Listen To This Now!!!!

Friday, April 11, 2014

Pipebomb Recognition

Number 1 on the best quotes of the year.  No fluff.  No pandering.  Just honesty.  We need a little more of that around here instead of the usual "These are our friends and like totally go check out their show and if you disagree we'll sic the masses on you via social media and then delete it after."

Oh, and I still can't believe Undertaker lost :(

Boo Hoo

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro


Who needs to be the Best of Detroit when you are the Best in the World?

While waiting for my dinner tonight after working 13 hours so I don't have to go on Facebook to ask people if they have any extra bike locks I picked up the latest issue of the Metro Times, the Best of Detroit issue.  I only could read it for a few minutes, not because my food was ready but because if I read any further I would lose my appetite.  In addition to Hip in Detroit tying with Metro Times and a website that is currently going out of business (how is that even possible?) and (haha) for Best Website they felt the need to include this choice bit in their "Critic's Choice" section:

Best Scene Cheerleaders

Hip in Detroit;

Sadie Q and Christie Laabs of Hip in Detroit really never have anything bad to say about anybody, and that’s OK. That’s their bag, and its how they’ve set themselves up. These girls are cheerleaders, determined to “big up” everything that they like and basically ignore what they don’t. There’s a real buzz about the blog now, thanks to the fact that the girls can be seen everywhere sporting huge grins and emitting positivity from every pore. Nothing wrong with that.

Did Metro Times really catch that much flack for their article on us that they felt the need to make up an award for the biggest wastes of space in the Metro area?  Did Hip in Detroit cry that much?  Does the Metro Times definition of "emitting positivity from every pore (and there are a lot)" include inciting followers on their privatized friends list to go after people up to the point of threatening violence.  I'm not sure I've ever threatened violence against anything in my life but those privileged to view their personal pages did see (since deleted) the call to arms.  "There's a real buzz about the blog now".  Thanks to us.  Nobody knew these nobodies before we zeroed in on them and for the month or so after Hamtramck Music Fest when we stopped, they went back to obscurity.  Their "support" for the Hamtramck Music Fest consisted of showing up at a venue, taking a pic, and splitting.  If they just changed the name of their site to Hip in Ferndale, I'd be much more at peace with it.

Back to square one.  I really don't think I should have to spell this out for you because....well you're professionals...but I will.  You have 2 audiences-  The bourgeoisie who generate ad revenue and the internet base.  I can't believe how much you have dropped the ball with Blowout.  The bias of the douchebags you have booking it prevented a set with JCM and..... Hellmouth.  Or you could have booked JCM at a venue that had no hope of drawing anybody...but you decided to do that to so many other bands that didn't deserve such a fate.

You even booked At Willoughby, who made his debut at our first Blowout as a contest winner that we gave our extra wristband to.  With all due respect, this is like having a druid main event Wrestlemania with The Undertaker sitting at home.

So I reach the end..... Metro Times I don't know what you want.  You are in the crosshairs of going under and we are here to get you hits, attention, talk.....none of which the current Blowout lineup is garnering.  Does it hurt to post these profiles on bands that nobody cares about?

We are the most interesting act in this area.  We have always delivered at Blowout.  We don't care.


Bryan Metro

Friday, April 4, 2014

Metro in New Orleans-MT Blowout

Metro checking in from the Big Easy.  Yes, yes, I know.  I have a real, actually multiple jobs, and don't have to post on Facebook if anybody is hiring, or wants to buy this important part of Detroit art, etc, and am spending the week in Louisiana. I'm working on a pretty rad photo blog on the city (and Wrestlemania season) to post after I get back and I won't even ask for a Kickstarter or a grant to do it.  Because I can.  Because I don't need any help from anybody, unlike the multitude of bands in Detroit.  And this leads us to this year's Blowout lineup.  Now, I only plan on speaking on this travesty sparingly as it has been established that the Lavender Blog gets more hits than the Metro Times Blog and our article on for the Hamtramck Music Fest was the most read/commented post this past year.
But this year, Blowout chose to bite the hand that feeds them.  Take a look on your facebook really, do it...... okay done?  The only people talking about Blowout are the bands playing on Blowout.  Not a good business model.  Even Metro Times peeps say they "can't agree with our opinion" but look at the verbiage... "Can't" vs. "Don't".  It speaks volumes.  The fact is, Blowout is now run by the same out of touch people who pay out of touch bands like Electric Six and the Detroit Borebra's, to headline an event where barely anybody else will get paid.  Then they schedule it for 3 cities over the same weekend killing the local businesses that established Blowout in the first place. Oh cool, can't wait to see Carjack do the same show that he did in 2008!  Sign me up.  Tunde has backup singers???  WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK!!!!  Can somebody ask Electric Six how much they are getting paid for playing Blowout?  I would but I'm banned from their page, and since their trust fund ran out around the time they brought in the gimp from Johnny Headband (Exterminate album) and their albums turned to shit....well I can't blame them, not the Metro Times Blowout bookers....gotta bring in the frat boy suburbanites to pad the turnout.  Can somebody ask MT Blowout how they are supposed to be the most cutting edge of music festivals when all their photos resemble awkward family photos rejects?  I would but I'm banned.  I'm banned because we speak the truth.  The perennial voice of the voiceless. I actually feel sorry for the Metro Times because Blowout will bomb this year and it's not their fault.  They hired the most self serving, grudge holding, money grubbers around to book their event.  Like everybody else in the local scene....cowards.  Actually it is their fault after all... People like Anthony Morrow and Chris Johnston (bookers of Blowout) are the worst.  Every day they look in the mirror, smile, and say, "I am exactly where I was three years ago, and I'm gosh darn proud of it."

Bryan Metro

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The Bastardization of Blowout

So who is booking Blowout this year? Noone has heard from Cjonst since last year. Granted, he's been busy with conference call after conference call with Shane Smith spending last year's take to get Jamaican Queens on Noisey; but one would've thought he was focusing on expanding his business empire to become the first-ever-crowned Monopoly Man of Ferndale. Nonetheless, Blowout is upon us. Last year, it was a 2 weekend affair first taking place in Hamtramck and then in Ferndale. This made the festival bloated and redundant. Bands were performing 1-3 times at different venues throughout the 2 weekends. Years past, the top 2 headlining bands of each venue each night were paid. It was not big bucks, but it was something. When booking duties changed from Eve Doster to Cjonst, this was no longer the case. Where'd the money go? Cjonst is in charge of PR/management for, most notably, Jamaican Queens. Could there be a correlation between the retained funds from last year's Blowout and their recent PR Boost everywhere? (It would be gut-bustingly funny if it turned out they were paying Cjonst out of their trust funds).

This year, Blowout has been scaled back to one singular weekend. However, it is encompassing three cities: Detroit, Ferndale, and Hamtramck. This is a logistical nightmare for the festival attendee. If there is the bus system, people are going to spend more time travelling from venue to venue, from city to city, only to see snippets of sets. My prediction is that each venue is going to be extremely insular. Venues will turn into showcases for the different Detroit Music Scene contingents. For example, Cjonst's bottom bitch Jesse Shephard Bates has the leeway to book the WAB as he sees fit. More than likely, it is going to go something like this.

The festival is being spearheaded by Pulp Detroit which is the unholy brofest of Cjonst and past lavendar fave Anthony Morrow. Morrow booked the Majestic Complex for years and was responsible for the locally focused Detour Fest, which he bloated into Fucking Awesome Fest after the Detour mag/webzine went belly up. Then on the 3rd year of Awesome Fest, he decided to make it a more national affair touting Icehouse, Shabazz Palaces (who no showed and were replaced by a shoehorned in Detroit Cobras), Tiny Masters of Today, etc. Like most Detroit National Festivals, it was a flop both monetarily-wise and publicity-wise. Look at Orion Fest that was going to be a yearly thing but is done now after the first year. Look at the Inaugural and last MI fest which cancelled one whole stage of acts and caused The Juliets to cancel themselves from existence. The only festival I can think of that has gained traction is the Electric Forest Festival but it is so far away geographically from the Detroit Metropolitan area that it might as well be in a different state. So we'll see, will it work? I doubt it. It's probably going to be a fucking convoluted mess. At least Eugene Strobe saw the stupidity and had the vision to step up and coordinate the Hamtrack Music Festival which was a rad time.


Monday, March 24, 2014

Marche de le Nain Rouge Revue

Woke up. Hunted through Netflix queue for roughly 15 minutes. Felt like 30. Decided on "How I Live Now" starring Saoirse Ronan directed by Kevin Macdonald. It was quite a suspenseful, thrilling surprise of a movie. 4 stars. Time to get moving. Shower. Dress. Hit the door. Drive at top speed listening to JCM Demos because the app on my iPhone is forever failing and pausing songs and it is stressing me out bigtime. Have to park on Alexandria north of Cass because the whole city is already cordoned off for the 5K and parade. Spend 2-3 minutes weighing the positives and negatives of wearing gloves. Leave gloves in car. Walk 3 steps and immediately regret not having gloves. Past the point of no return. Light ciggy. Walk past rows of runners and wannabe runners overstretching and overprepping trying to impress their Running Fit cohorts with their running gear for a paltry 3 mile race on a fucking freezing spring day. Get to Traffic Jam. As I finish my ciggy, Peter the Freshman pops out and surprises me. He has been there since 9am. It is 11. Sit and have drinks. I have the Breakfast Stout. He has the IPA. I have another beer, Peter orders a fish sandwich. The freaks start to roll in. The 5k is over. Suck runs in. We split and reform in the table area upstairs. It is beyond a fucking hassle to piss or order anything at this point. I am trapped. There is a sleazy scumbag porn photographer shooting hundreds of photos of the same two over 40 GILFS that have too much skin showing for their age and really just look like fucking idiots. They are blocking the stairs. I yell, "Excuse me!" and they move as slowly and inconsiderately as possible. I catch fat Terry-Richardson-with-long-hair-and-halitosis's attention and say, "Hey, why don't you take a picture of me?" and give him the finger. I weave my way through the dining room to the pisser in the back to avoid any further altercation. On my way back I order 2 more Breafast Stouts and go through a repeat when having to return upstairs. Conversation hovers around how to properly cook different types of seafood, the "Game of Thrones" premier, and self-made internet memes and I have absolutely nothing to contribute. After the stouts were gone, I came to outside standing and taking in the crowd. It is by far the whitest crowd I have ever seen in Detroit. Ran into a few old acquaintances and went through the templated conversational nonsense that is standard. 20 minutes go by and I am starting to lose my buzz. I overly suggest wanting to go to the Bronx and I am met with maybes and non answers. A guy dressed in an Assassin's Creed costume taps me on the back and starts asking me fucked up questions in an olde English brogue and I start to have a panic attack. For a millisecond, I think it is Metro fucking with me but then he shoves a Theatre Bizarre postcard in my hand. I say, "What the fuck is this?" and tear it up and throw it on the ground. I need a drink stat. The devil comes around the left riding a giant metal and rubber fire breathing dragon to the tune of the "Imperial March". I am sweating and really starting to lose my cool. Too many freaks and weirdos. We break away and head to The Old Miami. It's a lot closer than I expected. Get to the door, $5 bucks to get in. We're all pissed and laugh at the people stupid enough to pay to get in. As we walk away there are 4 people against the backyard gate staring with their faces protruding out from between the iron bars and the irony cheers me up. We walk way too far, catch up with the parade, and arrive at Temple Bar. Nowhere near as many trannies as year past but tons of twinks in unitards and Molly Soda facsimiles. Pounding gay techno permeates the atmosphere and is a complete hindrance to any conversation. I have 2 High Lifes, a shot of Fireball, and a $1 Jello Shot. I start to get the fear. When my friends go to dance, I disappear. I stumble down Cass to get to my car and decide to instead go in Slows-2-Go. I order the pulled chicken and brisket combo with sides of mac n cheese and cornbread. I am too drunk to really order coherently but they probably deal with this all the time and the food comes out as I intended. I was not blown away by the quality of the food and all the hype I was led to believe about the place. When it came time to eat the cornbread, I felt like a crippled person trying to shove cormeal into a mouth with a flipper claw. It went everywhere. It was becoming a scene and people were staring. I stood up and shook everything away like a wet dog and ran into the unisex bathroom. I sat and collected myself. As I walked out, my dining area looked like a gruesome Manson murder of BBQ. I really just couldn't deal with it so I just walked past, left, and drove myself home. When I got home, I reheated 2 slices of Toarmina's pizza and put on "Bad Boys" before I drifted away...


Saturday, March 15, 2014

Want Ads

M and M sit in an empty loft in a suburb of Detroit watching a television that wasn't even on.
  "Did you repost the ad?" Mar asks without looking at him.
  "I did yesterday and I also posted something on social media.  I'm sure it'll be okay.  I didn't tell you but I had somebody message me earlier today while you were out buying meat that they were interested in coming by to check out the space."
   "That's really encouraging Mike.  Really encouraging.  Things have been pretty tough lately and I think we could use an extra body around to lighten the load, so to speak," Mar replies.
  "I thought so too Mar.  I've been putting the feet to the pavement lately and I think we will see some bites, especially with school and the weather warming up and things like that."

They sit in silence for a few minutes.  Nothing really happens.
   "Have you played any shows lately?" one of them asks.
   "Not really, but I've made it out to a few shows.  They were pretty good.  How about you?" the other answers.
   "Yeah, pretty much the same."

More silence. The there is a knock on the door.
   "Oh, that must be Jeremy, the guy who messaged me about checking out the guest room.  I forgot to tell you that he was coming by today.  Silly me."
  "Silly you, I had no idea that anybody was coming by today, Mike.  I haven't had time to get pretty and I really was content with the idea of watching the television for a while and then maybe going to bed.  And now I have to deal with this Jeremy guy... It's all really unfair."
 At this point Mike grabs a stack of fashion magazines from a box labeled only with an "E" (for emergencies) and Mar gets transfixed and stops talking.  He gets up to answer the door and before he does he checks on Mar and when he looks she is no longer on the couch and he chuckles to himself if she was even there in the first place.
   "Hi, I'm Mike, welcome to our home and hopefully yours too!" Mike says with a cheery grin.

Jeremy steps in and surveys the layout.
   "I thought it would have been bigger based on your description on Facebook but I guess it will do.  I work with art and have a studio at Wayne State so I guess I don't need the extra space.  $300 right?  That's the monthly cost?"
   "Sure," Mike replies.
   "Alright.  I'm really in a pinch right now so the sooner I can move in the better."
   "Well we can probably work it out this weekend."

At this point Mar races from the bathroom carrying a screwdriver that she promptly drives into Jeremy's nose causing a rain of blood to shoot all over the kitchen.  As he falls to the ground Mar mounts him and continues to drive the screwdriver into every available facial hole. 
   "Jesus Mar, did you really have to do that?  He would have taken the extra room!"
   "I didn't like the way he LOOKED."  More stabs.

Jeremy has stopped moving and nobody quite knows what to do so Mike and Mar sit there for a couple minutes.
   "I took down the Craigslist ad when this guy responded.  I'll go put it back up," Mike starts, "This will be the 5th time this month.  While I'm up I will call Steve to get rid of this mess.  I probably didn't like him anyway, I guess."
  "Okay, thanks.  I'm going out, " Mar replies.

Jump cut to three hours later.

   "Hey Mike, I'm back!  This is Chris.  I think he would be a great fit for the extra room in the...."

Mike jumps out from behind the couch wearing nothing but a fur coat and uses a pair of hedgeclippers to cut off Chris' left hand (after two tries) and as Chris falls to the ground trying to grab his hand from underneath the couch Mike grabs the prepared jug of battery acid and pours it on Chris' lower back so that with each lunge under the couch his body starts to detach itself.  Chris is now no longer looking for his hand and is just trying to hide under the couch, screaming.

   "Yeah, sooo.... sorry.  I couldn't help it.  I feel really bad about this and I promise to call Steve to clean this up and I'll start posting for a new roommate again," Mike apologizes
  "I can dig it.  When you call Steve tell him it's not necessary for him to bury these people while wearing flashy silver and gold," Mar accepts, kind of.
   "You know how he is.  I doubt the neighbors would be concerned anyway seeing some hippie in gold burying half bodies in the backyard since I have already killed all of the neighbors and have them buried in the yard.  In fact, Steve is buried in the yard too and all I have to do is call him and tell him that it's not hot, so hot and he will dig himself up out of the ground and take care of this fucker you just brought here, goddammit!"
   "Do you want me to get naked?"
   "Jesus, no.  Just.... well hop on my FB and post an ad for another roommate.  Fuck!"

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Join Us. Join Us. Join Us.

Hey fuckfaces.... I mean HEY DETRROOOOIIIITTTTTTT,

Serious inquiry here.  The JCM is looking for somebody (preferably female) who is willing to have their head shaved in a public setting around the time of April 30th- May 3rd.

We promise that this will have meaning and you are free to keep the hair and maybe even donate it if you wish.

If anyone is interested please contact us at

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

bug update

It all makes sense now. I get it.


Sunday, March 9, 2014

HamFest Final Day Revue

Hey fuckfaces,

Had a practice at Suck's.  It went well.  Watched a lot of TV, played with a dog, you know, the usual.

Then I went home and have an absolute blackout of what happened from then till showtime.

Got to Baker's Street Car Bar and was promptly heckled by some skullcrackers saying "Go back to the suburbs".  Ha, and to think, I am there to breathe life into HamTown.

So, if you haven't guessed, I'm not reviewing any of the other acts that played Saturday because really the only thing to talk about is your main events, the JCM.

It turned out that all the boycotts and e-mails from "prominent local bookers" were for nothing.  Because.....get this......even though none of the bands that we went out and supported on Day 1 came out to support us, yet the venue was packed and nobody left and people actually had fun and Hellmouth were playing at....oh, yeah....nowhere.

So, go ahead and bitch and moan, but we win again, but make sure those sandwiches are made before you start the moaning tubbys.


Saturday, March 8, 2014

Bryan Metro's Revue of HamFest Day 2

Got off work and went to -jr's.  From there we came up with a calculated plan to take over HamFest.  It started with 2 Hell in a Cell matches, one of we lost, and then ended up defeating HHH and HBK with the tandem of CM Punk and Ho Kogan and then we went to the Bronx Bar for dinner/burgers.  The gf's were feeling under the weather so it was boys night.
After eating some burgers and playing the Dwight Tilley Band 3 times we went to Whiskey in the Jar to check out Odd Hours.  Guy in Odd Hours was covered in tar or something which I didn't get.  I'm 35.

Next up we went to Phvp to check out Duende.  As they were getting ready to play I surveyed the crowd.  Decent turn out.  Bought some beers for the clique.  Sadovsky was there in red pants.  Not a maybe....totally a yes.  Would bang.  Before Duende went on, the mayor of the Ferndale elite showed up to say something along the lines of , "Hey I totally didn't try to arrange a boycott of this fest and I am here to support YOU," and then left before they even played a note to probably say the same thing to 12 other bands.

Too bad because Duende started out with a dedication to the voice of the voiceless, the Motor City Saints, the JCM, and went into an audience participation "Boss Radio".  Now that is the spirit of Detroit, hold the pancakes.

Warp speed to Superbomb...pretty good....sue me if I have nothing bad to say.

Ended up at mnbjfjkkjfskjbsdf  to check out Sisters of Sunshine Vapor.  They were solid as always and have perfected the art of playing one song for 15 minutes.  At the New Dodge I spotted the Bug and we may have made eye contact and had a moment and I was ready to rock and roll and leave a white streak in dat red hair, after having soaked my dick in Raid all day at work, but alas it was not to be as we had to leave and -jr tried to convince me not to drive home, but I did anyway because I just had the bad case of hiccups.

Got home safe and am typing this up which means Tomorrow, Saturday at 10:30 is still on.