Out now on Checkers Records Collective, the new LP by JCM, "The Fall of Bryan Metro".

Listen To This Now!!!!

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Jimmy Doom. Sanctimonious Hasbeen/Nobody

Hey all Metro here.  I rarely do two posts in the same day, mostly because it affects the hit count on Post #1, but today I couldn't resist.  Somebody sent me a heads up about a self indulgent Jimmy Doom post (is there any other?) with the solitary caption:  "He's literally the most annoying human being on the planet".  Of course I was intrigued so I had my trusted Advocate Jean pull up whatever this tipster was referring to.  Of course it set me off.  First of all, let me preface this by saying fuck Jimmy Doom, James Kenny Graham.  And....well I'm getting ahead of myself here.  Let me just post the screengrab of his Facebook litany...


There is so much wrong with this post from him.  First off, I have to agree that there is a problem around town regarding drugs.  But to use his quote which he used repeatedly, you can tell me to "fuck off" if people aren't using that same problem to get their name out there and get some publicity.  Evvvvverybody hopping on the Narcan kit wagon like Scott "Dude from Phantasm" Boynick.  Evvvvvverybody hopping on the badly cut cocaine wagon.  This is all about ego.  Go back and read his post and count the number of "I's" in there.  What a dumb ass.

First off, telling an addict to "just quit" doesn't fucking cut it.  In his post he just assumes that people can just quit.  I know he's not stupid and he's fishing for social media likes because that's what he does for a job since the acting thing didn't work out.  But really, if you are an addict, you cannot "just quit".  You need a support system, education, and resources.  His post ironically mentioned none of those things.  Nor did he include any links for support systems or resources for those who are suffering from addiction.  Looks like he puts the same amount of effort in his condescending posts as he does with his botched acting auditions.

Then he turns all "punk mode" and says people will tell him off and block him for this.  What a fucking pussy.  This post was Made to generate likes on social media, not to offend people.  What a saint!  The funny thing is, if you have an opinion different than his, he will be the one doing the blocking.  Pure punk rock!  This is the equivalent of me posting a high and mighty article on cholesterol and tagging him in it.

Here's the best part..... his line about being a hypocrite.  I can agree with him on that, but not for the heart string reasons he gave, which by the way, came directly from the 2018 guide of social media sympathy "I knew all aloooooong sniff sniff".  Fat Man Doom, this is not a confession, but rather a retcon on history to fit into today's social norms.  Very punk.  I call him a hypocrite because before this whole opioid/cocaine thing blew up and gained traction, he was on his same Facebook page offering Narcan "Whippets" to get people to come to his shitty bar.  Now, a convenient about-face.  Funny thing is, many of the people "liking" his Narcan joke liked his fake "Quit" post.  All in all, totally disgusting.

The opioid, and now, cocaine issue is a real deal, and it just gets under my skin that everybody is going about it the wrong way because of their egos. Here, give me 2 minutes.....

Addiction Treatment
Detroit, MI · (313) 456-7003
Addiction Treatment
Taylor, MI · (888) 297-1346
Addiction Treatment · Open
535 Griswold St, #239, Detroit, MI · (313) 429-0932
Addiction Treatment · Open
Detroit, MI · (313) 259-5996
There.  In two minutes I did just as much for the local people dealing with addiction as issuing Narcan kits that are collecting dust and wasting money, and 10 times more as posting a sanctimonious social media post with the message, "Hey, like just quit dude.".  I'm already waiting for the "Its not that easy" comments so, to anybody who knows somebody dealing with addiction, those links are for you too and use them if need be.  Don't wait to have to drag somebody to a shitty Hamtramck bar and suck down overpriced beers waiting for the EMT's.

In conclusion, fuck Jimmy Doom, and his current bar (dude couldn't even cut it at Gusoline Alley if you can believe that).  Fuck his constant pandering for "likes" for personal gain (even if it may only be emotional).  Fuck him for a failed punk career and a failed acting career.  Fuck him for making fun of the opioid epidemic before it was hip.  Fuck him for latching on to a trend to keep his name out there.  Fuck him for "quitting" coke too soon. And fuck him for being the worst thing of all....boring.  And yes, you are a weasel sellout, but not for the reasons you paint in your post, a post which is the "safe" equivalent of me posting "Let's end world hunger, focus on the AIDS epidemic, put a stop to corporate greed, and stop the genocide in Sri Lanka".  You are a weasel sellout because you whine on Facebook one minute and beg people to come to your shitty (and corrupt, but that's for a later post) bar the next minute.  You have done nothing to support anything other than what has your interests.  How do I know that?  Because if you did get off your fat ass to help something totally unrelated to you, you would be the first to let everybody know about it.  Tell me I'm wrong Constant Readers. That's the proper use of "you can't tell me I'm wrong" referenced in that poorly written post from Doom.

I would call that a vintage Metro pipebomb post.  Yeah....I'm back...
North Central Positronics Presents,
Bryan Metro

$5 Jack White Ticket Offer plus more!

*Update!  Metro here with the news that you can get $5 tickets for the Jack White show at Little Caesars Arena this April for the reasonable price of $5 if you trek over to the downtown Third Man Records location.  There is only a small caveat:  You have to buy his new 7 inch single along with two other 7 inch records so the total actually comes out to around $30 give or take (give).  That is still better than the $38.50 face value lowest ticket from Ticketmaster.  Plus you get three records that you can't play because you don't have a record player.

As I mentioned  above the lowest face value seats were $38.50 and up including fees of course, and each purchase included a copy of White's new CD "Boring House Reach".  Prince used a similar technique back in the day to include his latest cd (which was rubbish) with each ticket to his arena tour (which was awesome).  It netted him a #1 album, but Billboard quickly banned any cd's included with concert tickets being able to count as an album sold.  This record store scheme is different.  The sales will count as singles sales, and the concert ticket is the bonus, so its vice versa.

Here's the thing, I really don't even know if they care about sales numbers at this point.  I honestly think they overestimated the market for the New Stuff (spoiler alert-It's not good), pressed too many records, and are trying to unload them.  That same overestimation can be applied to the LCA live show and they're trying to double down and move as much product as possible.  This really turned ugly quick.  Their business model is backwards.  It's about creating demand, not supply.  That's why all of White's Masonic shows did well and the Caesar's Arena show is flopping.  Wait.  You say it sold out opening weekend?  Yes, but listen to this....

I had a presale code for the show and scooped up two $38.50 tickets (plus fees and cd) for about $100.  I immediately thought, "Do I actually want to go to this?" and hopped on StubHub.  Tickets in my section were already at $75.  The show sold out that weekend.  Well, on paper, it did, but it was all brokers who snapped up the tickets banking on White's name making them a pretty penny.  Problem:  Too big a venue= No demand.  As the days went by the secondary market kept inching lower.  When it reached $60 I told the Advocate to sell them at $54.  They sold.  As of yesterday, same section seats were at $29, a full $10 under face value.  The brokers (who never would even be at the show) are bleeding money right now and panicking. Shades of the stock market.

So, to segue, how much longer do you see the Detroit shop being open hemorrhaging money as it currently is, sitting on unsold records?  Will we see Third Man Records being sold out the Chris Johnston Memorial Gourmet Taco Truck next? The people running the show obviously have no clue about supply and demand and instead put their chips down on the novelty effect, which has reached its expiration date.  By the way, who runs the show there nowadays?  Is it still Ben Blackwell?  Dave Buick?  Maybe they should bring me on as a special financial advisor to straighten them out.  However, I refuse to wear their silly Nazi uniforms.  Anyway, I went off on a little tangent there, but Jack White LCA show tickets are on sale at Third Man and hopefully they use the money to fix that damn "press your own record" booth.  Fucker always seems to be broken.  The original post is below....

 Original Post

Hey all, Metro here.  Sorry for the lack of posts, but I have been dealing with the Superflu from hell.  I didn't even get out of bed on Saturday.  You would think I was Deastro.  So for the past four days I was pretty much out of the loop.  I really thought I had caught The Bug!  Thankfully for all of the Constant Readers I am feeling better and on the mend, and ready to dive back into the local music scene and pop culture in anticipation of this blog's Oct. 8th termination.

Since I was out of the loop for so long, I turned to the main local journalist in town at Deep Cutz to see what I have missed.  I found this gem of an article on Sean Lynch, the humorless poof from 800 Beloved that nobody cares about.  I will include the link here in case you haven't seen it (that was a joke haha)-  Real Journalism
Okay, so what the fuck was that?  The real reason I included it was two-fold.  The first being I wanted you to see what else is out there and then come back here and appreciate....well shit, appreciate something.  The second reason is to post a contest:  To anybody (aside from the parties involved) who could get through that fucking post in one sitting, and not in the bathroom (although that would be appropriate), I will retire tomorrow.  Good lord.  People bitch at me for having alter egos but Sean Five Head is celebrated for it?  The real title of the post should have been "No Body's Cares".

Anyway, when I'm not battling the flu, reading self indulgent, unreadable posts, or posting here making fun of the local dweebs, I freelance write wrestling recaps for National wrestling sites.  I did one just this week covering Monday Night Raw at Pizza Arena and how awful it was.  I will post the link for you here:  Keeping the adjectives to a minimum

Next up my searching has discovered that the Loving Touch is still open and doing their silly annual Beatles tribute show featuring local bands who couldn't write a good song covering a band that could.  This year they are focusing on the Beatles' solo careers and a few slots are still open.  Each act is asked to submit 2-3 songs and is being booked by JSB Squad Productions.  Hold on.....that always cracks me up..... JSB Squad Productions.  So I have decided to apply this year as North Central Positronics' JCM, and have went with John Lennon.  The songs submitted were "Woman is the Nigger of the World", "John Sinclair", and "Meat City".  I also offered to give a right hook to any Asian female for free (everybody else, $5).  I love Lennon as an artist and sometime activist, but we all have our demons, his being the bottle and powder.  I thought of setting up a kissing booth during the "John Sinclair" performance, also $5, but free if you are under 18.  Unfortunately, not enough time to get the materials.

Next up we have the yearly North Central Positronics sponsored JCM March Madness bracket.  I have set up a group on ESPN that is public, so anyone can join.  And you can join via Facebook or create a dummy ESPN account if you wish to remain anonymous.  I have no restrictions in the group so if you want to name your bracket "Metro Really has the Bug" go right ahead.  The prize is $1 but if you join anonymously you obviously can't collect.  Right now the best bracket name is "Lee's Loose Boys".  I'm not making that up.  It was created anonymously, and all of my friends say it's not them.  So lots of fun and a chance to make more money than anybody who played the Hamtramck Music Festival.  Here's the link!  JCM March Madness!
Best of all it's free, so everybody in the local music scene should be loving it!

Finally, I will recap the upcoming JCM projects:
- I am still looking into the Campau Tower/John Panich (JP From the ShitScene) Case of the Mysterious Disappearing Money.  I have secured an interview with a former boss of his who has some insight.  This could turn out to be a lot of fun, Ben's Encore style.
-  In light of the disastrous DeVos interview on 60 Minutes, I have decided to create a local school project, and am already mapping out on site interviews among other things.  However, if I run into "you know who" at any of the schools I will retire tomorrow.
-Late last year, I was asked by a friend to do a wellness check on their friend who had gone off the grid, somebody I had never met.  I succeeded, and (currently) all is well. I plan on using these same talents for the benefit of the local music scene to find out the answer to the question:  "Where in the World is Papa Tunde?"

That's all I got.  Nothing too groundbreaking.  A cuppa fun links, and one painfully boring one.  Just wanted to let you know that the Iceman is back, on the mend, and ready to dance because people are dancing like there's no tomorrow...in the city.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Post Hamtramck Music Fest and the Future

Hey all, Metro here with my first post since my suspension/placement in the Dogan.  I would like to take this time to thank my bosses at North Central Positronics/Lamerk Corp/Sombra Corp/KPG Defense including Andy the Messenger (among other functions), Walter O'Dim, the Crimson King, and even the Walkin' Dude himself, Mr. Flagg.  I can't express how great it is to be back after the efforts to get me fired fell flat on their face, and I am excited to get back to where I left off.

First off, I hope the title of this post wasn't misleading.  I didn't mean to imply that the HMF was "done" done, just the 2018 version.  Although I wouldn't be surprised if the Fest did its best impersonation of 2018's Sunday brunch/Blowout and quietly disappear.  What I meant was what is next for this blog/JCM from now until the Oct. 8th shut down date.  I hope to clear some of this up.

- First off, can we all just move on from the Hamtramck Music Fest?  I have pretty much dragged that horse into the ground and since they will or won't be back until 2019, there really is no point anymore.  So committee geezers you have my permission to exhale.

- Well, to start, I will be providing on site live coverage at next Monday's Monday Night Raw at Little Caesar's Arena, where a birdie told me that Kid Rock will be inducted into the celebrity wing of the WWE Hall of Fame joining such celebrities as Mr. T, Drew Carey, Pete Rose, and the current president of the United States.  My Advocate is insisting on booing the announcement.  I have an ad up on Craigslist for a new Advocate.  My coverage will be blasted on a number of national wrestling sites which I won't list here at risk of people contacting them in advance.  So suck on that Milo.

-Next up, I will take a minute to look into the odd chain of events surrounding the Campau Tower restaurant closing and reopening as Dos Locos Tacos because NO OTHER FUCKING LOCAL JOURNALIST HAS NOTICED AN ABNORMALITIES HERE??!!  Some of the things I look forward to focusing on include the strange timeline of the multiple change of ownerships (yes, that is plural), the abrupt closure of the Campau Tower after ownership was given to a "longtime employee" that never seems to be named in any of these articles, that "unnamed employee" starting up a GoFundMe that exceeded its goal, what exactly happened to the GoFundMe money since the restaurant never reopened (this is the part that interests me the most), and the part that most likely interests the Constant Readers the most: Did the burger version of Campau Tower have to close last year because JP From the HP consumed all of the food supplies himself in addition to all the money?  So, as expected, I will ask the questions that everybody else are afraid to ask, and get to the bottom of it.  Whoops, almost forgot, since over $2500 was raised in the GoFundMe, proper forms would have to be filed with the IRS.  Don't worry, I'm on it.

- Next up would have to be my official invite-only Wrestlemania party along with predictions/coverage on this very site.  Will HHH and Stephanie have the nerve to put themselves over Kurt Angle and Ronda Rousey?  Is the Undertaker really finished?  Will Asuka finally pop out of her top?

- Next up is the unofficial end of the JCM Wrestlemania season, which I now realize will be the last one.  Allow a moment for me to cry......
Okay, so the unofficial end to the JCM WM season is the Detroit Music Awards.  Over our 10 year history we have amassed over 15 nominations and one win which is a very good track record.  This year, for some inhuman reason, I am nominated three times in "Phase 2":  Best Electronic/Dance Group, Best Electronic/Dance Song- "Altered Photographs", and Best Electronic/Dance Writer.  I thought how poetic it would be if we won one final DMA in our last year.  It is also ironic because I haven't played a show in over a year and completely forgot to upload "Altered Photographs" online to make it eligible.  I am a good writer tho'....
     However, just as Andy the messenger (among other functions) was about to start rigging the voting, the DMA's shut down the voting and posted this statement:

"With apologies, we have suspended Phase 2 of the Detroit Music Awards balloting due to technical and tabulation errors. We are working non-stop to remedy the situation and will be in touch soon when the situation is rectified and voting can resume."

At first glance, one would assume that this was done because they realized that Baba Tunde was also nominated for Best Electronic/Dance Act, thus invalidating the entire awards, but I really think the fix is in, thus hurting Andy's chances of rigging the voting in our favor.  So, I ask all of you, the Constant Readers, once voting is back up, log in and be sure to help Andy the Messenger Robot (among other functions) vote for JCM to take home the gold in its final year.  And for the countless plebs who have threatened, reported, whined feel free to vote as well.  That way, at least you will know where I will be so you can finally have a shot at the title.

- After the DMA's in April, I plan on beginning the process of restoring all of my previous posts that were zapped by North Central Positronics going all the way back to the very first post on Oct. 8th, 2008.  After that, who knows?  Maybe a juicy tip (my nickname in college) will come along and give me a reason to keep going on, but I anticipate a quiet summer in the local music scene.  I guess I could cover the Labor Day Fest again if I get bored.  I also could keep an eye on the UFO Factory promised 2018 reopening.  They recently posted some vids of a construction crew finishing what they started, and by gawd the place never looked better.  Progress being made.  Based on the current state of the building we are looking at a Fall/Winter reopen, if that.  We shall see.  If it happens before Oct. 8th, I will be there in person to cover it!
Speaking of Oct. 8th, I already have the final post written so I can't even focus on that.  So, feel free to offer any suggestions in the comment section. After all, that was how I was tipped regarding the Campau Tower murkiness.  So fire away!  List suggestions, local shenanigans, bands I should keep an eye on (ha, yeah right), people who have touched people inappropriately not named Tait Nucleus, more list suggestions.  This is a blog for the people BY the people, and that Constant Readers is my best effort of a spoiler alert.

From the Iceman Commeth.  Making Tomorrow, Today
Bryan Metro

Monday, March 5, 2018

A Statement from North Central Positronics

Hello Constant Readers. This is Andy the Messenger (among other functions), a messenger/PR director of North Central Positronics (also known as the Lemerk Corporation, a subsidiary of Sombra Corporation and KPG Defense) and the chief owner of this blog here touching base with you regarding the astounding number of complaints regarding our head blogger Bryan Metro that we have received over the past weekend.  Here is just one example:

We take every complaint about one of our employees with the absolute maximum amount of seriousness and have placed Robby, aka Bryan Metro, into a Dogan and relieved him of his blogging duties as of this past Sunday.  When North Central Positronics notified me of all the complaints that were spearheaded by Mr. Coon, we acted as quickly as we could.  Mr. Metro will no longer be allowed to post on this blog until the investigation has been completed.  I, Andy the Messenger (among other functions) personally sent all of the complaints generated by Mr. Coon to Walter O'Dim of the Sombra/Lamerk Corporation and after O'Dim reviewed them, he personally delivered them to the Crimson King.  I, Andy the Messenger (among other functions), am currently waiting for the final verdict.  Until then, Mr. Metro will no longer be allowed to post anything on this blog, which is a product of North Central Postronics, where we try our best to make tomorrow, today.  I will remain on this blog draft until I receive word.  Stand by.  This blog will be terminated on October 8th, 2018 by the orders of Mr. Flagg and the Crimson King himself.  I, Andy the Messenger (among other functions), at this time, cannot confirm any of the rumors that another blog will start up starting the next cycle.  As of now, this is not true.  This blog has a shut down date of Oct 8th, 2018. This blog has a shut down date of Oct 8th, 2018. This blog has a shut down date of Oct 8th, 2018. This blog has a shut down date of Oct 8th, 2018. This blog has a shut down date of Oct 8th, 2018. This blog has a shut down date of Oct 8th, 2018. This blog has a shut down date of Oct 8th, 2018.

{Blog interruption}

Hello Constant Readers, this is Randall Flagg assuming control of the blog.  Andy the Messenger (among other functions) had a minor glitch and is being worked on along with Blaine, another employee of Lemerk Industries, who seems to be really in a mood lately.  So in the meantime, allow me to give you the verdict about all of the complaints generated by one, Mike Coon, to North Central Positronics which is a subsidiary of Sombra/Lamerk Corp, against our resident blogger Bryan Metro.  We have reviewed all of his recent posts, and have found nothing wrong with them.  We paid careful attention to the comments about, one, Jimmy Doom, as requested by Mr. Coon, but after looking into it, we discovered that nobody knows who that even is.  Our tech does not allow us to research failed actors slumming at a dive bar which is why we hand the blogging duties to Mr. Bryan Metro.  Mr. Metro's posts have proven to be quite accurate and Mr. Metro will be released from his Dogan shortly and resume full control of this blog until its termination date of Oct. 8th, 2018.

Also, in North Central Positronics' research, we discovered that Mike Coon, the person initially contacting this organization, is a complete and utter halfwit who has no credibility and airbrushes his Facebook photos.  We have also discovered that the person who initially released/researched Bryan Metro's personal information in 2017 which was posted on the Steve Harvey Oswald Facebook page, is somebody named Aaron A., and North Central Positronics has distributed this breaking information including full name, address, phone number and place of employment, to head blogger Bryan Metro.  Based on his track record, the Sombra Corporation expects Mr. Metro to get to the bottom of this Aaron situation as our initial research has revealed nothing but generic social media with very little transparency along with the fact that he shares the same name as his father just like our blogger Bryan Metro. Metro, operating out of his Dogan, has obtained a few photos of the person who released his information in 2017 and spent some time bragging about it....for the past year.  North Central Positronics is looking into his employer, who I'm sure would love to hear about this as much as Mike Coon wanted NCP to know about the actions of Mr. Metro
Is that who Mr. Metro calls the "T shirt guy" playing drums???  Anyway, North Central Positronics is turning the case over to Metro, who based on his experience having his employers contacted, would probably salivate about this new lead regarding Aaron.  Thank you from the corp for being Constant Readers and keep on making tomorrow, today.

Thank you from the Walking Dude,
Randall Flagg

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Bryan Metro's Oscar Preview

Well now that Hamtramck Music Fest is in the books and they quietly cancelled the brunch they had been advertising.  Y'know, the one that never actually even had a set time or place (Great job Eugene!), it is finally time to settle down and deal with "The Sunday After" (See previous post on my top 10 things about local fests). Before that can anybody confirm that anyone od'ed at one of the venues and was saved by the publicity ....I mean Narcan Kit?  Yeh, just as I figured  This "The Sunday" is special because it is time for the Academy Awards, the biggest night in Hollywood where the biggest pedophiles and sex offenders gather to pat themselves on the back....or as Lee likes to call it "Just another Sunday".

The past year has seen a culture shift in Hollywood where people actually care (or at least try to in front of the cameras).  First came the sexual misconduct accusations, the hushed whispers of pedophiles, then the #metoo movement, and at Sunday's ceremony the "trend" will be pins against guns.  So all the women who were raped and the actors molested by old geezers, your time has passed.  Lets forget about all that.  The media has better stories to focus on.  Probably the dude breathing the biggest sigh of relief from the shift to gun control is Steven Spielberg, whose picture is nominated for Best Picture, and who has taken the top spot of my list of people I would not be surprised was a pedo (formerly held by Kevin Spacey), which would really suck because Raiders is in my Top 5.

Anyway, I have seen probably around 2 of the movies nominated in all the categories this year which I guess makes me the go-to guy for your office Oscar pool.  I will try to tackle most of the major categories, and try to make you a bunch of money.  So grab your popcorn, I've invited the twinks Larry and Larry who I used to host at the old apartment to come and oil wrestle, and lets try to guess the winners of the main categories.

Film Editing-  I think this one is the closest we have to a "lock".  You have to go with Dunkirk.  Dark horse, Baby Driver, but c'mon....

Makeup/Hair-  What a puss category.  This is a coin flip between Darkest Hour and Wonder.  My gut reaction says Wonder because its about a freak and its only nomination, but I'm going with Darkest Hour as its nominated for Actor and Picture.

Original Score-  Dunkirk has my vote in a close race with Phantom Thread, but Hans Zimmer has name value (ask George Morris....actually, don't), and name value goes a long way.  Star Wars won't win because it used a lot of previous themes....and they fucked up Luke's character arc.

Foreign Language Film-  I will admit that I haven't seen or am familiar with any of the nominees so I will have to go with the safe bet here and pick Black Panther.

Original Song- Most people are picking the song from Coco which would be a safe bet, but I am going with the Mary J Blige song from Mudbound as she is nominated for Best Supporting Actress also.

Animated Feature-  As much as I would love to see "Oscar winner John Cena in Ferdinand" this one is a no brainer.  Coco for the win.

Sound Editing/Sound Mixing-  Same guy?  Since I am a Detroit Music Award winning artist, I take the sound categories very seriously.  I think this should be a lock so go with Dunkirk in both of these.  Blade Runner 2049 has quite a few technical nominations but, as much as I enjoyed it, it is up against some stiff competition.

Visual Effects- I will go with Blade Runner 2049 here for its lone win (maybe 2 if I considered Production Design a major award).  Although I could easily go with Planet of the Apes because of the Weta Workshop special effects juggernaut

Costume Design-  I can picture a bunch of Academy voters doing lines in a hotel room and somebody brings up who they have for Costume Design.  The realist response in the room= Phantom Thread.  Its a movie about clothes....

Cinematography-  This is one that I am really looking forward to.I think it comes down to Dunkirk vs. Blade Runner 2049.  I'm going with my heart here and picking Blade Runner, nabbing Roger Deakins his first (??!!!!) Oscar.

Adapted Screenplay-  I would love to see Logan get some love, one of my favorites of 2017, but everybody knows this is going to Call Me By Your Name, because, well...nevermind.

Original Screenplay-  This is another tough one.  I think this one comes down to Get Out and Lady Bird in the battle of movies getting tons of love and need at least one award.  I am going to go with Get Out because its subject matter is a little heavier than the fluff, weightless, Lady Bird.

Best Director- I really want Christopher Nolan to take this, but I don't think he will because for some reason he's not a popular guy in Hollywood.  The same could be said for Paul Thomas Anderson.  Hmmmm why is that?  Oh because they don't play with the system? Jordan Peele and Greta Gerwig are both first time nominees and may benefit from the gender and race votes, but I don't see them winning, though both are deserving.  That leaves Del Toro for Shape of Water.  Lock that bet in.

Okay lets jump to the acting categories!

Best Extra-  Jimmy Doom.  Hahaha, I couldn't resist.  Actually he wouldn't win this even if it was an award.  I would have to go with a darkhorse and pick Michael Mars, that dude who looks like Gary Numan and played in that Marco Polio band with the dude from Imaginatron.  I remember one year I was covering Blowout and this dude always showed up at every venue, alone, fucking with his phone pretending to look for somebody who may or may not existed.  I couldn't stop laughing because it literally happened at 5 venues.  So, he gets my vote for Best Extra.

Best Carny-  This one was easier to call and is the award that finally nabs Jimmy Doom his Oscar.  However, I predict his acceptance speech will solely consist of him shamelessly shilling the next organic taco night at Kelly's Bar until he is mercifully played off to an orchestral version of JCM's "Vampires"

Best Supporting Actor- Willem Dafoe, Woody Harrelson, Richard Jenkins, Christopher Plummer, Sam Rockwell.  All of these guys are great.  For me it comes down to Jenkins and Rockwell.  I'm going with Rockwell.  Also, quick tangent, I am disgusted by the outcry on social media that Rockwell shouldn't win because he played a racist creep in the movie.....in the movie.  I'm still pissed that Anthony Hopkins won for playing a cannibal serial killer and that Christopher Walken won for making light of suicide victims.  Constant Readers, this is 2018.  

Best Supporting Actress-  Mary J Blige, Allison Janney, Lesley Manville, Laurie Metcalf, Octavia Spencer.  This one basically comes down to Janney and Metcalf, both tv actresses with good roles in their films.  I'm going with Janney because there is an unwritten rule that Allison Janney must win every award that she is nominated for.  Taking in the Emmys and Golden Globes, she has a better track record than Streep.  She must have a lot of pictures or dirt on Hollywood.  I personally would vote for Metcalf.

Best Actress-  Sally Hawkins, Francis McDormand, Margot Staroscik, Saoiese Ronan, Meryl Streep.  Tough call, I think it comes down to McDormand and Sally Hawkins.  I think McDormand takes it, and while both are deserving, she's married to one of the Coen brothers soooo.  If I had a vote, I would vote for my wife.

Best Actor- Timothee Chalamet, Daniel Day Lewis, Daniel Kaluuya, Gary Oldman, Denzel.  If the dude from Call Me By Your Name wins I'll be shutting my tv off.  I think Denzel and DD Lewis' noms are respect noms, and the dude from Get Out snuck in because James Franco fucked his entire career up.  That leaves Gary Oldman, a first time nominee (REALLY, REALLY????) as your lock of the night.

Best Picture- Call Me By Your Name, Darkest Hour, Dunkirk, Get Out, Lady Bird, Phantom Thread, The Post, Shape of Water, Three Billboards, Moonlight.   I am torn between Three Billboards, Shape of Water, and Moonlight.  I am checking off Moonlight because it won last year, and I think I am going with Three Billboards in a close race decided by a coin flip.

That's it, so to everybody who likes the pop culture/entertainment posts (all 20 of you) have at it.  For all the Constant readers, till next time.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Friday, March 2, 2018

Jimmy "puss" Doom...Volume 2

First off I would like to wish my pops a happy birthday.  He would have been 67 today, and I'm sure he is laughing at all the anonymous comments lately.

Okay so the task at hand.... Local failed actor, shill, vagabond bartender Jimmy Doom, James Kenneth Graham, disagreed with something I said on a post regarding Scott "The Crypt Keeper" Boynick and his White Knight crusades and he blocked me saying that he didn't care what my opinion was.  Well I guess that's not exactly true because he quickly updated his cover photo and allowed all of his sycophants to comment on it.  But just to stress this, nobody reads this blog.  Bwahahahahaha.  Yeah okay dude.

This dude is so PUNK that he blocked the realist local journalist in town from his page and then posted a forum for everybody to make fake claims about me while I am sitting on the sidelines crying because I can't defend myself (but not really).  Usually when these Facebook witch hunts happen the main goal is to ruin the person's reputation (I can do that on my own thank ya very much) or get them to go away.  The thing is, that's not me.  And I'm writing a Part 2 to the pussification of Jimmy Geezer Doom.

I woke up late today to see a flood of comments on this blog that nobody reads and on Facebook regarding this.  Because I made one comment about Scott "Walking Dead" Boynick and was blocked, now the internet is talking more about me and how horrible I am than people talking/posting about the Hamtramck Music Fest...and how horrible it is!  Even if you hate me, tell me that I'm lying there.....

So, thankfully a mutual friend sent me screencaps of post-blocking Jimmy Doom posts.  Look how much this guy and his "fans" think about me!  There is nothing more Punk than preventing somebody to state their opinion or respond dood.  Also the guy who called for me to get fired from my job at North Central Positronics, Mike Coon, has been messaging me all day.  His first message at 1pm was that I wasn't worth his piss or words.  Update.  It is 9:30pm and he is still messaging me.  These are the people I have to deal with.  8 fucking hours of mom jokes.

Anyway, as I promised here are the Jimmy Doom screencaps:

-Updated his cover photo....Nahhhh, no way I got under his skin (and if you seen the guy you realize how difficult that would be).

Fucking narcissist.  The only top prize you took was carry out on the way home from your shitty bartending gig.  Top prize went to Steve Harvey Oswald band.  To Cheri-  Let me know your schedule.  To Skeeter (dumb name)- this approach has worked out DELIGHTFULLY for me.  Are you not talking about it?  Next!

Oh dear, I have a Blake Battermann threatening violence against me.  Now I'm worried.  Plus the Jimmy "Throw Mama From the Train" Doom comment about me living in my mom's basement, while false, actually has his followers believing I live in my mom's basement.  That seriously is the laziest comeback of all time.  But what can you expect from a failed actor/comedian?

This screenshot bored me... Next.

Interesting dialogue there.  Wow, I guess I need to get whooped.  Email me at bryanmetro1@hotmail.com to set up a session...

This one is the biggest bullshit.  Fat boy himself made the statement that nobody purposely fucked with my mom.  Wrong buddy.  After Steve Narcan Oswald posted my personal information last year a lot of people fucked with my mom.  So for you to say you know nobody did destroys any cred you had, and lets be honest, you don't have any remaining anyway.  That is the type of social media comment "say something online and all my fwiends will believe it" that really pisses me off.  Jeopardy question asshole:  The Biggest Phony in Detroit-  A: Jimmy Doom

Look at how fucking crazy these people are. James Shitt commented that I put up a billboard at 9 mile and Woodward??!!!  Dude if I had that type of money I would save most of it and use the rest to take Scott "Preacher from Poltergeist 2" Boynick out for a drink.....

This one takes the cake.  Yes, I regularly make fun of Sadie from Hip in Detroit because it is so easy, and I'm lazy, but I never said anybody deserved to be raped.  The "artist" in question was Queen Kwong and isn't even around here anymore.  I would never advocate rape. A dancer from an early incarnation of JCM circa 2007 was raped by that weird looking keyboardist from Electric Six, and I take that very seriously.  I'll say it again, I take that very seriously. And Michelle, I stopped reading your comment after "Yeah, I don't remember...."

So that's what I have so far.  Wrestlemania season really is picking up, and I'm glad I didn't disappoint in my final year.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Thursday, March 1, 2018

Jimmy Doom- Pussy of the Week

*Update!!!*- So some rockabilly nobody decided to once again post my personal information and encourage their friends to contact my employer, North Central Positronics.  THAT IS DIRTY POOL!  The last thing I need at this time is for me to be called in to the blogging office and walking into a scene with members of North Central Positronics, along with the Sombra Corporation, and even somebody from KPG, and have to answer to these reports.  I don't have time for it dammit!  I was prepping my HamFest coverage when this terrible accusation came out, and it really threw me off thinking I would be called into the office and have a sit down with the Crimson King.  The last thing I need is being let go from my blogging job and have to start the whole sequence again so please do NOT report me to the staff at North Central Positronics because that would really muck things up.  Please keep it to social media and maybe we can work things out.  Anyway, here is the screencap of the call to action for North.....Central.....Positronics.....

Sorry to break up my coverage of the Hamtramck Music Fest with this, but I really can't stop laughing.  Anyway, so Jimmy Doom, local punk rock legend (j/k), posted a link about the Narcan guy, calling him a hero, and I had to comment.  Because it was an opinion (along with my point that T shirt guy can't handle his alcohol), he decided to lecture me and then naturally block me so I couldn't respond.  Okay, so this is standard pussy internet stuff.
Next, my advocate attempted to call him out on it and did so on a Facebook page for one of his movies nobody will see because it was the only place he could comment.  Cue up an hour later, Jimmy, Puss Mist, Doom is saying that I am contacting producers (lol yeah right) and threatening his already failed acting dreams.  All of this because I disagreed that T Shirt Guy was not the saint he paints himself to be.

In no way on my FB comment did I mention that Doom is a failed actor, pandering shill, Dennis Miller wannabe, shill, boring, as far away from punk as you can get, shill, crybaby, thin skinned, shill, trying to please everybody, fat fuck.

After this being blocked from responding (duhhhh) he went on a crybaby rant about "Awwww Metrwo disagreewed wif me".  That comment actually reached 57 (at the time) sycophant comments.  Okay, now lets have fun....

Hahahahaha 57 comments off of that?  Awww shucks, ya made me blush.  I never really mentioned about his acting.  I've never seen anything he was in, which I guess makes us all in the same boat.  And Cheri...yep, I am an ass.  Next!

"Messages" plural??  Revisionist history, as my advocate Arthur sent one message to the one page we weren't blocked from.  I apologize it was for a shitty movie nobody is going to see.  And to Matt Van, after you threatening to punch my cats I was about to explode, but according to your profile you play for Uncle Kracker so you know all about domestic violence...

"How come nobody has beaten the shit out of this guy?.....Not that I'm calling for it."  And here everyone we have 2018 in a nutshell. "Why doesn't anybody take violent action against him?".....you really are making this too easy.  I can picture Failed Actor Doom in a corner cringing saying "Please stop commenting.  Please stop commenting."  And to Jeff.  Where have you been?  I have been doing this for ten fucking years with nearly 200 shows all with fliers so if anybody had a problem with anything anything I've said they've had ten years of chances dipshit.

"Haven't seen anything about the band blah blah".....More lies.
Cracking up at "personal sabotaging", the same type of sabotaging that T shirt skeleton did posting my personal information and having my mom and work called by trolls?  That type of personal sabotaging?  Does it count that everything I said was true?  Failed actor, not funny, may be entering into a nervous breakdown period.  All of that is totally true and not fictional bullshit?  Also, You misspelled "Nothing" as "Nothing to Lose"

This is my absolute favorite.  Here we have Jeff Pkljksdgjhjhjhdsf with "Dying to get punched in the face". Then two comments later, "is infuriating to those of us with reason and compassion".  I'm not making that screencap up.  This is actually a functioning person?  I love it.  Keep it coming peanut gallery.
Now, if you will excuse me, I will go back to ruining somebody's film career.  Oh wait he did that himself.  Bwahahahahahahahahaha.

Alright, enough joking, total seriousness.....fuck Jimmy Doom and his distorted paradigm of what punk is.  Take it from me, the realist guy in the room, you are not funny, witty, punk, or relevant.  Now....go get my drink.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Metro's 2018 HamFest Band Previews

Well.....back to being a dick.  Heel Turn!!!!
After spending the past few months trying to expose local corruption and trying to save the world, it feels good to get back to the basics of what made people start reading this blog to begin with, and channel 2015 level's of utter, unequivocal meanness.  I am curious to see how it will be received in 2018 as opposed to 2015 when I had a little longer leash (that was attached to the lone female member of the band who was wearing a pig's head in our Hip in Detroit Sadie tribute show.  Trivia- This happened at the very first Hamtramck Music Festival, where we were threatened by numerous bad metal bands that can only get booked at Smalls, and yes, I got away with it, and no, nobody who threatened physical harm showed, and the female band member was the one who came up with the leash idea while wearing a pig's head.  It was madness, chaos, some fans took broken guitars home and probably have them in their bedrooms.  This year....well, we'll get to that in a second)..  So to everybody who has private messaged me saying "Great job.  Thank you for what you are doing!" the past few months,  I invite you to say 'ello to tha Bad Guy (that was Razor Ramon and not Tony Montana). But don't worry, the Motor City Saint persona isn't gone yet.  Give me a few weeks.
Let me whet your appetite by posting this gem from Milo: Gem From Milo  Okay wait a minute....

"You won't immediately notice the "sponsor" of the Hamtramck Music Fest, unless you're really looking... This annual city-wide music event, activating 21 venues of Hamtramck with a lineup of more than 160 local bands, comes together on March 1st for its fifth year. Often, attendees of supersized music festivals like this can expect to see glossy banners from big beer conglomerates or faceless corporate entities. But with the Hamtramck Music Fest, "the sponsor is the people..."
They have to be trolling me by this point.  The sponsor for four years was a fake charity, Ben's Encore,  that I exposed last year and has since disappeared.  Not an beer conglomerate or faceless corporate entity.  The only thing faceless is the committee running the Fest.  How fucking frustrating to see this being posted online.

I was swayed by the Hamtramck Music Festival actually updating their website to include a schedule and song links, even though it happened only five days prior to the start of the Fest.  I figured I owed it to myself, and to all the acts fighting for eyeballs, to do one final JCM Fest preview. I promise every act will at least get a view and I will use the Hamtramck Fest website as my guide.

Another thing that caused me to do this is the brand new "Press" section on their website which I am convinced has to be directed at me because it includes only three links, all from last year from these sites:  Metro Times, Jeff Milo, and Hip in Detroit, the three "local journalists" I rip on the most.  One of the links was blatantly insulting, only hyping 11 acts out of 150.  Slap in the face.  So as an elder statesman here, I owe it to the newer acts to at least give a proper preview and not just a 1 sentence blurb on HMF's Facebook.  If I don't like it, be sure, I will let you know, and don't feel bad because I dislike more things than I like.  It's me not you, but at least it gets you some juice going into the Fest.  I do like the mental imagery of some local newbies seeing that I previewed the band and then seeing me shit all over it and thinking "Wait, isn't everybody supposed to be nice?"

So, for one final time, here is the format:  I will use the HMF revamped, with 5 days to go, website's links to preview each band based on their bandcamp/soundcloud/youtube, and pick one song to preview.  Then me, and my advocate Jean, will note how long it takes to shut it off and offer a blurb about it.  M= Metro and J= Jean.  I know its unfair to judge a band by one song, but life's not fair you fuckers. I will include a "Metro Approved" certification as well for bands I dug using the hashtag #MA. So, let's roll... Oh, and sorry, no nudes this year.  Queen Kwong skipped town. Even if this is tl;dr I highly advise you to seek out the "JP from the HP" preview for a spoiler alert on my next project after HamFest...  Spoiler to a Spoiler Alert


Duende!- "Dance Party"- 0.27- M= Stooges rip off.  Plus an apologist for everything corrupt in Hamtown.  And the drummer is a bitch.  Also, confused this blog with something called Checkers Records.  J= I would have cut it off earlier. Ole.

Nadir Omowale- No link.  Fucking Fantastic

Warhorses- No link.  Decent batting average.

Fizzbang- No link.  Making this easy.

Funk Wagon- No link.  Why even try?

Cye Pie & Ya Homies- An interview- 0.57- M= Learn how to do an interview. J= I'm making such a mean face right now.

The My Ways- "Better than Your Band"- 0.06-  M= Ha, K Den.  J= Nope. Six seconds too generous.

Lizerrd- "No Matter What You Have Done"- 0.40- M= I didn't really have a problem with it but the vocals were grating.  J= All the cats left the room.

Abul on Fire- Facebook link.  I'm not logging in for extra work. Do better.  They trot this act out at every Fest it seems to play the diversity card but they don't do shit the rest of the year.  Fuck em.


Bevlove- "Champagne Bubbles"- 0.43- M=Actually pretty good.  I think they will draw eyes and actual wristband buys.  J= Kelis rip off. #MA (We have our first "Metro Approved")

Minihorse-  "Blueblack"- 0.27- M= The return of a headache from 1994.  J= Hi, Ben Collins!

Sidewatcher-  "Keys To Your Heart"- 0.29- M=Generic.  J= Sounds like The Runaways.

Lagerheads-  "A Five Piece Problem"- 0.39-  M=Unoffensive.  J= Woke up the kittens.

The Wrong Numbers-  "I Can't Help"- 0.23-  M= Not really my thing.  And the singer is grating.  J= Liked it till he started singing.

The Strangers- Spotify account.  I'm not logging in.

Crashing Cairo-  "Runaway"- 0.40-  M= The chorus lost me.  By the way, who the fuck are these guys?  They have an actual website and have some stuff produced by a guy who did Bowie and U2.  They have also played DTE in an opening slot.  Who are these people and why haven't I heard about them before 2018?  J= I didn't hate it.

Blue Pontiac-  "Waiting"- 0.26- I'm waiting for something to happen.  However, I am sure they are really nice people.

Post Imperial Jazz Band- No link.  Not surprised.

Zac Fortin-  Youtube link.  Error message.  Lol's.

The Whiskey Charmers-  "Desert"- 0.50-  M= Don't get your hopes up Hip In Detroit.  It's "Desert", not "Dessert".  I actually haven't heard a bad song yet from this act.  I am mildly disappointed they booked a show the day after HamFest in Royal Oak instead of hanging out and fist bumping other local bands.  Then again, can I blame them?  Have you seen Saturday's lineup?  J= It was okay.  #MA

Stefanie Cox and the Blox-  No link.  Is this a Seraphine Collective side project?

Drinkard Sisters- "Dessert"...Just kidding, "Keep the Sun Upon Your Shoulders"- 0.27- M= Cloying, twee nonsense.  Waste of my time.  J= Whyyyyyy?

Nina and the Buffalo Riders-  "Learn"- 0.51-  This is a good song, but we are getting into dangerous territory as there are already a lot of acts that sound the same and we are barely through Friday.  There is only a set amount of audience for these type of acts.  Does anybody booking this stuff know anything about statistics, demographic analysis....Oh wait, who am I kidding, this is the HMF!!!  Still this gets a #MA.

Ryan Dillaha-  "Michigan Weather"- 0.33- M= Ummmmmm, just yikes.  Not a fan.  J= I've heard of him but

TRTL-  "Live at UFO Cash Grab Factory"-  1.04-  M= I'm not waiting over a minute for something to happen and have my valuable time wasted.  J= Wait, was that a song?

Bruce Farrell-  "Summer Man"- 0.23-  Singer/songwriter stuff/fluff.  Not my thing, but hey Okay, USA!

Jhereme Jacque-  "Snuz"- 1.09- Flaming lips-esque stoner music.  Nothing bad to say at all mostly from him going to bat for the JCM last year when the committee buckled under the pressure of one act who would end up playing one show in town.  So, Metro Approved!  #MA.

Detroit Techno Militia- Overrated as fuck.  Amateurs.  Plays the same venue every Fest and has zero draw outside of Detroit Threads which is ironic because their merch sucks too.

*Update-  Jean has left the writing studio and has passed out on a couch, so I will handle the rest of this on my own.*

Dave Shittler- No link.  No go.

Nick Schitlace- No link.  No shill.

Thunder on Pluto-  No link.  I'm not wading through these acts' Youtubes.

Shape Note Singing From Blah Blah- No link, and band name is too long.

Holbrook/Dickinson Elementary Choirs- No link, not even to the schools, but I'm not going to knock some kids.  That's Lee's job. This comment was #MA.

Detroit Youth Volume Workshop-  Had a link to their website where you can find info on the project.  Also, I already made the requisite Majors joke with the last act. #MA

Ultimate Ovation-  "Live in somebody's Backyard"- 0.28-  Bunch of geezers doing the Temptations/soul thing, or as I like to call it, "Music for white people to dance to and feel much better about themselves."

The Stools-  "30 mg Blues"- 0.52-   The song is nearly unlistenable trash, but the video really did crack me up.

Cosmic Light Shapes-  "Can You See in 3D?"- 0.04-  Terrible.  This is music made for local car commercials.  If there ever was a band whose name didn't match their musical output these geezers would be at the top of the list.  Also, lost points because Strobe is a total puss with almost as bad a haircut as "Bad Dye Job" Dodson.

The Garden Party-  "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"- 0.56-  High marks for fucking up the best ever Christmas song.  The chick can't sing and thankfully gave up about 20 seconds into the song.  Of course she'll probably blame the sound guy/monitors.

VSTRS-  "Annmaria"- 0.37.  Bored the living fuck out of me.  Also, loses points for the 5 year old gimmick of not using vowels/misspelling the name.  Dumb.  Pass.  Next.

All the Wild Children-  "Lakebillies"- 0.35-  Didn't have a problem with it until the guy started singing.  Then it turned to suck, fast.

Dr. Wolf-  The actual link provided on the official HamFest website consisted of a picture.  That was the link, a picture.  Can't stop laughing.

Asklepius-  "Four Shadows the Past"- 1.16-  I only waited that long for something to happen, breaking my one minute rule in the process.  Nothing happened, so fuck this band.

Five Pound Snap-  "Convex Hollow"- 0.16-  Not sure if this is a joke band but I can imagine 4 dudes in a room and somebody saying, "Hey, do you guys wanna do a Steely Dan thing?"

The Dropout-  "Old Parts, New Beginning"- 1.00-  I didn't have a problem with this at all.  Can write a song.  #MA

BAVE-  "Pocket"- 0.23-  Completely, unquestionably unlistenable.

Ben Keeler Band-  "Last Night"- 0.57-  Harmless, Pixies fan.  A lukewarm #MA

SSM-  "Put Me In"- 0.38-  Garage rock geezers, and probably one of four acts that anybody knows at the HMF.

The Cheetahs-  "Omnivore"- 0.50-  Slightly generic, but well polished 70's rock.

Moonwalks-  "Creamcheese Ashtray"- 1.13-  M= It went nowhere.  J= Was that a -jr side project?

Mexican Knives-  "Mexican Knives"- 0.53-  No problem with this.  Good song/sound.  John Salvage double dipping though being booked multiple times at the Fest, so that loses points.  Still #MA

Johnny Salvage and the Dregs-  The link was a joke link to a Pennsylvania auto shop.  Dumb.  As I mentioned above, double dipping, so fuck the Mexican Knives.

Glasfabrik-  "Nam"- 0.31-  Kind of shitty.

The Pontiac Stags-  "Windsor"- 0.42-  Hitting the wall.  I don't know man.  It's generic.  It's rock.  It's the HMF.

Black Shampoo-  "Bring it Back"- 0.40-  Didn't knock my socks off.  Kinda boring.  Maybe leave it where it was..

Rogue Satellites-  "Torture Party"- 0.57-  These kids have almost been around as long as this blog.  This is a good song.  And I like her hair.  #MA

Vazum-  "Fall Guy"- 0.49-  I really liked the mixing of the guitar.  Their Bandcamp says the dude in this act also plays with VSTRS (suck) and Dude (yet to be reviewed), so even though the song is good, that is triple dipping on Fest time slots so no certification for you.  Prick.

Pet Psychic-  "Dreams"-  I liked the pictures of the cats.  The song, not as much.  I even forgot to log the time it took for me to shut it off.

Prude Boys-  Youtube link error.

Earth Engine-  "Remain"-  1.21-  Well produced.  Well done.  No problems.  I understand this blurb gives you zero information about what the music is really like, but I am auditioning for a low paying side gig with the Freep.  #MA

Siamese-  "White Jacket"- 0.51-  This was an okay song but was way overproduced.  Thanks a lot School of Local Has-beens Ferndale's, Zach Shitzz.

Remnose-  "The Beans"- 0.35-  Sounds like a lot of the previously reviewed local acts, but this is actually a good song.  #MA

Josef Coney Island-  "Goons X Goblins"- 0.34-  This act has a total of one song on their Bandcamp.  And it sucks.  Yet has a headline spot.  You never fail to impress me Hamtram Music Fest.

Lex Lander-  "Pains and Regrets"- 0.36-  M= Generic local hip hop.  Would have had a better impact if it was just covers of Dirk Diggler's demos.  J=  What was that?

Large Extra Large-  "Broke at the Go Go"-  I can confirm that this is not a Drinkard Sisters side project nor is it Hip in Detroit's 2 am order at the Checkers across the street from the New Dodge.  I can also verify that this song sucks.

Dr. Mindbender-  "Devil's Night"- 0.43-  Went nowhere with me.  The drummer's name is Tricky Pig.  Happy birthday S.

Mike Galbraith-  "Size of California"- 0.40-  M= Sorry, I am not doing 3 Hip in Detroit jokes in a row.  This is harmless, well produced, yet more rootsy stuff.  Good for what it was.  J=  Bob Dylan meets the Eagles.

Matt Jones-  "Sara & Sullivan"- 1.14-  Another rootsy track that went nowhere with me.  Is this really a local thing now?

Carmel Liburdi-  "Insomnia Slumber Party"- 0.23-  Zooey Deschanel wannabe.  I do like the song title though.

Emma Guzman-  Dead Youtube link.

2000 Blue-  Dead Youtube link.

Doctor Pizza-  "Cosmic Carpet Ride"- 1.03- M= The music didn't match the gimmick.  J= That went bad fast.

Act Casual-  "WSG"- 0.44-  Decent, but not really my thing.  At least they have their own website.

The Thin Man-  I wouldn't click the link.  I believe it houses a virus.

Bison Machine-  "Cloak and Bones"- 0.47-  Unoffensive fans of Black Sabbath.  No problem here.  Decent song. #MA

Golden Torso-  "Common Man"- 0.17-  Completely a waste of my time.  This is really bad.  Really bad.

Electric Huldra-  "Stand Here"- 1.20-  I'll just copy and paste their Soundcloud bio:  Rock and roll trio from Ann Arbor.

Ex American-  "The Same New Man"- 2.08-  By far, my favorite song I have sampled so far.  I loved it!  And I don't even know anybody in the band!  The first song on the preview to make it all the way through.  #MA

Sax & Violence-  "Slushwave"- 0.49-  Blade Runner soundtrack audition.  It's decent if you're into it.

Girl Fight-  "Hate"- 0.16-  Please see the song title for instant review.

Crune-  "Severed Heads"- 2.14-  It was only one song of theirs but I had a blast with it.  The dude looks exactly how he sounds.  #MA

The Sillies-  Youtube link error.

The Flipsters-  "She Doesn't Scare Me"- 0.36-  Basic band is basic.  Its not bad but

Rabbit Ears-  "Kooky Monster"- 1.29-  The musicianship level was at at 2008 JCM levels.  Send me an event invite in seven years guys.

Picnic-  "Rocket Power"- 0.51-  Tokyo Sexwhale's new wave cousins.  I liked this.  The drummer was the best part.  #MA


Well, we made it to the Saturday section of the preview, and I have yet to contact Six Feet Over, so that is a victory in itself.  I have fired the Advocate, Jean, by this point and I do have to note that I accidentally included the Saturday events at the Hamtramck Library in the Friday preview, and that I am too lazy to go back and clean it up.  So, the youth choir and Youth workshops are on Saturday at the library so if you are into feeding off of the blood of the children that is where you will want to be.  Also of note is that Detroit Overpriced Threads will be having DJ's throughout the evening.  I'm not going to preview each DJ because I could give a fuck.  However, I can confirm that none of the bitches from Seraphine Collective who love to take pictures of themselves pretending they even know a goddamn thing about DJ'ing will NOT be performing.  So at least the venue has that going for them  Okay, back to the acts.  Remember #MA= Metro Approved
Vespre-  "Lovers"- 0.31-  Not really my thing, but it was well produced and has a fun 80's Madonna throwback vibe to it. #MA

The Imaginatron-  "uuuuUFO"- 0.32-  Simple, generic electro-pop that really isn't my thing.  Also, if he is still doing that cheesy yarn gimmick with the crowd, Six Feet Over will be receiving a distress call from the Advocate that I am attempting to hang myself with it.
JP From the HP-  "Drinking a 40"- 0.21-  (I started the time at the 2 minute mark bypassing the ill-advised animal rescue parody)- Look at this derelict....  This guy sucks.  This is really bad "music", and  I'm disappointed that HMF didn't use his Campau Tower benefit track.  Oh wait, because he fucked that up too.  In all seriousness though, fuck this guy.  Check out this gem.  Not only does he suck at music, he sucks at running a business. Campau Tower Derp Sooooo if its under new co-ownership at the present time where exactly did all that Gofundme money from the temp owner go to? Let me guess, "Well the UFO Factory 'misc. renovations' excuse worked for them..."  Hmmm, maybe something else to add to the checklist.  This quote from the link above was the best: "According to Jessica, customers shouldn’t expect any major changes to the restaurant beyond the name on the lease." Detroit Hustles Harder bro!

Craig Brown Band-  Youtube link broken bwahahahaha.  You all know that I can't stand this act and the Ant Hall has the market cornered on worthless acts to see after the 11 o-clock hour, so that actually saves you some time.  Jesus, think of all the wasted money from Third Man Records trying to get them over to the sound of crickets.  However, I will not comment on the rumors that they have the 1am slot not because they are headliner material, but because the Drinkard Sisters needed as much time as possible to clean out the Polish Village Cafe's kitchen. No Comment!

*Okay, now lets get to all of the other acts that aren't playing at Ant Hall that nobody has heard of*

The Scrappers-  "Had a Friend"- 0.45-  Harmless act.  Didn't spike my needle, but they play music.  Fuck, this is going to take forever.

Wreckless Jane=  "Alive"- 0.45-  Slow and bluesy.  Mildly harmless, though I could have done without the fucking swearing.

J. Walker and the Crossguards-  "Driftin Around"-  I'd rather walk with Elias.  Actually this wasn't bad at all.  Decent energy and a 50's vibe.  I did forget to log the time. #MA

Summer Like the Season-  "Thin Today"- 0.34-  I know what you're expecting here after the song title, but....I.....will......not.....give......in...... Plus I have exhausted my quota of Hip in Detroit jokes.  Anyway, this comes off as below average Detroit hip hop.

Soul Pepper-  "Run to Me"- 1.04-  The musicianship was there but the vocals kept it away from being Metro Certified.

The Sugar Clouds-  "Pick Up Your Feet"- 1.05-  I liked it!  Good song.  I do have a throwback reverb fetish though.  #MA

Legume-  "Police Sketches"- 0.50-  Smiths rock.  The song title was better than the song.

White Shag-  Hahahaha, just kidding.  Just wanted to make sure you were still paying attention at this point. Anyway, here is a rare pick of Crazy Asia Mock sharing the stage with White Shag in the good old days when everything was a-ok and convenient for her...

Pewter Cub-  "Side Effects Include"- 0.50-  This act has been around almost as long as JCM and has never had to change their name to keep getting booked on these Fests.  They also still record new material.  No complaints here. #MA

Jenny & Jackie-  Facebook link.  Complaint here.

Dear Darkness-  "A Few Nice Shots"- 0.32-  The song itself isn't all that bad (until the singing starts), but it's too bad these two are among the most insufferable human beings in the local music scene. Cuppa halfwits.

The Creepos-  "Live at New Way Bar"- 0.43-  Didn't sound how I thought they would.  Dull but competent.

Timothy Monger-  "Plough King"- 0.21-  Aka, my nickname in college.  Singer/songwriter fluff.  Good for what it is.  Loses points for being part of Great Lakes Myth Society.  Whatever happened to that Greg McIntosh ponce anyway?

Rachel Brooke-  "Ghost of You"- 0.20-  I really dug the production quality of the vocals.  The sad, country siren thing really isn't for me, but you could definitely do worse (see Friday's preview). #MA

Frank Woodman-  Facebook link.  Ahhhh, one really can't say anything bad about Woodman.  All around good dude (although he does fall in line with the Hamtramck machine too much at times), but he is always positive (which is cool, I guesssss).  I do find it odd that he is not doing the Caveman gimmick which has become synonymous with the music festival.  He has also been quieter than usual promoting the Fest.  Just some things I've noticed.. #MA

Betsy Soukup-  "Grid"- 1.02-  I waited too long for nothing to happen.  All I can say is that her Soundcloud profile pic shows she is adept at handling a large instrument.
Emile Rivard-  Facebook link.

002-  Youtube video error.

The Idiot Kids-  "Live at Lager House"- 0.17-  Nearly unlistenable, though I can see why they are popular in certain "niches".  What's that line from Less Than Zero?  "I bet he's for sale."

Brian McCarty & the Big Bad Beat-  I typed all of that just for a Facebook link??

Hala-  "Spoonfed"- 0.35-  More singer/songwriter fare.  Not bad at all.  Actually, better than some of the other 50 singer/songwriters playing this year's Fest.  #MA

Krillin-  Facebook link.  Looks contrived and dumb.  However here is a link from local journalist Jeff Milo covering this act.  This is the only act he has written about playing HMF (which is 2 days away) Link is here:  Local Journalism
Okay so there are 160+ acts playing this Fest and all those words devoted to THAT?? No other preview at all.  True there's still time, well two days actually.  Ah fuck it.  Nobody reads that anyway.

Discipline-  "Before the Storm"- 0.34-  Dull and mildly self-important piano bunk.

Ladyship Warship-  "Horse Ride"- 0.56-  Didn't have a problem with this at all.  Well produced, moody, and fine with me.  #MA

Shallow Stairs-  "Slush"- 0.47-  Didn't have a problem with this either.  Basic 90's rock, but still catchy enough to make it work.  #MA

Ancient Language-  "Fear For Love"- 0.37-  Sounds like a local Radiohead knock-off.  The actual band Radiohead sucks soooooooooooo...
Brother Son-  "Confidence"- 0.54-  Not sure what type of vibe they were going for.  The song itself was decent for what it was until the singer tried to ill-advise scat.

White Bee-  "Beat State"- 0.30-  Didn't really do anything for me.  Ska-ish soul rock.  I can picture them doing a residency at HockeyTown Cafe.

Honeybabe-  "Resist the Temptation"- 0.18-  Didn't like it at all.  Minor key jazz boredom.  I will resist the temptation to check this act out.

Wiccans-  "Maiden"- 0.51-  Mildly generic Sabbath/Wolfmother riffs, though well done.  Missed out on the hashtag once the singing started.

Eroders-  "Searching For You"- 0.37-  Generic rock/punk to the point of sleep, and I have two pages to go.  C'mon dudes....

Tin Foil-  "She's an Automaton"- 0.52-  Just more generic cookie cutter rock zzz's.  I did like the Johnny Thunder-esque opening riff.

Primitiv Parts-  "So Dark"- 0.54-  Loses points for not being able to spell, but yet endearing.  Sloppy as fuck.  I liked the energy here.  #MA

Slob-  Link to a Facebook.  I don't know what it is that cracks me up at the name of this band, but I can't stop laughing.  So simple, yet hilarious.  Even without hearing a note they are #MA.  I just hope they don't suck, but I'm not logging into Facebook to find out because I want the dream to stay alive!

Francis DeCarlo-  Not logging in to Spotify.

LNSP-  "11th Floor"- 0.25-  Title of this song is where I want to jump off of after hearing it.  More shit jazz music.  Even worse than that last jazz act whose name I already forgot.

Dude-  "Ooh Come Back"- 0.33-  This is what they'll probably be saying when the venue starts to clear out.  More generic fluff.  Sounds like the entire band is on antidepressants.

Web-  "No Sign of Life"- 0.51-  The title of this one is a fitting metaphor for the HamFest booking committee.  However, I will give this a borderline #MA mainly because I really dug the guitar tone.  The vocals were what they were.

Bubak-  "Hang 'em Higher"- 1.37-  I gave this some time to marinate, but it lost me when the vocals started.  Decent sound production though.

Suitcase Boozers-  "In With the Old"- 0.51-  I'd still rather walk with Elias, but the first part of this track is enough to get a borderline #MA. Not as cool as Ratty Backpack Boozer (aka, me).

TART-  "Toothache"- 0.37-  This act has been generating a little buzz the past year or so and it was okay I guess.  With Odd Hours falling off the face of the planet after Natasha went Axl mental and unfriended everybody, I guess we have a replacement.  Just an observation, but where has Tunde been?  I know Gold House media latched onto him as their meal ticket.  Then Tunde said, "I don't think you know what I meant by a meal ticket.  Let's skip the Fest and go to Golden Corral."

Mango Lane-  "Goodbye, Sweet Mango"- 0.54-  Okay that last blurb may have been a little TOO heelish so this act automatically gets the #MA hashtag.  They actually earned it though.  I wanted to hate it, but it was actually quite good.  Well performed and well produced.

Go Tiger Go-  "Inhale"- 0.46-  Probably a bunch of pussies, but this definitely is a catchy song. #MA

Heartbreak Dallas and the Unfaithfuls-  "The Murder Shuffle"- 0.53-  I had a chill wash over me thinking this was a Matthew "The Ripper" Dallas comeback project.  Thankfully it was just harmless, solid country that gets a #MA.

Black Tie Circus-  Facebook link.  Nope.

Cash O'Riley-  "Wild Women"- 1.02-  Bunch of geezers, but they have a good sound, and can write a good country song.  And I hate country. #MA

Border Patrol-  "A Little Bit Better"- 0.46-  I wanted to shut it off immediately but it grew on me.  Twee folk, but dammit, another #MA

Old Man-  "Lay Your Weapons"- 0.35-  Ehhhhhhh, I'm going to have to pass on this.  Generic, with meh vocals.  Still, could be worse.  Instead of being called Old Man they could've been named Old Empire.

Kubat, Finlay, and Rose-  "Shadows & Light"- 0.27-  Mildly boring.  I'm sure they are nice people though.

Anthony Retka-  "Radiant White"- 0.22-  More singer/songwriter stuff.  Is this a music festival or an open mic night?

Jo Serrapere & John Devine-  Broken Youtube link.

Kate Hinote-  Broken Youtube link.

J Slim & the Jambros-  "Float This River"- 0.42-  Well done blues rock.  No complaints here. #MA

NLR Experience-  "Self Titled"- 0.16-  Sucked.  I can't really go into detail how unlistenable this was.

Kelly Zullo/Invisible Circus-  "Trip Inside"- 0.33-  I wanted to smash the guitar over the guitarist's head.

Banjoelectric-  "Pope Lick Rd."- 1.08-  I liked it.  Yeh, more roots music, but had just enough doom and gloom for me. #MA

Virginia Violet & the Rays-  "Terminal"- 0.45-  Decent attempt at Motown, but not enough chops to pull it off.  Plus there's like one black guy in the band and they made him stand at the end of the band promo photo.. C'mon doods!

Bogart-  "Don't Say So Long"- It must be getting to the end because I don't feel anything anymore.  I even forgot to time this one.  So "so long", I guess.

Raven Love & the 27's-  "Not My Heart"- 0.36-  Ohhhh Raven you know that reverb gets me going.  Too bad the song left me flat (hey at least I didn't say "limp").

School of Rock Rochester- Cuppa Youtube clips.  I'm not going to rip on kids.  Keep following your dreams and stay far away from....ooops, that joke's quota has already been met too. #MA

The Gruesome Twosome-  "Teenage Monster"- 0.24-  Cramps style rock which is expected given the band name/song title.  Standard waters, but solid. #MA

Bad Medicine-  "Leap Year"- 0.36-  Kind of dull and slow.  Also, Lo and Behold Records is promoted all over their Bandcamp.  Does this mean they won't even make it to Saturday??

Little Traps-  "Mouth Full of Butterflies"- 0.29-  More roots/folk music.  HMF do you even know your own demographic paradigm?

Piffle-  "Stimulation 1"- 1.29-  Sucked. Waste of my time.  Blips and amp feedback.  Terrible.  I thought the laptop crashed.

Steve Harvey Oswald-  "Death Via Remedy"- 0.04-  Fuck these guys.  This time last year they were posting my personal information and threatening to kill my cats.  Now, when its convenient, they are the saviors of the opioid epidemic, and martyrs for all affected by it.  Oh, fuck off.  They think they are the wittiest guys in the room, which in this town gets you nothing more than a part time bartending gig at Kelly's Bar when everything else dries up, which is any day now. Actually the shift to the dour martyr gimmick makes me think these guys could use a drink.  Me, just listening to 5 seconds of this shit makes me want to acquire every Narcan kit in Hamtramck and blast them directly into my fucking eardrums.  Also, pussies. #pipebomb

The Savage Sisters-  "Cold Sweat"- 0.57-  Whew....okay, next act.  I didn't have a problem with it.  Good sound, although I was only lukewarm on the vocals.  I'll give it a lukewarm #MA

Futile Empire- Facebook link, so nope.  They could be worse.  Instead of Futile Empire they could have been called Old Empire.  Actually that means the same thing.

ZILCH- A fitting end to the preview as their Soundcloud had nothing that would let me preview. Also, their band name reiterates the amount of buzz around this year's Fest.

So, that's it.  I have flagged my Metro Certified bands (#MA), who are now all going, "Ahhhhhhh fuck...."  I did have an okay time looking into all the acts for one last preview.  I hope all the bands playing have a good time using this preview to hopefully check out other bands because I think I am the only person who is actually paying for a wristband this year.  And seriously, what is up with the influx of roots/folk acts? Like their crowd wants to be in Hamtramck at 11pm or later. Fuck it, what do I know?  Anyway feel free to share this preview on your social medias to get the word out about as many of these acts as possible.  I'm sure more than a few would appreciate the fact that at least they are being talked about by somebody independent of the actual festival, and who just happens to be the realist local journalist in town.  How you doin'?

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro 

*By the way, where is the Sunday brunch at? It's nowhere on the website and I'm not going through 500 FB posts. Asking for a friend.  Okay, asking for Hip in Detroit (couldn't help it).
*Update*- The HMF website just updated that there will be no Sunday brunch and it will return in 2019.  Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha can you even fuck anything up any more? These geezers are hilarious.