Out now on Checkers Records Collective, the new LP by JCM, "The Fall of Bryan Metro".

Listen To This Now!!!!

Monday, September 24, 2018

JCM DIY Coverage

September 22nd-

It is a cold one.  Coldest morning I can remember in months.  I'm still in bed. My head is pounding and I wonder if I would be able to see my breath, but am too nervous to test it. I pull up the covers I must have kicked off during yet another nightmare. My old bones are starting to lock up, so I turn over to face....no one. I sigh.  Must mean it's Saturday.  I did not see my breath with the sigh so that motivates me enough to get out of bed.  I left the window open all night.  Dammit.  I grab my pocket calendar.  Most of the dates are blank; empty days.  Another sigh.  No breath.  Then I notice today, Sept. 22nd, and that the annual Ferndale DIY Fair is happening along with a post-it note reminding me that I have been hired to cover it in person.  "In person" was both highlighted and underlined.  It doesn't concern me that the handwriting isn't mine.  That's a case for another day.  Probably some floozy looking for a story at 4am.  Maybe a scag baron.  Another day.  Already wasting too much time.

I assemble a suitably inconspicuous wardrobe...

I remember a conversation I had in a saloon with some rat who needed someone to talk to.  He warned me, "Working for the JCM has its risks around town."  After letting him pay for my whiskey double, I made a mental note that this assignment has already crossed into the red zone, baby.

I make it to the bathroom.  I left that window open too.  Dammit.  I'm starting to lose it.  Can't remember much anymore.  I splash some cold water on my face and ask myself, "Ready for one more case Johnny?"  No time to shower.  My assignment is to secure as many interviews as possible at DIY to assist the JCM with their ongoing concerns with the Hamtramck Public School system and their connection with the Hamtramck Music Festival.  I fumble for my box of business cards, but they all say "Bryan Metro".  No good.  The name sounds familiar, but I can't place it.  I remember less and less every day it seems.  I spend twenty minutes working on my spectrum of fake accents that I can use and finally settle on one.  It is horrible, but just may work.  This isn't my first rodeo.

I grab my wallet.  Empty.  Again.  Dammit.  Must've gone to the juke joint again last night.  Third time this week.  Its getting bad again.  Just need to finish this job and then things will change.  Thankfully, my neighbor always goes to the farmer's market Saturday mornings and leaves her side door unlocked.  I also knows where she keeps the cash.  I know this because I track her.  Its my job.  I make sure to bring a couple of treats for her cat Kathy.  I'm not a complete monster.

After securing some loot, some cheddar, so I can properly cover this Fair. I decide that I can't do it without eating.  A steak sounds great.  Medium....nahhh, bloody.  I have a feeling that's how this case is going to end.  Or maybe not.  I've made a career out of beating the odds, every time with one foot in the grave.  That's why JCM hired me.  They needed somebody who used to be the best, but wouldn't raise one eyebrow if they disappeared.

I make it out to the steakhouse without getting pulled over, already forgetting about my assignment.  The waitress is a peach named Kathy.  Sweet as apple pie and easy on the eyes.  My steak comes in good time, though not quite bloody enough.  After finishing, I was visited by a member of JCM who was in disguise.  "Can't be too careful," is a phrase that I came up with myself, and we use it here.  They deliver a checklist that I have to interview five people.  Any others would result in a bonus.  They also dropped off a handful of handmade poster boards that I am to feature at specific times.  There is another performance bonus if I can nab anybody from the HamFest or Hip in Detroit.  The latter will be tough as I do not know what they look like, and the only photo provided was a picture of a creature from the film "Return of the Jedi".  After finishing up with the cloak and dagger act, I decide to check off one of the poster boards...

Officially on the clock now.  The six whiskeys that I had with my steak dull the fear enough to get properly bored and cover this thing.  After arriving at the Fair, I check off another of the poster boards.  Yeah, it's in the parking structure, but I'm still collecting that money.

Immediately, the smell of fragranced soap makes me want to vomit.  "Too soon for that jazz," I keep muttering to myself.  The sun is still out.  After vomiting in the middle of the street, I head out to find my first interview.  I have a poorly made "Johnny Press" index card in my hat so that these people know that I mean business.  The real deal, daddy.  Lets get put on the map!

My first target is a woman named Kathy.  The name rings a bell, and I go silent as she looks on uncomfortably.  I think I ran into a Kathy at the tavern last week.  I was crying again at the bar and she was the dame slinging the whiskey shots to make everything better.  Back to this Kathy...…

Here is the exchange:
Johnny Press- "How do you feel about the lack of transparency from the Hamtramck Music Festival?"
Kathy- "What?"
Johnny Press- "I'm sorry.  Thank you."

Next I head over to the band stage to check off another deposit: shot of a band playing that includes the crowd.  I think these honkey tonks were called "Brother Son".  I know the turnout seems like Hamtram Labor Day levels but more people filled in.  They were okay.  No Howlin' Wolf tho'.

I fumble through the JCM checklist.  A schmo like me needs to earn every penny.  One note stressed that I needed to focus on the gender, race, and sexual diversity of Ferndale.  So my next interview was with Greg:

Johnny Press- "You seem pretty wealthy.  Have you ever loaned Eugene Strobe or John Bissa any money?"
Greg- "Who?"
Johnny Press- "I get it.  Thank you."

Just to prove that my diversity test was not an aberration, I approached my next volunteer, Anthony.

Even before I started my questions I was beaming inside knowing I can check off gender, race, and sexual identity in one giant swoop.  He then asked if his girlfriend could be in the pic as well.

Dammit. There goes that plan. Anyway:
Johnny Press- "What entitled (a trick of words calculated to see if there were any trip-ups) you to come to the DIY Fair?"
Anthony- "The vendors.  We come every year."
Johnny Press- "How do you feel about the level of corruption in the city of Hamtramck?"
Anthony- "What?"
Johnny Press- "Thank you."

After leaving Anthony, who was looking over his shoulder, concerned, I fumbled for my scoop.  I needed another female represented. So I found a willing voice by retracing my steps and finding the first Kathy and interviewed her friend, also named Kathy.

I knew a Kathy when I was working on a piece in Mexico.  She was a nice Mexican girl.  We had fun during those summer storms.  Back to this Kathy:
Johnny Press- "Have the Hamtramck Public schools received any money or instruments from the Hamtramck Music Festival?"
Kathy #2- "I don't understand."
Johnny Press- "That's all I need."

I'm down to my last interview.  Dead ends are everywhere, and I'm starting to feel the heat of the deadline.  I spot my next subject.  Oh no.....He's black.  God DAMMIT!  I knew it would end this way.  I fumble for my pepper spray and realize I left it at home next to the empty fish tank and framed photo of Natalie Wood. The knife is back in the car. This is when everything can get dicey.  But I have a job to do.  His name was Terry:

Johnny Press- "Are you having a good time?"
Terry- "You bet.  A little chilly, but yeah."
Johnny Press- "Thanks, gotta go."

After avoiding a major disaster, I run away towards some of the vendor tables.  One of the more interesting ones was a feminist artist who took all of the crude messages she may have received on social dating sites and turned them into art pieces.  Interesting concept.

After deleting 70% of my phone and text messages from the past ten years I start to make my way back to the car, hoping that I am not being followed, or even worse, Terry from earlier has contacted "the others".  On my way I run into local legend in his own mind, failed actor, Jimmy Doom.  He was in a good mood and we talked about Michigan football, but I had to split when he started asking me about last week's Jeopardy.

I made it back to the car and realized that this has been my most harrowing assignment to date, and I regret accepting it.  However, I think I did an admirable job, expect to be paid, but I need a break.  As evidenced by all the answers from my interviews, there is still a lot of work to be done enlightening the public about the scam that was the 2018 Hamtramck Music Festival.  But I'll leave that up to the guys and dolls of the JCM.  Right now, this dive bar I just passed while making an illegal left turn has my name all over it.  All in flashing lights.  And once again, I think I left all the windows open.  Dammit.

From the Desk of
Johnny Press

Postscript-  Hey all, Metro here.  I really had a blast cooking this one up.  I would like if when you are reading it, you did it in the voice of Marv from Sin City or Travis from Taxi Driver.  I hope you all realize that some elements are over the top satire, especially near the end, and it annoys me that I have to stress that, but then again, this is 2018.  My quick take:
I had fun.  Everybody I saw seemed to have fun.  In all fairness I had fun at Labor Day Fest which had a similar vibe but less people.  I think the people running it have the best of intentions (unlike HMF), but just aren't good at making it all come together. Back to DIY, there were a lot of dogs, which is always good.  I ran into some familiar faces from the past including Jeff from Duende! (Brief but polite), Jason Von Bondie, who had his dog, beautiful Otis (and an upgrade from Marcie), and JSB, who I have spent ten years antagonizing.  He was super friendly when he could've tossed a drink in my face.  He's a good sport (even though his taste in bands is suspect).

The JCM collective made donations to Ferncare (via parking), Planned Parenthood, and Dog Aide.  Ugh, but that's so boring right?  I know this post had less venom and vinegar than others, but I tried to include just enough to appease the Constant Readers.  I tried something different, and it's probably the most 2018 of my writing.

Inside the Writer's head moment- As far as the repeated use of Kathy for all of the female characters (including the neighbor's cat), it is a common writing technique when I break out fiction.  There is no Kathy.  No Kathy ever spurned me.  I am not currently attracted to a Kathy.  It was the first name I came up with.  One of my biggest pet peeves is that in 97% of books and movies there is only one character name in the entire work.  Go to imdb and cherry pick through movies.  Only one "Todd" can be in the movie, only one "Sally".  I know three Emily's so why can't there be multiple characters with same names? I guess every writer needs a "calling card", so I guess that's mine. It challenges the Writer to develop them as unique characters.  Thankfully I didn't have to do that here because they were all basically extras.  Anyway, thanks for reading, and remember to eat shit!

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Friday, September 21, 2018

Metro's 2018 DIY Fair Preview

*Update!-  I, Mr. Metro will not be able to cover this year's DIY Fest due to other engagements like V-Marts last game as a Tiger at Comerica Park and Sunday being the Lord's day of rest.  I look forward to seeing everybody's pics and vids though!  Check out my band reviews below though.  Maybe ya might find something fuuuuun.

Hey all Metro here.  Before I get to the meat of the post, just a quick reminder that the JCM "Reunion/Resurrection" Tour has been announced for 2019 with the first two dates already confirmed, conveniently, for Friday March 8th at a soon to be announced venue in 2019, along with Saturday March 9th at a soon to be announced non- Hamtramck Music Fest venue.  The full post can be seen here:  For the children...  and here is a flier:

Well, summer's just about done, and we have the last of the big local fests (unless you count Berserker, headlined by everybody's favorite bisexual white supremacist, Phil Anselmo….which I don't).  That means it's time for the 2018 DIY Street Fair in lovely Ferndale.

This is a great opportunity to support local artisans who are paying absurd non-refundable vendor/applications fees to sell their wares to people who are trying every bit of their soul not to make eye contact.  All of this theater set to a backdrop of some shitty local music.  One year, a JCM side project played this fest.  I think it was the year when the Electric Six scammer singer's voice "gave out" which is translation for the performance fee check had yet to clear.  They shouldn't have that problem this year as none of these acts seem to warrant a performance fee.  Since my forte is music (one sec, need to spit up water), I will preview each act along with a bonus section featuring the after parties at the Loving Touch (of course).  I will be using the method you should be familiar with by now: I search youtube/Facebook for the band. Select a song. Time how long it takes to hit stop.  Write a preview blurb.  Rinse, repeat.  So lets get started.  Oh, no days or set times.  That's your job bands and readers.

Barelyon- "Saved & Enslaved Live"- 0.47-  Pretty embarrassing.  Wasted most of my 47 seconds rambling to the crowd who wasn't even paying attention.  Also, the chick plays tambourine worse than me.  Watch the first minute.  Clueless.  Waste of my time and waste of space.

The True Blues- "Live from the Pike Room"- N/A-  The entire video was a soundcheck.  They have the aura of an act playing their first show.  Just happy to be here!  It's okay, we've all been there.

Black Tie Circus- "Solo Beatles Night Live"- 0.44- Oh my god this was really bad. Bobby, Tammy, Bruce, Bertrand from the Narcan Kits will be so pissed about bastardizing Band on the Run like this. The only positive thing to come out of this viewing is that the guitarist made my playing at the Final Show passable.  I see they also covered Glen Frey.  These ponces suck.

The Dam Leslies- I found nothing.  The link on the DIY page goes to a pic that is an inside joke for 4 people.  It is painfully obvious they know the bookers personally and are going to waste everybody's time.  Steve Harvey Oswald, the gauntlet has been thrown.  This preview is off to a great start.

The Black Drops- "Would Live"- 0.25- Another cover show. Wow, this was bad.  I've never been to a Loving Touch cover show but are they all this bad?  The bass player had zero clue and the guitarist was playing in the wrong key.  The song was unrecognizable.  And they were trying!!!!!!  I think reviews like this are why the majority around here hate me.  I don't give pats on the back.  I expose local festivals....okay, getting ahead of myself.  Next week Robby, I mean Metro, next week.

Extra Arms- "Watch Me Explode"- 0.26- I was able to confirm that this is the act formerly known as Ryan Allen and his Extra Arms.  Looks like he finally wised up and removed his name in an effort to actually draw a crowd.  Anyway, the song sucks and generic as fuck.  Are you surprised?  Basement punk....Hahahahahaha, yeah right. Should have used #punkasfuk, also laughable.

John Kay & Who's To Say- Their FB was nauseating.  I'm not clicking on a link that takes me to another link (unless it's about the Reunion Tour up above).  They seem new, naïve, ready to be bled, so I will give them a pass.  This preview is not going so well....

Cloud Nothings- "I'm Not Part of Me"- 1.07- Not awful.  First decent song of the preview, although my expectations have been lowered to a point I may not recover.  Milo, give me a word for that, Stat!

ROVR- "Everybody Started Listening"- 0.29- This gave me possibly the worst migraine in months.  Unlistenable. The bonus points go for the irony in the song title, which is the opposite of what will happen at DIY.

Honeybabe- "Live Echo Fest"- 0.54- Shit. Singer is like Ian Curtis after too many trips to Burger King.  I really want to like some of these acts.  Maybe I'm just picking the wrong videos to watch.

Mackinac- "Please Come Back"- 1.17- By far, the best song I have heard so far.  The production on the song was wayyyyy above average for local acts.  I didn't recognize any of the names involved but it's good they didn't go the Zach Shipps route and piss away their money to a total hack.  Thumbs up.  Good stuff.

Too Many Zooz- "Bedford"- 1.38- As soon as I saw them I wanted to hate them.  I could not.  I loved it.  I had a giant smile on my face watching the video.  They could have gone the route of other annoying pop-up sets like Detroit Party Marching Band or Woodman and were eye rolling, but this was actually good.  Maybe it was the "Bone Season" crazy legs dancing..  My only complaint was the drummer blocked the subway train doors from closing.  Total dick move if you've been to NYC.

Stone Clover- "Rattlin Bag"- 0.40- Completely harmless Irish band.  If that's your bag, then you will enjoy.

Ryan Dippleedoo & the Miracle Men- "Passing Strange"- 1.38-  The song itself kinda bored me, but I loved the video.  Well done.  So its a wash.  Okay, thumbs up.

Brother Son- "Growth"- 0.35- Bunch of pussies.  Singer is of the "Practicing in the mirror" trope.  Total pass on this.

Ancient Language- "Interview at Corktown Strut"- 0.33- Turns out this was a Hip in Detroit interview.  The band seems like harmless, nice people, but my main focus was what was going on with Sadie's arms! It was like something out of The Thing, or maybe even The Stuff.  Yikes.  I got windburn from the flapping....and this was on the laptop!  Back to the act, I actually got them confused with Mexican Knives in terms of bands that I see advertised at every show.  However, Knives were part of my Dally preview, and I only remember it because I would doff the singer. Next.

Tunde Olaniran- "I'm Here"- 0.18.  Another ironic song title.  Jeeze, this guy again. Tunde has taken the "Participation Award" trophy the past 5 or so years here.  Here is what I picture every conversation with him going:  Lower the voice to a whisper, and raise an octave- "Hey Tunde.  That was really good!"  End scene.  Plus his dancers suck.  AND, he stole my nachos!  The only interesting part of this set will be the Vegas odds of the ratio of pics taken by Gold House Media of Tunde versus those they take of themselves.

Reverend Peyton and His Big Damn Band- "Poor Until Payday"- 1.02- I dug it.  Great slide guitar and tone.  Lazy video, but whatev's.  Plus, I wouldn't fuck with him.  He has Deadpool on drums!

Okay, there are your main stage acts.  Now lets get to the bonus coverage:  The After-Parties! Y'know, the acts that didn't make the cut at DIY who then whine to local venues like the Loving Touch asking if they could hop on.  C'mon, you know its true.

Krillin- "Live at Outer Limits"- 0.38-  Ah yes, the band who can't get booked outside of Hamtramck with the fancy costumes finally breaks free.  Dummmmmb.  The shelf life for this act is just about hitting its expiration date.  A tame as fuck GWAR rip off for the CCS crowd.  Tell me I'm wrong.  Major pass.

Jerry Dreams- "Fleeting Feelings"- 1.04- No problems here.  Dudes can write a good tune.  This gets a thumbs up.

Jemmi Hazeman & the Honey Riders- "Live @ Northern Lights"- 0.58- Pretty damn bad.  The band has no identity.  76 views on youtube.  Nuff said.  Sucks.  Pass.

Caveman Woodman-  No song preview because I've felt I have done about ten so far this year, each with diminishing results. Of course, the prerequisite: Dude is a great guy and a friend, but sometimes friends need to have a sit down with friends. Maybe take off a Fest and let another band who could benefit from the exposure get that exposure.  You do not have to hop on to every show and play to the exact same people. Anybody.....anybody, please tell me I'm wrong in the comments section.

Double Winter- "XO"- 0.40- This is a perfect example of a band that takes themselves way too seriously.  I actually had a panic attack about having an actual conversation with the singer.

Break Anchor- "All I Have"- 0.13- Wow....Okay, that was god awful.  Then again, maybe it's not my thing.  Nahhh, it really sucked.

So that's it for my DIY Fest preview.  A cuppa good acts, and a whole lot of crap.  At least it's free so you can't complain too much. I will be taking a break until next week working on the HamFest/money/instrument scam.  Maybe I will cover a day of DIY.  Not sure which, but I'll take pics.  You get too many spoilers anyways.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Ham Fest "Def Con JCM"

"In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity."-  Hunter

Update!  Here is the "official" e-mail for the Hamtramck Music Fest in case you are as pissed off/disappointed as many of us-  hamtramckmusicfest@gmail.com  It may take 7 months to respond but it's a start!

Hey all, Metro here.  I was originally going to post this topic next week, but I just got so giddy. First off, the first donation from the JCM Final Show of 2018 was made today to Dix Animal Hospital.  They were elated as they just took in a rescue who needed an emergency C-Section.
Here is a link to the animal page:  Love!
Now the pups will get a forever home, and early word is one of them is named Wang already.  Here is a crude copy of the receipt.

Sorry for the quality, but I can e-mail it if any of you pussies absolutely cannot believe we did it.  A second donation will be made this week as well, under the name of Cheeto Metro, who just passed this month..  Also, with proof.  Proof?  Ahhhh what a segue.  Time to piss all this goodwill away.....

As you know, the Hamtramck Music Festival has been a thorn in my side for years dating back to when they were paired up with the fraudulent Ben's Encore charity.  The first week of March held the HMF and the build-up included this: "All donated festival proceeds in 2018 will go to the Hamtramck Public Schools Music and Arts Programs".

Reality alert!  That never happened.  No money generated from the "most successful Fest yet" was ever given to any schools.  On July 25th, they retconned (emphasis on "conned") everybody with a public message asking for "donations and leads" on instruments for a non-verified "wish list".  Since then silence….. No updates.  Anybody who paid for the Fest has no information where their money actually went.  Spoiler alert-  This is when it gets fun for me.

There are still some out there who care.  That's where we come in to play. My fact checking bulldog who attended the Fest, and paid, messaged the Hamtramck Public Schools regarding a refund because his money was unaccounted for.  They replied with "the donation will be made at the Sept. 12th board meeting".  Did that happen?  It's not on the meeting agenda notes.

Another friend who paid to attend messaged them with another complaint, and had some good points.  Here are a few:
- If all proceeds, ie: $$, were to go to the schools, then why not just do it?
- Then you post an update 5 months later asking for more help!!
- Why zero updates regarding the equipment progress so people would know what is still needed?
- Here's the big one!  If they gave instruments/equipment instead of actual money, I want, no WE need to see proof of purchase for these instruments because now we are entering into IRS income fraud, and my other, 3rd bulldog who works for the IRS, is scratching at his fleas waiting for that.  If money was collected under the guise of supporting public schools and disappeared, then we have a problem.  Now we know why nobody knows who is on the committee. I know that is a lot of legal jargon, but basically it means "you're fucked".
I understand the IRS angle is flimsy at best so save the comments.  Oh wait, all of the haters have seemed to disappear since I called everybody out at Labor Day Fest.  And don't use the "nobody cares anymore" argument because hits are up, readership at an all time high even without comments. I am just pissed off that they lost their fake charity gravy train (you're welcome) and just tossed out Hamtram schools as a replacement and had no idea how to proceed.  What will it be next year?  I used to think it was corruption, but now I'm leaning toward incompetence.  Either way, these people suck and need to be kept away from anything local scene.

Finally this is a message to the litany of bands and venues.  Are you okay with this?  Are you cool, playing for free for a group of fuck-ups that can't deliver what they promised? Completely incapable. The entire marketing for this year forgot Ben's Encore even existed, and instead promoted Ham Public Schools to sell wristbands.  The biggest irony is that they forgot about the schools too.

Whew, that's it.  Need a nap.  I am including an index of every band and venue who participated in the 2018 Ham Music Fest.  If you have an opinion, denial, whatever, leave it in the comments or the Robby Sturr FB page.  However....silence is telling, pigs.

Venues- Ant Hall, Ghost Light, Baker Streetcar, Bank Suey, Bumbos, Café 1923, Detroit Threads, Hamtramck Public Library (ha, how much did you get?), Kelly's, Korner Bar, New Dodge, Outer Limits, Painted Lady, PLAV's, Polish Sea League, Polish Village Café, Polka Dot, Smalls, Trixies, Whiskey in the Jar

Okay, so any of these venues see a problem hosting an event that consistently fails to deliver while you have to deal with the lost profit?  Next up the bands!

Bands-  Duende, Nadir Omowale, Warhorses, Fizzbang, Funkwagon, Cye Pye & Ya Homies, The My Ways, Lizerrd, Abul on Fire, Bevlove, Minihorse, The Blueflowers, Sidewatcher, Craig Brown Band (muahahahaha), JP From the Bankrupt Campeau, TheImaginatron, Vespre, Lagerheads, The Wrong Numbers, The Strangers, Crashing Cairo, Cosmic Light Shapes The Scrappers, Wreckless Jane, J. Walker, Summer Like the Season, Blue Pontiac, Zac Fortin, Post Imperial Jazz Band, Soul Pepper, The Sugarclouds, Legume, Whiskey Charmers, Stephanie Cox, Drinkard Sisters, Nina & the Buffalo Riders, Pewter Cub, Dear Darkness, The Creepos, Ryan Dillahaha, TRTL, Bruce Farrell, Jheremie Jacque, Timothy Monger, Rachel Brooke, Woodman, Betsy Soukup, Emile Rivard, Detroit Techno Militia, Cosmic Light Shapes, Dave Shettler, Nick Schillance, Thunder on Pluto, Shape Note Singing, Holbrook & Dickinson Choir (that's a doozy using kids it was supposed to benefit), Ultimate Ovation, The Stools, Cosmic Light Shapes, The Garden Party, 002, The Idiot Kids, Brian McCarty & the Big Bad Beat, Hala, VSTRS, All the Wild Children, Dr. Wolf, Asklepius, Krillin, Discipline (the irony), Ladyship Warship, Shallow Stairs, Five Pound Snap, The Dropout, Bave, Ben Keeler Band, Cosmic Light Shapes, Ancient Language, Brother Son, White Bee, Honeybabe, Deadbeat Beat, The Cheetahs, Moonwalks, Wiccans, Eroders, Tin Foil, Mexican Knives, Johnny Salvage, Glasfabrik, The Pontiac Stags, Primitiv Parts, Slob, Francis DeCarlo, LNSP, Black Shampoo, Rogue Satellites, Vazum, Pet Psychic, Dude, Web, Bubak, Suitcase Boozers, Prude Boys, Earth Engine, Siamese, Remnose, Tart, Mango Lane, Go Tiger Go, Hearbreak Dallas, Lex Lander, Lex Luther, Cosmic Light Shapes, Josef Coney Island, Large Extra Large, Dr. Mindbender, Black Tie Circus, Cash O'Reily, Border Partrol, Old Man, Mike Galbraith, Matt Jones, Carmel Liburdi, Emma Guzman, Kubat/Finlay/Rose, Anthony Retka, Jo Serrapere/John Devine, Kate Hinote, 2000 Blue, Dr. Pizza, Act Casual, The Thin Man, Jibs Brown, Nique Love Rhodes, Kelly Zullo, Banjoelectric, Bison Machine, Golden Torso, Cosmic Light Shapes, Electric Huldra, High Totals, Virginia Violet, Bogart, Raven Love, School of Rock, Ex American, Sax & Violence, Girl Fight, Crune, Gruesome Twosome, Bad Medicine, Little Traps, Piffle, The Sillies, The Flipsters, Rabbit Ears, Picnic, Steve Pussies Oswald, Savage Seven, Futile Empire, Zilch (the irony!), Cosmic Light Shapes.

Do not misinterpret these lists as a slag on any of the acts or venues.  They all gave their time under the guise they would be supporting Hamtramck schools.  Most have already forgotton about playing the Fest.  And that's where we come to play.  The lack of transparency from the committee (and some of the acts on the list who are in the know) is the real sad part.  School is in session, yet no updates.  Once again, school is in session and Principal Metro is pissed.  If all the proceeds were donated as promised (with proof) I will dedicate an entire post getting the word out that they were.  If second hand instruments were donated (with proof) in lieu of actual money then I will need to see proof what happened to all the money from the "most successful HMF yet".  Otherwise, this is just going to get worse.  That's not a prediction, but rather, a spoiler.
Where is the money?  People more important than me are on high alert.  Until then, eat a flier.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Metro's Announcement!

We have a new logo!!!!!!!

Hey all, Metro here.  That's not really the big announcement, although the new logo is pretty rad, hip, and fab.  Came up with it myself!

What I am excited to say is that work has begun on the JCM Reunion/Resurrection Tour!

Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking: "You just played a Final Show last Friday."  Yes....we did, and yes, I understand you can only play that card once.  To be honest, during all the build-up and fliers, I really believed it would be the Final Show.  But then something happened. After playing for the first time in years and seeing how much fun the crowd had, the venue had, raising the money for a good cause, and how much fun the band had....that night I thought it would be premature to call it quits.  To anybody who came out specifically for that reason, I am sorry, and will reimburse your cover charge.  If you want to split hairs, it was our Final Show, of 2018.  C'mon, everybody thought Undertaker retired at WrestleMania 2 years ago, but with a blast of studio assisted lightning bolts, he's back.

The Reunion/Resurrection Tour is scheduled for early 2019.  This would give us ample time to practice once or twice, hammer out some new songs/covers, and drink. Heavily.  My goal is to do two shows, back to back, and I already have the dates set.  I tried to pick a weekend with nothing of importance going on, so the first show will be Friday March 8th at a venue in the metro Detroit area.  This will be a free show.  The next night, March 9th, we will be performing at a Hamtramck, MI venue not affiliated with the Hamtramck Music Festival.  This show will also be free.  However, there will be a $5 cover for anybody with a HMF wristband.  All money received will go directly to the Hamtramck Public Schools.  Like, the next week, directly.

The shows will be tough to promote with the Blog shutdown being this Oct. 8th, but I have some ideas.  You may think this stunt is just me lying/acting goofy regarding the 2019 shows, but I'm pretty serious.  Why would I waste the time to make these brand new fliers below? I said I would cover Labor Day Fest.  I did.  I said we would pull off the Final Show (of 2018).  We did. Now I'm saying this: HMF, #Run.  It should be a blast.  Lets all come together and raise Actual Money for the Hamtramck Public schools!  Which reminds me, unfortunately.....the kids from 2018 are still waiting on you crooked, hack geezers running that shit show.

The upcoming blog schedule is this: Thursday will be my preview of the music acts at this year's DIY Street Fair.
Weekend off, and next week will be the hard nosed expose of how it is near the end of September, school is in session, and everybody who donated their time, band, venue, and money have not heard a peep from the stand up guys from the HMF committee. It is mind boggling that it happened the first week of March and jack shit has been done aside from two posts, one being about a meeting with HMF that I already confirmed as fake.  Then a plea for second hand gear that was never followed up on. How are the sorry saps who "like" and "share" these hollow posts supposed to know what instruments have been nabbed already?  These people are awful and someday a real rain will come to wash them out of a city I grew up in and used to love.

Don't worry kids of Hamtramck, the JCM is coming in 2019, and we always back up our word (unless it has to do with Final Shows). And for the Hamtramck Music Fest committee, you could have easily been going left too.  And if that was the case it would have been a while before you started getting scared.  But since you're going the other way, I'm afraid you're going to have to start getting scared....immediately! Please reference the earlier paragraph where I kept saying "I did it".

And yes, if I do cover DIY Fair in person, I will photo blog it, and I will be sure to hide my nachos.  Eat some fliers instead.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Monday, September 17, 2018

Final Show Photo Blog

Hey all, Metro here.  I was going to make this a dual post with a crazy announcement, but I decided to separate the posts and just focus on the photo blog of the JCM Final Show at Simons this past Friday. I'll have the announcement post up Wednesday.

Anyway, here is not a prediction, but a spoiler: The Hamtramck Music Festival Committee Really...okay, one more time.....Really needs to be on alert.  You have a few days to get your act together and prove you gave music gear, or even better, money to the public schools.  And to all the bands who turn a blind eye to this bullshit and absolute corruption in exchange for playing the Fest, here is a head start for you to go fuckka yourselves.  I'll get more into that as well, but why focus on all the negatives around town, especially at the start of the week.  Lets focus on the show of the weekend!

We snapped a few pics at the show just to prove it really happened.  Everybody who showed up had a blast and we raised $125 for animal rescue, which we will be donating in a few days, not a few months.  And yes, I will be the first to post proof.  We actually raised $62 at the show, but we at the JCM are matching it which gets us to $125. And just today somebody who wasn't able to attend the show donated $25 to Downriver animal rescue in our name raising the tally to $150 and I may have another donation coming in which should raise the total to $175.  Now $175 might not seem like a lot but that is 17 Hamtramck Music Festival wristbands.  But more importantly it may help feed some creatures who are patiently waiting to find their forever homes.  That's the best part. I want to take a second to thank the crew at Simons for hosting the show, dealing with the complaints, and being good sports about everything.  Integrity at a local venue.  Well holy shit, color me surprised. Anyway, most of the now-silent negative commenters don't care about that, so lets get to the pics from the show!

We kept our word and protested our own show outside the venue.  Just like we kept our word and covered the Hamtramck Labor Day Fest.

I really wanted to stress during the protest that nobody reads this blog and that the unique site hits are the biggest since 2013.  Really big.  Fuckin huge.

Next up, we are really happy Lisa Joan showed up to protest the Final Show!

We were very excited that in addition to raising $175 for animal rescue, we also got four honks! And yes, we did pick up that bag on the sidewalk.  We're not total degenerates.

Here is rare footage of the Narcan Kits Variety Hour where many people won prizes for participation.  Many prizes.  Large amount of prizes, biggest amount of prizes given that day, which suspiciously all ended up back at the house after the show.

Here is an exclusive shot of our opening song.  I would show the crowd but I want to focus on the band. We were also excited that longtime member The Indian made it out to play keyboards.  Here is a rare pic of him from the show...

Here's just some random shots of the band performing at the not-cancelled show. And yes, we picked up that plastic bag off the stage.  We're not total douchebags.

One of the prizes for everybody who came out was a piece of me.  My hair.  Cut.  White meat, dark meat.  All cut.  (The hair ended up in the grass on Allen Rd. if anybody wants to retrieve it). That, we did forgot to pick up.  I'd like to think that a squirrel is currently using it to build its fall nest.

Here is official confirmation that somebody was actually in the crowd.  Not in the band.  Not a plant. Not excited to show the face, but that's a-okay

Here is a callback to Kimball's performance at the Labor Day Fest in case you want to compare the last pic with this one!

Here's a pic of me wasting everybody's time.

Two of the Original Three just doing what we need to do to have fun. (Trivia, its the only way we can cum).

The second pic got me reported and banned from FB for a day.  Once again, flipping off the White House from a generous distance is not #punkasfuk.  However, exposing local bullshit, the cliquey nature of the local music scene in the D, and staging a death scene on a public road kinda sorta is. The sex rope saw a lot of action that day.
Anyway, to close, here is Cheeto saying "Thank you" to everybody who came out and especially donated.

So that's it.  We did it.  The show was not cancelled despite all the calls for it.  Solly, no repeat of HamFest 2017 this time.  And to everybody who threatened physical harm, way to step it up.  However, I still have the title.  But I implore you to keep reading here because I have an early Christmas present coming very wery soon.  To everybody who came out, thank you so much and your donations will be donated very soon, once I get back from Ruth Chris'. KIDDING!  Totally kidding. See you this Wednesday (a non-stop orgy) for a super cool announcement.  Until then.... eat shot.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Saturday, September 15, 2018


*Update-  Ok, I'm just waking up, and am a little less salty.  I'm still disappointed at the lack of closet JCM fans who didn't come out last night, but I'm over it.  I will just be focusing on the positive.  I am very happy that everybody.....one more time.....everybody who came out had a good time, the bar hopefully made decent dollars in drink sales.  Given the people involved, I think they did.  Raised $125 for animal shelters that will be deposited (with proof) this weekend.  Today has been rough.  I'm still in bed next to a trash can (also on the bed), drinking.  Elizabeth First is still alive although she locked herself out of the house and slept in a garage.  Peter has located the potentially stolen laptop (whew!). Wang is fapping over fantasy football.  So, basically all is well, and I couldn't be happier.  I plan on doing a photo blog review of the event that will be posted Monday, along with a pretty big announcement. An announcement, that will send off a fleet of a thousand facepalms from the crooked Hamtramck elite.  Have I ever lied to you?

Oh shit.  An actual thank you from a band that played a show and had people come out for a non-fraud good cause??!!!!  Woodman has to be urinating in his leopard skinned diaper and the dude from 800 Beloved just lost 562 more hair follicles!

The original post from yesterday is below:

Hey all, Metro here.  I want to take this time to thank everybody who came out for the Final show Friday night.  I'd like to think that everybody who did come out had a good time.  I'm the realest guy in the room and I will say the turnout wasn't great at all.  It was 99% friends of the band. I spent 3 months plotting this and hoping to see acts that I have had their backs and supported only to go play a pop up Royal Oak BBq shitfest where they would draw the same as we did, except they have the caveat that the people would already be there because of the bbq.  You know who you are.  You fucking know who you are.

That doesn't even take into account the other local acts I have supported the past ten years who did not have any shows booked Friday and did nothing to come out, even for a hello.  You know who you are.  You fucking know who you are.

The next shout out is for the countless anonymous commenters who threatened violence at a JCM show.  You pussies had 3 fucking months and one giant bullseye.....and you did nothing.  Morgan, where was that "right hand"?  Pussy.  The anon commenter who said "I will take your head off".  Where were you.  I booked an event, showed up, and everybody else who did had a great time.

Here's the best part.  I waved the cover charge in lieu of donations for Lincoln Park animal rescue shelters.  The venue kept 100% of all monies, and we did strictly donations.  Here's the kicker.  The JCM will match what we got for the creatures.  We got around $62 in donations, so we are giving $125 to Lincoln Park animal rescue.  Everybody in the band made nothing from this.  Yet all you local hacks who hop on to a last minute show that doesn't move your needle and make nothing anyways can keep on keeping on.  Maybe take a weekend off and support a set that you aren't booked on to work on that karma thing.  Ah, whatever.

The main thing is that we did it.  Nobody did shit.  The venue was cracking up at the amount of pussmist out there.  The best part is I they will be getting me the messages complaining about the show, and they are open for a reunion tour.

As for the show, E First was the MVP.  She was antagonistic and a jerk to an audience that actually consisted of friends. Peter Frosh was solid and Wang had a really cool Bruce Lee wig.  I was the weakest link.  I just didn't amp it up when needed.  I actually think I sucked, but the rest of the band propped me up, and everybody had a good time.  We raised over 100 dollars for animal rescue, had a good time, everybody there had a good time.

With that out of the way....oh wait here is a screen grab of the cash going to Lincoln Park animal rescue....
A donation that will be made in four days, not SEVEN FUCKING MONTHS AND COUNTING from the pathetic Hamtramck Music Festival and their cash grab second hand scam.  By the way, this is not a prediction, but a spoiler.  I am coming for you next.  You fuckers said by mid September, and it's mid September.  Blog shut down is Oct. 8th and I will spend every day until then exposing you frauds.  Prove me wrong.

Now, I don't mind to be a braggart...but That is #punkasfuk.  We delivered Again.  Over and over and over and over like that song goes.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Thursday, September 13, 2018

The Happy Death Day Checklist

Hey all, Metro here.  Despite everybody's best efforts (including mine) to get the Final Show cancelled it appears that it is still on.  The venue has been very supportive throughout this and I want to take this time to sincerely thank them.  They actually posted/confirmed the show on their Facebook this morning, something they did not have to do.  I immediately had a panic attack.  After recovering I sat down and came up with the "Happy Death Day" show checklist.  I will include it here, but skip over it if you want to avoid spoilers about the show.

The Happy Death Day Checklist

- Allen Park Police Dept.: 313-386-7800 (Alternate- 911)
- Executioners mask
- T-shirts (2), cut, paint
- Dead baby
- Set List
- Envelope
- Scissors
- Extra guitar picks
- Milk and cookies + cups/napkins
- Ouija Board
- Index cards
- Book on STD's
- JCM Custom Shirt
- Blood
- Notebook
- A Question
- Laptop (for blogging)
- White makeup for -jr tribute
- Velour jacket
- Donation jars
- Poster board for animal rescue
- Noose/rope
- Cleaning products
- Tambourine

Whew, that's a real corker of a list innit?
So, that's about it.  The blog will probably go silent until Saturday so this is the last of the Final Push for the Final Show, finally. 

Just to recap.  The official show protest begins between 6 and 7 and 8.  The venue opens at 8 so you may be able to squeeze in without paying the $5 cover that will help Lincoln Park animal rescue.  If you decide to be cheap you damn well better buy lots of booze at the bar, and utilize the venue's full kitchen.  The venue really put its neck on the line booking this Final Show, no selling the people who ACTUALLY messaged them saying we would end up scamming them.  How does that even work?  I've never scammed anybody in my life and I don't socialize much with the Hamtramck Music Festival Committee so I haven't begun my training.

The opening act, The Narcan Kits go on between 9 and 9:30, and will feature music, prizes, contests, titties, more music, and an apology.

The second act, The Earwigs, will be performing around 10:30 and will be very drunk by then.  Remember, support the damn bar you knuckleheads.

The third act, Kimball, will be performing after.  I'm just kidding on that one.

The JCM will be performing their final set shortly after 11.  We have a 4 to 5 song setlist that was curated to please longtime fans, intrigue newbies and locals, and infuriate everybody else.  We promise two original songs, and two covers.  There may be more.  I haven't picked up a guitar in 3 years man.  The theme of the show is "The Death of the 60's".

Finally, once again, all money that would go to the band (if any) is going directly to Lincoln Park animal rescue.  We will also have donation jugs for additional donations beyond the $5 cover charge.  The Narcan Kits generously offered to include segments in their act for people to donate for prizes.

I am pretty positive that a show of this nature has never happened around here before, and probably never will again.  I really wish a few local acts would come out to see what a true trainwreck really looks like, but they won't because the only times local acts show up at shows is when they are booked on it.  So basically we are counting on the curiousity factor, downriver local's, the 2 or 3 fans of the band, the thousands of weekly Constant Readers, and the police.  I really mean it when I say I legitimately have no idea what is going to happen Friday, but it could be a letdown.  Or, a disaster.  Or the weirdest thing you've seen in weeks. Eat a flier.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro