The New Face of Fear

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Sunday, April 19, 2015

Hip in Detroit Update

Can anybody confirm if Hip in Detroit has added a new reporter?

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

ass be leakin



Never Never Land
Dress To Get Screwed Party
Vampires
Palakon
People Are Afraid To Merge
Burn Fucker Burn
The Pre Saturday Night Party Party
The End of The World

The Fall of Bryan Metro. Out May 2nd.

-jr

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Crowdsourcing Site LIVE!!

Contribute to our memorable Blowout set here!

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

2015 Blowout Kickstarter

Last year, Bryan Metro had a Kickstarter/Indiegogo promotion where he raised money in order to cover the costs of providing the best Blowout coverage possible and it was a Ronda Rousing success.

However now that the Jesus Chainsaw Massacre is confirmed for the 2015 Blowout...


...the stakes are even higher.
So this year once again Metro is cooking up a Kickstarter, but this year the funds will be used to cover the costs of playing Blowout.  Myself, -jr, Wang, Elizabeth First, Peter the Freshman, Suck, and the Indian all have very important lives and our time is incredibly valuable so this is your time to contribute not only to our efforts for our very last show at Blowout, but actually make a difference in the local music scene.  To take a page from The Meatmen's book where they had a Kickstarter to fund an album that would have been done nonetheless to "ensure better quality" we here promise that the more you contribute the better the Blowout set will be.  We have never lied to you. Metro will be working on setting up the actual crowdfunding page but I am including a prevue of some of the rewards so you can start saving your pennies.  Come with me...lets go full circle

$5-  The JCM Basic Reward-  For just $5 the JCM will update you on the local music scene along with various pop culture lists and rude ramblings.  The link to the website will be emailed directly to you at no extra cost.
$8-  The Wang Piven Brisbois Reward- For this reward you receive one pair of cheap sunglasses along with 15 hashtags (pic with Kaleido chick not included).
$8-  The Bike Lock Reward-  For this minute donation the JCM will provide you a bike lock so we don't have to see you begging on Facebook or other social media.  (Bike lock must be returned after Blowout).
$10-  The Carjack Reward-  For a measly $10 a member of JCM will hang out with you and talk about themselves for a thrilling 5 minutes




$10- The Dollar Bill Trick Reward-  For $10 the JCM will provide a dollar bill and tease a homeless person of your choice.



$15- The Cosmic Light Shapes Reward- For this tiny amount a member of JCM will call the police on you for a reason of your choosing.



$15-  The Christen Carolin Reward-  For $15 we will arrange for Christen Carolin to post baroque, cryptic, unexplainable posts on your social media timeline for a week.



$15-  The Von Bondie Reward-  Subsequently, for $15 a member of JCM will kick the shit out of you.
$20-  The JSB Reward-  For $20 a member of JCM of your choosing will appear with your band for one show. (Limit 15 rewards).


$20- The Anastasia Gold Reward-  For $20 we will give you the log on and password for Anastasia Gold's WWE Network account




$20-  The Marco Polio Memorial Roommate Reward-  For $20 a member of the JCM will spend a week trying to find a roommate or as many roommates as you need.




$30-  The Amino Acids Reward-  For $30 the JCM will take an image of your choosing (image must already be in public domain) and put it on a shirt along with a "witty" slogan of your choice!



$40-  The Marcie Special Reward-  You get a free haircut courtesy of JCM and Bryan Metro will be in attendance to ogle...
$75-  The Hip in Detroit/Sadie Reward-  The JCM will treat you to a dinner at the famous Slows BBQ!
$75-  The Hip in Detroit/Other Girl Reward-  The JCM will take you to get a full makeover!
$100-  The Dallas (Texas) Reward-  For only $100 a member of JCM of your choosing will cuddle with you.....whether you like it or not.
$500-  The Detroit Music Award-  For this small fee, the JCM will sell their DMA to you.  A once in a lifetime opportunity.





There may be more rewards to come once I set up the actual Indiegogo page and of course we will have the link posted here soon.  See you on May 2nd!

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro











Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Look Way Down the River.......

.....what do you think I see? I see a band of angels.....   and a Cult of Personality




After our amazing coverage of the Hamtramck Shylock Fest I thought for a second that it could be it for the JCM's "Wrestlemania Season" for 2015.  We've burned a lot of bridges over the past calendar year so I was ready to just take the rest of the year off, maybe take a few vacations, doff a few tops, but then earlier this week we were contacted by the Metro Times to play this year's Blowout.  I can't even get into the thoughts that I had after receiving this correspondence.  Of course the obvious- April Fools.  Okay, well played.  Next, I thought that it could be a way for them to ensure we don't set up another Kickstarter and cover Blowout again like last year.  Next, it could be a way to get us in one place and dump a bucket of Hip in Detroit blood all over us at our crowning moment. Hell at one point, I thought it could be a way to stick it to the HamFest crew.  Then I thought that the date proposed is the same day as the Mayweather/Paquiao fight and after looking at the announced acts so far that day it did seem a little soft and who better to get people talking than......us.  Then, I thought, maybe I think too much.

So we agreed.

On Saturday May 2nd, we will performing at Blowout for the last time.  Whiskey of the Jar in Hamtramck.  I have decided, as an original member of this band, that this will be our last show.  Our retirement show, if you will.  Next year Metro Times can induct us into the Hall of Fame or whatever.  We don't care.

It has been an amazing eight year run of pissing everybody in this fucking city off by speaking the truth and there's less than a month to do it just a little while longer, while taking everything full circle.

So there's three options:
A. Metro Times is planning on pulling our invite after we start talking about it to troll us.  A very good possibility because our site hits are through the roof this weekend so somebody is watching.
B.  They are hoping for the publicity.  We can oblige on that. We get it.
C.  They won't be able to find anybody else to play with us.  But all they would have to do is promise Tunde that there will be a video crew there.  Problem solved!


Sooooooo JCM's retirement show should be May 2nd at the Whiskey in a Jar.  You're probably going to want to keep an eye here.....

When the band comes around......
Bryan Metro

Monday, March 30, 2015

Metro Times Blowout 2015 Opening (and Final) Volley

So the Metro Times is gearing up for another foray into the realm of failed local music festivals (following Eugene Strobe and is uh yeh ok cool kids Hamtramck Music Festival).

This week was pretty huge as they released the flier for the kick-off party  After two years now I don't understand how Chris Johnston still has the pull to book a single show in this town. Annnnnnnnde yet his fingerprints are all over this year's Blowout.  For a minute, take a....minute to review my coverage of last years Blowout Wristbands huh?

So the powers that be release the Blowout Kickoff show flier and they blow their load with New York City's Andrew WK, the "we can't get over" Jamaican Queens, Flint Eastwood who were and then weren't on CJohnst's payroll, and unfortunately to us, The Beggars, who are actually really good but have been whoring themselves out lately for the same show and the same audience..
Yeah....cool deal that Jamaican Queens and Flint Eastwood both got opening night slots on Blowout, and everybody else has to look at a website designed like This


But everybody......don't freak out.....you will have the one day to accomplish......OK nothing





From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Monday, March 23, 2015

The Fall

April 7th

We all fall.

-jr

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Hamtramck Music Festival-Day 4 Revue

Woke up at 4pm. Stayed in bed till 5:30. Finally moved to reacquaint myself with the Sunday schedule of HamFest. Remembered a comment on a previous post saying I should just stay home and jerk it. In the past I have tried to be a man of the people and honor any (non-life threatening) requests from the thousands of readers. I remember somebody told me years ago to go away, play my show, and make sandwiches or whatever I do onstage. So for that show all I did was make sandwiches. Which is ironic since most of our critics these days make sandwiches.

So I took this recent advice and started to jerk off. I first tried using a video that one of the JCM guys sent me while I was sleeping this morning of a blowjob compilation except it was sped up. It was interesting at first but quickly became hilarious because the audio was also sped up which meant there were Alvin & the Chipmunks yelps, whoops, and squeals throughout. I couldn't even tell if it was the guy or girl and since I was watching on my phone it was a lost cause. I then switched to my go to porn search database and dig up the latest Jessa Rhodes videos (my go to girl) posted the last three months and let me tell ya things were looking up. However I made the mistake of looking away and saw 2 of my cats watching me so I fixed my eyes on the TV and saw coach's interview with Stan Van Gundy after the 1st quarter of the Pistons/Hornets game and it became apparent that a climax was not in the cards today (for now at least). So I tucked Little JSB back in my pants and started to work on spreadsheets.

Does anybody aside from the organizers even go to these Sunday Fest circle jerks?

From the Iceman Comment,
Bryan Metro

Hamtramck Music Festival- Day 3

After being up until 5am typing up my Day 2 revue for this cursed Fest, I woke up at 9:50am because I wanted to get Opening Day Tigers tickets.  I have been trying the past few years because I have never been to an Opening Day before and even though I could easily purchase them via the secondary market (that whole working for something rather than just blindly begging for things on Facebook thing I alluded to yesterday), I am a rather stubborn man.  I wanted, needed, to be one of the chosen few who actually got through online and pay face value.  I'm a very stubborn man, baby.

So I wake up at 9:55am and log on to the house laptop (the office computer is inaccessible due to the GF's daughter being sick and the office designated as the official "Sick Room").  Amazingly, I was able to bypass the online queue and tag a standing room ticket.  Unfortunately, and this is my error, the house laptop was not bookmarked with my credit card (that whole working for something rather than just blindly begging for things on Facebook thing I alluded to yesterday) and my ticket request timed out sending my ticket back into inventory.  I try the online queue again to no avail so I run and hijack the office kicking the Kid out, vomit everywhere, and then apologize to the house for my Jack Torrance-esque outburst and then discover that my two tickets have indeed been acquired.  The most gratifying part of this entire ordeal is that I had zero intention of going to Opening Day.  One ticket was a birthday present and the other was for anybody I know who wants to go but can't afford the secondary market.  I see it as a little prideful lesson to all the bores who incessantly fill my Facebook feed with shameless self promotion and "look at me, what I can do" posts, and selfies with not even a hint of a doffed top, and finally a contradiction to everything that has been said about us, the JCM....we can do good.  The finality of the Hamtramck Music Fest is not "We are a city, we can do good", but rather, "Look at me, see what I can do".  A method for failure.
At around noon I went back to sleep.

I woke up again at 7pm and the house was empty so I wandered downstairs and got caught up watching Inglourious Basterds for a little while which turned into a long while and reminded me that I have to post my promised Tarantino rankings this week.  It was now 8pm and I started weighing the pro's and con's of attending the Hamtramck Music Fest tonight.

Pro's:  It was 8pm so "Don't call us the Von Bondies (for legal reasons)" Ponyshow set should be done by now.  Actually, that's the only Pro.

Con's:  - After being anonymously threatened all week via e-mail (bryanmetro1@hotmail.com) I could be in physical danger.
-  Having to overhear Sean Lynch and/or Carjack talk about themselves all night.
-  The Detroit Party Marching Band of theater rejects.
-  I could be "roofied" and subsequently raped by Christen Carolin or *shudder* Anastasia Gold.
-  The subconscious desire to become an UBER driver and caravan as many people into the Detroit River as possible.
-  T-shirt dude old man Dust Amino Acid guy said he would not have my "Follow the Buzzards" shirt ready in time most likely due to devoting most of his time to stealing others' designs, logos, and slogans without compensation.

I hopped in the shower; totally naked.  I made my decision.  I hopped into the BMW and headed to Miller's in Dearborn where I ordered a plain hamburger and fries along with two High Life drafts and wrote this up.  I am a better, healthier person because of it.  I know what most of you are thinking:  "You haven't seen/contributed a minute to the Hamtramck Music Festival".  To that I say to you:  "Don't shoot your wad.  Maybe I have been waiting.  Maybe I don't have any plans at 2pm Sunday and I know wristbands aren't being checked anymore."

Anyway , that is my Hamtramck Music Fest Day 3 revue.  And thanks to my tv habits tonight I have added a bonus coverage this weekend (not tonight though), my ranking of Quentin Tarantino's films.  Stay tuned tomorrow for those along with my in depth coverage of the afternoon Puss Post #10 set.  Sorry it wasn't as good as last night's post but you get what you pay for.  Xoxo.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

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