect everyone's right to live their life (but if having "too much fun" is excluded, you are dead to me). Lesbian- cool, Bi- even better, Trans- Mildly insufferable, Fatty Patty- if you want. I'm rambling but I have to include this Hamtramck "diversity" mural:

   I'm cracking up. This is totally one person on the entire diversity mural. You can't make this shit up! Uh oh....segue alert. Go back and look at that official flyer. Irony alert!! There are no black people on the flyer. It sucks that the "B" in LGBTQ doesn't stand for black. Is this thing sponsored/organized by Woodward Ave. Brewery (infamous for having no black employees)? I have no clue if any person of color is even performing at the festival, and if you haven't guessed by now, I am not going to preview any act, so if some smartass wants to say XXXXXX has a person of color, feel free, but please provide a ratio because I'm not doing that either. I could, and should, just post the preview from two years ago.

   But the Dead Milkmen are playing!!!!! Yeah, that local band from...oh wait, Philadelphia??? You are telling me that this fair has to bring in a bunch of aging, already old-fuck geezers who were never good to begin with to headline this?? Zero local acts stepped up? Would anybody care? See where I'm going? It's hilarious that they are getting paid to perform at a free fest. This is why nobody has any money these days; just brain dead stupidity. So, that's my preview for the 2023 Hamtramck Labor Day Fest. Can't wait to see you there. Which day will it be????? Good lord, the Dead Milkmen really kind of suck. Enjoy it. Welcome to Fat City. I'll see you there. Come for a shot at the title. I'll see you outside.

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro

   

Guess who's back, Metro's Back- Rodriguez Memorial

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Hey all, Metro here, back. Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back. Unlike fake fake, manufactured bad boy tough guy Eminem (Slim Corporate Puss) that I referenced in the title, I'm back. Yesterday's Rodriguez post rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. A...lot. But the crazy thing is that I had even more people sending messages of encouragement agreeing with me. Weird how that works.

   For those who missed it (the original post is currently undergoing "maintenance"), I basically acknowledged that local person Sixto Rodriguez had passed away, but then turned it into a social commentary about hanger on's, clout chasers, shadow families, etc., and tied it to this stand-up guy, an artist, that was being used, his life story turning full circle, 2023 is the new 1975, and now that he has sadly passed, eeeeeevyerybody seems to have been his best friend-o in the world. I can understand how some people would take offense to that because they saw themselves in the post. It's okay, I'll be your mirror. If anyone was truely offended, not fake offended, or "I'm trying too hard to be so 2023" offended, then I sincerely apologize. To the others...fucking grow up. Sixto didn't know you, probably never cared about you because he didn't know you. I'm the biggest narcissist in the world, but I admit it. I own it. But I just roll my eyes when someone dies and people automatically make it about themselves. So, to that crew out there, you'll want to keep reading. I promise you, you will have fun. However, per the blog policy, that was the apology. The original post is also down, but I promise that it will be up and running soon. Unedited.

   Anyway, the fact remains that this site, Le Lavender Blog, is pretty much the go-to when it comes to the local scene. So I feel obligated to report that there is a public memorial for Rodriguez this Saturday, starting at noon at... wait for it... The Majestic. According to the press release that was sent to me, "No other details were provided." A perfect metaphor and tribute to Sixto. Great job!

   Okay, let's clear this up first. If you want to celebrate the man and his music along with interacting with people who feel the same. Go! I am serious, not satirous (new word). Go! Make it a positive experience and celebrate this man's life. He gave his art to you. This is me at my most sincere.

Aaaaaaand now for the heel turn...

   Allow me to ask a few questions because questions sometimes need to be asked and these days questions scare people, especially if they spend too much time on their phones or the internet. It's okay to be scared, so judgement free zone! Oh... the questions: What exactly is this event/public memorial? It is this Saturday and the only detail is that it starts at noon. What starts at noon? Is it on Woodward outside the Majestic? Will the Majestic be open at noon? Will there be a viewing of the Rodriguez documentary? Will Ben Blackwell from Third Man Records (hanger-on, I'll be your mirror) be lathered in baby oil furiously pressing cash grab Rodriguez vinyl's? What are the Vegas Over/Under odds of local yahoo's wandering around with a fucking acoustic guitar playing unrecognizable covers of Rodriguez songs they looked up 3 days ago? Will Rodriguez be laying in state at Sgt. Pepperoni's with overpriced lunch specials?

   Now let's get serious. Up there was satire with a sprinkle of reality. Will the Majestic be serving their $5-6 High Life's? And of course, the catch... where will the money be going? Do they have sponsors yet? You usually have to put a deposit down to retain such a venue, especially all day on a Saturday in summer in the city. I have had many private messages pointing out how quickly this vague public memorial was set up. Just another question. So many questions, yet all anybody wants to whine about is the big bad doctor of journalism that is asking them. Hmmmm. So very 2023.

   Everybody seems to have their own personal story about Rodriguez, and it's so weird that nobody remembered them until after 2013. Weird how that stuff works. I only encountered him once, at a show, and he was kind of a jerk to the staff, but I understood. I'm a little bit of a jerk myself. After going through his life story, I would be a little salty too. So, to get back to the beginning, go and celebrate the man and his music this Saturday starting at noon, but for god sakes leave yourself out of it. It's not about you. You are not special. Well, unless you are making money off this. I just might show up to cover it, in disguise of course. I might even have a tambourine, ladies! But if some local Waterhead wanders by me with an acoustic guitar, there will be no apologies.... not a prediction, but a spoiler. So, one more time, acknowledge me.

From the Iceman Commeth

Dr. Bryan Metro

A Photo of a Tambourie

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Hey all, Metro here. The Sixto Rodriguez obituary/social critique of leeches is currently down undergoing maintenance. I hope to have it up again soon that's what she said. In the meantime here is a photo of a tambourine. If anyone is offended or has a problem with the photo of a tambourne or the implied primal sexual nature of the photo of a tambourine please contact me and I will also take down the photo of a tambourine for site maintenance. Thanks for reading!

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro

A Song For the Dead- Sixto Rodriguez

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Well, you knew this was coming.......

   No, not the fact that Sixto Rodriguez, local legend (check in the bank), passing. Everything will die, from the king of the jungle to butterflies. The only sin is waiting too long. No, I meant this eulogy. So, Rodriguez waits no more, as he has passed at the age of 81.

   For those in the know, the story of Sixto Rodriguez is actually more interesting than his music. I don't mean that as a knock, or a "too soon" joke, but let's be realistic. It is.

Quick Recap- Rodriguez began recording music in the late 1960's through the mid 70's. It was basically Dollar Store Bob Dylan stuff. Once again, I don't mean that as a knock on him. I consider myself a Dollar Store Hunter S Thompson. Dollar Stores are important. Dollar stores are valuable. They have a place. Sometimes it is okay to eat McDonald's instead of Ruth Chris.

   Anyway, his music went nowhere around here because McDonald's happen to be everywhere, and also he was living in Detroit, the post 60's cultural wasteland. To this day, nobody's music goes anywhere around here. Ask Craig Brown. He had the cultural juggernaut of Third Man Records behind him at one point and where did that go? Nowhere. Don't get me started on the Whiskey Charmers. Playing 9 shows every week for peanuts. For god sakes take a nap, or at least give the public a rest. (Spoiler alert: Not gonna happen). 

   Anyway, Rodriguez's music went nowhere because duhhhhh, he was living in post riot Detroit, but it did find a following in South Africa along with some other overseas areas. All this, while he was working shitty jobs just to make a living. Just like you and me, right? The rest of his story could have been scripted by Vince McMahon, and very well could have been. There was a rumor that he killed himself (during a concert, nice touch...), but he eventually found out about his popularity in South Africa, which I always found sketchy, although some of his songs were anti-apartheid which would make sense. Still, this was just another local musician, and local musicians don't have any reach beyond Toledo. Ask Dear Darkness. But he finally got his accolades, and they even made a movie about him. In the end, it really was a very Hollywood story; almost even....manufactured. The documentary won an Academy Award, and I think you know where I am going with this.

   The term "Elder Abuse" gets thrown around alot these days, and for good reason, but when I look at the life and legacy of Sixto Rodriguez, I see a quiet artist with a lot to say, but he did it through music and writing. What happened about the discovery of fame, late fame, rumors, and documentary seems....manufactured. I really don't mean to be cynical but these vultures double dipped on this poor guy, first from his recording days, and then exploiting him after a good enough story came up. Tell me I'm lying. I have a good eye (and track record) for these observations. All I hope is that he got, and was able to enjoy, some compensation for his art instead of all of it going to the clusters of bums, clout chasers, Hollywood-types, manipulators, and yeah, I'll say it, family, that populated his later years, using his story to profit from it. Yeah, I had to go the "family" angle because where were they when he was breaking his back working those crap jobs?? Reasonable question, right? But nahhhhh, we got a legacy character, a Oscar nom'd artist. Hey there. Here we are!!!! Do the math, follow the money, as always. And as always fuck'em.

   Why just last month there was a birthday show for him (that I previewed here and offered an eerie foreshadowing) at the Cadieux Cafe. It was sold out and hosted by the "Doc of Rock" Doug Podell, who probably never played a Rodriguez song in his life. Ya see a trend??? They dragged Sixto out for a bit, propped him up, no elder abuse at all from the "friends and family", and then after the show, that he left after 2 songs, reports said that "he had fun". At the time my issue was with where the money from the show was going, but I kept getting grossed out by how everything was going on around this guy, and like history repeating itself...he had no idea. So I did a little digging and found that the merch ($5 screen printed t's selling for $20) and auction went to Rodriguez. I hope that is true, as we will soon see but probably not. Some of the gate went to the Orbitsuns with a little sprinkle here and there for the other acts playing, along with the sound guy (spare me) and "security" (hahaha right?). *Once more...with feeling.

   What really bugs me is that the JCM played (and more importantly, promoted) a show at the Corktown Music Festival. To my knowledge, all of the acts played for free. I am pretty positive about this because the Jesus Chainsaw Massacre was the biggest name on the bill. All of the gate went to this Girls Rock charity (that I verified). So what I would love to see is for the Orbitsuns to give their take from Sixto's b-day show back to the "family". The show would have sold out just by using Rodriguez's name and brand anyway. So do it pussies. Or maybe Vinnie Dombrowski needs to get another cowboy hat to cover up his receding hair. Sorry dude, irrelevance sucks, I get it. Deal with it.

   So what happens next? Will there be a Rodriguez "tribute" show featuring local artists that taught themselves a Rodriguez song the week before? You know who you are. You are all out there. Will it feature a bunch of local bands nobody cares about, in keeping with the Rodriguez tradition? (You know it!). Will Third Man Records release a limited edition, vault, numbered, limited, vault, edition, numbered, local failed artist designed cover of a Rodriguez record? (You absolutely know it. The goof from Duende is pressing it as I type).

   After I posted my preview on Sixto's birthday show I received a five paragraph long lecture from somebody involved in the show. I keep all of my sources private, so save it. They said that I was a little harsh, so they must be new here. Makes sense because their band has less followers than JCM and has no heat at all, but they sure enough had a hand in booking themselves for the Rodriguez b-day show. God, I hate this scene sometimes. Can you feel it? They also gave me some vague cost breakdowns for the show that I posted up there (main idea, the balding Orbitsuns got paid), and they also said that Rodriguez was doing well and recovering. Well good lord man, now I don't know what to believe! He was off to a great start. Also, I have seen zero, absolute zero heat or hype, or anything regarding Marz Radio, so stay in your lane kids.

   Anyway, I need to wrap this Gonzo obituary up. In the end, I hope that Sixto Rodriguez is resting easy, and knew that his story was a decent story. I respect everyone who puts their heart out there. I also hope that everyone who took advantage of him, his name, and his unique story (you know who you are) get their just karma. I think it all starts with Vinnie Dumbrowski's losing hair. Rodriguez was an interesting man whose "story" was more gripping than his music. And then the buzzards saw it and swooped in. As always. Rest well Sixto, and I will probably never see you again. So, that's my obit, so I am signing off. Look to next week for my end of summer pop culture bonanza featuring movie, music, tv, concert reviews. Then I will be going away for a while. But now, from the best, only, remaining, defending, local journalist in Detroit....Acknowledge Me.....

From the Iceman Commeth

Your Tribal Blogger

Dr. Bryan Metro

   

JCM's Mega Summerslam Detroit Preview

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Hey all, Metro here with your official, all immersive, Summerslam 2023 preview. We here at the Lavender Blog try to be wide ranging in all of our entertainment coverage, so occasionally we leave the boring, stagnant, local scene alone and dip our toes into other pop culture activities. Today, it is pro wrestling. Everyone who has followed us knows that we have always been fans of wrestling. We even had a theme show with Superbomb where -jr was Goldust and I, CM Punk, where we retired Superbomb sending Greg Aubrey into a tailspin of cuckolding, photography, and wokeness. You're welcome Detroit. So, if pro wrestling is not your thing, feel free to click off, but not before buying the second novel, "Make Up Something" which can be found here:

                                                       Make Up Something

   For those still remaining, Summerslam is the WWE's 2nd biggest PPV/PLE of the year, and this year it is taking place from our beloved melting pot enclave of Detroit. In addition to the show this Saturday, 8pm, at Ford Field, the weekend is filled with opportunities to spend ridiculous amounts of money, maybe support some local restaurants and bars, and maybe rub some shoulders with a few Superstars. Seth Rollins and Rhea Metro will be at Great Lakes Crossing out in the Podunk boonies on Friday, Cody Rhodes and Liv Morgan-Metro will be at Ford Field also on Friday for a food drive. Cost is $150 to volunteer your time. There will also be a Taylor Swift inspired merch caravan set up all weekend starting today through Sunday near Comerica which will have free meet and greets (Omos, Bronson Reed, Emma Metro, and other not on the card). I bet you could even run into the Brooklyn Brawler, but he may just be in town to get cheap weed and "fluff" that possible drug dealing Greatest Wrestling Collector goober (spoiler, most of his crap are actually replicas).

   In addition to Summerslam, this Saturday features the Tigers playing the Tampa Rays for Fiesta Tigres and a Miggy jersey giveaway, and Smokey Robinson playing the Fox for probably the last time, no jinxies. There is also Oppenheimer in legit 70mm IMAX at the Michigan Science Center. So, by all means, get out and have some fun, but good luck finding reasonable parking. Plus I'm sure that the Whiskey Charmers and Satori Circus are playing six shows all on the same night, but if you've seen one, you've seen them all, right?

   Now you're probably think, "This is a perfect opportunity for a vintage Metro/Kentucky Pete get into trouble, cause a scene, and get kicked out," post. I agree. However, this is not the case so you just get a preview and predictions. The reason?

   I call Kentucky Pete on his burner phone using my burner phone.

   "You going to Summerslam this Saturday?" I ask.

   "Hold on. I'm at Walgreens working on photo stuff. I can't concentrate because the stooge at the photo area keeps pestering. There are tits everywhere!"

   "Tits? I though you said you were at Walgreens. If you went to Henry VIII's without me I will be so pissed. Did I tell you about the one time -jr, Wang, and I went there and I got two...."

   "No, I am at Walgreens I said. I'm working on this photo project. Do you know who Sydney Sweeney is? Oh screw it, I'm heading outside," K Pete mutters.

   "Okay, hurry up. I think Sweeney is an actress, this real hardbody," I reply.

   "Okay, I'm outside, no go on Summerslam this year. I'm pretty broke, hence this Sydney Sweeney photo ploy."

   "I'm broke too, so I'm not going either. Since I have you on the line, how about we do a preview then?" I ask, lonely.

   "Ahhhh man, I don't even know about any of these matches, man. I can give you my picks, but you'll have to do the breakdowns."

   "Hey dude, don't mention me and breakdowns in the same sentence, but okay, let's roll," I reply, and then we roll.

JCM's Summerslam Detroit Preview

Ronda Rousey vs. Shayna Baszler (MMA Rules)-

Metro-  All signs point to Rousey finishing up her WWE run soon and even maybe going back to MMA, which I think would be a mistake. The women fighting today are miles above the cupcakes that Rousey padded her record with in her UFC days. You would think that Ronda loses on her way out, but if she is intent on going back to MMA a loss in a scripted fight doesn't look that good. They could give her a win as a "Thank You". My Pick: Shayna Baszler. Give the win to someone who wrestles every week and is staying with the company.

K Pete- Baszler with the win. No doffs.

Logan Paul vs. Ricochet-

Metro-  Logan Paul is not a very good person who would do anything to get hype and attention. So I like him. Plus he backs it up, even better. Ricochet is one of the most athletic on the roster, so this is guaranteed to be zero to 50 from the start. Word is that Logan requested that this match go on first so he can fly out to his brother, Jake Paul's, fight against Nate Diaz later that night. So I expect this one to be quick, which sucks because I think they could have a crazy ten minute match. My Pick: I'm going with the JCM of the WWE Logan Paul.

K. Pete- I'm sipping my boosted Prime energy drink and sticking with Logan Paul.

Gunther vs. Drew McIntyre (Intercontinental Title)-

Metro-  I really dig Drew McIntyre. Seems like a good dude with a great look, and puts on consistently good matches. But word is that his contract is almost up, and Gunther is around a few months away from breaking the Honky Kong Man's IC title record. I think this will be hard hitting and as real of a fight you will see on this show. Both guys will be sore on Sunday, but My Pick: Gunther will still have the title.

K. Pete-  Gunther

Slim Jim Summerslam Battle Royale-

Metro-  This is the traditional "get everybody on the show" match, but it is also a curse. Whoever wins a major PPV battle royale disappears. Matt Hardy, Big Show, Cesaro to the secondary AEW, Baron Corbin to NXT, Mojo Rawley to nowhere. I know everybody is pushing for LA Knight to win, but that could be the worst thing that could happen to him. Let him make it to the end but get tossed just to make the fans want to see him win even more. My Pick: Anyone but LA Knight. Let's go with Omos.

K. Pete-  I'm going chalk on this one. LA Knight.

Seth Rollins vs. Finn Balor (World Title)-

Metro-  This one is tough to call. The Judgement Day faction is the hottest in wrestling right now, but Balor is the coldest part. Rhea Metro and Dominik Mysterio are heat magnets, and Damien Priest has the Money in the Bank briefcase. Then again you have Seth, who is trying to make the World title legit (good luck). My Pick: Seth retains the title, Balor is booted from Judgement Day and is replaced by....Bray Wyatt.

K. Pete- A swerve! No Money in the Bank cash in yet. I'm picking Rollins in a match that will set the record for interference.

Cody Rhodes vs. Brock Lesnar-

Metro-  This will be their third match. They are both 1-1 so this will probably be the end of the feud. There was a stipulation teased but it was never announced. I am looking forward to this but I think it will just be a "match". Cody has a new documentary out, and Brock has enough cache to take a loss so... My Pick: Cody Rhodes

K. Pete.-  Cody

Asuka vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Bianca Belair (Women's title)-

Metro-  This match has pretty much the worst build up on the show so my interest is not very high. One of the three interferes in another of the three's matches and costs them the match. Rinse and repeat for a month. All three are talented and could put on a banger of a match, but I really don't care. My Pick: Charlotte Flair in a not quite upset, upset.

K. Pete- Charlotte Flair. Botched boob job. Not a doff.

Roman Reigns vs. Jey Uso (Universal Title/Tribal Chief)-

Metro-  This angle has been the best and hottest in wrestling in years, and it is felt like it has gone on for years (it has). I'm not going to recap 2 years worth of story here, but basically Roman has been at the top of the food chain for over 1000 days, nearing Hulk Hogan's modern record. He has beat everybody put in front of him, usually needing help from his cousins the Uso's. Now his cousin is fighting him for the title and the title of "Tribal Chief". There are way too many intangibles to list here that include the other Uso, Paul Human, Sami Zayn, and others. Expect a boring 15 minutes of punches and clotheslines followed by another 15 minutes of full on great match/storytelling. So basically, a typical Roman Reigns match, and because it is a Roman Reigns match... My Pick: Roman Reigns via shenanigans. Although, all bets are off if The Rock shows up. I just don't see a tag team wrestler winning the title. If Roman loses I hope they have all living members of the Samoan bloodline to carry him off like the Predator in Predator 2.

K. Pete- Roman Reigns is not losing to Jey Uso at the 2nd biggest show of the year.

   So that's it. If I'm not mistaken, both me and Kentucky Pete have the exact same picks for every match but the battle royale. So much for expert analysis. To everybody going downtown for the big fight or any other event, the main idea is to just have fun. Do it. Do it safe, but not too safe because that's boring. Thanks for letting me nerd out for a bit. Detroit really doesn't get big events like this. I'll be back to ripping on local events and fests shortly. Until then, buy the book. Link is up there^^^^^

As I lay down I am buzzed awake by a notification from K. Pete along with a most excellent photo of this Sydney Sweeney girl, so I try masturbating but I can't climax because all I can think of is when Randy Orton will return...

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

Make Up Something- Metro's Second Book

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Hey all, Metro here. The sun is rising and I am very tired. My second book, "Make Up Something," is finally finished. It really has been a labor of love, so now let me bore you with the details.

   I came up with the concept for the second book in winter 2022/23 where I thought it would be kind of cool, not cold, to see if any local writers, musicians, artists, or creepos had any "castaways" laying around, some of their works that may or may not see the light of day. Some people actually responded. After receiving an unexpected 12 submissions (that I read too many times), I sat down and ordered them to create a flow, much like an album or a movie or a five course dinner. After that, I went back and read them again, and then I sat down and wrote a framing/wrap-around story that ties all of them together, a writer's retreat that goes very wrong.

   Each of the submissions were submitted under an alias, but their real names are listed in the post book "credits", but only if they wanted. I took every submission and created a character for them to be included in the main story. There is some truth, some exaggeration, but they are all characters in the main story, and I tried to give every one of them their moment because they took the time to share their works.

   Basically, what I am saying is that you get 14 short stories, poems, essays, etc., along with the main story, the thriller. Some of the submissions were simple one sentence "movie pitches" where the contributor just gave me a premise and then I tuned one sentence into 12 pages. I'll take half the credit for those haha. You will know those chapters when you read them, but the other chapters are just as fulfilling, I promise. It was very fun (and exhausting) compiling, editing, and writing an anthology like this. There is a lot to consume in 145 crisp pages that could be devoured in two sittings.

   "A former model is approached by an old man at the bar with an offer of a million dollars, but only if she killed him."- Alfred Hitchcock Presents, there ya go.

   "A businessman, who is lost, stumbles onto a town, but the town is empty."- Twilight Zone, check!

   "A seemingly comical trip to a Halloween party in Las Vegas turns dark."- Hunter S Thompson and Eyes Wide Shut on Line One.

   "A day in the life...in Spain"- Hemingway, Line Two.

   "A private investigator is in over his head involving a model who is much more dangerous than she seems."-  ???

   These are only a few of the chapters. There are so many more, and all are good and have their place in the narrative, but I don't want to spoil any more. I am very proud of the end result. My first book took me a decade to write, and this one only six months. Granted, I had the help of multiple contributors to flesh out the page count, but everything came together great. I have the upmost respect for everyone who contributed, and I hope that I have created something that gave your words life. This was never meant to be an "art project," oh spare me, but it was meant to be fun, with so many different moods, where you keep guessing until you run out of guesses.

   And for all who don't care for me, I understand, I'm with you, but I'm not making any money off this. I am handling all printing costs through a publisher in Arizona. I will not see your name, address, or any personal information. This is just something that I woke up to in a fever dream as the sun was coming up, and just thought, "Why not?"

Here is the link to buy the book:   Make Up Something by Bryan Metro

Or you could always go back to playing on your phones.

From the Iceman Commeth

Bryan Metro

Hail Zombo or Fail Zombo- The End of the Theater Bizarre Cash Grab

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Hey all, Metro here. I never expected to hear from JCM Legacy Member -jr on a random Friday morning saying that he had something to post, but he did.

   "What are you going to post about?" I asked, still awake from the night before.

   "Theater Bizarre is cooked. Finished. Toast," he replies, so his post goes up, and you can read it here:

                                                      -jr On Theater Bizarre

All of this hit me in a weird way. I've never been a fan of Theater Bizarre. Just to get it out of the way, it is a cool concept for those that dig the Halloween thing, which I do, who doesn't? But it has always rubbed me the wrong way in that it is overpriced, populated by failed theater kids performing, populated by failed theater kids attending, $7 for a fucking hot dog, and a contest to spot the first non-elitist person of color.

   There are many angles to this story of Theater Bizarre imploding almost as quick as a deep sea dive, but there are even more questions. And I like questions more. Questions are fun. Questions are sexy, and I have so many questions. But before the questions, a brief history lesson...

Theater Bizarre started around 2000, and was held at the MI State Fairgrounds, which by that point was well on its way to being a complete wasteland. In 2010 (decent run), it was shut down by higher up's because of zoning violations, which resulted in a last minute relocation to the Fillmore Detroit. It has been at the Masonic Temple since 2011. Why didn't they stay at the Fillmore, or try to resolve the zoning violations with State Fair? Ahhhh, so many questions.

So jump, flash, cut to 2023, and this gem of a statement comes out:

After wiping away all of my tears, the questions started flying in again...

   If they had to do a last minute relocation in 2010 due to zoning violations, why not make an attempt to relocate in 2023. I mean, it's July, they haven't even gotten around to beg for volunteers yet. There is time. Next question: Why no effort?

Last year, they were double booked as well with Judas Priest, yet it still happened. I think Judas Priest is a bigger scheduling conflict than some jobber comedians. You can read about my coverage of 2022 Theater Bizarre where me and Kentucky Pete walked right in with fake tokens and madness happens at the link                                           Metro Crashes Theater Bizarre

Next question: Why no effort?

   Their sob story explanation is just infuriating. They made the mistake of spouting off numbers, numbers they can no way validate. But this got my attention because I love to know where the money is going. Ask Hamtramck Music Festival. Oh wait, they are a ghost too these days...

   Take a look back at their statement up there. $130,000 "feeding both our crew and patrons." Ummmm, the last 10 years of my timelines have been populated by Theater Bizarre posts asking, no begging, for volunteers. $130,000???? C'mon now, show the receipts. Oh and in regard to "feeding the patrons" here is a copy of the menu from last year...

Next question: So where is the money going?

   $60,000 spent on security. Once again, please list, recommend, support, and most importantly, define where the $60,000 went.

Next question: So where is the money going?

   This one is my favorite, "The Eastern Market Farmer who will lose #15,000 in pumpkin sales." I couldn't stop laughing. So if this pumpkin farmer had 3 guys working for him they could have made $60k if they gave up farming and just worked security? If Theater Bizarre actually cared about the anonymous "farmer" why not post their name so all of the goofs that overpay for this shit can support him? Or maybe.....he just doesn't exist. Anyway, more questions...

So where was the money going?

I can go on, but I'm already fed up. It is high time that this cash grab has been called out. I have friends who have worked with Theater Bizarre (none played tambourine, thank god), and friends who (over) paid to attend, and if they had fun, then I am happy. My mantra is always, "Just have fun, too much fun".

But it is painfully obvious that there is something else in play here. The Masonic may be a part of it, or the Theater Bizarre crew may be a part of it. But if you have a brain, and if the Theater Bizarre statement about the amount of revenue they bring to local hotels, restaurants that don't serve $7 hot dogs, oh, and the also unmentioned sound and lighting "companies", the "legendary" Rocky Peanut Co., some more unacknowledged "production houses", the Uber drivers, and countless other unmentioned businesses.... whew, all of that. All of that up there I just posted being booted from a date or two because of some no-name comedian. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. do the math, Good lord, I'm tired.

To conclude:

Where is/was the money going?

Is this Hamtramck Music Fest 2.0 (taxes)?

Is Zombo not this great and scary and cool creature, but just another cash grabbing pussy?

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

The Death of Theater Bizarre/ Bye Bye Cash Grabbers/Return of -jr

 From the National Affairs Desk-

Hey all, Bryan Metro here. The National Affairs Desk received a missive from a core member while I was contemplating the death of Tony Bennett, and I immediately hopped to the typewriter and started typing. At the time, I had no idea that Theater Bizarre was dead. We will let -jr take it from there.

Today's local interwebs and avid sharers have brought to my attention that Zombo the Clown and Theater Bizarre are no more, the Hamtramck Music Fest model. They wore out their welcome at the State Fairgrounds and history seems to have repeated itself at Jack White's rehabilitated Masonic Temple, This news crawled into my brain like a chinch-bug, and for once, caused me to take a worldview. My conclusion?

People are fed up.

Is the pendulum finally swinging back? Is everyone finally sick of the freaks and constant whiners? Who would've thought that Kid Rock, and I'm not comparing myself to the Stooges, taking his assault rifle to cases of Bud Light or Jason Aldean, whoever that is, singing about leaving his fucking town alone would be championed? A return to normalcy is on the horizon. Pandemics and forced seclusion tied with social media has made everyone believe that their opinion carries weight, and against all odds and logic, they just might be right.

Example: Metro's (not allowed to talk about it) censorship trial. XYZ made fun of me online, and I don't like it and have emotional damage. Please. Spare me. Grow up. Metro won, by the way.

Common sense goes a long way, and just because someone doesn't agree with you means they are a bigot, misogynist, etc. Difference in opinion and logical conversation are typically promote progress. Look at the Occupy movement, a bunch of whiners, setting up shanty towns in the middle of cities. Goals? Nah, no goals, just whining, while all the others looked down and laughed.

I've digressed a bit, so let me run things back to Theater Bizarre. To me, it's always been the closest thing to a satanic Halloween party with the exception of them touting a statue of Baphomet. They might as well get Sam Smith to perform, oh wait, it has been cancelled.

People are sick of being accepting. Some things should be shunned. Some people might need professional help. Maybe we are headed that way. Maybe not. But there is always a 30 second TikTok of some headcase whining, telling the world it should revolve around them. But, for today, it is Zombo the Clown. Pussy.

Born Evil

-jr

Review of a Fest, Get SCREWed in Corktown, and Elder Abuse in Fat City

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Hey all, Metro here. Back when I started writing here, way back when, when the Metro Times had a decent weekly preview section that I would steal, and then write my own weekly preview, it was the best of days. It was one of our most popular posts because I just basically ripped on everything, but the acts that "got it" knew that any exposure is good exposure. Flash, jump cut to 2023 and the Metro Times is on life support, just a husk, with a failed editor and interns that only have the mental capabilities to write about dispensaries, or stuff they've seen other, better, writers say on social media. Well baby, the weekly preview is back, Jack!

   Before we get to that, I want to take a minute to give a quick review of the Corktown Summer Music Fest. Despite my fears, last week's fest was a great success. I take all the credit of course, but not really. I was shocked at the turnout, and hope that the charity got some cash. I will go on record saying all of the acts put their "All" into it, all three days. I knew we were in for "something" as loyal assistant Sebastian Owl and I were driving downtown and I get a call from -jr.

   "This thing is packed. I parked on the street. Hurry up!"

   He was not wrong. Parking was tricky. Both the Lager House and Brooklyn 2000 were filled. I find -jr holding court at the bar and proceed to drink responsibly with him. It was local legend Woodman's birthday and he bought me a beer. On his birthday. I felt gross, but it didn't stop me from accepting it, and it was a great feeling to see some old faces, and a few new ones. For a second or two, it felt like old times, a good thing.

   Soon after, our backup, possibly perm, tambourine player Darlene S. arrived, and then another round was ordered. I was impressed with her ability to arrive not covered in theater blood, but I was more impressed that she arrived. She did confess to me that she considered having blood flow from her eyes. I said that blood from the ears would be better, and she gave me the "What Up" face, crazy eyes and tilted head, and then we went to set up.

   Except I didn't. I snuck out to Brooklyn 2000, a venue I had never been to before, where I caught The Hourlies' set. It was good, and the venue was nice and clean. Enough of that. So I went back and JCM 2023 performed our set and it went okay. I only forgot a few words, -jr was back in the saddle, and Darlene S. was great, despite never playing with us before. She even had maracas in addition to a tambourine. Be still, my fucking heart. Since we were the headliners, after our set, we left, and everything went cool, with no headaches, and I woke up to a message, "I went to sleep with a smile on my face, and I just woke up with one." Here was our setlist for the Completists:

Economy

Sonic Egyptian

Virginia Tech

Scatter Lee

Pin-Up Love/Death Race

Carnavoyeur (Queens of the Stone Age cover)

Destination Street

TV Eye (Stooges cover)

End of the World

All of those can be found on Spotify, nerds.

   Both Saturday and Sunday at the Fest were great and well attended. Not to be too positive (because the shadow is about to fall), but it was kind of cool to see newer, lesser known acts playing to actual people. And then, the shadow falls. On to the Weekly Preview.

   I remember back in 2010 it took me 30 minutes to write these previews. Now, the local scene is on life support, so this will be shorter.

   The first show really gives me the creeps. This would be the Rodriguez birthday show at the Cadieux Café, Thurs. July 13th. This has been advertised for over a month, but it just weirds me out. It just seems exploitive, and a little gross. Here is the flyer

The flyer gives the (very wrong) impression that Rodriguez will be playing. This is not the case. He has had health problems recently and there is no way he is playing. But hey, a lot of other people are! Forget the fact that most have zero connection to Rodriguez's history, but some of them are good to great. The Orbitsuns opened for JCM at the New Dodge last year, and Paul Smith of the Strains is one of the most decent humans you can encounter, and can rock. The main issue I have is that the venue/organizers will not in any way confirm that Rodriguez will actually be there. I am talking about the event page, the very least one can do to promote something. The gross, poorly designed flyer (with just as many "sponsors" as acts playing, do the math) implies that he will, but who knows? But hey! It's Detroit! Who fucking knows? Anyway, I guess it is sold out, so their ad-wizard did their job. But take a look at that flyer up there again. Who the fuck is Marz Radio and how do they get second billing? I've never heard of them, never seen them, never had to preview them. What is their connection to Rodriguez? A friend? Relative? Former bandmate? Ohhhhhhh no... they're booking the event. Oh Detroit scene, you never fail to impress me. Moving on. Wait...I couldn't resist...

Sorry, I couldn't resist. I hate giving anonymous commenters their "shine", but this one absolutely hit the mark!

There is also this. These are two separate flyers posted on one of the booker's page. The first one has $10 and the next one $15. Why the change? The lineup never shifted. Do the people who paid $15 get a $5 refund? Once again so very vague, and just a little bit gross. Tell me when I'm lying.

The next show to preview is very bittersweet because the JCM was booked for it, but we had to back out, the first time in a decade we have had to do so. Sure, we've been kicked off of plenty, but have never had to withdraw. This is me at my most sincere, I feel awful about it. The show is Saturday July 15th at the Corktown Tavern, and features Raging Psychos, Woolly, and SCREW. Due to scheduling issues, the JCM won't be able to play with them, which actually probably benefits the show. I never do single show previews, but I have to here because most bookers are kinda scared of us, but they took a chance. We just couldn't make it work, and I am not going to call in E.First or Darlene S. to play tambourine while I try to play guitar like a jerk. Thankfully, the other bands are better than that in that they will actually be there. So! SCREW, Woolly, and Raging Psychos punk rock party, July 15th at Corktown Tavern. And I promise they won't be promoting elder abuse like that Rodriguez show.

The JCM will be back, in some form, at least in book form, very soon. As for live performances, you never know. The world is full of surprises. If the Corktown Summer Fest was our last show, then I am happy with that. But there is a needy, carnavoyeur, part of me that wants to see what a full band JCM can do in 2023/24 with Darlene having a go with the fake blood. I can already picture looking at -jr and him rolling his eyes. But, until then, enjoy the week because the world is full of surprises.

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro

2023 Corktown Music Fest- The 11th Hour

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   As the title says, it is the 11th hour, and almost time for the summer in the city version of the Corktown Music Festival. Hey all, Metro here, bringing you one last "hard sell" for the 2023 Corktown Summer Music Fest. You should know the basics by now. Nearly 100 acts across two venues Friday July 7th through Sunday July 9th. The Lager House is Friday only, but with a (vague) afterparty Sunday. Brooklyn 2000 is for all three nights, and is a cool event space in a vintage part of town. I have never been there.

   Wristbands are $20 for a three day pass, and $10 for a single day pass, which isn't that bad considering most local shows these days have a $10 cover just for 3-4 bands. It's called "Value" people, and it goes to a good cause, I think, Girls Rock Detroit!, which promotes creative expression, community awareness, and positive self-esteem. I can't stress how much that last part means. You can look them up here at this link:

Girls Rock Detroit

   For the past few weeks, I have previewed the entire Fest, the only local music entity to do that by the way, and have been for the past half decade, showcasing every act, good or mid, and have done everything I have could to charter hype and raise awareness for the Fest, all for no charge. What did you do this week? These days, a simple post on your band's Facebook page with 100 subscribers isn't going to cut it. These days, you need the most read local music, pop culture, and entertainment blog for over a decade to step in and say, "Hey, maybe check this thing out!" Or you could just go back and read Jeff Milo reposting the same band profiles from acts that are ten years old, but one's that people don't remember (Oscillating Fan Club, anything Craig Brown, anything associated with Third Man Records not named Jack White).

   But you still remember JCM. Well, at least a few of you do. Of course our set at the Fest has been targeted by the lame, boring, and dull "cancel culture" crew, but what these aging artifacts and never-were's will never understand is that we don't care. The value of the JCM was never really about the music (although some of it is fun), or the bodies we drew in. It was always about the word of mouth, the talk around town. And that is still there. So, to all the waterheads out there, keep falling back on your liquid keyboard tears about Queen Kwong, and tax evasion, and pressure cookers filled with local band CD's. We have evolved. We are now the good guys, the babyfaces, while everyone else has become the "No More Fun Club", just happy to be miserable because it's so much easier that way. We are still here. We are preaching fun. We are Still playing Friday, July 7th at the Lager House for the Corktown Music Fest in support of Girls Rock Detroit. I finished my 2nd book as well this week, "Make Up Something". To all the constant complainers, what have You done this week? As for the Fest, be sure to grab your 3 day pass and support all of the local acts donating their time and talent. Get there early. Support the venues. You can check the links below for my previews of every act playing. We will also have the official "Bug JCM Merch Stand"

   And this leads us to the Final Preview, the only preview that matters, but not really, but the only preview that doesn't consist of a lazy Facebook post, "Hey check out my band guys," the only preview that isn't supported by the Metro Times. Oh yeah, them.... If you check the Metro Times website (as of this writing), there is zero mention of the Corktown Music Fest in support of Girls Rock Detroit in their events search. With nearly 100 local music artists involved, how can there be not a single mention of this Fest on their page?

Zero mention of any band playing, zero mention of the charity, zero mention of a Fest featuring nearly 100 bands. This is the best part, they actually have blurbs for events in Port Huron instead (??!!), along with open-mic comedy shows in Hamtramck (??!!). Can we finally put the Metro Times to sleep and send Lee DeVito to Canada, where he belongs, and let him choke on all the smoke. Of course I don't mean that literally, but it is a metaphor for the shit they put out on a weekly basis, just a bunch of failed writers, interns, and has-beens. I have loved watching the Metro Times die a slow death these past few years, going from a once semi-respectable local weekly to what amounts to a Kroger/Meijer circular except instead of meat and fruit ad's it's just dispensaries. At least when the coffin is mercifully closed on that rag, Lee and his college reject staff can always apply for a gig at Nerdist or Huffpost, or go back to fan-boy designing Von Bondie's flyers.. From Motor City Rocks to cratering the only remaining local weekly. Great job amateurs!!! Sorry for the tangent, let's stick the final hard sell for the 2023 Corktown Music Fest July 7-9th, Lager House/Brooklyn 2000.

The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre- Fri. July 7th, midnight, Lager House- Try as you might, and you might just fail, the JCM will be headlining Friday night around midnight. You never know when it could be the last show with core members Metro and -jr. We also have a guest tambourine player, Darlene S. who promises not to cover herself in blood and ruin the stage. We have a crisp 30 minute set lined up, so we can all hit MGM after and watch all the amateur weedheads hit on 18 at the blackjack table.

   So, get out there and support local stuff, stay away from the Metro Times and Port Huron, and check out some new and old acts. I think JCM might be the longest tenured band playing the Fest. That is very scary, and has to piss at least a few people off. You failed. Our work here is done. I tried my best to get the word out. The rest is up to you.

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro 

CorkTown Fest Prevue Part 3-Sunday

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Hey all, Metro here. Well, thankfully, June is over with, and summer is in full swing. I am back with my final part of my 2023 CorkTown Summer Music Fest preview. As stated earlier, this festival benefits something called Girls Rock Detroit, a non-profit (verified), that works with female youth and adults in many different ways. They are also cool with the LGBTQ and Trans crowd, which is probably JCM's #1 demographic these days. Admission is $20 for a three day pass, $10 for a single day pass, or you can just show up with a cheap guitar and say you are playing and get in for free, a technique I have used for multiple Blowouts. All proceeds go to the kids, or else we wouldn't be doing this. Have I ever lied to you?

   We will also have the official JCM Merch Table, with all proceeds going to The Marcie Bug Freebie Foundation. You can pick up event exclusive JCM band member Bud Light products designed by my bootlegging Wizard/Wise Man, Kentucky Pete. Imagine trying to shotgun one of these babies and having me or -jr staring you in the face! We'll probably also have signed cd's, and maybe copies of my debut novel, "The Invisible People" as well. For those who can't make it ("I'm out of town, I have to work, I have the kids, etc."), you can purchase the book here:   The Invisible People

   Before we get to the artist previews, I am excited to announce a second JCM summer show, this one at the Corktown Tavern on Saturday, July 15th. This one will be a beautiful disaster, and also a book release soiree for my second book (who saw that coming?) "Make Up Something". Stay tuned for more details and the hype machine roll out soon.

   Sunday at the CorkTown Summer Music Fest has an early start time at Noon, and is all ages. I'll bite my lip on jokes right now...

Okay!

   All of the acts will be at the Brooklyn 2000 event space which is behind Lager House, and they go until 6pm. But fear not my degenerate drinkers, the Lager House (who is only hosting the fest on Friday) is having a "Fest Afterparty" starting at 7pm. The cover is also $10. I wish I had more info but the event page is filled with so many TBA's that I won't even bother posting the link here. I do NOT know if the $20 three day pass wristband gets you in to the afterparty, though I think it absolutely should. I also do not know where the money is going, although one would hope that it is also going to the Girls Rock Detroit org, which it absolutely should. So far, the only acts announced are something called Bargain World (featuring members of Fen Fen, who I don't know either), and Bitch Kraft, who was scheduled to play Friday for the actual Fest, but aren't playing Friday anymore. Weird. Yeahhh, your mileage may vary on this one kiddos, but hey, support local venues and all!

   Anyway, you know the rules. Each act gets one song/video, and I give a sentence or two of a take on it.

Sunday, July 9th-Brooklyn 2000

Robert Navarre- "Live"- Mostly acoustic covers. Harmless, okay, music.

Marq Andrew Speck- I think his actual band is playing Saturday, so no double dipping. Plus, loses points for the slightly pretentious parlay of the three word name and the spelling of "Marq".

Judy Banker- "Buffalo Motel"- Harmless singer songwriter stuff. Good tone. I thought it was good.

Nick James- "Live"- Harmless country rock. I think Robert Navarre, Judy Banker, and Nick James should form a band. It would save me some time.

Stuart Benbow- "What Can I Do?"- To answer his question, I would join Robert, Judy, and Nick's band I suggested just now.

Hard Luck Pete- "Get By"- That was Kentucky Pete's nickname in college. Add Hard Luck Pete to my Sunday supergroup I will need 10% commission on.

LRAD- Has an online, steampunky (maybe), presence, but didn't find much actual content. Do better.

Madigan's Attic- "Streams of Whiskey"- Still more acoustic, but Irishy. Almost as catchy as JCM's "Pools of Lube".

Widetrack- "Tribal"- Father/Son duo, which is pretty cool. And they are pretty damn solid. I recommend.

KOT Flame- "Live"- They are very polite. The opening song from the footage I saw was pretty good, like late period Gun Club. I liked it.

Arbor- They are also listed to be playing Saturday. I couldn't find anything on them for Saturday's preview either. Stop wasting my time Arbor, and change your fucking name.

Happenstance- I guess this is Robert Navarre from up there's actual band. Double dipping And on the same day! JSB is going to be so jealous.

Zosette and the Groove- "Live"- I always get hives when I see the word "Groove" in a band name. They sound exactly like you would think they would.

dane Doperock- I didn't find much. I did find some hip hop guy with the same moniker. He was pretty awful.

The Pink 50's- "GIMM"- Pretty decent, driving hard rock with a sprinkle of punk. Just a taste. Could do worse.

The Microplastics- Couldn't find anything. Sorry, but it's not my fault.

Cadriane- "Dead Rhythm"- Some electro stuff that wasn't that good, and made me feel old. So, pass.

Miss Paula and the Candy Bandits- "Alphabet Song"- I had fun with this song. It was clever, and a pretty decent rocker. Approved Metro Seal.

No Sin in Eden- "Rainy Day"- Mazzy Starr vibes. Harmless and well done. Cool name too.

Poor Player- "Live"- This could be my nickname in so many ways. But they are a solid country jam band. Vocals could use some work, but who am I to say?

Jackie's Dead- "So Low"- I loved the sax and the overall production. They take this seriously. I liked it, really good song.

   Well, that's it for the full preview. At least it ended on a good note. Sunday looks to be a little more low-key which makes sense because I have a feeling this Fest will skew/draw older and everyone will still be recovering from the JCM's set on Friday July 7th at midnight at the Lager House. And there is nothing wrong with that. I will be right there with you. Until the very end. Have I ever lied to you?

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro