Hamtramck Music Fest Day 1 Review-Friday

 From the National Affairs Desk-

Where were you when the fun stopped?

This one is going to be tough. It is 6am and the sun has yet to come up and I am writing this post by keyboard rather than my usual way of longhand, then typing it up which means it is going to lack my usual style. This should tell you a lot.

   Main Day 1, Friday of Hamtramck Music Fest is in the books, and I have very mixed feelings about it. I'm actually very depressed to be honest. I have been going to these things since they were Blowout's as far back as 2007 and (this is chilling) this is the very first year that I didn't have fun. Don't get me wrong, the acts I saw (more on that later) were more or less pretty good, but there was something missing, something far worse than where the 20% of profits are going. Okay, maybe not that bad ho ho ho. I have no intention of turning this into a narrative so I will just toss up some bullet points of notes and things I recall.

- I was in a hurry from the start because despite my creative output I am lazy by nature and had to rush to the Fed Ex joint to print up my "Metro For Sheriff" HamFest exclusive flyers. They were packed so I used my Metro Times press pass (which I was already wearing) to cut in line stating it was an emergency and things were actually off to a good start. It felt like old times, as recent as last month times, even though I was riding solo for now.

- I tried to get somebody, anybody to take the sidekick role that has benefitted so many of these write-up's in the past, but nothing was working...

Wang- "Family stuff."

Kentucky Pete- "Sorry, I'm double booked."

E First- "I have the Bug." (The lack of clarification was especially ominous).

-jr- "I will not be at this event."

- The ride to the splendid enclave of Hamtramck was uneventful, which could have been seen as a warning. I had negotiated to play tambourine along with E First with two of the acts listed, but then E First got sick. I also had negotiated to play a pop-up DJ/performance set at one of the venues. None of this happened because this is the game that moves as you play. For posterity, here is the setlist for the aborted DJ/JCM performance.

I actually found an okay place to park down the street from Polish Sea League within walking distance of Baker's and Whiskey in the Jar. This will be my HQ. I took this time to set up my Metro For Sheriff Flyer with bonus wristbands for a scavenger hunt that I was planning for Day 2, Saturday. This was also aborted.

I decided to declare myself an early winner of the aborted JCM scavenger hunt I had planned and crudely tape one of the bootleg wristbands on and decide to check out the scene at Polish Sea League. Nothing was cooking so I took the time to roam around. I ran into Lee M. who gave me a thumbs up, a small victory, and Record Store Kid who was warm but distant. I ended up spending more time than expected flirting with the door girl who could have been my type and she playfully locked the door saying "You can't leave now", so I didn't leave, and I said, "What if somebody wants to come in?" and she said, "I don't know about that," an invitation or foreshadowing... and she asked what the dark black marker writing was on my hand (It said "Don't set the backpack down") and I replied, flirting back, "You'll never know". I think she was supposed to be checking wristbands as people came in. She asked about the bag of vegetables I was carrying. I shrugged it off pretending to not hear her. At that point JSB walked in. Oh boy. I tried to make a joke saying, "Oh this guy's my dealer," and he joked back, "Yeah, I have all the goods," and then I said I had to check out for a bit and she chirped, "See you soon," and I said, "Okay," and then under my breath, "Don't count on it."

   I made the walk back to the car to make sure it hasn't been stolen and then walked to Whiskey in the Jar. On the way, while looking for places to buy low alcohol beer (there were none) a group of three kids jumped in front of me, probably around 8 or 9 years old.

   "Three dollar hamburger in there," they said pointing at a diner (?) I didn't bother to note.

   "Three dollar hamburger!!!" this time louder, and I had a serious case of deja vu so I backed away for a second and then realized that they reminded me of the "Bubblegum Gang" from the Hostel movies, so I take out my pack of Dentine Fire and call out "Bubblegum!" and they all start laughing and then run back into the diner. This would end up being the most surreal moment of my experience so stop reading if you're into that.

   I end up at Whiskey as Bitchcraft were playing. They were okay. I wanted to hate them based on my research but they were solid. I would say their musical acumen is on par with mine.

What's going on in the background there? Yikes! 

After that Vellows began setting up. I vaguely recognized one of the guitar players but couldn't place him. I pulled aside some local music guy that I kind of know because I knew this would stress me out.

   "That guy with the guitar. He was in that one band with the guy who died," I say, a perfect conversation starter if there ever was one.

   "Yeah, Love Meets Lust I think. I don't remember the name of the guy who died though," the reply.

   "Yeah, that's the band. He's a good dude," I reply ignoring the second half because I also don't remember the name of the guy who passed and this chills me to no end, depresses me, frustrates me, and I have a feeling that there will be no fun tonight.

   Vellows was great. I really enjoyed their two guitar set up. The songs were tight. I have no complaints.

Jump, flash, cut and I am back at Polish Sea League. The door girl (who might be in love with me) is chatting with these two old Hamtramck drunks. Typical. She tells them that her name is Bethany, but then says Bridget. She keeps changing her name. She could be a character in my debut novel "The Invisible People" which will be available next week! While Vulgars are setting up, I take the time to set up the Jesus Chainsaw Suck-Off stand. After setting it up I take it down because I realize I am not having any fun. I catch some of Vulgars. Once again, also good. This was advertised as their final show which stressed me out because I had never heard of them before.

 I jogged back to the Silver Hornet to drop off the produce, cut to Polish Sea League to see my next ex-wife, who wasn't there, a warning.

I am at Polish Thing League and set up the JCM Vegetable Suck-off table but after I set up the table and was ready to rumble, I just got even more depressed and aborted that too.

This is when the bottom drops out. I race back to Baker's. It turns out White Bee, who could probably be my best friend

is no longer playing and was replaced by....wait for it......Deastro. Yeah, the same Deastro who JCM beat for Best Electronic (haha) music artist in 2009 and spends his days complaining about capitalism and working. While at Baker's I am finally "made" by the meathead security goon.

   "That is a paper wristband," he says as he rips it from my hand.

   "I won it in a contest. Talk to them. I got it from a pimp a block over."

   "You have to leave," he says, brain dead.

   "Okay, but I just want you to know that I have twenty more. Have a good one!"

   Things were beginning to unravel so I jog back to Whiskey and then jog back to Polish Sea and then take the Silver Hornet to Checkers to eat for old times sake. I thought about popping into the New Dodge for old times sake but I really wanted to catch the Burn Maralago set at the Moose Lodge because I had taken the time to make a special sign just for them

I find a decent parking spot, crush my last low alcohol beer, get ready for fun fun fun.

Wait no. The Moose Lodge is closed. They are not hosting the Hamtramck Music Fest. Okay, let's transition from "lighthearted, though depressing, review" to "pissed review".

What the fuck. An entire venue cancels and there was zero notification made. I drove from my good parking spot, supporting multiple local venues and bands, tipping very well, to a place that had been promoted as hosting acts only to find out it was closed. I'm sorry, but anybody who is offering me "cute" $100 bets about the integrity of HMF needs to pay up and pay up now. $100. Right fucking now. A venue that is STILL on their $10,000 PR budget website was closed. I fucking sat outside and took photos of people walking up to the door and walking away. I won't post them because they are strangers. Inexcusable. I literally sat across the street eating my Checkers watching people drive up, park, walk up, then drive off. Nothing on their cheapjack Facebook page and nothing on their DONATED cheapjack website. Inexcusable. 

So here I am sitting in the car, trading messages from Elizabeth First ("What have you done? I'm all for it. Wow. How could they not say an entire venue cancelled? Worst festival ever." ) and Sebastian Owl ("Cosmic Light Shapes were the only act to reference the venue change. Moved to Ant Hall at 9:30. No reason why."). Perfect, and so typical. So what happened to the Adam Padden Band at 9:30? Playing in an alley? Did they drop out too?

I needed to start a new paragraph because I just wanted to emphasize that an entire venue cancelled, a venue that is kind of on the outskirts, and zero communication was made via the HMF website ($10k of the promotion account, but donated) or their FB page (free). Inexcusable. I do want to note that they had extra door people this year (how much were they paid??), which I applaud because who wants to let anybody in for free right? They all were wearing HamFest tshirts, the kind they were selling at HMF HQ (Is that closed yet?). Except their T-shirts had "Security" printed on the back. I need me one of those. Count on it...

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Polish Sea League Girl- Call Me

Dr. Bryan Metro

#metroforsheriff

JCM Secret Show at HamFest + Metro for Sheriff

* Update- For some reason I am still on the HMF's mailing list and I received this gem today from their website (donated by Yodi btw). Some interesting takeaways from it.

-I went ahead and corrected the "all proceeds" to "20% of the proceeds" to avoid even more confusion.

- Also what does "benefit music education" even mean? Can we get even more vague?

- "Some venues are cash only". Hey! Great idea to include which venues are cash only so that people, like, would know.

- Also, there is no clarification on which venues require vaccination status. That should go over well as well.

- Also, This e-mail is the first mention I've seen of shuttle buses running for the Fest. Where are the drop off spots? The last thing I want is for my tambourine player to be waiting around a venue for a bus that's never coming, or worse, just drives by, and gets gang banged by a bunch of waterheads.

   These yahoo's really need to get on the same page or at least fire whoever is running the website/mailing list and taking a part of the 60 % of the "Production Tab".

So I would like to pick a number out of a hat, let's say $100, and let's double it to $200, and I will take over the "production" of the website to ensure that everybody maximizes their HMF experience. Because, despite my "roasting", I really do believe that the bands need the exposure, especially after the pandemic which saw the local music scene decimated. What the Fest needs is somebody with an established site and constant fanbase to get behind it and really work on the marketing & promotion of the Fest. Metro Times has left it dead in the water. There is no more Real Detroit. Milo is still jacking off to the Millions of Brazilians. So why not take some of the 60%/10k Production costs and give me my $200 and I will fix everything? It really is a no-brainer, but then again that seems to be the trend. Now let me get back to the latest song I am working on, "Was Queen Kwong Really Worth It?"

 From the National Affairs Desk-

It is 2pm and I am finally waking up, sick to the gills, STILL, from wandering around the Sheraton Novi waiting for Kentucky Pete last weekend for that horror convention (which you can read about here), and it was lawn crew day to boot. Even worse, I check my phone and see a message from Elizabeth First, that spider, who I haven't talked to in weeks, and was actually going to call in a wellness check but didn't because people like us live forever, and the message said, "Just to let you know, I voted for you to be the Wayne County Sheriff," and things like this are always the way things start to begin.

   Jump, flash, zoom, cut to the present and me and Kentucky Pete, the Wizard, are at this Walgreens where he has sent in an order for "Bryan Metro for Sheriff" posters that we can populate the Hamtramck Music Fest with. As expected the posters were not ready, the order actually cancelled, and K Pete starts waving around a butter knife hissing at the staff and just like that he is banned from yet another Walgreens and things like this are always the way things start to begin.

   Slow dissolve, and me and K Pete are at another Walgreens and everything goes smooth and as we are walking to the car I actually take the time to apologize to him that things weren't as exciting as they could have been. While heading back, I receive a text, the first in a series that just may make things interesting.

   "JCM should play after the last act at [REDACTED] on Friday or Saturday," the text said, and it caught my attention. I assume this was for the Hamtramck Music Fest so I reply, "Sure. Whatever's right," and contact the crew. The results were painfully predictable:

   "I will not be at this show," -jr.

   "I sold the bass. You know this," Wang Yellowbone

   "             " Peter the Freshman

   "In the desert," The Indian

   "I have Friday off. Maybe we can protest the actual Fest during the set. Make sure to bring the tambourine, blood, and my clothes from the last, final show," E First, of course...

  So it was decided. JCM, secret show, 12:45/1am, secret venue, Hamtramck Music Fest. This actually inconveniences me because it cuts in to my "Metro for Sheriff" campaign. The next thing to do was make a flyer.

Then after that, I made some more flyers. If Big Chicken can have a Cucumber Suck Off then JCM can as well, so in addition to hearing some really cutting edge, trendy, but not too hip that it's not hip, music, all the ladies out there now have an opportunity to actually make some money from this!! And you will know where that 20% is going baybay. Lisa J, I'm looking at you.

After the cucumber suck off flyer I decided to make some more. If anything's worth doing, it's worth doing right.

Jump, zoom, flash, cut to the present and things have started to spiral even more. I receive a message that Nique Rhodes & the NLR Experience have dropped out of the Fest due to some concerns. 

This kind of sucks because they were one of my more favorable reviews in my preview. Initially I wanted to message them, "Integrity is a dying art. You are now doomed," but then I thought about scrapping the secret show and offering JCM as a replacement. Or maybe keeping the secret show and doing both. Or even replacing Nique, keeping the secret show, and still doing another, a Second!, secret show on Saturday. The possibilities were literally endless. At the end I decided to let others get the "rub" of playing for free. Namely, the legendary Blues Brothers of Central New York. These skullcrackers have been around forever, and don't really have the public eyes that they should have. Yes, I know what you are thinking, "These two yahoo's are based out of Central New York. Why should they be allowed to play in our hallowed enclave of Hamtramck, MI??" Well, hear me out. That didn't stop HMF from booking the famous house-flipper Queen Kwong a few years ago. Trying...trying...trying not to post the pics for old times sake. So why can't the local music community embrace Jake and Elwood. All the hits. Big time hits. Extra treats. They have yet to respond to my booking notification so I guess just pencil them in for now. I did make a flyer for it though, just in case.

So that's it for now, probably my last preview. I sincerely hope that everybody who does attend has fun, plays it safe, safe as milk, and supports the acts that are performing as Nique alluded to above. They are all doing this for free. Full disclosure- I have never had a bad time at a HamFest, and you can trust me. Don't forget about that wristband contest. Favorite JCM memory= 1 wristband. Safe as milk. Plus the weather should be nice.

From the Iceman Commeth,

The Boy Next Door,

#metroforsheriff

Dr. Bryan Metro

Hamtramck Music Fest Preview Part 3 M-Zzz

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Okay, let's get this over with. It's been too long already, and like the Fest itself, these posts are actually losing me readers/eyes. As an act of kindness, I am recreating a contest that we did for our first Blowout back in '09. Back then we had an extra wristband to giveaway so we had a contest here. The winner, Mitchell Allen, actually went on to have a decent local music career, even playing last year's HamFest. How time sorts things...

   Anyway, this year, I stopped off at one of the record stores that are pre-selling the wristbands and picked up 7, one for each member of JCM; Dr. Metro, -jr, Wang Yellowbone, Elizabeth First, Peter the Freshman, The Indian, and "Suck", our drummer. Turns out that none of them have any interest in going so now I am stuck with 6 extra wristbands, 7 if I end up dying alone. So if you want one, all you have to do is e-mail or message me your favorite JCM moment and its yours. I will have to make sure you are a real person of course as I have had death threats in the past. The wristband can be mailed or via some type of pre-arranged "Will Call". Your info will obviously be confidential and safe. That's real talk.

   Let's get to the preview! Format remains the same. I look up the act and judge based on appearance. This will be letters M-Z. So far the people of color count is at 13 and Possible Babes at 4 (Yikes!).

Macho- Off to a great start!!

Marq Andrew Speck- Sounds like a hockey player.

Memphis Hawk & the Blind Messengers- One second, you are going to love this...

Memphis Hawk- Yes, Memphis Hawk is booked twice, listed twice on the flyer, and confirmed twice on the schedule. So, if you are one of the acts that applied to play and got the "We received so many submissions we couldn't take everyone" line be sure to take advantage of the wristband contest above and tell Memphis to eat a bag of dicks. Dude has less followers than JCM. Playing 2 sets...

Milk Bath- Look like decent people.

Modus Operandi- Impossible to find because there are like twenty of them. Surprised all 20 aren't booked.

Mystery Math- Found nothing. This is frying my nerves. The big mystery is where the money is going.

N2Submission Ft. The Impaler Ft. Monster Truck- Ah yes, The Impaler. Was Satori Circus booked?

Nick Juno- Wonder if he blah blah blah...

Nique Rhodes- Decent crew. Adding six to the POC tally.

Nvdeem- Dude bears an eerie resemblance to that Greatest Wrestling Collection drug dealer/house flipper (and based on the hand gesture, white supremacist. Wonder how the Godfather feels about that...). Not Nvdeem though, he just seems to be a weedhead.

Origami Phase- Probably nice people.

Palace of Auburn Hills- Stupid name. Dumb trend of local stuff co-opted into a band name that nobody outside of Michigan would care about. The irony, nobody in Michigan cares about them either. I guess the Illitches was already taken.

Paranormal Paratroopers- Look like okay people that play at Small's too much.

Paul Einhaus Arrest- Cool name. Not looking it up.

Permanently Pissed- My nickname in college, post college, every damn day. Oh, the band? Probably nice people. Maybe not.

Phil Profitt & His Fast Fortunes- Oh the jokes to be made if I haven't made them 100 times before in these previews.

Piffle- Did some research and this is the Jah Connery guy from the last preview. Yet Another act that is double booked. You know what to do wristband contest winners.

The Pink 50's- Look like bums.

Poor Player- Ryan Allen side project? Just kidding. Nice people. Next.

Rachel Brooke Band- Hey, its Country White Shag Girl!

Rainbow Room- I never trust an act that has 500 fliers and no photos. Plus, you can never score good coke at the Rainbow Room. However I believe one of the members voted to keep JCM on at the HMF we were booted off of, so they get a pass.

Remnose- Good people. Confirmed.

Ruff Patch- When I first met my ex wife we were both around 23 and it was at a club and we were there with mutual friends and we ended up sleeping together that night after I stole a tie at Meijer at 3am just because I wanted a tie and before we slept together she warned me she wasn't shaved because she wasn't planning on sleeping with anyone that night. The name Ruff Patch reminds me of this memory. As for the band, I have no clue.

Sabbatical Bob- My nickname at every job I've held.

Schedule IV- Finally we have a "Keeper". Also what is wrong with this pic? Hot chick with three Darren McCarty's and Fandango. Actually, makes total sense.

Swartz ET- I see shit like this and I think DJ. Pass.

Scotty Karate- Hippie.

Screw- This is Asian bass player Wang's favorite name from the flyer. "It gets right to the point," was his quote. As for the band. Pass.

Shrinq Mountain- I was intrigued by the name. Nope, generic white dude.

Siamese- So, the Pawn Shop Guy from Pulp Fiction, a Carolin Striho facsimile, Crazy Legs Sal, and a rejected character from Tim & Eric walk into a bar...

Sick Smile- One of my favorite acts on the Fest this year. Actually, all the other year's as well. Decent people who can be witty, which is a bonus. I can't recommend them enough. See you there!

Social Meteor- Seem like good people, but lose points for posting the HMF flyer with "Woohoo, we are going to the Super Bowl of summertime rock!" Oh dear. Either that, or I give up my Crown of Satire.

Sound Tech Band- I'm not looking them up, but I did laugh out loud at the name. I hope they are playing with "Food Truck".

Spacecadet- Seem like good people.

Sros Lords- They used to be on my FB page but aren't anymore. So, pussies.

Slate- Pick a name that is not the same as a cheapjack website.

Steve Harvey Oswald- Ah yes, when you order the Jesus Chainsaw Massacre on Wish. They think they are post-ironic and clever (and will probably update their bio with this), but just have way too much time on their hands to make memes that ultimately fall flat. If Metro and -jr are the Lennon/McCartney of internet trolling, then this act is the Young Bucks (AEW).

The Stick Arounds- Good people. Let's end this.

The Stiff Ones- I chuckled at the name. And then they absolutely terrified me. What the fuck...

Strange Heart- More of the same.

Strength Beyond You- Seem to have a good sense of humor.

Sudden Death Syndrome- I am trying, legitimately trying, but I am coming up with nothing.

Switchblade Vengeance- The letter "S" has made this task next to impossible.

Tart- I think this is the Asian guy from Jason Von Real Estate's band's band. The singer looks too much like Sadie for my liking.

Three Spoke Wheel- I'm slowly losing it.

Tiger Lily- They look happy.

Tino G's Dumpster Machine- This entire post has let me down and should be placed in Tino's dumpster.

Toed- I took time out of my increasingly short life to search for this.

Tony Kasino Family Band- Ah, the dreaded "Family Band". If you like that stuff, you will have fun. I'm not promising anything.

Tony Paris & the Sugarburn- The only reason I am previewing this is because their pic shows somebody that looks like me, could be me, but we all know that they can alter photographs.

Tosha Owens Band- Seem like good people that like to have a good time.

Vellows- Full disclosure- Chris from this band has been passed over so many times for Fests like this even though he has more talent than 75% of the acts playing but the unfortunate detail of not knowing so and so and so and so. That seems to have changed lately as I've seen this act booked more which is good, but also bad because I now hate them because they may have sold their souls. Anyway, thankfully this year his act finally got a nod. I think I've just cursed this set.

Virginia Violet- I tried searching and found around 25 profiles from Onlyfans and City Club rejects. Finally I found the one playing the Fest. Hey, what can I say? I'm a fan. Top fan here. No wonder Queen Kwong split town... Big fan.

Vulgars- Dude, is this another record store kid band? That's five people playing twice. Inhuman. You know what to do wristband winners.

Warhorses- Been around forever. Fall into the category of posting fliers and receiving comments like, "Darn, I'll be out of town."

Werewolves- I'm sure they're good but they look so boring.

The Whiskey Charmers- Been everywhere. Played every Fest. Next.

White Bee- Seems to be a good person. Needs to stay away from step brothers and step dads though. I'm including her on the "Maybe" list because of personality of course.

Wine Stoned Cowboys- They are exactly who you think they are.

The Witches- Boring.

Witchpuncher- Eh, we're almost done. While we wait for the next act, how about another search on Virginia Violet!

The Wonders of the Deep- Didn't find anything. Soon this will be over.

Zilched- Took us to letter "Z" to finally put us at 7 possible babes out of 150 bands playing this thing. I wonder if she plays.....oh shit!!

The Zotz- They all look like they are cosplaying the toxic waste guy from Robocop. And that's it!!

   We're done. This preview was a chore. You have NO idea. I apologize for the over the top misogyny but not really because we're all in character. The final tally of POC I saw was 25 (though there could be more), and the total on possible babes is at 7 (though there could be more. Don't count on it). You figure it out.

   Now to the important stuff. With this preview out of the way you can count on some really wild content moving forward. On the horizon, we have the actual HamFest review, the wristband contest, that'll be bonkers right! Then we have the book release which will be bonkers, and then the Metro For Wayne County Sheriff campaign which will be bonkers. Thanks for slogging through this mess with me. We'll get through it, and have fun doing it. Now is the time to give the people what they want. Trust me. Have I ever lied to you?

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro

 

2022 Hamtramck Music Fest Preview Part 2 E-L

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Well, with an insufferable A through D out of the way, let's get to the next wave, letters E through L. Where we stand right now I have logged a total of four people of color and two possible babes (girl from Checker and I think somebody else). Let's see if we can Up these numbers. The format remains the same. I don't listen to any of the music and just judge based on appearance, as everything should be.

East Side Cleaners- Insert obligatory money laundering joke here.

Electric Huldra- Okay, we are already at letter E and there is an alarming lack of Hardbodies playing this Fest. I long for the days of Darling Imperial. Hunka Chunka.

Electric Six- Ha ha, just kidding. Just a joke for old time's sake. I did look them up and they had a tour scheduled for July and August with the Supersuckers (ha ha) that they canceled without any explanation and their Facebook feed is populated by poor dweebs asking how they can get a refund, but with zero response from the band. Tragically, they had a loss recently as the head of their record label passed away on July 29th, which is a really bad freaking day I can tell you. However they're back in Europe half mourning because their primary source of income may be compromised because nobody buys their shit anymore, and half mourning because their shameless crowdsoursing funds have finally dried up.

Elspeth Tremblay- Looks to be a nice person. Multiple kids though. Deal breaker.

Emile Rivard- Looks like a nice person but chill with the profile pic filters. So passe (pronounced French).

End- Why do bands choose a name that makes it impossible to look up and preview?

Enthusiast- Do they know where the money is going? 

Eric Ripper- Wonder if he knows where the money's going?

The Flipsters- Probably good people.

Forge the Sun- Probably technically sound but I think the singer only owns one t-shirt.

Francis DeCarlo & the Pneumatics- I was going to skip this to save time, but would regret it later if one of the Pneumatics turned out to be a hardbody. So I ended up regretting it now.

Freak Box- Yikes for all the wrong reasons. Also the nickname of my ex in college.

French Method- This would be one of the acts I would need to hear their music to judge and this violates the rules.

Gabriel Brass Band- I wonder if the brass band knows where the money is going...

The Gashounds- I bet there is a body just a few feet away in those bushes....

George Aneed- Ineed to know where the money's going...

Gold Crayon- There really are next to zero hardbodies and we are already on "H".

Hail Alien- Do they know where the money's going?

Hairy Queen- I was going to joke that this is a covert Woodman side project since he's not listed because Woodman can take a joke. Ok, I will. Woodman side project. I didn't even look up the actual act. Watch it be a hardbody.

Hag- I couldn't find anything, so let's go to the "Well"...

I wonder how many underage girls are under that smock...

Handgrenades- If there ever was an act synonymous with HMF (and DIY, and...) it would be this. A bunch of dudes, all white, who have been around forever, running in the hamster wheel of the local, broken, scene. No hardbodies. No minorities. You would think I was at the Woodward Ave. Brewery. This is Hamfest!

Hell Dollars- You'd think one of their 39 followers would have a decent camera.

Holy Profane- Yikes. You'd think he would set up like a FB page or something. Singer songwriter who may have actually mistaken Profane for Profound. Either case. Nope.

The Hourlies- I think this is Record Store Kid's group. Is he still a kid? He's probably as old as me. Anyway, he's a good dude so check it out if you want, even though he's does way too many cooler meet and greets than me (aside from Misty Mundae let me tell you). Which is unfair. My pretty privilege dammit!!

The Idiot Kids- Just re-read the Handgrenades' preview.

J Michael & the Heavy Burden- Heavy burden trying to preview every act while trying to find out where the money's going...

JC & the Disciples- It took me way too long to catch the pun in their name. No more previews at 6am. They look like they are as old as the disciples. 

Jackamo- I saw the name and almost had a freak-out for reasons You'll never know. Anyway, I'm logging two more females to the Tally, taking it to four now. The one on the right; I like her eyes.

Jackson & the Poolsharks- We know who the real sharks are.

Jah Connery- "Whoa, finally a person of color," I initially thought. Whoops. Wrong. Seems like a decent dude though.

Jeremy Porter & the Tucos- Do the Tucos know where the money is going?

The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre- Just kidding! They don't deserve us, though if anybody on the committee had a brain they would know that booking JCM would have people talking about the Hamtramck Music Festival for the first time in probably 4 years.

John Salvage & the New Twenty Saints- I always get this guy confused with that other Hamtramck guy who busted out and cash scammed a few local restaurants. I can't even remember his name. JD? JT? JR? Hell if I know. All the money is probably going to him for his next start-up. Once I am elected Sheriff of Wayne County...but I am getting ahead of myself here.

Joe Kidd & Sheila Burke- I have a feeling they have been to the Spahn Ranch.

Joel Douglas Gray- Wonder if he knows yabba dabba doo...

Jonathan Weir- Will he be bringing back that cringe Bahama show from a few years ago where it came off like somebody just discovered pot and Adult Swim but 20 years too late?

Jonathan Phipps- Look this dude up. I didn't.

Karanjis Soulwater- Sounds like something my midlife crisis ex would try to sell. However, they just added an extra 7 POC to the Tally. Shrewd HMF!

Kat Steih- Seems like a decent person who thinks too much.

Ke Thu- I'm not looking this up.

Killsound- Some dudes playing music.

Knuckledragger- I found multiple acts with this name. Not as original as you thought it would be kiddos.

Ladyship Warship- Finally a band with a female. Looks like Chyna faked her death. As for the DMA, JCM did it first. See above...

Lan's Nam- I wonder if they know where

Lily Livers- Generic.

Lokye- I'm guessing some DJ.

The Lowcocks- Their bio is "sexy and socially conscious elder punks" which means they are the exact opposite of everything you have been told and have a great sense of irony.

LRad- Whatever this is played last year and Still doesn't have a proper, searchable, page. Eat shit.

Lulu Summerfield- I can't find anything about any of these acts and that is crushing the entertainment value of this post.

Well that's it for Part 2, letters E-L. I am guessing nobody is going to read this and that is taking into account the actual acts themselves. Nobody cares. Tune in early next week for the final part, letters M-Z, and I emphasize ZZZZZZZZ. 

From the Iceman Commeth,

The Boy Next Door

Mr. Grinch

#metroforsheriff

Dr. Bryan Metro

When Dreams Turn Into Motor City Nightmares

 Memo from the Sports Desk-

   I wake up, a small victory, and it is Sunday, and I just close my eyes but Sebastian Owl is pestering me on the house intercom from the other side of the JCMsTown Compound, and I...just...can't...get...any...sleep.

   The house communication system was installed by Wang, the Asian bass player, and the only Asian that I know (currently I should say because there was that one girl from 2007 who was a big Dallas Mavericks fan, and worked with me, and wanted to watch the playoffs, so I naturally suggested a hotel, which turned into a motel but whatever, and at the start of the 3rd quarter she tells me she's seventeen). Anyway, the house intercom system that Wang installed is a series of cups connected by some type of high quality electrical cord, or maybe string, and they are everywhere throughout the crawlspaces. Really ominous shit.

   "Are you awake? Alive? You really should go to that Motor City Nightmares convention today," Owl says. I completely forgot it was this weekend. It is already noon. Everybody I know is "out" for it, Kentucky Pete (money), the band (domesticated), E First (in that 'hanging out with boring people' phase). Pointless.

   But then I started thinking. Owl made a great point. I really should go. I've had some great memories at these conventions, my favorite being around 2015 when I was wandering around the very same Motor City Nightmares and ran into partially famous actress/Cinemax babe Misty Mundae (but call me "Erin"). She confessed to me that she was six beers deep (it was 4pm; just my type), and I countered that I was only one behind her, a lie, it was Two. She proceeded to inform me that I was "Okay," a small victory, and that nearly everyone here was "pretty awful"

   "'Nearly' everyone?" I replied and we shared a laugh because I might have been right and even though I was "just okay" I was not completely awful. Naturally, I asked if she wanted another drink which kind of proves there are more ways than one to be completely awful. Actually, if the lights had gone out, but there were still random blacklights, one would have seen my eyes glowing a blood red.

   After getting her (and myself) another drink, I decided to give up looking for my companion at the time, not exactly ditching her, but just a temporary thing. Deal with it, rock and roll. The companion actually would have been into this, but in a trash way, and actually was left out of the equation because, as much as it sucks to say, was inexcusably sort of a boring person. At some point during this entire exchange the vendor next to her said, "She was even worse yesterday," and I kind of felt a tinge of fear and apprehension but that obviously faded into exhilaration, and then [REDACTED]. Later that night during the afterparty she was still wandering around, living it up, tossed me a smile, a drunken wave, and it was 2015 before things stopped being Too Much Fun.

   Flash, jump cut to the present. I race out of the daydream and use the elaborate intercom to tell Owl, "I never asked her if she knew how to play tambourine."

   "What are you talking about?" Owl asks.

   "Nevermind, I'm in. Going solo." And we're off...

   I arrive at the Sheraton Novi as soon as humanly possible, a small victory. I made sure to load up on all of my press passes: Metro Times (ha ha), Hour Detroit, Astronomicon, even last year's Hamtramck Music Festival wristband. During the gap in the narrative, Kentucky Pete said that he would meet me there, but had no intention of going in, which confused me. I decided to give it a test run and get my official Fiend title belt signed by Tom Savini, famous make-up dude, actor, Sex Machine. The title belt was an inexplicable, and very pricy gift from -jr who was probably on a bender at the time. This was an opportunity I could not pass up and had no intention of paying to get in.

   I stop at the main desk. Checkpoint 1. You need to establish yourself if you plan on any type of savage burn. Since it was the last day of the Con, the workers were predictably tired. Perfect.

   "Yep, here all weekend myself," I lie, "Metro Times. Pay is non-existent but it gets me to cover things like this," I half-lie as I wave the bogus press passes around. The Metro Times one is even modified to include "Dr. Bryan Metro", the "Dr" being just one more middle finger in a sea of middle fingers. It gets me in everywhere, and every day I chuckle. Thanks a lot fucko's!

Once inside I spend way too much time being an awful human being but as an unofficial employee of the Metro Times, I can write it off.

   After a few minor distractions, I head over to Savini and hit the home run. (Cracking up at the press pass).

On cue, I get a message from Kentucky Pete that he is almost there so I race out back to the car. Even though it is only $20 on Sunday, the same price as a worthless Hamtramck Music Festival wristband, you have to understand that sneaking yourself in is one task, but dragging this guy in, who obviously does NOT work for Metro Times is going to be a challenge. I take a hit of acid and try to time everything perfectly. Don't bet on it.

   K Pete arrives with a grab bag of Fun and we decide the best bet would be to get completely primed, and for me to keep the Metro Times bootleg press pass because I have already been "established" and that he use the Hamtramck Music Festival wristband which is not the same color as the Sunday bands. No issue because we modify it.

   There are probably three staffers working the entrance, not counting the people at the main desk who already know me. I break out the cell phone which has actually been dead for two hours, and pretend to have the infamous "fake argument" with my boss (ha ha) at the Metro Times and we just blow right in. After a few seconds of cackling and bumping into people, we make our way back to Savini so Kentucky Pete can get his official mask signed which he brought despite saying he had no intention of going.

   At this point, K Pete was predictably twisted and every time Savini asked him a question it was met with, "Yabba Dabba Doo!". We split that scene as people started to notice and ask questions and then really got to work. As expected, it was a mess. We must have knocked over four displays, not being assholes, actually charming, but the damn title belt kept swinging into things. After the convention Kentucky Pete said he was keeping count of how many total strangers I said, "Hey, great time. Whatever's right," to. He counted 46. At one point, K Pete had his sights set on a custom Michael Myers figure, a really beautiful piece.

   "That is one beautiful piece," I say, daring him, knowing we are both low on money.

   "I'd love to have it," he replies.

   "Just take it," I say, "Just walk the fuck out with it. Who's going to stop you? We're with the Metro Times. They can just blame them for sending two complete unprofessional psychos to cover this."

   "Hey man, you always say that we're the professionals," he says, thinking about it.

   "That's right. So take it! Let's go. My legs are cramping anyway and my allergies are acting up."

   Instead of boosting the Michael Myers figure Kentucky Pete inexplicable pops the head off of it with his finger as the vendor cringes.

   "Mother fucker, that was an original custom," the vendor yells, maybe even crying.

   "Hold on, I'll hit the ATM. Hold your horses," Kentucky Pete says, and that was when I noticed that he actually pocketed the figure's head.

   "That's an $80 figure," the vendor says.

   "ATM, I said. Be right back," K Pete says, and then under his breath, "Don't count on it."

   As we walk away he admits to stealing the head of the Myers figure so that he can do a scan of it and then make his own figure, and I decide that I need a drink so we head to the make-shift bar . By this time I have changed into one of my alternate outfits because I knew it would be this way and I run into the record store kid.

We finally make it to the make-shift bar and I gasp at the $6 charge for a single soft beer.

   "It's awful man. How they gouge us," K Pete says, eyebrow raised, a dare.

   "Damn right. But these are hard working people," I reply as I place a dollar into the tip jar but bring it back when the waitress is not looking.

   "Shameless man. Totally shameless," K Pete tells me as I watch him dip his hand into the jar and take out $5. He sees me see this.

   "For old time's sake," he says.

   "No! Not old time's! You pull this five spot gimmick every time!"

   "You're no saint," he mumbles.

   "You have at least three figures in your coat. I saw you. Plus that Michael Myers head. That's three figures and a head. In your coat! And who wears a coat in July?" I am frantic.

   "Can't prove it. I'm just a guest of you and the Metro Times. Don't judge me and my coat. I have poor circulation."

   "Good lord. We have snuck in, never paying, and you are already off the rails."

   "Hey man, you're the one with the beer."

   "Fair enough, but you destroyed that poor guy's custom figure..."

   "Accidents happen."

   "Listen, we should just leave while we are ahead. We actually turned a profit from the make-shift bar and you have three figures in your coat. That being said, I'm not ready to leave yet. Let's walk around," I say.

   "I like it. Hunt some slash," as people turn to look when somebody wearing a winter coat in July says something like "Hunt some slash". I look around to see if Misty Mundae is here this year so I can close the deal but she is not, but it's not quite the deal breaker because I will see her again. At this point too many people are following us so we decide to split. Sorry there was no real climax, but here are some other photos. Photo Blog!!

Amazing...personality....

This was probably when things started to unravel. The MT press pass is the gift that keeps on giving. At one point some woman asked, "Oh with Metro Times?" like it meant something bwahahahahaha.

Not....boring.

Jason Voorhees cosplayer eating a pizza in the lobby. He was muttering, "Too fucking hot in this shit. Hot so hot."

With a Silent Hill cosplayer. She could have been a hardbody but now that I look at the pic and her arms being much fitter than mine....concerned.

Here's a peter puffer for the ladies.

Here's a custom Michael mask that must have been from the deleted scene where somebody shit on his face.

Obviously on break from HQ or, even worse, Henry VIII's.

Somebody was actually selling a bag of dicks for $20. I almost scooped it up for Ryan Allen, or Milo, or somebody but not in my budget.

Cracking up at Creeper Kurt Angle in the background. Ahhh shit, it's late. All of the above was composed in the span of 3 hours, so no complaining allowed. I'm tired.

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro