Out now on Checkers Records Collective, the new LP by JCM, "The Fall of Bryan Metro".

Listen To This Now!!!!

Monday, May 20, 2019

Metro's Preview for B.A.S.H. Fest (Part 1)

"I cannot reconcile that he only wanted to say 'Hi'."

Scott is babbling to no one and we are all sitting at the pool at the house by the beach and it is supposed to be 80 degrees in two days and everybody wanted a jump start on that. It is me, Trent, Amy, Scott, Matt, Oakley the black personal trainer, Kenny Kenny the event booker, Pinkie the six figure agent who currently has no clients, Jessie who actually is a girl, Dot who legally changed his name to a period during detox in Encino, Preston, who by the name, should be working for CNN but actually doesn't work, Terry who manages social media accounts for celebrities who don't have social media accounts, Alice who writes for Buzzfeed and who I slept with last week and won't stop hanging around and now I have to schedule a doc appt, another person named Jessie, this one male, who coaches MMA and bounces at a gay club in West Hollywood, Andy who is our dealer, Sean Young, the actress, who has been staying at the house the past week and nobody can figure out why, Colleen who probably has the best body at the pool but was recently diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, a major turn off.
I check my messages. Screening invite for the next BlumHouse horror film (pass), message from Wang about the NBA playoffs (Warriors in six, my reply), dinner invite from Jonah Hill (a possibility but only if he pays), and everybody is still shaken by the incident from last night and the knocking on the door.

Lon Chaney once said that the scariest thing he could think of was waking up after midnight and looking out the window and seeing a clown outside, just standing there. Something equally as scary, we discovered, is hearing knocking on the door late at night without expecting anyone. The knocking started around one in the morning and Trent and Scott were in the living room playing the newest Red Dead Redemption on the Xbox, and Matt, Amy, and I were in the master bedroom "sleeping". It startled all of us because we weren't expecting anyone and the house was security gated due to the incident with the Mexicans. We all agreed to immediately move to Trent's Darkroom where he develops photos and also serves as a panic room.

Once in the Darkroom the knocking started again and everyone jumps except for Amy who is already asleep again because of the Klonopin. Scott suggested that somebody go get Sean Young who was asleep in the guest room, but I assured him she was fast asleep with her valium and wine in the guest room. The first matter to be discussed was "who could it be?" and this lasted for around five minutes, and we concluded that it could be anybody from Lance the Hollywood sound guy, off work early from the next Ryan Gosling movie which involves a planet that becomes aware and folds in on itself killing 99% of the population and the survivors are a rag-tag group comprised of Julia Roberts, Matt Dillon, Matt Damon, Paul Rudd, Jason Robards, who plays the president filled with regret, Dwayne Johnson as the everyman, and of course, Gosling. George Clooney has a brief cameo as a scientist and only has one line, "I think we are doomed!". We chuckled when reading the script realizing that the 1% of people remaining after the disaster are played by the one percent (I included that part for those who didn't get the joke). Then again, the person at the door could be Oakley the black personal trainer, who has the security code but not a key, or Erik our other dealer, or Ally who had an affair with a senator but also sees Trent's dad who is out of town (Syria this week), and everybody knows that her real name is Rielle, or even Bruce who is Sean Young's agent.

The knocking starts up again and I flip out and volunteer to go out via the side door and like surveillance things. Trent curses his father for not installing security cameras and I don't bring up the reason why being Trent freebasing in an open space, and Matt is crying. Once outside, I crouch around the patio and notice a dead coyote near the pool that wasn't there earlier when we were tanning. It was me, Trent, Amy, Scott, Matt, Sean Young, Derek Jeter the former baseball player, Patty who hosts a morning gossip show, Dan who manages a gas station but has an amazing body, Bruce but not the Bruce who is Sean Young's agent, and Rachel who is just friends with everyone.
There is a warm mist above the pool because it senses the dead coyote and wants to feed and there is even a quiet humming and I contemplate dumping the carcass into the pool to placate it but don't want to get too close and I still have to check the door. Last week we had to fish out three squirrels, two possums, and one hawk. We assumed they were just depressed but knew that wasn't the case when we discovered after recovering them (the pool was dormant at the time) that they were drained of all their blood. The pool had caught them.

I creep around to the front of the house and scan the door. Nobody there. "Thank god", I mutter and head back to the side entrance kicking the coyote into the pool causing it to boil and skin the animal. The wind is picking up and I hear "Thank you", or maybe not. Once back in the Darkroom I assure everyone that nobody is out there. My line was, "They must have left I guess". We return to the living room for drinks and Trent puts on a laser disc of "Liquid Sky" and Scott contemplates calling one of our dealers but decides not to because it could have been one of them at the door. Nobody is into Liquid Sky tonight so Trent puts on the bootleg copy of last week's Macaulay Culkin show at the Viper Room when the knocking starts again.
   "Fuck this," Trent says and goes to the door. Once opening it we see a plain looking man, around 30. All he says is, "Hello, I just wanted to say Hi." He turns around and heads back up the drive, a ghost. Matt, crying again, asks if we should give him the security code.

"I cannot reconcile that he just wanted to say 'Hi'", Scott says again as we jump cut to the present and nobody reacts and the topic is forgotten. Finally Matt speaks, "Hey Metro, why don't you cover local Detroit stuff as much as you used to? I read through the Metro Times that Johnny R. sends from Michigan via an Indiana PO Box every week and there are a few things you could cover"
   "Just boring," my reply, bored.
He persists, "Look at this right here," shoving an article placed next to an ad for Gusoline Alley at me, "Bash Fest! A bunch of bands and a good cause."
   "What is a Bash Fest? Isn't a bash a fest or are we using different metrics today? I'm confused and honestly stressed out," I whine, still bored.
   "No no, Bash stands for Bands Against the Spread of Hate!"
   "Really? This could be a good, productive, and more importantly, a proactive, progressive, process (I pause to look to Trent for another word that begins with the letter P but he is asleep) ummmm thing. We definitely need to make a difference in race relations and society in general along with reducing pollution and dealing with those, ugh, other countries. Just this week I messaged DC Comics Studios (along with posting it on FaceBook for the likes) that I was disappointed with their casting of Robert Pattinson as the new Batman but not because he is a poor choice, I mean he basically auditioned for the role in Cronenberg's Cosmopolis, but rather because he is another white male taking up roles that could go to more diverse casts. Why can't we have a "BatTran" movie, or even a Nonbinary Bat Person flick? Jesus, Tunde can even play Kingpin. I also reached out to John and Exene from the band X to try to convince the band Fear to come to Detroit so I don't have to go to goddamn Ohio. My pitch was 'El Club's alright....if you're a homosexual'.

  "Whoa," Scott says, doing his best Keanu.
I reply, "I will do a preview of this show because it is something important to me and something that needs to be done. I only hope that no white people are involved because that just complicates the progress being made. How can we improve race relations if we don't exclude those that are the problem to begin with? Exclusion is the key even if they support, donate, perform, they are still the issue, the real problem about getting everybody on the same page. They should have no voice. I think it would be hilariously brilliant if the people behind what this fest is talking about, and actually want to help, exclude those that actually want to help but aren't aren't welcome. Coming up what just gave me a migraine. Yeah, this fest is on my radar. I'm on it."
   "Metro, you are on fire right now," Matt gushes, and I ignore him.
   "On fire doll," Sean Young says, talking in her sleep again.

That's it for Part 1 of my Bash Fest preview. You probably will want to keep your eyes open for Part 2 which is the actual preview mid week. Prolly not want to miss it.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Monday, May 13, 2019

Local Toxic Person of the Week + The Underrated List

Hey all Metro here. We at the Lavender Blog are introducing a new weekly feature: The Local Toxic Person of the Week! If you read the blog you most likely live around Detroit which means you are in close proximity to toxic individuals, especially in the music scene. I have featured many ghosts of them here in previous posts. There are tales of infidelity, money scams, venue bias. It is a cornucopia of bullshit. Of course, I understand this applies to all major cities, but my frame of reference is Detroit, and as the best local journalist in the city I feel you need to know who these toxic people are. Everybody knows that one booker who only books his band or his friend's band at their venue. Jesus there must be at least 510 of them out there. Everybody knows the person who changes bands because they were busted cheating. Everybody knows someone who tries to get local businesses closed because "they made me unhappy". And everybody knows that failed musician who is their own biggest press agent spewing lies upon lies and hyperbole about how great they are peppered in with even more lies and threats of human trafficking and murder and lawsuits that were proven not to be true. Oh wait, that last one may just be me. Nahhh I think a few others know that type of cat.  Sooooo, this week's Local Toxic Person of the Day is!  

Just kidding. This is the follow-up list to last week's popular "Overrated" list. This one is the "Underrated" list. This one was tougher to come up with and thus, most likely disappointing, but that's why you should help out in the comments section!

The Underrated List-

10. Richard Pryor- Yes, he was #1 on my overrated list, but after the people he influenced took off (and he couldn't keep up, to be honest) then he was pushed to the curb and became underrated.

9. Burt Reynolds- For a few years he was the biggest star on the planet so that's why he's not higher on the list, and he was kind of a jerk. But for the amount of money he drew, along with sneaky good performances like Boogie Nights, to be a footnote in 2019....yeah underrated.

8. Nick Nolte- Great actor. Always an aura of sadness around his performances. Not winning the Oscar for "Warrior" cemented him on this list.

7. Ty West- Not sure if anybody knows who this is. So he's underrated! The director of House of the Devil, The Innkeepers, and The Sacrifice is a master of the slow burn horror feature if you don't want cgi jump scares every 5 minutes.

6. X- I find the early 80's West Coast punk scene especially boring, but X stands out as the best of that crop. You can catch them in a bit at El Club if you're not boycotting or trying to shut it down. I've seen them 3 times and they have always delivered. John and Exene even signed my copy of "Less Than Zero" (which was also signed by Bret Ellis). Also responsible for one of my favorite lyrics, "This is the game that moves as you play".

5. Ray Liotta- Yeah a left field choice, but the dude is fantastic in everything he's been in (didn't see Dumbo Drop). The fact he was not nominated for an Oscar for Goodfellas is among the biggest crimes the Academy has ever committed.

4. Johnny Thunders- Lead guitar for the New York Dolls, junkie, and thief. Still his influence on other bands cannot be discounted, especially 80's metal. I know a few people in the music scene and I don't recall anybody saying, "I want to be the next Clash", but from a personal standpoint, when I picked up a guitar I said, "I don't want to be the Clash, too much work. I'm cool with Johnny".

3. The Zombies- Criminally underrated. Completely under the radar in the 60's because the Beatles and Stones were peaking, but I would put "She's Not There" up against any of the other classic tracks of that era. Plus used to brilliant effect in Kill Bill Vol.2. Actually they are number 1

2. Bryan Metro- How can the best local journalist in this city along with being nominated for 17 Detroit Music Awards only end up with one???! A total crime. Plus he calls out toxic local people and supports numerous animal rescue charities, along with never reducing himself to be a doorman once.

1. Sky Ferreira- Sky may not be the best singer or actress but she is a master of the Cult of Image which I covered  a few posts back. I had the pleasure of meeting her at El Club for New Years Eve 2017 and thankfully the protests had yet to start, though I doubt she would care about a couple of blobs with zero proof of any issues. We had a brief conversation regarding sleep habits and ended with a playful puppydog forehead bump. THIS IS MY LIST AND THIS IS NUMBER ONE DAMMIT!

Anyway, as I said above, this was not as well constructed as my "overrated" list but I hope you have fun with it, and let me know who I left off! Till next time.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Metro's Overrated Media Artists Medium Rare

*Update- This was a pleasant surprise in that it has created dialogue and debate and encouraging any and all opinions. Some of you have some very decent selections that I have overlooked, some have broke the rules and suggested politicians (admittedly an art in itself), and some are a little bit off. I have received a few messages from people who are having difficulty posting in the comments. I may just copy and paste it in the comments. So far the winner has been Donald Glover so he gets added to the Honorable Mentions which of course will prompt people to say "why do you have so many black people, including #1, on the list" which of course is not true as the majority are white. Its a fun topic, and has convinced me to do a follow up next week of most underrated.

Hey all, Metro here. The other day I was having dinner with a friend at a pretty decent steakhouse and I was having a steak medium, while she was having hers rare with extra au jus on the side. The sucking sounds would have normally been embarrassing in such a public setting but I had already been drinking for hours and didn't really care and I was more concerned/aware of her voraciousness regarding consuming the steak considering we had a train kid we picked up while pretending to see Captain Marvel at the Bel Air theater who was now in the trunk of the car, sedated, and ready to be bled later that night at Kenny's house.

The topic of conversation over dinner was about the very real concern of self censorship and how I felt that I had very real, important things to say, critique, poke fun at, joke about, but due to the escalated cloud of very real threats I have decided to just not say anything and how much it ate me up inside because why should I no longer have a voice as a writer, and why should my opinion no longer matter (or worse, would no longer be tolerated), and I was bored but wouldn't admit it. I decided to turn the topic of conversation over to who we thought was overrated in their respective field of art, excluding sports because Russell Westbrook would be an easy #1. The criteria was that they had to be universally, or near-universally, liked but jusssst a little overrated. Also, all recent local artists were excluded from the pool because it would have taken up the entire list, so sorry Jason, JSB, Sheefy, any permutation of Prussia/Jamaican Queens, and George Morris (kidding on the last one; nobody cares).

The conversation, and subsequent list, was sparked by a social media post that popped up on my social media during dinner that gave me a headache stating, or asking, if anybody was funnier than Tracy Morgan. My simple response was "yes", and after the few seconds of fear about possible violent retaliation because I had just made an opinion on social media that many would construe to be racist or misogynistic even though Tracy Morgan is a male, it made me think about the truly overrated out there. So I decided to come up with a list. Its not meant to agitate (its a crime that I have to say this in 2019), but just to start up a dialogue. So lets get started with my list of artists who I feel are overrated. If you agree, disagree, have some of your own, feel free to leave them in the open comment section below. Freedom of speech still exists in some places on the internet.

Honorable Mentions-
Tracy Morgan- Not a big enough name to make the main list, so I guess that makes him properly rated, but aside from a few SNL characters, I really don't find him funny. Being the cause for this list gets him a mention though.

Donald Glover- Not a long enough career to justify making the main list, but another example of somebody who can do no wrong and if you disagree your employers will be contacted by people offended that you disagree. My favorite aspect was around 50 reviews of the Star Wars "Solo" film that said it was meh, "but Donald Glover is great in it". It was like critics were afraid to completely critique the movie without offending Demographic Whine.

MC5- I didn't include them on the main list because they did have one classic album (so did the Sex Pistols {properly rated}, see my essay on image), and influenced a bunch of other bands such as The Stooges and Rage Against the Machine (both properly rated as well). However, their second album was overproduced by Springsteen's producer and had about one quality song, and nobody knows they even had a third record (which was decent). They treated women like shit (although who didn't in those days?), but I believe the art and the artist should be judged on different levels. I just wanted to point out something everybody throws under the rug. Oh and Wayne Kramer is such a tool. I left them off the main list because of Rob Tyner and Sonic Smith, who are actually underrated, so it balances out.

Steven Spielberg- I really wanted to include him on the main list but cannot justify putting the director of Jaws and Raiders of the Lost Ark there. He is more of an example of "The Decline". His output from Duel to Jurassic Park was an amazing stretch. After that it has been hit or miss with Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan, and Catch Me If You Can being standouts and A.I. being an ambitious, beautiful, failure. All directors hit "The Decline". John Carpenter, Tim Burton, Coppola, DePalma, even Hitch. The only two who dodged it are Martin Scorsese who's Wolf of Wall Street was the best film of 2013 and filled with the energy of a thirty year old filmmaker, and Stanley Kubrick who's final film Eyes Wide Shut was met with tepid reaction but is actually a masterpiece. I was going to include Kurosawa, but never mind. This is why I was initially nervous about the upcoming Tarantino film Once Upon A Time in Hollywood, then realized I shouldn't be because Tarantino is also aware of "The Decline" and is retiring after his next film.

The Main List (Course Cooked Rare)-
12. Foo Fighters- The go-to band for people who don't listen to rock naming their favorite rock band. Also, the go-to band for the award show producer who realizes "Shit, we need a rock band". Dave Grohl has cultivated a nice guy, everyman, public persona, but sometimes I think he's just being an actor. There's something phony about it all. One and a half good songs.

11. Modern SNL Comics- I find it such a turn off when people think they're funnier or smarter than their audience (unless its me). Fred Armisen, Maya Rudolph, Seth Myers, Bill Hader, I'm looking at you. They always seem to have that same smug look playing to the camera and to the eight people they are having drinks with that night. I will admit that "being funny" is next to impossible to pull off these days for the reasons I stated above, and most people have to cater to a certain demographic, Demographic Whine, or else they will be burned at the stake on social media and be looking for work. Completely toxic and very 2019.

10. Jordan Peele- Get Out was a good movie but overrated and benefitted from Oscar Guilt. I haven't seen Us yet but when the media marketing changed from "Us" to "Jordan Peele's US" then you are officially overrated (and full of yourself). It reminded me when The High Strung (decent but generic rock act) was being referred to as the band with the guy who wrote Bird Box. How does that matter in a music setting? I doubt it was their fault and probably more the media and cult of inferiority that always pops up in Detroit. Plus the new Twilight Zone sucks, but, once again, panders to the same demographic of the Cult of Whine. I did love Keanu though.

9. Terrence Malick- Can shoot a good film, but only has one classic film with Badlands (which came out in 1973). Is known for the time between film releases. He has been more prolific recently, but the work is met with crickets, even from the film nerds, once again, another example of "The Decline". Those same film geeks consider him a film god (fuck, which reminds me I forgot to include Clapton on the list). Still, I find him overrated.

8.5. Eric Clapton, Paul Simon, Sting/The Police-  There, all better.

8. David Foster Wallace- Some book geeks consider him a god, but they probably didn't know about him until he hung himself. Has some decent stuff. Has some unreadable stuff. Bonus points for using his literary fame to doff a bunch of girls but demerits for treating them like shit. I do subscribe to separating the art from the artist (yeah, even Polansky, though its tough), so just based on the art, I find it boring. And overrated.

7. Allison Janney- I will admit that I am not that familiar with her full body of work, but I do watch a lot of award shows. Half because of gambling and half because I enjoy entitled celebrities put their foot in their mouth appealing to that same demographic of Whine, wanting to be accepted but ironically come off as talking down to everyone (more on that in a bit). I have never seen her lose an award nomination. Oscar, Emmy, thank god she doesn't have a record deal. The Caroline Striho of Hollywood. Completely overrated.

6. Alfonso Cuaron- Good director with a very good film in Children of Men, but I had to put him above Malick because he has an Oscar (full disclosure- I stole that reason from my friend, but it was a point I didn't want to leave out). Not a prediction, but a spoiler, but I bet the general public can not name his latest film (which won Best Director haha) without hopping on IMDB. I'll save you the time. It was Roma. Bonus points if you can name the movie that won Best Picture. It was Green Book. Not a prediction, but a spoiler, I bet none of the Constant Readers have seen either.

5. Radiohead- One great album (OK Computer), one okay album (Kid A), and one classic single (Creep). That is one decent fucking career. Oh wait, they have other stuff? Well, there goes that. Very overrated. Bonus points for being completely devoid of a sense of humor and always up their own asses. Bonus points for boring me.

4. The Clash- Speaking of bands full of themselves, here we have the most overrated band of all time (anybody saying The Beatles.....just stop). The Clash are good for 1-3 good songs a record, but most of it is filler (which is hilarious because I think they had a double LP). Yet, some say they are the greatest, or most "important" (how insufferable), band of all time. Pump the brakes on that. Just the most overrated.

3. Meryl Steep- This one is too easy. She actually would be higher if she didn't alienate 41% of her fans (you know, those who aren't part of the target Demographic of Whine) by bringing up politics during awards shows. Actually, that may move her to properly rated. Once again I try to separate the artist from the art, and yes she had a great stretch of quality movies in the early/mid-80's, but to be nominated for everything is a little over the top, thus overrated. I did like her in Death Becomes Her and She Devil. By the way talking politics at award shows is a "thing" I can't believe still happens. It is the equivalent of searching for likes on social media. The people you are talking to already agree with you (unless somebody invited James Woods or Dennis Miller, or heaven forbid Randy Quaid), so what exactly are you accomplishing? Well, aside from alienating a chunk of the viewers. Silly.

2. Bryan Metro- Winner of a Detroit Music Award, along with some referring to as "the best local journalist in Michigan". Yet, really doesn't put much effort into anything. I'm not exactly sure if anybody has gotten more attention by doing so little. Completely, 100% overrated.

1. Richard Pryor- I know this one will shock some, but hear me out. Is he influential? Absolutely, with Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock (who are actually funnier in a stand up setting) as disciples. In regards to his film career, he was often cast as a white studio exec's idea of a black person; a vaudeville-esque bumbling goof. See Superman 3 and some of the Gene Wilder comedies. I wouldn't dare deny his talent and influence, but I will not waver that he is overrated.

So that's it, my list of overrated artists. I'm sure some will agree, and some won't, and I may even be unfriended by a few from the Demographic of Whine (how some are remaining, I have no clue). Still, I found it to be a fun topic to talk about which you can do freely, without moderation, in the comments section below. Who is it for you? Does anybody even care because it has nothing to do with the local scene or your band? Who knows? My ex had a psychological obsession, refusing to watch any movies with Juliette Lewis in it (even though, she is properly rated). She never actually gave a reason why, which both interested and concerned me. Does this post contradict placing myself at #2 because I actually put effort into it? Nah....still overrated. This will probably be the lone post of the week. Stay tuned for my prevue of "Bash Fest" next week. It will only be up for an hour because I don't feel like being killed.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Monday, April 29, 2019

Something Must Have Happened Over Manhattan-A Good Cause Post

Hey all, Metro here with a "Good Cause" post (which means it'll get next to zero hits). Well its half good cause post and half essay. It is tougher and tougher to find things to make fun of locally not because things are better, but because everybody is so boring, so I have turned to making current posts about causes that I and you should be interested in along with essays bordering on nostalgia. The title of this post is one of my favorite random lyrics because it seems so ominous. I like ominous. I like it because it is sometimes challenging to pull off effectively. The New York Dolls did just that (probably by accident) with the opening line from their 1972 song "Frankenstein".

Anyway, back to this being a good cause post. When I was outlining it (yes I handwrite outlines for half of these posts which should infuriate, or galvanize, those that can't stand the writing here), it came down to A) Note the cause, B) Justify said cause for predictable complaints, C) Pinch in some music history, and D) Tie it back to talking about me, because as a writer (and best local journalist in town) I subscribe to the method of writing for yourself and not the audience. If the audience likes it or it causes an opinion or reaction, then that is a bonus. So even though this is a "good cause" post, it really is about me, so lets get that out of the way right away so the eggheads can spare it in the comment section. By the way, that is mild satire about the human nature of wanting to make everything about themselves. I remember visiting the World Trade Center in 199? and not doing the tour due to my fear of heights so I sat in the lobby area taking pictures. I remember taking pictures of random people (not stalking as this was the Empire era) coming and going on the main level escalators. After 9/11, I saw a photo in Time magazine of people rushing down those same escalators, smoke swirling everywhere,  before the towers fell at the exact same angle as my pictures years before. There was the thin thread connection that I needed to insert myself into a story taking place nearly 500 miles away. Something must have happened over Manhattan.

Anyway, back to this being a good cause post. Founding member of the New York Dolls, Sylvain Sylvain has been battling cancer for the past year. I had no idea until a friend sent it to me yesterday morning (without comment or context, quite ominous in its own right). Lets get the important stuff out of the way. There is a GoFundMe set up to help with the medical costs. The goal is $80k and it is currently sitting at around half that. If Electric Six can raise $35k to go on vacation to Europe and scam the IRS, then I have full confidence the goal should be met and probably exceeded. But still I wanted to promote the cause because the Dolls have played a large role in my life as an artist and writer (don't laugh, I'll explain). Here is the link to the GoFundMe for those interested- Cancer is Trash!

Okay, that was "A". On to "B". Yes, there are thousands upon thousands dealing with cancer, with "dealing" being a generous term, and yes they all could use help and well, more help, so if you know anyone dealing with it (or any ailment), don't wait for a Kickstarter to be set up. Sometimes emotional support can go farther than dollars. There are many other worthy funds set up you can/should seek out, most set up by social workers. (For the record, 80% of social workers I have encountered are completely crazy and out of touch with society). I am focusing on this particular case because this is an entertainment, gossip, pop culture, exposing idiots, sometimes shit starting blog, and the person involved happens to be a primary part of a band I would consider my biggest influence. (On to "C").

The New York Dolls are probably my biggest influence as a fake musician and not-fake writer. When they started out they were blasted by critics that they really couldn't play (they kind of could, but that wasn't a priority). It was all about image, creating a story, making a brand. The songs were just garnish, and some of them were really great songs. But what drew me to them was the ideology of style/image/talk over substance. They didn't care about creating the "Great American Single". They wanted to provoke a reaction (I think you can see where I'm going with this). They were more well known for who they were rather than their music (see where I'm going with this?). They weren't about changing the musical landscape (although, ironically, they did), they were just looking for a kiss (and heroin). They never set out to be Rush or King Crimson, both technically amazing and good bands, but who I find boring. The Dolls influenced Kiss, another band slammed by critics for being all gimmick, yet had a decent amount of good songs that were conveniently ignored in the music press, with Rolling Stone being the biggest "hater" because they weren't Yes or Joni Mitchell, both great artists with an amazing catalogue, yet, once again, I find boring. They were so ahead of their time that it took years for Malcolm McLaren to catch on, and eventually ruin them by making them do the Communist gimmick. Johansen went on to have a semi-interesting solo and acting career, Thunders had a semi successful solo career along with the Heartbreakers and an all time classic album with "LAMF" and then date a date with the inevitable in New Orleans. Killer Kane cleaned up and was rewarded with death by leukemia. Jerry Nolan had a stroke and that was that. And Billy Murcia is probably still in a bathtub covered in ice. But Sylvain still kept on with a few solo albums that are no longer available, and after the recent Dolls reunion last decade, kept a steady touring schedule, and even released a book "There Are No Bones in Ice Cream". Lets close with "D".

If I were to be asked by a local journalist other than myself who is my main influence in the music realm, I would answer, the New York Dolls. Even though it was Guns N Roses (ironically the 80's scene was greatly influenced by the Dolls) that made me want to pick up a guitar only to find out that "this was tough; I can't play", it was Johnny Thunders and Sylvain's riffs on Personality Crisis, Trash, Human Being, and Vietnamese Baby that helped me get passed the fact that I'd never be Slash, but I could be serviceable (the irony being I played guitar only once with JCM, ironically our final show). The JCM regularly covered Chatterbox in our early years with -jr usually missing the correct chord, but it didn't matter. Three of my twelve tattoos are Dolls related (LAMF, Born To Lose, and the Thunders "Too fast to live, too young to die" cross, which ironically, now is starting to fade).

I understand this post is scattershot with nostalgia, stories, and a current, present situation. So lets tie it all together in a nice blue bow. Dude is sick. Dude influenced me. Dude is fighting. I met Syl twice, once hanging out downtown, and he was the coolest, sweetest guy. I also saw him at Smalls with Cheetah Chrome where MotorCityBlog errantly commissioned me to cover it and the piece turned into a half fiction phantasmagorical fever dream where my photographer (I was alone at the actual show) was cocooned into a web on the ceiling and ultimately the piece was published, most likely because they shelled out for the ticket. I also saw the Dolls, for the first time, in New York, at the Little Steven Garage Fest that one year on an island that started with an R. I remember the Dolls going on before the Strokes, and the Strokes getting booed by the local crowd after. The Stooges closed the night, and were good and fun but I felt I'd had enough and left early. In a fun aside, several local "entitled" bands at the time were pissed off that they were left off/not invited (the Paybacks did play and were traditionally boring), and I think I saw Danny Muggs wandering around, may have even said hello (this was years before JCM). And to come full circle (for the ?? time), a local institution The Dirtbombs titled one of their records "If You Don't Already Have A Look" based on the response they received because they weren't playing the Fest. You see where I am going with this? You'd have to be blind to not recognize that image really does matter. A persona really does matter. That is the legacy of the Dolls, and reinforces what I said 11 years ago on this blog that sometimes the music doesn't matter; just garnish. Lets get on point here, and once again here is the link to the Cancer GoFundMe- Maybe get a Look

That's it for now. This is basically raising awareness about a situation (that will not be deleted suspiciously by any Fish Eyes out there doing the same) (that was for the Constant Readers) along with a semi-essay that actually delves into music journalism. Jesus, I'm getting old.

Good call by Nolan covering Thunders' swastika.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Thursday, April 25, 2019

This Is The Stupidist Thing I've Seen This Year

Hey all, Metro here. Its a cloudy day at the house by the beach so I decided to hop online and check out the headlines. One of the first I saw made me regret my decision immediately. I found an article on Buzzfeed. Wait wait, yes I know, they are on their last legs much so like the Metro Times, and I initially thought it was satire about the state of our culture in 2019, and a chill washed over me when I realized that it wasn't. The article centered around a black man who was vindicated by....finding a band aid with his skin tone. He is 45 years old. I can't imagine the trauma of not being able to find a band aid so inclusive must have felt. I guess I will have to wait for the inevitable book to come out so that I too can feel the non-inclusive pain of GETTING A CUT ON YOUR FUCKING PINKIE FINGER. Jesus Christ, man (or whatever denomination you are, to be fair).

This is at the point of absurdity. The reason why Trump won the election is because the people who were for Hillary were conditioned (misinformed) by the media that she was a lock so there was no need to actually, y'know, vote. That's a fact Jack. (Full disclosure, I voted for neither). I just find it absurd that a semi-major site would consider this a major story when there are so many other, more worthy, stories to write about. Anyway, here is the article:
Got stung by a bee...

Yes, that is an actual article. Of course I always gravitate toward the "money angle" and lets not notice that the "Tru-Color" bandages are priced higher than regular bandages. So is everybody paying a premium based on the color of a band-aid that will be discarded in a day? So, do you want to pay more to make yourself feel better inside at the cost of making yourself feel better outside? Nobody had even considered this before the media-slut featured in the article hopped on social media and was subsequently prostituted by Buzzfeed as click-bait. Before today, I had never seen a single person calling about change in band aids. Housing? Yes. Treatment by police? You betcha. Unemployment? Mmmhmmm. But never once about GOD DAMN BAND AIDS! Here is a glorious comment from the article feed, and very very typical.

There is so much to debate, criticize, celebrate, enjoy, once more with feeling, enjoy than talking about band aids. I didn't research the dude in question, or if he even exists (a very real possibility in 2019) but I am impressed with the coverage he is getting because of this (don't bother with his Twitter, its what you would expect). A 45 year old media manufactured man-child finding salvation via a band aid. Completely manufactured, mildly obvious. So what's the next step? Does Tru-Color expand and have their product available in local pharmacies/markets (never mind they are at Target), or do they still need them to be ordered online from a demographic that is often seen as looking for secure housing? What if they get a deal with a CVS and I go to Aisle 11 for some bandages for an unfortunate incident involving the girl I met at Powertools yesterday and am inundated with the First Aid White, Black, Mexican, Muslim, and Canadian White, Black, Mexican, Muslim, etc. Not to mention the money I will have to spend talking to my therapist, Dr. Nova, explaining how I am damaged because I am very light skinned white and having to wear a beige to orange tinted bandaid in my youth while having to look over my shoulder walking home from school for cops thinking I was just another Mexican in Southwest Detroit. And if we start having specific products for specific demographics in their own sections at stores separate from others (already happened with black hair care and Asian spices separate from the other spices) is that really inclusiveness or is it the reappearance of segregation? Or maybe I'm just overreacting about an article about somebody overreacting about a band aid. #2019 #generationwuss #cultoflikability

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

Notes From the Beach and a Pop Culture List

"How can it be that and not Pulp Fiction?"

I have been asked this about three times already and it has been hovering around 72 degrees at the house by the beach and I am in an Ativan induced haze at the pool, of course, and everybody is arguing about pop culture, its direction in 2019, but mostly movies, the media, the weather, more media, social media, news outlets, what happened, and more importantly who were the three people who unfollowed me, more social media, but it doesn't really affect me that much because in addition to the Ativan I have been on a steady diet of unprescribed Darvocet that I got from Jaimie last week, and its April in California and I'm just hanging out with some of the regulars at the house by the beach. I'm in such a coma that I don't even know which house by the beach I'm at. Obviously not the one that burned down years ago, nor is it the one that Trent's dad is renting out to Bobby so he can host dinner parties for the Iranians who managed to get visas. I'm sure its not the one with the pool with a taste for blood because April, who I slept with last night, was in the pool earlier and was not vaporized by a sudden, toxic, surge in the water's temperature or consumed by a certain mischievous water filter. After blocking out the arguing about who had the more consistent career, Meg Ryan or Uma Thurman, which has been going on for the past five minutes, I realized that we were at the house by the beach with the killer kite.

Every now and then there is this kite that shows up and just hovers over the yard. There really is no time frame for when it appears but it usually is an omen, a signal, of bad times coming. It started casually enough with the birds and squirrels left on the deck. We designated Matt for cleanup duty and he always made note of the kite flying overhead. Sometimes he said if the sun was right the kite seemed to wink at him, but we never could verify that because Matt was always smoking cheap pot bought from Isiah in Encino. Last week Scott went outside to the storage unit to get some flashdrives that needed to be destroyed and saw the kite on Carl's face, smothering him, as he was asleep at the pool on a Klonopin binge. We managed to pry the kite from his face and get him to the hospital and he died two days later and we all questioned ourselves for sending him the balloons.

However, the kite has not been seen today and we are all out at the pool arguing about movies, the media, pop culture, and it all started when Lance and Scott were having dramatic meltdowns about Marvel's decision to have more "inclusive" and "body positive" heroes in their future movies which scared them as they both work in the film industry and their jobs could be in jeopardy. While they were debating this Trent quickly designed a fake (I think) photo of the next Superhero to further enrage them. Here is the pic.

They both realized that that character wouldn't fly (pun intended) with mainstream America and we spent the next twenty minutes cackling and high fiving trying to come up with a name for the character and we ultimately decided on "Super Sadie". The conversation soon turned to the ranking of all of Quentin Tarantino's films. In addition to me at the pool, there is Trent, Scott the sound guy and sometimes "key grip", Amy (who has been asleep), Matt, Oakley our African American personal trainer, Lance the Hollywood sneak, Ed who only eats potatoes and was once in the hospital because of it, Samantha a total tease that I can't stand, Clip who may or may not be dating Matt but does it matter, Duke a black queer who is still in the closet which makes zero sense in 2019 and is trying to start a hip hop career under the name "Precious Garbanzo" Keith who is an actor but only on tv, and Carlos, who is monitoring the perimeter and was hired solely to keep an eye out for the kite.

(For the newer readers lets slowly slide down and transition to the list)

The movie dialogue, specifically the need for the Tarantino list, started when Trent went on a semi-racist, though not completely wrong, tirade about how so many mediocre people are exempt from criticism today. He cited Danny Glover (although I think he meant Donald) and Jordan Peele. He also mentioned Tarantino which set off a firestorm of opinion (the concept of having an opinion is still allowed at the house by the beach), so we all decided to rank Tarantino's movies, but only after a brief debate where Matt pointed out that a lot of his characters were "white saviors" with Bruce Willis saving Marsellus from being anally raped in Pulp Fiction, Robert Forster's bailbondsman helping Pam Grier in Jackie Brown, and Dr. Schultz saving and ultimately freeing Django in Django Unchained. Those, all decent points, but I did point out that the black projectionist in Inglourious Basterds who set the theater on fire and ultimately killed the entire Nazi Party was a slight exception. After Scott was mocked and eventually sent to the perimeter for kite duty and Carlos promoted to the pool area, we all began our lists (except for Keith, who actually can't read). So, here is my list. I have to emphasize that the list is not meant to rank by what I feel are the best, but those that I enjoy the most. This list could, and probably will, change tomorrow. That's what is so fucking cool about opinions. Try having one and not being blocked. Its a blast. Its even better if you are blocked or unfollowed because it lends a kernel that you were right. This is the game that moves as you play.

Metro's Tarantino Movie Rankings
Honorable Mentions-

From Dusk Till Dawn- Yes, he didn't direct it, but he did write it. It is the perfect crime/horror hybrid. I do think it loses some steam after most of the colorful supporting characters are killed off, but I had a blast with it. I remember renting it the day it came out on VHS and watched it twice, the second time inviting friends over. And remember, psychos don't explode in sunlight. I don't care how fucking crazy they are.

Natural Born Killers- I know he doesn't care for this because of Oliver Stone's typical heavy-handed direction, yet this is still infinitely entertaining and re-watchable and quotable and one of Stone's better movies with a decent still relevant commentary on the media. And remember, after I'm done with this list you won't see my face for an hour.

True Romance- My favorite non-directed script. Vivid, memorable, dynamic characters and chemistry. A close to flawless movie thanks to Slater, Arquette, Oldman, Hopper, Walken, Gandolfini, Saul, Rapaport, Pitt,and Pinchot. What an amazing cast at the top of their game. It was perfectly paced with scenes almost seeming like vignettes but still told in a linear form. And remember, you may be an eggplant, but I'm a cantaloupe.

The List-
9. Jackie Brown- Yeah, I went the snob route and picked what many (other) snobs consider his "best" movie. Yes, it is a great movie with great performances from Pam Grier and Robert Forster, but its just, eh, a great movie. I like the banter between Sam Jackson and DeNiro and Bridget Fonda has never been hotter. And remember, a good cop will never let you know he knows you're full of shit.

8. Hateful Eight- See what I did there? I enjoyed it and loved the 70mm roadshow with the programs presentation. The best (or favorite) part was seeing Ennio Morricone getting his first composing Oscar after a life of iconic scores. I've cooled on it as it did seem bloated and not as rewatchable as some of his other movies, along with not being as quotable. Still I enjoyed it, especially during my favorite movie experience of 2015/16 watching the unedited version at Cinema Detroit which had suffered an unfortunate heat outage in winter yet still showed the film, the millennial version of The Tingler or Smell-o-Vision. And remember, I know what he is. He's a …...lets move on here.

7. Death Proof- Yes, I know, most will rank this at number 9 (Trent had it as his number 1), but the soundtrack makes it for me. Well that and Kurt Russell, Rosario Dawson, and the kinda dumpy but very much hot Italian girl, Butterfly. This is Tarantino's least favorite of his movies, but I think it completely captured the spirit of Grindhouse Cinema. Rodriguez's Planet Terror (which I also enjoyed) was balls to the wall from start to end but this was more traditional Grindhouse, that being a feature length film with crazy violence at times but fleshed out with a whole lot of nothin'. And remember, I'm good like that.

6. Kill Bill Vol. 1- This may come as a shocker as most prefer this volume, but I actually prefer Vol. 2. With no doubt, this is a great movie that cleverly blends genres including drama, anime, kung fu, and it delivers an iconic final act. That said, it didn't feel organic with me. Still it was different at the time and introduced a lot of the semi-lobotomized casual movie-goers to something they might want to pursue but probably won't. I think Vivica Fox was wasted but he did a good job at building Lucy Liu as the final boss, especially with her anime backstory. Plus Gogo. C'mon. And remember, Trix are for kids.

5. Reservoir Dogs- His first major feature and it sort of shows at times, but he absolutely nailed the cast (a common thread). Great film, decently paced, some stuff stolen from movies nobody will ever see which is cool, I guess, with a great soundtrack dj'ed by Steven Wright. Its tough to nail the concept of the "iconic scene" in your debut but I think he did with the Michael Madsen "ear" scene. Helped launch the careers of Steve Buscemi and Tim Roth along with reminding people Harvey Keitel was still around. And remember, Don't give me that. If she don't make enough money, she can quit. Too soon?

4. Kill Bill Vol. 2- This actually could be #1 depending on the day and how recently I have watched it. Career best performances from David Carradine and Michael Madsen and a great moody score, most of which is borrowed from Morricone. Is Vol. 1 was drama, anime, and kung fu, this chapter was part western, coming of age tale, and even horror with the buried alive sequence. I'm to this day, still miffed that Carradine was not nominated for an Oscar, and also curious what the movie would have been if Warren Beatty accepted the role of Bill (he declined, but recommended Carradine). And remember, Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race.

3. Pulp Fiction- The film that put him on the map. One of his most rewatchable films (a criteria I always consider in my lists). Minted and revitalized numerous actors and bred Travolta accepting every script sent his way leading to a slew of sappy 90's glop, which is partially why I didn't slate it as #1. Still, the iconic scenes are iconic; the OD, the rape, the accidental murder, whatever happened to Chewie Rocky Horror? This made him a famous face, and ultimately resulted in writers block for years. Yeah, good enough for #3. And remember, Buddy Holly isn't that good of a waiter.

2. Inglourious Basterds- This was the start of his revisionist history phase (which may be continued with this year's Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, my most anticipated movie of the year). As I said in my disclaimer earlier, I only emphasize "favorite" on my lists, but this is probably his best movie. He'll actually tell you when you watch the final scene. I'm a nut for WW2 stuff and this picture captured the era perfectly. Everybody expected a balls-out Expendables type Dirty Dozen movie starring Brad Pitt, and were surprised (some disappointed) that it centered around a theater and its owner, utilized five languages (thanks Waltz), was beautifully shot, and had a very clever out of nowhere Bowie song to signal that we are moving into fiction territory. I don't have any faults with this movie, and probably should be #1. And remember, that's a bingo!

1. Django Unchained- Number 1 and 2 could easily be switched based on the day of the week (or which I have watched recently). This actually reminded me of his From Dusk Till Dawn screenplay in that it was basically two separate movies with the first half a pseudo-buddy comedy against the backdrop of slavery of course, and the second half a dour peek into the dark side of people at that time. Both halves work and the audience gets a great catharsis at the end, and my lone gripe is the final scene when Jamie Foxx goes from playing the character of Django to basically playing Jamie Foxx. As I said, numbers 1 and 2 could have been a tie, but I went with Django today because it closes with the theme from the Terence Hill "Trinity" movies. And remember, I don't know what positive means.

So that's it. My Tarantino list that has been brewing for almost a year. I can do one for any actor, director, anybody. Want a Tom Cruise list? Scorsese or Hitchcock could be a challenge. Tom Hanks would be an interesting subject and a challenge. Kubrick would be a lot of fun. But the reality is that (not a prediction but a spoiler), you probably would have no interest in it. For those that do (and can read), thanks for reading!

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Thursday, April 18, 2019

Time For A Break

Hey all, Metro here. A few posts ago I made the point/request of somebody to give me something to write about, and really didn't get a lot of feedback, which is understandable because there really isn't anything going on in the local scene or pop culture that is worth talking about in April of 2019. I don't want to have to force posts about stuff I really don't care about (and even worse, the Constant Readers won't care about), or have to rely on local retards posting idiocy online that nobody cares about either.

So I have decided to take a well deserved vacation for the immediate future. Of course, if something comes up that has juice and I can roll with, then I may do a pop-up post, or a sports preview, but until then I'm out for a bit. Everything just seems boring at the moment so why try to spin it into something interesting? So, I'm taking a vacation, or as local acts call it, "a tour". That's one thing that has always bothered me. Whenever a local act goes on "tour" it is basically a glorified vacation with a few shows at local pubs peppered in. Sisters of Sunshine did it decent by actually going through Europe, as did Electric Six, although they needed 16 GoFundMe's to do so. But, the Whiskey Charmers going to the musical mecca of South Carolina or Caveman and Ass-Eyes doing a pop-up show for 4 people in Washington DC..... nahhh, that's a vacation.  Don't get me wrong, I did the same thing back in 2010 when I visited old haunts in New York and did spoken word events of my soon to be published debut novel, but make no mistake. It was a vacation. And that's what I'm doing right now. So if you happen to see me denied a withdrawal at the Bank of America in Sherman Oaks, CA, or find me waking up (at 11am) on the steps of a tattoo joint on St. Mark's Place in NYC, or in the "Red Room" in Montreal, don't hesitate to say hello. But, I'm bored, and I'm stepping out. Reading, writing, and away from most people.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

Bryan Metro is White

Hey all, Metro here. Its 2019 and I still believe in books. The thought may come across as naïve (it is), but there still is a little thrill actually possessing something in print, a physical copy. The cynical side of me believes that, aside from the yearly Young Adult fad that will ultimately be made into a movie that, ironically, nobody will see, the art of print is dead (it is). It started with the magazine section. The internet, along with the cost of production and declining sales, doomed the magazines. I remember in 2000 skipping a college Economics class to drink and check out the latest Maxim or FHM for doffs. I remember those magazines weighing almost as much as my Economics textbook. Today, your average issue of Rolling Stone is the size of a Kroger ad.

I knew the same thing would happen with books eventually, and to some degree it has. Every year there seems to be one or two wide-release novels that hop on the Blaine the Mono hype train and do well, very well, with a movie deal set in place before it even comes out. And then there are hundreds of those that nobody will see. Much of it has to do with the media, especially social media, but some of it has to do with apathy. I can imagine a writer thinking "why bother?" because the majority of the public doesn't care about print media anymore and is perfectly fine getting their news (and fiction) from the internet. I'm not exaggerating when I say it really broke my heart when I started seeing book stores closing left and right, supermarket book areas reduced not to an aisle, but a quarter of an aisle, and it reminded me of when the video stores started closing, and the CD stores started closing. The Internet can be a really fun place with instant news, instant leaked photos, instant everything. I mean its done good for me. I have a blog read by thousands of Constant Readers. I no longer have to wait a month for the next issue of "Celebrity Sleuth". I don't have to leave the JCMsTown Compound's bedroom to check on the score of the game. Pretty good deal. However, the Internet has also contributed to killing a lot of the fun, unique experiences that people have enjoyed, along with introducing me to a whole bunch of toxic individuals that I wish I never knew about.

Maybe I'm leaning very heavy on age and nostalgia here, but an entire generation will never know the fun, anticipation, and bonding with strangers while standing outside, in the rain, at a Harmony House waiting to get tickets to a Black Sabbath show, and this was when Ozzy wasn't even with them. Why go to a movie theater when you can just download it, sometimes a week before the release? (Although the quality of movies these days doesn't help, but that's an essay for another day). I remember counting the days until one of my favorite author's latest book came out and using my lunch break to go to a book store and get it. These days its all about instant gratification. The brokers have your tickets already, wrapped in a nice blue bow. Just click. The torrent sites have the movie you want right now. Just click. Don't have the time to grab the latest hit novel in print form and prefer to read it on your phone? Just click. You missed that one movie you wanted to see in the theater and don't want to wait until it comes to the video store or Netflix? Just click. Its the equivalent of a 10 second hand job. Sure its a blast, but what about the romance of hanging out with a girl (or guy, or tran, Its 2019), starting out with a kiss, then next date more kisses, third date another kiss, next date doffed top, fifth date now the handjob. Sure, a crude analogy, but the point being that sometimes the build is important and enhances the experience.

Of course I'm coming off a little old, a tad bitter, and minorly depressed, but some of my best memories are pre-internet, well pre-Fappening I should say. That is why I was so excited when the mail came today and I got my final Christmas gift from a good friend, the new Bret Easton Ellis novel "White", his first nonfiction, an actual book, with pages, and a First Edition. If I ever set up that webcam so everybody can watch me have daily morning panic attacks, you would see the bedroom office covered in books. I love them. I am very excited to dive into this one and forget about the internet, and the idiots that it breeds, even if it just for a day or two. For a split second I had that jolt of way back when, at the Harmony House, at the Borders, at the Blockbuster, that jolt of giddiness of something new, something I could touch. (The irony is the book was delivered by Amazon). I know this comes across as a holier than thou post that you would see from somebody who has just quit drinking and is judgemental without being judgemental, but for a very brief minute I forgot about all of the bullshit I see everywhere and was just excited for an escape, which is what art is supposed to provide. So that's about it for this week's post. I'm about to go read a book. And have fun doing it. Try it (you know who you are). Thanks for reading this internet blog Constant Readers.

Reading a book would be so much helpful for all off our psyches rather than logging on to the internet and seeing the same old crap like this every day. Completely, and utterly depressing how a city and a bunch of nobodies can cannibalize themselves so much without offering any source or opinion on improvement.

Hmmmmm, shit on their own community for clout. ….K Den.  Can't wait to have a civil dialogue about this paragon of hypocrisy the next time I don't attend a show at St. Andrews.
This is what I wake up to every day and just want to go back to sleep. I see Duncan's and Ashlee's every single day. "Can somebody, can somebody, can somebody?" yet if they are so passionate about it why don't they take it upon themselves to do something? Nah, "can somebody, can somebody, somebody else". Pathetic, lazy, and completely Generation Wuss. Can Eleanor provide any solutions aside from SCREAMING (on the internet), "DO NOT LISTEN TO SOMEBODY'S OPINION!"? I'm sure many of you go through this every single day, along with regretting logging on. Such is life in 2019. Deal with it, rock and roll.

Becauuuuuuussssssseeeeeeee its public domain, public domain, public domain, stop whining, public domain, freedom of speech, public domain. There, I saved ya a google search regarding public posts, public domain, public ….

Yeah....a very public cry to be "stopped". From what, voicing my opinion? "He has been fixating on my whereabouts". Ummmm no. You're a nobody. I don't care about anybody's whereabouts because its irrelevant. I am just here to point out the idiocy in the local scene, but you did a very stellar job doing my job for me. All you have to know about this half-wit is my last screencap.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Friday, April 12, 2019

State of the Blog Address

Hey all, Metro here. I find it very sad that every now and then, I have to re-post the policy of this blog. Alright, lets get to it:

If you find anything posted here offensive, or containing mistakes, please contact me at bryanmetro1@hotmail.com and I will remove it, and offer a public or private apology.

I first posted this policy in early 2017. Once again, 2017. I reposted it in February of 2019. There actually have been quite a few who have contacted me to remove content on the site and I have obliged (and apologized) every time.

This blog of mine has many functions. Some days I want to talk sports. Some days, its a movie list. Many days, making fun of your/local bands. Other days, focusing on the local community, its establishments, and the internet nutsos, which no other local site actually covers. Yes, sometimes I use screenshots of public, I stress public, social media posts to spark needed dialogue because you won't find it on Facebook because everybody gets blocked immediately. This blog offers an opportunity for all voices to be heard. I firmly believe in Freedom of Speech along with everybody's god given right to post it online. If I happen to disagree, then I have that equal right to make my points on this blog, which I may add, you have to actually click on to read. If you read the blog and are hurt, confused, or regret what you said online, I can understand. And, of course, if you are offended by anything I say, I will remove it upon request. Don't get me wrong, I often get hurt, or even worse, threatened for my opinions, and I accept that as part of being the best local journalist in town. Here is an example:

Fyi- Logan and Audre are the same person, who also has/had multiple accounts, and I'm the bad guy. Nahhhh, I'm the guy with the death threat/public assault screenshots.

What the majority of people don't realize is that public social media is just that, public. Once some goof posts some ill advised rant looking for likes it becomes public domain. I've had posts of mine from this blog shared which led to death threats, but I understand the name of the game. My public social media is pictures of cats and what was on this morning's Patty Winters Show. If the very much public posts I see I find amusing/absurd enough, I may include it in a future post, which is completely legal (I checked). Once again, I am all for freedom of speech no matter how idiotic it is, but if it is exceptionally idiotic, I may riff on it. It really is that simple.

I highly encourage you to read the following interview with my favorite writer Bret Easton Ellis where he discusses similar themes.  Here is the link:   People vs. Bryan Metro
If you're too lazy, dejected, or heaven forbid, can't read....well, then why are you here clicking on my site?   Oh, I updated the Raconteurs post as the price gouging has begun!!!!!!

From the Iceman Commeth
Bryan Metro

Thursday, April 11, 2019

Metro's NBA Playoff Preview

Hey all, Metro here. Its the changing of the season in the sports world. March Madness is in the books. WrestleMania is over (I never thought it would end). The NHL and NBA regular seasons wrapped up this week. I actually attended the last Wings home game of the season despite being in extreme pain. It was fan appreciation night and I got a really cool Red Wings tote bag. They lost 7-1. Dammit. And baseball season is in full swing!

I was planning on doing a duel NHL/NBA playoff prevue, but since the NHL rearranges the brackets after every round, that would be too much hassle. Also, considering most of my Constant Readers are black, I figured a fleshed out NBA playoff preview would be better. Ah fuck, I apologize for the inconsideration directed towards the black Constant Readers. The NHL stands for National Hockey League, for the sport of hockey. I'm sorry if there was any confusion. Okie dokie, lets get started!

Eastern Conference-
Round One-
Milwaukee vs. Detroit- Detroit earned their first playoff berth in years on the last day of the season and they are matched up with the best team in the East with a probable MVP in the Greek Freak. Most are predicting a Bucks sweep, but I think the Pistons take one game, probably Game 3, the first playoff game at the new arena for any team. Not a prediction, but a spoiler. The arena will be 75% full.
Winner- Milwaukee

Boston vs. Indiana- If any of the East first round series goes seven games, its this one. Both teams are evenly matched depth-wise, although Boston has more pure talent, but Indy is missing their best player, Boston has one of the best coaches, and Boston has home court. I'm going with...
Winner- Boston

Philly vs. Brooklyn- I'm used to seeing Brooklyn sucking, so its surprising to see them as a six seed. Then again, its the East, and I think the second best starting five in the league are just going to roll them.
Winner- Philly

Toronto vs. Orlando- The least "sexy" match-up of the first round. Toronto has a great fan base, but nobody cares about them in the U S of A. Orlando....nobody cares. Give me the better team.
Winner- Toronto

Round Two-
Milwaukee vs. Boston- If this was the Boston team from last year, I would lean towards an upset here. I do think this series will be close, but I feel the Bucks squeak out in 6 games (with the Boston crowd booing).
Winner- Milwaukee

Philly vs. Toronto- This is another tough one to call. Toronto usually stumbles in this round, and they are playing a team with a lot of young talent. I may be the only person who thinks that Philly is actually overrated and going with Toronto.
Winner- Toronto

Eastern Finals-
Milwaukee vs. Toronto- This is where Toronto hits the wall. Bucks in 5.
Winner- Milwaukee

Western Conference-
Round One-
Golden State vs. LA Clippers- I have no idea who is playing on LA. They have a good coach in Doc Rivers, but they're getting swept here.
Winner- Golden State

Houston vs. Utah- Houston has MVP candidate/Foul Magnet James Harden and premiere point guard/Injury Magnet Chris Paul. Utah has a sneaky good team with great defense. I can see this going 6 or 7 games.
Winner- Houston

Portland vs. Oklahoma City- I think this series comes down to if Russell Westbrook stays on his meds. Both teams had good years so this could go either way. This would be my seven game pick in the West. I think Paul George is the deciding factor so...
Winner- OKC

Denver vs. San Antonio- Everybody is picking this for their upset special, with Denver being the most vulnerable higher seed, but I'm not taking the bait. Pop is one of the greatest coaches of all time, but I think Denver is too balanced. This series will be a grind and a treat for lovers of defense.
Winner- Denver

Round Two-
Golden State vs. Houston- Here it is! My playoff upset special. I think Houston wins this. No analysis, just a gut feeling. Of course, there is the caveat regarding injuries, Chris Paul I'm looking at you. Plus with the Lakers trading LeBron next year, they can have a dynasty. I was just kidding there. Just a prediction, not a spoiler.
Winner- Houston

OKC vs. Denver- Offense vs. Defense. Defense usually wins out. Ehhhh, not this time.
Winner- OKC

Western Finals-
Houston vs. OKC- Great! Two teams comprised of some of my least liked, overrated players. Unless Paul George turns into Jordan, this won't be close. Houston in 5.

The NBA Finals!-
Milwaukee vs. Houston- After years of playoff disappointment, Alex Ovechkin finally won the big one, cementing himself as one of the all time greats in hockey (that's the game played on ice Constant Readers). I think this is the year for Chris Paul. I wouldn't be surprised if Milwaukee won in 5, but I think Houston takes it in 6. Giannis wins the regular season MVP, and Harden wins Finals MVP. Vince McMahon on line 1.

That's it for my NBA Playoff Preview. I did have a few variations of my picks, and there are big money contests for picking the correct winners, so if you are still on the fence, feel free to comment, message, or e-mail me, and we can sort it out. But, even though I have love for everybody who reads, don't ask me for shit unless you are black. Yeah, I said it. However this doesn't apply to the Constant Readers who are actually my friends. Scratch that, close friends. I am not in a position to offer much, but I can offer my knowledge and insight into basketball with my readers. Why? Because you can't rely on anybody else for these picks. Imagine calling yourself a basketball insider while knowingly giving your coins to racist business owners in a mostly black city. I almost used a "?" there, but thankfully realized that it wasn't a question. Also, acknowledge the part all of you play in gentrification? I included the "?" there for funny, fun, fun laughs. All of you hanger-ons can do the entire world, and especially the environment, a good deed by being more aware of all the pollution we are just pumping into the air (and internet), along with advocating one community, with no restrictions for any race, sex, gender, race, age, race, tax bracket, whether you prefer cats or dogs, sickness, health, and race. This is in our hands and if we need to better the world with zero hate or bigotry, that time is NOW. We need to stop relying on other countries and start relying on ourselves. We need to stop being fickle about the latest casual invasion from that one country on that other one and focus more on the invasions of the underdeveloped neighborhoods right around you! We need to let them sit and rot because we need to show the blight in this city and how nobody will step up to try to correct it, and if anybody does then people will complain, quit their jobs, and we go back to looking for handouts. I know living in Detroit looks good on your edgy resume, but if setting up a GoFundMe because you quit your own job, or some crusty band plays at a venue you work at is more important to you than black people, then...this might not be the city for you. Oh wait, I forgot the "Lol". One more time, "Lol". Okay, once more with feeling, "Lol". You can be absolutely racist in power in Wayne County (If I said "peace" it could be considered offensive, and maybe even a threat).

Whew, sorry for the rant, and I understand some of the Constant Readers may be confused. Here are a few public screencaps, posted publicly to provide perspective. Yes, these are real people, and once again, per my 2019 resolution, I am being very kind here.

So remember, instead of voicing your opinion, "just shut the fuck up" is the message I'm getting from these paragons (Google it Jabba) of virtue. Fair enough. And with that, I say, "Nope".

Enjoy the Playoffs!!
From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

The Raconteurs and the Lost Art of Selling a Ticket

*Updated at the end with the madness beginning.

Hey all Metro here. I (1)...just kidding. I really have been struggling to come up with content for the site. This is the Bone Season I guess. I guess I could do a WrestleMania review just only 10% of the Constant Readers would care. So I guess (3 I guesses) I'll just give a heads up of a must see show coming to town in the coming months. The reunion that about seven people were clamoring for, The Raconteurs. I have included the flyer up there ^

Okay, first off, what the hell is that on the far right? Is that Brendan Benson? Talk about aging badly (like his solo stuff). Dude looks like John Fogerty with a tapeworm (could've been much meaner there). I'm sorry, but I really don't have anything to write about. Tickets for this sure to be sold out (cough) show go on sale Friday April 12th, but there are a few pre-sales going on and the secondary market is already heating up with people paying way over face value to ensure they have a seat at this must see show that will ultimately be forgettable. Right now face value is at $45 to $80 not including fees. Fees are okay, but cell phones, once again are not, so you're looking at around 60-100 bucks at face value. Right now, the $45 seats are going for $70-80 with some balcony seats going from $100 to $250.

Whoa whoa whoa, don't give up just yet. The secondary market is like the stock market, where brokers sell high early and then the prices fall. I had two tickets ($39.50 ea. plus fees) to the Jack White solo show last year. Paid about $100 total from the official pre-sale. That week they were going for $117 on the secondary market. A month later I saw it dip to $55. I told my assistant to sell them. So it turned into a $10 profit. The week of the show, they were at $9. That's a $40 loss, especially for brokers who bought up entire rows. Now the Masonic is obviously smaller than Little Pizza Arena so it could wind up being different, and the prices will probably stay high but plateau, especially since nobody cares about the Raconteurs since 2008, so I'd stay away from the secondary market for at least a cuppa weeks.

If you absolutely need tickets this week I would look into the pre-sale, where they usually only release the high end tickets. The cheaper seats are usually scooped up by the brokers. I reached out to my ticket contact at Tapped Out Wrestling Podcasts to get the pre-sale codes and was messaged back "Eat Shit" and "I'll See You In Hell", so from what I could interpret from that is the pre-sale codes for this show are "Eat Shit" and "I'll See You In Hell". There is also an American Express pre-sale but since I loaned my card out to Deastro and he blocked me, that's a dead end for me. Good luck if you really want to go.

Now I know this post may come across as mildly crabby and/or negative, and that my time would be better spent going to Nashville and trying to starfuck somebody/anybody at Third Man Records (for what gain? I have no clue), and only end up talking to a few record pressers, not buying any records, and a cashier or two, but instead I'm just trying to get the word out about a possibly fun show that, not a prediction, but a spoiler, could turn out to be pretty boring.

Keep in mind you could save that $80 (including fees) and miss this snoozefest and take 70 of it (including fees) to attend the 1st Ever Ferndale Spring Fever and see multiple has-beens over three days instead of 1 has-been in one evening. By the way, I guess I'll be doing a standard preview of Spring Fever in a week or so (I honestly forgot when it was), or you could maximize your money and visit some new local venues like the 510 in the Hazel Park area who is now open and hosts unique local shows along with giving local artists a place to show their work. Think MOCAD, but without the politics. But if you are on a budget, as many of us are, and would prefer to attend the Raconteurs show remember, Eat Shit and I'll See You In Hell.

*Update- It has already started. Look at this screencap from the (public) event page.

Okay, and here is the official Masonic website.

Okay, I'm assuming this person spent above face value for those tickets via resale (which still does provide a receipt). The obvious question is "Why?". Okay, the next obvious question is $149 X 4 is $600. So you've already spent $600 and then went and got General Admission "lower bowl" tickets. If anybody has been to the lower bowl at the Masonic I have $149 for you. I'm assuming they meant main floor, but still. I looked at the resale market and that means this person spent nearly $1000 for 8 tickets for the Raconteurs, and needs to unload 4 of them. Not a prediction, but a spoiler, that isn't going to happen. Something doesn't seem right there. Eh, logic, fuck it, who cares anyway?

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Friday, April 5, 2019

JCM Remembers

Hey all, Metro (1) here. Now one thing I (2) absolutely hate is coming in second place. I (3) consider myself (4) to be primarily a satirical writer, with the occasional sports picks, but am often misinterpreted as a cynical, miserable, racist, misogynistic, hack. All of which are not true (okay, maybe a hack at times). Hell, I (5) had to google search how to spell "misogynistic". But the fact is, I (6) can be quite narcissistic, which is why I (7) am writing this post. You may be wondering, "Why the numbers? That's not my (8) writing style". This goes back to my (9) original statement of coming in second place. There is no way I (10) would allow myself (11) to come in second place for the Most Self-Centered Blog Post of the Week. I (12) will quit with the numbers now because it has to be a chore to read, but will have a final tally at the end of the post.
*The director switches from black & white to color*

I really debated whether or not to even post this write up because I really have spent the last few months trying to be more positive, and this kind of nitpicky post dips its toes back into the "Evil, mean, Metro" pond. But it really kind of annoyed me.

I try to keep up to date with whatever resembles local journalism these days, and an article landed on my desk the other day that rubbed me the wrong way, despite possibly having the best intentions. My initial reaction was nausea, but that could have been because of too much red pepper on the evening tacos. The post was regarding the benefit for a local musician going through health issues. I think.... I honestly don't know what it was about. Here, take a minute to read it.

Now that thing was all over the place. Personal introspection, nostalgia, non-coverage of a local show, a diabetes-inducing coda. Was this a LiveJournal post? I wasn't able to attend the actual event because of the pending death threats and threats/offers of physical harm, along with my family being contacted and harassed, but I did find other ways to contribute by promoting the event weeks in advance so people could plan for it (FYI, Hip In Detroit linked it the day before; good people there). I also included the GoFundMe link for those, like me, who couldn't attend in person. Hey, you can still donate! And here's the link!  Do something good!

I understand the importance of nostalgia peppered throughout the post above, along with the positivity message of the final paragraph, and being a family. I can respect that. Buuuuuuut, the overall flow of the post rang hollow to me. I counted 41 variations of "I, me, or my" in that post, and one single sentence devoted to the actual event and the musician who is recovering.  There was zero plug for the benefit on that blog beforehand. Zero link to the GoFundMe in the actual post for those who couldn't attend. Zero actual coverage of the show itself for those who couldn't attend. If "we" are a "family" then this was written by the uncle who shows up at weddings and starts every conversation with "I remember....". I could go on, but allow me to break out the vintage Bryan Metro persona and deconstruct some of those "I remembers".

-Who says "dancing youths"? No really, who?
-John Sinclair performing at an elementary school is actually fitting if you are familiar with...okay next...
-"I remember the first Caveman Woodman performance, on the streets, with a portable amp." Ironically, the same description of the most recent Caveman Woodman performance in March of 2019. I could make a zinger of an evolution joke right now.
-Marco Polio staging a parade in the middle of the night was every show they did. Was yarn involved? Yes, to the new readers, it is as insufferable as it sounds.
-Whatever happened to Champions of Breakfast?
-Whatever happened to Silverghost? (Don't answer that).
-Whatever happened to Prussia?
-Whatever happened to Deastro?
-Did Margaret Dollrod ever actually doff it at a show?
-"I remember every single Carjack set." So do I. I've seen him once. Ha, I couldn't resist that rib. But Brian is a good dude who takes care of his friends (and the set I saw was fun).

Well, ya know what? I remember too. Not as much as I should, but still remember, and two can play this game.
-I remember being interviewed by the Metro Times in a bikini bar where the bass player Chester Ming didn't speak a word.
-I remember our guitarist throwing a drink at an irate fan during a show (who has since become a friend).
-I remember going to the wrong venue for one of our shows. The actual venue was 30 minutes away.
-I remember our guitarist throwing a drink at somebody in Royal Oak at a show where we first encountered Tunde when he was in Steroluxx.
-I remember falling asleep in the mop/broom closet at the New Way.
-I remember DJ'ing at People's Art Fest.
-I remember getting kicked off People's Art Fest.
-I remember being reported to the police, FBI, customs (?), and Homeland Security, but I don't remember why.
-I remember our guitarist crushing some derelict with his/my guitar who decided to jump on stage and take my mic. The swing would make Bryce Harper blush.
-I remember our bass player disappearing from performing live for about four years.
-I remember getting kicked off Hamtramck Music Fest.
-I remember our tambourine player E First reenacting the Sharon Tate/Manson murders on a sidewalk on Allen Rd.
-I remember when local music blogs actually tried.
-I remember when local bands played something Fun.
-I remember being interviewed at The Emory regarding the book I am still working on.
-I remember every hateful, nasty, anonymous comment.
-I remember every one of my borderline obscene, yet well-worded, responses.
-I remember when people weren't so thin-skinned and easily offended. But not really.
-I remember the multiple beatdown threats and invites.
-I remember the death threats. Oh, you bet I do. I have them all saved wrapped in a little blue bow.

Wow, that was fun! I could go on and on, but I think I've made my point. If the writer of the piece I posted above is the local, sunny, Spielberg, then I fully admit to being the cold, empty Kubrick (though to clarify, none of Kubrick's movies were empty). Yes, there are a few flashes of sun, hope, and community, but ultimately everything gets worse, especially with age. I try to post flyers/links to help people out and to help that sun, but are we really a family, or is that just a naïve interpretation? I apologize for being so cynical, but most acts are already moving on to their next shows, the cause they were playing for forgotten.
-I remember, that's how it has always been.

Actually I stand corrected. Carjack actually thanked everybody who came out for the benefit, something you never see around here once a show is over. So kudos there. Now I can say-
-I remember when acts actually thanked everyone who came out for a show, especially if it was for a good cause.
Regarding the post that rubbed me the wrong way, yes, I get the literary shift from "I" to "We" in the last paragraph. Yes, I understand the entire build to the post was that transition. Or maybe I'm doing it a favor and looking into it too much, when nobody/anybody else is reading. Not a prediction, but a spoiler- I don't think it was intended.

So here is My last paragraph. Donate to the GoFundMe, go to the breast cancer show this Sunday, April 7th in Ferndale at the Elks club that I have posted here. Have fun with friends (but not quite family), and get away from the darkness for a while. Watch the Final Four/Wrestlemania at a bar with friends and strangers (but not quite family). Enjoy every day, but just remember, the shadow always falls.

Oh and final tally of the "I, me my's"-  XX-41, Metro-93.  I (88) knew it would be a blowout.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro (89)

Doubled it bitchez! And no, I (90) did not intend it that way, but sometimes, that's how it shakes out.

Finally, cracking up at this. Is it April 13th or May 13th??? Is it 1pm to 6pm or 7pm to 10pm? This is completely embarrassing. Charging for a bar hop with drink specials at every bar lololol! What does the ten dollars actually get you aside from admission into bars? Who fucking cares?...… Wow, god, sometimes this city kind of really sucks. Really...really sucks. I (91) will personally pay for anybody's admission if they admit they would pay $10 for a bar hop in Ferndale. I (92) would need your full name. Use the comments or bryanmetro1@hotmail.com (93)