Out now on Checkers Records Collective, the new LP by JCM, "The Fall of Bryan Metro".

Listen To This Now!!!!

Saturday, November 19, 2016

An Interview With Bryan Metro of The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre

Hello all, Robby Sturr here, guest writer for the day if you will.  I had the opportunity to sit down with Bryan Metro of the JCM to discuss what lies ahead and that is what this is.

So let's start at the top (o'the pops).  What is the state of the JCM in the Fall of 2016?

Metro- Dormant, but still dangerous, like a volcano.  And the seismographs have started to blip again.  And no, it has nothing to do with the election.  Before I continue to talk about myself, I do want to note the similarities between Trump's win and the JCM's rise to notoriety.  He basically said "screw you" to the local music scene (ie: minorities and women) and spent all of his energy on the white man (ie: the internet).  That's how we won the Detroit Music Award for the best band of the past 10 years in 2009 and that's how he won the election so everyone can thank us for designing the template for Trump's victory.
    Anyway, getting back to your boring question, the volcano is rumbling, even though the local music scene is dead.  However, the other week, -jr called me (drunk) saying that he'd recorded an album's worth of new songs and we have to record again.  I replied (also drunk), "Okay".

It took an amazing seven years between your first album, 2008's "The 70's Times Ten" and your second "The Fall of Bryan Metro" in 2015.  Why so long?

Metro-  It was me; my fault.  I got lazy and complacent. If you were to look at the history of that second album I am barely there.  I don't even remember if I wrote a single word for it.  I like it though.  It's us.  I liken it to having a baby born without a chromosome but still love him as much as the honor student.  Or something like that.  Plus I rationalized it that we we're the Malick or Kubrick's of the local music scene, but nobody cares anymore.  It was out "Eyes Wide Shut".  But nobody cares anymore.  Metro Times, Real Detroit, the Blogosphere have all moved on.  Milo still writes, but its all about dull acts.  There's no danger anymore.  I laugh at all the roonts posting how much they love the Iggy doc "Gimme Danger" as they're downloading the latest Ryan Allen side-project.  Just pass.

Now you have your third (man) record on its way next year.  Why the short turnaround?

Metro-  In a nutshell, its about getting old.  And for me, redemption for the second album.  I'm writing again and it feels good but I know it won't last so I have to strike fast because the seismographs are starting to blip again.  Also, I am energized by what I've heard so far.

What can you say about the new album?

Metro-  Simply said, it's fun.  It's probably our most "fun" (whatever that means) and accessible albumwe will have.  It will probably be our last; that whole getting old thing I mentioned.  I look in the Wizard's Glass and see our first album being our best, the second one being our most introspective, and the third being the most fun.  I just want to go out on a good note.  I roll my eyes whenever I read an interview with Electric Six on the cusp of their yearly record release, "We really think this one captures the spirit of the first one," yet the past four have been rubbish.  Quantity over quality, but it makes me chuckle that we took the opposite approach.  We end up setting the expectations so low we go out on a good note (though I think our debut was pretty darn good for Detroit in 2007.

I'm not sure when the last time you played live but it has been a while.  Do you have anything on the horizon especially with a new album in the works?

Metro- I honestly don't remember the last time we performed live.  I have vague memories of playing at a festival retirement show followed by a show a week or two later.  I do remember that we played the last slot at the final Metro Times Blowout; pops of memories about a cult themed show.  I do recall that I had recorded a promo-video for it because Metro Times had already given up by this point but I never released it.  It was mean and meandering, but it fit the theme.  I will give it to you Robby to post here at the end of this interview.  I remember you hanging around that day, like a creep.  What's the point of recording something only to just sit on it?  Now back to your question: I do not know if we will ever play again.  Never say never is such a cliche but I really do think we're done although never say never because I do fancy the quote "This is the Game that Moves as you Play".
  The last time I was in L.A. I saw a band called The Westerners that was basically us.  They promised to set up a show with us if they ever got out to Michigan.  I showed them clips of the JCM and they were shocked.  It was the same band (though they were more polished live, though I give the nod to our percussionist bias or not).  I do think we're done, but never.....

What is the status of the other members of the band?

Metro-  I'm dealing with 11 cats, severe debt (royalties), but working on a comeback.  -jr just got married....to a girl.  Wang just had a second kid and I'm furiously searching for a kiddie bass (an upgrade).  Peter the Freshman is keeping busy with his second also, also probably smoking alot of pot.  Suck, the drummer, is keeping busy with his side project The Soaring Eagles and waiting for the call (which he will probably let go to voice mail).  The Indian has evaporated into the mist.  E First has been M.I.A. though I don't think that story is finished yet.  At the right (correct) moment we will all find our way back again, to the wrong venue, and at the wrong time.

Will you guys be going back to the traditional JCM 3-man lineup or stay with the current lineup?

Metro-  My hope is that we keep the current, bloated, lineup till the day I die.  It's more fun, sounds better live, and allows me to wander off during a set to "relax".  But I am also preparing myself for a scaled back act if we ever do play a show again.

What is the status of your debut novel "The Invisible People"?  You had a listening party at the Ferndale Public Library in 2010 but the book has yet to be released.

Metro-  The book is done.  I have been reading the Dark Tower series the past year and could see how King would want to revisit these characters years later and I had a similar feeling so I recently started working on a final chapter, a coda, where everybody dies, even though they all die at the end of the actual book proper.  But yeah, its basically done.  I also want to take the opportunity to apologize to anyone who signed up for the mailing list for book updates that day at the library reading.  I lost it.

Lets finish with the end.  What's 2017 have in store for you and the band?

Metro-  Well, we have the new album coming out. It will either be called "Pools of Lube" or "Driller Killer" (I prefer the latter).  Maybe a show?  I kind of want our retirement to mean something; the end of the local Detroit music scene for the next ten years (though the Metro Times may have beat us to that); but it also can be a renewal.  The start of a new Blowout (where we would obviously headline).  All I can hope for is that people have fun with the new record and appreciate the book.  When I first started this interview I meant to emphasize switching up our second and third records because the second is more melancholy and dour, but now I think just play it as it lays.  And just have fun.  Play something fun.  After all, we're on a road to nowhere..

Robby S.

I almost forgot.  The unreleased Blowout promo.  Me, E First, a kid, and bad news. (Thanks Chris for your work).

Drink it in mannnnnn 

Friday, October 28, 2016

JCM-Post Retirement Out on the Town+ Gimme Danger Revue

It has been (a theme here) forever since the JCM has done a show or even been seen in public. This is, or is not, by design.  Actually, we were all present at -jr's wedding in early October (I know) and there for Wang's second kid (I know).  Me; I've grown a beard.

None of this is particularly interesting, but it does follow the Path of the Beam, so when I saw that the DIA was showing an advanced screening of the Jim Jarminge Stooges documentary "Gimme Danger" with a Q & A with Iggy and Jim Jarmunge after I had to reform the Avengers.

I had my Advocate, Pauline Human, get tickets for us while Wang secured tickets for he and -jr (Peter the Freshman was too late; sold out; having his fourth kid).  The Stooges are always an inside joke within JCM as -jr always manages to work in a Stooges reference in all of our interviews, then denies that we are similar, then goes on to compare us to them.  It's like clockwork.  The Stooges were definitely better in studio/on stage (and had better drugs) but I'll give the JCM the advantage with Wit.  So, it was a date.

I arrive at the DIA with my Advocate Pauline actually later than the rest of the band (2), but thankfully -jr and Wang saved us primo seats close to the stage in the press section (Johnny Press) close to the stage in the press section. I, already drunk, lumbered over everybody in the aisle to my bandmates exclaiming, "Holy shit! This crowd is the who's who of Has-Beens."  -jr gave me my souvenir from his Italian honeymoon, a pair of Italian Wayfarer sunglasses, and I crained my neck to survey the crowd:

Clint Howard from Human Eye was three rows behind us which was fitting.  I imagine Danny Darlean sulking in the shadows, dismayed that he was not invited to play/speak at the event,  The head of MotorCityBlog was EVERYWHERE trying his best to make sure EVERYBODY knew he was there.  There was one point where I was convinced that he was standing on his seat, waving to shadows on the walls; the real friends.

The lights flickered signifying that the movie was about to start and as this happened Rock and Rummage jumped out of his seat, grabbing all of his gear, yelling that he had to catch the bus to Chicago for the Bell Biv Devoe show.  They kept the lights on long enough for him to make his way out (dropping many records and porn on the way).  After this was finished they ran the movie...

My revue:  It was good.  There was a lot of familiar material for Stooges fans but it was still fun to revisit it.  There were some tearjerking Asheton Brothers clips and good later-day Iggy interview footage.  My one complaint was the use of black and white stock footage.  I understand that they had little footage to work with but the stock footage got annoying. Overall: 8/10

After the movie, Iggy and Jarmincha came out for a Q & A, and I saw Rock and Rummage race out to catch a pic or maybe an autograph even though this happened 2 hours before.  The Q & A was nothing groundbreaking; Iggy was charismatic and Jarminge was dull as a log.  I tried to get a question in but they ran out of time.  The last question went to the twerp from Pretty Ghouls, and to be honest, I have no idea what he even asked because it was so boring that half the theater started leaving and all I could think of was, "Does he own any other clothes," The band collectively rolled their eyes (the last question was for Manjigga).  I'm sure that Iggy fell asleep during this segment.  Ladies and Gents....The Pretty Ghouls!

Jump cut, and the show is over.  The JCM made time to snap a shot of ourselves rather than the artifacts waiting to get a pic with Iggy, and we leave.  As we leave we pass Lee Majors surrounded by a cavalcade of youngun's and roont's and I was buzzed and had to get home and as I fell I remembered a story.....

I've always been into Pro-Wrestling.  My dad took me to Wrestlemania 3 at the Silverdome ( and -jr was there too; in another life; ka) and then I took my pops to Ford Field for the other one in Michigan at Ford Field.  Back in the 90's there was a wrestling column in the News written by ML Curly (a Three Stooges reference that makes me sad).  I saw this guy at all of the meet and greets and he was always surrounded by young boys.  It always seemed off but they were entranced by this writer; he was their false "In" to the wrestling scene.  Eventually he was arrested for abuse of children.  Before that, at a wrestling event I showed up with a sign condemning him of this, and he laughed it off, but his eyes showed fear because my hunch was right and he was being protected by his boys...

So after the Iggy show, I had the idea to break out the posterboard again.  Not because the local scene is dead; DOA, but because I love being right.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

2 For Lookin

Mix up the mis, mix up the mix.  mix up the dix.

Janked this fat fuckin beat on the way home on the place from Italy.

Born Bad

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Ugh to the Ugh

We have always had a kiss kiss bang bang relationship with t-shirt guy from Amino Acids, but was just informed about a very sad situation regarding someone close to him.  I will refrain from details on this post but will include the link to help them with medical costs.  My job was eliminated last month and I Hulk Hogan legdropped cancer earlier this year and I fully intend to contribute to this worthwhile cause.  Click the link. #nevergiveup

Fucking Contribute

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Friday, June 3, 2016

Bryan Metro Death Concert Blues

So after a paltry 1.5 after getting a clean bill of health from cancer, Metro finds out his liver is failing. Google says the typical 6 months which just bores me. So we at the JCM are probably going to set up a belated Wrestlemania season show with the goal of raising a liver. Right now, we're hoping for an outright donation from a terrible local act nobody would miss. Details for the show imminent. Until then, Big smiles! Big Smiles! This sucks man....

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Monday, May 9, 2016

A Coyote in New York City

"I don't have any idea who they really are, but somebody better find out very fucking quick!"

   I hear this shouted, no bellowed, behind me as Trent, Amy, Scott, Matt, Zip (out of the SUV), and myself, your humble narrator, race out of "Carlos Party Store" in the East Village into the streets of Alphabet City and soon after I hear (and feel) the hail of gunfire, probably from Olivier (he was wary of us from the start), and a car window shatters, no BLASTS!, next to us on 9th St. and the spray of glass hits Amy and Scott, who tries to shield her, and its only superficial wounds, and Trent is on the phone trying to arrange an Uber driver back to LaGuardia and I come to the harsh realization that we left the coyote, and by proxy, the package, back at the convenience store.

But let's start six hours earlier....

   Matt was voted to retrieve the coyote from the airport animal claim and the sight of him dragging the carrier through LaGuardia was too much and we all started laughing and I saw through the airport window that Zip, our New York contact had arrived to take us bar hopping before the meet-up at Carlos'.

Okay, now let's go back 24 hours...

   "Okay daaaaaaad," Trent whines into his Samsung G8 cell phone.  He hangs up and tells us, Amy, Scott, Matt, and me that his dad asked us to do him a favor and deliver a package to somebody named Carlos in New York City.  The details were traditionally vague and we really couldn't decline since Trent's dad pays the rent.  Trent's dad was in Iraq (again) at the time, however he did arrange for our flight to LaGuardia, so I guess that evens everything out.

The doorbell rings at the House By The Beach which chills all of us because it is past midnight and the gates are locked.  We all huddle next to the fireplace (it is 97 degrees in LA right now) and discuss what actions need to be taken, what plans are to be made, who is first on lookout.  Then Amy realizes that the package Trent's dad needs to be delivered to Carlos in New York was to be delivered to the house in LA tonight.  We then have a five minute conversation about how nobody knows the name of Trent's dad, including Trent.  We end up voting Matt to answer the door and it is indeed the package and Matt says it was dropped off by a "shady dude" named Carlos.

   "But man, we're supposed to be delivering this thing to a Carlos,"  Scott says, crying.

   "Uhhhhh, I have no idea what is in this thing but if it's bad news how are we going to get it on an airplane?"  I ask innocently and Trent silently gets up and leaves the house by the beach.  We hear the communal car fire up and take off and decide to pass the time playing the latest XBox1 hit "Bobbing... For Apples" and after 15 minutes Trent returns with a dead coyote that he found cruising down Mulholland Drive.  We all stare as he drops the carcass in the living room.  Amy is reading the latest issue of "Stars Who Realized They're Not Famous Anymore!".

Flash forward seven hours...

   We check into LAX (miraculously) and are dragging the dead coyote, which has now been fitted with the package, in a pet carrier.  Trent was successful in convincing the airport staff that the coyote was actually a dog (named "Coyote" because we kept calling it a coyote) and was asleep because he hates planes and was on "Puppy Xanax".  We spend 30 minutes in the food court before a family complains about the smell.

Flash forward/Post-flight...

   Matt has just been voted to retrieve the dog/coyote from the airport animal claim and the sight of him dragging the carrier through the LaGuardia terminal was too much and we all started laughing and I saw through the window that Zip, our New York contact, had arrived to take us bar hopping before the meet-up.  The cocktails on the plane did little to ease our unease so we agreed to head to St. Mark's Place to bar hop and make friends; get drunk.  However, Trent insisted on going to a baby store which sapped 45 minutes from our schedule because finding a baby store in the heart of the East Village is next to impossible.

   After acquiring the baby car seat from Piccolini NYC and positioning "Coyote" in it, we head back to St. Mark's Place and start at Grassroots Tavern with drafts, and then head to Proletariat (I know, spare me), then Bau (minor spare me, decent looking wait staff), jump cut to St. Mark's Ale House for more drafts, then to Vbar for wine (I was napping in the SUV by this point), and finished up at Ten Degrees Bar where nothing really happened.

   "Guys....," Scott says ominously, "We actually don't have anywhere to stay out here."
I have a tense flashback to what would be Vicki's decaying loft on the Upper West Side and snap back with the idea.
   "Trent, call your dad!"  I shout
After Trent's dad in Iraq arranges a same day return flight, Zip drives us to our destination, "Carlos Party Store" (no punctuation) on 9th St. and Avenue A.  Tension is high as we pile out of Zip's SUV (along with the coyote/package).  Zip remains in the SUV in case we need to make a quick getaway.

   Upon entering Carlos Party Store Trent immediately asks, "We are here to see Carlos!"
The room gets silent and we are introduced to Frank, Francis, Olivier, Yannick, and somebody named Poultry.  For a minute there are no words spoken, just paranoid glances.  Finally, Olivier breaks the silence.
   "Who is Carlos?  We don't know anybody named Carlos."
   "We were asked to deliver this coyote, I mean package, to Carlos' Party Store," I try to assist.
   "There ain't no Carlos here," Olivier responds, seething.
   "But man, the fucking sign says Carlos Party Store.  There has to be Carlos," Scott is in tears again.
   "We don't know anyone by the name of Carlos," Frank explains eloquently.
   "But we do know that you have a package for us from Carlos," Oliver interjects.
   "What the fuck man, another Carlos?  Same Carlos?  Is Carlos delivering this package to himself?" Scott again, crumbling.
   "Is Trent's dad's name Carlos?  Is that it?"  I whisper to Amy, who is nodding off leaning against the wall.
Total silence.

   Then Zip blasts the horn outside which shakes everybody out of the stalemate and Trent nudges the coyote in the car seat towards the crew at Carlos Party Store.
   "Package is in the animal.  You dig it out.  We're out of here," Trent says, taking command.
   "Pleasure doing business with you, gringo," Olivier replies (he's French I think).
There is another moment of silence and then we all decide to leave.  As we are leaving, I witness Trent steal a Spongebob ice cream treat from the cooler and then realize that Olivier also observed the act.

   "I don't have any idea who they really are but somebody better find out very fucking quick!"  Olivier shouts as we all break for Zip and the SUV getaway.
   "We forgot the fucking dog, man," Scott shouts.
   "It's a coyote dude," Matt offers.
As we get to the SUV Zip inexplicably decides to hop out and start running with us, completely negating the idea of even having a getaway car.  We are on the streets of Alphabet City and I hear (and feel) the hail of gunfire, probably from Olivier (he was wary of us from the start), and a car window shatters, no BLASTS!, next to us on 9th St. and the spray of glass hits Amy and Scott, who tries to shield her, and its only superficial wounds and Trent is on the phone trying to arrange an Uber driver back to LaGuardia and I come to the harsh realization that we left the dog, and by proxy, the package, back at the party store.  I stumble on the curb and fall on my back only to see a bullet shatter Zip's head and the gore rains all over me and I get back up and shake it off and catch up with the group and I hear Zip's body "thump" on the ground and I don't really have any opinion on it.  I then hear the angry voices getting closer and I lunge to.....

Flash forward 2 hours...

Amy, Trent, Scott, Matt, and I are in First Class on a plane taking us back to the West Coast (after a detour in Colorado, shhhhhhh) and we are laughing and playing Mad Libs and having a drink (or three) and not really worried because Olivier will be disappearing within the hour and as I look out the window at the looming Rocky Mountains, I think to myself, "Aren't we all......."

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Thom yorke's boring wonky eyeball

Anybody that knows anything knows that Radiohead has committed the cardinal sin: being boring.  Other than there 2 new singles, they have had some pretty good records.  Believe it or not, they are one of the bands that made me want to create music.  Also, "Kid A" is probably my most favorite album of all time.  Without further ado, this is my list ranking their studio LP output from best to worst.  
Kid A
In Rainbows
OK Computer
Hail To The Thief
The Bends
Pablo Honey
The King of Limbs

Thank you and JCM will never eeeeevvvveerrr be boring.

"I'm the eater of worlds!"

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Great News!!!

All of your favorite JCM albums/singles/etc. are available on the majority of streaming services: Tidal, Spotify, ITunes, Amazon, and more.  So far I have listened to JCM Radio on Spotify and it alternates between our masterpieces and Ty Stone's songs about calzones.  Anyways, Metro saw some skin flick he won't stop raving about so keep your eyes peeled for a review on that!

I'm the eater of worlds.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Trump 2016 and a Look at Who To Swipe on Tinder

"Hope everything is alright.  Hope everything is allllllriiiigghhhht."

     Trent wakes up to Frank Black singing "hope everything is alright" over and over and he looks to see that his recently purchased V-M Tri-O-Matic 1275 vintage record player has malfunctioned and has been skipping endlessly since he passed out last night and he rolls over, already knowing that everything is indeed not right.

     I'm sitting on the sofa pull-out next to the bed and have been listening to the record player drone on and on since the sun came up, looking out the window, probably crying, but really, who knows?
   "Bryan," Trent moans, "Unplug the V-M Tri-O-Matic Model 1275.  It is malfunctioning."  He insists on calling it by its full name, probably to justify its cost, and I comply and the room goes silent.

   "Gotta see if I got any swipes," Trent continues.  The entire house by the beach has become addicted to Tinder for the past week.  I hand him his phone and casually check mine for the same purpose (off camera of course), and then head downstairs.  Why was I even in Trent's room to begin with?

     I pass by Matt in the bathroom furiously trying to scrub a "Trump 2016" written in permanent marker off of his forehead, an obvious Trent prank, to little success.  I walk past the pull-out sofa where Scott is playing X-Box, a "Trump 2016" mantra on his forehead also, but with zero effort to wash it off and its like a parallel world ash wednesday at the house by the beach and I wander into the kitchen to try to convince myself that I need to eat something and check my forehead in my reflection on the fridge (nothing) (I never sleep) and notice in the personal gym adjacent to the kitchen that Trent is already working out (did he teleport?) and he is emphasizing biceps today and his brand new "Trump 2016" tattoo is the focus as he is only working out his right arm.

     I watch Trent work out for about 15 minutes, halfheartedly maintaining a semi-hard-on, then get bored and head to the bathroom because I really should shave because I have nothing better to do.
   "Why are you still here? Didn't you understand the warnings?" Vikki asks me.
   "Well, I'm kind of a complacent guy, babe.  And maybe a little bitter that you left so soon," my reply, and then, "I really do kind of miss you."
   "I know," her reply, "Hope everything is alright."

Trent stumbles into the bathroom, already drunk.
   "Hey bud, talking to yourself? Nevermind.  Gotta piss."  He draws "Trump/Trent 2016" onto the bathroom mirror in permanent marker and I leave the bathroom without accomplishing anything and head to the living room where I find Matt, Scott, and Amy (no Trump sharpies) already at work checking their phones for any Tinder swipes.  Nobody has had any luck so far because we set our radius at 0.5 miles because we are all agoraphobic and no longer leave the house by the beach.  Actually, Amy has had some luck because, being a female, combined with the amount of desperate guys online who swipe every female they see, well she has attention.  Scott actually informed us that there are websites where you can pay for the opportunity to do exactly the same.  We all had a laugh at that (as I noticed Trent casually searching for said sites).
   "I got zero swipes today.  We need a house with a better fucking location near the beach," Trent whines.
   "I'm not moving shit," Scott mumbles.
We are all resigned to another lonely night when Matt, of all people, miraculously gets a "like".  His name is Chad.  The living room becomes silent, which is broken after 30 seconds by Trent who already has a plan.

     30 minutes later, Matt is walking/sulking to the 24 hour diner a mile away from the house (house car is in the shop) to meet with Chad.

     30 minutes later Chad is back at the house by the beach strapped to a dentist's chair and systematically being broken down via torture methods that we are searching online as we go.  At one point, Trent cuts off one of Chad's nipple and makes it into a crude eye patch and then Amy realizes that Chad is starting to bleed out so we spend the next twenty minutes searching the internet for ways to stop the bleeding.

     Once the bleeding has stopped, we drag Chad to the house by the beach's pool, which is now possessed by the spirit that inhabited the pool that we house-sat at a few years ago.  During the exorcism Matt was successfully able to transfer the poltergeist  from the old pool to our pool (per Trent's demands).  As part of the agreement for the spirit transfer we had to sacrifice Amy's unborn baby but since she was going to abort it anyways it really wasn't much of a loss.

     Scott begins the ritual, which basically consists of reading old Spy Vs. Spy comics from Mad Magazine as Trent carves "Trent 2016" into Chad's head and then dumps him into the pool which immediately becomes alive and the water starts boiling, searing off Chad's skin.  Chad is screaming in terror and Trent tosses a life raft into the pool which immediately dissolves (It had "Natalie Wood 1981" written on it in black sharpie) and he is singing "hope everything is alright".

     I'm already crying at this point as Sprygus the Spirit consumes the essence of Chad from his charred body so I go to the outdoor mini-bar and start making drinks for everyone.  I hide my sobs behind a false smile (they're not looking anyway) but ultimately don't care because I realize that this must be the place.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Hamtramck Music Fest-Day 2 Revue

Hey-o, I know its only noon but let me get the JCM revue of the HamFest Day 2 posted early for your enjoyment.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro


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