Out now on Checkers Records Collective, the new LP by JCM, "The Fall of Bryan Metro".

Listen To This Now!!!!

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

The Jimmy Doom Sizzle Reel

Hey all, Metro here. I know the past year or so on the Lavender Blog has been kind of like a cloudy day, with me going on rant after rant about local corruption, sleazebags, and maybe some pedos, and in that year I have forgotten what people started to come here for:  THE LAUGHS!  Knowing that the shutdown date of Oct. 8th is looming, I wanted to try to get back to the roots of the JCM Blog, that being, making you laugh.  And what better way to do that is the Jimmy Doom Sizzle Reel Special.  A sizzle reel is kind of like a greatest hits for actors, singers, etc, but mostly actors.  One of my Constant Readers pointed out that local bartender Jimmy Doom has a Sizzle Reel of his own, and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to post it here.  Now, truth be told, I am not a fan of this dude.  He's a pandering, old, unfunny, sack.  However, since this is the final year of the blog, I would like to make amends and post his Highlight Reel so that people could actually see it. You know, as opposed to nobody seeing it.  At one point he accused me of trying to sabotage his acting career, which was untrue, but because it was on the internet everybody believed so, so I would like to make things right and post Jimmy Doom's Sizzle Reel here so the thousands of Constant Readers can have a chance to see what local, thoroughbred, hometown, regional, neighborhood acting really is. Hopefully this can jump start the acting career that apparently I sabotaged. I've rambled enough.  Here is the Sizzle Reel:

At the very least, my hope is that this apologizes for all of the times I have made fun of Jimmy Doom and his acting career.  At the very best, possibly one of my Constant Readers may see this and have a connection and pass it along to somebody making a movie not using a camcorder so that Jimmy Doom can finally catch that big break.  This is me not trying to drag down somebody's acting career, but rather, trying to build it up.  I did take a moment to look at his IMDB page, and usually "shorts" don't count because that's what people use to bloat...emphasis on bloat, their resumes, but I will include them in my next observation.  Here are some of Jimmy Doom's leading roles:
Biker Bill
The Hooded Man
Paper Man
Homeless Man
Death Face #1
Sid Seizure
Shadowy Man
Inbred Savage
Tugboat Captain
and, Gus.

It has always been this way, especially these days, for those fuckers in Hollywood to typecast somebody and not let them show their true talents, and frankly I am sick and tired of it.  I hope that the national exposure my blog gets helps the evolution of this career.  I want to see roles such as:
Professor #1
Deli Worker
The Vet Tech
Bill the Vegetarian (Gangs of New York knockoff)
Transgender Bartender
Famous Musician #2
Elementary Teacher With a Heart of Gold
Dennis Miller in biopic
Bob Seger in tribute band for Roadhouse remake

Of course all the haters will say Hollywood needs character extras....errrr actors, but I want this flower to bloom, and hopefully I did my part today, so I will close the book on the Jimmy Doom saga.  It was a hoot while it lasted.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Friday, May 18, 2018

You Don't Know JACK! #metoo #update

*UPDATE*- One day.  All it took was one day for Jack Lessenberry to resign from the Metro Times due to.......well what really? Before I "get into it" here is the link to the Metro Times statement:
The Times They Are A Changin'

Ok, all caught up?  Ok, all of this is so golden. Both the Metro Times and Jack-o need to hire professionals to help deal with this.  From what I gained from the latest article is that the Metro Times nor any of Jack's other employers received a single formal complaint and the Metro Times is "proud of the work he's done".  The editor in chief decided to suspend him anyway instead of supporting their employee.  What a fucking pussy. Actually Pussy #1. Zero names, zero formal complaints.  Is this all it takes today to fuck somebody up?  My favorite line was "Unlike the rest of you, however, I was faced with a difficult decision on how to respond. "  "Unlike the rest of you".....way to talk down to your readers, how many little are left. Lets be honest here, this was handled, in the words of Walter, BY A FUCKING AMATEUR.

On to Pussy #2-  Lessenberry himself.  His reasoning for resigning was because he felt the suspension was unjust (a valid argument), basically falling on his sword in the name of integrity. Ummmmm nahhhh.  Lets take a look at this from a national perspective.  The #metoo movement has righted some wrongs (Weinstein/Spacey/etc) and made things worse also in that anybody can say anything and have it taken as fact.  Both sides do it.  This is just what we have to live with in 2018.  Lessenberry's biggest fuck up was how all over the board his comments are on this.  In the original links (found below) he said that "most" of the accusations were untrue. Ummmmmm, and you have been a journalist for how long?  Why use such a subjective term as "most" in your official statement.  In the latest link (found above) he is quoted as "not being a perfect person". Here's the catch, nobody is.  Based on the number of (not formal) complaints, there may be something there.  Where there's smoke type thing.  But if there isn't why not stand up for yourself and fight the suspension, maybe even flirting (okay wrong choice of words) with legal action.  This is the Metro Times we're talking about here.  They don't even have a decent writing staff, much less a legal team.  Hell, Lessenberry would have come off better if his reason for resigning was he found out Lee DeVito was his editor.

*UPDATE X 2*  He just stepped down from Wayne State:
Nothing To See Here!

In closing I did send my original post (found below) to Lessenberry, and yeah, it may have been a tad too mean, but I also tried to rectify it by offering another perspective above.  So basically, I'm not taking sides in this.  Both sides are fuck ups.  Here is the original post:

Hey all Metro here.  I usually write longhand and then transfer to the blog but I'm too lazy to do so today so if this seems more off the rails than usual, there's your reason.  I don't really have anything of note regarding the JCM other than the blog archives have reached back to 2010, so I decided to look for external links to fill your time.

The first one that comes to mind is the report of Metro Times writer/Wayne State geezer Jack Lessenberry getting suspended amid allegations of "misconduct".  I have been reading, well actually scanning through, this geezer's shit for years and have even roasted him a few times on this very blog.  I've never been a fan.  I'm what you would call a moderate in that I agree with some right stuff and with some left stuff.  The fact that this waste of air is even called a "journalist" is even more ridiculous than me calling myself one.  You see it on both sides, the far right and far left; the inability to have a reasonable discussion.  For the past ten years, Lessenberry's Metro Times columns are not journalism at all, but just a bitter old man's ramblings, long winded and with an agenda, lets call him a nutty political Jeff Milo.  Now that he has been caught....ok, accused, with having his hand in the honey pot, drawing the love curtains, etc he finally decides to shut the fuck up and "let the university's attorney speak for me".  What a pussy.  Anyway, here are two links from the Detroit News and Deadline Detroit to get you up to snuff:

He gone!

Scumbag alert!

The second link is the better of the two because it goes into more detail what this sad old man has been doing while the News' post tread lightly because of his previous employment there when a few of these accusations took place.  The first, News, link gave me a laugh though because it included a comment from the Metro Times' editor in chief Lee DeVito.  I had to check my memory banks, but this is the same guy who used to write for Motor City Rocks and hated the JCM.  Now he has graduated to apologizing for filthy old geezers in one sentence comments.  Here is my prediction:  The Metro Times "look into the matter" will be about as thorough as HamFest's look into the validity of Ben's Encore and you won't see Lessenberry's work there again.  He'll probably pull a "Paterno Special" and be underground in a year.  No loss.

When it comes to the #metoo movement/fad I feel the door swings both ways.   It can, and SHOULD, affect everybody, but too often it is used for personal agendas like the Aziz Ansari situation.  In this case it makes me smile jusssssst a little bit, seeing some geezer who got a little too big for his britches being cut down to size.  And just to get it out of the way, to anybody saying "he hasn't been convicted of anything", the same can be applied to anybody else.  Remember the door swings both ways.  And there is this quote from the "man" himself: "In a response to Deadline Detroit, Lessenberry said the Detroit publication “presented me with a list of allegations, most of them untrue, that essentially amounted to innuendo."  For somebody who has painted himself the smartest guy in the room for years how can you make a mistake using the word "most" in a public discourse!!?  Then again he does, sorry, used to, contribute to the Metro Times.

That's about all I have.  I will post another link that most of you won't click.
Post Empire
  It's from a Bret Easton Ellis interview where he delves into some of the stuff I touched on above.  There are a lot of good fair points there and is worth a read. As most of the Constant Readers know, Bret, along with Stephen King, are my main writing influences, so if its worth my time, then it's double yours.  I know I promised new content and this is kind of cribbed content, but I totally would have cracked the Lessenberry case if I still read the Metro Times.  Soooo, keep your eyes open for new, Original, content Constant Readers!

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Local Music Bombshell!!

Hey all Metro here with a doozy of a local music bombshell.  After spending the last few weeks looking into it I have discovered that the


Hamtramck Music Festival is at the heart of another scam.  This one is especially rich.  So after a few years of trotting out the Ben's Encore charity as a "reason" to support the Fest and its shitty lineups they


had the audacity


to say that this year



Friday, May 11, 2018

Top 10 Most JCM JCM Moments

Metro here.  One thing we (and by we, I mean me) at the JCM/Lavender Blog won't deny is that we love to talk about ourselves.  Since nobody answered my job posting to be an intern, I have started early restoring all the old posts, going backwards.  Right now I have around 500 posts live and 1550 to go.  Of course, such a daunting task made me nostalgic, so I'm taking a brief break to make a list because everybody loves lists!  The Top 10 Most JCM JCM Moments.  With parent company North Central Positronics/Sombra/LaMerk shutting the blog down on Oct. 8th, 2018, I wanted to list some classic moments, all of which can be found in the archives once they are fully restored.  This is especially cool for the newer Constant Readers who have no clue who Ryan Allen is (spoiler alert:  Nobody does).  So lets take a trip down memory lane and revisit some greatest hits.  Who knows, you might learn something, ya dummies.
     One final thing I have to note is what in the fuck happened to just having fun?  I swear, the concept of fun is impossible in 2018 unless it includes 500 disclaimers to ensure that every demographic is represented.  Now don't get me wrong, every demographic should be represented, or to better put it, have the opportunity to partake in the fun but good lord, one cannot post or do anything these days without it being dissected on social media.  It all started in early 2017, maybe late 2016, and it made me not want to perform live anymore.  Now in 2018, I don't even want to be around anymore.  Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything silly, so don't contact Six Feet Over on my behalf.  But I was talking with a friend the other day and made the point that it would be impossible for a JCM to exist in 2018, with the things said and did.  Completely impossible.  And it kind of made me a little bit sad, but then I realized that the list below, which in no way is comprehensive of everything that happened in those ten years, is a beacon of hope for all the young(er) artists out there to remember the most memorable moments usually stem from going against the grain and not trying to please everybody who has a Facebook account and a block button. Rather, know your target audience, but in the end be true to yourself and your art/statement/whatever because that is so much more rewarding. This is me at my most earnest.  So lets stop being so fucking sad and look back at these Top Ten Memories.

Honorable Mention- The Mini Feuds- There always has to be an honorable mention right? In the 10 years of JCM's existence we probably feuded with every band around.  I always targeted the bands that I perceived as being shoved down everyone's throats.  In 2017/18 it was the Craig Brown Band.  Before that waste, it was Lonely Tunde.  Before that it was the Jamaican Queens, Zoos of Berlin, Hard Lessons, Friendly Foes, Electric Six.  Aside from E6 (who's push was bought and paid for) what do all of those have in common?  Despite the local media reach-arounds, they all fell flat on their faces.  So I was right all along.  I sense a trend forming here.....  Then of course there were the feuds with other blogs like Hip in Detroit and music venues like Small's and their neo-nazi door guys whose real job was just that and not trying to change the world being in a band like Her Dark Host.  These "feuds" were ultimately harmless, aside from a few hurt feelings, but it did illustrate that nobody really cares about the local music scene around here unless there is a bit of danger or controversy. Does anybody want to read about Tunde's take on the Flint water crisis when EVERY PERSON IS IN AGREEMENT?  It's boring.  I wouldn't expect anything less considering the source.  Should have went after Golden Corral changing their lunch menu policy that you now have to buy a beverage to get the lowest deal (just don't get the water).
Top Ten

10. The Jimmy Doom Saga-  This guy is a fucking idiot.  Also, the most recent entry on this list.  For those of you who don't know him (everybody?), he is a failed musician and a failed actor who last I heard slings drinks in Hamtramck.  One of my biggest mistakes was adding him on Facebook in 2017 (thanks Carolin).  I was subjected, no tortured, with a year's worth of pandering and begging to come to his bar.  He fancies himself the local Dennis Miller, except he sucks.  He put me over the edge when he started making jokes about selling Narcan whippets then backtracked like the pussy he is after the opioid narrative caught on.  After calling him out and subsequently blocked, he cried to his FB followers (an alarming number) that I tried to ruin his acting career.  That was the first time he actually was funny. I would like to take this moment to apologize to James Kenneth Mangina for costing him his spot on "Outside the Actor's Studio". A total waste of space.  A lot of space.

9. The Kelly Oxford Saga- The female Jimmy Doom; except she's actually somewhat successful.  She's someone who married into money, popped out some kids, and spends her days doing nothing but posting on Twitter.  Another goof who thinks she's more witty than she is.  I probably spent a whole year in the 2000-teens goading her into a feud.  The highlight probably being her messaging me saying she has a printout of this blog hung up in her office (the kitchen?) to inspire her to do better.  That never happened.  Not sure what she is up to today.  I'm also blocked. She did get the Lavender Blog an increased amount of national hits so, for that, I thank her. Ok, not really, lonely housewives are not my demographic.

8. The Matthew Dallas Saga- Ah yes....this one went down before everyone around town/social media started giving a shit about women's rights and sexual misconduct.  This dude Matthew Dallas (real name Adam Galanak) had a makeshift label (No Wave, then Electric Corpse) and was a semi-big local scene dude.  Welp, turns out he was a sex offender.  Minors, Dude, as Walter would say. Even better.....nobody around here even batted an eye.  He still played around town, set up fests, etc.  Well.....almost nobody.  Thanks to JCM the label quietly went bye-bye while all your Milo's and Melody's looked the other way.  This blog was 2017 before 2017 was cool.  All you SJW's from Hamfest 2017 please, I'm begging you, where were you then, and tell me I'm wrong. I guess it was okay then, but not really.

7. The Debut Novel- It started out as a gimmick in 2008, "The Invisible People", the debut novel of Bryan Metro.  Then it kind of became a real thing, even having a reading/show at the Ferndale Library in 2010.  To everyone who signed up on the mailing list I promise to have an update soon, eight years later.  Then it became a gag as I kept promoting it but never delivered, prompting anonymous commenters to hurt my feelings saying it will never come out.  Well, I am happy to say the novel is complete.  It is sitting on a shelf next to me in my Dogan office.  Will it come out before the blog shut down date of Oct. 8th?  What do you think?

6. The Fappening- In August of 2014 nearly 500 private photos of famous people were leaked to the internet, prompting an increased awareness of internet security, and to a lesser degree, common sense.  I woke up that morning and immediately took two vacation days from the hotel.  The pictures are easily found today, but at the time, sites were being zapped by the hour along with fears of legal action.  So by 2pm that afternoon (and five beers), I decided to run with it and do a Top 10 list.  Poor taste?  For sure.  Shrewd? You betcha!  To this day, it remains the most read blog post in its history, averaging 6,000 hits....per day that year.  If only I had enabled ads on this site, I'd be rich, which makes this a total JCM moment.

5. The First Post- It all started on Oct. 8th, 2008 with an innocent post about celebrating a birthday (mine....duhhhhh).  Back then, the JCM thought that we could break through the Detroit glass ceiling by music alone.  We were wrong.  Plus we never practiced.  So we became the blog that is also a band.  The only one.  Ever.  The rest is history (and will be uploaded soon).  This First Post will be up here as soon as I get to it.  Spoiler alert: It won't be the final post on the shut down date of Oct. 8th.  Too lazy/easy.  I also want to thank North Central Positronics, the Sombra Corporation, and LaMerk Ltd. for all of the trust and resources they pumped into this blog for the past 9.5 years.  I took my suspensions like a man and hope to have another job waiting for me after Oct. 8th, possibly even a supervisor in the Beamquake division. Xoxo

4. The 2014 Blowout Coverage- I was particularly salty this year being left off of Blowout so I set up a Kickstarter and raised $75 to buy a Blowout wristband so I could give honest coverage that would not have been provided elsewhere by the Milo's and Melody's.  So, I went and had three days of photos of empty venues in Detroit, Ferndale, and Hamtramck.  I also had an exclusive interview with the owner of a venue who pulled out after Day 1.  Metro Times' excuse: "They couldn't handle the fun."  Is their editor like 50 or something??  True to form, Blowout had us back the next year, the final Blowout, in a headlining slot no less.  All of the bands on our bill cancelled the week of the event and MT threw up their hands and just let me book the venue.  I did, and made sure that whoever played was snubbed by the event bookers.  These were people who actually cared about their craft, and I gave them a second chance.  I could have easily asked George Morris who would have responded with a signature "yeahhhheaaaahhhh", but no.  But I'm the "bad guy".  I've been told this was the best work I have ever done.  Maybe it is.  It's up in the archives for you to decide.

3. The Blowouts- Sticking with the Blowout theme, our actual shows there were classics.  Our first was 2009, at the very first Blowout, after we established ourselves as real shit talkers, yet never played any shows. I'm not one to brag but to this day, I am the only person who performed at a Blowout/HamFest to actually leave their set and attend another venue's set.  I also did much of the set with a paper bag on my head (RIP Eat This City).  The next year we had the Inglourious Basterds show where our street team collected over 1000 Metro Times that we attempted to set fire to.  This was also the year where we sat in with four other acts playing vintage tambourine.  Our next one (2013?) was the Spring Breakers show where I had the pressure cooker filled with local cd's ready to blow.  The last show at the last Blowout was the Jonestown Massacre show with the Flavor Aid for everybody in the audience.  We killed that one.  Pay no attention to the fact that every show but one was a threat to the crowd. Once again, none of this could ever happen today.  Blowout was always our Wrestlemania, and while we have had a ton of clunkers outside of this timeframe, we always stepped up for it.  Plus we got people talking about it.  Can Zander Michigan say the same?  Tell me I'm wrong.

2. Hamtramck Music Fest 2017/Ben's Encore-  The start of the downfall.  I (temporarily) went insane, causing the demise of the band part of JCM, when I thought it would be clever to post sexy time pics of an act during my act by act preview.  It only took two days for us to be kicked off the Fest, along with a few other acts once the witch hunt went full throttle.  At this moment I'd like you to go back and re-read Number 8, the Matthew Dallas Saga....Okay, done?  Yeah, that's what I thought.  Nothing to see there back then.  After being booted, I was sad of course, but then guitarist Peter the Freshman discovered that the fest's sponsor Ben's Encore was not an actual charity.  Of course I ran with it.  Six months later they had filled out the proper paperwork and as of this year, no longer sponsors HamFest.  To everybody who says nobody reads this blog I offer exhibit A, and it's only number 2 on the list.  Although I think this was my most satisfying moment in the blog's history, picturing the geezers on the HamFest committee board just sweating.  Sweat everywhere.  More moisture than Sadie Hip In Detroit's bib at Slow's bbq. Greatest moisture ever.

1. The Detroit Music Award- What else did you think it would be?  In 2009, after just one year (and four shows), we won the Detroit Music Award for Most Outstanding Electronic/Dance Group defeating the likes of Matthew Dear and Deastro (oh, go ahead and add him to the "shoved down the throat" list).  At the event we stole Ted Nugent's family's VIP passes and went backstage where nothing bad happened.  In the years that followed, we amassed a staggering 20 nominations, all without a win.  The only artist with a worse winning percentage is Carjack at an embarrassing 0.00%.  But for that one day, that one moment, the five months of non-hard work, the constant bullying of other local acts who practiced weekly and called playing Simon's After Dark a success, it all was worth it.  The JCM were kings, the Crimson.....no, the Lavender Kings.  And that is your Oct. 8th, 2018 spoiler alert.

So that's it.  A top ten list that could easily be 20+.  I mean who could forget the JCM causing the People's Art Fest at Russell Center to be cancelled forever, along with me being fired from my job as beat reporter for Motor City Blog?  I could do a top ten list alone of venues the JCM has been banned from.  A top ten list of times Elle from Elle and the Fonts almost made out with a member of JCM.  The only top ten list I wouldn't be able to fill would be the times that we practiced.  And to this very day it makes me smile how many people that last fact pissed off.  And thank you to all the Constant Readers over the years.  It's not over yet.  It's getting close, but not yet.  I am trying to upload at least 50 old posts from me a day, but I also still want to have original content. October is five months away so I hope to have at least one more Classic Post/Bombshell or at least some nudes of Marcie Bolen. Stay tuned slurries!

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Tuesday, May 8, 2018



SERIAL AA 24242424


Friday, May 4, 2018

Latest Milk Carton- Asia Mock

Spending the past few days re-upping all the old blog posts unleashed a wealth of forgotten (probably drunken) memories along with forgotten writing habits on the blog.  The past year or so has seen the blog become slightly bloated with taking people to task and righting the wrongs in the local music scene.  IE:  not as "fun" as it used to be.  I completely forgot about the posts that were posted just to get under people's skin and have no real merit.  I'm not saying I can go back to that mindset but I can at least try to compromise and have something irreverent along with helping out the local community.

So, after my shift at CVS and before going to my mother's basement to crash (saved you the time anonymous commentors) I stopped at a party store for cheap drink and milk for my mom.  Something on the milk carton triggered my memory to a time long forgotten.  It was a "Missing Persons" advert for Asia Mock, and it got me thinking.....whatever happened to that nutso?

For the new(er) Constant Readers, Asia Mock is/was the frontwoman for a shitty local act named Pretty Ghouls who only got booked because the guitar player was banging Danny Dust Rod and had a drummer that did not own a single piece of clothing that actually fit him.  They had a Cramps vibe and were about to get the "big push" but then Asia went insane.  This happened around the time of 2017's Hamtramck Music Festival controversy where she went full social justice warrior thinking it would propel her to even higher heights, but as usual when this sort of thing happens, it of course backfired.  It got so bad that she lowered herself to commenting on this blog, even challenging me to a fight....at a coffeehouse no less.  After chatting with a few local scenesters when I saw the missing person's carton, the consensus is that she is/went insane and is no longer on social media, or may be even banned from it.

Since I have been notified by North Central Positronics that this blog will be terminated on Oct. 8th of this year, I am making an effort to tie up all loose ends with feuds through the years, and this recent one would be a good place to start (next week will be the Ryan Allen Planned Parenthood post).  So if anybody has any contact with Crazy Asia Mock please pass these links along so I can close the book on this:
Michigan Mental Health Network

Keeping Michigan Healthy

T-Shirt Guy

Hopefully they can get the train back on the tracks and maybe one day we can meet at a coffeeshop, not to fight, but rather to have some java. I take mine with lots of cream and lots of sugah.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

We're Looking For Interns

Hey all, Metro here.  The weather has finally turned.  The tree outside of my writing room at the undisclosed compound has started to bloom.  The Tigers' season has begun and the NBA/NHL playoffs are in full swing.  It is the start of May which means we don't have to listen to that awful Jack White "April in the D' song anymore!  And I have never had so much to write about.

   Okay, that last line was a lie.  I have Nothing to write about.  This is not my fault Detroit, this is your fault.  I can't remember the last time the well was this dry.  Isn't there any geezer out there currently setting up a cash grab scam?  Did anybody OD this week and was not saved by the Narcan kits collecting dust at Hamtramck bars (wow, that feel good story faded pretty quick eh?)? Did JP from the HP run another business into the ground?  Will Caveman and Bam Bam crack the hundred show mark before the first day of summer?  Will Jeff Milo crack the hundred adjective mark in a single article? (Trick question; its every article!)  Will Sadie from Hip in Detroit crack the threshold of a fifth grade reading level?  Will the other girl from Hip in Detroit ( y'know, the plain one) finally win the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest?

   These are all valid questions, but frankly they have been done before.  All of these subjects get tons of hits, but I'm bored of them.  This blog has a shut down date of October 8th, 2018, so I'd really like to make the most of it.  Truth is, I still have a project exposing the Hamtramck Music Festival's permanent corruption, and also an expose on JP from the HP and the timeline involving the Campau Tower closing and subsequent cash grab.  My main concern is that none of you care about these real life things.  You are just happy to be coasting along hoping to be on the next festival and turn the blind eye to all the bullshit that is going on around town.  That's fine.  Promote your brand.  Turn the cheek.  None of you care where the money from the HMF went.  None of you care that John Panich took/stole over $2K from a GoFundMe, did nothing with it, and sold his restaurant. None of you care that XXXXXXXXXXX XXX  OD'd, aside from his immediate family.  None of you care that my "Boarding House Reach" cd/coaster is slowly dissolving due to excess beer and drool.  Thankfully, I have another cd, but really!  None of you care, and turn a blind eye to the Lee charade.  None of you care about Tunde........okay, that last one was a joke.  But actually, true.  My brain hurts.

Let me make this clear:  I am not throwing my Constant Readers under the bus.  This is not a burial, but an opportunity!  This is an opportunity to become a JCM/Metro/Blog Intern!

   This position will get your foot in the local music media.  Okay, that was a stretch because there is no local music media. This position will give you invaluable experience working a crowd in person and online; emphasis online. This position offers equal pay for everyone.  You will make what I make each week.  I will matchka it! Your main job responsibility will be to find me things to write about.  That's it!!!  After that, I will do the leg-work as I have for the past 9.5 years. Just give me the tip.....
   -You feel that JP from the HP fleeced over $2K AND still makes shitty music?  You are intern quality!
  -So, you're a little miffed that there was a recent opioid OD, and get this, Scott T-Shirt Guy was on this guy's friend list, but was too busy with his Narcan kit campaign to talk to an actual person about the pitfalls of addiction but would rather promote it via Facebook via public events.  Christopher Lee (yeah, the guy that nobody seems to talk about, served his country, died on American soil...yeh that guy) says....you are an Intern (another one bites the dust division)!
  - Do you have the ability to make fun of somebody who does not fit the public's perception of what beauty is?  Intern quality!

   Okay, back to being serious.  This intern job is serious business.  You can't just slack off and say "Hey make fun of Fuzz Fest 5!"  Number one, nobody cares about Fuzz Fest 5, and they make fun of that on their own based on the lineup.  All the same acts that played HamFest and I actually saw the excuse "A lot of people in Ann Arbor can't make the drive to Hamtramck."  I'm not kidding here.  People said that.  That was their excuse.  Okay, fuck Fuzz Fest 5.

  Please keep in mind, and this is the important part, that this internship has risks....

- You will have to help edit/re-up/find better links for thousands of posts dating back to 2008.

- You will most likely be harassed by neo-nazi metalheads DEMANDING the blog be shut down because "It iz muh opinon". Pay no attention to them as they are easily detected: Overweight, beard, generic tattoos, bullying threats, failed bands of their own, mostly hanging out at/work at Smalls.  C'mon, you know the type. Justin Felix,and Matthew Reed, Ize lookin at you.

-You will have to come up with alternative names for these failed bands.  Her Dark Doorman, Her Failed Host, Dean Wormer's Fat and Stupid Insult are all taken.  So step it up!

-  Your real job will be targeted.  I worked at a five star hotel and one day I was called into the HR office because of puss complaints because of this blog.  It started out tense, but by the end, we were all laughing.  The, this past year, some fucking retard, posted on Facebook the name of my employer, North Central Positronics, imploring them to fire me due to this blog. These are the lengths that people will go to, so as an intern, please be careful.  However, North Central Positronics is a work of fiction from the Stephen King Dark Tower series.  This dude tried to get me fired from a corp that DOESN'T EXIST!  I run the NCP FB page, yet these people still want me fired from a fake corporation I actually manage.  Okay, this may be the easiest internship of all time!

So c'mon constant readers.  Give me something to work with.  Local music isn't doing it, and this site will be shut down by North Central Positronics on Oct. 8th, 2018.  Lets at least try to make it interesting.  Or don't.  Like I, or anybody else around here, gives a shit.

*  If you are interested in the position feel free to contact me via the comments, Facebook or e-mail at bryanmetro1@hotmail.com.  Doffs get first priority.

Making Tomorrow, Today,
Bryan Metro.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Metro's Return + Jack White Show+ Review

Hey all, Metro here.  Still trying to work back into form which is why I'm posting on a Friday because nobody reads on the weekend, and with record store day tomorrow (Spare me), lets just get this out of the way.  There isn't much video or photos of the Jack White show last night and as the best local journalist I am working on finding out why.  Until then, I did have a few Constant Readers at the show (I sold my tickets, see original post below) give me some updates.  I will try to convey the experience...

First off, I don't have any info on Negative Approach.
Next up, word is that the Craig Brown Band bombed.  There was zero reaction and barely any crowd, most likely because they were all tied up checking their smart devices into their Yolandi bags.  Okay, kidding.  Most likely because nobody cares.  So can we just pull the plug on the "push" this dude is getting?  Right now he is neck and neck with Tunde in the "Chance after Chance after Chance" DMA award.  Quick Tunde tangent-  Now his platform is the Flint water crisis.  Way to go picking a cause that 100% of the country agrees on.  Oh wait, you have new music coming out?  How contrived. His Metro Times article has zero heat whereas the one about Queen Kwong that had a solitary mention of JCM was lit. For somebody who has wasted the prime of his life making uneventful music that Pitchfork is obligated to post on and going to Golden Corral you would think he would figure out how to work the media.  Whatever.  Zero heat.

As for the White show, all reports say it was good, which I expected.  I did research the setlist and it did come across as a letdown for my tastes.  I will post it here for any Constant Readers who didn't want to spend $13 on Stubhub to go (see original post below):
Over and Over and Over
Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground
Corporation April in the D!
Why Walk a Dog?
Hello Operator
Love Interruption
I Cut Like a Buffalo
Everything You’ve Ever Learned
Hotel Yorba (with his mom...Spare me)
We're Going to Be Friends
Steady, as She Goes
Respect Commander
Ball and Biscuit
Don't Hurt Yourself
Connected by Love
My Doorbell
Sixteen Saltines
Carolina Drama
Seven Nation Army

I guess its a decent setlist, but only 22 songs.  When I last saw McCartney he did 12 more songs than that.  I do like that he included all phases of his catalogue. By the way, whatever happened to Brendan Benson?  That scab seemed to be everywhere a few years ago only to move out of town because somebody broke into his loft.  Craig Brown......this is your future. Or, actually, present because nobody cares.  So that's my recap of the show.  I at least tried to get you the setlist.  Oh, by the way, my steak was great last night, and I must say I am a changed man because I managed to avoid any Drinkard Sisters Little Caesar's Arena catering jokes in this update.

*A Message from North Central Positronics*
After further review, we have decided to reinstate blogger Bryan Metro, but will keep him on a short leash.  We have also reported the numerous physical/death threats of Matthew Reed/Reid of Battle Creek, MI to the police.  Thank you for reading. Keep "Making Tomorrow, Today!"- Andy the Messenger (among other functions)

Hey all, Metro here.  I'm baaaaaack.  First off I would like to thank everybody who sent personal messages of support during my suspension, and to anyone who foolishly sent death threats via personal message....well see the statement above.
Anyway, I promised to ease back into the blog thing (which means this will get zero hits) with some random observations of a thing that is getting worse and worse; that being ticket brokers.  I also have a few random notes about the Jack White show tonight at Little Caesar's Arena (LCA).  So if any Constant Readers came here for nudes of Marcie Bolen or Dear Darkness (eeek, who would want the latter??) feel free to click off, or stay reading, like I care.  I don't expect the hits to be high with this one, but I'll get back into the groove soon.

Okay, one thing that really bothers me (out of a thousand) is ticket brokers.  They grab all the pre-sale codes and grab most of the tickets for shows to sell on the secondary market for a profit.  Sure, it's capitalism at its finest but it still rubs me the wrong way.  Which is why I love when it blows up in their faces.  Tonight's Jack White show at LCA is a perfect example.  I have a feeling the show will be a bust, but because of the no-phone policy it won't be documented.  The show "sold out" in its opening week.  More on that in a minute.  Here are the face value prices from Ticketmaster- Upper level: $39 & $59 + fees (usually around $10), Lower level: $69 & $89 +, Main floor:$89 +.  Keep in mind that each ticket purchase includes a copy of his new solo album "Botched Album House" which only means to pad the stats of records sold.  Prince did it first.

Truth be told, I was lucky to grab a pre-sale code and grabbed 2 tickets in the $39 section and beat the brokers because I thought it was an interesting show to see.  I went on secondary markets like Stubhub and saw the brokers already had them at $75.  Ridiculous and sad.  Once the show "sold out" the secondary market crashed.  In two weeks they were down to $54.  I told my advocate to move the tickets.  They sold for $54.  As of this week, seats were available for $14, and today even $13.  Main floor seats for $59.  The brokers who bought up all the tickets are freaking out because the demand does not meet the supply and they are selling for a loss which puts a smile on my face.  Of course White still gets paid, but it has to be jarring tonight when he experiences what the Pistons and Wings did this year and sees all the empty seats that weren't filled.  Or maybe not, he still gets paid.

Also of note, after it was announced as "sold out" tickets were made available at Third Man Records for $5 (why not 3?) but you had to but 3 records one of which had to be White's.  Once again padding those sales.  Also of note, this week additional seats were released and as of this posting are still available at face value on Ticketmaster.  But why pay that when you can get them for 50% on Stubhub?  Yeah you get the new cd included at face value, but have you heard it???  It is god awful.  Completely unlistenable.  I have two of them because of my initial tickets.  I do have to chuckle at the brokers who bought up entire rows to cash in on White's (fading) name.  They now have like 17 cd's of the new record.  Its the equivalent of Best Buy selling "Chinese Democracy" for a buck back in the day.

Plus he did the pop-up show last night at Third Man Records for Vault members and $33 everybody else, so the diehards already saw him. $33 for 9 songs.....good deal! Of course Rock and Rummage was there (probably got in free) and I wouldn't be surprised if Roddy Hogan was too.  Plus it also had the no phone gimmick which is silly.  I can appreciate it when places like the Alamo Drafthouse theater chain invokes a no phone policy because I don't want a flashlight popping up during a movie, but some people like to document their experiences.  And don't give me the BS line about how "You should be listening".  The new record sucks, and I believe the phone gimmick is so that it doesn't get out, despite the fact that "Independent" Jack White sold one of the (awful) songs to Fox Sports for its "April in the D" theme.  Sides. "WHO'S WITH ME?!" The ticket brokers...

Finally, my plan for the show (before I flipped my tickets for a profit) was to get one of those Halloween USA full person phone costumes and wear it to the show.  But then I realized it would be pointless because nobody would be able to document it because of no phones.  Just like nobody will be able to document the lukewarm reaction to the new material tonight.  Speaking of tonight.  I am planning on getting a great steak.  At first I was thinking a $54 high end special at Ruth Chris, but then I decided to stick in the teens and probably go to Outback.  At least the servers there aren't all dudes.  I'm back, have fun!

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Saturday, April 14, 2018

A Message From North Central Positronics+ Offer

Due to the actions of blogger Bryan Metro/Sturr, this blog is being suspended indefinitely.  It still has a termination date of Oct. 8th, 2018.

To apologize to the Constant Readers we would like to inform you that since the Craig Brown Band was added as an opening act to the Jack White show this week ticket prices have plummeted to $14 on resale sites such as  Stubhub.  The lowest prices for face value tickets were $39 (plus fees) so this is more than half price for the tickets.  This is absolutely a catastrophic loss for the brokers who bought up all the tickets, and as an apology, North Central Positronics would like to give you this heads up if you wanted to see the show.  It's possible in a few days ticket prices may drop to JCM levels (which means you get in for free).

Andy the Messenger (among other functions)

An Apology to Detroit

Hello, this is Andy the Messenger (among other functions), and I am here on behalf of North Central Positronics LTD to address the nationwide situation regarding Bryan Metro's posts.  Recently Bryan Metro, a ten year employee at North Central Positronics, has caused quite the scene regarding the local scene, so I have been commissioned to apologize for it.

It finally came to a boiling point.  For the past ten years he has covered, poked, prodded, lambasted, roasted the local Detroit music scene.  Now that will come to an end because as of now Bryan Metro has been once again suspended by North Central Positronics and the Lavender Blog.  Because of the backlash from the Independent article and the Metro Times article we want to apologize to everybody in Michigan.  Because we are a fair corporation, the Crimson King has allowed Mr. Metro/Sturr to speak his piece.  I will turn it over to him.

Hey all, Metro here, about to start serving my suspension, but I did ask for a chance to apologize to a LOT of people in the hopes I get my job back.  To start here, I want to include the links to the two articles that caused all of this...
Here is the Independent Article:   The Independent Article
Here is the Metro Times Article: Metro Times Article
The Facebook comments are even worse.
I had no idea that things I said in 2017 would blow up this much.  At the time, I just wanted to get another Detroit Music Award nomination.  I never, at any time, intended for the Detroit music scene to be nationally thrown under the bus because of one person, me.  There are so many local bands that are deserving of attention that may have been slighted because of all of this, and for that I am sorry.  To any band that has been affected by this, I sincerely apologize.

For the past ten years I was just having fun, but yesterday my perspective changed.  I received a direct message threat from a Facebook user Mathue Read threatening physical harm, even death.  This was a very sobering moment for me, and sent me on this track to apology.  Here are the screencaps that caused this apology:

Okay, I think that is enough.  I want to apologize directly to this person for offending him so much he had to resort to physical threats of violence.  For me to awaken that type of anger in somebody is inexcusable. And for that I am sorry. 

I maybe just got a little bit out of hand in my previous posts which would set off somebody to actually direct message me with physical harm, but I never intended any harm to anybody, and if people like Matthew thought so, I want to offer the sincerest of apologies.  Before today, I had zero personal contact with Matt, but his passion regarding my posts, along with the death threats, caused me to take a step back and finally apologize.  I really mean it. 

Back to the task at hand.  I really do want to apologize for anything I have said over the past ten years that may have offended anybody.  I really thought it was satire and I like to think it gave a lot of local, homegrown, acts a rub.  So, on a personal level, if I ever said anything about you that hit the wrong nerve, I am sorry.  At this point, apologize is all I can do.  If I can promote your next show or record release please contact me.  My positive posts don't get nearly the number of hits as my negative ones, but I will try.

I am retiring this blog on Oct. 8th, so keep living the dream till then.  Once again, I am sorry, but what was up with that Small's reference??

To close, I compiled a list of specific people I should apologize to.  This is it:

-George Morris:  I am sorry.  You are a handsome man.
-JSB:  I am sorry.  You are a good booker, and can have 5 more bands for all I care.
-Marcie:  Sorry for the "Bug" stuff and the photoshops.
-Anthony Morrow:  Sorry.  You get it.
-C Johnst:  Sorry.  You get it.
-Ryan Allen:  Sorry.  You get it.
-Allen James: Sorry, I guess.
-Any act that had to share a bill:  Sorry, hope we brought in people.  Never got paid.
-Jeff Milo: Sorry for making fun of your whimsical, kaleidoscope, of a writing style.
-Hip in Detroit: Sorry for making fun of you in general, but mostly your writing skills.
-Superbomb: Sorry for retiring you.
-Matthew Dallas:  Sorry for posting that you were a sexual predator at a time when nobody around here cared about it because it wasn't the "in thing".  Basically ignored by all the people commenting now.
-Metro Times:  Not sorry at all because every time I pop up in articles and/or comments the hits and comments go nuts.  For that, you're welcome.
-The DMA's: Sorry for exposing you as not a real thing.
-Lee Majors:  I'll just say "sorry" and leave it at that.
-Tunde: I apologize for pointing out you have been given chance after chance in the local scene and did nothing with it.  I would also apologize to Gold House but nobody knows who they are.
-Seraphine Collective: Is this even a thing anymore.  If so, I apologize
-Scott "T shirt guy" Boyink:  I apologize for making fun of his efforts to stock local Hamtramck bars with narcan kits when just last week somebody on his friend page od'd and he made zero mention of it because it doesn't fit his narrative.
-Jason Von Bondie:  I want to apologize for the grandpa story at Famous Daves
-Smalls:  Well any time I get physical threats they usually are connected to Smalls.  So I want to apologize to everybody there, and I promise you will never see me again.  I'll be with everybody else.
-The Constant Readers for the last ten years:  I apologize for keeping you entertained.  I tried.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro
North Central Positronics

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

National JCM News (Plus Queen Kwong)+Update

*Update with commentary- Metro/Sturr here, and naturally everybody is talking about this Kwong article in Detroit because it involves Detroit.  For that, you're welcome.  I also feel content that not a single album purchase/download will come from it.  The initial reaction (I've been watching) was outrage that she would throw the entire local scene under the bus.  That soon evolved into ripping on me because of it.  Fine, I've been doing this for 10 years.  I can take it as well as give it out.  But what I have been seeing is so 2018 dialogue.  "She was shamed by this sad guy for posting nudes of her!" Okay.  She willingly took professional "photos", was paid for it, made public, to jump start a modelling career before she wanted to be a rock star. That didn't work out.  Is any of what I just said wrong? Ok, next.  "She was harassed because she married the guy from Limp Bizkit."  After her failed modelling thing flamed out she decided to be a rock star so she hooked up with the Borland dude, which if you are familiar with his work with Limp Bizkit is also quite the attention whore. Hence the move to Detroit where every local publication was obligated to report on.  Was any of what I said just now wrong?  Ok, next-  She was booked on a small local music festival (her words...am I wrong?) that I was booked on and I did what I have done since 2008 and lambasted every band playing.  It's my schtick, and before you say it's old, the fact that we are talking about this schtick ten years later proves it isn't old.  Problem is, she had no idea it was coming and was soooo offended that somebody had something bad to say about her when she expected (or contracted) universal praise.  I have roasted every local band for years.  Ask the lead singer chick from the George Morris and Gypsy Chorus. She buckled and hijacked the Hamfest committee, and I was removed.  That should have been the end of this narrative.  But no, she has a new record coming out so it is a good time to hop on the complain about everything bandwagon to sell more records (spoiler alert, not gonna happen).  It just annoys me to see some of these online complaints "Ahhhhh Metro ruined it for all of us."  Ruined what?  I leave that job up to you. There have been so many bands who have benefitted from this blog and the attention it got them I can't keep track.  And you can add Queen Kwong to that list because if you take out the "woe is me" Detroit angle that article has no juice because it would only focus on her music which nobody cares about anyway. Good riddance. The original article is unedited below.

Well well well, it's Wrestlemania season, and April in the D has been quite boring.  Let me fix this.

The Independent (an international type of media) has published an article with Queen Kwong regarding her "much anticipated" hold on...one second.....hahahahahahaha, okay, much anticipated new record.  And I could stop the post here because that's all you need to know.  This article was posted two days ago and attempts to parlay the #metoo movement into publicity for a record nobody will care about.  The hashtag thing has been around for months but she finally addresses it now when it's so convenient and you have an album to shill!  First off here is the link to the article, and I want everybody who is in the local music scene in Detroit to read it all the way through (the first half is boring because it deals with her music) because even though I was the asshole mentioned in it, she throws the entire local Detroit music scene under the bus when so many came to her defense.

I could do a top ten list of quotes from this (after getting past the banal talk about her music).
Right off the bat we have the CF disability "slant", followed by the praise for the debut album nobody has heard of, followed by some of the most narcissistic comments I've read that would make even me blush.  Of note, no mention of her meal ticket husband because, let's be honest here, she wouldn't be where she is without.  For a spell, I stopped reading because it was quite boring.  Then I got to the heart of the piece....

Now airhead.....lets dance....

“It’s very bro-y and very exclusive. It’s a really terrible mindset because it doesn’t benefit anybody. It’s like, ‘if you’re not from Detroit then you shouldn’t be here’. There are a lot of great things about the city but the rock scene - not all of the bands of course - seems so bitter.”
- This could be applied to any city where a band is trying to make their name. From what I hear, Whine Kwong was well recepted by all bands in Detroit aside from me, who saw through the charade.  The Fest....oh wait that's next....
"It was such a casual thing, she felt, to say yes to a request for her to play a smaller festival. But another band, who’d never met her, who’d never seen her play before, who she’d never heard of, took exception."-  Here we go.  A "smaller fest" that bills itself as the largest local music fest in the nation.  Their word, not mine.  I bet the booking committee should prostrate themselves at the feet of this nobody because she agreed to play.  And to call back the previous quote about nobody coming to her aid, keep in mind everybody did, and JCM was kicked off the Fest.  Yeah, nobody coming to her aid.  Spare me.

"They found topless photographs of her, taken by a professional 10 years ago, and used them as their avatars on social media, “as proof that I was just a slut and that’s how I got to where I was”.- Never used any pics as avatars on social media.  Just was proving a point, and the point is pretty much true.  This is the point I bring up zero mention of her husband Wes Borland from Limp Biskit as the meal ticket again.

"What was most frustrating, she says, wasn’t the band. “They’re just f**king losers.” She felt more let down by how the local rock community responded. She decided to pull out of the festival (“then it was, ‘oh she has such thin skin!’) and found herself in a board meeting, of course mostly filled by men, who offered their takes on what had happened to her."- She felt let down by how the community responded.  We were kicked off the fucking festival!  This is getting to the absurd point.  I expect next year's fest has an all female board. Also this- "How is a photo of a topless girl a big deal"....coming from the idiot making it a big deal.  Our tambourine player has photos out there.  It's not a big deal......but it's a big deal when it benefits you.  ZZZZZZZ

"I actually took the topless picture of me that they used and I printed it on T-shirts, and I played the show, sold the shirts and gave the money to a women’s shelter. And I said I was never going to play Detroit again and I didn’t.”- Zero proof where the money went of course.  She never said she was never playing Detroit again because it was always in the cards and she was just using the fest and other local acts just like she sucks the life out of the room.  Once again, she never said anywhere she was never playing Detroit.  And I am just one band.  One person.  That's thin skin girl.  Everybody else in Detroit/Hamtramck/ and that little festival was on your side.  Just excuses.

So lets get to this. Kwong has a "much anticipated"  (hahahahahahahaha) album coming out, and decided to latch on to the trend of the moment to sell it (hahahahahahahahaha) so the easiest way was this.  Go back and re-read the article.  The first and last parts are so boring.  Basically unreadable.  Sleep inducing.  The only interesting stuff is the Detroit angle and how one band, no one person could affect somebody so tragically.  I hope she wrote a song about me.  I really do because somebody at the Independent wasted 2 days writing and editing this crap. This is a slap in the face to anybody who stuck up for her, including "all those men" at the Fest committee who booted me off and stuck up for her.  This article is your reward.....  Oh, and for old times sake....Hey, it's art!

From the Iceman Commeth
Bryan Metro

Sunday, April 8, 2018

Top 34 Wrestlemania Moments

Hey all, Metro here.  On Thursday, the WWE ran a special on the USA network highlighting the "fan voting" of top Wrestlemania moments of all time.  It was pretty bad.  I'm talking Metro Times "Top 10 bands to keep your eye on" bad.  Here is a recap:
10. Cena vs. The Rock (eh, ok)
9.  TLC #1 (fine)
8.  Undertaker's streak broken (ok, little low)
7.  Hardy's return in 2017 (ummm what?)
6.  HHH/Undertaker Hell in a Cell (fine)
5.  Hogan vs Andre (little low)
4.  Charlotte winning the Women's title (reaching for remote)
3.  Daniel Bryan/WM 30 (ok, but too high)
2.  Roman Reigns/Brock Lesnar/Seth Rollins (broke remote in half)
1.  Taker/Michaels WM 25 (ok with that)

First off, its a crime to only devote one hour and 10 moments.  So leave it to me in my continuing WM weekend coverage to do this right.  Since this is Wrestlemania 34 this year, I am doing my Top 34 Wrestlemania moments list.  Now this is "moment" not "match", although many of the moments can be matches.  I already did a Top WM match list already (which will be restored this summer).  Also, this is not a top moment of each event list.  If a WM sucked (WM9) then you get no moments.  Simple enough?  Now lets vedge....

Metro's Top 34 Wrestlemania Moments
As always, these are my picks and opinions.  If you have different ones, the comment section is open 24/7.

Honorable Mention- Liberace vs. Pat Patterson No Positions Barred Match-WM 1/Referee Lee Majors- Since this took place behind the scenes and not televised this was not eligible for the main list.

34.  Bret Hart/Shawn Michaels Iron Man match- WM 12- One of the most overrated matches of all time but should be included.  Both were used to wrestling crisp 15 minute matches so this ended up being a crisp 15 minute match with 45 minutes of boring filler.

33.  John Cena Proposes- WM 33- A true, non-match WM moment.  Cena finally settles down after sleeping with half the female roster with the girl, Nikki Bella, who slept with the entire men's roster.  Hollywood ending.  Happy endings.

32.  Roddy Piper painted half black- WM 6- Among the most racist WM moments ever (second place to HHH vs. Booker T).  I'm guessing Piper came up with it the night before during a bender and Vince saying, "I love it because you are wrestling a negro!"  I actually think there is an action figure of this.  If I am mistaken you can make your own with any Piper figure and a sharpie.

31.  Roddy Piper/Goldust Backlot Brawl- WM 12- We have the first of our two Piper back to backs.  In this one he covers the homophobic angle nearly castrating Goldust in a "match" that was mostly filmed in advance.  This actually is influential because it gave birth to the pre-taped Broken Hardy universe.  Plus they recreated the OJ white Bronco chase.  Unfortunately, Piper did not have time to apply blackface again. Of note- Piper was my pops' favorite wrestler.

30.  Undertaker/Kane- WM 14- This was back in the days before one month buildups and was a match that everyone wanted to see.  Taker won the match, but still gave Kane a lot of offense.  More influential than people give it credit for.  Plus, had to get Kane on the list.

29.  Kurt Angle/Chris Benoit- WM 17- One of the greatest pure wrestling matches in history.  A classic.  Nothing more to be said.  Plus Kevin Sullivan is on line 1...

28.  Floyd Mayweather/Big Show- WM 24- Probably the best celebrity match in WM history (apologies to Lawrence Taylor and Snooki).  Mayweather came to fight and actually took some bumps which is insane given that a freak injury would have killed his boxing career.  Also, Show encouraged him to hit him for real resulting in a broken nose.  Your move Conor McGregor...

27.  Sting/HHH- WM 31- Has the honor of worst WM finish of all time (second place to HHH vs. Booker T). Still it is memorable for seeing Sting for the first time in a WWE ring and the NWO/DX brawl was great.  Wrong guy won though.

26.  Rock/Cena- WM 28- They tried to recreate the magic (and crowd reaction) of Rock vs. Hogan (more on that later) and came up short.  A match billed as "once in a lifetime" that had a rematch the very next year.

25.  Mike Tyson- WM 14- The Stone Cold/Shawn Michaels match was good given that Michaels was basically a cripple at this point, but the addition of Tyson got the mainstream media talking which led to WWE overtaking Nitro in the ratings.  I just wish Iron Mike would have practiced the crotch chop in the mirror more.  Like me every morning.

24.  Bret Hart/Roddy Piper- WM 8- The second of our Roddy Piper back to backs and his best match ever.  Enough said.

23.  Roddy Piper/Adrian Adonis Hair match- WM 3- I was here for this one! And this is the match I looked forward to the most.  My pops let me skip 4th grade the next day.  Also, the birth of the Brutus barber gimmick.

22.  Randy Savage/Ted DiBiase (w/Virgil)- WM 4- The first WM main event not to feature Hulk Hogan in the match (though he did appear) and the first time since wrestling went mainstream that somebody other than him held the title. Also, Savage holds the record for most wins at a single WM.

21.  Hulk Hogan/Randy Savage- WM 5- The main event of WM 4 led to a year long buildup for the next year's main event starting with one of WWE's best angles with Savage being jealous of Hogan and Elizabeth.  The match itself was Hogan 101, but the build made it.  Also of note, it's strange that during both of Savage's stinks as champion, he really didn't have any signature matches or feuds.

20.  Owen Hart/Bret Hart- WM 10- Probably the best opening match in WM history.  I would have ranked it higher but I can't shake the thought that they probably had the exact same match 100 times in Stu Hart's dungeon.

19.  Savage reunites with Liz- WM 7- The match with Ultimate Warrior was pretty good, maybe Warrior's best, but the real moment came after when Savage and Liz reunited leading to a storyline wedding.  The repercussions of this led to Jake the Snake turning heel and the Undertaker turning face, setting off his legendary run.

18.  Tables/Ladders/Chairs #1- WM 16- The first ever "Holy shit!" match (for those not watching ECW).  Edge, Christian, the Dudleys, and Hardys killed themselves in the match of that year.  I dropped it a few spots because it spawned indy guys killing themselves for a crowd reaction of 50 people that still happens to this day.  Get off my lawn.

17.  Austin/Rock- WM 17- Stone Cold and The Rock probably had the best chemistry of the Attitude Era and they delivered once again here.  The big moment was when Austin turned and joined Vince McMahon which made zero sense, a total "hotshot" angle to shock the crowd just for shock value.

16.  Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit as champs- WM 20- The closing moment of WM 20 was the culmination of a long journey for Eddie and Chris to both be champs despite not fitting Vince's look for a champ. I still wonder, what happened to those guys?

15.  Donald Trump- WM 23- I was here for this!  C'mon, the future president of the United States throwing punches that would make Shane McMahon seem like Mike Tyson, and then shaving Vince's head, and finally taking a Stone Cold Stunner??!!  David Lynch dreams of something as bizarre as this.

14.  Daniel Bryan's WM- WM 30- I was there for this!  After a year of crap angles yet organic fan support, Daniel Bryan finally won the big one, defeating HHH, Randy Orton, and Drax in the process.  It was almost enough to wipe the bad taste of #4 from earlier that night out of the crowd's mouths. 

13.  Undertaker/HHH Hell in a Cell- WM 28- Taker and HHH, hell in a cell, end of an era, Shawn Michaels as special referee.  This match is basically the culmination of a four year story.  The moment at the end where all three break character and hug is one for the ages.

12.  Bret Hart/Steve Austin- WM 13- The match itself was easily the match of the night, but this is all about the double-turn with Hart turning into a classic anti-everything heel and Austin becoming Austin.  This probably could be higher.

11.  Undertaker/Shawn Michaels 2- WM 26- This match is about as good as their first, but the big moment here is that it was the last of Michaels' career.  He still remains one of the few to retire that actually have stayed retired. And his leg never flew off.

10.  Wendy Richter/Cyndi Lauper- WM 1- Up until then, women in wrestling were treated as a sideshow in a business seen as a sideshow.  That all changed with the mainstream rub Richter and Lauper (with an assist from MTV) generated for WM 1.  Also, how is Kid Rock in the WWE Hall of Fame and Lauper isn't??

9.  Rock/Hulk Hogan- WM 18- I was there for this! Two of the biggest names ever at the biggest event of the year.  Easily the loudest, most bizarre, crowd I've ever been a part of.  The Rock had to call an audible and work as a heel because the crowd was eating up everything Hogan did.  The only downside is this lead to the crowd hijacking matches to make it about themselves which still happens to this day.  It was cute for a year, but now its just pathetic.

8.  The Main Event- WM 1- At the time, an event like WM 1 was sink or swim.  If this match would have bombed I probably wouldn't be writing this post right now.  The two most popular Hulk Hogan and Mr. T vs. the two most hated Roddy Piper and Paul Orndorff.  The match itself was basic with good guys beating up bad guys, but its cultural impact lasts till today.  Plus Jimmy Snuka didn't murder anybody.

7.  Randy Savage/Ricky Steamboat- WM 3- I was here for this!  This is an example of two guys who weren't main eventing saying "Lets steal this show".  The best match on the most well known WM.  Shame they never worked together again.

6.  Shawn Michaels/Razor Ramon Ladder Match- WM 10- This is an example of two guys who weren't main eventing saying, "Lets steal this show".  I rank this a very thin hair above Savage/Steamboat because it made a ladder match a thing (for better or worse) and was a little more organic and less choreographed. Flame away.

5.  Hulk Hogan/Ultimate Warrior- WM 6- This is an example of two guys who were main eventing saying "Lets steal this show". The two biggest names in the company, both faces, could have bombed, but it actually worked. As a kid, I was alllllmost as shocked as #4 when Hogan lost clean.  Last of the classic pre-internet main events.

4.  The Streak ends- WM 30- I was there for this!  Easily the most shocking finish in WM and maybe wrestling, history (which I think they may try to recreate this year, but Asuka is no Undertaker).  In the crowd, I knew something was off and afterwards found out that Taker was concussed early in the match and Brock had to call the spots (not his strong suit).  I think in 5 years they will regret this, if not already, with Brock leaving for the UFC.

3.  Ric Flair retires- WM 24- This was the culmination of a year long angle where Flair had to retire if he lost a match. Flair is one of the most iconic wrestlers ever, even having a Beggars song about him.  He went out having the best match of his later era against HBK.  To have the type of match he did at age 86 is astounding.

2.  Undertaker/Shawn Michaels 1- WM 25- In my opinion, the greatest, most complete, match in WM history.  They had fought before but never at a WM.  They had years between this match and their previous ones where they solidified their characters and movesets so everything felt fresh. Though this did introduce the "kicking out of finishers" era that John Cena perfected, at the time, it helped create one of the best matches of all time.

1.  Hulk Hogan/Andre the Giant- WM 3- Did you know that I was here for this? Not the best match at WM but the most important.  If WM 1's main event was a jump start then this was a nitro boost (no pun intended) for wrestling. The build was perfect with the shocking Andre heel turn and Piper's Pit segments.  During the match I didn't see a single person sitting.  Two larger than life characters at the biggest show at the most popular WM of all time.  It was tough to pick #1, but also easy.

So that's it Constant Readers.  I do have to apologize to fans of Chris Jericho and Mick Foley for not finding a spot for them on my list.  Feel free to swipe out Piper in blackface for Jericho's WM 19 match with Shawn Michaels or Mick Foley's WM 16 match, his only WM main event.  I'm sure some may disagree with the rankings or if I left someone else off.  I'm looking at you Morton Downey Jr. Feel free to correct me in the 24/7 comments section and enjoy WM 34 Sunday.  I promise to be back to making fun of local festivals along with covering the local opioid crisis next week.  Till then, we'll meet again.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Metro's Mega Wrestlemania 34 Prevue

Hey all, Metro here.  If you are one of the thousands of Constant Readers you know that we at JCM and North Central Positronics Corp. are big wrestling fans. We even call the early Spring dumb local festival season our Wrestlemania Season because, at first, it was when we always came out of hibernation to do shows, and after our retirement, it was when it provided a LOT of fodder for me to rip on local bands, expose fraudulent charities, and take the piss out of some old local geezers.  I remember one year we had a wrestling themed show where we retired Greg Aubry's Superbomb band via a Tombstone straight to hell (Ferndale), and none of any of Lisa Jones' clever signs stood a chance.  They never played again.  Shattered Dreams.

Since it actually IS Wrestlemania Season, I am taking a brief break from the projects I am working on (John Panich......run) to preview this year's biggest show, Wrestlemania 34.  But before I start I have to go on a nostalgic rant.  Oh stop whining, I promise it will be shorter than a Jeff Milo post about a band nobody cares/heard about.  Besides WM 3 at the Silverdome, my all time favorite WM experience was WM 30 in New Orleans.  I made sure to do the entire experience starting with the Axxess fan fest, meeting Paige and Alexa Bliss before they were stars (no doff though boooo), Dean Ambrose hungover, and Daniel Bryan mellow.  Next up was a New Orleans strip club (doffed tops everywhere).  The day before, I was carted to (we called it "dropped off") downtown for the Hall of Fame ceremony.  I was early (wonder why....) and there was a Ruth Chris steakhouse next to the arena so I had a $50 steak.  They did make me take off my JCM hoodie because they thought it was gang related. After my steak, craft beer, along with the 2 beers I smuggled in my backpack I went and saw Mr. T and Ultimate Warrior get inducted to the HOF.  Next day was the show itself.  The Superdome has a similar outdoor pavilion as Little Caesar's Arena so I got suitably drunk and passed out.  Nobody bothered me, probably thinking I was a standard New Orleans resident, and when I woke up nobody was around and I realized for the first time this trip that there was a time difference.  I made it inside in time. It was fun. The Streak was broken.  No longer fun.  The next night I went to the Raw after.  The night after that Ultimate Warrior died and everything turned dark and I had to split town.  I did manage to visit the hotel where Johnny Thunders died, tits on Bourbon Street, running into Jack Swagger buying a hot dog from a vendor at 2am, watching the Wyatt Family stumble out of a bar at 4 am, and a day trip to the plantation where they filmed Django Unchained where I had to be propped up against a wall and constantly giggled.

I'm sure most of my Constant Readers could care less about any of this, but I was feeling introspective, and the point is:  If you are a wrestling fan you have to do the full WM experience.  Now, FINALLY, on to the actual preview of this year's show.....
This year's WM should have around 14 matches with some possibly on the two hour pre-show.  The show itself is scheduled to run from 7pm to 11pm, so this is literally a half day of wrestling.  So lets break it down (pun intended nerds).  We'll take a look at each potential match and I will discuss The Buildup, Who Will Win, Who Should Win, and The Aftermath.  All of these are predictions not based on spoilers/Vegas odds.  So anybody who visits this blog to catch up on local drama feel free to click off now and wait for next week's Hamtramck Music Fest 2018 scandal post. I did try to include as many zingers at local twats to appease most of the Constant Readers.

Cruiserweight Title- Cedric Alexander vs. Mustafa Ali
The Buildup- After Enzo Amore vacated the Cruiserweight title earlier this year for drugging and doffing a stripper, the 205 Live division had a tournament to crown a new champ.  It all came down to Alexander and Ali.  They are both good workers but this is on the pre-show because it has as much interest as a Craig Brown Band show.....on a weekend
Who Will Win- Mustafa Ali
Who Should Win- Cedric Alexander
The Aftermath- Alexander should win for being the work-horse of the lightweight division, but WWE has a big Saudi Arabia tour coming up so I expect Mustafa Ali to win the title here.  Then both wrestlers can go back to the show nobody watches.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal-
The Buildup-This is the "get everybody on the show" match.  So far we have the Revival, Baron Corbin, Mojo Rawley, Tye Dillinger, Matt Hardy, Goldust, Dolph Ziggler, Breezango, Zach Ryder, Primo Jobber, and the Drinkard Sisters announced.  This year it may have a little more "weight" because of the upcoming HBO documentary on Andre, hence the Drinkard Sisters participating.  However, I am expecting a big name to win. No pun intended there.
Who Will Win- Surprise entrant
Who Should Win- Kane, Big Show, Mark Henry
The Aftermath- In the past this match has been hyped as a "jumping point" for up and coming wrestlers but they never really did anything with them.  If that is the trend then give the W to a longtime veteran as a career-capper. Mark Henry would be the best choice.  J-Slim the dark horse.

Fabulous Moolah....er Lee Majors.......er Women's Battle Royal-
The Buildup-When this match was initially announced it was named for Fabulous Moolah, but after a public outcry because Moolah was known to drug and pimp out various talent it was changed to Lee which was an even worse idea, so they just made it the Women's Battle Royal.  Since its 2018 we have had the first ever women's Hell in a Cell, Money in the Bank, Royal Rumble, so now we have the WM Battle Royal.  Since it is the first, I will take the opposite approach and predict a current star winning.
Who Will Win- Sasha Banks
Who Should Win- Becky Lynch
The Aftermath- I'm slightly going with Sasha Banks to get the win and continue her break-up/feud with Bayley.  Becky should get the win because she is over with the crowd despite being booked like shit the entire year, plus she is in love with me.  I don't expect too many surprises in this match because they did it at the Rumble.

WWE confirmed that the three matches above will be on the two hour pre-show starting at 5pm so break out the speed and lets get to the main show. In no particular order....

U.S. Title Match- Booby Roode vs. Randy Orton vs. Jinder Mahal vs. Rusev
The Buildup- The blandest match on the show can very well set the record for rest holds.  I'm talking more rest than a Zander Michigan set at the Ferndale Library.  Roode has an entrance.  Orton has a finisher.  Jinder hates America.  Rusev has a very popular t-shirt.  Throw in 7 chinlocks and we may have our first clunker of the night.
Who Will Win- Randy Orton
Who Should Win- Jinder Mahal
The Aftermath- This match is one of the tougher ones to predict so I was torn on it.  They gave Orton the US Title at the last ppv so he could be a "Grand Slam Champ" so he could easily drop it here, but he rarely loses at WM, plus fans want to see an RKO.  Rusev was added because of his crazy current popularity which makes me pick Jinder to win and have ready-made feuds with all other three.

Raw Women's Title- Alexa Staroscik vs. Nia Jax
The Buildup- This is all about the bullying/fat shaming angle perfectly executed by my next wife Alexa Bliss-Sturr.Week after week of bullying should lead to JCM playing another local music fest.....er, I mean, Nia Jax bulldozing her and winning in a minute.
Who Will Win- Alexa Bliss-Sturr
Who Should Win- Nia Jax
The Aftermath- Nia should win easily to avenge the bullying, but keep in mind this is WWE and Vince McMahon loves a good bully.  I have Bliss winning via shenanigans. Jax will get the title eventually.  Just not this Sunday. Also, Hip in Detroit spends the entire match in catering.

Smackdown Women's Title- Asuka vs. Charlotte Flair
The Buildup- Asuka won the first ever women's Royal Rumble and chose Charlotte to challenge.  That's about it.  That's the build-up.  No real storyline, just the promise of a good to great match that SJW's will complain about because it didn't go on last.
Who Will Win- Asuka
Who Should Win- Asuka
The Aftermath- Charlotte can absorb a loss and still be seen as an alpha-female even without the title.  Adding the title to Asuka in addition to her undefeated streak makes every one of her matches must see (and also will get the crowd to turn on her).  My dark horse prediction- Carmella cashes in her Money in the Bank title shot mid-match and takes the fall.  This way Asuka gets the strap and Charlotte leaves without actually losing.

Raw Tag Titles- The Bar vs. Braun Strowman and ???
The Buildup- Braun has been the hottest act in WWE for all of 2018.  Which actually hurt him.  He had no WM storyline because they were saving him in case one of the main event wrestlers were in jeopardy.  With that out of the question, they shoved him into the tag title scene and juiced it up by not revealing his partner until the actual show.
Who Will Win- Brauns Strowman + 1
Who Should Win- The Bar
The Aftermath- Sheamus and Cesaro have carried the tag team division all year and could use a signature win.  I think the Braun tag team angle is temporary at best but could be longer if they want to keep him away from the main title.  So it could be a long reign or a short reign.  All of this could change if his partner turns out to be the Modfather.

Smackdown Tag Titles- Uso's vs. New Day vs. Bludgeon Brothers
The Buildup- The Uso's and New Day cannot have a bad match, and now you add in the Bludgeon Brothers who are basically the Road Warriors 2.0 or Justin Felix at Smalls after getting served 8 too many drinks by Melody. I expect this to be a candidate for match of the night.
Who Will Win- Uso's
Who Should Win- Uso's
The Aftermath- Carnage by Harper and Rowan, but I expect the Uso's to scrape out a win on their first main card WM match.  The B. Brothers will look strong, but not be involved in the finish.  They'll get the titles, but like Nia, just not at Wrestlemania.

Intercontinental Title-  The Miz vs. Seth Rollins vs. Finn Balor
The Buildup- The build for this has been pretty limp but I think the match will be rock solid.  I was thinking somebody could be added to the match last minute but it didn't happen.  This definitely has the potential to be match of the night barring a blown out ACL or broken collarbone.
Who Will Win- Finn Balor
Who Should Win- The Miz
The Aftermath- The Miz will eventually break the cumulative IC title record, but I think he drops it here.  Plus he should be on paternity leave.  I think Finn needs the win the most and Rollins shifts back to the main event scene for a Friendly Foes match with Roman.

John Cena vs. The Undertaker (maybe) (not happening)
The Buildup- This has easily been the most bizarre and frustrating build to any match in history, and it still might not even happen.  John Cena needs a road to Wrestlemania.  In ALL CAPS.  All of his avenues have dried up so it came down to him buying a ticket as a fan (hopefully the long haired tranny fan's seat front row) or challenge The Undertaker, who hasn't been seen since last year's WM (not counting the ill-advised Raw 25 promo). After this Monday's show, I would have Cena in the crowd for the entire show.
Who Will Win- The entire show
Who Should Win- The Undertaker
The Aftermath- They both disappear for a while.  I'm calling it now.  I don't even think this will be Taker's last match.  When that happens they will plug it to death worse than Marcie Bolan at a Metro Times Blowout.  I'm thinking Ric Flair/Shawn Michaels style of build.  This is probably the most interesting angle of the entire weekend.

Ronda Rousey/Kurt Angle vs. Stephanie McMahon/ HHH
The Buildup- I'm going to be honest, but I can't remember why they are fighting aside from the hits on ESPN.  Basically it's UFC star Rousey teaming with everybody's favorite Olympic drunk uncle Kurt Angle to face the bosses daughter and son in law.  Toss in a blender and roll.
Who Will Win- Ronda and Angle
Who Should Win- HHH and Steph
The Aftermath- Nip it in the bud.  I'll repeat....nip it in the bud.  Sooner rather than later, the crowd is going to turn on Rousey, maybe as soon as the Raw after WM.  Capitalize on the mainstream exposure and have her turn heel in her first match and help Steph and HHH get the win.  Plus I'd love to see her not change her act and still come out smiling slapping hands with the fans, grinning from ear to ear.  This is my dark horse lock. Personally I think the match falls flat because HHH and Steph are the Eugene Strobe of WWE always having to book themselves in a high profile match and we all know that what Eugene Strobe does best is fall on his face.

Shane McMahon/Daniel Bryan vs. Kevin Owens/Sami Zayn
The Buildup- Owens and Sami destroyed Shane on Smackdown causing him to go into labor on live TV.  The next week Daniel Bryan was cleared after 2 years of medical tests, along with the threat of going to Ring of Honor.  I think this is the match the crowd will be into the most (unless Undertaker catches his flight).  I'm still not sure Shane can compete, so if not, cue up Goldberg's music
Who Will Win- Team Bryan
Who Should Win- Team Bryan
The Aftermath- Last week they added the stipulation that Owens and Sami are fired from SD if they lose.  I think that's a red herring.  Bryan is not losing his first match back after two years.  Then again, this is Vince.  Okay, Owens and Sami are winning this.

Smackdown Title- AJ Styles vs. Sinsuke Nakamura
The Buildup- Huge crowd pop for a face to face during a ladder match last year.  Mutual respect.  No real storyline.  This is WWE cosplaying New Japan Pro Wrestling, but the fans want to see it, as do I.  I would like to see a little more edge to the build though.  Right now it's the equivalent of Scott "T Shirt Guy" Boynick versus an O'Douls.
Who Will Win- Nakamura
Who Should Win- Nakamura
The Aftermath- AJ has been dealing with an MCL injury and has probably been told 300 times "Work a safe match, we need you healthy!"  I think he goes all out and they have a sick match but I don't see it surpassing the unrealistic expectations.  AJ moves to Raw and Nak feuds with Corbin post WM

Raw Title- Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns
The Buildup- Roman is sad that Brock is a part timer and never shows up.  Brock doesn't care.  That's about it.  If this goes on last it will completely bomb.
Who Will Win- Roman Reigns
Who Should Win- Brock Lesnar
The Aftermath- I want WWE to go complete gonzo and have this the first match of the night.  If Roman wins, get it out of the way, and if Brock wins the crowd will be lit the rest of the night.  However, I don't see Roman losing so this will go on last and let the crowd get an early exit.  If this doesn't go on last, all bets are off.

That's it.  Send your predictions in the comments or watch along in spirit.  Either way, like I give a fuck.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro


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