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Sunday, January 18, 2015

Molly Soda and The American Dream

It is amazing to me that someone I perceive as completely repugnant and void of any talent can make it so far and infect the social conscience.  

Molly Soda has vacated her life of any form of responsibility other than to do drugs and play on the internet.  She has spearheaded a movement of outsiders that mimick her and by default become internet/tumblr icons.  The current buzz words surrounding this phenomenon are "digital artists".

Tumblr is the DJ of the internet-age.  A person can amass endless followers simply by reposting photos, music, videos, etc.  Soon everything gets mish-mashed and becomes a copy of a copy of a copy of a reblog of a reblog.  The saavy culture jammer curates their own style or look while menially interjecting a naked selfie or lip sync until the looks merge and are unanimous.  Simply put, taking other  people's work and bending in to yours to create something new and fresh.

People have been doing this for years and have gained international fame and recognition.  Warhol and Tarantino are the names at the front of my brain.  In no way am I equating Molly Soda with either.  She has carved out this niche where she has built a league of followers and social networked her way into convincing others that her reblogs and karaokes are art.

Last Thursday she curated a gallery at North End Studios titled "What's Your Wifi?"  Basically the gallery consisted of Molly and some of her acolytes projecting gif images on a wall while a crowd oohd, aahed, and applauded.  

This begs the question, "What is art?'  Is it a remixed digital gif projected on a wall that was orignially conceived by a different unknown author?  Is it Shia Lebouf crying under a paper bag while his sycophants line up to interact with the muted actor and trinkets from his movies?  Is it a painiting on a wall or a photograph or a screenprint?  I am not the expert and whoever draws the deciding line is instantly burned at the stake for being a close-minded ass.  

How is this The American Dream in action?  Think about it, a free bleeder that's a quasi-femenist when it's convenient to her "look at me, because I'm beautiful in my own way" ideaology which is hazed in a cloud of e-cig vapor and weed smoke that is too lazy to shave her armpits because she spends all day recording her life in her shitty Detroit maybe Ferndale maybe Livonia apartment maybe parent's house and has been able to market and network herself to thousands of millions of people on the internet and get them to emulate her and even financially support her to a degree.  This is a modern day American Dream in action if I have ever seen one.  

Good for Molly Soda.  Good for the internet.  Good for America.


Friday, January 9, 2015

Tears in the Rain

"I'm actually crying......" This is the first thing I hear during this conference call back home in Detroit and I am sitting out by the pool at the house by the beach and I am still processing the fact that the Magic Stick back home is switching from a rock club/wank fest to a EDM/wank fest and though it did raise my eyebrows a bit ultimately it really doesn't matter and I am pretty much indifferent about it and turn my focus back to whether I have enough time to stream Boyhood, Foxcatcher, the latest Hobbit film, and Selma in time for my Top Films of 2014 list.

 "Bryan, Selma technically can be 2015 so you can spare yourself the hassle," Scott tells me (as if he were reading my thoughts).
"Appreciate it. Whew," I reply and we slap high five.
"I'm actually crying" is spoken again and I turn my focus back to the conference call and I realize it is Sadie talking. I then receive a link to the article about the Magic Stick closing. I focus my full attention to the conference call.....

 "The theater and cafe will still be the same...don't be upset. It was better option then closing entirely," Bree replies.
"It is my fav venue though. My childhood and my love of music was formed in the Magic Stick. I saw some of the best shows of my life there. You thought i was upset about Clutch Cargos, im crying right now hahaha I know its life, it is just sad to me," Sadie replies.
"No, the theater won't be the same... they're turning it into a 400 cap venue if i read it correctly," Matt corrects, sounding a tad bit tipsy.
"I'm actually crying."
"I don't actually know the details beyond the Magic Stick room but all I know was Amir helped them out of closing their doors entirely," Bree tries to elaborate. I wonder where Morrow is in all this and whether CJohnst at the Loving Touch is starting to shake. Neither on this conference call so I have to keep guessing.
"I'm actually crying."
"I've known for a few wks... Sucks super hard," Jessica offers, for what reason I have no idea.
"I'm so mad! I wondered why there have been fewer and fewer punk/hardcore shows happening during the last year or so. This is such a loss for our already little scene," Krzta shouts, and I wonder what Hellmouth is up to these days.
"I'm actually crying."
"Booooooooo," says Alex. Thanks for that.
"I'm actually crying."
"Where the hell am i going to see lagwagon now?!" Mike screams, and I have no idea if he is being serious, ironic, or what the fuck that even is.
"I'm actually crying."
"Good," Ryan exclaims, and is promptly blocked.
"I'm actually crying."
"I need more places to dance to top 40," Ryan continues under an alternate number and is blocked once again.
"I'm actually crying."
"Two less venues for for musicians with larger audiences in the rock/punk/metal/alt etc. scene... That really sucks. It's already hard enough to get bands to make their way up to Detroit," Nicole states and then exits the conference call to take a different, separate, conference call from Ferndale.
"I'm actually crying."
"RIP - Pharroh's, The Wired Frog, 2500 Club, Idle Kids, Blondies, etc. One more gone," John moans into the phone and I can hear him taking selfies in between sobs.
"I'm actually crying."
"Clutch cargos," Sadie offers, sans irony, and then "I'm actually crying."
"That too," John replies. Thanks for that. Such a fucking stereotype.
"I'm actually crying."
"Not that I ever got to experience their shows in real life, just heard the stories from my dad but the Eastown Theatre and Grande Ballroom too. RIP." Nicole says, trying to fit in.
"I'm actually crying."
"Hopcat was prob the nail in the coffin," Scott explains, offering a rare moment of intelligence in a Sadie conference call, and I contemplate blocking him but ultimately decide against it.
"I'm actually crying."
"I was just there in October! This is crazy," Cindy yells, trying to make this narrative about her.
"I'm actually crying."
"Soooo....what about Blowout opening night? According to the article, The Stick will be under renovation at that time," Lisa asks, as if it really matters.
"I'm actually crying."
"What in the actual fuck?" Jacob asks rhetorically I'm guessing as nobody replies.
"I'm actually crying."
"Alvins, also," Nicole again.
"I'm actually crying."
"Fucking horrible idea," comes from Kelsey, obviously not a golfer.
"I'm actually crying."
"Bust out your shiny shirt and get greased up !" Coleman exclaims, not sure if the statement is intended as being racist or not and since -jr has been blocked from the conference call, I guess I have no idea.
"I'm actually crying."
"I'm broken," Kelly sobs, taking it a little over the top.
"I'm actually crying."
"Boo," Max says, short to the point, realistic.
"I'm actually crying."
"I used to work for amir at a restaurant he owns in Ferndale, Guy is a Tottal ass hole. They will turn it into d-bag central," Matt says, taking a stand. I wonder if he worked at a sandwich shop.
"I'm actually crying."
"WTF," from Riley who might be a "maybe".
"I'm actually crying."
"You forgot Mr. muggs!" Natalie reminds us, and I have no idea who or what Mr. Muggs is, and also wonder if Mr. Muggs knows Guilty Simpson.

Guilty Simpson 
"I'm actually crying."
"State Control," John says. Silence.....Blocked.
"I'm actually crying."
"Gross," Becca says, and I don't know if she's commenting on the Magic Stick situation or....
"I'm actually crying."
"My band played the Magic Stick on Friday night and its probably been one of our favorite places to play/see live music in the Detroit area very disturbed this is happening..." Max says and I channel Patricia Arquette in True Romance "You are so cool."
"I'm actually crying."
"Oh no," Sophia yelps and at that the line cuts out and the conference call ends without anything really being accomplished.

 I roll to the other side of the lounge chair and log on to and see if anybody has uploaded next month's Playmate yet.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

size 12 update

Hip In Detroit's 3rd Anniversary will Make Your Head Explode!!!

3 years in business and not a pound has been shed. If anything, dem beer bellies have bloated to hot air balloon sizes. I can only hope that these windbag chuds float away. Unfortunately, their fupas have welded them to our fair city. Don't be fooled. This is not something to benefit the bands. This is not something to benefit the sponsors. Think about it, 20-50 people will probably show up in addition to the various band members. This is just another tepid ego stroke. They are the worst. 2 scugs that are actually worse looking than the Molly Soda contingent. Kill my eyes.


Tuesday, December 30, 2014

The Holiday Season and the Church of Satanic Twerps

Look at this bunch.  Don't they look like fun?  Aren't they having a good time?  Ugh spare me.
I have no dog in the fight or opinion (isn't that the same thing?) on the whole Satanic Nativity thing that made the rounds this month for like 15 minutes.  I guess it was shocking to some while causing indifference to others.  Hell, even one point there was a pic of that tool artifact "never-was" Texaco Vee  posing next to it because as we know from the past 3 decades The Meatmen are at the apex of the cutting edge when it comes to shockzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sorry, dozed off there.  Anyway, my point is, in the pic above the twerps...I mean "artists", oh god is that even a thing anymore, look like they're not having a really good time.  Perhaps they know that in 15 minutes they will be chased out by squatters.  Maybe the shipping for their wwe shopzone sheep masks was delayed because of the holidays.  God knows I've had that problem before.  I was dour for a week.  But maybe they are committing the biggest crime of all:taking themselves too seriously.  C'mon, have a little fun.  If the greatest gift is knowledge then allow me to present a photo essay on the art of having fun.  It is my Christmas, or Satanmas if you prefer, gift to you.

-Hey creepos, take a load off, show your support for Lavander Blog with a suitably colored Little Steven bandanna, drink a shitload of light beer, and twist it.

-  Rent not just a boat, but a FUCKING BOAT, stock it with hardbodies, drink coffee.

-Rent another boat, a BIGGER FUCKING BOAT. Though the extra $$$ for the boat may cost you in stocking it with hardbodies, so stock it with not-quite-hardbodies.  Compensate by wearing a speedo.  Drop that fucking anchor.  You can even have enough room for the snake display.

-Attend a local music event.  You will have an opportunity to rub elbows with local celebrities such as Ty Stone (Post Beetlejuice-Gypsy).

-Attend a show at The Loving Touch.  Oh wait, you probably already have that one checked off.  Now I understand the sour disposition.

- Start your own local TV show.  Has worked in the past....for a bit.

-Direct a music video for a local band.  Hey, actually we could use someone to direct our next video.  Our last director quit because of our constant condescending and antagonization.
-  You could always support Hellmouth while making somebody a sandwich...

-Or go Full Satan and just sacrifice a virgin.  I'm sure there are plenty in that initial pic to choose from.

Have a happy and safe New Years holiday and we'll see you in 2015.  Have fun don't be sad.

From your friends in the JCM
Metro, -jr, Wang Piven, Suck, Peter the Freshman, Elizabeth First, and The Indian from the Desert

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Sweee Crimmus

Have a wonderful and happy holiday and exceptional New Year and take as many selfies with pink wayfarers as humanly possibly and we'll see you in 2015!!! Luv, the JCM! From the Iceman Commeth, Bryan Metro

Monday, December 22, 2014

Celebrity Death Report: Joe Cocker

Sadness sweeps the nation today as singer/songwriter Joe Cocker has passed away. Most known for being a twitcher that didn't drink a beer with Jim Belushi, Cocker wrote such hits as "You can Leave Your Hat On" which is about gay hate rape, and "With A Little Help From My Friends" which is a cover of a Blue Oyster Cult tune. Sleep easy. Sleep with the feeshes. Fish on a sting. -jr

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

JCM goes to The Joe for WWE Monday Night Raw

Get out of work early. Go home and change into my badass sausage casing of an X-Pac t-shirt. Head over to Wang's. Baby is rolling on the floor. Watch Odd Hours in Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories.

Talked about the vapidity of the Gold House interview youtubes. Headed to The Joe. Got there in 15 minutes. Took 20 minutes to park. Bitch parking attendant told me not to worry about the lines. I didn't. Gotta pee real bad. I don't think I'm going to make it. Get inside fast. Metal detectors didn't catch the switchblade in my boot. Already a line for the piss troff fml. Vacate bladder. Get in a dead-stopped line for beer and hot dogs. Surrounded by chuds. Bounce into 3 different lines. End up next to Violent J from ICP sans clown getup. Give him an autograph and get my giant Molson and hot dog. Hot dog gone. Get in seats. See the opening, Y2J is unbearable. Security is checking tickets and seats. Stressing out. I get the desire to flee. Go get Beer #2, hot dog #2, and a pretzel. Miss the tag match between the team of Ziggler and Rowan against Big Show and Harper. Whatever. Come back. I've been here for an hour and haven't seen shit yet. Bitch match. Lasts 30 seconds. I have to piss again. Hit up the piss troff. A submental walks up next to me. I check out his dick to see if it's bigger than mine. He goes to piss and instead just starts tugging it in fibonacci sequence. Get the fuck out of there. Get third beer and third hot dog.

This is when everything changed. Get back to seats. Some fat fuck crab-crawls up the stairs next to me. As I see this, the deafening fireworks go off and my stomach lurches. I empty everything inside of me on the family in the rows beneath. I stand up as tall as possible and spread my arms to their full wingspan. I lean forward and just as I lose balance, I do a toe lift and begin to sail. I roll and tumble and flatline and everything is blur of toothless tattoos. Next thing I know I go through the barrier and security rushes me. They drag me back behind the titantron and beat the living shit out of me. I wake up in the dumpster covered in my own blood, spit, and piss. I call Metro and Wang. They find me and pick me up and dust me off. We drive over to Henry VIII's where the after party is. X-Pac is there guest-djing and he pats me on the back saying that the bump I took was the best he had ever seen. Then, he gave me a bump of cocaine. After 2 buckets of MGD's, I was spinning and decided to buy blowjobs for everyone. Today, I am all loosey goosey. And that is why I love the WWE.


Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Blowout- It has Begun

Metro here.  I know JCM is in hibernation period and it is nowhere close to Wrestlemania season yet, however The Metro Times has released the very first promo pic for next year's Blowout and it is predictably uninspired with no theme and a bust.

  From what I hear, Blowout this year will be run by pretty much the same fucks that ran it last year (with CJohnst running Ferndale, or at least the Loving Touch....while he still can).  And we all remember how well last year went.  Tangent....does anybody still read Metro Times?  Does anybody still read this blog?

Anywho, 2014's Blowout was outed as a failure, and I'd like to take some credit for that as my expose into the sham that it was....was one of the more well-received posts on this site.  Despite the organizer's efforts to suck the life out of a once memorable event I actually had a decent time tearing it apart.  Who could forget the JCM Kickstarter which allowed me to attend for free (and some extra beer money to support the venues).  And then the subsequent reviews of the abandoned venues and embarrassed bands.  And that one place that told Metro Times they didn't want to host Blowout because it was actually losing them money.  Memories.  I have included the links below in case you wanted to easily stroll down memory lane with me.  And I can't wait to apply for Blowout 18.  Hopefully they will see the error in their ways and not shut us out this year.  Preferably a set with The Handgrenades, Destroy This Place, Pussyshow, and PASSalaqlickua.

Pre-Show Revue

Day One

Day Two

Day Three

And we'll have fun fun fun till yo daddy takes your festival awayyyy

Bryan Metro

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Hockey Town

The "Original Three" of the JCM, Metro, -jr, and Wang, will be covering the Red Wings game live tonight.  Check back here to get the latest news from the rink.

We lost 4-3  :(

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Its Pat

Saw this guy on the internet today defending Lena Dunham from my Cheeseburger joke on Facebook.

Is it Blowout season yet?

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro


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