Out now on Checkers Records Collective, the new LP by JCM, "The Fall of Bryan Metro".

Listen To This Now!!!!

Monday, December 30, 2013

-jr's Top 10 Lavendar Moments of 2013



It's always fun to look back and warm myself in all the fires we started over the year. Some of these seem ages ago. Some are very fond.

10. bug updates
Oh Marcie. One of our favorite punching bags. Metro kinda wants to bang you? Please change your profile pic more often. It's just so easy.

9. The Ballad of Carolin
We found a new regular weirdo in Christen Carolin. An obviously insane person that I got into a facebook cage match with over something that didn't really matter at all. Time passes and she showed up at a JCM show at the Phoenix Cafe. She started instigating and yelling shit at us so I slapped her fucking drink out of her hand and called her a cunt. She was escorted out by the doorman. Ever since then she has been a regular commenter and is a good source for over-40 cinemax softcore photos for fliers. Just like any other bitch we've gone toe to toe with in the past, she loves us now.

8. Top Ten George Morris Lyrics
George is someone who is completely up his own asshole and devoid of talent. Nice guy and all but just a terribly dreadful singer. Nails on a chalkboard bad. This list is phoenetically indicative of a George Morris show/album/whatever.

7. Fucking Stupid
There was a small campaign to elect Rodriguez for mayor. All the people from Occupy Detroit jumped ship and hopped on board for this. Old Miami was the smartest bear in the forest to have petition signings at the bar thus exploiting the situation for profit. It's mind boggling how easily people are swayed by a well done documentary about a guy that was famous in another country but forgotten about in his hometown. Why aren't people trying to get Death to run for City Council?

6. Metro Reviews A Band
This started battle with CJonst and snowballed into the now-legendary "Pressure Cooker" performance at Blowout. I sure hope CJonst made a bunch of cash because little to no bands were compensate this year for their performances. At least when Eve Doster was heading it you were paid, even if it was mailed weeks after the fact. Can't wait for the Blowout to be completely transplanted to Ferndale n 2014.

5. Top 10 Leaked Celebrity Pics
Very exciting news straight from us to you. This is what matters. Fat Ass Tittes. Plus, loved the shops.

4. JCM Goes To Baseball
One of the Top Fun Night of the year, easy. We met JCM Legend Jersey Giant/Sgt. Peter Jester here. We found out Audra Kubat is still alive and hasn't melded into the wall of the Trumbullplex yet. Metro read from his book and creeped out all of Union Street.

3. Kelly Oxford: An Analysis of a Cunt
Our first story to really get a mainstream backlash. This led to various shadow twitter accounts, cloak and dagger tactics, amazon review spamming, etc. We really stuck it to this bitch. Michael Ian Black even joined our ranks, joined our fight. Her first mistake was going against our beloved Wang on twitter. After our response, she sicked all of her followers on us. Our hits went through the roof. This bitch is famous for squirting out a couple of kids and making up superficial quips about them. The worst kind of worst.

2. Size 12 Updated
This pig went after Metro in an event page for a Child Bite Show. This event received so much viral attention that it concluded in Child Bite's van getting stolen at said show. The Hip In Detroit slags are the Ryan Allen of 2013. I chose this post because it was the meanest. I only hope next year I can be meaner. I'm sure you do to. Fucking wretches of women.

1. RIP No Wave Detroit/Electric Corpse
The great face turn from your now hometown heroes. The evil that was in everyones' face but they were all too passive to point it out and identify it for what it was. This was the most talked about post in the inner sanctum of the Detroit Music Scene. We received adulation after adulation. Greg Baise offered to give us a rickshaw ride down Cass Avenue while Anthony Morrow followed closely behind, walking on his hands, and clapping with his feet. Detroit Party Marching Band encircles him, playing Big Band version of our hits and actually made their girls shave for the occasion. Metro Times wrote an article of praise and Brett Callwood finally received the national merit he acts like he deserves. Charlie LeDuff talked about it on Fox News and shared the video on Facebook. It went viral. Phantasmagoria and James Link did an autotuned remix that went #1 on iTunes. We got booked on Fallon and Ferguson as 2nd guests. We had a guest spot on The Mindy Project. Most talked about episode during sweeps. Booked on SNL as dual hosts/performers. One sketch was so funny that we are regularly called back to do it again in future seasons. We costar in a indie movie by Noah Baumbach about a man that finds himself through his friends and their non-subtle quirks and he ultimately finds love in a manic pixie chick that is ugly up front but is a 9/10 when she gets done up. Noah hits it big and goes mainstream. He gets to direct Avengers 3 next. Metro catches HPV from Miley Cyrus. Wang disappears for a year in Sao Paolo trying to find something he keeps calling "The Word of God". Single Barrell Detroit does the inevitable documentary about our rise. It gets distributed by Netflix. Biggest watched doc of all time. We win Oscars. Standing ovations. In our acceptance speech we thank the usuals. Fly back to my modest home in Plymouth, Mi. Kick my Versace Boots off and think about how 2013 was a great year. Think about how all of this began because I publicly executed a convicted sex offender in front of all his piers. Perhaps next year we will cure cancer.

Dash -

Friday, December 27, 2013

HAPPY HOLIDAYS - AWESOMeFEET v.0.0.3 DETROIT USA 12/15/2013



Okay, so this is one of the most obnoxious things that I've seen this year.  From the amateurish video that borrows from Pharrell's "Happy" with some fag running around Detroit when we have more worthwhile local institutions like the "Eat em Up Tigers" guy and Dreadlock Mike being cut down and, well, this just seems very slight.  Glad to see that some twit got it screened at Mittenfest.  No no, I'm not being cynical here, I think it's important for the world to see why we can't have nice things in Detroit.  And dont get me started on the terrible song accompanying this dreck.  First off, to the tubby making this tripe here's a heads up.... If...you...are.....making....dance.....music....nobody.....cares.....what....lyrics.....you.....have.... so just stop....and stop ripping off Electric Six.  This here is the Christmas gift that encompasses everything that is wrong with this city..... without the rapes, and murders, and financial mismanagement.  Ha, the parties in this video would have to have finances to mismanage and obviously they don't bestinthewoooorlllllldd

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Thursday, December 26, 2013

augie and kern update



So the Hardest Lesson to Lesson is playing a Size 12 Pig Roast tonight. Of course they called in a favor for an interview with a no-poke to feign some modicum of relevancy.

Photo of no poke wanna be beat kid


There are some muy interesante tidbits garnered from this suckfest interview.

"If you loved us or hated us, we were the talking point that sort of brought Detroit musicians together for, like, a long time... it's an interesting thing to go through."

-Sorry, but The Hard Lessons were never the bone and sinew of the scene. I can't really think of one group that really unified everyone on a grande scale. Festivals were the melting pots. They forced everyone together, love or hate, there was still an aura of togetherness. Nope.

"we never really got handed anything, but we worked really, really hard for it and we never took anything for granted." That sort of dedication has seen the Hard Lessons through over seven hundred shows in seven countries. "That's more shows than Rage Against the Machine and Nirvana combined!"

-Just because you played a lot of shows does not put you in the same league or elevate you above bands like Nirvana and/or Rage Against The Machine. It's quite funny how having a bit of a local following causes musicians' heads to inflate bigger than hot-air balloons (see Carjack). I bet 10 or eve 5 years from now when John Q Hipster from the 90's is thinking about top 5 angsty emoji bands from high school, The Hard Lessons will be the "Oh, they're the band I keep skipping on my 'Detroit Rock Tag' Pandora Station."

"We're releasing records that people want to hear and that's the real reason why we're still doing this."

This is an ever bigger unsuccessful musician cliche than "I do it because it's my art and I need to express myself, bro." Spare Me

So have fun at St Andrews tonight, on a Thursday Night, catching The Hard Lessons and their set that beckons back to a concocted nostalgia of something that never ever existed.

Dash -

Monday, December 23, 2013

The Reason for the Season

I'd been waiting all morning for my butler to fix my coffee only to remember that I do not have a butler. Damn. Now my coffee is too sweet with too much cream (thanks a lot, me!)

I came across this image on reddit this morning.


Right now my second dog (who I co-raise with my sort-of-an-ex-but-not-really) is staying with me until [said ex-ish] returns home tonight at which point I will probably stay there and relieve myself of some of the stress of staying in this tiny apartment with far too many people and animals in it.

Until that time, however, I will go to work and hope that whoever is here while I am working remembers to keep an eye on Sir Chews-a-Lot and Master Pants.

Right now I feel right on the edge of everything that is good. I have one of the best tailors in the Atlanta area working on my New Year's dress (as I apparently don't know my actual dress size and just bought a pretty dress and hoped it fit....it didn't) and I am getting along with most everyone in my life.

Individual therapy tonight makes me anxious--would rather just come home and relax--but since I won't have group again until after the new year, I know that this will be helpful and necessary.' So close to paying off my credit card debt and still so far away. Sometimes I am positive that I will never be a grown up. Then I remind myself that is a good thing.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Follow Up The Execution


A few months ago, lavendar went viral for the umpteenth time. All of the hubbub was over a masked wolf in our "scene". That's right, Matthew Dallas: scene climber, sexual abuser, electric corpser, dweeb, etc. Last Friday, while I was self-glorifying over the Lo Lo Lo Hanz Remix at the Odd Hours' Music Video Premiere, a JCM Tipster shared with me that Mr. Dallas is now under house arrest. When I asked why, the infraction was for his going under an alias. I laughed and downed another can of freedom-good PBR. It really is funny. Could it be that we are/have always been the CM Punk's of the Detroit Music Whatever? Always teetering on the edge of villain and hero. Always adhering to the truth of the matter rather than the good guy press push? Perhaps. What other hometown hero adventures can we endeavor ourselves with? Are the Heidelberg Fires really the work of a Hipster-Hating Arsonist?? Is it someone that just doesn't like to see a bunch of shit stapled to the wall of a dilapidated house to make it look like a creepier version of the House from House of 1000 Corpses in their neighborhood? Is it just some poor people looking for a good time like most of the fires in Detroit? Perhaps we can talk about the Wild and Wacky World of Carjack and how he has "...influenced a lot of newer bands...". Of all the times to take the limelight away from someone when it is their Last Show/Going Away Party after they have been an integral part of the scene/whatever for longer/about the same length as we have. I hate everyone.

Dash -

Friday, December 6, 2013

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Kelly Oxford Fun Fact 12.04.13

Hey all, we're taking a break from Hip in Detroit this week to get back to our sworn enemy @kellyoxford.  So I give you the Kelly Oxford Fun Fact of the Day-

If Kelly would have never married into money she would not be where she is today because no hard work was involved.  Bonus fact-  Her "celebrity friends" are only there to humor her.  Every retweet/response is an obligation from them.  But hey, happy holidays, I am so happy I got paid for writing this update.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

stella is on our side


The JCM does not hate everything that is out there, just those who feel entitled and have nothing interesting to contribute. Case in point, the guys in Stella. Now here are some people who actually worked hard rather than sitting at home waiting for "it" to come to them. We are big fans and support them whenever they actually leave the house and perform rather than just shill. Fame is earned when deserved. Now ask yourself...is that not logical? Nothing mean at all, just the facts. Deal with it rock and roll.

 -jr and Metro

Monday, December 2, 2013

JCM Newskies for Youskies



First Up: We submitted for 2014's DETxDET show. Who from Detroit is good enough for your hometown heroes to actually flatter by impersonating for a night? The application called for 2 possibilities. After much deliberation, late night meetings, and prayer sessions we finally had a moment of euphoria and came up with our 2 choices. Our first and really only choice is to be Hip In Detroit. " How are you going to perform as them?" you might be asking yourself. It's quite easy. We have 2 options. We could do a DJ set playing all the bands we hate and trash (easy way out) or we can moan, yawn, howl over a pop punk backdrop. Our second option is The Stooges which would just be a half hour of Wang singing TV Eye with Metro convulsing on the ground. We need your help Kaneinites. Email the Size 12's at hipindetroit@gmail.com or leave an endearing wall post on their Facebook Page. Your help will make this the best PPV since the Undertaker/Mick Foley Hell In A Cell.

Second: It's that wonderful time of year again. That time of year when we get submitted to be nominated for all of the Detroit Music Awards. Here's the list of submissions/pre-noms we are up for

Outstanding Electronic Group: The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre

Outstanding Electronic Song: "Never Never Land" The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre


Outstanding Electronic Song: "Dress To Get Screwed Party" The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre


Outstanding Electronic Producer: Bryan Metro/Dashjr

Outstanding Music Video: The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre "Ding Dong"


Click Here To Get Started. Remember, we triumphed over the likes of Deastro and Matthew Dear in years past. Today we can build a better future for tomorrow together. Woo Woo Woo. You Know It.

-jr

Monday, November 25, 2013

forever alone update


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-jr

Friday, November 22, 2013

callwood takes on jcm the only way callwood can


if you're going to write a trash review, why sugarcoat it? might as well go full 9. people respect that more. it seems like ever since Metro turned down a column at MetroTimes, they've opted to try and copy our bite. well, take a minute to gander at the less thans from the other side of the tracks.

"So British band Temples is in town tonight, the group that both Johnny Marr and Noel Gallagher have described as the “best new band in Britain.” How much weight you put on that depends on how much love you have for those two men, I suppose. You can be pretty sure Temples is the best new band out of Kettering, a small town in the Midlands region of the UK.

But enough of that. Bad Indians went on stage first at the Loving Touch, aided by a light show that increased the psychedelic vibe no end. Imagine being stuck in a kaleidoscope while the Doors played Turtles songs. The Ann Arbor/Ypsilanti band has no stage presence beyond the lights, but that’s ok. That’s what the lights are for. The guys just stand still and blast through their short set. The songs don’t all hit the mark and when they don’t, the band sounds static and slightly tired. When they are on song though, their ‘60s-drenched, acid-soaked rock is invigorating.

Mexican Knives plays in the dark. Not sure why – they’re certainly not ghastly to look at. Zachary Weedon (Readies, Dirtbombs, Lee Marvin Computer Arm) leads the line with his guitar, while vocalist Ruth Synowiec paces the stage like a panther in a cage. Even in near-darkness, she’s pretty damned intimidating. The band’s noisey, punky alt-rock has been compared to Fucked Up and the Jamaican Queens among others, and that’s fair. They sound like themselves, and that’s enough.

Didn’t stay to see Temples. I don’t need Noel fucking Gallagher telling me what to do."

Source

I get it. dislike with veneer of positiveity. never heard mexican knives but the chick looks like a molly soda/body holographic amalgam. i have the readies single and it sure is a same-old snooze fest. see, that's how you do it Cally boy. y'all mess with the greatest #jayz.

Dash -

Weekend Irony Fix

Hey sexy slurries,
I'm still recovering from the Sky Ferreira show at the (wretched) Magic Stick this week but I have to leave you with this awesome bit of irony.  Now let me start off by saying that any lowlife that rips off others is no friend to me (purses in New York in a moment of weakness don't count), but this update from Child Bite and their stolen van is too much to resist.


Here are the back doors to our old van. It looks like Jeepers Creepers ripped this sucker open! Thankfully he left the CB merch. Regardless, it's good to know that those puck locks take a shit ton of work to get around.
The dirty thieves took all this time and energy to procure the van, store the van, and break into said van.....and they LEFT THE MERCH!!!!!!!!!!
Man, these days, everyone's a critic :(
From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Thursday, November 21, 2013

ya hurd



Lo Lo Lo Hanz did a remix for this mug. Come by if you're inclined

-jr

Monday, November 18, 2013

Creepy Cheeky Video Revue

Metro here,
Due to the overwhelmingly positive feedback from my first video diary revue of that George Morris song, here is my second entry.  This one is some rad live footage from the Crofoot's Creepy Cheapy Halloween bash this past whatever.  This event was so good I haven't heard a single thing about it.  Maybe if Pffffreddie would think outside the box instead of playing it safe with all his fwiend's bands then people would be talking.  Anyway, here is the video diary revue of Destroy This Place as Hole.


Destroy This Hole

0.00-2.04-  Size 12 waddles around the stage.

When she laughs after the second "when I went to school", that's the same gravelly, ashtray cackle I imagine Death has.

Have a good one!

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Bryan Metro Video Revue

Hey Kiddos, its been a while.  We've been busy here at JCM central but I did want to take a minute to do a video diary review of the latest George Morris video directed by the best, JSB.  You can find the video below.  I recommend opening it in another window so you can follow the diary review (and to let the stink out.  Get it?  I get it.).  So here we go.

"Amateurs on Parade"





0.02- Probably
0.04- Pass
0.08- Maybe
0.11- Pass
0.18- I'd probably hammer
0.28- Director props for ass shake
0.34- Director demerits for time wasting static shot
0.36- I bet she's had worse..
0.38- TEDIOUS
1.00- My thoughts on this song
1.09- Upgrade to probs
1.41- Tedium coma baby
1.59- Hitchcock cameo (if Hitchcock were a twerp)
2.03- Probably
2.06- Future ex-wife
2.17- Bug Chaser
2.24- Didn't get the hipster moustache memo.  Do a shot!
2.34- "Get me the fuck out of here right NOW"
2.52-  Will watch himself as soon as next week and say, "I am so fucking ridiculous"
2.59- Already probably dead from embarrassment. Actually, probably not.
3.05- "Yes, people like me really exist"
3.29- I made it! I hope you realize how difficult that was for me.  I'm a saint!

Thinking of making this a weekly feature.  If you would like your video to be given the video diary treatment send it to me at bryanmetro1@hotmail.com

From the Iceman Commeth,
Saint Metro

Saturday, November 9, 2013

From the Ringbearer Commeth

Metro here...huge news from the JCM camp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Wang painted his brand new house today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Monster cock news from the JCM camp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-jr got engaged....to a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm not going to kid around here, I'm pretty damn excited.  This has been quite the "out of nowhere" great weekend for those in the JCM camp and I am very excited for my friends.

Saw Wang's brand new house and it is pretty fucking awesome.  Basement to die for.  A yard bigger than the Lager House.  And the best part is that it's not downtown or in Hamtramck or even worse, Ferndale.  Yeah....pretty damn cool.  The next time I see some local musician post on Facebook about how they need a job or a vehicle I'm just going to chuckle and think, "Apply yourself, chump change."

And holy shit, the really big news!  -jr got engaged....to a girl!  And not a size 12!  How cool is that?????????  Maybe he can get Destroy This Place to play the reception and give them the wrong address.  Maybe we can get drunk Augie to stumble through the wedding cake!!!!  The possibilities are endless.  I can't wait to get drunk tonight and come up with my next list "Top 10 Options for -jr's Best Man".  And no Deastro won't be on it...he would just cancel anyways.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Urgh! A Detroit Music War: The Great Fleecing of The Detroit Music Scene



Urgh! A Detroit Music War was a project envisioned by Brandon Walley that was funded by Kickstarter. It grew in breadth and width from the initial show to documenting the "Blue Moon in June" festival that year as well as a handful of house shows (non festival) here and there. Quite a few individuals were involved in differing hierarchies. For example Michael 0' Connor (Fur) was helping film, Nardo Navdo (MCB) was doing sound, etc. A majority of musicians involved, musicians not involved, press, and artists contributed funds and time to make this idea a go. Years creeped by and there was silence upon beleaguered silence. The name of the project changed and a trailer was published:


Everyone I Know, trailer 1 from Brandon Walley on Vimeo.


People wre reinvigorated with enthusiasm. The trailer was shared all over facebook. Then....nothing. Not one little peep. More and more silence. Then Chris Butterfield of Found Sound/Pink Lightning updated his status earlier this year:

"In early 2011, a friend asked for my band to perform an Urgh! A Music War-themed concert. Inspired by the idea, I suggested video documentation of the event. Soon after, I reached out to a former co-worker who had worked professionally in visual arts. Our first meeting was productive. The filmmaker established a detailed list of production needs. Prior to our meeting, no budget had been discussed or considered by myself or co-producer. The filmmaker had recommended an online fundraising campaign to raise the production's budget. Upon review of said budget, zero compensation was allocated to the filmmaker. The filmmaker vowed to approach the project purely as a labor of love – and that budget would solely pay towards crew, film, hard drives and campaign rewards. Given the filmmaker's prior successes with online fundraising management, it was persuaded to us that this was the appropriate means to fulfill the project's ultimate potential. We were wrong.

Local press showered our fundraising campaign with exposure. Our fundraising goal was met – with a self-generated portion courtesy of the co-producer. All funds raised were deposited into the filmmaker’s preexisting fundraising account.

Bands were added by the co-producer at an exponential rate, in order to respond to the excitement/solicitations generated by the project. The one-night showcase of fifteen bands was an overwhelming success. Subsequent nights/bands were added to fill out what was determined by the co-producer and filmmaker necessary for depth and inclusivity.

One year later, a trailer debuted with the announcement of a Summer 2012 release. Following that announcement, communication with the filmmaker was sporadic, to the say the least. Immersed in our own respective endeavors, completion of the film was entrusted entirely to the filmmaker – in addition to the stewardship of funds. This was a mistake. The filmmaker made no effort to keep either producer abreast on the project as it unfolded over the course of two years. Only by frequent producer prodding via email/phone calls did the filmmaker address concerns of remaining budget and project timeline. The budget, as it turned out, under the stewardship of the filmmaker, had been depleted. This left no remaining funds for campaign rewards, a vital component to crowd-sourced projects. Agreements to biweekly meetings/footage review were broken and deadlines postponed – all at the behest of the filmmaker, leaving the film in an undeniable stalemate. And that's where we've been.

...

Well, the critics are right. In order for crowd-sourced financing for do-it-yourself projects to remain viable, accountability is essential. Otherwise, it’s theft. And, as I see it, that’s our situation as it stands. It bums me out, and I feel an overwhelming weight of guilt and futility for lacking sufficient oversight to see the project through. I’ve considered and reconsidered what options remain, so I’ll begin at making a long-overdue public statement/apology. I'm sorry. The co-producer and I had only the best intentions from the outset. I believe you are entitled your money back. That said, I'm still pursuing what options remain in order to reimburse donors. Until then, I encourage you to direct any comments, questions or concerns to the filmmaker.

-CB"


As you can imagine, this was shared like crazy amongst our little community. A great sigh was let out. The dream had died. All glimmers of hope were finally quashed. The idea of Urgh! A Detroit Music War was finally put to bed. It was/is thievery. This led to obvious infighting between Walley and his compatriots.

Walley has always been gifted at engineering press interest in his projects both on a local and a national level. Urgh! was definitely a more local endeavor. Walley was also the Mastermind behind the "Robocop Statue in Detroit" project that went viral, gained over $50,000 in funding through kickstarter, and has yet to come to fruition. Broke In Detroit has done a good job of keeping tally on the Robocop Farce.

Walley still grasps at straws and attempts to garner interest with cryptic and vague status updates:

As you can see, there is still interest and hope. Will the movie ever come out? Will we all get our DVD's and proverbial pat on the back that we contributed to a documentation of a period in our shared creative culture? Will we take the top prize at Sundance? Most importantly, will I ever get my Producer's Credit on IMDB?

Odds are Urgh! or whatever title it ends up with will never see the light of day. We are all a little bit poorer for it. Perhaps those that invested amounts over a $100 should take Walley to small claims court to recoup their funds. Otherwise, what recourse is there?...so far only bitching on the internet. We have all been duped and swindled. It's time to burn the witch. How has the guy not been sued yet? Urgh! was only $5000, but the Robocop Fiasco was upwards of $50,000. This world blows my mind.
Dash -

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Updates Abound


I beat GTA 5. 69 missions and it only took 33 hours. Now I am playing GTA 5 online and sucking more time. If you would like to join the JCM Crew go here.

Metro is in Vegas and supposedly got married

Dash-

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Happy Halloween from JCM


a little bit of us


a little bit of you


-jr

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Creature Feature Creature Feature Night 27: Kiss of the Damned


"Kiss of the Damned" is a throwback to old 60s horror movies that relied more upon atmosphere and story than gore and torture. The score for the movie is superb. The director obviously has an affinity for Kubrikian Decadance as every shot seems modeled as such.




Chick picks up dude from "Heroes" at a video store. Plays hard to get but whatevs. Bang time. She turns him into a vampire. Fall in love forever. Crazy sister shows up. Starts fucking shit up. 3 ways, murder, etc. Bangs brother in law. Heroes and Lil Red move to Rome.

3 stars. All in all the plot is pretty straightforward and the pacing has some issues. Both the chicks were bangin and super-french. Tonight, we go from boyz II men while watching "Rites of Passage" which features Christain Slater in a wig.

-jr

Night 26: Maniac
Night 25: Altered
Night 24: Wilderness
Night 23: Dead of Winter
Night 22: Misbegotten
Night 21: The Invitation
Night 20: The Dark Hours
Night 19: A Darker Reality
Night 18: Mum & Dad
Night 17: Midnight Movie
Night 16: Wreckage
Night 15: Primal
Night 14: The Relic
Night 13: The Rig
Night 12: Leviathan
Night 11: Unknown
Night 10: Die
Night 9: Choose
Night 8: Silent House
Night 7: The Awakening
Night 6: Kill Theory
Night 5: Creep Van
Night 4: Terror Trap
Night 3: Scary or Die
Night 2: Child's Play 2
Night 1: Curse of the Puppet Master

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Creature Feature Creature Feature Night 26: Maniac


"Maniac" is by far the best Creature Feature so far. It's a remake of the original that starred Joe Spinelli. Personally, I though Spinelli was way creepier than Frodo. Still, they changed the perspective of all the killings to be first person a la many Dario Argento movies. Really creepy. Also, the score is one of the best since "Drive"




Frodo runs a mannequin shop and is all sorts of nuts. He likes to hunt down bitches, scalp them, and put the hair on the mannequins. He then has conversations with and bangs them. Also, he has crazy convos with his dead mom while she is fucking men in front of him. He falls in love with some art bitch but ends up killing her too. Then all the mannequins come to life and kill Frodo.

5 stars. Seriously. I really can't wait to go back and watch this one again. It's that good. Tonight, I put on my lipstick and get ready for "Kiss of The Damned"

-jr

Night 25: Altered
Night 24: Wilderness
Night 23: Wilderness
Night 22: Misbegotten
Night 21: The Invitation
Night 20: The Dark Hours
Night 19: A Darker Reality
Night 18: Mum & Dad
Night 17: Midnight Movie
Night 16: Wreckage
Night 15: Primal
Night 14: The Relic
Night 13: The Rig
Night 12: Leviathan
Night 11: Unknown
Night 10: Die
Night 9: Choose
Night 8: Silent House
Night 7: The Awakening
Night 6: Kill Theory
Night 5: Creep Van
Night 4: Terror Trap
Night 3: Scary or Die
Night 2: Child's Play 2
Night 1: Curse of the Puppet Master

Monday, October 28, 2013

Creature Feature Creature Feature Night 25: Altered


"Altered" is pretty boring and not scary. 95% of the movie takes place in a garage. The writer's couldn't decide between whether they wanted it to be a horror or a comedy. It is neither. It is a piece of shit.




4 hillbillies capture an alien. They take it back to their friend's garage. They had all been abducted and probed before. They start fucking with it. Everybody dies except for the friend and his ho. Blows up his house and a spaceship. Humanity wins.

2 stars. Piece of shit but some good sight gags and effects. Tonight I'm watching the remake of "Maniac", which I have been looking the most forward to.

-jr

Night 24: Wilderness
Night 23: Wilderness
Night 22: Misbegotten
Night 21: The Invitation
Night 20: The Dark Hours
Night 19: A Darker Reality
Night 18: Mum & Dad
Night 17: Midnight Movie
Night 16: Wreckage
Night 15: Primal
Night 14: The Relic
Night 13: The Rig
Night 12: Leviathan
Night 11: Unknown
Night 10: Die
Night 9: Choose
Night 8: Silent House
Night 7: The Awakening
Night 6: Kill Theory
Night 5: Creep Van
Night 4: Terror Trap
Night 3: Scary or Die
Night 2: Child's Play 2
Night 1: Curse of the Puppet Master

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Creature Feature Creature Feature Night 24: Wilderness


"Wilderness" was pretty damn impressive. It's part "Attack of the Block", part "Hunger Games", and part "Most Dangerous Game" all rolled into one.



A group of prison kids are mean as shit to a boy until he kills himself. His dad is mega-rage. Prison flies boys out to wilderness for some scared straight action. Arrow start flying and bodies start dropping. It's the dad and he's still pissed bigtime. Release the hounds. Dogs start eating people. One kid is the leader and dang smart and a hero. Time to turn the tables. There's a traitor in our mist. Kill dad. Let's get out of here.

3.5 stars. It was pretty dang good but not all that scary or suspenseful. Beam me up and change the past tonight when we get "Altered"

-jr

Night 23: Wilderness
Night 22: Misbegotten
Night 21: The Invitation
Night 20: The Dark Hours
Night 19: A Darker Reality
Night 18: Mum & Dad
Night 17: Midnight Movie
Night 16: Wreckage
Night 15: Primal
Night 14: The Relic
Night 13: The Rig
Night 12: Leviathan
Night 11: Unknown
Night 10: Die
Night 9: Choose
Night 8: Silent House
Night 7: The Awakening
Night 6: Kill Theory
Night 5: Creep Van
Night 4: Terror Trap
Night 3: Scary or Die
Night 2: Child's Play 2
Night 1: Curse of the Puppet Master

Creature Feature Creature Feature Night 23: Dead of Winter


"Dead of Winter" fucking blows. Suck ass shit movie, based on a true story. Lame and dumb




2 tweens go to a New Year's Eve party and get heads full of acid. They leave and go driving. Start seeing shit man. They wander around a forest and hallucinate a killer is stalking them. Keep calling 911 and chatting with some know-it-all black lady. You aint makin no damn sense. Wander wander wander. Boyfriend loses mind and starts trying to murder girlfriend. Kills a deputy. Chases gf and spouts cliche after cliche. BF dies and everybody cries forever.

1 star. Boring. Not scary. Lame as shit. Tonight, I learn how to rough it in the "Wilderness"

-jr

Night 22: Misbegotten
Night 21: The Invitation
Night 20: The Dark Hours
Night 19: A Darker Reality
Night 18: Mum & Dad
Night 17: Midnight Movie
Night 16: Wreckage
Night 15: Primal
Night 14: The Relic
Night 13: The Rig
Night 12: Leviathan
Night 11: Unknown
Night 10: Die
Night 9: Choose
Night 8: Silent House
Night 7: The Awakening
Night 6: Kill Theory
Night 5: Creep Van
Night 4: Terror Trap
Night 3: Scary or Die
Night 2: Child's Play 2
Night 1: Curse of the Puppet Master

Friday, October 25, 2013

Get Your Wares


If you haven't in awhile, head over to the Checker's Records Collective site. Many of the tapes have sold out sadly. However, there are plenty remaining. There are 2 JCM/Revoir splits remaining and 2 Passalacqua EP's remaining. Cool.

-jr

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Creature Feature Creature Feature Night 22: Misbegotten


"Misbegotten" is a "Cape Fear" esque thriller starring Johnny Drama from "Entourage" Difference are the acting is pretty bad and he is the only recognizable actor.


Sorry but no trailer on Youtube for this bad boy either

Johnny Drama is a killer and a psycho. Rebecca De Mornay clone and her much older husband can't conceive. Old man is shooting blanks. Let's get a sperm donor. Turns out to be the baby batter from Johnny Drama. He always wanted a boy big time. Starts stalking the wife trying to wedge out old man. Shoots old man in the gut. Sends old man's head in a baby shower gift box to De Mornay clone in the middle of baby shower. Drama writes clone a song called "Test Tube Rape". Clone freaks out and tries to give herself a coat hangar abortion but doctor and cop stop her. Drama kidnaps her. Surrounded by cops. He headshots them all GTA style. Clone chases him into the train tunnel. She ices him wicked. Turns out her baby is the DNA of her dead husband but really the Dr lied.

2 stars. Pretty bad. Acting is quite atrocious and grating at times. Whatever. Tonight, we sit outside and pray for the cold to come in the "Dead of Winter".

-jr

Night 21: The Invitation
Night 20: The Dark Hours
Night 19: A Darker Reality
Night 18: Mum & Dad
Night 17: Midnight Movie
Night 16: Wreckage
Night 15: Primal
Night 14: The Relic
Night 13: The Rig
Night 12: Leviathan
Night 11: Unknown
Night 10: Die
Night 9: Choose
Night 8: Silent House
Night 7: The Awakening
Night 6: Kill Theory
Night 5: Creep Van
Night 4: Terror Trap
Night 3: Scary or Die
Night 2: Child's Play 2
Night 1: Curse of the Puppet Master

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Creature Feature Creature Feature Night 21: Invitation


Well we finally reached it. Went from hero to zero. "The Invitation" is the movie that broke old -jr. It is unwatchable, completely boring, horribly acted, a payday for Lance Henriksen, and a lame ass plot.


There isn't even a trailer on youtube for this peice of shit.

Lance Henriksen invites a bunch of nobody's over and poisons them to get them to share their deepest darkest secrets. Once they tell their secrets they are supposedly reborn. Lame. Nothing fucking happens. Complete waste of time.

1 star. Seriously stay away. Next up is "Misbegotten".

-jr

Night 20: The Dark Hours
Night 19: A Darker Reality
Night 18: Mum & Dad
Night 17: Midnight Movie
Night 16: Wreckage
Night 15: Primal
Night 14: The Relic
Night 13: The Rig
Night 12: Leviathan
Night 11: Unknown
Night 10: Die
Night 9: Choose
Night 8: Silent House
Night 7: The Awakening
Night 6: Kill Theory
Night 5: Creep Van
Night 4: Terror Trap
Night 3: Scary or Die
Night 2: Child's Play 2
Night 1: Curse of the Puppet Master

Monday, October 21, 2013

Creature Feature Creature Feature Night 20: The Dark Hours


Man, "The Dark Hours" was the best one yet. Well written, well produced and a twist that came out of left field. Kinda goes batshit crazy like some of those South Korean movies.




Chick is a head shrinker in a nuttery for rapists. Goes up to the family cabin with hubby and semi adopted daughter. Young kid shows up and kills the dog. Shit starts going crazy. Old patient shows up and starts playing different games with them. Fucked up shit. Things progress for awhile and then everything flips.

4.5 stars. Like I said, best yet. Tonight you're invited. Did you receive "The Invitation"?

-jr

Night 19: A Darker Reality
Night 18: Mum & Dad
Night 17: Midnight Movie
Night 16: Wreckage
Night 15: Primal
Night 14: The Relic
Night 13: The Rig
Night 12: Leviathan
Night 11: Unknown
Night 10: Die
Night 9: Choose
Night 8: Silent House
Night 7: The Awakening
Night 6: Kill Theory
Night 5: Creep Van
Night 4: Terror Trap
Night 3: Scary or Die
Night 2: Child's Play 2
Night 1: Curse of the Puppet Master

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Creature Feature Creature Feature Night 19: A Darker Reality


"A Darker Reality" is easiest the most brutal movie so far in the Creature Features this month. It's right up there with "Antichrist". It is kind of a "Saw" rip off but may more focused on the torture aspect. Alot of the dialog is improvised and Daniel Baldwin is a complete goofball when he is constantly overacting.




Daniel Baldwin keeps a stable of bitches chained up to bang/murder/ torture. A cop and a head shrink are on the hunt. Murder murder murder kill kill kill. Still on the hunt. Bitches get wise and try to escape. Baldwin nopes it and hatchets them all. Then he burns them up destroying all evidence. He shows up and kidnaps the head shrinker.

3 stars. Like I said, fucking brutal movie. The acting was pretty dreadful, but hey, it's a budget flick. Next up, we wait until it's really dark to watch "The Dark Hours".

-jr

Night 18: Mum & Dad
Night 17: Midnight Movie
Night 16: Wreckage
Night 15: Primal
Night 14: The Relic
Night 13: The Rig
Night 12: Leviathan
Night 11: Unknown
Night 10: Die
Night 9: Choose
Night 8: Silent House
Night 7: The Awakening
Night 6: Kill Theory
Night 5: Creep Van
Night 4: Terror Trap
Night 3: Scary or Die
Night 2: Child's Play 2
Night 1: Curse of the Puppet Master

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Creature Feature Creature Feature Night 18: Mum & Dad


"Mum & Dad" is seriously fucked up. Take the family from "House of 1000 Corpses", make them British, and have them kidnap people to make them part of the family.




Girl gets kidnapped by friend and friend's brother at work. Wakes up and is getting the shit tortured out of her. New mom and dad keep fucking with her to brainwash and make her part of the family. Weird cutting and sex stuff. Real messed up.

4 stars. This is the first movie that actually creeped me out. It's pretty sick but hey, isn't that what Halloween is all about? Tonight, we shut off the lights and try to find "A Darker Reality".

-jr

Night 17: Midnight Movie
Night 16: Wreckage
Night 15: Primal
Night 14: The Relic
Night 13: The Rig
Night 12: Leviathan
Night 11: Unknown
Night 10: Die
Night 9: Choose
Night 8: Silent House
Night 7: The Awakening
Night 6: Kill Theory
Night 5: Creep Van
Night 4: Terror Trap
Night 3: Scary or Die
Night 2: Child's Play 2
Night 1: Curse of the Puppet Master

Friday, October 18, 2013

Creature Feature Creature Feature Night 17: Midnight Movie


What is "Last Action Hero" was a horror slasher movie confined to a movie theatre? You would get "Midnight Movie"



Bunch of people are seeing a midnight showing of an old cult slasher flick from the 70s. Backstory is the guy that made it flipped out and started killing everyone IRL. He was committed and there was a mass killing at the looney bin and hiss body was never found. Start movie. People go to piss or get popcorn or whatever. Movie shows them getting killed. Everyone still in the theatre thinks it's a prank. Cop says that's real blood. Everyone loses shit. Killer starts offing them one by one. Only girl and little bro left. They get sucked in the movie. Torture scenes and what not. Girl and little bro start to escape. Only little bro makes it out.

3 stars. It was obviously a very low budget production. There weren't really any pacing issues. The acting was a bit mediocre. Definitely worth a watch. Tonight join the family and I to see "Mum And Dad".

-jr

Night 16: Wreckage
Night 15: Primal
Night 14: The Relic
Night 13: The Rig
Night 12: Leviathan
Night 11: Unknown
Night 10: Die
Night 9: Choose
Night 8: Silent House
Night 7: The Awakening
Night 6: Kill Theory
Night 5: Creep Van
Night 4: Terror Trap
Night 3: Scary or Die
Night 2: Child's Play 2
Night 1: Curse of the Puppet Master

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Creature Feature Creature Feature Night 16: Wreckage


I picked "Wreckage" out over other suggestions because it had Aaron Paul in it. He was in 5-6 scenes maybe. It must have been a quick cash grab while "Breaking Bad" was on season break.




2 boys are getting hassled by mom's drug dealer boyfriend when watching cartoons. 1 boy shoot DDBF and mom right between the eyes. Zoom into the future. 4 friends like racing peice of shit nova against a lambo. Nova pops a gasket. Hey let's steal one from the local dump. People start dying. Call the cops. More people dying. Turns out the killer was Aaron Paul.

2 stars only because the sheriff overacted and kept yelling cop cliches which were hilarious. Phoned in plot. Callable Shamamlamadingdong plot twists. All in all lousy. Stay up with me late oh so late to night to watch "Midnight Movie"

-jr

Night 15: Primal
Night 14: The Relic
Night 13: The Rig
Night 12: Leviathan
Night 11: Unknown
Night 10: Die
Night 9: Choose
Night 8: Silent House
Night 7: The Awakening
Night 6: Kill Theory
Night 5: Creep Van
Night 4: Terror Trap
Night 3: Scary or Die
Night 2: Child's Play 2
Night 1: Curse of the Puppet Master

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Top Ten Girls Who Look Like Boys

Sometimes girls can look like boys.  Here are a few examples:


Top Ten Girls Who Look Like Boys


10.  Hilary Swank





9.  Michelle Williams



8.  The Bug



7.  Carrie Mulligan



6.  Nicole Neal



5.  The Chick from the Satin Peaches



4.  Emily Browning



3.  Tilda Swinton



2.  My Girl Miley



1.  Sky Ferreira




From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

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