Listen To This Now!!!!

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Size 12 Birthday

Happy Birthday Sadie!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Happy Birthday to -jr and Metro

Well, its that time of year. -jr and Bryan Metro will be celebrating their birthdays a few days apart from each other. And since this year in music has been so disappointing with Blowout flopping and no other real festivals of note we have decided to have 2 birthday shows. It appears that the trend is to have self-indulgent birthday shows in your "honor" with all of your favorite bands that everybody is bored of playing songs that nobody honor of you. So who better to honor than the lunatic fringe that is the JCM. I have spent all day today (and most of last night) designing a flier for this momentous occasion, one that I hope you all can share in. Because it is our birthday and we are so important and you should celebrate USSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS and all of the shitty music we like. Happy birthday -jr. Happy Birthday Bryan. *Flier below-

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

the fappening blues

Peter The Freshman came over the other night with a song in mind that he had texted the demo of to me earlier. Now we're that much closer to being in her. If you think about it, it just makes sense.


Monday, September 1, 2014

Bryan Metro and The Fappening

I love the Internet.

Ok, now that we've gotten that out of the way, as you may have probably know, the past two days have been quite interesting due to the recent, massive, celebrity photo hacked scandal dubbed "The Fappening".  For a connoisseur of celebrity nudity like myself, it was nirvana.

I wanted to write an essay about the sociological implications of this, but decided I didn't have the energy.  I had been up until 5am the night before saving all the pics while everybody else was fapping away.  (I had already shrewdly fapped to a 17 minute "Jenna Haze Riding Dick" video earlier before undertaking this to get it out of the way).

I wanted to write an essay in response to the celebrity white knights like Lena Dunham who beg people not to view the pics because they have an image to uphold (and secret jealousy they weren't hacked) and then they go back to forcing their own nudity on viewers on HBO.

I wanted to write an essay on this because I was up until 5am Sun/Mon constantly refreshing my browser in a grotesque sense of community with thousands of other people, and after my (drunk) body gave out I fell asleep and woke up at noon and went right back to the computer and started again until my girlfriend came home (from where?, I have no idea) and came into the office (as I quickly minimized all of my tabs and tucked away my dick) saying, "Please say you saved the Jennifer Lawrence pictures," and I sheepishly replied, "I got everybody," and we spent the next hour looking at famous people completely naked, me surprised that she would be photographed with a dick and her commenting on how nice a dress she had (half) on.

I wanted to write an essay because after I passed out this afternoon and when I woke up, it had gotten to the point where the pics posted could have been of anyone but because a name was attached people would still fap to it. (I caught myself grabbing my dick at a Michelle Trachtenberg "pic" of somebody who looked 50).  At this point I posted breast and ass shots of my GF online without her knowledge with the tag "Girl From Under the Dome".  Which one?  Who knows.  Who cares.

I wanted to write an essay but at 1am on Sept. 2nd, most of my "go-to" sites are down, so I take this time to bring back a JCM classic: The List.
Maybe the previous blabber was my essay, but here are my Top 10 Fappening leaks, along with honorable mentions (but no pics...not getting shut down that easy...and THEY'RE MINE)

Honorable Mentions

*- Ariana Grande-  Wang, -jr, and myself had to google her age last year in New York while watching a music video at a McDonalds while some guy merged/dissolved into a brick wall next to us.  She's legal.  She has an amazing ass.  She is my best friend.

*- Bar Rafaeli-  SI model.  Rocking bod, but too much ass play.  Sorry, but I'm not a fan of the ass play.

*- Hope Solo-  Soccer babe.  I will now be a hypocrite by saying..."Damn, that ass."

*- Jessica Brown Findlay-  Actress from Downton Abbey, which is why I don't know her, and why she didn't make the main list.  She does get points for allowing a dick to poke her eye out (INTHE MOST FEMINIST WAY POSSIBLE DONT FLAME ME)

*- Kayley Cuoco-  Actress on a shit show.  Woo-hoo a toilet shot.

*-Lea Michele-  Actress on a shit show.

*- Olivia Munn-  Already a "victim" of leaked pics.  This time, she's getting stuffed.  Misses the cut cuz of no face.

*-Selena Gomez- Missed the cut for wearing the most x-rayable baithing suit in history.

*-Aubry Plaza-  Got a thing for her but the black censor bars are such a turn off.

The Top Ten

10.  Liz Lee-  No idea who she is.  Some MTV show babe.  Don't even know if its her but she has red hair, no tits, and looks like a boy.  I'm in!
9.  Krysten Ritter-  Girl from Breaking Bad. Skinny but cute.  Made the list because she's not afraid to rock a well-managed bush.

8.  Teresa Palmer-  Had a thing for this girl For-Ever.  Wang poo-poo'ed her pics because they were too meh.  Whatever, Wang, number 8.

7. Victoria Justice-  No idea who this girl is and her tits are kind of boring, but the internet went wild so she makes the list and I am a sheep.

6.  McKayla Moroney-  Not impressed with these celeb leaks.  I'll leave it at that.  Pic posted is clothed.  LAY OFF!

5.  Mary Elizabeth Winstead-  Girl from Death Proof, The Thing remake, and Scott Pilgrim, I mean Mary Elizabeth Winstead Saves Muh Dyck.

4.  Ali Michael-  Model babe.  Kudo's for having actual portfolio shots hacked.  Plus, I have an eyebrow fetish.

3.  Kate Upton-  Internet Gold. She is the Nicolas Cage of prolific celebrity leaks in that she had a ton.  Also, she earns points because she instilled the confidence that my dick is bigger than a Cy Young/MVP winner's.

2.  Kirsten Dunst-  Yes, an odd call for #2, but K.D. makes the cut because this is the one I actually fapped to.  I can't explain.  Whatever.  Move along.

1. Jennifer Lawrence-  Duh.  Not having J Law as #1 is like not having Die Hard as #1 on the top action movies.  She's young, talented, hot, and likes to fuck around.  She is our best friend, Internet.  Our best friend.

Your best friend,
Bryan Metro

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Hip in Tinder

Sorry we haven't been posting too much this month.  All 7 members of the JCM have been furiously working on a special project and I am pleased to report that we have finally reached a conclusion!!! After hours and hours of manpower we have finally located Sadie from Hip in Detroit's Tinder profile (you knew she had to have one).  See you in September!


Thursday, August 7, 2014

Late Summer JCM Sunsets

Holy shit, it's been a while!
Metro checking in for what I'm guessing is the August JCM update.  Aside from meeting Ric Flair last week, the JCM has been hard at work with their personal shit and lives and not worrying about making music videos that nobody will watch or playing shows that people would attend but then forget about attending the next day.

This summer has been pretty lackluster in terms of news so don't blame us, there is only so much we can do.  The festivals have been the same same, DIY Fest is back on I guess, no lineup has been announced but go ahead and plug in George Morris, Destroy This Scene, and Tunde and you have all you need to know. Same same same same same zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I checked my FB events page and discovered that the JCM actually have a show this coming weekend.  It is this Saturday, August 9th, at the Token Lounge.  I will give you a minute to let that sink in.
...The Token Lounge.
We played there for the only time for my birthday bash 5 years ago and all the other acts cancelled and I was out of my mind (we said it was "allergies") and was one of our worst shows and we were subsequently banned.  I guess the ban has been lifted because we are playing this Saturday, August 9th.

This should be an interesting show as we do not really have an idea who in the band will actually be showing up for it.  However, rest assured that myself and -jr will be there in case anybody wants a shot at the title.

We are playing with Maruga and the Cosmic Hoedown Band, Ebola Colony, and most importantly Victor Peraino's Kingdom Come.  Victor Peraino actually has a place in music history as he was the keyboardist for The Crazy World of Arthur Brown of the "Fire" fame.
The last time we played a show with such a luminary was for the Motorcity Special record release where the infamous Mad Hatter, the MC for the MC5 introduced us.  He later died shortly after the show which we may or may not take credit for.

So this Saturday, come to the Token Lounge, we go on first (thank god) at 9pm, to see a rare house show performance by the JCM and possibly Victor Peraino's last show.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Saturday, July 19, 2014


I'm sitting at the computer in the office (no bike lock or roommates needed) stewing about stuff I saw online today.  I have been out of the loop for a few weeks and I just saw that Brett Callwood was removed from the Head Music Editor for the newly revamped Metro Times.  He is still listed as a contributor but he is well on his way to Colorado.  I'm not sure of the politics or the cost cutting, pay as you play, measures that were involved here, and I won't attempt to go into attack mode (yeah right) because Cally has been absolutely professional the past few weeks, and I will respect that.

So I would like to take this time to thank Brett Callwood for giving the JCM a chance and doing a City Slang feature on us in the print issue and online.

The online feature he wrote on us was the Metro Times' most read and commented piece of 2014, yet the local (Ferndale) community still wants to push George Morris et al as the second coming. but they will never get over.  When I am at the local bikini bar I truly read all of the local weeklies (1), and they continuously push these people that are boring and have nothing to offer other than another dull black and white video.  Now Real Detroit is gone, consumed by the Metro Times, and now they have cut loose one of the few people that has an opinion (yes, I realize they are oh so political and are revamping their format and Jack Lessenberry is still allowed to transmit articles from his Coma Chamber) But........

It is pathetic that none of the bands that he tirelessly  promoted via the website/print have not offered an ounce of "Thanks" fucking typical....too busy making the next video in your backyard???  Its pathetic that the "most hated band in Detroit" is the only band to acknowledge what this guy contributed to the local community, because he gave press to so many.  George Morris....Kimura Lock, fucktard.

Brett Callwood, Cally,......  Thank you for your time in Detroit.  Thank you for the books you wrote (AND PUBLISHED, no bike lock needed) about Detroit bands.  Thank you for giving support for local music, sometimes deserved and sometimes Morris.  Thank your wife for booking some great shows at the New Dodge.  We here in Detroit will miss you.  Before you go, drinks are on me at the Yacht Club.


From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Pig & Whiskey

Rare summer JCM post..... short as AJ.

-What did everyone think of Drake hosting the Espy's?  I thought he was solid with the material his writing team got to him.

-Q.  Who did Hip in Detroit have to blow to get on the cover of this week's Metro Times?
 A.  No takers

-I was contemplating going to Sadie & Whiskey this weekend but then I went back and read every post we have ever made about the same bands playing the same events, maybe with different names or members, and its in Ferndale and everything is so boring.  Seriously.....has there ever been a more boring summer for the Detroit music scene than 2014?
In unrelated news, the JCM's next (and probably final show of the summer) will be at the legendary Token Lounge on August 9th (I think).  Since I fucked up royally and forgot that we had a practice last week this may be just me and -jr at this one.  Working on the theme for the show now but it mostly revolves around getting cut off by the 2nd song.

-Finally, I am back from my "Haunted America/Baseball" road trip and for those that liked my Blowout review/photo job this should be up your alley.  It was a blast, with some legitimate occurrences,  funded completely by my hard work with no bike locks requested or roommates needed.  I hope to have it up by the end of the month so keep your eyes peeled (which is exactly the same thing I said to my gf).

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

WWE Update

Dean Ambrose is easily the best thing going on right now in the WWE.  He is perfectly positioned to be the next Stone Cold or CM Punk even.  He is the only interesting gimmick that resonated from the fracturing of The Shield.  Roman Reigns has been given the big push to take over for Cena.  He has terrible mic skills and can hardly cut a promo.  Seth Rollins is a completely disinteresting heel and was the worst choice for The Authority.  It's really sad when the only match carrying a moticum of weight at Battleground is the budding feud between the unbeatable Rusev and Jack Swagger.  Rusev is reminiscent of the bad guy at the end of Kickboxer but Bulgarian.  The Wyatt Family has been squandered.  The biggest mistake was letting Luke Harper and Erik Rowan cut promos.  They were momre captivating when there was the mystique of what the fuck are thesse guys.  They hit a wall and stopped progressing with their weirdness.  Bray's feud with Jericho is a snoozefest.  Luke and Erik's feud with the Usos is even more of a snoozefest unless the Wyatt's win the belt.  If that happens, the stable will end up dissolving.  All in all, Battleground is going to be a waste of a PPV.  The only way it can be salvaged is if they add some modifier matches: Hardcore, Ladder, No Holds Barred, etc.  They never do that shit anymore.  I doubt they will ever bring back the Attitude Era maturation of the storylines but at least it was hopeful with CM Punk.  He ended up exiting his contract oveer the bullshit superhero Cena storylines.  If it's about the merch sales, I'm sure Stone Cold or even NWO sold way more shit than Cena ever did.  Save us Dean Ambrose.


Friday, July 4, 2014

Electric Six Kickstarter Scam

Ok, a quick update.

So Electric Six has a Kickstarter where "fans" can contribute to a new cover album.  I won't bother including the link but this is getting to record points of absurdity.  So a band that has a pretty decent following around the globe feels the need to fleece the people who continue to support them past at least 3 albums of relevancy so that, instead of making another quality album they are making a COVERS album and get can PAY to which songs are on there!!!????  I understand the trust fund ran out after the videos stopped but good god I want to slap any poor person that contributes to this. 

Yes, I get the irony that I had a Kickstarter to raise money to cover Blowout 2014 but god knows I covered it honestly.  This is just a terrible example of people being taken advantage of based on past merits and they don't know any better.  If this is one big troll on everyone, then okay I'll find it funny, but if this a bunch of people at the end of their rope trying to make a cash grab....well Detroit, I guess you're used to it.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro


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