Out now on Checkers Records Collective, the new LP by JCM, "The Fall of Bryan Metro".

Listen To This Now!!!!

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Justin Felix-Pop-up Post

*Update*-  I was emotional because this doofus posted my mom's address last night when I wrote this post, and broke one of my two rules I have with the blog.  One does not post personal information.  I have removed the personal information and apologize to the Constant Readers for the lack of integrity, something I actually pride myself on, believe it or not. (By the way, the 2nd rule is: Never go back and correct grammatical/spelling errors).  I want to clarify that I did this on my own, and could give a fuck about being banned from FB, reported, or any other crying.  Which by the way, my Facebook post where I revealed his address (which I posted as a reply to him revealing my mom's address) was reported to FB for violation of their guidelines.  What a pussy.  So I'll take the high ground and remove any personal information, apologize to my Constant Readers, and move on to the next article.  I will not retract that Justin Felix is a waste of space, Tracey Slayer is possibly retarded, Electric Six is fleecing their entire fanbase for personal profit via Kickstarter, and I am still pushing for Marvelous Movado to finally get a win.  See you March 21st!!

So, I guess everybody is pissed off about me calling out Electric Six for having the gall to post a $50,000 Kickstarter for a 2 cd release when one of their members is in opiate rehab, another popping out a second kid, another (actually the first guy) being looked into for sexual harassment.  ANYWAY, they want you to forget about all that, because their Kickstarter is going strong and they are being defended on social media by people like Justin Felix and Tracey Slayer.  Justin may or not be a bouncer at Smalls and Tracey is his GF so of course it would make sense they were on the same page. Here is Justin's page.... (removed) I guess Justin plays with a Ghost knock off band called (that I can't be bothered to type here).  So he posted a five month address for me that is innaccurate.  That ticked me off because it is my mom's address and I don't live there. So for payback: (removed)

So I guess guess Justin is related to the Marvelous Vovado ( which is great because his first insult was wrestling related).  Last time I saw Movado was at a VFW hall and he tried to sell me a lucha mask for $20, so I guess the "cash grab" runs in the family. And Justin is "attached" to Tracey.  Nah, no agenda here.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Friday, November 17, 2017

Electric Six vs. Bryan Metro-Facist Update

Hey all, Metro here.  The original post is still below for context purposes......
So this was just posted on the Electric Six $50,000 cash grab Small's event page...

Now I have no idea who that could be referring to..... Maybe the guy who just wants them to say where all the money is going.  That's all.  Simple.  What puts a huge smile on my face is the fact that it has been acknowledged that there are people out there who are on to this scam. That is victory enough. However, that is not good enough for me.  I want more. All I want is where the money is going.  SO (thanks to friends for suggestions) here are my options:

1- Still go to the show and be denied entry, maybe offered a refund, but knowing Electric Six they are tight with their money.  Get the usual excuse "We reserve the right to deny anybody entry." 

2- Still go to the show, but utilize a disguise since the tickets aren't in my name.  Possibly do-able but still risky. Small's staff, I'll even help you out here.  My name is Robert Staroscik Jr.  THIS is the ID you need to be checking for.

3- Transfer my tickets to a proxy who would attend in my place along with the questions (and poster boards) I plan on bringing along with super secret camera crew. *Spoiler alert- this has already happened.

4. Still go to the show and parlay it with #3 as I have already acquired a standing ticket also because everybody checking tickets will be looking for the first two row tickets.

The options are endless actually, and it's so exciting to guess which one would happen.  I'm just flattered. However, I NEED so much more. I mean zero physical harm.  I just want to know how 2 cd's cost $50,000. Anyway here are some spoiler alerts for the posters my proxy will be bringing along with secret camera crew. This followed by the original post that got me (not really) banned

Hey all Metro here.
So as the Constant Readers know I have been on a kick lately about the local act Electric Six and their insulting Kickstarter campaign.  To recap, I find it disgusting that their goal is $50,000 for two fucking cd's that I could make in my basement.  Yes, there are cutesy rewards and stuff, but the need for $50,000????? What????  Where is the money actually going? (More on that in a minute).

I think it is completely insulting to everybody who clocks in every day and may not make $50,000 in a YEAR that these guys have the audacity to beg for $50,000 for two cd's of covers and pre-released music.  Fucking disgusting. So, since I am an advocate of the people, the voice of the voiceless if you will, I was on top of it when they released tickets for the Live/Acoustic show at Smalls next March.  This is the show they are hawking for the Kickstarter.  Tickets are/were $15 for standing and $20 for seating in the first two rows.  Any of the Constant Readers can predict what I scooped up.

Ya got it! First two rows.  Who else other than Bryan Metro to get to the bottom of where the money is actually going? A delightful opportunity!  Keep in mind that this is Electric Six's 13th Kickstarter (estimate) in the past two years and they always coincide with a European tour.  Nothing to see there... And oh look, the Kickstarter ends in December and the Euro tour is in February. Nothing to see there.  Oh and the Smalls show is charging $15-20 per ticket.  I get it that some of the cash will go to the venue but what about the rest?  Surly enough to market 2 cd's.  Noting to see there.

My point is that Metro, me,  has a ticket for the first two rows (and a sneaky camera crew in waiting), and you can bet he will try to find out where all this money is actually going to. A member of the band/venue (cough cough) said my presence was not welcome and I would need an ID to get in.  My reply, "Like I give a fuck".  One thing I do promise is that because they are recording the show for a cd release I will not audibly disrupt the show in any way.  That would be a dick move for sure; not as dickish as fleecing your fans for 50k, but still a dick move.  I may have a few signs, but those won't show up on the audio mix.  Before and after, I offer no promises other than trying to find out where 50 fucking thousand dollars is going to.
Last time I tried to find out what the Kickstarter money was being used for Dick Valentine spent the entire set on the opposite side of the stage neglecting half the audience.  This time should be even better. In fact I bet $50,000 it will be.

Hamtramck......we're coming.
Bryan Metro

Garbage Post-Electric Six

Local music irrelevants Electric Six have just updated their Kickstarter to $50,000.  That is not a type-o.... $50,000 and if it hits it, the "reward" is picking more songs for the Xmas record.
I swear, anybody I know that has contributed to this is no longer a friend of mine.  Businesses around town are facing losing their leases and local bands that care are personally financing out of town tours, and these geezers are asking for $50,000 for two basically DIY cd's?????  Where is the bulk of the money going?  Dick Valentine's new spawn?  Chris Tait's rehab/sex offender coverage?  John Nash's hair plugs?

Fuck it, for $500 (the cost of bail) I will personally hug any member of Electric Six of your choosing.  And for free, I will show up to their next show (with camera crew) and ask them where the $50,000 went to.  You know I will too.  Pussy Valentine avoided me their entire Blowout show.  PLEASE do not contribute to this...

From the Iceman Commeth,

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Metro Reviews Little Caesars Arena

   Hey all, Metro here.  I meant to have this up sooner, but wanted to attend varying events at the new arena, and now that the local music scene has grinded to its traditional November halt, I figured that now would be a good time to do so.

   Let me start by saying I am going to stay out of the whole partially funded by tax dollars/Kid Rock opening controversies.  I know.... "Metro staying out of controversy??", but it has been covered extensively by Ferndale-based Metro Times (and yes, I know they are moving back to Detroit, partially funded by hydroponic ads).  I'm here to review the actual arena and experience with no bias or anything to gain.  I'm indifferent regarding the taxpayer situation.  When I lived in Detroit my city taxes went.... well, I don't know where, and as for Kid Rock opening it, the same geezers who complained about the WWE being the last event at the Joe Louis Arena instead of the Wings (The JLA remained open until July and the Wings didn't sniff the playoffs) are probably the same geezers who complained that the Wings didn't open the new arena and probably the same geezers who complained that the Tigers benched Hank Greenberg for the first game at Comerica Park.  Most Wings fans are almost as insufferable as U of M fans when it comes to the concept of "tradition" (feel free to insert any other college there as you see fit).  The bottom line is, and always will be, money and butts in seats equals more money (more on that in a bit).

   Anyway, this revue turned bloated in record time, so let's get back on track.  Initiate "Humble Brag Level 14 mode".  So far, I have willingly been to a concert (McCartney), a WWE pay per view (Hell in a Cell), and a Red Wings game (a win) at the new arena, with a UFC PPV (218), a Pistons game (vs. Boston/JCM jersey retirement night), a U of M and Michigan State college basketball game (vs. Oakland and U of D Mercy respectively), and a WWE house show coming up in December.  Now the cynical Constant Reader may think that I'm just rubbing it in how my life is so much more interesting than yours (spoiler alert: it is), but I listed all of the events to illustrate the variety of events being held at the new arena, which leads us to......

The Good

Variety-  Hockey, basketball, wrestling/MMA, and concerts are not too shabby.  You could say that other venues could facilitate the same events (Winter Classic at Comerica Park was tooooo sweeeeet!), but the difference is that the sheen is still on Little Caesars Arena.  LCA is like the latest starlet on Brett Ratner's casting couch, or on a local level, Lee Majors' latest favoritist band, "The No-Girls Club" (sorry Ill Itches).
As with every new arena across the country (most, to all, also funded by tax dollars in response to anybody reading from the Detroit Inferiority Crew; see previous posts for the definition of that), every big name wants to be a part of that sheen (insert Corey Haim reference).  Look at its brief history.  Kid Rock booked what seemed like 14 shows there when it opened.  They hosted McCartney in what would be called an "intimate venue" for him.  In 2018, they are hosting two rounds of NCAA March Madness, plus even more marquee concerts such as the 1st ELO show in Detroit since 1981.  Even Wrestlemania 2019 is being rumored to take place in Detroit (at Ford Field) with all the extra events for that week taking place at the new arena and its sheen.  Sure, other venues could host these events, but it is that new car smell (and maybe some greased palms) that brought them here.  It reminds me of when Ford Field opened and Kwame Kilpatrick did what I saw as the best thing for the city in his tenure, bringing the MLB All Star Game, the Super Bowl, and Wrestlemania 23 all to Detroit within a few years.  Sure, at the expense of the citizens of Detroit, money was exchanged, bribes were conducted, maybe even a few murders, but dammit, as a casual fan I wasn't going to complain.  As the popular idiom says, you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs.  Then again I could be wrong and Jay Z could play at Kelley's in Hamtramck (Caveman and Bam Bam contractually obligated to open).

Location- Ferndale is gonna be so pissed....  As much as the Metro Times wants to believe that the "District Detroit" is not a thing, well it is, and its not as bad as they want you to think it is, even though they maintain that it's not really a thing.  If that last sentence scrambled your brain, try reading the Metro Times these days (2007-2017).  The new arena is smack dab in the middle of everything with a decent amount of parking (more on that later).  I can't wait for the chance to go to a 1pm Lions game, walk across the street to a 4:30pm Tigers game, and finally catch a John Mayer show at LCA for an 8pm nightcap, all while on a four day crystal meth binge.

The Building-  To be Ryan Allen, aka short, it is a Delightful building.  The first time I attended an event there and toured the concourse I called it that "New Yankee Stadium had a baby with a shopping mall", and I stand by that, for better or worse. I really didn't have a problem with it.  There are numerous unique restaurants (maybe even too many), but since I don't eat I can't vouch for the quality of the food, although the beer selection is decent at most of them.  That I can vouch for, and traditional concession stands are always within arms length. So far, the events I attended, I did so in the upper bowl (humble brag revoked), but I was relieved to not experience the dreaded Joe Louis Arena upper bowl vertigo caused by the narrow aisles and crumbling concrete steps.  Truth be told, I only attended one event in the lower bowl at the old JLA, the very first Monday Night Raw where I was upgraded to front row because I was dressed as the Undertaker and even had future Hall of Famer Sunny call me Howard Stern.  I did have the last laugh a decade later winning a Detroit Music Award while she became a drug addict and had to turn to pornography even though her physical state would better qualify her to write a local blog about everything in Detroit that is Hip. Sorry, tangent.... The bathrooms at the new arena were pristine, but I was disappointed they didn't retain the infamous steel urinal troughs. 

The Not-So Good

The Building-  Okay...... the Portals suck.  For those who don't know, the Portals is LCA's way of designating which entrance to use to get to your section.  Fucking dumb, and unnecessary.  Plus, if you get tickets on the secondary market (more on that in a minute) sometimes the Portals aren't even on the ticket.  And, once you are through, the sections aren't even marked in the arena, just the rows.  Its like they almost want you to give up and go back to the food court.  Allow an extra 30 minutes to find your seat.  I also didn't like to have to walk a quarter of the arena to find stair/escalator to get to the upper level. Another gripe is the outdoor pavilion.  It is a decent idea on paper with multiple pop-up food/beer tents and a big screen but considering that the two teams attached to the venue play predominantly in the Winter months in the state of Michigan, I don't want to be freezing my ass off waiting to get in.  Finally, I was disappointed they didn't retain the infamous steel urinal troughs in the bathrooms.

The Parking-  Parking at the new arena is plentiful, but be warned, they are out for blood.  For the WWE PPV, they encouraged us to buy in advance because of the Lions game taking place the same day.  We used the official garage for $25.  When we got to the arena the garage was at $20.  I know that it's only a $5 difference, the amount you'd pay to see Jay Z at Kelley's Hamtramck, but it did raise an eyebrow.  For the Wings game, the price was up to $40.  That plays a factor in the winter months.  Do your research beforehand.

Prices-  This would be my chief complaint.  I can deal with paying for parking and relish the opportunity to piss next to a fellow man in a silver urinal trough (RIP), but the prices for events at the new arena are sketchy.  I expect this to be corrected within the next year, but the cost for lower bowl seats are out of the price range for the target audience, the casual fans.  People have pointed out the numerous empty seats (Metro Times' journalist observation: "The seats are red"), and I think it's half because of inflated prices/fees, and half the quality of the product (Wings, I'm looking at you).  I get most of my tickets through the secondary market: Stubhub, scalpers, prostitute, and even they are so high I get relegated to the upper bowl.  I did have a debate with a Constant Reader who was laughing that Kid Rock tickets were still available the day of the show.  I then had to explain the difference between a visual sellout and an actual sellout.  The tickets he saw were on the secondary market, thus already paid for, while the official site only had single seat tickets remaining, and if I'm going to a Kid Rock concert in 2017 with my crew, looking to get our fuck on, I don't want to be sitting by myself.  I need that positive encouragement.  My point is, that even the secondary market is high because the brokers that initially bought the tickets thinking "profit/demand" are trying to recoup as much as possible.  I see the prices (especially the lower level) dropping within a year.  The powers that be overestimated the demand for Year One, and that is why seats are empty, not because of any protests.  Plus, they crave that visual sell out.

   So that's my humble review of the new arena, a modest four page (longform) post that used more brain cells than Milo, Hip in Detroit, and Metro Times combined.  Final verdict-  Don't let the fact that I closed with the negatives deter you.  Go check it out, and form your own opinion.  Even though it's 2017, it's not a crime to have fun while making people rich.  Or you can stick with Jeopardy at Kelley's Hamtramck.  Like I give a fuck.  Nothing to gain; nothing to lose.  And fuck that pedo John Sinclair (sorry residual anger).

From the Iceman Commeth
Bryan Metro

Monday, November 13, 2017

Review of Jett Blast Fest (and my weekend)

Metro here.  The title of this post wasn't a statement, but rather a question.  Are there any?  I made a minor effort to seek out reviews of the Fest and/or pictures and really didn't have a lot of luck.  So do local sites/journalists even do reviews anymore?  I know people like Milo make a half-assed effort to plug the shows but do they even go to them, and write a review?  Based on my preview, I decided not to attend because none of the acts really did anything for me, but I am stunned on the lack of follow-up.  It would be nice to see bands actually thank the people who came out on their social media, but nope, it's in the rear view and its on to the next show 20 people will go to.

I am so disappointed in the level of coverage today in the local music scene.  The most publicity a band gets is usually when I make fun of them here (you know its true).  I woke up today expecting to see a bunch of photos from the Fest, maybe a brief review of each band that played, photos of John Sinclair lumbering around the stage like Louie Anderson on the set of Family Feud wishing it was 1969 again and everybody was 16.  But I saw pretty much nothing.  I actually found it striking (or Stirling) that the most photos I saw from the Fest were of White Shag who played on Saturday, and was the one band that was not promoted by the Fest in any way because everything is kosher, everything is happy.
I really want to know how Sinclair did.  I mean, according to grand master level 17 journalist Milo, he is a "veteran music innovator".  But to be honest, I don't even know if he even played.  And if he did play, how many people in the "crowd" looked at each other and said "This is John Sinclair?  This is god awful." before the polite applause.
So anyway that's my review of the Jett Pizza Fest that I wasn't able to go to.  Local music coverage sucks.  I can't do everything.

However, I was able to make the John Carpenter show at the Majestic, Friday, before the car issues and it was a blast.  It was a multimedia type thing and Carpenter had a full band and as he played nearly every score from his films they projected highlights on a screen behind them.  I actually brought out the vintage "Metro Squeal" when they did "Prince of Darkness".  It really was one of the best shows I've seen this year. Escape From New York, Christine, They Live, Halloween, Big Trouble, The Thing, and even unused originals.

Also, I am pleased to say that the Save The Rockery event was a delightful success, raising a cup a thousand dollars for a local downriver business that received ZERO coverage from so-called local media.  That's not too shabby.  And, even better, the money has already been transferred to the business. Ben's Encore is gonna be so pissed.

So that's my half-assed Monday post.  It'll probably be a long winter and then it'll be spring Fest season where the lone highlight would be Third Man Records trying to recoup their losses from the Craig Brown Band.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Thursday, November 9, 2017

This is 2017 Local Journalism....This....

Disclaimer, I like the Jett Records kid, and I admire his moxie.  Everything else will be discussed.....now.

Okay, an extra surly Metro here who has to get a new prescription for my glasses because of all the eye rolling after reading the latest Free Press puff piece on the Jett Blast Fest that was posted today.  Out of diminishing respect I will leave out the name of who wrote the article, but Constant Readers can find it easily enough.  Oh, so here is the link! Journalism in 2017!!
I will wait until you navigate through the 20+ pop-up ads and actually read the article...

Anyway, back to the title of this post.... THIS is Local journalism in 2017??? Okay, I understand the need to tow the company line and paint everything in Detroit these days (aside from the new arena) in a positive light and ruffle zero feathers as possible in these crazy days, but c'mon man.  This is what makes me so much damn fun.  I report to nobody except to my advocate and my cats.  The freedom of not giving a fuck about promoting a brand, album release, etc is so amazing.
Back to the Freep puff piece, yeah it's pretty bad. It is like the writer said, "Just give me a bunch of points to hit and I'll grab my thesaurus" Bad!  It starts off with this doozy: "It is time, perhaps (Okay stop already.  Who says perhaps anymore?), to stop taking special note of the age of music entrepreneur Jarrett Koral."  Okay, that seems fair enough, but in the VERY NEXT SENTENCE the journalist..... ok, one sec......

Okay, I'm back.  But in the VERY NEXT SENTENCE, they referenced the age of the record kid. I'm not making it up.  Not only that, I had my assistant Jean count all of the age references in the full article. 23!!!!! It's like these fake journalists are fucking with me.  23!!  It is time, perhaps, to find another angle to promote the Fest/your article.  By the way, for anybody counting age references to dispute 23, age is very subjective around these parts these days (more on that in a minute).

   Next line of note is "Koral attracted (poor choice of words Mil...errr Freep) vast amounts of publicity two years ago when he released projects featuring eccentrics like Macaulay Culkin and Corey Feldman."  Soooo, being molested as a minor qualifies you as being "eccentric"?  To whoever is really pulling the strings at the label, I would give them this advice:  Don't reference those dudes in this day and age because it just draws the attention that you don't want.  Also, I would double down and parlay that advice to: No more references to White Shag being on the record label.  Actually, they have done a decent job with that second one.
   That leads us (and by "us", I mean people who actually care about what is really going on these days) with the question, who is really pulling the strings at Jett Plastic Records?  Full disclosure:  I like the kid.  He is very likable, and I like most of his taste in music.  I would love to sit down for a full, real interview without any handlers one day.  However, I'm also on record saying I could care less about the character of the people behind the Wizard of Oz curtain.
   Looking at the Freep's listing of only six of the 18+ bands playing gives us a few clues....
Black Merde- Nostalgia act.  Only minority on the bill.  Check!
Rocket 455-  Garage rock legends.  More on this in a bit.
John Sinclair- According to Freep-Veteran Music Innovator. Ummmm okay. Scumbag.
Troy Gregory- I like Troy.
And now we come to the Freep proclamation "the new school of local rock": The Idiot Kids and The Ill Itches (who by the way haven't played a show in nearly two years....new school indeed doofus). Ahhhhhh so, now it all comes together.  How many palms (or other areas) were greased for that plug Freep?  I know the writer is a little out of the age range but I'm guessing....23? I jest of course.

   Also, I want to note that Rocket 455, one of the six out of 18+ advertised in this article dropped out two days before the article was posted (Thursday at 7am).  The Lager House Facebook is still promoting them and when I commented that they dropped out they responded with a sad face emoji, yet still never edited the page.  So Lager and the Freep are knowingly advertising bands that will not be there fully knowing that important detail.  Also hilarious is that they are not promoting a band that will be playing...cough....cough.....
     At this point, the article devolved into a vapid interview which is expected from the Freep that covered all the bases but put me to sleep.  Read it if you want, the link is up there.  My favorite quote: "It can seem like an unrewarding task to put out these local record (sic)."  Ummmm ouch to the local records, followed by, "If it ever gets boring, I'll quit."  Well color me suicidal.
But back to the terrible Freep article, if this is local journalism in 2017, then count me out. 23 references contradicting the first line??  Turning a cheek and ignoring the seedy underbelly of local music right in front of your eyes??  False advertising of the lineup??  Zero legit questions??  Not promoting bands because of fear of backlash??  Yeah, this is Detroit "journalism" in 2017.  Way to go Jeffrey Milo (there I said it), and fuck off Freep and Follow the Buzzards...

Also, don't forget to help Save the Rockery in Wyandotte this Friday.  I made the poster, so if you want a shot at the title, you know where to find me.

Bryan Metro

Save the Rockery- Live Blogging

"I told you so!  I told you so!  There was nothing that could be done!"

     Amy is in typical Thursday hysterics, worse than usual, and her meds don't seem to be kicking in even though it is four in the afternoon and she has been awake for three damn hours already and a chill washes over me as I realize that I am the only person actually paying attention to her ranting which is more of a mistake on my part rather than her not upping whatever anxiety prescription she is on this week and me, Trent, Scott, Matt, and Hysterical Amy are all laying out by the pool at the house by the beach and it is Thursday in Los Angeles and 77 degrees.  I have no idea if anybody else is at the pool because, unlike Hysterical Amy, my meds have already kicked in and it is physically impossible for me to turn my head to look over to the other side of the pool although based on history there are probably a multitude of assorted hanger-on's there like Finn from the Equinox gym, Polly from the liquor store down the street, Hodge who is trying to get his big break in the gay porn industry, Honch who has an in for the gay porn industry, and Oakley.
   "Hey Bryan, your phone is buzzing," a voice says from the other side of the pool.  I think it might be Clancy who writes for an online blog that emphasizes the importance of debunking conspiracy theories via alternate conspiracy theories.  I try to reach for my phone, but fall asleep instead.

     I wake up to the exact same scene (I actually hear the director say "Take Two!") after who knows how long, but the sun is still out and it is still 77 degrees out, I think.  A terror washes over me as I contemplate that it could actually be a different day, but my phone confirms that it is still Thursday and the temperature is still 77 degrees and I'm just happy to be alive.  I must not have been out for long because Hysterical Amy is still raving about the current mass shooting crisis in the United States and I notice that her cadence is slowing which means that her meds are finally kicking in and Matt is reading a newspaper with the headline in bold caps "LUCKY TO BE ALIVE".
     The mass shootings across the country have been a hot topic at the house by the beach for the past few months.  Hysterical Amy and Scott have been the most vocal about regulating gun laws with Amy due to her increasing weekly paranoia, and Scott because his cousin Petey, who worked as the head waiter at Providence, was killed during the Las Vegas shootings, although the police have re-opened the case and are now calling it a suicide.  Last weekend, Scott had a (very attractive) gun control advocate named Katey, or Kate, who worked at an organic food market over at the house by the beach and tried to lobby her for a casual trist using the gun control angle which the rest of us laughed off because it is common knowledge that Scott has at least seven to nine automatic weapons stashed in his room.  Scott is now a full-blown drug addict who has lost all of his pull in the lower-tier Hollywood scene and spends every day using Reddit as a dating site for gun control freaks.

   "Bryan, your phone is buzzing again," Clancy says, and I ignore him, it.  My attention is now focused on Trent, who is uncharacteristically laying by the pool on a towel instead of his usual lounge chair.  I can't tell if he is asleep or in a lucid state, but he is squriming around the patio, clawing at the bandage on his right arm.  Earlier this year, Trent got a "Trump 2018" tattoo there and after the obvious was pointed out, he has been receiving painful laser removal treatments.  He has decided to keep the eagle as a compromise.  I am now confident that he is finally asleep, yet he manages to still tear off the bandage and claw at his arm causing a stream of blood to drip into the pool.  This causes the house alarm system to activate along with the sirens and everybody at the pool leaps up, led by Hysterical Amy, and rushes into the house. Oakley grabbed Trent and made it in just as the recently installed hydraulic metal pool cover started moving and the shutters at all the lower level house windows dropped.  Before my line of sight was blocked, I saw that the water in the pool had already started to boil.

     To recap: The pool at the house by the beach very well could be haunted, and if so, very well could have a taste for blood.  It all started a few years ago with a pool boy and an unconfirmed earthquake where the poolboy met a terrible end that Scott had to cover for because the rest of us had already booked vacation plans and this incident may have triggered some type of entity to awake. Since that incident, I have had to fish out hundreds of birds and sometimes even geese every morning (aside from Fridays) from the pool.  One time, last year, Candid Calvin, who works at the only record store left in L.A., came over with his dog, a terrier I think, and while the candid one, myself, Amy, and Matt were having our pre-arranged orgy, the pool must have snatched the dog and yanked out every hair.  The hair was neatly arranged at the surface of the pool to spell out "Eat It!" (yes, the exclamation point was included), and we never found the actual body of poor Baxter.  This was the last straw as Trent contacted his dad who is currently in Iraq working for the defense contractor KPG and had the pool and house modified with the failsafes used today.

   "I can't believe it.  Another Spacey story has dropped," Matt says, though with not the amount of anger I would expect, more of a sense of longing.  This has been the second topic of note these days at the house by the beach. My showbiz contact Lance has attempted suicide four separate times, which the doctors at Pacific Alliance Medical Center have confirmed as a record, which ironically improved his disposition and back on the road to recovery. Even Trent was taken aback by it saying "Jesus, all he did was deliver Spielberg's mail." As I wait for the swimming pool with a taste for blood to calm down and return to being dormant, I contemplate how awful everything is these days.  After about 10 seconds, I snap back to reality.

   "Bryan, your phone is buzzing," this time from Trent, who is fully awake now and I realize that Clancy never made it into the house before the defense mechanisms closed it down.  He very well could have been in the pool as the steel cover was activated, the stupid bastard.  No care to me though.  Friday's are Matt's pool duty days.  I finally check my phone and it is a message from back home from Flip and Dusty asking if we could make it for a benefit at the Rockery in Wyandotte.  I said, "Sure."
   "No fucking way.  Michigan in November?" Trent, fully awake.
   "I have enough miles for first class," Matt, in for the save.
   "Okay," Trent, after a pregnant pause he milked for a bit too long.

     We get to LAX completely inebriated (of course) and thankfully didn't have to pay for parking (or drive) because our neighbor down the road Billy, who says he works for Google but I have never seen outside of his house, dropped us off.  Before we can even board the plane, Scott is detained by airport security.  Apparently, he decided to bring one of his automatic weapons in his checked luggage.  As he is dragged away yelling generic threats such as "You'll pay for this", "I'm just trying to help", and "It's all just a misunderstanding.  I was drunk and don't remember, and if I did I apologize", we all board the plane without incident and maybe even slap a high five on the way.  I fall asleep.

     I wake up to absolute pandemonium as the airplane staff attempt to stabilize Trent who seems to have lost his mind (after the fact he blamed a bad dream and his mother), and has ripped off the remaining bandages covering the "Trump 2018" tattoo and is tearing open his bicep, using his mouth at times, spraying a shower of gore into the aisle seats.  Sensing defeat, he focuses his attention on aiming the trajectory of the blood flow into the faces of the airplane crew. I adjust in my seat because the meds are kicking in and realize that Hysterical Amy never made it on the plane and that we have may have left her at the house by the beach.  Scott is most likely in jail by this point, Matt is asleep probably because he lifted Hysterical Amy's meds and is murmuring about an audition with Bryan Singer, and Trent is most likely a Section 8 until his dad gets back from Iraq.

     After landing in Michigan we eventually made it to the Rockery for the benefit and ran in to some people who

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Monday, November 6, 2017

Latest Sham Around Town-Electric 6 (again)

Hey all, Metro here.  I hate posting another post so soon after what I call an "effort" post, but this really got under my skin.  So I highly encourage you to visit my Jett Fest Plastic Rockery post from yesterday here if you haven't seen it yet:  Fiddle About 
But when you think of the holiday season you think of crisp snowy drifts, festivals of lights, Bing and Bowie, Christmas trees, egg nog, and Oscar-bait movies.  What doesn't come to mind is yet another Electric Six Kickstarter.  Well, to them it does.  I didn't bother to click beyond the description, but I guess it is "supposed" to, but not really, fund a two disc release that absolutely nobody has been asking for: a holiday album (zzzzzz) and an acoustic live recording. Important to note....zero original, new material.
Now I can get you a live recording.  You want a live recording?  I can get you a live recording by 3 o'clock dude. So this got me thinking, and I went through the archives here on the Lavender Blog, and I found this post from this past April.  You can read it here:  The Fix is In!

If you didn't read the post or clicked, here is a brief recap:  I noted in April of 2017 that Electric Six bumped the "annual" overseas vacation....errrr tour to early 2018 due to somebody's somebody popping out a kid.  I then (correctly) predicted that they would have another Kickstarter by the end of the year because of the kid and impending Euro tour.  Coincidence??? Maybe...but who are we kidding?....nahhhhhh.  This whole Kickstarter stinks and for the people who have already donated to this shit show....well you deserve it.  This stinks more than their last 4/5 records.  And before somebody comes up with the whole "But the rewards!!" excuse, all I can say is, Spare Me.  "But it enhances the quality of the record".... Spare Me.  The geezers in The Meatmen used that angle years ago. Re-reading the old link and their excuse to postpone their Euro vacation/tour, and offer to fight anybody at a mutually agreed on venue, only to block me is laughable.  That caveat was obviously included to rile me up.  I have no desire to fight anybody.  I just want the general public to realize they're being taken for a ride. One more time....YOU ARE BEING TAKEN FOR A RIDE.

However, since it is the holidays, I won't be a scrooge and will step it up...
I have created a separate independent GoFundMe in tribute to Electric Six and their tiredless hours spent setting up Kickstarters.  For legality reasons, I had to switch up some verbiage, but you'll get the point.  The main reward for all donors will be an exclusive JCM single, the first in years, "I Trusted You".  But since I can record this in a make-shift storage studio, all monies will go to winter animal shelters. That part is not satire.  All monies will go to help animals this winter.

If you wish to donate to the JCM/High Voltage Nine animal fund here is the link: No kid/Euro Tour
It very well could be pulled within a day so I will transcribe you the page.  Keep in mind that I am serious about donating all money to local animal shelters, and like my birthday fundraiser, I am happy to provide visual proof where the money went.  By the way, where is the proof where all of E 6's money went?  I know they don't have to say where it went, but it makes one think.... Fuckers. No wonder they call their fans Crazies. Here is the animal shelter GoFundMe transcription:

The JCM/High Voltage Nine CD Single

Hello all.  Having been inspired by the terrible turn of events forcing a beloved local Detroit (by way of Brooklyn) band having to postpone a European tour because of a child, we at the JCM are intent on righting the wrongs.  So, we have decided to come out of retirement and release a tribute CD single in honor of all those local bands that need the extra push so they can travel to Europe.  And we cannot make this happen without YOU!, our fans.  The first JCM single in years, "I Trusted You", will be released this holiday season, and YOU can help make it happen. This is a real DIY type of thing and really won't take long to record, mix, and release (def. not late 2018), so any and all extra money will be donated to local animal shelters.  So this is a win/win and all of it is inspired by a local band going through serious financial struggles, the Electric Six.  Thank you Electric Six.

$5- A physical copy of the JCM single "I Trusted You".  No digital download bullshit here.

$10- This reward includes membership in the JCM fan club with many perks (6 months) plus the CD single.

$15- Bryan Metro will mention you on the blog in a negative way, thus increasing your local cache thousandfold.  Plus all of the above.

$20- Bryan Metro will host/MC an event for your band/bar/blog of your choosing.

$25- This will provide diapers for local musicians struggling through financial hardship.  Plus the CD single and membership.

$30- This will include a personal note of thanks from Bryan Metro for helping support a local musician going through financial hardship go to Europe.

$50- A karaoke night with Bryan Metro.  I pick the venue, you pick the day. Plus the cd and membership.

$100- This is for an exclusive autographed Tyler Valentine xeroxed photo.  Plus CD single and membership.  (Autograph by Bryan Metro).  Limit 1.

$500- Wrestling with Metro!  One ticket plus adult beverages to attend a WWE event with Bryan Metro.  Live blogging optional. CD single/membersip included.

$1000- The DMA! The donor gets the 2009 Detroit Music Award for JCM as Best Electronic Band in Detroit.  Limit 1 (unfortunately)....

So that's what I got for now.  The CD will be very cost efficient, so the money will be going to the animals in need.  If you think that this is a joke or scam, then fine.  Use your disposable income to support local musicians who used their hard earned money and sweat to put out music this year without having to ask for handouts (twice).  There are so many out there, including the Jett Plastic crew who I just roasted yesterday, that could use your dollars more than spoiled has-beens looking to finance a vacation. I spoke to somebody in the local music scene, anonymously, who said they busted their asses to make their latest record (on vinyl and digital, the vinyl being the costly part), and they said they made their record "using our own bank accounts", and goddamn, is that not admirable.  I was planning on listing a bunch of local bands that self-funded and released original music this year without the crutch of a Kickstarter, but knowing the haters, it would do more harm than good.  So check your social media timelines.  Just because I may find the music insufferable doesn't mean they didn't put effort into it, and hey, maybe you might like it.  But whatever you do, Do NOT Support that Electric Six Kickstarter.  And don't feel guilty about not supporting it.  I may cook up another GoFundMe early next year.  This one, instead of benefiting animal shelters, will benefit previous members of Electric Six who are no longer in the band, along with current members of the band that may go "bye bye".  I can see the rewards now.....

$400- For hairplugs for the dude from Johnny Headband

$15000- For a decent recording studio for Zach "Lettercamp" Shippts

$100 (per month)- Communal Bridge Card for surviving members of the Wildbunch.

$40- Salon haircut for Na$h.  Just ask for the Eugene Strobe/Gabe Dobson Special.

$5- A drink for Tait.  The biggest bargain of the rewards. Cost efficient, plus it looks like he could use one...

Alright, I'm wrapping this up.  Once again, do not support this Electric Six cash grab.  Give to local artists who bust their ass, or use the animal shelter GoFundMe link here:Go animals! 

And follow the buzzards......
Bryan Metro

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Preview of Jetts Pizza Fest

Hey all, Metro here.  Now the end of the year is usually a dull time for local music Fests.  Everybody is usually gassed from seeing the same bands over and over at Hamtramck Tax Fest, Hamtramck Labor Day Fest, and all the other Fests I can't remember/blocked out/were cancelled.  With 2017 shaping up to be the dullest year for local music since 2016, this year is no exception.  This is why I wait until Wrestlemania season to get kicked off a bill.

However, this November brings us the 1st annual (I hate when they do that) Jett Blast Plastic Fest.  It is a two day "Fest" Nov. 10th and 11th someplace in Corktown hosted by Jett Plastic Records, a locally run front....sorry libel, NO, I mean label, that is trying to penetrate the local music industry around town.  The scholars at Hip in Detroit, in their preview nobody read, referred to it as a "boutique label", so it's at least on par with Old Country Buffet.  Their owner....manager..okay figurehead seems like a cool dude and is well-liked around town, which as we know is key to getting head in the industry.  I don't have a single problem with the dude and actually like his taste in music for the most part, and believe that in no way a bunch of failed geezers live vicariously through him.  Ha ha ha I jest.  Gotcha! (in my best Kill Bill Carradine truth serum voice).

So since this is the only Fest I know of this month, I would like to bring back a gimmick that I almost used for the Hamtramck Tax Festival this past Spring.  Well, before they kicked me off, and I scrapped it.  So here it is:  I will take every act on the Fest and search Youtube for a song or video.  The first thing that comes up, I click "Play" and time how long it takes for me to hit "Stop".  If I can't find anything on Youtube I will browse Soundcloud or Facebook.  If there is nothing there I will give up. You have no idea how many acts from HamFest I gave up on, finding nothing.  I then will note the time and give a brief review.  Get it?  Cool!  Can any band make it from start to finish? Who lasts the longest?  Shortest? Decent concept, don't ya think?  I'm too lazy to include the links I found here, plus I'm not the promoter/venue, but I will list the song, to be fair.  The price point for this Fest is a little high for me considering I live off ad revenue from this site and I haven't enabled the ads for years.  Speaking of enabled, let's get to the Fest preview.  Up first is Friday, which I cannot attend due to the John Carpenter show and a benefit after (more on that later).  Here is the recap:  Band---->Search----->How long I lasted----->Blurb!  I stress, the time and blurb will be real instant thoughts.  Let's go!

Fri. Nov. 10th

002- Found nothing, and I searched way too long to do so.  Get a better name goofballs.  I don't have all weekend to see if the 002 I found is the act at the show.  Off to a marvelous start. Goose egg.

The Stools-  "30mg Blues"- 0.19- These blurbs just write themselves.  Okay that was too easy.  Also, not even sure if the clip I watched was even of the band playing the Fest.  Sucked either way.  A delightful start to this experiment.

The Garden Party- "Live at PJ's 2017"- 0.14- I was at my most kindest, or actually cruelest, by deducting the intro from my time stamp.  It came off as very dull, and me bored, Iz bored.  Next.

Deadly Lo-Fi-  "Dr. Gone Gone Crazy"- 1.20- I waited to see where the video was going to go, and it didn't go far.  I appreciated the throwback, Dr. Demento, vibe to it, but once again I have no idea if this is even the act playing at the Fest.

The Britemores- "Sick of You"- 1.03- Decent sound and a good tune; Nuggets-type rock.  Not bad.  However, they need a totally better look though. Dad rock chic.

Troy Gregory- "Whatever Possessed You"- 0.52- I like Troy.  With him, you know what you are going to get from this geezer, and it will be solid.  No local politics, no baiting young'uns, just solid music. Sat in with him at a Blowout during the tambo sessions.  Shook my hand.

All Seeing Eyes- "Like its Their Last"- 0.46- I'm trying here to find something to like or hate about this, but it just seems generic to me.  And that actually is the biggest crime of all.  I'm sure they're nice people though.

Brother O' Brother- "Sunshine"- 1.33-  Didn't have a problem with it at all.  I loved the fuzz on the guitar, and even though the video was a rip on Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, it was still entertaining and better than the typical "lets film on the streets of the city" shite that is everywhere.  Bonus points for the "Too Sweet" reference.  But was it NWO "Too Sweet" or Hot Topic Bullet Club "Too Sweet"?  That is the question..

Rocket 455- "Cross Eyed"- 0.36- This is not their best song but the one that came up first in my search.  The mix on the version I viewed was terrible with way too much treble.  Still, they are a local institution.  When the event's page was initially posted Friday had a "special headliner" spot.  I guess this is it as it has since been updated.  Which leads me to "Special Guests"....

Now who could that be??  I looked at the Jett Plastic Records' Artists Page and for the life of me can't point my finger at anybody who would be playing.  But could it be ME, Bryan Metro??  Nahhhh, I have obligations, and plus, why would they want to ruin the turnout/profits with controversy?
I've heard some rumors about some bands, but without confirmation it would be poor journalism to report it.  Plus it's the weekend and I can't afford the time to look into it any further.

Quick Tangent!!

Before I get to Saturday's lineup, I want to spend some time on another event taking place on Nov. 10th, one that could actually use your hard earned money more.  On Nov. 10th, there is a benefit show to help save The Rockery in Wyandotte.  They are in danger of being turned into a parking lot, and unfortunately don't have the connections/sympathy that UFO Factory does and thus cannot turn it into a profit/vacation.  How do I know this?  Good question, because none of the local journalists/sites like Milo and Hip in Detroit have touched on it.  A local, beloved business in dire straits; there's a story there.  But no.....Why?  Because there is nothing in it for them.  This is the state of local reporting, from the Freep/News down to the sites that nobody reads like Deep Cutz and Hip in Detroit.  No free passes. no free tastings, no press.  Also, it's not a "sexy" story like the UFO Factory's "bust out" and subsequent cash grab.  It's just a local business on the ropes.  They actually reached out to me to come out of retirement to play at the benefit, and I considered it (the word of mouth would be hilarious), but ultimately declined because the focus should be on the venue and its future.  Plus, I considered the potential backlash and fake feminists like Seraphine Collective selling "End Rockery Culture" t-shirts for a profit.  I thought a plug would be better.  Get the word out about a locally liked business that could use some help, no strings attached, nothing for me to gain.  Fact is, if a venue/group reaches out to me, I will give it a rub.  I'm not a JSB/George Morris type who asks "what's in it for me?"
Save the Rockery is November 10th at 1175 Eureka Rd., Wyandotte, MI.  Because they are scrambling, the live music is still being worked on.  My advice to them is:  Cover Bands!  They would draw better than anybody I just previewed anyway.  Okay, back to Josh....I mean Jett's Fest...

Sat. Nov. 11th

Caveman and Bam Bam- "Early Man"- 1.00- Woodman always gets a pass from me even though all of his "shot in Hamtramck" videos grates my senses.  Like Troy Gregory, you know what you're getting, a fun time.  I know they come off as guerilla punk, but there is an innocence about them that I think is very precious.  Although, I would like to knock that stupid expression the drummer uses in every promo shot.  And don't get hot and bothered because you can't say anything like that in this cultural climate about anything, I was just speaking literally.

Trout- "Little Fool"- 0.28- Decent tune, and based on the footage I can see why they would be on the record label.  The song title helps also.  A little too generic for me though.

The Idiot Kids- "Forever Idiot Kid"- 0.50- Had to cut it off once the twerp started singing.  I will have to pass on this one despite them being Lee Majors' 2nd favorite local band (and 1st favorite band name). No shoes, no shirts, we have service.

Choke Chains- "Safe Word"- 0.55.  This is a shitty song.  The video is a rip off of the Beatles butcher cover and Queens of the Stone Age's "Sick Sick Sick" video.  Bunch of geezers should be better than that, but maybe they're just out of ideas.  This is the Electric Six/Wildbunch "theory of diminishing returns" version for the Bantam Rooster dude.

Tyson Meade- "Buddy Dash"- 0.41- More like "Tyson Merde".  More generic trash and more shitty videos of people walking around a park. Walking around a fucking park!  Might as well just filmed it at your apartment.
I am losing interesting in this project quick. Thanks Tyson Merde.

John Sinclair- "Preachin the Blues"- 0.46- I wanted to stop it at 0.00 but that would not be fair.  So I had to wait until 0.46 until I heard this scumbag's voice to cut it off.  I've said this before, and probably will again, but this creep is one of the worst human beings out there.  He has coasted on fluke reputation since the 70's and has treated women, many of them minors, with complete disrespect.  With all the news out these days about people using their fame to take advantage of somebody, I pray one day I wake up and see this geezer's name out there.  I don't think I will because nobody cares about him anymore.  This is the type of person Seraphine Collective should be going after, and no I don't have concrete proof, but I do have testimonials which swayed my opinion.  However, they wish to remain anonymous for the time being because of the epidemic of "victim shaming".  See, the door swings both ways.  Having Lennon (at his cheating/beating Yoko apex) write a song about you does not give you a free pass, old man. It ain't fair (to be around) John Sinclair.

The Ill Itches- "Revolving Door"- 0.42- The song title could be a hint at Lee's....okay I'll just stop.  Anyway, this is his favorite local band, and I have no idea why!!! Okay sarcasm is tough in print.  The song is decent enough, but I just can't get past all the local politics and hierarchy and people who turn their heads at what is going on around here (Woodman and Duende I'm looking at you). It's one big clique around here, but based on the way things are going these days, hopefully it is on its way out. It's a good song, but I'll pass on all the baggage.

Black Merda- "Reality"- 0.37- This didn't do anything for me.  I get it that it's a legend/nostalgia act, but it really left me snoozing.  Just generic soul/funk, and just because you play soul/funk doesn't mean you get a musical pass.  How can you make soul/funk boring is a topic I will tackle at another time. Dull as fuck.

*Also, they are advertising poetry which always goes over well at these type of events.  Polite applause and clock checks as the dude next to you asks his friend to get another round.

So that's my preview constant readers.  I am disappointed they couldn't swing Corey Feldman, who is on the label's website, but he is in the midst of a media tour trying to expose people preying on young'uns.  Worst segue ever...... Jett Blast Fest Nov. 10th & 11th.

But really, look into supporting The Rockery Nov. 10th.  Nothing to gain, nothing to lose.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Monday, October 30, 2017

Wrestlemania 35- Detroit??????

Hey all, Metro here with a quick pop-up post on a Monday I wasn't planning on posting.

If the rumors turn out to be true then Wrestlemania 35 will be heading back to Detroit in 2019. I'm guessing Cobo for Axxess Fest, and the new arena for the Hall of Fame, Raw, and Smackdown, and of course Ford Field for the main show.  I couldn't be more excited.  My pops took me to Wrestlemania 3 at the Silverdome (and let me skip school the next day) and I repaid the favor taking him to WM 23 at Ford Field.  So naturally I am very excited for this.  Yes it is over a year away so a lot can happen between now and then, but if the WWE is reading this update I have a few suggestions for the card:

-Undertaker Hall of Fame?  No brainer.

-1st time ever, a Women's title match as co-main event.  Special referee, creepy local glamour photographer John Kovach complete with shoe cam.

-Roman Reigns in his 8th Wrestlemania main event.

- Midget match with Lee Majors as special ring announcer *We'll just tell him they're younger*

-Metro vs. JSB in a hair vs. hair match. (Loser has to go back working at the WAB)

- National Anthem (sponsored by Third Man Records LLC) by George Morris and the Gypsy Chorus.  *Crowd leaves before opening match*

-White Shag vs mystery person in a sopena on a pole match (Lumberjack match)

-A call back to the first Wrestlemania!  Tunde vs. Sadie from Hip in Detroit in a $10,000 bodyslam challenge (money provided by Ben's Encore).

- An ill-advised bra and panties match throwback featuring Seraphine Collective at the Spanish announce table.

-Interview segment where HBK Shawn Michaels throws Eugene Spacey....errrr Strobe through the barbershop window.

-Caveman & Bam Bam playing the bucket drums outside of Ford Field.

-Main event:  Kid Rock vs. Eminem in a "Soul of the City" match.

Seriously though, this is a good thing.  WM brings in millions to the host city and this city can use it.  Plus I want to hang out with Bray Wyatt at LJ's Lounge.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Support Local- Visit Detroit for Realz

Hey all, Metro here, and I am taking a break from dealing with nutso feminists who aren't really feminists and ending rape culture and actually focusing on something positive (okay ending rape is positive, but semantics).

Face it, we're not going to change the world in one day (we botched that last November), so sometimes it's okay to say "fuck it" and treat yourself.  Maybe a local show, though not me, bands today are rubbish.  Maybe set aside your guilt about the new arena being partially funded by city tax payer dollars, made even worse because you live in Ferndale, and attend a sporting event.  Or, you can use my "go-to" and go to the movies.  And that is what I did this past Friday.

As you know from my non-journalist posts, my love is cinema.  And Friday I had one of my favorite viewing experiences of 2017 at the Senate Theater on Michigan Ave. in Southwest Detroit.  I cannot say enough nice things about this venue.  It was my first time there, even though I lived a mile away for half my life back when the city tax dollars went to city council members' vacations and not arenas.

Let me start by saying that its not always more fun at MJR.  The Detroit area has three gems in terms of theaters (and if I am missing any, please use the comments section), the Redford Theater, Cinema Detroit, and the Senate.  Even though they are not in the greatest of neighborhoods, I cannot recommend them enough.  They offer an alternative to all the chains.  Now don't label me a chain movie theater shamer (c'mon its 2017, I had to).  If I want to see Interstellar I'll see you at AMC/MacGuffin's Imax.  But the three I mentioned wouldn't shot it anyway, and that's part of their charm.  Balancing between nostalgia and indie films, they offer an alternative to first run movies, and that can be a good thing because these days most first run movies are shite.

I'll briefly touch on the Redford and Cinema Detroit and then my Senate experience...
As for the Redford, what else can be said?  It is an institution with a hydraulic organ.  Their movies veer towards nostalgia, but offer you a chance to see a loved movie on the big screen you may have been too young to initially.  The theater itself is like stepping into the 1950's.  Plus they use Detroit Popcorn Company popcorn which is pretty damn good.

Stepping into Cinema Detroit is more like 1970's New York grindhouse.  Their seats...well, they're seats and the screen is too small.  But that has its charm too.  Sometimes they do throwbacks (I saw Time Bandits there; bucket list), but if you see one of your too cool for school friends on social media fawning over the latest indie and you don't see it on Emagine's listings then you'll likely find it at Cinema Detroit.  One of my favorite experiences ever was seeing the roadshow version of Hateful Eight, complete with overture and intermission with the heat busted.  "You are the only two here.  We'll show it if you want," they said to me and my advocate.  It was 40 degrees in the theater and I could see my breath.  They ran it anyway and they probably watched it from the projector room (possible with heater).  It was fucking fantastic.  If Tarantino knew this was happening at that time I bet he would have been there too.  My only gripe is they don't have butter for the popcorn, which may be a crime in many states.

Now we come to Friday.  It was my first time at the Senate.  Their schedule fluctuates between movies and organ shows.  The movie was An American Werewolf in London, one on my bucket list to see on the big screen, and in my top 3 of all time favorites.  For ten years I have asked the Main Art to include it in their midnight series but they always have excuses, "We need to make room for another Pee Wee's Big Adventure."  Plus their employees are rude, and don't want to be there.  Fuck the Main Art.

The employees at the Senate were among the nicest I have encountered and genuinely thankful.  The theater itself was very nice, much like the Redford and its nostalgia factor.  Plus, their merch area was delightful.  They had a vast array of t-shirts, including some very cool Senate designs, along with Detroit-specific American Werewolf shirts that blew anything from Dusty McBones from Hype Ignition could ever come up with.  They also had an organ, and the theater itself was if the Redford and Cinema Detroit had a baby.  I had a blast.  Also, safe, free parking just like Redford and C.D.  My only gripe is that they need to get the word out.  They need better word on the internet and social media.  I cannot recommend it enough.  Also, it's minutes away from Corktown so after the movie you can test for DNA at the UFO Factory or grab something to eat.  That is what we did.  Tried Mercury Bar for the first time.  I thought it was okay.  I'm simple with my burgers, so basically burgers and condiments.  Burger was a little bland, but the sea salt and pepper fries were awesome.  I'd go back.

So there.  Take out all the backhanded jabs and you have a perfectly positive write up of three to four local businesses.  No lazy slideshows like the Metro Times, but actual reviews.  Not well-written, but I think that adds to the non-ad funded realism.  Plus I managed to avoid a reference to shill-Milo press release journalism and shill-Hamtramck dive bar Dennis Miller geezer.  Ahhh ok, I just did.

Anyway, visit the Senate theater, or any of the one's I mentioned.  I'm doing this pro-bono, nothing to gain.  No ad revenue.  No begging to come to my pub.  Just honest opinions about places that are often overlooked. If its a movie you like, the venue/experience adds so much, plus these places don't get too much rub around town (Cinema Detroit maybe), and they can use it.  I see it now....a Metro curated film fest followed by a brief JCM set.  All proceeds go to the restoration of the theater and not a tip jar or air fare pseudo vacation fund.  In five seconds I came up with the most original idea this town has seen all year.  I have nothing to gain.  I'd prefer not to shill the same tired, not "over" bands at record release parties.  I'd like to do something different.  I know that this piece will have half the hits a normal one would, but sometimes it feels damn good to promote good local venues, and have nothing to gain. Gotta run, it's almost time for Jeopardy!

Fuck it, Treat Yourself
Bryan Metro

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Visit Detroit 2018 (But Detroit Doesn't Want You)

Metro here, ready to piss you off, but only if you fancy yourself a "True Detroiter" instead of somebody who cares about the city for legitimate reasons.

Soooo, Lonely Planet, one of the most read travel guides/websites still up and running today posted about Detroit in their "Top Ten Places to Visit in 2018" annual piece.  That's kind of cool, a big deal even, because I think they get even more readers than this blog (but not nearly as much as Deepcutzzzzzz).  You can read the article here:  Visit Detroit 2018

So that's it.  The end of this post.  Thanks for reading.......ohhhhh wait!

But it isn't, because the Metro Times just posted on it today and predictably crapped all over it.  I'll post their link in a minute to be fair, but THIS is the unintentional comedy of the day.  A quote from MT article: "The blurb frankly is very silly.  It reads like a District Detroit copywriter given free reign to work in words like "crazy-huge" and "groovy".  They included a link to this blurb but never attached the link, as of this writing.  The link goes nowhere.  So Metro Times included a link that rips on a link ripping on copywriters.  I actually think you have to try to do that. Also, if you have time, scroll through the MT archives for all of their Blowout previews/band blurbs.  It comes off like the staff had the daunting task of propping up shitty local bands like George Morris and whatever Ryan Allen re-set band was that year (I said band, not gf....that was last week's tangent!!).  Anyway, here's the Metro Times piece:   Not Gritty Enough

Okay, here is the actual rant (I told you I need an editor):  It is something that I came up with called the Detroit Inferiority Complex.  Detroit gets something nice that actually could influence people outside of the state to visit which = $$$.  Next, cue Detroit types who will find something to complain about.  It's usually about taxes, non-Detroit people (suburbs included), and money.  It's hilarious because if you look at ten years ago, the same people were on Channel 4 local news on Oscar night complaining that everybody ignores Detroit and hosting an Oscar party at a VFW hall.  Cue crowd pan of 12 people watching a 32 inch tv.  C'mon, you know you've seen a clip like that...

I got into a similar debate on social media (pro-tip:Big mistake) with the topic being the Wahlburger restaurant in Greektown on the timeline of somebody who fancies himself as the local Dennis Miller (Full honesty, I fancy myself the local Hunter S Thompson, and actually I think I am, so I win already).  The narrative of this was your run of the mill "Ugh, people taking advantage of celebrity and Detroit, location, location, he doesn't care about us". C'mon you know you've seen comments like this...

Actually, here are a few choice examples (names withheld because I'm actually in a good mood today) along with me shutting them down...

"I’d like to see him (Wahlberg) name two...if not more employees, by name, and tell me something about them. Employees. Not management. But workers. Hell. I’m sure the bartenders and servers are okay. How about the bussers and the dishwashers?
Mark Wahlberg...Name one. Tell me his story."

Your humble narrator: "

All the time I see what I call the Detroit Inferiority Complex where Detroiters are offended whenever somebody not from the city, or gasp, even the suburbs poo-poo's anyone trying to help. I realize Wahlberg's bottom line is the bottom line, but he does have an affinity for the city. Also, he doesn't have to tell me the stories of dishwashers, nor do I care. They're dishwashers, and probably compensated well."

"I just can’t get behind celebrities touting their own celebrity."

Metro: "A dishwashers job is to wash the dishes. Part of a celebrity's job is to tout their celebrity/brand. Not everybody has the luxury of being Daniel Day Lewis."

"Sure dish washers wash dishes etc etc. But do you know when Mark W or Micheal Symon or any other Chefs took their staff out for a meal."

*Unfortunately my response has mysteriously vanished from the timeline.  Basically I said they don’t have to.  The employees are paid.  After they pass the drug test they don’t get a “Free meal every Quarter” badge.  Though after my 15 years in the service industry, that does happen, and is very cool.  But to say they don’t without any proof is typical internet.*  Okay, next-

"If he truly wanted to help he would have placed it on an underdeveloped downtown block and not fucking Monroe Street in the middle of what used to be Greektown."

Metro- "Business 101. A business owner's primary goal is to make money not "help" whatever that means. A successful business is mutually beneficial for all involved, be it a restaurant, gas station, grocery store. The owners make their money and people in the area have a service they like. Its not rocket science. I just get bored seeing all these comments posted specifically for "likes" and emoji hearts. There are much more pressing issues around town to focus on. But those are probably too controversial to address. And that is okay. The world needs ditch diggers too!"

-End scene-

Basically, this has nothing to do with charity or "help".  Its about me wanting to see Detroit succeed and not drum up likes.  And I do.  I have lived in the Detroit area for my entire life, and Detroit-proper half my life, so I know all about paying those city taxes, so I'm not in no way an Pizza arena apologist.  However, I must say that when I was paying those taxes I had no idea where any of that money was going due to the fact the infrastructure was fucked for years.  At least there are efforts to get people back to Detroit out there.  Can't say any of them are the local music scene because 90% of it sucks and has failed to "get over" for the same amount of years while local bars and businesses (MT) cannibalize themselves begging for the scraps.

Final points-  The Metro Times article lauded Lonely Planet for referencing the "grittier" aspects of Detroit, which was the point they really lost me.  Lonely Planet is a tourist site.  Why would they attempt to emphasize the "gritty aspect"?  I'm pretty sure my mom has zero interest in seeing how shitty sections of the city can achieve.  That has been the stigma of Detroit since the 70's.  To their credit MT did have a good take on people coming here only to discover the diamonds in the rough out there.  Of course they fumbled their one good angle by not listed or linking any of them, but its a decent point.  Here's the deal, those diamonds in the rough aren't going to sell Detroit to the casual traveler. So as my mentor, The Joker, once said, "You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs." In other words, the new businesses in Detroit are bringing word of mouth that could bring traffic to other local-centric businesses.  I disagree with the whole "lets set up shop in a shitty neighborhood" narrative because what tourist wants to visit an establishment only to find their car stolen by one of the grittier citizens of Detroit?

So, that's it for today.  Like I have always said, I could give a fuck about Facebook "likes" or "hearts".  As referenced in previous comments here, people can threaten to never hire me at their establishment, though based on previous comments they all work at sandwich shops anyway (although bonus points if its in an undeveloped neighborhood).

Last point- Everybody has an agenda. And 99% of the time it's money. Sad but true, and it sucks we have to live with it.  New arena=money. New restaurants=money. And I'm not being a capitalist apologist here, its true. Here, look at the other side-  Wahlburger complainer= "Pissed because Kelly's Pub was left out of the article or built across the street; less tips. Metro Times= Pissed because Lonely Planet article did not reference their top advertiser for the week, which ironically has been the criteria for the "public vote" of the Best in Detroit for the past 10 years.

So you see, it goes both ways.  So I guess we all have to just deal with it, and rock and roll...

Fuck local rapists, and fuck local people too cowardly to address any of this in exchange for likes/less headaches on FB.
Danny Torrance:  "So you mean they ate each other up??"
Bryan Metro

*Technical note- Site is experiencing some issues.  All the previous blog posts are still here.  Just need to scroll past the albums and access them by month.