Hey, it's that time of year again where we're up for some DMA's. Please go to the Detroit Music Awards site and vote for us for the following categories:
Outstanding Electronic/Dance Artist/Group
Outstanding Electronic/Dance Recording
Outstanding Electronic/Dance Writer/Producer
Thank you for your support and without you we couldn't have not been able to not put out a record since 2006 and get nommed every subsequent year. Thank you Detroit. This is our cultural renaissance.

Listen To This Now!!!!

Friday, February 20, 2015

Stay Tuned

We want to wash the stink of the Amino Acids, Hamtramck Music Fest, and everything else about the malaise of the Winter months out of this feed, so stayed tuned and we will be covering things people actually watch and want to see, and Metro will have it up by Monday (which Monday he says not)

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Look in My Eyes, What Do You See

A bunch of has-beens just happy to be.....

Well kudos to the Amino Acids for taking the mantle of the "Hamtramck Music Fest White Knights".  On a poorly written (this is coming from someone who writes on this site) FB post they lobbed a couple of ill-advised grenades (metaphor) at your humble narrators here.  I would link to their page, but don't want to give them a rub so just use Google.  However, we would like to thank them for all of the traffic to this website.  Our shameless advertisers also thank you.  However Wendy Richter is not impressed....

You see, in their (ill-advised) post on FB, The Amino Acids offered to give up their slot on the Hamtramck Music Fest to us, but only if we kill all of our pets.  I'm sure this was meant as some time of....well I don't know what it was meant as.  Was it supposed to be funny?  Satire?  A threat?  I am not sure.  But I am sure that their sycophant followers will "like" the post without even thinking of what they are asking.  Kill animals.... Yes I know, I know moreso than any future commenter, that they were not serious.  I see the T Shirt Guy posting pictures of his dog all the time.  I understand that this was a rare slip in judgement from somebody too old to understand how the internet works.  I mean, I could have reported him many a time for copyright infringement for all of the t-shirt designs that he ripped off to make his own profit, but I took the high road and turned the other cheek.  At worst, I would have advocated he give up his dog to me so that poor animal will have a good life away from somebody who ADVOCATES THE KILLING OF ANIMALS ON FB.  However Dolph Ziggler is not impressed...

My first memory of the Amino Acids was in the early 2000's.  My gf at the time and I were getting out of our car at the Lager House and we saw a bunch of guys putting on white stockings on their heads and giggling in the Lager parking lot.  At the time I had no idea who they were or even who was playing that night.  I just wanted to get laid.  I did!  But no thanks to the Amino Acids.  The Lager was bone dry, empty that night, and we left and I took the gf to a different bar, she got me drunk, and later took advantage of me.  But my first memory of the Amino's was that cluster of giggling guys putting on their stocking, the same stockings they will be using for the Hamtramck Music Fest 14 years from then, getting ready to play for nobody.  Ric Flair is not impressed....

Yes, I get the irony.  We at the JCM have played for empty houses before.  Save it.  We wear it as a badge of honor.  A Detroit band!  The thing is...and it is something I will keep coming back to, is the advocating of animal abuse from the Amino Acids.  I was interrogated by the Hamtramck police because I signed off on blog posts with the word "Pipebomb", a word that had been established as a euphemism for speaking my mind and here we have some old fuckers advocating violent euthanizing of animals in exchange for a slot on a Fest we don't even have the time to play. Well, The Mountie is not impressed...

Now we get to the current state of this post.  The Amino Acids offered us their slot if we kill all of our pets.  However, they stressed we do it during the kickoff on Thursday.  Sooooo, either they are being courteous and giving us/HamFest enough time to readjust the lineup between Thursday and their slot on Saturday, or they are pussies and want to keep us as far away as possible from their slot because anybody who advocates the killing of animals is not a friend in my book and IG Punk is also not impressed...

So that's pretty much that.  Keep on liking the Amino Acids' post about JCM/killing pets/trying to stay relevant. And Doug "Jobber" MacKenzie (charter member of Amino fan club/ he of the constant usage of "butthurt division"), here's a spoiler alert, you were in jail for 8 months because you fucking got caught.  Smarten up.  And get better taste in music....because me and Hulk Cheeto are....not....impressed....

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Official Hamtramck Music Fest Video Premiere

As I have stated in an earlier post, we here at the JCM news desk have issued a moratorium on posts regarding the Hamtramck Music Festival. After being swindled last year by providing the only non-Facebook hype the festival garnered in our Metro Times interview and coverage only to be left off this year in what the bookers said was "an effort to showcase new and upcoming local acts", we can no longer provide any type of recognition for a festival whose only means of promotion is reposting Facebook event pages and cutting together subpar Youtube videos. With that being said, here is the latest promo video for the Hamtramck Music Festival. Don't refresh your browser thinking it is the same as last year's. It pretty much is. First off, let me get it out of the way that we at the JCM HQ love Woodman. He's one of our local favorites, and we will continue to harp on his genuine enthusiasm and love for this city until he also is banned from every local music festival by the likes of the CJohnst's and Eugene Choade's of the world who only exist to profit and expand their brand at the expense of those playing their fests and venues. Oh sorry...the video:

Same as it ever was

Watched it?  Cool.  Okay.  Now, I could make the obvious joke about all of the venues being stark empty and correlate it to the future of the Hamtramck Music Fest now that politics are involved.
Or I could harp on there being no cops there because they are too busy being tied up by fraudulent claims of terrorism by the organizers of the Hamtramck Music Fest against me, claims they knew were false, that took up man hours following up on when their time could have been used better.  Need I remind you of the Metro Times Blowout kidnapping debacle of a few years ago?  But no, let's report Metro becuzzz he said sumthinnn that we dont agweee with...
Or I could point out that the "theme" of this year's Music Fest is to celebrate the up and coming and new bands (once the booker's bands have their slots secured) and their featured video is soundtracked by those upstarts The Hentchmen who have been clawing their way to the top since 1996.

All in all, you're welcome Hamtramck Music Fest for the free publicity because we continue to speak the truth and really aren't afraid about anything.  If I'm not mistaken, this is the only website outside of facebook.com that is even covering this event.  So, keep up the good work.

Pip........er....... Pussies


Thursday, February 12, 2015

Facebook Minority Report

This article had its fifteen minutes of fame when it blipped three or four times on my feed. The kid looked familiar enough. I saw him at shows back in the day. He jumped up on stage during an encore and played guitar for a finale. Why didn't they get him then?

It's no secret that Metro recently caught some heat from Hamtramck PD due to a misinterpretation over the titling of a blog post. What an eerie feeling that something expressed in frustration can be misconstrued in such a way that you can end up in court facing a 5 year jail sentence.

Let's be honest here, Eduardo's status update is a pretty serious thing for anyone to write and something not to be taken lightly. However, if you read the article and the chain of events surrounding it, it was a proclamation against the state of the legal system and the constant injustice that occurs. Doesn't it seem like they are swinging the axe without asking the proper questions? Then again, where do you draw the line?

Is this a noveau era of the Red Scare that we are living in where I can report somebody's status I don't agree with and jam them up with the law? It sure seems like it. Is it a matter of being an internet tough guy and running to daddy when the water gets too hot? (Jessie Slaughter/Hellmouth). Perhaps people just need to enact some sort of filter with what they put on the internet; but then idea of free speech is somewhat diminished. Perhaps there has to be a bit more discretion by Johnnie Law before a witch hunt is started.

I don't know the right answer or the solution but I can tell you that I don't want to wind up in the clink for posting some dumb trivial shit on fucking facebook.


Thursday, February 5, 2015

The Retiring of "PipeBomb"

So I woke up this morning (well it was still morning at 10:30 technically) to get a call from the Hamtramck police department inquiring whether or not I made terrorist threats at the Hamtramck Music Festival because of my use of the term "Pipebomb" in my post about the hypocrisy of this year's Hamtramck Music Festival.  Yes, this really happened.

You see, they thought that "pipebomb" was a terrorist threat.  It is not.  We have used that term for almost 3 years in posts where we just speak the truth.  We have never provoked violence against any single thing.  All we do is speak the truth.  And well, this time the truth seemed to have struck a nerve with some pussy affiliated with the Hamtramck Music Fest.

Let me take this time to address that person, may I call you Pussy?  Okay Pussy, thank you for going out of your way to report the JCM as terrorists and a threat to a music festival that nobody will see outside of the bands and their friends playing it.  We at the JCM really appreciate the additional views on our website from the police that you have provided.  However, I doubt those same eyes will be on the Hamtramck Music Fest because, well, as I said in a previous Pipeb....errrr post, nobody outside of the bands playing really cares.

Let me take this time to state that last year, the JCM went out of their way before the show, during the show, and after the show to promote the Hamtramck Music Fest as a viable alternative to local music festivals and yet because of politics, you shit on it, shut us out, and are now the exact same thing as Blowout.

I really love the generic copy and pasted posts about the bands playing.  Blowout.

I really like how the bookers are stressing "new and unknown talent" yet find the time to book their own bands.  Blowout..

So to conclude, we at the JCM do not wish any type of violence on anybody, nor have we ever in our tenure as the "Voice of the Voiceless" of the Detroit Music Scene.  In fact we encourage everybody to be healthy and take care of themselves.  If we didn't care we wouldn't harp on the continuous "Size 12" posts.  You can always be healthier, look younger.

And finally, as promised to the Hamtramck police force, we will no longer use the term "pipebomb" in any of our posts as it can be misconstrued as being something that it is not.  All we want to do is make sure everybody has a fun time and is entertained.  Something that the Hamtramck Music Fest is dropping the ball on.

Creature Feature, Creature Feature, Creature Feature

Bryan Metro

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Metro's Top Movies of 2014

Well, this is the time of the season for my favorite post of the year. No I won’t be ripping on ill-advised local music festivals, or the fading luster of certain cities, or the insufferable “look at me/how creative is this” mentality of so many people around town (spoiler alert: Nobody cares). No no, this is the time for my annual “Top Films of 2014” post.
Of course, here is my normal disclaimer- By “top Films” I mean my favorite films of 2014. Totally subjective. I am in no position to dictate what are the best movies of the past year, but I do have every right to say what my Favorite movies of the past year are, and if any of the listings/blurbs entice you enough to go out and see a certain movie, I promise to the best of my abilities, you won’t be disappointed.
This year I have expanded the listings to include my traditional Top 10, along with the Honorable Mentions, but this year I will also include a few that “Missed the Cut” and some that I did not see but are still on my list.
Okay, enough disclaimers, let’s get to the meat and potatoes.

Did Not See/Need To See

I am notoriously stubborn to get to sit down and actually sit through a movie and this is multiplied ten-fold by TV. So, I have a list of movies that were on my “To See” list that I did not end up seeing in time for this listing. I cannot vouch for the quality of any of these but here they are.

- The Lego Movie- Lots of accolades. On a lot of top 10 lists. But still, I don’t do animated movies no matter how accessible they are to adults. Sorry.

- Zero Theorem- I’m a big Terry Gilliam fan and a big Christoph Waltz fan, but so-so word of mouth kept pushing this back and back and eventually past my deadline. I’ll get to it eventually.

- Grand Piano- I’m also a big fan of lesser known genre movies that kind of fly under the radar. This would make a fun companion piece for Whiplash (to be covered later in the post) as Elijah Wood plays a piano player with social anxiety who has to play a piece without error or else be killed. So, like “Phone booth” for band geeks.

- Green Inferno- Eli Roth’s latest features a plane full of bleeding hearts that crashes in a jungle and is confronted by cannibals. It is finished but couldn’t get distribution so it may end up on 2015’s list (good shot since it features my girl Sky Ferreira).

- Foxcatcher- I really wanted to fit this film in my home stretch schedule but time (and dickhead Star Fairlane employees) prevented that. This falls under my banner of “I need to see it but lukewarm word of mouth turned me off”.

- Grand Budapest Hotel- I wanted to see this after its Oscar nom (and Golden Globe win) but then I remembered that it is a Wes Anderson movie, and though it kind of feels more like Life Aquatic Wes Anderson instead of Moonrise Kingdom Wes Anderson, I still couldn’t face the fate of sitting in a theater wanted to suffocate myself for 2+ hours.

- Theory of Everything- Another “on the cusp” of my to see list, but just didn’t have the time, although with the traction the star Eddie Redmayne is getting in the Best Actor race, I will probably, eventually, see this. Just not in time for this list.

- Only Lovers Left Alive- I really reallllly wanted to get this one watched in time but it just didn’t work out. I will probably see it in 2015 and I love the cast. My only consolation is that Jim Jarmusch has not made a signature/good movie that has kept my attention so I don’t feel thaaaaat bad.

- Selma- One of two movies that falls into borderline 2014/2015 eligibility so I’ll put it off till 2015’s list.

- The Interview- Wanted to see it out of spite. Then didn’t want to see it out of spite. That’s that.

- American Sniper- See Selma

- Filth- A little known adaptation of an Irvine Welsh thing starring James McAvoy as a corrupt cop. Those I have talked to say it’s worth the watch.

Missed the Cut

I try to see as many movies as possible to try to get out of social obligations and the like and sometimes I see movies that are completely forgettable and won’t appear anywhere here (Hello Annabelle, you tease) and others that…. Just missed out on making the cut. These are those.

- Neighbors- For me, comedy movies were even more underwhelming than horror in 2014. That being said, I had a good time with this one but I couldn’t tell you a single set piece from it. Typical Rogen movie: Lots of gross out belly laughs followed by everything neatly resolved and hunky dory by the end.

- Fury- Just missing the cut was my second favorite WW2 movie of 2014. The ensemble cast is great with no weak links (incl. Shia LaBeouf) and Brad Pitt seems to be revising his Aldo Raine character from Inglourious Basterds (which he also reprised on last year’s entry “12 Years a Slave”). The movie is broken into three sections: Getting to know the team, a weird interlude in a captured city with two civilian women, and the final sequence, which is basically “Das Boot” in a tank. A good movie but one that didn’t stay with me long.

- The Taking of Deborah Logan- Also just missed the cut. An interesting premise (Alzheimer’s vs. Demonic Possession) is tripped up by a “by the numbers” third act. Still, the first half warrants it in discussion for the cut. I prefer movies that keep the audience guessing for as long as possible, but this one tipped its hand a little too soon. However, it had a number of scares and is worth a viewing. Jill Larson, who plays the title character, gives a very daring performance.

L’ Honorable Mentions

Well, we are finally at my normal starting point for my annual year end movie list: The Honorable Mentions. These are the movies that could have easily made the cut of the Top 10 but….ultimately did not. In the past I have alphabetized them, but this year I’m just going to post them with the disclaimer that they are in no particular order. Every movie from this point forward from Hon. Mentions to the Top 10 have my personal stamp of approval.

- The Signal- What I thought would be a throwaway Sci-Fi flick was actually a really creative mind bender. Without too many spoilers, the premise is a group of hackers crack the “unbreakable code” and it leads them to the middle of nowhere where….something happens, and they awake in a hospital. Or did they? Or are they? The movie really clicks when they get out of the hospital back into the real world and it quickly becomes a suspenseful modern take on a Twilight Zone episode.

- As Above, So Below- This horror entry (2014 was a soft year for my favorite genre) kind of came and went, but I do recommend it. A group of young adults sneak into the tunnels under Paris and it just gets weird from there. I feel that this movie nailed a lot of the random horror tropes from the Silent Hill video game series that the movie series could not seem to get. The ending was a little rushed and “meh” but after the set-up and the creepy events, it would have been hard to resolve coherently.

- Under the Skin- While you may think I am including this solely because Scarlett Johansson doffs the top, it actually is a decent, foreboding, strange film. I read beforehand that it was close to being modern Kubrick with numerous reviews saying they “got it”, and is a horror movie. Eh, eh, and eh. It’s an art film. It doesn’t offer much in terms of plot, but Johansson’s vacant performance, the score, and a few unnerving sequences (highlighted by a seduction scene with someone with neurofibromatosis) crack the Honorable Mention list. Recommended but be warned, your mileage may vary.

- Interstellar- One of the Hon. Mentions that could have been plugged into the Top 10. Extremely well-made, with a great, subtle performance from Matthew McConaughey (and a sneaky good one from John Lithgow). Truth be told, I didn’t care for it the first time I saw it, but I liked it a lot more the second time, and may/may not have cried during a scene. However, it falls to the Honorable Mention section because of the inexcusable clusterfuck of the last 30 minutes. I know some people “got it”. I (eventually) “got it”, but the ending really turned me off. It went from being a very entertaining, original sci-fi movie to showing off everybody’s big brains. Kind of a turn off.

- Blue Ruin- A quiet but nasty gem that also could have vaulted into the Top 10. This is a cousin to the Coen Brothers’ “No Country For Old Men”. I would not have been surprised going into this cold and finding out it was in fact a Coen Brothers movie. Macon Blair delivers my top “subtle” acting performance of the year. I think it ultimately ended up on the Honorable Mention list because I went into it overhyped (which is more my fault than the movie’s). It was good, borderline great, but not as transcendental as I had read in advance. The ending was slightly telegraphed, but the quiet/loud moments make this a worthwhile viewing experience.

- Comic Book Movies!!- I’m taking the easy way out and lumping Captain America-Winter Soldier and X-Men Days of Future Past together while reserving a Top 10 spot for a third. Winter Soldier was a great nod to 70’s political thrillers and had a sneaky good performance from Robert Redford. There was great chemistry between Evans, Johansson, and Mackie as Falcon. A really good standalone Marvel film. Days of Future Past was also well made and excited the geek in me by having Stewart and McKellen reprise their roles. Also, points for not making it a Wolverine & Friends movie. It had a little too much plot and characters, but you can’t complain that you didn’t get your money’s worth.

- Tusk- Probably the most fun I had at the movies this past year. This not really a Kevin Smith Kevin Smith movie was the train wreck I was hoping it would be, and I mean that in a good way. Justin Long and Michael Parks knock it out of the park and fully commit to the absurdity. The “big reveal” had me falling out of my seat and the final fight set to Fleetwood Mac’s “Tusk” ranks up there with my favorite moments of 2014. I only docked it for the unnecessary masturbatory cameo which sucked the life out of the middle section.

- Nightcrawler- The first of my two “LA” honorable mentions. This could have slipped onto my Top 10 list, and to be honest, I have no idea why it didn’t. This is a wonderfully, slightly off, LA noir starring Jake Gyllenhaal (in his best performance) as a freelance journalist who inserts himself and those around him into the narrative. This is beautifully filmed and tugged at me to get back to LA soon. It is dark and offers no apologies, you twerp.

- Inherent Vice- The second of my “LA” honorable mentions. This is a LA noir that tried just a little too hard. It wore its incoherence on its sleeve with each scene introducing new characters/names that may or may not actually fit into the story. Joaquin Phoenix is great as usual, as is the rest of the cast. This is basically Fear and Loathing meets The Big Lebowski. It is definitely worth a watch but I still feel that Paul Thomas Anderson’s best remains “Boogie Nights”.

- Gone Girl- David Fincher’s latest is a well made thriller that I went into “cold” not familiarizing myself with the source novel. It paid off. Affleck is solid and Rosamund Pike is wonderful as the vacant wife. I particularly loved Carrie Coon as Affleck’s sister, who would’ve been a Supporting Actress nom if her part was a little bit meatier. Nothing really kept this out of the Top 10 and my only critiques are a pedestrian score from Trent Reznor and a pretty weak final 10 seconds.

- Whiplash- This is an Honorable Mention and not in the Top 10 because the overall story is kind of slight. The bread and butter for this film are the performances. J.K. Simmons is a lock for Best Supporting Actor and Miles Teller holds his own and does most of his own drumming. The predominant theme can be applied to any competitive setting from music to sports. How far will someone go to be the best at what they do and how far will their teacher go to bring out that best (or worst)?

The Top Ten

I think I’ve done enough explaining, so here are my Top 10 FAVORITE movies of the year. If you want the Best wait for the Oscars (or don’t).

10. Birdman- I lead off my Top 10 with a frontrunner for Best Picture. This has the best ensemble cast of the year spearheaded by my pick for Best Actor, Michael Keaton. Edward Norton has never been better, also playing off his real life persona. I would also give a slight nod to Alejandro Inarritu for Best Director over Linklater for framing it so that the entire movie seems like one continuous shot. Also has a great percussive jazz soundtrack. The only thing keeping it from being higher on the list is I have no need to ever see it again. Rewatchability matters.

9. Guardians of the Galaxy- What a surprise. Kudos to Marvel for taking a relatively unknown property and making it one of the biggest movies of the year. This has my second favorite ensemble cast of the year and everybody clicks, with chemistry to spare. The most unique thing I can say about this is that I could have lived without a single action segment. I would be fine just watching the characters riff off each other. The rare summer blockbuster with a ton of heart.

8. The Imitation Game- This movie wasn’t on my “to see” list but by chance I worked it into one of my movie hops and I’m glad I did. I wasn’t a Cumberbatch fan before this, but he earned his Best Actor nod with this. Though it takes some liberties with actual events to create a fuller movie experience, it was still a roller coaster of an emotional movie. It did have some minor pacing issues which tripped up my second viewing, but I went into the first viewing “cold” and it ended up being the only movie of the year where I talked to the screen (A solitary “God Dammit”). Finally, this has my favorite score of 2014 and nothing else comes close.

7. The Sacrament- I originally had this higher on my list but the late year entries knocked it down a bit. 2014 was a good year for movies. This is a found footage film from my mumblecore friends who had a hand in The Innkeepers, You’re Next, and House of the Devil. It is basically Jonestown 2.0 with a masterful performance from Gene Jones as the cult leader of a remote village where a couple of VICE reporters (my dream job) head to find a missing relative. It is not exactly scary but just keeps building and building until the inevitable end. This. Is. It.

6. Proxy- The most obscure movie on the List (though it is/was available on Netflix). This is another Hitchockian thriller that I can’t get into too much because spoilers would hinder the viewing experience. It proudly shows its love for Psycho with its twists and turns and requires the viewer to do some legwork. A terrible incident occurs. People misinterpret intentions. Things get bad and cannot be fixed. Highly recommended, but only if you don’t have children.

5. Boyhood- A window. Terrific performances from Ethan Hawke and Patricia Arquette. There is no real plot, just themes. I think every person will have their own feelings on it. I found it a little melancholy even though it was filled with hope and love; a Rorschach test as a motion picture. I like that Linklater didn’t take the easy route and announce each year with a title card and instead let the music and technology clue the audience in. Extremely ambitious and nailed the often hidden emotion in everyday life.

4. Cheap Thrills- I really had a lot of fun with this dark, relatively unknown, movie. Two friends meet a couple (David Koechner and my future ex-wife Sara Paxton) in a bar. The mystery couple realizes that they are hard-off in life and offer them large amounts of money to….do things. It starts out fun and somewhat harmless but, as expected, goes darker and darker. Next to my Number 1 pick, this is probably the most rewatchable movie on the List and uses Koechner’s good ole boy cinema persona to take the audience to some dark places. Has a great balance of laughs followed quickly by gasps.

3. John Wick- This made the biggest jump on the List from Honorable Mention to #3. I originally had it as an Hon. Mention because of a very manipulative first act but after digesting I understood it and appreciated the need for it and it made me, the viewer, more invested in the revenge tale. Amazing action segments that I would place over the (overrated) Raid movies because they contain emotion. Michael Nyqvist has my vote for favorite villain of the year and I love the concept of a hotel that caters only to hitmen and has its own set of rules. I would love to revisit this world in future films.

2. Snowpiercer- I can’t put into words how surprised I was at this under the radar gem (but I will try). The story of a train carrying the remnants of humanity around a frozen Earth while exploring themes of class and entitlement is possibly the most unique of the year. One can enjoy it as a linear action movie, but being the geek I am, I loved viewing it as a fan of cinema. It starts out as a Terry Gilliam class warfare movie and as the main cast advances towards the front of the train it changes influences as it goes, with my favorite being a Stanley Kubrick homage set in a sauna complete with the soundtrack to The Shining playing. Tilda Swinton could have easily gotten a Supporting Actress nomination. A cult classic in the making.

1. The Guest- Not even close. My favorite movie of the year. This catered to my geek fan sensibilities from the opening shot. Contains the best soundtrack of the year. Contains my favorite performance of the year courtesy of Dan Stevens in an American Psycho-esque star making performance. The basic story of a soldier visiting the family of a fallen friend quickly turns into a bizarre version of Terminator, The Shining, Fright Night, and probably every other 80’s genre movie you’ve grown up with. Out of all the movies on this List this is the one I would sit somebody down and just enjoy it. My highest of recommendations. Seek it out.

That's it till next year Slurries,

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Thursday, January 29, 2015

One Year....Only One Year

Hamtramck Music Fest..... THE Alternative to the biggest alternative, yet very mainstream, of music fests in the Metro Times Blowout, and only one year.  One year.  That's all it took to transform into the nature of the beast and succumb to the same politics and favoritism and laziness that has plagued the Blowout for the past few years.  One year....that's all it took for the "alternative" to become the norm. 

I originally wanted to list all of the bands playing the Hamtramck Fest and do word association.  One Year.

Then I thought it would be fun to calculate the % of bands that are playing Hamtramck Fest who also played Blowout last year.  Alternative.  One year.

But then I decided to do what I do best and just speak the truth, say what everybody else is afraid of saying for fear they may be left out of a future Fest, missing out playing with the same bands that played the last Fest.  One year.

Shame on you Hamtramck Music Fest, after just one year, falling back into the same mistakes that have Blowout on its last legs.  It took one year.

Shame on you Hamtramck Music Fest for having the majority of those booking the event having their own bands playing for the same people that saw them last year, or last week.  It took one year.

I have had a few people anonymously message me saying that they were asked to play even though they never submitted an application to play the Hamtramck Music Fest.  Shame on you for preaching you were an alternative yet still abide by the petty selection that has plagued Blowout.

Once again, bands that did not apply to play were asked to play....sound familiar?

Last year the JCM played the inaugural Hamtramck Music Fest and we busted our asses getting word of mouth out including a full write up in the Metro Times, at the time perceived as the chief competition.  What did everybody else playing do?  Well...pretty much the same they are going to do this year and post on Facebook along with shoddy fliers and well, that's that.  Okay maybe repost 3 year old photos taken by Carjack with the watermark *HamFest 2015.

I wanted to sit on this and dwell and come up with something reallllly nasty, but really, this is all you deserve.  Just keep playing in your sandbox with all of your friends and playing the same songs and planning the same festival that the same people will see. 

Last year we had people buzzing about what will happen, what will they do?  Now...its just, oh yeah those bands again.  There is no danger, no excitement anymore.  It's seriously a gigantic circle jerk; a group of twerps slapping high five saying great job, love the new song nobody but me will hear.

I will not start a Kickstarter for the Hamtramck Music Fest.  It hasn't earned it, and based on those making the calls, it never will.

And this is the last time I will write about the Hamtramck Music Fest and I wanted to make sure I did it early so people could get the point, but as the days get closer and closer those in charge of it can get the chilling revelation that the only publicity this Fest will get is from bands reposting links & fliers on Facebook and none of them really have a website or any type of following.

Sure, you can say this is sour grapes but look at the past-  The JCM was easily the most talked about act of HamFest 1.  Its just too bad that the organizers are too big of pussies to let us loose again.
Politics politics pussies

Let me know what life support feels like,
From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Molly Soda and The American Dream

It is amazing to me that someone I perceive as completely repugnant and void of any talent can make it so far and infect the social conscience.  

Molly Soda has vacated her life of any form of responsibility other than to do drugs and play on the internet.  She has spearheaded a movement of outsiders that mimick her and by default become internet/tumblr icons.  The current buzz words surrounding this phenomenon are "digital artists".

Tumblr is the DJ of the internet-age.  A person can amass endless followers simply by reposting photos, music, videos, etc.  Soon everything gets mish-mashed and becomes a copy of a copy of a copy of a reblog of a reblog.  The saavy culture jammer curates their own style or look while menially interjecting a naked selfie or lip sync until the looks merge and are unanimous.  Simply put, taking other  people's work and bending in to yours to create something new and fresh.

People have been doing this for years and have gained international fame and recognition.  Warhol and Tarantino are the names at the front of my brain.  In no way am I equating Molly Soda with either.  She has carved out this niche where she has built a league of followers and social networked her way into convincing others that her reblogs and karaokes are art.

Last Thursday she curated a gallery at North End Studios titled "What's Your Wifi?"  Basically the gallery consisted of Molly and some of her acolytes projecting gif images on a wall while a crowd oohd, aahed, and applauded.  

This begs the question, "What is art?'  Is it a remixed digital gif projected on a wall that was orignially conceived by a different unknown author?  Is it Shia Lebouf crying under a paper bag while his sycophants line up to interact with the muted actor and trinkets from his movies?  Is it a painiting on a wall or a photograph or a screenprint?  I am not the expert and whoever draws the deciding line is instantly burned at the stake for being a close-minded ass.  

How is this The American Dream in action?  Think about it, a free bleeder that's a quasi-femenist when it's convenient to her "look at me, because I'm beautiful in my own way" ideaology which is hazed in a cloud of e-cig vapor and weed smoke that is too lazy to shave her armpits because she spends all day recording her life in her shitty Detroit maybe Ferndale maybe Livonia apartment maybe parent's house and has been able to market and network herself to thousands of millions of people on the internet and get them to emulate her and even financially support her to a degree.  This is a modern day American Dream in action if I have ever seen one.  

Good for Molly Soda.  Good for the internet.  Good for America.


Friday, January 9, 2015

Tears in the Rain

"I'm actually crying......" This is the first thing I hear during this conference call back home in Detroit and I am sitting out by the pool at the house by the beach and I am still processing the fact that the Magic Stick back home is switching from a rock club/wank fest to a EDM/wank fest and though it did raise my eyebrows a bit ultimately it really doesn't matter and I am pretty much indifferent about it and turn my focus back to whether I have enough time to stream Boyhood, Foxcatcher, the latest Hobbit film, and Selma in time for my Top Films of 2014 list.

 "Bryan, Selma technically can be 2015 so you can spare yourself the hassle," Scott tells me (as if he were reading my thoughts).
"Appreciate it. Whew," I reply and we slap high five.
"I'm actually crying" is spoken again and I turn my focus back to the conference call and I realize it is Sadie talking. I then receive a link to the article about the Magic Stick closing. I focus my full attention to the conference call.....

 "The theater and cafe will still be the same...don't be upset. It was better option then closing entirely," Bree replies.
"It is my fav venue though. My childhood and my love of music was formed in the Magic Stick. I saw some of the best shows of my life there. You thought i was upset about Clutch Cargos, im crying right now hahaha I know its life, it is just sad to me," Sadie replies.
"No, the theater won't be the same... they're turning it into a 400 cap venue if i read it correctly," Matt corrects, sounding a tad bit tipsy.
"I'm actually crying."
"I don't actually know the details beyond the Magic Stick room but all I know was Amir helped them out of closing their doors entirely," Bree tries to elaborate. I wonder where Morrow is in all this and whether CJohnst at the Loving Touch is starting to shake. Neither on this conference call so I have to keep guessing.
"I'm actually crying."
"I've known for a few wks... Sucks super hard," Jessica offers, for what reason I have no idea.
"I'm so mad! I wondered why there have been fewer and fewer punk/hardcore shows happening during the last year or so. This is such a loss for our already little scene," Krzta shouts, and I wonder what Hellmouth is up to these days.
"I'm actually crying."
"Booooooooo," says Alex. Thanks for that.
"I'm actually crying."
"Where the hell am i going to see lagwagon now?!" Mike screams, and I have no idea if he is being serious, ironic, or what the fuck that even is.
"I'm actually crying."
"Good," Ryan exclaims, and is promptly blocked.
"I'm actually crying."
"I need more places to dance to top 40," Ryan continues under an alternate number and is blocked once again.
"I'm actually crying."
"Two less venues for for musicians with larger audiences in the rock/punk/metal/alt etc. scene... That really sucks. It's already hard enough to get bands to make their way up to Detroit," Nicole states and then exits the conference call to take a different, separate, conference call from Ferndale.
"I'm actually crying."
"RIP - Pharroh's, The Wired Frog, 2500 Club, Idle Kids, Blondies, etc. One more gone," John moans into the phone and I can hear him taking selfies in between sobs.
"I'm actually crying."
"Clutch cargos," Sadie offers, sans irony, and then "I'm actually crying."
"That too," John replies. Thanks for that. Such a fucking stereotype.
"I'm actually crying."
"Not that I ever got to experience their shows in real life, just heard the stories from my dad but the Eastown Theatre and Grande Ballroom too. RIP." Nicole says, trying to fit in.
"I'm actually crying."
"Hopcat was prob the nail in the coffin," Scott explains, offering a rare moment of intelligence in a Sadie conference call, and I contemplate blocking him but ultimately decide against it.
"I'm actually crying."
"I was just there in October! This is crazy," Cindy yells, trying to make this narrative about her.
"I'm actually crying."
"Soooo....what about Blowout opening night? According to the article, The Stick will be under renovation at that time," Lisa asks, as if it really matters.
"I'm actually crying."
"What in the actual fuck?" Jacob asks rhetorically I'm guessing as nobody replies.
"I'm actually crying."
"Alvins, also," Nicole again.
"I'm actually crying."
"Fucking horrible idea," comes from Kelsey, obviously not a golfer.
"I'm actually crying."
"Bust out your shiny shirt and get greased up !" Coleman exclaims, not sure if the statement is intended as being racist or not and since -jr has been blocked from the conference call, I guess I have no idea.
"I'm actually crying."
"I'm broken," Kelly sobs, taking it a little over the top.
"I'm actually crying."
"Boo," Max says, short to the point, realistic.
"I'm actually crying."
"I used to work for amir at a restaurant he owns in Ferndale, Guy is a Tottal ass hole. They will turn it into d-bag central," Matt says, taking a stand. I wonder if he worked at a sandwich shop.
"I'm actually crying."
"WTF," from Riley who might be a "maybe".
"I'm actually crying."
"You forgot Mr. muggs!" Natalie reminds us, and I have no idea who or what Mr. Muggs is, and also wonder if Mr. Muggs knows Guilty Simpson.

Guilty Simpson 
"I'm actually crying."
"State Control," John says. Silence.....Blocked.
"I'm actually crying."
"Gross," Becca says, and I don't know if she's commenting on the Magic Stick situation or....
"I'm actually crying."
"My band played the Magic Stick on Friday night and its probably been one of our favorite places to play/see live music in the Detroit area very disturbed this is happening..." Max says and I channel Patricia Arquette in True Romance "You are so cool."
"I'm actually crying."
"Oh no," Sophia yelps and at that the line cuts out and the conference call ends without anything really being accomplished.

 I roll to the other side of the lounge chair and log on to vintageerotica.com and see if anybody has uploaded next month's Playmate yet.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

size 12 update

Hip In Detroit's 3rd Anniversary will Make Your Head Explode!!!

3 years in business and not a pound has been shed. If anything, dem beer bellies have bloated to hot air balloon sizes. I can only hope that these windbag chuds float away. Unfortunately, their fupas have welded them to our fair city. Don't be fooled. This is not something to benefit the bands. This is not something to benefit the sponsors. Think about it, 20-50 people will probably show up in addition to the various band members. This is just another tepid ego stroke. They are the worst. 2 scugs that are actually worse looking than the Molly Soda contingent. Kill my eyes.



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