From the National Affairs Desk-
*Let's get this out of the way real quick. If anything that follows is offensive or you feel should be taken down please e-mail bryanmetro1@hotmail and I will remove it and offer an apology. It's that simple.
Hey all Metro here. Yes, I am still working on my legitimate journalism "A Year in the Life of Covid" project when I travel the entire country experiencing how people are adjusting, readjusting to the peaks and valleys of a pandemic. As always, I work at my own pace, some days three pages, some days two sentences. I will post it when I feel it cuts the mustard, or is finished, whichever comes first ho ho ho.
However, someone sent me a fun distraction, one of those cheesy internet games where they try to steal your passwords etc. This one is the "Horror Movie Challenge". 30 days, 30 horror questions designed to delve into your personal psyche. If anything's worth doing it's worth doing right.
I was going to try this as a post a day for 30 days, but I would have gotten bored or forget by Day 4. Plus, it would intrude on my pandemic project. So, I'll just blast out all 30 days now. Feel free to leave your own personal memories, bank information, passwords, subpoenas, etc. Also, unrelated, I have had a few people message me saying they are having trouble accessing this site on some devices. The tech team is on "leave" so I can't really help you there. Ah shit, then you wouldn't even be seeing this to begin with... For those who ignore the bogus virus alerts I can definitely assure you that we at Lavender are not hacking you, just matching the moles. This would explain the decrease in readership lately, although we have had a spike due to my "Inferiority Complex Bingo Card" social media debacle where I made the mistake of once again talking to people without a sense of humor or satire. Here is the original from some nobody along with my revision:
It got out of hand quick and I had flashbacks to a few years ago so I stopped engaging immediately (aside from dragging it into this post). Anyway, nobody cares about that. People these days love being miserable and scared so lets get into....Bryan Metro's 30 Days Of Fucking Horror. As always, these are my opinions, so when the question is "The Best", I don't really mean the Best, just my Best. As always these can change based on the mood I'm in when I wake up, the positive conversations I have throughout the day, the concerns brought up to me, the way the Sports Desk is going, and of course money. So basically, I'm qualified to work for the CDC! Let's go!
Day 1- First Horror Movie You Saw: The Shining. Age 8 (?). Pops made me leave during the bathroom scene, but the ax killing of the Nice cook was okay....
Day 2- Last Horror Movie You Saw: Now I'm curious. Do they mean last in terms of date of release or date of viewing? I'm guessing viewing. The Shining haha. Age 39 (?). Roommate made me leave during the bathroom scene...oh you get it.
Day 3- Movie You Love That Nobody Else Does: Also confused. It doesn't day "horror" so I would probably go with Moonlight or Freddy Got Fingered. If we're sticking to horror, probably Blair Witch Project.
Day 4- Goriest Horror Movie: I've always been partial to Peter Jackson's Dead Alive and Werewolf in London's transformation scene and makeup. Apologies to the Evil Dead fan base. But we have to go with The Thing (1982). The things they did (pun intended) with the budget and practical effects are unmatched to this day.
Day 5- Favorite Horror Movie: I know what all 100 of you are thinking, The Shining. But while being my favorite Movie of all time, my favorite Horror Movie would be American Werewolf in London, which is also my favorite romance and 2nd place comedy (Caddyshack).
Day 6- Funniest Horror Movie: I know I've already mentioned Dead Alive and American Werewolf so lets go with Evil Dead 2 here. #workshed. Spoiler alert, the correct answer is down on Day 24.
Day7- Worst Horror Sequel: Ahhh finally something to sink my teeth into. Scream 3 is there. I've seen it 4 times over the course of 2 decades and can't tell you a single thing about it other than the Jay and Silent Bob project placement. Another Weinstein crime. I would have to go with Nightmare on Elm Street 2. Almost killed the entire franchise. Nope, just switched it to American Werewolf in Paris.
Day 8- Best Horror Movie Reboot: I'm guessing they mean remake in hopes of starting a new franchise because none really have worked. In terms of reboot I really think the Fright Night one is really overlooked. Colin Farrell having tons of fun, a cool Chris Sarandon cameo, and I love how they set it in Vegas because it is such a transient city that nobody really notices when someone goes missing. I love that take. Hot take for any future cross country blogger couples with mental and relationship issues.
Day 9- Best Horror Villain: Oh man. Technically it should be Hannibal Lecter but that is more a thriller so it always comes down to the Big 5: Jason, Freddy, Leatherface, Michael Myers, and Donald Trump; all deserving in their own ways. I'm going to eliminate Jason, Freddy, Leatherface, and Trump because there is something likable about each- Jason the sleeping bag kill, the fact he waits until the coeds doff it before he kills them, being a bullied kid. Freddy, well c'mon, is Freddy even the villain in most of them? Leatherface has the best kill out of them all, his first onscreen with the sledge. Also appeals to the trans community, one of my biggest fanbases. Trump for making it extremely difficult to be mean on the internet which is basically how we won a Detroit Music Award. So that leaves Michael Myers by default. Good lord, I just went back and reread that. If 2011 me would read that he would think, what the hell has happened by 2022.
Day 10- Movie You Hate That Everyone Loves: Hellraiser. Never got into it. Hon Mention: Babadook. Sucked but some people saw through the hype. Yeahhh I'm going to go with The Babadook.
Day 11- Worst Horror Ending: The Mist. I know there are a ton of people who love the bleak ending, and as the only living cynical writer writing today, you would think I would as well, but it was rubbish. It was done for just a shock, and the fact that Stephen King said he loved the change in killing off a main character after years of blasting Kubrick for killing off the Nice cook in The Shining just showed the early onset of dementia we see to this day on his Twitter page.
Day 12- Least Favorite Horror Movie: The Witch. I don't even have the energy to do the cute Late '10's spelling of it. It sucked, and no art history dropout that writes for what used to be Aint It Cool News can convince me otherwise.
Day 13- Movie You Have Not Seen: Ooooh you have my attention. Got it. Candyman. Never saw it, original or remake. To be fair I did see the Virginia Madsen bathtub doff, but that is another list.
Day 14- Best Horror Sequels: Perfect, a loophole. It says "sequels" plural. Let's go. Texas Chainsaw 2 for the gonzo Dennis Hopper/Leathernuts chainsaw fight. Devils Rejects. For making a legit throwback to a 70's road movie with horror undertones. Friday the 13th Part 4. Hits all the notes in the franchise: Doffs, a great cast, a Crispen Glover dance freakout, good kills, great makeup, and more. I'm going to have to go with Nightmare on Elm Street Part 3. It miiiiiight be better than the first. Another great cast, crazy kills, the return of cast members. Yeah. There is your winner. But the pic has to be Hopper.
Day 15- Worst Horror Movie Reboot: Hmmmm. I know many might say the Friday the 13th reboot where they turned Jason into a running Brock Lesnar pot farmer, but that at least had some amazing doffs. So, I'm going with the Nightmare on Elm Street reboot. Nothing redeeming which is a crime because it had Jackie Earle Hayley and my ex Rooney Mara. I was debating which doff to post for the pic. Nahhh just kidding.
Day 16- Worst Horror Acting: I think Bruce Campbell would take it personally if this wasn't him.
Day 17- Cheesiest Horror Movie: Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 4. This is what happens when you give too many drugs to people making a movie. You could say Part 2 as well. That gives me an idea for another list. This is what happens when you give too many drugs to people making a video. Maybe next year...
Day 18- Worst Horror Movie Plot: Get Out. Clever but too obvious and easy. You are not a trailblazer Jordan Poole. Twilight Zone series did it better. Moving along.
Day 19- Best Horror Soundtrack- John Carpenter. All of them. Halloween, Christine, The Fog, They Live. I bet you were thinking The Thing, but that was Morricone which gets an Hon. Mention. Also Hon. Mention: House of a Thousand Corpses/Devil's Rejects.
Day 20- Most Shocking Horror Movie: I'm going with Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Don't overthink the obvious. Gambling 101.
Day 21- Best 70's Horror Movie: The Exorcist. A very close second because I have the Exorcist is properly rated by maybe a liiiitle overrated, is Carrie. Fuck it. I'm going Carrie. Eat it traditionalists. Moving along.
Day 22- Best 80's Horror Movie: I gave love already to The Shining but is that even an 80's movie? Nightmare Part 1 is definitely up there. Same with The Thing. Return of the Living Dead is pretty amazing, also funny. Okay, 3 way tie- Nightmare 1, Return of the Living Dead, and original Fright Night. The club scene bumps it up.
Day 23- Best 90's Horror Movie: Scream. No contest.
Day 24- Best 00's Horror Movie: Shaun of the Dead. This might be the horror movie I watched the most next to Devil's Rejects which to be honest is more of a thriller which is why I went with the infinitely quotable Shaun. "What do we do tomorrow? Keep drinking!" was my motto from 2004 to. Also the Winchester was the defacto name of my writing refuge/camper after -jr's original name of [REDACTED] was redacted. No no no no. edit edit. Cloverfield. That was the movie I watched the most in the 00's. Yep. Cloverfield. Relegate Shaun back to the funniest. Sorry Evil Dead 2.
Bonus- I guess this meme was made before 2010 so- Best 10's Horror Movie: Cabin in the Woods. Mainly because it includes nods to many of the movies featured up there while still being original as hell. Its too bad Joss Whedon went nuts and totally sexist. It's rough going from being a Hollywood bigwig to submitting his resume for this blog.
Day 25- Best Child Horror Movie: There are quite a few to pick from. Regan was a child right? So Exorcist. The Shining of course. Poltergeist, and I'm not even mentioning the Spielberg audition process. I'm going with the original Child's Play. It even has Child in the title. Cracking up that all the movies I mentioned above are technically better than Child's Play. Pic though has to be Spielberg horrorshow though.
Day 26- Best Horror Genre: Ummm horror? I'm thinking the creator of this ran out of ideas at this point. I'm guessing they meant sub-genre. Anything but that lame 2000's asian horror trend where it was so cookie cutter, hit all the notes/tropes, mad libs gimmick. Though they will get a nod a few days down. It would have to be between Slasher and Haunted House. Slasher because of the kills and tits. Haunted House for the scares. I'm going with Slasher. Are you surprised?
Day 27- Best Holiday Horror Movie: -jr would probably pick Santa's Slay featuring a psychotic Goldberg playing Santa. Oh shit, hey Seth Rogen Goldberg did it first! Anyway Goldberg kills James Caan in the opening scene. Enough to warrant discussion. There's also Krampus which is probably the best recent Christmas horror movie. I'm leaving off Rare Exports which is the Foo Fighters of "Oh this is a great Christmas horror movie" usually said by people thinking they are cool. So it's gotta be Gremlins. Do you hear what I hear? Your mom getting her face slashed with a knife sending scores of parents into a fit because they thought it was just another muppet movie.
Day 28- Best Stephen King Movie: I know what you're thinking, it's The Shining again. Okay, yeah it is, but with that out of the way and if Stephen King voted The Shining is a Stanley Kubrick movie NOT a Stephen King movie so it is disqualified. So it goes to Carrie. By far. The cinematography, score, performances, lighting, Nancy Allen in 1976 full....glory, vintage Travolta. Yep, this is a no brainer.
Day 29- Best True Events Movie: Commando. Just kidding. It's not a list without Commando though. I'm going to go with Texas Chainsaw Massacre. After all they say at the beginning it was based on true event and would they lie to me?
Day 30- Scariest Horror Movie: This one is tough. Based on what age I saw it? I have to give a nod to The Grudge. I was very dismissive of Asian horror up there but when I saw The Grudge I was unfamiliar with the tropes of J Horror and I saw it alone (surprised?) at the theater. I was scared shitless. Every J Horror movie unphased me since then because its just recycled. The Exorcist is up there. Same with Texas Chainsaw. Well, we end where we started. The Shining. Maybe it was because of the age that I saw it, but so many things affected me, some to this day. It's all in the unexplained. Who let him out of the storage room? When I was 10 I finally got to see the bathroom scene and realized it was the perfect metaphor for marriage. The twins. The twins terrified me especially with the almost subliminal jump cuts of them killed. And of course the homosexual costume party dog man and elitist, almost a prelude to Eyes Wide Shut. Try processing that at 8 years old in a traditional Catholic household. And then to cap it off, he killed the Nice cook.
Well that's it waterheads. I hope you had fun with this as much as I did. Plus your first post of 2022! Venmo me. Cashapp me. I need a fundraiser, a saga. Ahhh whatever. Thanks for reading in our 15th year. Dear god..... Maybe we are doomed.
From the Iceman Commeth,
Dr. Bryan Metro
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