Out now on Checkers Records Collective, the new LP by JCM, "The Fall of Bryan Metro".

Listen To This Now!!!!

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Metro's Top Movies of 2015

Well, it's my favorite writing time of the year (aside from when I work on my soon to be debut novel, The Invisible People), my top movie list of the past year.  Each year it seems to get bigger and bigger; the list too!  Match them moles!

This year I will touch base on the "Need to See's" from last years list, the Need to Sees from this year, those that missed the cut, the yearly Disappointment, the Honorable Mentions of 2015, and finally the Top Ten.  As always, I in no way attempt to write what I feel are the best, but what are my favorites.  I'm no film critic, just a film fan.  Let's roll....

2014 Need to See Updates

The Lego Movie-  Still haven't seen.  Lost interest

Zero Theorem-  Still haven't seen.  Still want to due to Gilliam and Waltz

Grand Piano-  Still haven't seen

Green Inferno-  Moved to 2015 release period

Foxcatcher-  Still haven't seen.  Time has passed

Grand Budapest Hotel-  Still haven't seen.  Pro's- Impressive Oscar run.  Con's- Wes Anderson

Theory of Everything-  Still haven't seen.  Probably won't

Only Lovers Left Alive-  Still haven't seen.  Will see.

Selma-  Still haven't seen.  Also, time has past.

The Interview-  Still haven't seen.  Not too worried because these guys make the same movie every time.

American Sniper-  Still haven't seen. Probably will.

Filth-  Still haven't seen.  Maybe will.



So, there ya go.... all of the "Need to See's" from 2014 and I saw absolutely zero which doesn't bode well for this year's Need to See list, but I am still including them.  Here we go.....

2015 Need To See

The Loft-  It kind of came and went and didn't get the best of reviews, but I'm always drawn to stories about worthless people and "very bad things".  See what I did there!

Project Almanac-  Tried to be this year's Chronicle, but from what I hear, fell short.  Still, I love a good time travel yarn.

Tomorrowland-  I tried to see this numerous times during a theater hop but always failed.  I was also put off by the luke-warm word of mouth.  Brad Bird-s first mis-fire.

Inside Out-  I don't really sweat animated films, but this one will probably win the Oscar so it has my attention.  My dad hated it *Upon correction, he did not like some of the characters.

Mission Impossible:Rogue Nation-  The Mission Impossible series is like a fuck buddy.  I never saw Part 1, tolerated Part 2, missed Part 3, saw Part 4 in true IMAX at the Henry Ford and loved it, and missed this one.  I'm cheating on you Mission Impossible series..

Bridge of Spies-  This Spielberg film kind of came and went.  Good word of mouth, but it just didn't sell me.  What worries me is that it was a Spielberg movie, written by the Coen brothers, starring Tom Hanks....and it didn't sell me.

Crimson Peak-  I really wanted to see this on the big screen, but once again, lukewarm word of mouth cooled me off.  Plus it was only at the dollar show for a week!  Tom Hiddleston, I have abandoned you two years in a row.

Carol and Spotlight-  Oscar bait is Oscar bait.

With that out of the way, we move on to the main course, the movies that I have actually seen this year.  We will start with our missed cuts, then Disappointment of the Year, followed by the Honorable Mentions, and then the Top Ten.  Once again, I emphasize this is my own opinion, so it may be a tad unconventional.

Missed the Cut

Green Inferno-  This was on the "Need to See" list for 2014 but was bumped to 2015 based on its release date.  I do enjoy movies with unlikable characters, but I can't put my finger on it, and this just fell flat.  I liked the idea of "social justice warriors" getting their comeuppance, but I was expecting so much more.  I will give credit for a cannibal movie being released in 2015, however,

Avengers:Age of Ultron-  The "Marvel Model" has finally hit the ceiling.  It was a fun movie with a great vocal turn by James Spader, but it just felt like a set-up for future Marvel movies where the heroes have to obtain something/MacGuffin.

San Andreas-  There is no reason this movie should be anywhere on my list, much less the missed cuts, but The Rock versus an earthquake and Alexandra Daddario in, cough, 3d.  Ok sold.

Jurassic World-  I've never been a fan of the Jurassic movies so I didn't have a connection with this.  However, Chris Pratt is a babe, but I don't have any need to see this again.

The Gallows-  As a theater geek in high school, along with a fan of found footage movies, I was really looking forward to this one about a ghost haunting a high school drama production.  The execution (pun not intended) sucked.  So much potential....


And here we come to this year's "Disappointment".  2 years ago it was Gravity and this year is another Sci Fi Fav.  Disappointment.

Disappointment of 2015
The Martian-  I love Ridley Scott.  I love Ridley Scott Sci-Fi.  This movie was a face palm.  It was filmed well and had decent performances, but I did not connect with it in any way, nor felt any emotion during it.  All I could think is the author and production team saying, "Look how smart we are," and then shitting out a boring movie.  My least favorite movie experience of the year.

Now it is the time for the List Proper.  When I first started it years ago, it only included the Top 10 and Honorable Mentions, and now it has become quite bloated with all these other categories, and I hope that everybody enjoys it and the time I have put into it.  Now, on to the 2015 Honorable Mentions......

2015 Honorable Mentions

In no particular order....

Knock Knock---This is a remake of 1977's Death Game versus Funny Games starring Keanu Reeves as a flawed husband who makes the mistake of letting two doffable babes into his home on a rainy night.  I personally am loving older-period Keanu Reeves as he is taking more chances.  His performance in this rivals Nic Cage's "Bees" performance in The Wicker Man.

Jupiter Ascending-  What a clusterfuck of a movie... Channing Tatum as a dog boy.  Mila Kunis not looking hot.  Eddie Redmayne confirming he is the worst actor to ever win an Academy Award,  Should have been called The Wachowski's Descending.  Trainwreck on film.  Still an Honorable Mention.

It Follows-  Almost made the cut....but didn't.  This is a very original, locally made horror movie that just didn't stick the landing.  It included a very unique premise about a "something" that stalks you via sex but the film really does not maximize the potential of the concept.  Has some very creepy sequences, and some very dull sequences.

Furious 7-  Popcorn cinema.  You know what you're going to get.  Stupid fun.  Made the Honorable Mention list only because of the editor re:Paul Walker, plus the nice send off.

Unfriended-  A throwaway found footage movie that really embraced the challenge of making it a unique experience utilizing only computer chat screens.  It's not the best movie but kudos for at least trying something different.  If you like found footage horror; recommended.

Insidious 3-  Cookie cutter horror film.  If you liked the ghost hunter characters from the first two films then you will have fun with this origin story.  2015 was a soft year for horror.  This isn't the greatest but it is serviceable.

Terminator:Genisys-  Yes, yes, I know.  This was universally badmouthed, but goddamitt, I found it entertaining and had fun with it.  Call it nostalgia, or whatever, but seeing Arnold as The Terminator once again was very cool, and the scene with him entering a police station carrying a giant teddy bear was hilarious.  I know it sounds terrible but it works.

Spectre-  I've read a lot of comments on how a lot of people didn't like this Bond entry as much as Skyfall, but aside from the weak Sam Smith opening song, I thought it was on par.  Finally, the producers of the Daniel Craig Bond's realized the importance of a memorable villain with Javier Bardiem in Skyfall and Christoph Waltz in Spectre.  Also, they remembered the importance of the signature hentchman and Batista delivered and the train fight rivaled the Connery/Robert Shaw one from From Russia With Love.


Finally, we reach the end.  The Top 10.5 of 2015 for me.  Nothing much left to be said aside from the 2015 10.5 "caveat" spot.  Which rolls out.....now.

2015 Metro's Top 10.5 Movies of the Year

10.5  Creed & Bone Tomahawk-  10.5 is reserved for two movies I have not seen but anticipate them so much I left them off the "Need to See" list.  Make sense??  No??  Whatever.  I do feel based on work of mouth, that they may have the power to unseat the #10 on this list.  Thus 10.5.  Bone Tomahawk is a horror/western starring Kurt Russell against cannibals.  Nuff said.  Creed I will probably see by myself because I hate people seeing me cry.  Rumors of a Sly Stallone Oscar nom may come to fruition.

10.  American Ultra-  I never thought I'd see a film starring Kristen Stewart make one of my Top 10.5 lists but after this movie and her totally coked-out, goth space cadet appearance on this week's Jimmy Fallon Show, I finally fell for her.  Jessie Eisenberg plays Jessie Eisenberg who plays a sleeper cell secret agent who doesn't know he is actually a secret agent and thinks he's just Jessie Eisenberg.  The true highlight is Topher Grace as the hilarious villain who does nothing but act exasperated and complain for the entire running time.  This flew under the radar (as write Max Landis pointed out via a bizarro Twitter rant), but is definitely worth a viewing.

9.  The Gift-  A wickedly mean, original, adult drama with great performances from Jason Bateman, playing against type, and Joel Edgerton, who also wrote and directed the movie.  It is one of those movies that I like to call a Rorschach Test movie, as your mileage may vary. There is a definite sadness to it.  Extremely well-written with an open ended ending.  Seek this one out jerks.

8.  The Visit-  Of course it is easy to hate on M. Night Shyamalan these days after such clunkers like The Happening and the Doff Top in the Water but he really did return to form with this low budget found footage-esque movie about a brother and sister who visit their grandparents and, well, things turn weird.  My one critique is that M. Night (can I call you M. Night?) overwrites the kid's dialogue making them smarter than 99% of kids their age.  There really isn't a "twist", well I guess there is, but this time it feels like a plot development rather than a twist.  Pushes the boundries of PG13.  Okay, now I'm gonna twist one off, yo.

7.  Star Wars:The Force Awakens-  Yeah yeah yeah, I know it's not "cool" to have this on a year end list based on some of the year end lists I've seen so far, but it really did deliver.  I even cried.  Multiple times.  No matter what anybody says, including "Oh, it's just a remake of A New Hope", this was a Star Wars movie inside and out.  It was so nice to see Harrison Ford energetic and engaged again in a role.  The new cast didn't drop the ball and it got me excited for future episodes.  Mission accomplished.

6.  Mad Max:Fury Road-  This is the movie that has fluctuated the most for me throughout the year.  Three minutes ago it was #5.  Maybe I just saw it too many times.  I would not be surprised if I saw it nominated for Best Picture.  Though it does have its flaws, George Miller returns successfully to his Wasteland world like he never left.  Tom Hardy is a decent Max surrogate and the action scenes live up to the hype.  I love how it didn't dumb itself down for the viewer and just plunged them into this world.  One caveat-  I know how everyone is talking about Charlize Theron's performance as Furiousa, but I found it very wooden.  However, this will always hold a special place in my heart as it was the last movie that I watched with my father in the theater.

5.  Sicario-  Months from now we may find this higher on my list (this is the game that moves as you play).  The performances are top-notch across the board.  Emily Blunt balances fragile and strong as the FBI agent dragged into the Mexican cartel drug war.  Benicio Del Toro is equally amazing as....well, you'll have to see the movie to know.  I would assume he would receive a Supporting Actor nomination but the film may have been released a bit too early and may be overshadowed, which would be a crime.  Josh Brolin is acting like he is in a different movie, giving a gonzo performance as the guy in charge; the teflon man.  The cinematography is great courtesy of Roger Deakins and the score is equally amazing.  This is what a movie would look like if Stanley Kubrick directed a Mexican drug cartel movie.

4.  Krampus-  One of, if not my most, favorite movie theater experiences of the year.  This was a hybrid of Gremlins, Christmas Vacation, and You're Next.  David Koechner is comic gold playing the same character that he always does.  I love me a holiday movie that pulls no punches.  The ending was a direct homage to Time Bandits, one of my Top Three movies of all time, in that a boy goes on adventures, wakes up, nope not a dream, but only a dream away.  Cynicism does have its place in entertainment.

3.  The Hateful Eight-  Just starting typing this, I can already hear Ennio Morricone's ominous score in my head.  Tarantino's eighth film delivers.  Is it too long?  Yes.  Is it too talky?  Yes. That being said, it is a Tarantino western (and I would even say horror) movie with an original score by Morricone.  Every performance it at an A-Game level, as expected in a Tarantino ensemble piece, with due emphasis on Walton Goggins and Jennifer Jason Leigh, whose facial expressions; a smile here, a sneer there, show the power of nonverbal communication.  I had a lot of fun with this one, and while it did not reach the emotional peaks of Django Unchained or Inglourious Basterds, I'm still glad movies like this are being made these days.  I wouldn't complain if I got a Tarantino movie under my tree every Xmas day.

2.  Kingsmen:The Secret Service-  Prrrrrrrobably the most fun I had at the movies this year.  I took my parents to see it and my dad bought the DVD the week it came out (never got to watch it).  This is what movies need to be.  Make the movie, fuck the rating.  This is a hard Rated R romp that is the best James Bond movie not featuring James Bond.  Colin Firth plays against type as a total badass secret agent.  Like John Wick last year, this creates a very original world to play around in.  Sam Jackson is hilarious as the Super Villain with a lisp and a fear of blood.  His hentchwoman (there's that concept again) is a total babe with legs made out of blades, and the ending includes anal sex.  How is this not #1??

1.  Ex Machina-  My favorite movie of the year.  My initial review:  Just see it.
A little exposition:  Office dude wins a competition to visit and stay with the evil, but not totally evil, genius and test his A.I. creation.  Off course, everything goes off the rails from there.  Stanley Kubrick is my favorite director, and I miss his vision to this day, but this film, Alex Garland's first, has his cold, yet intelligent sensibility.  Oscar Isaac is brilliant in this as the always drunk "mad scientist" and Alicia Vikander is amazing, sad, hopeful, loving, hateful, scared, smart, and sexy as Ava, the A.I.  I can't recommend this one enough.

Well, now that 2015's list has been completed, I'm about to tear up this fucking dance floor, dude.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Saturday, January 2, 2016

The Future of Music



So what do you think? Is it worth putting out an album anymore? Is it worth making a CD or a Tape or transmitting music to consumers in any format other than vinyl or digital? When was the last time you walked into a Best Buy or the like to buy a CD? Vinyl has become the commodity of the fan and the ultimate status symbol amongst artists/musicians. At the independent level, convincing someone to finance your LP/EP/Single to cut to vinyl speaks way more volumes than what festival you played or how many soundcloud shares you have or how much money you made off of selling t-shirts and a spindle of duped CD-R's. There has been a definite resurgence over the the past 5-10 years. So much so that any of the 10 pressing plants in the US have a 3+ month waiting period. So how do you build yourself to by financially solvent from music alone? Especially in a climate that is so convoluted and polluted with any kid with an ipad and a wifi connection. Look at Portland-based label Italians Do It Better. Before the movie "Drive", Johnny Jewel and co. were probably big in Portland but otherwise relatively unknown. He shaped his whole label around the Italo Disco/Neon/Popart aesthetic. His various projects rarely tour or generate any new music other than a single here and there on soundcloud/spotify. He just keeps repackaging the same merchandise with different colors, autographs, etc and intermittently puts them up for sale thus creating a high demand and selling out almost instantaneously at times. Smart. Good for him. The timing was right and he had enough acumen to financially captitalize from it. Is it luck? Is it truly being in the right place at the right time? It often seems so. For all the musicians and artists out there do seldom any become a household name. Think of all the Detroit rappers out there and the only ones that really come to mind are Danny Brown, Eminem, ICP, and J Dilla. I'm sure there are many more that I am not mentioning but I am from the suburbs and am not particularly fond of hip hop. After having a good run of roughly 10 years writing and performing music, The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre was probably the most successful band I have been involved in. We had 1 great year where the sky seemed to be the limit. We gained popularity/notoriety by being truthfully opinionated about the local music scene and those involved in it. At times we targeted bands or individuals and were crass and destructive. People loved it or they hated it. There was no middle ground. Little by little readership and web page visits increased, more and more people came out to shows, and we were selling merchandise at ridiculous prices. We would often perform 2-3 times in a single evening. Local rags, sites, and blogs wanted a piece of us. What were we going to do next? Did our live show live up to the hype? It did and we were for the most part polarizing the local scene. But nothing lasts forever in the cold November rain. Now we play 2 maybe 3 shows per year for fun. In terms of music and where it's heading. I think the concept of an album will eventually die and an artist will be judged on their social media prowess. Tumblr reblogs, bandcamp downloads, facebook shares, memes, etc. All of those things plus rigorous touring and a viral remix are what threw Crystal Castle into the top of the pops. I suppose the trick is to be 1-Step ahead of the hive mind and call what the next big thing is. After that trick, you can help me win the powerball. Look at Grimes, loads of hype and a decent album made her the indie "it girl" for a good 6 months. Then she let pit hair, Molly Soda, her pussy, and hippie feminism overshadow her music and make her fucking abhorrent. On the flip-side, Miley Cyrus took the same conceits and fused them with drug culture and porn to brand herself as totally "up for anything" and interesting from a boner perspective. It is a very interesting time we live in. We are all mind controlled by our iphones and devoid of human interaction with facebook/instagram/tinder. Perhaps the way to make it is create a new genre that is acceptable by all creeds or have that 1-Hit that goes completely viral (Pharell/Gnarls Barkley/Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars). Once you have the fame and clout, then the medium becomes your landscape to do whatever the fuck you want and profit from it (Jack White). Who knows? Who cares? I'm thankful that 2-3 times a year I get to tear up the fucking dance floor.

-jr Born Evil

Friday, December 4, 2015

Top JCM Cover Songs

Metro back with today's list.  Now while JCM has primarily been known as a live band they also have two studio albums (along with a few EP's) all of which are available at the bottom of the page, we also have been known to defer to other established acts (all of which have zero DMA's).  Today's list takes a look at my favorite JCM cover songs during shows.  It took me a day and a half to come up with ten so cut me some slack, Jack.

Top Ten JCM Cover's


10.  Christmas Kicks-  The list starts off with a kind of a stretch in that this was basically a JCM homage/rip off of "Teenage Kicks".  Still, with the holidays approaching I did want to include it on this list.

9.  It's Showtime-  This was quite the popular cover during our early days; the all or nothing days.  Also, our only cover of another local band The Electric Six.  We eliminated this from our set after Dick Valentine refused to sign my photograph copy of his 8X10 at Blowout 2 years ago.

8.  Double Talkin' Jive-  This was an in-song cover during a "Destination Street" breakdown.  I only used it a few times with the best being at some place in Ferndale with two "lifemates" eating up the reference.

7.  So Alive-  This Love and Rockets classic has also made many an appearance during the "Destination Street" breakdown so due to its longevity it makes the list.
For old times sake

6.  You Could Be Mine-  This entry is a bit bittersweet due to the recent death of Velvet Revolver frontman Scott Weiland but I had to include it on the list.  Also a "Destination Street" breakdown cover.

5.  The Wyatt Family Theme-  This is near and dear to my heart in that I actually play guitar on it while Goldust-jr handled vocals.  We only performed it once, the night we bronco busted Superbomb to oblivion in the wrestling themed show.
Outside Interference

4.  Hot Head-  This Captain Beefheart cover was also only performed once, the week he passed away.  It was a bittersweet show in that I had to use notes to remember the lyrics and that gave me the confidence to no longer remember the words to our own songs for future shows and just use a notebook.  Better to be safe as milk than sorry.
Flip the scarf

3.  Chatterbox-  This cover of the classic New York Dolls/Johnny Thunders song is -jr's go-to cover during the "X" moment of our shows.  Unfortunately, no footage of it exists, but hopefully one day he will let me play guitar on it.

2.  20th Century Boy-  This is perhaps our most professionally accurate of our cover songs.  The only problem being I only know the first verse and just sing it the entire song.  No footage also.

1.  TV Eye-  Ahhh yes, number one.  There was no other choice than this cover of the seminal Bootsey X classic "TV EYE".  Like most professionals, you go out on your back looking at the lights just like Undertaker at Wrestlemania XXX (yet...not retired yet), so I defer the number one slot to this cover, which is normally sung by our Asian bass player Wang.  On the occasions where Wang is not available (or forgets about) a show I do the vocals.  As with the number 2 selection I just know the first verse.  I will include the footage from the original recording as our version is only available on dvd which can be purchased via this website.
Bootsey Sandow

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Thursday, December 3, 2015

December Lists...and so it Begins

Hey slurries, Metro here.  A year or so ago in December I did a list a day gimmick here and it was met with decent fanfare so I will attempt to do it again this December because there are absolutely zero local blogs with any type of entertaining content.  Now, I know I am getting a late start because its already Dec. 3/4 so I will try to kick out the content and give some sort of entertainment to you fuckers.  I usually only post on weekdays so don't get greedo and I'm skipping Dec. 1st because in true JCM fashion, we're always late.
Dec. 2nd-  Top 10 JCM Tracks

I would think it would be fitting if we started out 2015's lists with an ode to us.  So here I list my favorite JCM tracks over our 8 year history.  You can find any number of these hits online and if you can't.....our apologies.

Back in 2007 everybody in the local scene said that we'd be gone by the end of the year.  So now, in our retirement year, on our terms, let me give you my favorite songs from us..... (Once again, all of the Metro JCM lists are of my opinion and that can change from day to day.)

10.  Economy-  The one that started it all.  Had a great time filming the video even though the guy we had shooting it had no comprehension of shooting a video.  Still, it was our first song, and it was nice seeing the old apartment.  Flame away.

9.  Fat Mary-  Unfortunately this has not seen the live stage or Youtube as it was an EP exclusive.  You might be able to find it on our shop site/ black Friday/ Fat Mary, but it is one of our most melodic songs.....about a fat girl that gave decent head.

8.  Milky White-  A personal favorite that was savaged on the local blogs that have since passed on as an Electric Six copy.  Maybe it was, Maybe it was me trying to stretch my artistic dream.

7.  Sonic Egyptian-  One of the originals from our debut album.  Trivia-  I couldn't sing "An exotic egyptian" in time so we removed a syllable and changed it to Sonic.


6.  Scatter Lee-  -jr's signature song.  It's been with us since almost the beginning.

5.  End of the World-  This song represented  my most drug addled portion of the band.  I had zero input from music to words.  Nominated for a Detroit Music Award.  Muahahahahha

4.  Destination Street-  The only song in our catalogue that has been written by Asian Bass Player Wang.Has been in every show.  Yet no Youtube clips :(

3.  Vampires-  My favorite song I've wrote.  Its like a Bret Ellis novel turned to song

2.  Never Never Land-  Though not written by me, my favorite song to perform.

1.  1970's High Octane Death Race.-  Second best song I wrote but probably our best.  Dig it.


From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Retirement Tour/List Party/Final Show of 2015

Metro here updating via phone and don't care that I have zero control over the font. However, I wanted to let everybody know that the JCM retirement tour continues on 12/27 at the New Way and that starting Dec. 1st I will be bringing back the December list gimmick. There is a time when you realize there isn't much left. Let's have fun From the Iceman Commeth Bryan Metro

Friday, November 6, 2015

12/27

we gois like brisbois

bro.

Born Evil
-jr

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Fundale in Ferndale



Wang & I hopped the lightrail and wound up in Fabulous Ferndale last night. We decided to dine at One Eyed Betty's (Hipster Dweezil Nexus). I asked for a High Life and was instructed that they "don't sell that kind of beer here, only craft beers", so I had a Ghettoblaster and blasted off. I ordered a Cuban Pork Belly Sandwich. It was ok, a little over-greasified. For dessert, I had a Bulleit Bourbon neat. Then we hitchhiked over to Valentine's Vodka. For my first drink, I had a Ford '37 minus the cherry. It was mediocre and I suffered through it. For the next round, I switched it up to a Kentucky Mule, a personal favorite. At this point, Wang noticed Detroit local quasi celebrity Charlie Leduff tongue-deep in a hogbody. 20-30 minutes passed and the hogbody and her way hotter friend were exiting and walking past us screeching, "You're wife is luck that you're such a great kisser." We were captivated instantly. For our final nightcap we wandered next door. The name of the establishment escapes me but it was a deli style bar that served all beers that I had never heard of with a giant arcade in the basement. Leduff was behind the bar in everyone's way waiting for someone to notice him. He put his arms up and said, "Can I have everyones' attention? Does anybody have a radio?" Noone replied verbally or even with a nod or wink. He shuttered and then honed in on some guy's hot girlfriend....being a dick and unsubtle. After he helped himself to handing out free kirs of champagne he wandered out to the porch where Wang and I were. Some African American female fans came up to him and asked for a photograph. All of a sudden Leduff's eyes widened and he started foaming at the mouth with an acute case of jungle fever. At that point his dick popped out of his safety pinned pants and the women were fervently jacking it. As his eyes rolled back in his skull and his tongue draped out of his mouth, Revoir came to out the corner and started cupping his hands in the folds of his jeans by his asscrack praying the denim split. This gyration lasted for 5 minutes that seemed like 5 hours. As he came he garbled, "Henry Winkler Sign my boots, can you see?" Noone could see but everyone lied and said they could. Then Wang and I preened ourselves, hopped up on our hands, and clapped our feet all the way home.

-jr

Friday, October 9, 2015

It's Fall and everybody is as Insufferable as ever

Metro checking in,

It's been a pretty uneventful year so far aside from my pops passing away, and even worse, being left off the Hamtramck Music Fest.
So far, the highlight was the Ruiners doing the Geiko commercial-

Festivals have come and gone and they have had the same lineup for pretty much all of them (with some leeways for the regional ones such as Cosmic Irrelevant Shapes with the Hamtram Fest and Ryan "I'm a dad now, like that's never happened to anybody ever before" Allen at the Ferndale thing).  I have been out of the loop for the summer but when looking into local music news, it seemed like it was still the same.  Sites pushing Tunde, PASSalaqua, etc because if they would have happened, been a "thing" they would have by now.  Just so so boring.

Then there is this Facebook gimmick where people list 30 bands that they have played with.  Okay.  Why?  Who cares?  I love seeing people that the JCM have played with not acknowledging it.  The best one was Deastro who said he played a dj set at a different part of the Majestic complex when another national act was playing.  Virtual high five.  I'm pretty sure my next "Top10" list will be "Top Ten Bands we played with that pretend it never happened".

Finally, -jr tipped me off to this tirade from the non-attractive member of the Pretty Ghouls about some act they played with and something/something went down and blah blah, so instead of dealing with the act face to face they went on Facebook, where all their sycophants can offer praises.  Here's the post:
"Dear Isis Layton of Barb Wire Dolls,
Hi! It's TJ from the Pretty Ghouls. We opened for you last night in Detroit. We had fun. But, I've been informed you didn't have so good of a time due to some of yer possessions that came up missing which you feel I may have been responsible for. Misunderstandings happen, so I just wanted to come here to address a few of those missing items in hopes to clarify the situation, and maybe even help you regain them! So, lets take them one by one! C'mon, it'll be fun! MISSING ITEM #1: Your Fans Though there was a lot going on in Detroit last night I felt there was a decent group of people who came out for the show, despite being a Thursday. But, the crowd did noticeably dwindle by time you took the stage. This, I must admit, I am somewhat responsible for. And I'd like to apologize for it, Isis. See, once we got done playing a lot of yer fans came to us saying we blew you away (before you had even started) and they had to leave because there was no way you would be able to compare. Like…a lot of yer fans came to us saying this. I was kinda surprised by their praises considering I didn't even feel we played that great of a set. Regardless, I was happy to sell them our records on their way out. You were upstaged, many of yer fans noticed, and they left. It happens. And I take full responsibility for that. MISSING ITEM #2: The Leather Jacket About 2am last night after the show I started getting texts from my singer saying you were accusing me of having stolen and sold off one of the pre-spiked, pre-patched, pre-punked leather jackets with yer band name outrageously printed all over it. If you need a more accurate description of said jacket, it was one of the ones that looked like it was conceived and designed by a slimy PR guy who was inspired by typing the word "super punk" into google image search while listening to Rod Stewart's solo albums on his iTunes. Is this the same guy that writes yer music? Anyways, I understand you don't know me, but if you did you would know the idea of me doing this is far too funny to even be offended by. But, if it helps, I did actually watch this jacket being sold. It was sold to an older punk lady by a guy who I had assumed was yer merch man (I also assumed he was responsible for cutting the mid drifts off all yer shirts and holes in yer leggings after they are purchased from Hot Topic). Anyways, maybe with the power of social media you can find this lady and she can put you in a better direction of the dude that sold it to her and ran off with yer money. MISSING ITEM #3: Your Dignity When confronted by these missing items you made the mistake of accosting my singer, Asia Mock. Though, that in itself was a mistake, the bigger mistake you made was assuming she wasn't a fiercely strong willed and proud independent woman who isn't capable of being intimidated by you. Perhaps it was a bit shocking for you when she bit back? Yer Facebook (which seems to be managed by the same slimy PR Rod Stewart fan who designed yer merch) has a bio featuring a quote from Kurt Cobain saying "I like the comfort in knowing that women are the only future in rock 'n' roll." Surely he was talking about you, Isis Layton of Barb Wire Dolls! So it makes total sense you'd appropriate the quote for promotional purposes. Supporting women in music is very important to me, and I advocate it at every chance I get. It's sad to know that yer support of women in music is confined to yer own delusional desires with you on top as queen of the scene. I would recommend in the future, as to avoid humiliation, you approach fellow female musicians with the respect and dignity they deserve and you get yer facts straight before you start slinging accusations about situations which you clearly know nothing about. Listen, I understand you had a rough night. Maybe you were self conscious coming to Detroit, the birth place of punk, and all yer fears of being exposed as a watered down "punk" band who's success relies on exploiting the lack of musical taste of main stream music fans would come to surface. And maybe that did happen a little bit last night. And maybe that's why you felt the need to irrationally lash out at the band who exposed you. But here's something you can take solace in: real punk bands need fake punk bands like Barb Wire Dolls. I mean it, Isis! You guys are like that embarrassing band middle school kids listen to because they don't know any better, but in turn act as a gateway to far better music in later years of their life once they've actually developed taste. Have you thought of touring middle schools? You'd do great! Their parents would be so charmed by yer schtick. Bands like Barb Wire Dolls are also great for aging punks who seek relevancy with a younger, modern, though admittedly watered down, version of what they used to be into. 70's New York punk was SO GOOD! And it's totally okay that you desperately invoke those bands without any imagination or adding anything of unique quality to it. Because, hey, at least yer PR clothes designer guy tricked Spin Magazine, the highly esteemed vanguards of punk, into printing quotes putting yer name in the same sentence as the Ramones. I mean…who needs to write good songs when you got THAT going for you?! Am I right? Anyways, welcome to Detroit. Go fuck yourself. Sincerely, TJ Ghoul"


Okay.......I know we can be long winded here on Lavender, but couldn't this have been said a tad shorter? Do you think this national touring act will even read/respond to this?  Typical Detroit inferiority complex.  This coming from a guy whose band whose existence is because the guitarist is dating Danny Dust Rod.  

I immediately regret clicking on local music news.  I regret clicking on everything in my feed.  Its all garbage.
And for the last time.....Tunde will never happen.  Stop trying to make it/waste your time.


From th flah fluff phaaaa,
Bryan Metro

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

size 12 update

hey sadie

ah ate da red chud

Born Evil
Strysee Strysee
-jr

Saturday, September 19, 2015

happy birthday sadie (belated)


roll her in flour and find all the stink spots

Born Evil
Cone of Silence
-jr

Jukebox

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