From the National Affairs Desk-
Well, with an insufferable A through D out of the way, let's get to the next wave, letters E through L. Where we stand right now I have logged a total of four people of color and two possible babes (girl from Checker and I think somebody else). Let's see if we can Up these numbers. The format remains the same. I don't listen to any of the music and just judge based on appearance, as everything should be.
East Side Cleaners- Insert obligatory money laundering joke here.
Electric Huldra- Okay, we are already at letter E and there is an alarming lack of Hardbodies playing this Fest. I long for the days of Darling Imperial. Hunka Chunka.
Electric Six- Ha ha, just kidding. Just a joke for old time's sake. I did look them up and they had a tour scheduled for July and August with the Supersuckers (ha ha) that they canceled without any explanation and their Facebook feed is populated by poor dweebs asking how they can get a refund, but with zero response from the band. Tragically, they had a loss recently as the head of their record label passed away on July 29th, which is a really bad freaking day I can tell you. However they're back in Europe half mourning because their primary source of income may be compromised because nobody buys their shit anymore, and half mourning because their shameless crowdsoursing funds have finally dried up.
Elspeth Tremblay- Looks to be a nice person. Multiple kids though. Deal breaker.
Emile Rivard- Looks like a nice person but chill with the profile pic filters. So passe (pronounced French).
End- Why do bands choose a name that makes it impossible to look up and preview?
Enthusiast- Do they know where the money is going?
Eric Ripper- Wonder if he knows where the money's going?
The Flipsters- Probably good people.
Forge the Sun- Probably technically sound but I think the singer only owns one t-shirt.
Francis DeCarlo & the Pneumatics- I was going to skip this to save time, but would regret it later if one of the Pneumatics turned out to be a hardbody. So I ended up regretting it now.
Freak Box- Yikes for all the wrong reasons. Also the nickname of my ex in college.
French Method- This would be one of the acts I would need to hear their music to judge and this violates the rules.
Gabriel Brass Band- I wonder if the brass band knows where the money is going...
The Gashounds- I bet there is a body just a few feet away in those bushes....
George Aneed- Ineed to know where the money's going...
Gold Crayon- There really are next to zero hardbodies and we are already on "H".
Hail Alien- Do they know where the money's going?
Hairy Queen- I was going to joke that this is a covert Woodman side project since he's not listed because Woodman can take a joke. Ok, I will. Woodman side project. I didn't even look up the actual act. Watch it be a hardbody.
Hag- I couldn't find anything, so let's go to the "Well"...
I wonder how many underage girls are under that smock...
Handgrenades- If there ever was an act synonymous with HMF (and DIY, and...) it would be this. A bunch of dudes, all white, who have been around forever, running in the hamster wheel of the local, broken, scene. No hardbodies. No minorities. You would think I was at the Woodward Ave. Brewery. This is Hamfest!
Hell Dollars- You'd think one of their 39 followers would have a decent camera.
Holy Profane- Yikes. You'd think he would set up like a FB page or something. Singer songwriter who may have actually mistaken Profane for Profound. Either case. Nope.
The Hourlies- I think this is Record Store Kid's group. Is he still a kid? He's probably as old as me. Anyway, he's a good dude so check it out if you want, even though he's does way too many cooler meet and greets than me (aside from Misty Mundae let me tell you). Which is unfair. My pretty privilege dammit!!
The Idiot Kids- Just re-read the Handgrenades' preview.
J Michael & the Heavy Burden- Heavy burden trying to preview every act while trying to find out where the money's going...
JC & the Disciples- It took me way too long to catch the pun in their name. No more previews at 6am. They look like they are as old as the disciples.
Jackamo- I saw the name and almost had a freak-out for reasons You'll never know. Anyway, I'm logging two more females to the Tally, taking it to four now. The one on the right; I like her eyes.
Jackson & the Poolsharks- We know who the real sharks are.
Jah Connery- "Whoa, finally a person of color," I initially thought. Whoops. Wrong. Seems like a decent dude though.
Jeremy Porter & the Tucos- Do the Tucos know where the money is going?
The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre- Just kidding! They don't deserve us, though if anybody on the committee had a brain they would know that booking JCM would have people talking about the Hamtramck Music Festival for the first time in probably 4 years.
John Salvage & the New Twenty Saints- I always get this guy confused with that other Hamtramck guy who busted out and cash scammed a few local restaurants. I can't even remember his name. JD? JT? JR? Hell if I know. All the money is probably going to him for his next start-up. Once I am elected Sheriff of Wayne County...but I am getting ahead of myself here.
Joe Kidd & Sheila Burke- I have a feeling they have been to the Spahn Ranch.
Joel Douglas Gray- Wonder if he knows yabba dabba doo...
Jonathan Weir- Will he be bringing back that cringe Bahama show from a few years ago where it came off like somebody just discovered pot and Adult Swim but 20 years too late?
Jonathan Phipps- Look this dude up. I didn't.
Karanjis Soulwater- Sounds like something my midlife crisis ex would try to sell. However, they just added an extra 7 POC to the Tally. Shrewd HMF!
Kat Steih- Seems like a decent person who thinks too much.
Ke Thu- I'm not looking this up.
Killsound- Some dudes playing music.
Knuckledragger- I found multiple acts with this name. Not as original as you thought it would be kiddos.
Ladyship Warship- Finally a band with a female. Looks like Chyna faked her death. As for the DMA, JCM did it first. See above...
Lan's Nam- I wonder if they know where
Lily Livers- Generic.
Lokye- I'm guessing some DJ.
The Lowcocks- Their bio is "sexy and socially conscious elder punks" which means they are the exact opposite of everything you have been told and have a great sense of irony.
LRad- Whatever this is played last year and Still doesn't have a proper, searchable, page. Eat shit.
Lulu Summerfield- I can't find anything about any of these acts and that is crushing the entertainment value of this post.
Well that's it for Part 2, letters E-L. I am guessing nobody is going to read this and that is taking into account the actual acts themselves. Nobody cares. Tune in early next week for the final part, letters M-Z, and I emphasize ZZZZZZZZ.
From the Iceman Commeth,
The Boy Next Door
Mr. Grinch
#metroforsheriff
Dr. Bryan Metro
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