Out now on Checkers Records Collective, the new LP by JCM, "The Fall of Bryan Metro".

Listen To This Now!!!!

Monday, January 15, 2018

Ben's Encore/HamFest Update......

*Update*-  Metro here with an update.  I have been accused in the comments and on FB as not getting the answers to the questions I am asking with HamFest, Ben's Encore, and UFO Factory.  To set those minds at ease I reached out to both the Fest and the charity for clarification on this matter.  Well hot dog, the Fest actually responded (Ben's predictably has not).  Since they did not invoke the "off the record" option this was the one sentence response: "All proceeds from HMF 2018 will go directly to the Hamtramck Schools Music & Arts programs.".
Am I the only person who thinks this makes matters worse?  They responded to my inquiry which took a total of 30 seconds but have yet to update any of their mission statements, or state exactly which schools this money is going to, or stress that after 4 years, the Hamtramck Music Festival is no longer tax deductible, and is no longer attached with any non-profits or non-profit wannabees.  So basically, let me spin it for ya.  All the bands and vendors and (I stress this) volunteers are all volunteering for an event that is not disclosing where "exactly" the "donations" are going to.  This is where we are at on this cold day in January Michigan.  I never aspired to shit on this parade, hell I played the first one, but these are questions that need to be addressed for everybody who has donated to the Fest for the past 4 years.  Spoiler alert:  They're on the ropes.

Metro here, and how the fuck did this fall through my cracks?

That was in November of 2017 and absolutely ZERO local "journalists" covered it nor anybody associated with the festival.  Why is that?  A local charity operating for years (that was exposed as fraudulent by me in 2017) suddenly severing ties with the festival that has funnelled money into it for those years.  Also, zero other local "journalists" bothered to even repost, and let's not get into the actual festival being silent..  So....where is the money sold from the four wristbands from the pathetic HamFest 2018 lineup going to? Which member of the fake committee is tasked with setting up another fake charity?  Where is the money from the non-band members/ +1's going to????

The Hamtramck Music Festival fake committee has to be the most inept, corrupt fuck-o's that I've ever encountered in my ten years in the local music scene. Last year, they caved in to a few whiners and had bands that would actually draw booted from the Fest, replacing them with acts nobody knows about.  The replacement acts drew nobody and all the money went to a "charity" I debunked in Feb. of 2017 as being an uncertified charity, the very same charity that said they are no longer affiliated with the Fest after 3+ years of siphoning money.

So what caused the change?  I'd love to post a selfie.  Why the mood swing?  Why has NOBODY commented on this?  Why haven't the HamFest geezers announced a new charity the funds will go to?  WAIIIIIIT.  I have a lead. The MIResonance group.  Its another "non-profit" group that supports mental illness/depression/suicide, but it is not a certified non-profit, just like Ben's Encore was not certified for 3 years.  It's a perfect fit.  HamFest that's a gift.
Back to the questions:  What is the level of facepalms with the HamFest committee realizing that none of this would have happened if they didn't boot JCM from the Fest because of some whiny bitch who disappeared, and went on social media proclaiming how happy she was to be out of Michigan.

Think about it.  Whiny bitch complains and JCM and others removed from the Fest.  Whiny bitch plays the show and zero shows after and moves to NY. Detroit gets played harder.
This is the best part..... If they never would have caved and removed bands, none of this would have happened. For years, the charity and Fest may or may not have funneled donations and once I pointed it out the sponsorship was ended.  Nothing to see here. Everybody laughed and made fun of Bryan Metro, but all they did was piss me off.  You made an enemy. And because of that the charity is "bye-bye". My advice for the Hamfest geezers is stay away from the status quo.  This year's fest is already a bust and it even hasn't happened yet.  But really, the figurehead charity severing ties just screams.........But hey, at least Kirk Brown is performing.

$50,000 claimed donated yet undocumented since 2015.  Nothing to see here.  Lets just walk away..

*Update* -  I have contacted both the Hamtramck Music Festival and the Ben's Encore charity in a professional manner requesting any comment on this.  In the year of 2018, things like this post, while mildly inflammatory, are the last remains of gonzo journalism, and I think I (along with both parties) owe it to you, the Constant Readers *


2018 Hamtramck Music Fest Pre-Preview

Hey all, Metro here.  Sooooooo, the 2018 Hamtramck Music Festival lineup has been released and ohhhhhhh boy, it's a barnburner.  Quite possibly the weakest local music festival lineup since I have been in operation (2007).  I have two previews one for today and one for later in the week.  After that you will not hear a peep from me (or anybody else) regarding this laughfest.  For this preview, I will go back to the old word association gimmick where I list the bands and say what comes first to my mind.
Just to keep perspective, in 2017 the JCM (and others) were booked for the Hamtramck Music Festival and were removed by the mystery committee of geezers because people started 2017'ing it (aka whining) thus costing the festival many eyes.  The list I am about to post of the acts booked is probably the safest, softest lineup I have ever seen with many playing last year, the year nobody went to.  After treading through my lineup/phrase association I want you to take a minute.  Sit down.  Grab a drink.  And ask yourself....how many casual music fans are going to pay for wristbands for this lineup?  This festival will be the culmination of bands with wristbands watching other bands. I have no idea who any of these acts are, and the ones I am familiar with are playing this weekend, or next weekend, or last weekend, or two weekend's ago, or 2011.  Okay let's get to the 2018 lineup!!!!!!!!

002-  Last year 006 played.  Same band? a joke? Anybody care?

Abul on Fire- Played in 2017 and not since

Act Casual- Who?

Alise King- Who?

All the Wild Children- Not familiar but based on the name, possibly Lee's new favorite band.

Ancient Language- Who?

Anthony Retka- Name rings a bell but I'm not searching my Facebook for it.

Asklepius- Who?.....on steroids

Bad Medicine- Who?

Bangla School of Music- Always check out when I see "school of" anything

Banjolectric- Played in 2017.  Nobody cared since.

BAVE- Who?

Ben Keeler Band- Who?

Betsy Soukup- Who?

Bevlove- Betsy Soukup?

Bison Machine- Name rings a bell, but still who?

Black Shampoo- Played in 2017 leading to the launch of......nothing

Black Tie Circus- Who?

The Blueflowers- Who?

Blue Pontiac- Who?

Bogart- Who?

Border Patrol- Who?

Brian McCarty & the Big Bad Beat- Who?

Brother Son- Who?

Bruce Farrell- Who?

Bubak- What?

Carmel Liburdi- Who?

Cash O’Riley- Who?

The Cheetahs- Who?

Cosmic Light Shapes- Played at every HamFest hmmmmm. Ahhhhhhhh cracking up.  Eugene Strobe playing the same set for the same people for the past 8 years is not going to nab those reclusive casual fan wristbands.  At this point might as well team up with Gabe Bad Dye Jobson for a package deal with Old Empire.

Craig Brown Band-Played in 2017.  The Third Man Record local "experiment" that fell on its face.  2018, more of the samezzzzzzzz

Crashing Cairo- Top 3 title holder in best, well thought out comments of the Lavender blog's 11 year history. Who? Well if you're familiar like me, they have a show coming up in a week or so at the Magic Bag in case you didn't want to subject yourself to the geezers at the HMF

The Creepos- Played in 2017.  Still a who?

Crune- Who?

Cye Pie & Ya Homies- Who?

Dear Darkness-  Ugh.....played 2017.  Insufferable, humorless headcases.  Betting more time will be spent between songs lecturing people than actual music.

Detroit 442- Who?

Discipline- Who?

Doctor Pizza- Supposedly played in 2017 yet I stll have no idea who they are.  Must know a booker (and draw zero)

Doctor Wolf- Another Doctor.  Another who?

Drinkard Sisters- Played in 2017.  If I'm not mistaken they are Chad Brown's backups.  Should be called the Pass Sisters.
Dr Mindbender- Another Doctor, another pass/who?

The Dropout- Played 2017.  Who?

Dude- Who?  Is this the act getting pushed down everybody's throats but isn't catching on not named Craig Brown Band?

Duende!-  Good guys, great band, spineless.

Earth Engine- Played 2017.  Still stupid

Electric Huldra- Lol....who?

Emilie Rivard- Oh yeah....no.....who?

Emma Guzman- Who?

Eroders- Played 2017.  Vegas bets have them at Lee's venue.

Ex American-  Who?

Five Pound Snap- Who?

Fizzbang- Who?

The Flipsters- Who?

Francis DeCarlo- Who?

Frank Woodman-  Weird seeing this and not the Caveman moniker.  I'm just guessing they just copy and pasted the applications.  More on this later.

Funkwagon- Who?

Futile Empire- Who?  Is this an Old Empire mirror band?

The Garden Party- Who?

Girl Fight- Who?

Glasfabrik- Okay, what the actual fuck at this point?

Golden Torso- Played in 2017.  Bunch of pussies.

Go Tiger Go- Played in 2017, still who?

The Gruesome Twosome- Played in 2017, still who?

Hala- Who?

Heartbreak Dallas & the Unfaithfuls- Who?

High Totals- Who?

Honeybabe- Played in 2017....still who?

The Idiot Kids- Played in 2017.  Lee's favorite band name ever.

The Imaginatron-  Played in 2017.  Rounding up yarn from 2010.

Jenny & Jackie- Who?  That'll pack em in.

Jheremie Jacque- Played in 2017.  Like Woodman its weird its the real name and not Zombie Jesus.

Jibs Brown & the Jambros- Who?  I have J slim on Line 1!

Johnny Salvage & the Dregs- Played 2017....still who?

Josef Coney Island- Who to the who?

Jo Serrapere & John Devine- Who?

JP from the HP- Played in 2017.  Seen the name around.  Still nobody knows

J. Walker & the Crossguards- Who?

Kate Hinote- Played in 2017.  Still, who?

Kelly Zullo & the Invisible Circus- Who?

Krillin- Who?

Kubat, Finlay & Rose- Played in 2017.  Still not off the ground.

Ladyship Warship- Who?

Lagerheads- Who?

Large Extra Large- Who?

Little Traps- Who?

Lizerrd- Who?

Mango Lane- Played in 2017; still sucks.

Matt Jones- Who? Next pitcher for the Tigers?

Mexican Knives- Another 2017 pass.

Mike Galbraith- Who?

Minihorse- Who?

Moonwalks- Played 2017, still who?

The My Ways- Who?

Nadir Omowale- Who?

Nancy Negative- Hahahahaha just kidding!

Nick Schillace-  Played in 2017; still works at Subway.

Nina & the Buffalo Riders- 2017 "I don't know who this is hall of fame"

Nique Love Rhodes & the NLR Experience- tl;dr, also who?

Old Man-  Or is this the Old Empire mirror? Still pass.

Pet Psychic- Who?

Pewter Cub- Same band since 2010, who?

Picnic- Who?

Piffle- Played in 2017, who? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME?

The Pontiac Stags- Who?

Post Imperial Jazz Band- Ugh another __________ band. Pass

Primitiv Parts- Who?

Prude Boys- Played in 2017.  Lee's least favorite band name.

*Special note*  No Queen Kwong in this spot because they have already split town, just like I called they would last year after the geezers at the HamFest committee caved in to her complaints. Ya geezers got played. And we are almost done with the preview and I don't have a single act I would pay for a wristband for because if I cared I'd catch them this weekend, or last.  There is an absolute zero main draw.....well aside from me, and the publicity I would draw.....even if it is negative, a JCM set would draw more than 98% of these acts.  Poor business management; Detroit Pusses Harder.

And here's the catch.  I'm not even posting the names of the remaining bands.  Blame it on Queen Qwont and the pussies who book this "fest" and its no longer a fest because it will bomb and will be the same geezers playing for the same geezers and nobodies playing for empty venues. And blame it on Trump because everybody has to be on their best behavior these days.  But I dare anybody to come up with a better HamFest bill than Jesus Chainsaw and White Shag in the same venue (fyi, I am not associated with White Shag.  Just latching on because they have been fucked the past year too). But I guess everybody is fine with the same same same, the 236'th Duende/Woodman show of the year. You know for as much as I rag on them, the Metro Times had the best idea for the last year of Blowout.  They knew it was the last year and after the acts were announced they said fuck it and contacted me asking to play, no actually headline, on the last day.  I agreed, and two days before, I was contacted again with the news that all the acts booked at our site have cancelled and that I could book anybody I wanted.  Two days notice.  First thought was this was a set up from the get-go.  Second thought was to have JCM play all 4 sets.  Third thought was to contact people who weren't booked, and often overlooked by the geezers, to have them play.  I went with door #3.  I wanted to get exposure for the other acts because I knew, as JCM, we would have a crowd.  That's the whole point of this innit?  Everything nowadays is so goddamn safe.  Even the "punk icon" geezer who slings drinks at Kelly's Bar is too safe. Safe Safe Safe.  There's no danger anymore.  I'm not saying every band/artist has to be "dangerous", but usually the most memorable ones are the ones that test the boundaries of "safe": Brando, Orson, Iggy, Lynch. Now I'm not comparing JCM to the Stooges (kisses to out of state friend), but none of these acts jump off the page saying YOU NEED TO BUY A WRISTBAND.  Some may be new, but I've made the mistake of googling every act at a fest before, and it's all the same.  Safe. And how many of these acts advertised are actually going to promote their set and the Fest aside from a shitty Facebook link?  Bonus game:  A drinking game!  Do a shot every time a "local journalist" promotes the Chad Brown Band as a selling point for the Fest, and parlay that shot with another shot for the obligatory Third Man Records mention because nobody knows who the Chatch Brown Band actually is so they have to mention a record label to sell a band. Isn't that supposed to be the other way around? Time to get drunk.  But remember.....be SAFE.
Also, no mention of the non profit...one sec.......okay.....non profit Ben's Encore charity yet.  Did they finally realize nobody is buying a wristband for this snoozefest?

Tell me I'm wrong....
Bryan Metro

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

The UFO Factory Situation-Now With Response!


* UPDATE* Metro back. Okay so it took me about 12 hours to get a statement from the UFO Factory that should have been posted on their Facebook page at the very least, months ago so everyone who contributed to their process could be kept in the loop.  In all interests of fairness I will post it here including the various insults towards me, and then post a response.  In the interest of fairness I have kept the original article in its entirety after this update below. 

UFO Response- "OMG! (That means OH MY GOD it’s an acronym that the kids use on the line) —- the level of ineptitude and confusion as it relates to very basic reality is shocking - so much so that l can’t believe l find myself responding! Here goes: 1. ALL the money received from gofundme etc was fairly distributed among the employees that lost their jobs - so yes the above ufo employee benefited from the ufo EMPLOYEE BENEFIT! Shocker! ( I’m guessing she’d prefer her full time employment as a manger in a relaxed forward thinking arts focused workplace - to a temporary short lived payout???) 2. We haven’t received ANY Insurance money! All the insurance money will go directly to rebuild over 1/3 of the entire building... 3. The ufo factory does not make more $$$ closed than when open - in fact since the August closing we are currently making ZERO MONEY! 4. That other grant that you “uncovered” is very public info and the process was started before the incident - it relates to a completely different renovation project - not rebuilding. 5. No reopening date has been announced because there Isn’t one yet - crazy! l promise you’ll be the last know... and yes you win - if winning equals me spending 3 minutes on the Facebook responding to an ill informed super smart very stable internet troll - 😻 congrats you have cracked the case wide open! (Also l recommend doing an internet search on the terms journalism, defamation/libel , and said/say) - thanks!

Super basic. Most folks know how insurance works, what an employee benefit is, and that business’ announce reopening dates when they have that info (business’ like their customers to visit their establishments that how capitalism works!) - and yes you win again! Every time a rational person responds to you an internet troll gets its wings 

Metro's response- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.  Metro is woken up by secretary Jean. Response-
Okay, so the entire purpose of the post below was not to make accusations but rather to raise questions as to where all the money that has been funneled into the UFO Factory since August 2017 has gone because after the initial outpouring of support at that time....well, the story kind of went away as the money kept coming in.  That's all.  If they made any extra cash, more power to them. "Capitalism" I think they called it. I just wanted the people who donated their hard earned money to know where the money was going, and up until today, UFO Factory made zero comment and minimal thanks about any of it.  Oh yeah, "internet troll, live in parents' basement", I get those easy, lazy jabs all the time, but look at that spiel above.  He said it took three minutes to write. Yet before this week it had been six months since any comment.  You're welcome. And as a bonus, allow me to reply publicly to his talking points above....
1. I'm glad that ALL (in caps, compensating much?) monies went to the staff, as it should have.  I'll take your word for it though. Also, "full time employment as a manger in a relaxed forward thinking arts focused workplace" sounds like the most insufferable job in the world.  Now see!  That's me being a troll.  Me asking where all the money is going is not a troll. Educate yourself (just not in a relaxed forward thinking arts blah blah work blah"
2.  Six months and no insurance money?  Maybe look into a new provider. It's good that all of the money will go to rebuilding 1/3 of the building.  I'll take your word for it as I am a Nice Guy.
3.  "We are making zero money since August."  Let me correct that for you-"We have a had a successful GoFundMe, Insurance payout, and a grant issued since August.  But no money."
4.  That other grant I "uncovered" was indeed public info because it was public info.  And so this is for a completely different renovation project.  Cool.  I'll take your word on it.  Weird that zero statements have been made what that completely separate renovation project is.  But yeah, I guess nothing to see here.  Just asking the questions, leaving it up to the public to make their opinions.
5.  I can understand the no re-open date because there isn't one.  I recommend doing an internet search on the term "timetable" because if you don't have one after six fucking months then people like me start asking questions like this and it gets under your skin really really quick at 8 in the morning.
So, in conclusion, I am not trying to be a troll.  I'm just asking the questions nobody has asked, and until today, nobody has fucking answered.  No defamation or libel.  I didn't say that the damage to the building was orchestrated or anything preposterous like that.  I just like to look out for the little people who give their money and make sure it is used properly. So go ahead and post another youtube clip.

*Original Post*

Hey all, Metro here.  Now this isn't exactly my "February Surprise" because it's not quite February and the two pieces I have ready to roll are not related, although they share the same DNA.  I know that makes zero sense but it makes for a great segue to today's piece....

First off, I want everyone to take what I am about to type at Face Value, and give the benefit of doubt that it is true.  This past year the UFO Factory in Corktown was severely damaged by a construction crew and had to close, putting its employees out of work.  This galvanized the community and a GoFundMe was immediately set up that exceeded its goal, a goal that was matched by the construction crew.  There were numerous benefit shows at other local venues with all the profits going to the UFO Factory.  There was a vague promise of a re-launch in 2018 but with no timeline. And now there's this- a grant going towards building renovation.Youtube-Patti Smith-Free Money
At face value, that's a pretty darn good happy ending....

Now, lets slide down the surface of things........

If you read this site you'll know that I am quite cynical, and even untrusting, by nature.  You will also know that I am the only real journalist in this city.  I'm not a Jeff Milo who just regurgitates press releases only with a thesaurus.  I'm not even a Melody who was to stay within the lines due to her job.  That's not journalism.  That's reporting.  I got into a conversation this week with a friend about journalism vs. reporting.  Journalism asks the questions and reporting, well, reports. Well, as the only local journalist with the guts around town, I happen to have a few questions about this UFO Club Situation....

Lets start with the easiest and most obvious:  Where is all this money actually going?
To recap- A GoFundMe that exceeded its goal AND was matched by the construction crew.  Check!
-Numerous benefit shows with "all profits going to the UFO Club".  Check!
-Just announced (link above) that a grant was awarded for renovations.  Check!
-Okay, let me get cerebral for a second: And what about the insurance payout because of the damages. A business in a big time city has to be insured right?  Ahhh let's toss in another check literally and figuratively. Check!

Anyway, I got off track ranting about things nobody here really cares about, fucking facts, and for that I apologize.  Lets get back to the original question. Where has all this money gone?  What I just listed (actual amounts left out due to respect for the business and what I'm working on with the IRS) was a whole lot of money.  A lot of money.  Big money for a local business that struggled to turn a profit when it was open.  Okay, that may be me being cynical again, but it really was a good segway (that's for the grammar police)-

The fact is, the UFO Factory has made more money being closed than when it was open.  There, I said it.  Its the elephant in the room that nobody who covers local news or contributes to fraud Kickstarters wants to address. "Oh, it's terrible what happened." "Oh, the show of support is amazing", "How can I help?", "It will be back!".  All quotes from casual followers in the dark.  You know where I can't find any quotes from?  The actual fucking business, the UFO Factory.  Aside from a post saying they'll be back in 2018, it has just been generic youtube music video clips and links to Third Man Records' releases that nobody ended up buying.

The last paragraph may have come off as catty, but I'm just sick and tired of people, working class people, being taken advantage of around here. Everybody looking for a hand out.  If you disagree with what I write, so be it, but you most likely have me on your side anyways. Lets all take a minute to focus on the complete lack of transparency from the UFO crew regarding any of this as to where this money is going.  Certainly, those that donated their hard earned money to this "bust out" deserve to know where their money is going...

Recap #2- Yes, the grant is for building renovations.  Okay, cool.  So where did the insurance payout go?
-Yes, the GoFundMe was to benefit employees who were out of a job.  Okay, cool.  I lost my job before.  Hell, you want me to lost a job, I'll lose you a job by 3 o'clock.  Fact is, I got another job in my same industry.  I feel for employees who were affected by the bust out but the service industry bounces back quick.
-I don't even want to get into the tax implications of all the various means to funnel money to the UFO Factory, but I promise that I am looking into it.  Just wanted to plant that seed in your heads.
-Back to the insurance payout.  How does that affect the grant payout?  No worries, looking into it.
-Finally, I promise not to refer to the vacation management took after the accident/gofundme.  Ahhh GODDAMMIT.

So that's it.  Go ahead and cut out the entire middle part and like I said at the beginning and take it at face value, and everything that happened was true.  So congrats to the UFO Factory and their yet to be announced re-opening of 2018.  Ahhhh fuck it.  Transparency fuck-o's.  There are still a few left that see through the bullshit of all this.  And if I'm wrong and they can prove it, I still win because I got them off their asses and made them say where the money went.

And spoiler alert-  Anybody who wants to take the bet that Jett Plastic Records doesn't get the next grant/Kresge, get your head out of your ass.  The fix is in.  Sheefy McFly is gonna be PISSED!

There I said it, from the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

First Post of 2018!!! A Review!!!

Hey all, Metro here for the VERY FIRST LAVENDER BLOG POST OF THE NEW YEAR, 2018!  Whoa, whoa, whoa.....it's not that earth shattering, so the Strobe's, Asia Mock's, and Seraphine's of the world can exhale and get back to whacking off at Oprah's Golden Globes speech.  Quick tangent! (I know, its only two sentences in), but if Oprah is serious about a presidential run, she made the same mistake that I did last year regarding the Hamtramck Music Festival charity who I discovered had their tax exempt status revoked due to laziness/corruption.  That mistake was me revealing the information too soon, allowing Goofy Ben's Encore way too much time to correct it. And Oprah gave way too much time for people to make meme's like this:
I have something special already in the can for 2018 regarding a local band but I will not make the same mistake.  Curb your opioid addictions and wait till February.

Okay, tangent over! The first post of the year is my review of New Year's Eve at El Club.  I had a VIP Meet and Greet ticket for the Sky Ferreira show.  Those that follow the buzzards on Facebook know that Sky is Just My Type: A broken soul, most likely into drugs, and at times looks like an underage boy.  Oh dear lord, I just described Lee Majors.  Time for a coin flip. Heads= I hang myself, Tails= Finish the post.  One sec........

Okay, so it was tails; back to the review. So I had VIP/Meet and Greet credentials for the Sky Ferreira show at El Club on New Year's Eve. What a clusterfuck!  Leading up to the show they must have switched whoever runs their social media to somebody who couldn't afford Brooklyn, or whoever runs the Wendy's twitter. Trying so hard to be rude (I would know), clever, and hip, but failing at all of them. Repeat requests for set times from people on the event page were dismissed and the set times were eventually posted but with question marks instead of the acts with the flippant comment "Its not that hard to figure out".  This after only two acts were announced. I guess they pulled the same shit for their Thanksgiving show. El Club, come here....it's not funny, cool, or hip.  At least with Woodman or Duende you know exactly where they will be and at what time seven days a week.  Because they play seven shows a week....

So show time. I use my VIP credentials to get out of the freezing cold and am greeted by the coat check girl.  I check my coat ($4 + tip) and proceed to the VIP line.  This is when I was informed that only one item will be signed as opposed to the two items advertised on the El Club website.  So I make the crucial decision to go with the (already autographed) Bryan Metro Hamtramck Music Fest 2014 custom shirt and stuff her Playboy mag cover issue into my pants (Its seen worse).

   Next complaint was that my advocate had to wait outside in the freezing cold even though the event page promised everybody could enter.  I spoke with multiple people in the VIP line who experienced similar situations.  The Meet and Greet was great.  Sky was a peach and I like to think we shared a subconscious moment that I revisited that night while in bed.  She was a little taken aback by the shirt, "Did you make this?", Me, "No, it was Elizabeth First", and she said "Oh" while motioning to security.

  After being removed from the VIP area I made my way to the bar to meet with my frostbitten advocate Jean. While waiting an excruciating time for a drink, I made the observation that Craig Brown is working the bar.  After two minutes of cracking up that 2018 has started early and Third Man Records couldn't even get any takers for his band on New Year's Eve and the poor dude is slinging drinks in Mexicantown, I composed myself and noted that he's not even really bartending.  Also of the note, the "passes" from the band were nowhere in sight.  He was behind the bar but was spending all of his time talking with people at the corner and ignoring the bar lines that got to three people deep to be served.  Looks like his service skills equal his music ones...

   After ordering two drinks from the bartender having to do double duty because Chad Brown is lazy as fuck talking to people about his failed "push" from Third Man, I finally calmed down and surveyed the crowd.  The venue was packed and a chill ran over me when I realized that I was the only heterosexual male in the building.  At first I was encouraged, but then dejected.  It was ten o'clock pm, three hours before my girl Sky even goes on, and I was confident that it would be impossible for me to be around this crowd for three more hours.  Don't misinterpret that; it has nothing to do with sexual orientation, but it was insufferable, like somebody chartered a bus from The Bang! in Ypsi to Detroit.

"We have to go," I say to my advocate two hours before midnight and 15 minutes after misplacing my numbered coat check ticket ($4 + tip). I am dumped off at the coat check area to see a pile of coats like one would see at a holiday get-together in the guest room.  "Go ahead," the girl says as I begin to dig my way through this mess of coats.  For the record, I could have stolen so many personal belongings and car keys but because it was the holiday I declined, but for El Club to leave a borderline drunk sociopath with full access, unobserved, to a coat check is very toxic.  It gave me a flashback to when the QQQ core was in New York and I noticed that somebody left their purse and of course I started rummaging through it and they came back in and caught me.  All I could say way, "I'm sorry, I was trying to rob you."  She was really cool about it and said, "At least you're honest."  I did no such thing at NYE at El Club despite the terrible management and treatment of patrons. And to quote "Less Than Zero", I had a blast at the house with the M.A.D. cats.......After I left.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Friday, December 1, 2017

JCM Mittenfest Update

Just received word from Mittenfest.  Oh man the preview for this one will be a doozy after seeing the acts (??) that are playing....

Mittenfest-Hello and thank you for applying to Mittenfest XII! I'm sorry to say your band was not one of the ones selected for this year's lineup. We had about 80 applications and only 21 spots, and it was tough to narrow down. But please apply again next year- we really enjoyed listening to and reading everyone's submissions and appreciate so much that you care enough to take the time and effort to let us know about who you are and what you do. 

Thanks so much for your support of 826 Michigan and for this fundraiser and we hope to see you at the show!

Warmest holiday regards,
Team Mittenfest 
Metro-  You'll regret it..  From the Iceman Commeth
From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro 

Monday, November 20, 2017

JCM's Hamtramck Music Fest 2018 Application!!

Hey all Metro here.  Welp, even though the holiday season isn't quiiiiiite here yer, I did get one of the best gifts of the year.  The application for the 2018 Hamtramck Music Fest is up and running.  I would post the link here, but that would diminish my probability of being accepted for the 2nd year in a row.  I will post a copy of my application here for full disclosure and submit it later this week (waiting on contact info from new members since everybody retired/was fired/quit).  So, Constant Readers, you get the first peek at the app, even before the HMF committee who is not corrupt at all.  In no way. Zero issues.  Great crew.  Lets go!

Performer/band name *

This is how you will be promoted - please make sure that the spelling is correct before submitting!- Bryan Metro's Jesus Chainsaw Massacre

Genre *

5 words maximum- Slop Fuzz

Please provide a link to your music, ie. Bandcamp, SoundCloud, YouTube, etc.- https://soundcloud.com/jesus-chainsaw-massacre/dressed-to-get-screwed-party

Please provide a link to band photograph-

Please list first and last names of the members of your band and the instruments they play *
- Bryan Metro- Vox, Arthur Heath- Guitar, Elizabeth First- Percussion

Contact information *

Please provide the contact information of two (2) of your band members, including their names, telephone numbers, and email - You need a platinum subscription for that. HMF will get it though.
Bryan Metro
Elizabeth First

Short bio *

50 words maximum - The JCM took the local scene by storm by being the first act to be kicked off 2017's HMF.  Metro then revealed that the Ben's Encore charity did not file proper tax papers for over three years.  When not exposing local corruption, the band plays music.

If you are submitting at the direct request of an HMF booker, please provide their name and the venue they are booking- Hahahahahahahaha.....no. Especially if they want to remain a booker/venue.

Would you be open to playing a daytime set on either Friday, March 2nd or Saturday, March 3rd? *- Like I give a fuck.

Does your band share members with any other band who may be submitting to play at HMF? If so, please list them below - Thank god no.

Did you perform at last year's HMF? If so, which venue? - We were booked at the PLAV #6 for the Saturday Main Event slot until we were removed after Queen Kwong whined, and the HMF committee caved and removed us (the vote was not unanimous bitch).  Post Fest recap:  Queen Kwong has yet to perform another show in Michigan and has actually relocated to New York (after bitching about Michigan on social media), and the band that replaced us, Red Rose, is still a mystery.  Does anybody know who this is?  Did they even play?  Did anybody attend? Have they played a show since?  All decent questions that will never be answered of course because everything is okie dokie. Hamtramck....THIS is your committee!

Would you be willing to help with items to comprise a back line for the night of your performance? If so, list the volunteered items below - That's not my wheelhouse.  I guess so.

*  I'll leave out the FB and website links because you're already reading them.*

Please inform us of any special requests, comments, or needs
This can include, but is not limited to: sound and/or performance needs, or any other information we should know about you - Due to the controversy surrounding last year's HMF, I, Bryan Metro, have removed any further controversy within the band lineup.  They have all been fired, or most likely quit, and I am starting from scratch.  The Asian bass player was fired because he was Asian (and yellow to boot), Peter the Freshman quit because he is Jewish and the HMF does not pay well.  The drummer Suck was sacked because he was anti-semitic.  The lead guitarist was fired for possibly being gay.  I could not confirm, but if somebody says something then it must be true right?  However, the new guitarist, Arthur, identifies as transgender and wishes that this fact does not disqualify him from the Fest and does not want it to affect this submission. Arthur thinks that the transgender demographic would be wonderful for the local music scene, and could really use a figurehead.  To not accept a band because they have a transgender member would be so not 2017.  Finally, as the spokesperson of the band I have these last few requests:  I would not like to be booked at a venue booked by Lee Majors or Josh Woodcuck as they are out of my demographic.  Please keep me away from Gabe "Bad Dye Job" Doofsun because I do not wish to socialize with anybody who has sexually harassed women.  Please do not book me at Kelly's because I do not want my FB timeline flooded with lazy, pandering posts begging people to go there.  I can do that on my own.  And, please do not book me at Smalls.  In addition to hosting the criminal Electric Six cash grab next year, they are also the only venue who books Her Dark Host (wonder why) and I prefer to stay up past midnight and not be bored by a Danzig wannabee (and who would want to be that anyways?) Spoiler alert: a 41 year old.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro