From the National Affairs Desk-
Okay, let's get this over with. It's been too long already, and like the Fest itself, these posts are actually losing me readers/eyes. As an act of kindness, I am recreating a contest that we did for our first Blowout back in '09. Back then we had an extra wristband to giveaway so we had a contest here. The winner, Mitchell Allen, actually went on to have a decent local music career, even playing last year's HamFest. How time sorts things...
Anyway, this year, I stopped off at one of the record stores that are pre-selling the wristbands and picked up 7, one for each member of JCM; Dr. Metro, -jr, Wang Yellowbone, Elizabeth First, Peter the Freshman, The Indian, and "Suck", our drummer. Turns out that none of them have any interest in going so now I am stuck with 6 extra wristbands, 7 if I end up dying alone. So if you want one, all you have to do is e-mail or message me your favorite JCM moment and its yours. I will have to make sure you are a real person of course as I have had death threats in the past. The wristband can be mailed or via some type of pre-arranged "Will Call". Your info will obviously be confidential and safe. That's real talk.
Let's get to the preview! Format remains the same. I look up the act and judge based on appearance. This will be letters M-Z. So far the people of color count is at 13 and Possible Babes at 4 (Yikes!).
Macho- Off to a great start!!
Marq Andrew Speck- Sounds like a hockey player.
Memphis Hawk & the Blind Messengers- One second, you are going to love this...
Memphis Hawk- Yes, Memphis Hawk is booked twice, listed twice on the flyer, and confirmed twice on the schedule. So, if you are one of the acts that applied to play and got the "We received so many submissions we couldn't take everyone" line be sure to take advantage of the wristband contest above and tell Memphis to eat a bag of dicks. Dude has less followers than JCM. Playing 2 sets...
Milk Bath- Look like decent people.
Modus Operandi- Impossible to find because there are like twenty of them. Surprised all 20 aren't booked.
Mystery Math- Found nothing. This is frying my nerves. The big mystery is where the money is going.
N2Submission Ft. The Impaler Ft. Monster Truck- Ah yes, The Impaler. Was Satori Circus booked?
Nick Juno- Wonder if he blah blah blah...
Nique Rhodes- Decent crew. Adding six to the POC tally.
Nvdeem- Dude bears an eerie resemblance to that Greatest Wrestling Collection drug dealer/house flipper (and based on the hand gesture, white supremacist. Wonder how the Godfather feels about that...). Not Nvdeem though, he just seems to be a weedhead.
Origami Phase- Probably nice people.
Palace of Auburn Hills- Stupid name. Dumb trend of local stuff co-opted into a band name that nobody outside of Michigan would care about. The irony, nobody in Michigan cares about them either. I guess the Illitches was already taken.
Paranormal Paratroopers- Look like okay people that play at Small's too much.
Paul Einhaus Arrest- Cool name. Not looking it up.
Permanently Pissed- My nickname in college, post college, every damn day. Oh, the band? Probably nice people. Maybe not.
Phil Profitt & His Fast Fortunes- Oh the jokes to be made if I haven't made them 100 times before in these previews.
Piffle- Did some research and this is the Jah Connery guy from the last preview. Yet Another act that is double booked. You know what to do wristband contest winners.
The Pink 50's- Look like bums.
Poor Player- Ryan Allen side project? Just kidding. Nice people. Next.
Rachel Brooke Band- Hey, its Country White Shag Girl!
Rainbow Room- I never trust an act that has 500 fliers and no photos. Plus, you can never score good coke at the Rainbow Room. However I believe one of the members voted to keep JCM on at the HMF we were booted off of, so they get a pass.
Remnose- Good people. Confirmed.
Ruff Patch- When I first met my ex wife we were both around 23 and it was at a club and we were there with mutual friends and we ended up sleeping together that night after I stole a tie at Meijer at 3am just because I wanted a tie and before we slept together she warned me she wasn't shaved because she wasn't planning on sleeping with anyone that night. The name Ruff Patch reminds me of this memory. As for the band, I have no clue.
Sabbatical Bob- My nickname at every job I've held.
Schedule IV- Finally we have a "Keeper". Also what is wrong with this pic? Hot chick with three Darren McCarty's and Fandango. Actually, makes total sense.
Swartz ET- I see shit like this and I think DJ. Pass.
Scotty Karate- Hippie.
Screw- This is Asian bass player Wang's favorite name from the flyer. "It gets right to the point," was his quote. As for the band. Pass.
Shrinq Mountain- I was intrigued by the name. Nope, generic white dude.
Siamese- So, the Pawn Shop Guy from Pulp Fiction, a Carolin Striho facsimile, Crazy Legs Sal, and a rejected character from Tim & Eric walk into a bar...
Sick Smile- One of my favorite acts on the Fest this year. Actually, all the other year's as well. Decent people who can be witty, which is a bonus. I can't recommend them enough. See you there!
Social Meteor- Seem like good people, but lose points for posting the HMF flyer with "Woohoo, we are going to the Super Bowl of summertime rock!" Oh dear. Either that, or I give up my Crown of Satire.
Sound Tech Band- I'm not looking them up, but I did laugh out loud at the name. I hope they are playing with "Food Truck".
Spacecadet- Seem like good people.
Sros Lords- They used to be on my FB page but aren't anymore. So, pussies.
Slate- Pick a name that is not the same as a cheapjack website.
Steve Harvey Oswald- Ah yes, when you order the Jesus Chainsaw Massacre on Wish. They think they are post-ironic and clever (and will probably update their bio with this), but just have way too much time on their hands to make memes that ultimately fall flat. If Metro and -jr are the Lennon/McCartney of internet trolling, then this act is the Young Bucks (AEW).
The Stick Arounds- Good people. Let's end this.
The Stiff Ones- I chuckled at the name. And then they absolutely terrified me. What the fuck...
Strange Heart- More of the same.
Strength Beyond You- Seem to have a good sense of humor.
Sudden Death Syndrome- I am trying, legitimately trying, but I am coming up with nothing.
Switchblade Vengeance- The letter "S" has made this task next to impossible.
Tart- I think this is the Asian guy from Jason Von Real Estate's band's band. The singer looks too much like Sadie for my liking.
Three Spoke Wheel- I'm slowly losing it.
Tiger Lily- They look happy.
Tino G's Dumpster Machine- This entire post has let me down and should be placed in Tino's dumpster.
Toed- I took time out of my increasingly short life to search for this.
Tony Kasino Family Band- Ah, the dreaded "Family Band". If you like that stuff, you will have fun. I'm not promising anything.
Tony Paris & the Sugarburn- The only reason I am previewing this is because their pic shows somebody that looks like me, could be me, but we all know that they can alter photographs.
Tosha Owens Band- Seem like good people that like to have a good time.
Vellows- Full disclosure- Chris from this band has been passed over so many times for Fests like this even though he has more talent than 75% of the acts playing but the unfortunate detail of not knowing so and so and so and so. That seems to have changed lately as I've seen this act booked more which is good, but also bad because I now hate them because they may have sold their souls. Anyway, thankfully this year his act finally got a nod. I think I've just cursed this set.
Virginia Violet- I tried searching and found around 25 profiles from Onlyfans and City Club rejects. Finally I found the one playing the Fest. Hey, what can I say? I'm a fan. Top fan here. No wonder Queen Kwong split town... Big fan.
Vulgars- Dude, is this another record store kid band? That's five people playing twice. Inhuman. You know what to do wristband winners.
Warhorses- Been around forever. Fall into the category of posting fliers and receiving comments like, "Darn, I'll be out of town."
Werewolves- I'm sure they're good but they look so boring.
The Whiskey Charmers- Been everywhere. Played every Fest. Next.
White Bee- Seems to be a good person. Needs to stay away from step brothers and step dads though. I'm including her on the "Maybe" list because of personality of course.
Wine Stoned Cowboys- They are exactly who you think they are.
The Witches- Boring.
Witchpuncher- Eh, we're almost done. While we wait for the next act, how about another search on Virginia Violet!
The Wonders of the Deep- Didn't find anything. Soon this will be over.
Zilched- Took us to letter "Z" to finally put us at 7 possible babes out of 150 bands playing this thing. I wonder if she plays.....oh shit!!
The Zotz- They all look like they are cosplaying the toxic waste guy from Robocop. And that's it!!
We're done. This preview was a chore. You have NO idea. I apologize for the over the top misogyny but not really because we're all in character. The final tally of POC I saw was 25 (though there could be more), and the total on possible babes is at 7 (though there could be more. Don't count on it). You figure it out.
Now to the important stuff. With this preview out of the way you can count on some really wild content moving forward. On the horizon, we have the actual HamFest review, the wristband contest, that'll be bonkers right! Then we have the book release which will be bonkers, and then the Metro For Wayne County Sheriff campaign which will be bonkers. Thanks for slogging through this mess with me. We'll get through it, and have fun doing it. Now is the time to give the people what they want. Trust me. Have I ever lied to you?
From the Iceman Commeth
The Boy Next Door
Dr. Bryan Metro
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