JCM's Mega Summerslam Detroit Preview

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Hey all, Metro here with your official, all immersive, Summerslam 2023 preview. We here at the Lavender Blog try to be wide ranging in all of our entertainment coverage, so occasionally we leave the boring, stagnant, local scene alone and dip our toes into other pop culture activities. Today, it is pro wrestling. Everyone who has followed us knows that we have always been fans of wrestling. We even had a theme show with Superbomb where -jr was Goldust and I, CM Punk, where we retired Superbomb sending Greg Aubrey into a tailspin of cuckolding, photography, and wokeness. You're welcome Detroit. So, if pro wrestling is not your thing, feel free to click off, but not before buying the second novel, "Make Up Something" which can be found here:

                                                       Make Up Something

   For those still remaining, Summerslam is the WWE's 2nd biggest PPV/PLE of the year, and this year it is taking place from our beloved melting pot enclave of Detroit. In addition to the show this Saturday, 8pm, at Ford Field, the weekend is filled with opportunities to spend ridiculous amounts of money, maybe support some local restaurants and bars, and maybe rub some shoulders with a few Superstars. Seth Rollins and Rhea Metro will be at Great Lakes Crossing out in the Podunk boonies on Friday, Cody Rhodes and Liv Morgan-Metro will be at Ford Field also on Friday for a food drive. Cost is $150 to volunteer your time. There will also be a Taylor Swift inspired merch caravan set up all weekend starting today through Sunday near Comerica which will have free meet and greets (Omos, Bronson Reed, Emma Metro, and other not on the card). I bet you could even run into the Brooklyn Brawler, but he may just be in town to get cheap weed and "fluff" that possible drug dealing Greatest Wrestling Collector goober (spoiler, most of his crap are actually replicas).

   In addition to Summerslam, this Saturday features the Tigers playing the Tampa Rays for Fiesta Tigres and a Miggy jersey giveaway, and Smokey Robinson playing the Fox for probably the last time, no jinxies. There is also Oppenheimer in legit 70mm IMAX at the Michigan Science Center. So, by all means, get out and have some fun, but good luck finding reasonable parking. Plus I'm sure that the Whiskey Charmers and Satori Circus are playing six shows all on the same night, but if you've seen one, you've seen them all, right?

   Now you're probably think, "This is a perfect opportunity for a vintage Metro/Kentucky Pete get into trouble, cause a scene, and get kicked out," post. I agree. However, this is not the case so you just get a preview and predictions. The reason?

   I call Kentucky Pete on his burner phone using my burner phone.

   "You going to Summerslam this Saturday?" I ask.

   "Hold on. I'm at Walgreens working on photo stuff. I can't concentrate because the stooge at the photo area keeps pestering. There are tits everywhere!"

   "Tits? I though you said you were at Walgreens. If you went to Henry VIII's without me I will be so pissed. Did I tell you about the one time -jr, Wang, and I went there and I got two...."

   "No, I am at Walgreens I said. I'm working on this photo project. Do you know who Sydney Sweeney is? Oh screw it, I'm heading outside," K Pete mutters.

   "Okay, hurry up. I think Sweeney is an actress, this real hardbody," I reply.

   "Okay, I'm outside, no go on Summerslam this year. I'm pretty broke, hence this Sydney Sweeney photo ploy."

   "I'm broke too, so I'm not going either. Since I have you on the line, how about we do a preview then?" I ask, lonely.

   "Ahhhh man, I don't even know about any of these matches, man. I can give you my picks, but you'll have to do the breakdowns."

   "Hey dude, don't mention me and breakdowns in the same sentence, but okay, let's roll," I reply, and then we roll.

JCM's Summerslam Detroit Preview

Ronda Rousey vs. Shayna Baszler (MMA Rules)-

Metro-  All signs point to Rousey finishing up her WWE run soon and even maybe going back to MMA, which I think would be a mistake. The women fighting today are miles above the cupcakes that Rousey padded her record with in her UFC days. You would think that Ronda loses on her way out, but if she is intent on going back to MMA a loss in a scripted fight doesn't look that good. They could give her a win as a "Thank You". My Pick: Shayna Baszler. Give the win to someone who wrestles every week and is staying with the company.

K Pete- Baszler with the win. No doffs.

Logan Paul vs. Ricochet-

Metro-  Logan Paul is not a very good person who would do anything to get hype and attention. So I like him. Plus he backs it up, even better. Ricochet is one of the most athletic on the roster, so this is guaranteed to be zero to 50 from the start. Word is that Logan requested that this match go on first so he can fly out to his brother, Jake Paul's, fight against Nate Diaz later that night. So I expect this one to be quick, which sucks because I think they could have a crazy ten minute match. My Pick: I'm going with the JCM of the WWE Logan Paul.

K. Pete- I'm sipping my boosted Prime energy drink and sticking with Logan Paul.

Gunther vs. Drew McIntyre (Intercontinental Title)-

Metro-  I really dig Drew McIntyre. Seems like a good dude with a great look, and puts on consistently good matches. But word is that his contract is almost up, and Gunther is around a few months away from breaking the Honky Kong Man's IC title record. I think this will be hard hitting and as real of a fight you will see on this show. Both guys will be sore on Sunday, but My Pick: Gunther will still have the title.

K. Pete-  Gunther

Slim Jim Summerslam Battle Royale-

Metro-  This is the traditional "get everybody on the show" match, but it is also a curse. Whoever wins a major PPV battle royale disappears. Matt Hardy, Big Show, Cesaro to the secondary AEW, Baron Corbin to NXT, Mojo Rawley to nowhere. I know everybody is pushing for LA Knight to win, but that could be the worst thing that could happen to him. Let him make it to the end but get tossed just to make the fans want to see him win even more. My Pick: Anyone but LA Knight. Let's go with Omos.

K. Pete-  I'm going chalk on this one. LA Knight.

Seth Rollins vs. Finn Balor (World Title)-

Metro-  This one is tough to call. The Judgement Day faction is the hottest in wrestling right now, but Balor is the coldest part. Rhea Metro and Dominik Mysterio are heat magnets, and Damien Priest has the Money in the Bank briefcase. Then again you have Seth, who is trying to make the World title legit (good luck). My Pick: Seth retains the title, Balor is booted from Judgement Day and is replaced by....Bray Wyatt.

K. Pete- A swerve! No Money in the Bank cash in yet. I'm picking Rollins in a match that will set the record for interference.

Cody Rhodes vs. Brock Lesnar-

Metro-  This will be their third match. They are both 1-1 so this will probably be the end of the feud. There was a stipulation teased but it was never announced. I am looking forward to this but I think it will just be a "match". Cody has a new documentary out, and Brock has enough cache to take a loss so... My Pick: Cody Rhodes

K. Pete.-  Cody

Asuka vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Bianca Belair (Women's title)-

Metro-  This match has pretty much the worst build up on the show so my interest is not very high. One of the three interferes in another of the three's matches and costs them the match. Rinse and repeat for a month. All three are talented and could put on a banger of a match, but I really don't care. My Pick: Charlotte Flair in a not quite upset, upset.

K. Pete- Charlotte Flair. Botched boob job. Not a doff.

Roman Reigns vs. Jey Uso (Universal Title/Tribal Chief)-

Metro-  This angle has been the best and hottest in wrestling in years, and it is felt like it has gone on for years (it has). I'm not going to recap 2 years worth of story here, but basically Roman has been at the top of the food chain for over 1000 days, nearing Hulk Hogan's modern record. He has beat everybody put in front of him, usually needing help from his cousins the Uso's. Now his cousin is fighting him for the title and the title of "Tribal Chief". There are way too many intangibles to list here that include the other Uso, Paul Human, Sami Zayn, and others. Expect a boring 15 minutes of punches and clotheslines followed by another 15 minutes of full on great match/storytelling. So basically, a typical Roman Reigns match, and because it is a Roman Reigns match... My Pick: Roman Reigns via shenanigans. Although, all bets are off if The Rock shows up. I just don't see a tag team wrestler winning the title. If Roman loses I hope they have all living members of the Samoan bloodline to carry him off like the Predator in Predator 2.

K. Pete- Roman Reigns is not losing to Jey Uso at the 2nd biggest show of the year.

   So that's it. If I'm not mistaken, both me and Kentucky Pete have the exact same picks for every match but the battle royale. So much for expert analysis. To everybody going downtown for the big fight or any other event, the main idea is to just have fun. Do it. Do it safe, but not too safe because that's boring. Thanks for letting me nerd out for a bit. Detroit really doesn't get big events like this. I'll be back to ripping on local events and fests shortly. Until then, buy the book. Link is up there^^^^^

As I lay down I am buzzed awake by a notification from K. Pete along with a most excellent photo of this Sydney Sweeney girl, so I try masturbating but I can't climax because all I can think of is when Randy Orton will return...

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro