We have just received our first shipment of Sadie Hip in Detroit Halloween costumes. If you are interested in being the most uninformed sycophant freeloader in the local music scene then don't waste another minute. Throw out you spell check and send your credit card information to my e-mail and you will definitely be the PASS of the party!!! Act now. Supplies are limited
“No, no, no,
maybe, fat, yes, yes, pass, black, no, yes, YES, swipe!”
Scott and I are browsing my Tinder account and he is
attempting to coach me on who to swipe and who not to swipe. Whoever I swipe right (a “yes”) automatically
gets a message from me consisting of “Hunka Chunka” which is our code for “fuck
city baby,” but very few of my catches realize this since this slang is only
used by myself, Trent, Amy, Scott, Matt, and Oakley in jest and this slang is
only heard at U.S. Clean Zone #146 aka the House by the Beach.
A gunshot shakes us from our medicinal stupor and Oakley
yells from the west end sentry point “Got another one! Poor bastard didn’t see it coming.” The west, south, and east sentry points were
constructed to ensure that none of the infected breached the recently
constructed walls around the House by the Beach (the north side is pretty much
unbreachable due to the flaming moat that Trent dug on a week long coke binge
before cooler heads prevailed and we decided to build the walls instead….. well
we didn’t build them, of course, but rather had the grounds crew do it for
us. The grounds crew was then executed
due to Clean Zone #146 protocol).
It has been around two months since most of civilization was
eliminated due to the Ebola epidemic and everyone at the U.S. Clean Zone #146
House by the Beach is starting to get restless, wants to get their fuck-on, and
unfortunately Amy is pretty useless in times of duress. That is why we have all downloaded the Tinder
App in an effort to fuck…. I mean reconnect with the outside world. Most of our accounts have yielded zero
results but we continue to try; to repopulate.
Actually, last week Scott found a suitable match, a real babe, a total
hardbody, but after going through U.S. Clean Zone #146 House by the Beach’s
extensive screening/cleansing process she was accidentally gunned down by
Oakley as she approached the East gate.
Oakley has become trigger-happy and this is something that will have to
be addressed sooner or later.
A buzzer sounds on our laptops (we all have one now, one of
Matt’s few good ideas) and we all pick them up as this is usually a
notification of an incoming message from Trent.
It is a beautiful day out on the west coast and Amy, Scott, Matt, and
myself are all laying out by the pool.
Another shot rings out.
“Got another one,”
I click on the audio message from Trent as everyone else
does. After a too-long decoding process
the message plays and in an eerie, robotic voice Trent says, “Oakley has become
trigger-happy and this is something that will have to be addressed sooner or
Trent is also at the pool.
However, he is laying on an inner tube in the middle of the pool wearing
the communal Hazmat suit and can only communicate via the electronic voice
system installed by Matt’s dad (who was then executed due to Clean Zone #146
protocol). This week is Trent’s week to
use the communal Hazmat suit and he is attempting to sun himself in it, laying
in a circular inflatable inner tube with a Hemingway novel that he is
pretending to read in one hand and a Barrett REC7 automatic rifle in the other.
I look down to see that somebody actually responded to one
of my Tinder “Hunka Chunka” messages.
Hmmmmmm….. She’s not exactly a “yes” but not exactly a “no”. She’s a “maybe”, but as the days go on more
and more “no’s” become maybes and more and more “maybe’s” become “yes’s”. This "maybe" is named Ingrid and I quickly
message her, inviting her to a pre-date medical screening which is standard
procedure here at U.S. Clean Zone #146 House by the Beach which would then be
followed by dinner and then fuck town.
She agrees and I give her the coordinates to our location (addresses are
no longer used) to meet tonight at 8.
A military helicopter approaches from the east and we all
receive an audio message from Hazmat Trent saying, ominously, “Take no chances”. Oakley lets out a giant “Whoop” and promptly
shoots down the helicopter with a M26 rocket launcher. This happens at least once a week.
As 8 o’clock approaches I make my way through the secure
tunnel from the House by the Beach to the recently constructed quarantine annex
where I will meet my date, Ingrid, who by this time is going through the
medical screening portion of the date by Amy.
After that, we will have our interview, then hopefully dinner (Matt
makes a lovely filet mignon), then hopefully….
I am wearing the communal Hazmat suit (obviously) and Trent
has relocated to the Control Room (he doesn’t really come out that much anymore
if it’s not his Hazmat week). Ingrid
enters the sanitized white room and she looks just like her profile: 5’8”, 140
lbs, blonde hair, blue eyes, a total Teutonic babe. After making an obligatory master race joke
we get into the interview process of the date.
Me-“Have you been in contact with anyone with the demon seed
Ebola? Also, very nice to meet you.”
Me-“Have many people have you slept with in the past year,
Me-“Have they been in contact with anyone with the demon
Her-“I don’t know. I’m
An annoyed glance from me, then we continue.
Me-“Are you willing to relocate to the U.S. Clean Zone #146
Her-“I suppose so.
You’re kinda cute.”
Me-“How do you like your filet mignon cooked?”
At this moment the overhead speaker system springs to life
and in a blur Amy’s voice booms in.
“Metro, she tested
positive. She’s ruined. Commence proper measures.”
I slam the button which triggers the 2000 volts of
electricity wired to her chair but she is up before the chair goes live and
runs past me into the tunnel. I (slowly)
try to keep up with her but she gets out onto the grounds (thankfully she didn’t
choose the tunnel into the House by the Beach.
I can only deal with so many fires).
I follow her into the front yard and see that Amy has taken the South
tower, and Scott the East, and Matt the West tower, and I assume that Oakley is
suiting up for ground warfare. Trent’s
voice booms over the intercoms (installed by the good folks at Entech Sales who
were then executed), “She is heading north on the grounds; north on the
grounds.” He sounds orgasmic.
I rid myself of the Hazmat suit as Trent’s voice blares “Stay
in the suit Metro. Stay in the suit!”
and I give chase. I eventually catch her
as she is looking for a way to cross the flaming moat.
“Ingrid,” I shout, “We
can help you!”
treatment I can be saved, Bryan. And
then we can be together.”
“That is what I
want, Ingrid. A new beginning.”
“Can you help me?”
“Yes, I think we
I use the 12 foot branch that I had picked up on the way to
nudge her into the flaming moat and turn around and walk back to Clean Zone #146
House by the Beach. I don’t even hear
Two days later (after my comprehensive scrub and medical
tests) we are all laying out by the pool again.
“Yes, no, no,
maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, yes, maybe,” somebody is saying
but I don’t know who. WHO. The audio buzzer from Trent’s control chamber
goes off (It is Scott’s turn for the communal Hazmat suit this week),
“I told you a
flaming moat was a fucking good idea…”
It's the eve of the first day of October and I'm waivering on whether or not I'm going to do the daily movie review. Noone cares except our sycophants. I take a look at Facebook for the first time in a long time. The self promotion monsters that are my friends disgust me. Noone cares except our sycophants. What is the point of creating all this music, media, and art? If fame is the game we're in the wrong city. If it's an ego boost, doesn't that get old after a certain age or after the 800th performance to a room with maybe 20 people you are directly or Inderectly acquainted with? All the back patting and ass kissing is just a giant suckfest that makes me shudder whenever witnessed. The only time we made a worthwhile monetary return was when we knew nobody, hated everybody, and mercilessly preached our opinion on this inconsequential purple blog with yellow arial font. Hip in detroit is just the worst. Anyone that says otherwise is full of shit. The new metro times double wide is pretty close in suckitude. Everything is shit. Everything is an upvote on reddit, a like on Facebook, a repost on tumblr. Everyone wants the reacharound but they don't want to take it up the ass to get there. I hate all of you. Your music is subpar if not unlistenable. You can hardly frame a complete sentence. I'm not saying we're any better. The human centipede of ass kissing is pathetic. But hey, noone cares except our sycophants.
Well, its that time of year. -jr and Bryan Metro will be celebrating their birthdays a few days apart from each other. And since this year in music has been so disappointing with Blowout flopping and no other real festivals of note we have decided to have 2 birthday shows. It appears that the trend is to have self-indulgent birthday shows in your "honor" with all of your favorite bands that everybody is bored of playing songs that nobody knows....in honor of you. So who better to honor than the lunatic fringe that is the JCM. I have spent all day today (and most of last night) designing a flier for this momentous occasion, one that I hope you all can share in. Because it is our birthday and we are so important and you should celebrate USSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS and all of the shitty music we like. Happy birthday -jr. Happy Birthday Bryan. *Flier below-
Ok, now that we've gotten that out of the way, as you may have probably know, the past two days have been quite interesting due to the recent, massive, celebrity photo hacked scandal dubbed "The Fappening". For a connoisseur of celebrity nudity like myself, it was nirvana.
I wanted to write an essay about the sociological implications of this, but decided I didn't have the energy. I had been up until 5am the night before saving all the pics while everybody else was fapping away. (I had already shrewdly fapped to a 17 minute "Jenna Haze Riding Dick" video earlier before undertaking this to get it out of the way).
I wanted to write an essay in response to the celebrity white knights like Lena Dunham who beg people not to view the pics because they have an image to uphold (and secret jealousy they weren't hacked) and then they go back to forcing their own nudity on viewers on HBO.
I wanted to write an essay on this because I was up until 5am Sun/Mon constantly refreshing my browser in a grotesque sense of community with thousands of other people, and after my (drunk) body gave out I fell asleep and woke up at noon and went right back to the computer and started again until my girlfriend came home (from where?, I have no idea) and came into the office (as I quickly minimized all of my tabs and tucked away my dick) saying, "Please say you saved the Jennifer Lawrence pictures," and I sheepishly replied, "I got everybody," and we spent the next hour looking at famous people completely naked, me surprised that she would be photographed with a dick and her commenting on how nice a dress she had (half) on.
I wanted to write an essay because after I passed out this afternoon and when I woke up, it had gotten to the point where the pics posted could have been of anyone but because a name was attached people would still fap to it. (I caught myself grabbing my dick at a Michelle Trachtenberg "pic" of somebody who looked 50). At this point I posted breast and ass shots of my GF online without her knowledge with the tag "Girl From Under the Dome". Which one? Who knows. Who cares.
I wanted to write an essay but at 1am on Sept. 2nd, most of my "go-to" sites are down, so I take this time to bring back a JCM classic: The List.
Maybe the previous blabber was my essay, but here are my Top 10 Fappening leaks, along with honorable mentions (but no pics...not getting shut down that easy...and THEY'RE MINE)
*- Ariana Grande- Wang, -jr, and myself had to google her age last year in New York while watching a music video at a McDonalds while some guy merged/dissolved into a brick wall next to us. She's legal. She has an amazing ass. She is my best friend.
*- Bar Rafaeli- SI model. Rocking bod, but too much ass play. Sorry, but I'm not a fan of the ass play.
*- Hope Solo- Soccer babe. I will now be a hypocrite by saying..."Damn, that ass."
*- Jessica Brown Findlay- Actress from Downton Abbey, which is why I don't know her, and why she didn't make the main list. She does get points for allowing a dick to poke her eye out (INTHE MOST FEMINIST WAY POSSIBLE DONT FLAME ME)
*- Kayley Cuoco- Actress on a shit show. Woo-hoo a toilet shot.
*-Lea Michele- Actress on a shit show.
*- Olivia Munn- Already a "victim" of leaked pics. This time, she's getting stuffed. Misses the cut cuz of no face.
*-Selena Gomez- Missed the cut for wearing the most x-rayable baithing suit in history.
*-Aubry Plaza- Got a thing for her but the black censor bars are such a turn off.
The Top Ten
10. Liz Lee- No idea who she is. Some MTV show babe. Don't even know if its her but she has red hair, no tits, and looks like a boy. I'm in!
9. Krysten Ritter- Girl from Breaking Bad. Skinny but cute. Made the list because she's not afraid to rock a well-managed bush.
8. Teresa Palmer- Had a thing for this girl For-Ever. Wang poo-poo'ed her pics because they were too meh. Whatever, Wang, number 8.
7. Victoria Justice- No idea who this girl is and her tits are kind of boring, but the internet went wild so she makes the list and I am a sheep.
6. McKayla Moroney- Not impressed with these celeb leaks. I'll leave it at that. Pic posted is clothed. LAY OFF!
5. Mary Elizabeth Winstead- Girl from Death Proof, The Thing remake, and Scott Pilgrim, I mean Mary Elizabeth Winstead Saves Muh Dyck.
4. Ali Michael- Model babe. Kudo's for having actual portfolio shots hacked. Plus, I have an eyebrow fetish.
3. Kate Upton- Internet Gold. She is the Nicolas Cage of prolific celebrity leaks in that she had a ton. Also, she earns points because she instilled the confidence that my dick is bigger than a Cy Young/MVP winner's.
2. Kirsten Dunst- Yes, an odd call for #2, but K.D. makes the cut because this is the one I actually fapped to. I can't explain. Whatever. Move along.
1. Jennifer Lawrence- Duh. Not having J Law as #1 is like not having Die Hard as #1 on the top action movies. She's young, talented, hot, and likes to fuck around. She is our best friend, Internet. Our best friend.
Sorry we haven't been posting too much this month. All 7 members of the JCM have been furiously working on a special project and I am pleased to report that we have finally reached a conclusion!!! After hours and hours of manpower we have finally located Sadie from Hip in Detroit's Tinder profile (you knew she had to have one). See you in September!