Thursday? See you next Wednesday.

Listen To This Now!!!!

Monday, March 23, 2015

The Fall

April 7th

We all fall.


Sunday, March 8, 2015

Hamtramck Music Festival-Day 4 Revue

Woke up at 4pm. Stayed in bed till 5:30. Finally moved to reacquaint myself with the Sunday schedule of HamFest. Remembered a comment on a previous post saying I should just stay home and jerk it. In the past I have tried to be a man of the people and honor any (non-life threatening) requests from the thousands of readers. I remember somebody told me years ago to go away, play my show, and make sandwiches or whatever I do onstage. So for that show all I did was make sandwiches. Which is ironic since most of our critics these days make sandwiches.

So I took this recent advice and started to jerk off. I first tried using a video that one of the JCM guys sent me while I was sleeping this morning of a blowjob compilation except it was sped up. It was interesting at first but quickly became hilarious because the audio was also sped up which meant there were Alvin & the Chipmunks yelps, whoops, and squeals throughout. I couldn't even tell if it was the guy or girl and since I was watching on my phone it was a lost cause. I then switched to my go to porn search database and dig up the latest Jessa Rhodes videos (my go to girl) posted the last three months and let me tell ya things were looking up. However I made the mistake of looking away and saw 2 of my cats watching me so I fixed my eyes on the TV and saw coach's interview with Stan Van Gundy after the 1st quarter of the Pistons/Hornets game and it became apparent that a climax was not in the cards today (for now at least). So I tucked Little JSB back in my pants and started to work on spreadsheets.

Does anybody aside from the organizers even go to these Sunday Fest circle jerks?

From the Iceman Comment,
Bryan Metro

Hamtramck Music Festival- Day 3

After being up until 5am typing up my Day 2 revue for this cursed Fest, I woke up at 9:50am because I wanted to get Opening Day Tigers tickets.  I have been trying the past few years because I have never been to an Opening Day before and even though I could easily purchase them via the secondary market (that whole working for something rather than just blindly begging for things on Facebook thing I alluded to yesterday), I am a rather stubborn man.  I wanted, needed, to be one of the chosen few who actually got through online and pay face value.  I'm a very stubborn man, baby.

So I wake up at 9:55am and log on to the house laptop (the office computer is inaccessible due to the GF's daughter being sick and the office designated as the official "Sick Room").  Amazingly, I was able to bypass the online queue and tag a standing room ticket.  Unfortunately, and this is my error, the house laptop was not bookmarked with my credit card (that whole working for something rather than just blindly begging for things on Facebook thing I alluded to yesterday) and my ticket request timed out sending my ticket back into inventory.  I try the online queue again to no avail so I run and hijack the office kicking the Kid out, vomit everywhere, and then apologize to the house for my Jack Torrance-esque outburst and then discover that my two tickets have indeed been acquired.  The most gratifying part of this entire ordeal is that I had zero intention of going to Opening Day.  One ticket was a birthday present and the other was for anybody I know who wants to go but can't afford the secondary market.  I see it as a little prideful lesson to all the bores who incessantly fill my Facebook feed with shameless self promotion and "look at me, what I can do" posts, and selfies with not even a hint of a doffed top, and finally a contradiction to everything that has been said about us, the JCM....we can do good.  The finality of the Hamtramck Music Fest is not "We are a city, we can do good", but rather, "Look at me, see what I can do".  A method for failure.
At around noon I went back to sleep.

I woke up again at 7pm and the house was empty so I wandered downstairs and got caught up watching Inglourious Basterds for a little while which turned into a long while and reminded me that I have to post my promised Tarantino rankings this week.  It was now 8pm and I started weighing the pro's and con's of attending the Hamtramck Music Fest tonight.

Pro's:  It was 8pm so "Don't call us the Von Bondies (for legal reasons)" Ponyshow set should be done by now.  Actually, that's the only Pro.

Con's:  - After being anonymously threatened all week via e-mail ( I could be in physical danger.
-  Having to overhear Sean Lynch and/or Carjack talk about themselves all night.
-  The Detroit Party Marching Band of theater rejects.
-  I could be "roofied" and subsequently raped by Christen Carolin or *shudder* Anastasia Gold.
-  The subconscious desire to become an UBER driver and caravan as many people into the Detroit River as possible.
-  T-shirt dude old man Dust Amino Acid guy said he would not have my "Follow the Buzzards" shirt ready in time most likely due to devoting most of his time to stealing others' designs, logos, and slogans without compensation.

I hopped in the shower; totally naked.  I made my decision.  I hopped into the BMW and headed to Miller's in Dearborn where I ordered a plain hamburger and fries along with two High Life drafts and wrote this up.  I am a better, healthier person because of it.  I know what most of you are thinking:  "You haven't seen/contributed a minute to the Hamtramck Music Festival".  To that I say to you:  "Don't shoot your wad.  Maybe I have been waiting.  Maybe I don't have any plans at 2pm Sunday and I know wristbands aren't being checked anymore."

Anyway , that is my Hamtramck Music Fest Day 3 revue.  And thanks to my tv habits tonight I have added a bonus coverage this weekend (not tonight though), my ranking of Quentin Tarantino's films.  Stay tuned tomorrow for those along with my in depth coverage of the afternoon Puss Post #10 set.  Sorry it wasn't as good as last night's post but you get what you pay for.  Xoxo.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Hamtramck Music Festival- Day 2 Revue

Hello all....covering Friday's leg of the Hamtramck Music Festival was as stressful of a task as I have ever had to do in my years while writing for JCM Lavender Blog.  After receiving some terrible news mid-day I wasn't sure if I was even going to make it, but then I realized that even though I don't get paid to cover anything around here and I neglected to do a Kickstarter for this Festival, I do owe it to my constant readers to keep my chin up and get out there and provide the coverage that everybody else seems to be afraid to.  So with a heavy heart, here is my coverage of Friday, HamFest Day 2:

To put into context Day 2 of the Hamtramck Music Festival along with alluding to the tragic news I received today I will defer to my old standby: The List.  Everybody loves lists right?  To fully appreciate the importance of today's coverage I now give you my personal rankings of The Undertaker's Wrestlemania Streak.

Metro's Rankings of Undertaker's WM Streak

22.  Wrestlemania 9- Giant Gonzalez:  Easily the worst of Undertaker's WM matches, and the only one to end via DQ, a rare moment where a feud does not end at the "show of shows" and instead is resolved later in the year with a Taker pinfall victory via clothesline. 0.5 Stars

21.  Wrestlemania 7- Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka:  Snuka was nearing the end of his Hall of Fame career and Undertaker was entering his first Wrestlemania.  Do the math.  I believe Taker left his feet once during the match. The Streak begins. 1 Star

20.  Wrestlemania 11- King Kong Bundy:  Bundy, who headlined WM 2, was also nearing the end of his in ring career when this match occurred, and he was was a part of the Million Dollar Man's stable.  That is probably the most interesting thing about this uneventful match that ended after a bodyslam.  1 Star

19.  Wrestlemania 15-  Big Bossman:  Possibly the worst Hell in a Cell match in history which ended with Big Bossman hanging from the cell in a noose.  Thankfully he survived (for a few years at least) and appeared the next week unharmed.  1 Star

18.  Wrestlemania 19-  Big Show and A Train:  What was supposed to be Undertaker's one and only tag team Mania match was turned into a handicap match at the last minute after the WWE discovered that Taker's partner, Nathan Jones, couldn't actually wrestle.  1.5 Stars

17.  Wrestlemania 22- Mark Henry:  This is the only match of the Streak that I have not seen.  I put it ahead of the bottom 5 in that is the WM casket match (to date).  ? stars

16.  Wrestlemania 8- Jake Roberts:  Undertaker's first Wrestlemania match as a face and Roberts played the perfect evil foil.  Tombstone on the outside.  1-2-3.  2 Stars

15.  Wrestlemania 20- Kane:  This is the first Wrestlemania where Taker did not appear in the pre-match build as he was being built up to return in the "Deadman" gimmick after years as a biker.  2 Stars

14.  Wrestlemania 24- Edge:  The Streak was in full force as a marking tool at this point.  Unfortunately, Edge is among the most overrated wrestlers of all time and the match was vanilla, even though it featured a title change.  3.5 Stars

13.  Wrestlemania 13- Sycho Sid:  The match itself was a clunker but it rewarded Taker's loyal fans for years of being the face who has to work with unskilled big men taking years off his career with his first long title run.  2 Stars

12.  Wrestlemania 27- HHH:  The second of the three Mania matches with HHH was a little one-sided with HHH dominating selling the story that Taker's age may be catching up to him.  Taker won via his Gogoplata "Hell's Gate" submission.  3.5 Stars

11.  Wrestlemania 17- HHH:  The first of three matches with HHH and the first with Taker under the "American Badass" biker gimmick.  This was an underrated brawl with two pros.  3.5 Stars

10.  Wrestlemania 23- Batista:  This match was placed in the mid-card and ended up being the best match of the night and helped elevate Drax the Destroyer as a big name draw.  I was at Ford Field for this one.  4 Stars

9.  Wrestlemania 18- Ric Flair:  A heel Taker versus a face Flair... Who would've thunk it?  Though conventional knowledge would have Flair win after enduring months of bullying to him and his family from Taker, Undertaker won showing that sometimes even bullies win.  I was there for that one too.  3.5 Stars

8.  Wrestlemania 12- Diesel:  The first legit challenge for Taker at WM aside from the fact that everybody knew Diesel was leaving to go to WCW.  Good big man match.  3 Stars

7.  Wrestlemania 14- Kane:  The very first meeting of "brothers" Undertaker and Kane was all sizzle and a tad bit of steak.  The match got Kane over as a monster after surviving two Tombstone Piledrivers.  3.5 Stars

6.  Wrestlemania 21- Randy Orton:  This was the first time there was a hint that the Streak could be broken.  Depending on who you talk to, Orton may in fact was supposed to win but did not because he was such a colossal fuck-up behind the scenes.  A classic choke slam into a RKO sequence.  4 Stars

5.  Wrestlemania 30*- Brock Lesnar:  The top five.... The match itself was not pretty partially due to Taker suffering a concussion minutes into the match but it has to crack the Top 5 for sheer shock value: The Streak is broken.  2 Stars

4.  Wrestlemania 29- CM Punk:  Perhaps Taker's last 4/5 star match on the big stage (although I think he may have a chip on his shoulder for Bray Wyatt this year).  This had a brilliant, yet cruel, build-up utilizing Paul Bearer's actual death.  Taker no-selling the Go To Sleep into a Tombstone followed by Punk kicking out may be the best sequence on this list. 4.5 Stars

3.  Wrestlemania 26- Shawn Michaels:  Not quiiiite living up to their first WM match, this one did have the added drama of the Streak vs. HBK's career (HBK has never wrestled since).  4.5 Stars

2.  Wrestlemania 28- HHH:  The final of the HHH Mania matches was the culmination of what ended up being a 5 year storyline build between Taker, HHH, and Shawn Michaels.  Heel in the Cell with Michaels as referee. The end shot of all three on the stage is a classic and probably where Taker should have called it a day.  4.5 Stars

1.  Wrestlemania 25- Shawn Michaels:  My vote for the best Mania match of all time (and probably best match of all time, old school chumps be damned).  Brilliant from start to finish, after finish, after finish.  There was little story build-up but it was a treat between two pro's who wanted to see who was better and a treat for those who focused on their careers and signature spots.  5 Stars

The Streak list is a perfect segue to my second list of my Hamtramck Music Fest Day 2 coverage, and therein lies my heavy heart.  I was there when Undertaker's Streak was broken last year in New Orleans.  I didn't take Uber there, I didn't ask for help or handouts on Facebook.  I worked, I saved up some money, and I did something I wanted to do.  Before I get to the second list, take that in for a minute.  It's not chemistry.  The Streak list is a perfect segue to my second list of my Hamtramck Music Fest coverage:

Metro's Rankings of Detroit Music Award Appearances"

All good things must.....

6.  2013- Nominated: Best Electronic Song "People Are Afraid to Merge"-  This is the only DMA appearance from the JCM that did not feature Bryan Metro as he was in New York at the time.  Hence #6.

5.  2014- Nominated:  Best Electronic Song "Dressed to Get Screwed Party"-  I don't really remember much about this one aside from the fact they ruined all the awards by posting all the winners before the event started but I was too busy trying to get the chick from Kaleido to fall for my recently installed shoe-cam.

4.  2012- Nominated:  Best Electronic Group, Best Electronic Song "1970's High Octane Death Race"-  This year has a special place in our heart.  Even though we didn't win any awards this year it did feel like a Lifetime Achievement acknowledgement because we were nominated for a song we put out in 2008.  The DMA's!!!

3.  2010- Nominated:  Best Electronic Group, Best Electronic Song "The End of the World"-  It was in 2010 where we truly embraced our celebrity tripping the light fantastique on the DMA red carpet and then getting kicked out of the Fillmore 20 minutes later.  This is where 99% of bands playing today get it wrong.  Good songs are....well, good, but people go to shows to be entertained.  We create stories, everybody else creates set lists.

2.  2011- Nominated:  Best Electronic Group, Best Electronic Song "Bone Season", Best Writer, Bryan Metro-  Number two on our list is here for being the record holder for most nominations in a single year for JCM.  I was especially flattered to be nominated for Best Writing considering I wrote one song the entire year.

1.  2009- Winners:  Best Electronic Group-  The one that started it all.  A drug and booze (in a non-Jamaican Queens little kids trying to be cool and fit-in way) mess foray into the best Detroit has to offer (but not really).  One would think that after picking up our award at the pre-show (we were late of course) that this would be the highlight but the night just kept pumping out the memories:  Dollar bill trick/interview with the homeless, stealing Ted Nugent's family's VIP passes from their table at the Fillmore, using said VIP passes to get backstage and indulge in.....absolutely nothing along with some crew people and hanger-ons eating veggie trays, smoking with the Amboy Dukes, not remembering being backstage, and the Muggs' acceptance speech, "Fuck the Jesus Chainsaw Massacre".

*. 2015-  As with last year at Wrestlemania where The Undertaker's Streak ended, this year's DMA nominations were announced this week and for the first time since they were on our radar, the Jesus Chainsaw Massacre are not nominated.

This is an unknown landscape for local music.  No Blowout last year.  No HamFest this year.  No DMA's this year.  There are just too many questions, Hamtramck Music Festival Day 2 readers...  Is this the end of an era?  Do we call it quits?  Have the vocal minority of JCM haters been heard?  Have the JCM become so toxic that there may be zero shows this calendar year?  Why do all of Carjack's event photos look the same and is it ironic that nearly all of them feature a lens effect that alludes to the subject being flushed down a toilet?  Will there be a Blowout in 2016?  Will Tunde ever get a grant?  After the turnout so far for HamFest 2015 will Cosmic Light Shapes finally concede and change their name to Cosmic Light House?  Do we care?  Of course we do!  We care a lot!!

Right now we have placed an order with the old man T-Shirt guy from the Amino Acids to make custom John Cena-esque "JCM- Never Give Up" cum rags.  And after we fill those rags with our best material in years....well we'll be back.  In 2015.  Prommmmmise.

Oh yeah, Hamtramck Music Fest Day 2.... I guess your band played, or may have not have played.  I will stay ahead of the curve and forget about Day 2 before everybody else.  Done.  Good deal.  Where's the urn?

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Friday, March 6, 2015

Hamtramck Music Festival- Day 1 Revue

Ahhhh, the snow will be melting (soon I hope), I can hear the birds chirping at 6am waking me up only after an hour's sleep on a workday, and my Facebook feed is flooded with bands self-promoting their sets for the upcoming weekend..... It's the onset of Festival Season!!!!!

And Festival Season kicks off this year with the 2nd annual Hamtramck Music Festival.
And of course it kicks off with the "Pre-Party" a local institution in Detroit where all of the bands congregate at one location to pick up their band packets/wristbands and basically talk about themselves.  I remember days gone by picking up the JCM band packet at the Blowout pre-party at the Majestic complex, hoping not to be sucker punched.  One year, I went on a first date with somebody at the pre-party for the sole purpose of sitting around and letting local bands and bloggers (RIP) come up to me and kiss my ring, kiss my DMA, and impress my date with how revered I was in this town.  Unfortunately after a finger bang later that night she turned out to be an absolute maniac, a giant mistake.
Speaking of mistakes, Thursday night was the Hamtramck Music Fest pre-party, and seeing the multiple year-old pictures being posted by their Facebook page (some of which were actually used to promote that first date Blowout many years ago)...well it made me a little nostalgic.  As you well know, the JCM were not selected to play this year's Music Fest, and I made the personal decision not to hold a grudge and to cover it honestly, very much like I did with Blowout last year.  I promised myself to set aside my disappointment (and amusement) with the promoters who advocated new acts this year and then proceeded to book their own stale acts, many of which would not even be able to be booked on a standard, non-festival weekend.  After all, there are 150 bands playing over the course of the Festival.  My mother called me asking if we were playing the Fest and after I said "No" she asked why, there are 150 bands playing.  I didn't really want to get into it with her, but I wondered how she knew about it considering she doesn't have a Facebook and that's pretty much the extent of this Festival's promotional machine.  "Is my mom playing Hamtramck Music Festival?" rang through my head that entire day and at this moment I have no idea if she is or isn't, but if she was, she would fit right in with their demographic.

Right now it is after 1pm on Friday and I have been looking on Facebook for any type of coverage of the pre-show.  Aside from a few pictures (closely cropped to only show the stage and not the turnout) posted on the official page and a few selfies of acts playing on other days of the Fest, I found nothing.  Does any website actually review anything anymore?  So once again, I task myself with the heavy responsibility of reviewing this crap.  After all, it's festival season.  Its the pre-party.  This is Blow....Hamtramck Music Festival.


It was around 6pm when I decided that I wanted to document the first day of the Hamtramck Music Festival.  Maybe I wanted to see all of the new acts promoted at the pre-party or maybe it was just nostalgia for days gone by, where you could wander around a venue and play a drinking game where you do a shot every time you come across Carjack talking about himself.
I hopped in my car and took the freeway to Eureka Rd and then headed east from there.  The road was absolutely terrible and probably took months off the tires on my car.  I was able to hit the movie theater and catch the 7:15 showing of Kingsmen:The Secret Service, a movie that had been on my radar for a while and I had heard nothing but good things about.  Turns out that the word of mouth was correct and I was floored by its cleverness, originality, heart, and gruesomeness. All of the actors did a fantastic job and I was especially drawn to Samual L. Jackson's performance as the villain, a combination of Spike Lee and Mike Tyson.  The previews kind of betrayed this movie painting it as young adult fare but it was most definitely a Hard-R flick.  I highly recommend it as it will probably be cracking my end of the year Top Films list.  
After refilling my popcorn I headed home but decided not to stop for dinner because my appetite always seems to waver after 2 hours of popcorn.  I ended up falling asleep for about an hour on the floor watching the Thunder/Bulls game but woke up in time to catch the Mavs/Blazers double header.  I grabbed a few strawberries from the fridge and powered up Netflix and power-watched 3 episodes of Breaking Bad.  I have been trying to watch the entire series so that I can better appreciate Better Call Saul, which I am watching on a weekly basis in real time.  My Breaking Bad timeline is convoluted because I had only watched the second half of the final season so I know how it ends but am now going back to watch the first four seasons.  Thursday night I was able to catch episodes 7, 8, & 9 which included the introduction of the Eugene Saul Goodman character.  Now I can see why he was such a fan favorite, warranting his own spin off series, and while I am skeptical on the "end game" for the Better Call Saul series, I am happy to be able to be a part of the Breaking Bad universe and play in that sandbox again.  By this time it was 4am and after cleaning out the litter boxes I began to prepare myself for my 3 hours of sleep.  I queued up Wolf of Wall Street, a personal favorite (and previous #1 on my Top Films of the Year list) and I began to slide right around the introduction of Rob Reiner's character.

Keep your eyes peeled for my coverage of Hamtramck Music Festival: Day Two/Friday right here on the only website committed to bringing you the truth.  I have my schedule printed and consulted Hip in Detroit for their take on who I should see.  After spending most of the time advocating seeing as many new bands as possible they proceeded to recommend the same bands that they incessantly promote on their website any other day.  This is Detroit.  This is Hamtramck Music Festival.  This is the onset of mental retardation.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Friday, February 20, 2015

Stay Tuned

We want to wash the stink of the Amino Acids, Hamtramck Music Fest, and everything else about the malaise of the Winter months out of this feed, so stayed tuned and we will be covering things people actually watch and want to see, and Metro will have it up by Monday (which Monday he says not)

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Look in My Eyes, What Do You See

A bunch of has-beens just happy to be.....

Well kudos to the Amino Acids for taking the mantle of the "Hamtramck Music Fest White Knights".  On a poorly written (this is coming from someone who writes on this site) FB post they lobbed a couple of ill-advised grenades (metaphor) at your humble narrators here.  I would link to their page, but don't want to give them a rub so just use Google.  However, we would like to thank them for all of the traffic to this website.  Our shameless advertisers also thank you.  However Wendy Richter is not impressed....

You see, in their (ill-advised) post on FB, The Amino Acids offered to give up their slot on the Hamtramck Music Fest to us, but only if we kill all of our pets.  I'm sure this was meant as some time of....well I don't know what it was meant as.  Was it supposed to be funny?  Satire?  A threat?  I am not sure.  But I am sure that their sycophant followers will "like" the post without even thinking of what they are asking.  Kill animals.... Yes I know, I know moreso than any future commenter, that they were not serious.  I see the T Shirt Guy posting pictures of his dog all the time.  I understand that this was a rare slip in judgement from somebody too old to understand how the internet works.  I mean, I could have reported him many a time for copyright infringement for all of the t-shirt designs that he ripped off to make his own profit, but I took the high road and turned the other cheek.  At worst, I would have advocated he give up his dog to me so that poor animal will have a good life away from somebody who ADVOCATES THE KILLING OF ANIMALS ON FB.  However Dolph Ziggler is not impressed...

My first memory of the Amino Acids was in the early 2000's.  My gf at the time and I were getting out of our car at the Lager House and we saw a bunch of guys putting on white stockings on their heads and giggling in the Lager parking lot.  At the time I had no idea who they were or even who was playing that night.  I just wanted to get laid.  I did!  But no thanks to the Amino Acids.  The Lager was bone dry, empty that night, and we left and I took the gf to a different bar, she got me drunk, and later took advantage of me.  But my first memory of the Amino's was that cluster of giggling guys putting on their stocking, the same stockings they will be using for the Hamtramck Music Fest 14 years from then, getting ready to play for nobody.  Ric Flair is not impressed....

Yes, I get the irony.  We at the JCM have played for empty houses before.  Save it.  We wear it as a badge of honor.  A Detroit band!  The thing is...and it is something I will keep coming back to, is the advocating of animal abuse from the Amino Acids.  I was interrogated by the Hamtramck police because I signed off on blog posts with the word "Pipebomb", a word that had been established as a euphemism for speaking my mind and here we have some old fuckers advocating violent euthanizing of animals in exchange for a slot on a Fest we don't even have the time to play. Well, The Mountie is not impressed...

Now we get to the current state of this post.  The Amino Acids offered us their slot if we kill all of our pets.  However, they stressed we do it during the kickoff on Thursday.  Sooooo, either they are being courteous and giving us/HamFest enough time to readjust the lineup between Thursday and their slot on Saturday, or they are pussies and want to keep us as far away as possible from their slot because anybody who advocates the killing of animals is not a friend in my book and IG Punk is also not impressed...

So that's pretty much that.  Keep on liking the Amino Acids' post about JCM/killing pets/trying to stay relevant. And Doug "Jobber" MacKenzie (charter member of Amino fan club/ he of the constant usage of "butthurt division"), here's a spoiler alert, you were in jail for 8 months because you fucking got caught.  Smarten up.  And get better taste in music....because me and Hulk Cheeto are....not....impressed....

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Official Hamtramck Music Fest Video Premiere

As I have stated in an earlier post, we here at the JCM news desk have issued a moratorium on posts regarding the Hamtramck Music Festival. After being swindled last year by providing the only non-Facebook hype the festival garnered in our Metro Times interview and coverage only to be left off this year in what the bookers said was "an effort to showcase new and upcoming local acts", we can no longer provide any type of recognition for a festival whose only means of promotion is reposting Facebook event pages and cutting together subpar Youtube videos. With that being said, here is the latest promo video for the Hamtramck Music Festival. Don't refresh your browser thinking it is the same as last year's. It pretty much is. First off, let me get it out of the way that we at the JCM HQ love Woodman. He's one of our local favorites, and we will continue to harp on his genuine enthusiasm and love for this city until he also is banned from every local music festival by the likes of the CJohnst's and Eugene Choade's of the world who only exist to profit and expand their brand at the expense of those playing their fests and venues. Oh sorry...the video:

Same as it ever was

Watched it?  Cool.  Okay.  Now, I could make the obvious joke about all of the venues being stark empty and correlate it to the future of the Hamtramck Music Fest now that politics are involved.
Or I could harp on there being no cops there because they are too busy being tied up by fraudulent claims of terrorism by the organizers of the Hamtramck Music Fest against me, claims they knew were false, that took up man hours following up on when their time could have been used better.  Need I remind you of the Metro Times Blowout kidnapping debacle of a few years ago?  But no, let's report Metro becuzzz he said sumthinnn that we dont agweee with...
Or I could point out that the "theme" of this year's Music Fest is to celebrate the up and coming and new bands (once the booker's bands have their slots secured) and their featured video is soundtracked by those upstarts The Hentchmen who have been clawing their way to the top since 1996.

All in all, you're welcome Hamtramck Music Fest for the free publicity because we continue to speak the truth and really aren't afraid about anything.  If I'm not mistaken, this is the only website outside of that is even covering this event.  So, keep up the good work. Pussies


Thursday, February 12, 2015

Facebook Minority Report

This article had its fifteen minutes of fame when it blipped three or four times on my feed. The kid looked familiar enough. I saw him at shows back in the day. He jumped up on stage during an encore and played guitar for a finale. Why didn't they get him then?

It's no secret that Metro recently caught some heat from Hamtramck PD due to a misinterpretation over the titling of a blog post. What an eerie feeling that something expressed in frustration can be misconstrued in such a way that you can end up in court facing a 5 year jail sentence.

Let's be honest here, Eduardo's status update is a pretty serious thing for anyone to write and something not to be taken lightly. However, if you read the article and the chain of events surrounding it, it was a proclamation against the state of the legal system and the constant injustice that occurs. Doesn't it seem like they are swinging the axe without asking the proper questions? Then again, where do you draw the line?

Is this a noveau era of the Red Scare that we are living in where I can report somebody's status I don't agree with and jam them up with the law? It sure seems like it. Is it a matter of being an internet tough guy and running to daddy when the water gets too hot? (Jessie Slaughter/Hellmouth). Perhaps people just need to enact some sort of filter with what they put on the internet; but then idea of free speech is somewhat diminished. Perhaps there has to be a bit more discretion by Johnnie Law before a witch hunt is started.

I don't know the right answer or the solution but I can tell you that I don't want to wind up in the clink for posting some dumb trivial shit on fucking facebook.


Thursday, February 5, 2015

The Retiring of "PipeBomb"

So I woke up this morning (well it was still morning at 10:30 technically) to get a call from the Hamtramck police department inquiring whether or not I made terrorist threats at the Hamtramck Music Festival because of my use of the term "Pipebomb" in my post about the hypocrisy of this year's Hamtramck Music Festival.  Yes, this really happened.

You see, they thought that "pipebomb" was a terrorist threat.  It is not.  We have used that term for almost 3 years in posts where we just speak the truth.  We have never provoked violence against any single thing.  All we do is speak the truth.  And well, this time the truth seemed to have struck a nerve with some pussy affiliated with the Hamtramck Music Fest.

Let me take this time to address that person, may I call you Pussy?  Okay Pussy, thank you for going out of your way to report the JCM as terrorists and a threat to a music festival that nobody will see outside of the bands and their friends playing it.  We at the JCM really appreciate the additional views on our website from the police that you have provided.  However, I doubt those same eyes will be on the Hamtramck Music Fest because, well, as I said in a previous Pipeb....errrr post, nobody outside of the bands playing really cares.

Let me take this time to state that last year, the JCM went out of their way before the show, during the show, and after the show to promote the Hamtramck Music Fest as a viable alternative to local music festivals and yet because of politics, you shit on it, shut us out, and are now the exact same thing as Blowout.

I really love the generic copy and pasted posts about the bands playing.  Blowout.

I really like how the bookers are stressing "new and unknown talent" yet find the time to book their own bands.  Blowout..

So to conclude, we at the JCM do not wish any type of violence on anybody, nor have we ever in our tenure as the "Voice of the Voiceless" of the Detroit Music Scene.  In fact we encourage everybody to be healthy and take care of themselves.  If we didn't care we wouldn't harp on the continuous "Size 12" posts.  You can always be healthier, look younger.

And finally, as promised to the Hamtramck police force, we will no longer use the term "pipebomb" in any of our posts as it can be misconstrued as being something that it is not.  All we want to do is make sure everybody has a fun time and is entertained.  Something that the Hamtramck Music Fest is dropping the ball on.

Creature Feature, Creature Feature, Creature Feature

Bryan Metro


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