"I can't hear a single thing out of this damn ear."
I am shouting at trustworthy, yet exhausted, assistant Sebastian Owl through the JCM'sTown Compound intercom which is basically two cups attached to a string. Actually there are multiple cups, multiple lines, in case I multitask. The entire Compound is littered with cups. Everywhere you walk you Will step on a goddamn cup.
Back to the story, I have been dealing with a nasty case of temporal arteritis, which is an inflammation of the main artery on the right side of the head which could end up being a stroke or maybe just a miserable day. Whatever.
"Do you want to go to urgent care?" Owl asks from the intercom/cups on the other side of the Compound, and I still can barely hear.
"No. Hold on, Kentucky Pete is messaging on the Mojo Wire," I reply and use scissors to cut the string from the intercom so that I am not interrupted again. I click on the Mojo Wire.
"Hey Metro, it's K Pete."
"Yes, I know."
"Theater Bizarre is this weekend and they're asking for volunteers."
"Theater Bizarre makes my eyes roll," I reply, rolling my eyes.
"C'mon man," he explains.
"It is overpriced and filled with people with too much money, who think way too highly of themselves, and who I would never socialize on a personal basis to begin with," I explain.
"But you get to get in for free, maybe make some money, and just have to work an elevator," he explains.
"Okay, I'm sold. I'll pick you up around 6," I explain.
I arrive at 5:45 in costume.
"What are you supposed to be?" K Pete asks.
"I'm going as the Filth Magnet," I explain.
"You look like an asshole."
At this point I notice that Kentucky Pete is not even wearing a costume.
"Wait, we're supposed to be working this thing and you have no costume!" I yell.
"They know me. I have a guy on the inside. He gave me the tip on the volunteering gig. He also gave me the design for their new Token system."
"What token system?" I am sweating in October.
"Well, this year you need tokens to get into special rooms," he explains...
"Like sex stuff," I ask.
"Well, special rooms. It's a new system and I have around 50 of these fuckers ready to roll. We just need to pick them up. I also have tickets bootlegged as well in case we get denied. I hope they're right about these volunteer dropouts... Let's roll."
So we head to his usual Walgreens where he grabs fifty crude facsimile printouts of the tokens that we spend the next 30 minutes taping to cardboard. And then we get stopped by the cashier. Well, great...
"Sir, your pants are soaked," the clerk says, eyeing K Pete, who leans into me and says, "I have my Firebird in my sock. It's leaking."
"Jesus man, ditch the fucking flask and lets get out of here," I reply, and K Pete takes out the flask and leaves it on the counter while telling the clerk to "keep it" and we rush out of the store cackling like madmen, and then I realize we have one more stop to make.
"We need to make another stop," I explain.
"We're going to be late. What's the deal?" K Pete asks as he takes a pull from a flask of Firebird that I don't know where it came from.
"The deal is good. We have to pick up Elizabeth Second at this hotel in Lincoln Park," I explain.
"The tambourine player is coming?" he asks.
"No, that is Elizabeth First. E First is the tambourine player. This is E Second. She is in town from Vegas and wants some action. She'll get the drugs."
"But doesn't E First get the drugs?" K Pete is also sweating in October.
"No! Well, wait, yes she does, but this is Elizabeth Second."
"Where is Elizabeth First then?"
"I don't know. Disappeared. Happens every other month."
"So who is this Elizabeth Second?" K Pete is frantic.
"She's in town from Vegas, don't ask, and can probably score some good shit," I explain.
"Wait, so she is going to volunteer at the elevators too? We can't have three people running an elevator. Nobody will be able to ride it. This is such a savage scam," K Pete is still frantic.
"Girls like E Second don't volunteer. We have nothing to worry about. Let's roll."
We arrive at E Second's hotel but she has already checked out and is currently at Beaumont Hospital in Dearborn because she thought she got sick. We don't ask any questions and scoop her up and head to Masonic.
"How come you're not wearing a costume?" E Second asks K Pete.
"I'm going as the 'Kind Neighbor'," he replies, "and what are you going as tonight?"
"I'm the benevolent shot girl."
We eventually arrive at Theater Bizarre and somehow make our way to the entrance. K Pete's volunteers scam initially works, but the door guy was not happy.
"You are the guys that are supposed to be working the elevator? You're late. People are complaining. I had 30 Rock Financial cosplayers bitching at me they can't get to the smoking area."
"It's okay. We're with the Metro Times," I reply flashing my bootlegged press pass.
"And I'm with Hour Detroit," K Pete says, same.
"And Eros Vegas," E Second adds, no credentials, but who is going to ask?
"Okay, fine, you guys take the elevator gig. Make sure to bring the girl. Here are you passes," the ribbonhead says and we take our passes. "Make sure to bring the girl," he repeats.
"Of course. Whatever's right," I reply as we make our way to wherever we are supposed to be.
"Okay, I'm heading to one of the theme rooms. Thanks for the free pass. Do you have any extra of those tokens?" Elizabeth Second asks, and K Pete hands her around twenty, but most of them crude and rushed. And then she's gone. We will never see her again so we start towards the elevators and then things shift again.
"Can't do it," K Pete mumbles as he takes a swing from yet another Fireball pint, the last one having been confiscated at the entrance.
"Jesus, where is this coming from?" I ask, frantic, "You ditched the last two at Walgreens and the door!"
"Can't do it," K Pete repeats ignoring my questions, "I have a fear of elevators. Ever since I was arrested in one. Fairlane. Dearborn."
I knew this story well. It was probably mid-90's/ Kentucky Pete was at the Fairlane Mall in Dearborn, drunk because why not, already with an aging prostate. He had to piss and decided to do so in the elevator to the second level. At that time the elevator was glass so everybody could see this monster pissing on the door. Needless to say the police were waiting for him and K Pete was arrested. In a cruel twist of fate, at the court hearing, the benches were obviously wood and K Pete accidentally farted during the hearing, interrupting the judge's spiel and the wood amplified the sound and he ate a contempt of court as a result.
"Can't do it," K Pete says yet again, "Let's get something to eat. I have a bootleg of the menu."
We eat and K Pete gets up and says that he needs to change into his costume for our gig at the elevators that we are very late for. As he shuffles off I realize that he has zero intention of paying for the tab so after five painful minutes I walk out on the tab and find K Pete in costume as Buckethead. The photo is from the Majestic a decade ago, but I guess he takes this gear everywhere.
As I approach him I realize that he is urinating into either a bottle or a cup. I couldn't bother to look.
"What are you doing?" I softly shout.
"Can't find a single fucking bathroom here."
"We are late for the elevator gig. Ditch the costume and that swill and let's go."
"Can't do it. Elevators man," he replies.
"Then just stand outside the fucker. I'll run the damn elevator," I shout.
Kentucky Pete agrees and ditches the costume and hands the piss cup to somebody from Rocket Mortgage and ominously says, "Extra stout."
We get to the elevator where Jeff Milo is working, stepping in, obviously frustrated.
We excuse him and K Pete immediately leaves.
"Gotta piss again. Plus need to change into another costume. We're not going to last 20 minutes here."
He comes back looking like a complete fool. I recognized the costume from when I initially picked him up while he was wandering around the yard.
"What are you supposed to be? I ask.
"I'm Uncle Jasper. Call me Jasper."
"What is Uncle Jasper?" I ask.
"I made it up. I can't do this elevator thing," he explains and we spend the next five minutes selling off the rest off the bootlegged tokens at a discount (but that much ho ho ho) and after five minutes of people complaining that we are not actually running the elevator we just ditch the entire job and blend in using the fraud tickets and the bootleg press passes. K Pete insists on spending the rest of the night as Uncle Jasper and we grabbed some pics.
Now That is quality Screwjacks!
After that waste of time, we decided to check out some of the theme rooms which require tokens which aren't a problem of course because we are still sitting on at least 25 of them.
"Fistitorium. I like the sound of that," K Pete says, as I silently agree, "Maybe that girl we brought in here is in there."
"It's possible," I reply, "But in reality we will never see her again."
"Oh."
So we give Fistitorium a shot and it was okay. The best part was the dumpy girl dressed as Kenny Omega that we ran into while they were complaining about the elevator.
The Fisitorium room awoke something awful in me as I recalled going to a swingers hotel party in Farmington with one of my ex's and it was just awful. I went in having no intention of participating and was just there to observe and journalize. There was nobody attractive there. My ex saw me scowling and said "Stop scowling. Don't be rude," which I ignored and we went to the pool which was predictably filled with middle-age oatmealheads. And then I insisted we leave, which we did. The Fistitorium was not as bad as that. A few ringers, but whatever. I was getting tired and K Pete had produced yet another Fireball pint which means I'm driving him home. The night was turning dark.
"Hey man, look at this," K Pete says, awakening me from my daydream. It was a screencap of some girl who lost a mask at this very event. He shows me the cap.
"Oh Jesus man, that's not you is it?" I ask him, now in full on panic mode.
"No way, I thought it was you," he replies giggling.
"There is a possibility that one of us have this mask," one of us says, who?, nobody knows.
"No way, we have already burned this thing too much. There is somebody else here that is looking for trouble. Do you want to go back to try the elevator gimmick. They never paid us," K Pete asks.
"No way. I'm tired. Plus they're on to us and I bet you have that fucking mask. You're just too drunk to realize it.."
"I thought you did. You're the bandit. Missed opportunities I guess," he says, sliding into that awful introspective mood. But he was right. Neither of us had the mask. That would break the rules. That girl did not deserve to have the mask snatched. Anyway.
We run into Woodman on our way out.
"You guys get in for free? Freebees?" he asks.
"Hey do we look like a record store kid?" K Pete replies.
"It's what you don't know," I continue.
"That matters most," K Pete finishes.
And then we left.
From the Iceman Commeth,
The Boy Next Door,
Dr. Bryan Metro
&
Kentucky Pete
Happy Halloween
"
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