From the National Affairs Desk-
Well, this Is It. The "Last Ride" with the Hamtramck Music Festival. And by that I mean I'm not doing this anymore. As I mentioned in the previous post, this was the first year that I did not have fun. The bands I saw were good, but I felt something was missing. Don't get me wrong, the bands (who played for free) and the volunteers worked their asses off to make it a respectable festival were disco, but the majority of the people running the deal (most under the name of Question Mark) really botched things this year. Because it is 2022, there will be excuses, passive aggressive pity parties, and deflection. Or they won't refer to anything at all and lay dormant until next year (if you're a gambler, take that bet). As for the show, and the feeling of "something missing", as the best local journalist I made sure to eavesdrop on some conversations and though the people having them seemed happy, they all seemed to be wearing masks and would have been more happy talking about the weather. Before we get to Saturday, as for Sunday, the Vendor Trade Fair at Trixie's sounds cool and fun and I would love some photos of the Rock and Roll Brunch at the PLAV #10. I wonder if Hip in Detroit will be there trying to swap some unused drink tickets. Also, does that Weir dude still do that cringe Bahama thing?
The big thing out of Friday's showcase was that Moose Lodge cancelled the entire event. I actually went there. There was no mention of any cancellation anywhere. Just absolutely mind boggling and inconveniencing for the bands, especially the bands, the venues scrambling to try to fit extra acts on, the volunteers who are as in the dark as we all are, and even the organizers, the one's who have a shred of decency. You would think that with 80% of the proceeds going to "Production, PR, the website, Facebook, security (ha ha), and future funds (ummmmmm ok), there would have been better communication regarding this.
Then today, Saturday, I wake up at 3:30pm to see this direct from their FB:
Okay, now you tell me if they are deliberately fucking with me, taunting, and giving a middle finger to everybody who was planning on going to the Moose Lodge tonight... That blurb was posted around noon on Saturday (I capped it around 7, well after the event started), and as of 7pm, the website had not been updated, nor any mention on their Facebook about the Moose Lodge dropping out. To be fair, as I type this at 5am, the website has been updated, removing Moose Lodge from the schedule. Great job there! Somebody, a live human being, likely being compensated from the 60% of proceeds, posted that. They knew the Moose Lodge was dropping off as far back as early Friday (trust me because I know). Yet, zero mention on their Facebook or donated website, which was never updated with the schedule changes even after they finally removed Moose Lodge late Saturday/early Sunday. And then there's that smug "as things can change". Here are some of the local acts (playing for free) that have been pinballed this weekend:
If anything good comes from this, at least the mystery 20% of "all proceeds" will be going to a good cause, though we will probably never know what that cause is. I would have a decent laugh if the grifters actually donated the 20% to a group that were also grifters and the world caves in on itself. Actually...I wouldn't be surprised, Oh, fuck this. On to the review:
Wang and I arrive to Hamtramck to get a decent parking spot, almost the same one I had on Friday, close to the Polish Sea League and Baker's, and Whiskey in the Jar, and then Elizabeth First arrives with the tambourine which means we now have three tambourines total and we wait for Kentucky Pete who eventually arrives on a chopper, sunburnt, with a portfolio, a fucking Binder, of bootleg Hamtramck Music Festival posters that he was hoping to get signed, along with multiple signed 8X10's (forged) of Kay Parker, Nina Hartley, and TT Boy.
"Do you want to tell him?" I ask Wang.
"What? That he is illegally parked?"
"No, that those posters are worthless," I reply.
"Where are we going? I need a drink," E First asks.
"Aren't you sick?" K Pete asks.
"It's not a big deal. Besides, think of it as me doing the world a big favor."
"Whiskey has an act at 7:30 according to the schedule," I offer.
"The schedule... well that's about as unreliable as you Bryan," Wang says.
"The schedule is about as unreliable as you Wang," K Pete jumps in.
"The schedule is as unreliable as me," E First says, and we all start whooping and hollering, slapping high fives, many high fives, and then we go to Whiskey in the Jar and catch some act called Bourbon Squirrel setting up.
"What's the name of this band?" E First asks as I realize that Kentucky Pete has already disappeared here.
"The fraudulent schedule says this is Bourbon Squirrel, but who knows," I reply.
"Things change!" we all shout and slap high five some more and order another round despite our first round not even touched.
"Damn, I should have worn my squirrel suit. Get in good with the band, y'know. Extra drink tickets! Maybe even play tambourine," E First says, pouting. I remember the squirrel costume well, but not really.
"Okay, I'm already bored," Wang says and logs on to his Draftkings account on his tablet to play Live Dealer Blackjack. I take out the Mojo Wire and do the same.
"It's the wrong time of day to be playing. Everyone is either a weedhead or an amateur. Probably both," Wang mutters.
"I agree, but we could luck into a side bet," I reply as E First takes out her phone and attempts to set up a Draftkings account..
"Use me as a reference," Wang says.
"No, use me as a reference," I repeat, this time a warning. We get back to the game.
"Look at this waterhead dealing. Two cards in a row, he can't flip the card. He has to be high," Wang mutters as he loses $5.
"Maybe they're volunteers," I joke and we all laugh and slap high five. Whatever band that is scheduled for 7:30 starts playing and we leave.
We arrive at Granny's Chandelier to catch 1magine's set just for the irony that he tried to get a local venue shut down (or some pity money, typical), a venue that is hosting the HamFest, and one that hasn't backed out and is accepting acts from the venues that have. I wanted to interview him about his opinions on integrity and why so many weedheads split on twenty, but Wang said there is no good wi-fi here and I see E First take the acid which was always in the cards so we leave and head back to Polish Sea League where we catch the Hourlies, a great set, and we set up out virtual blackjack table.
"Why do these fools always split on twenty?" Wang mutters and this is when -jr pops up on all of our devices.
"What's going on fuck-o's? Wish I could be there but I have better things to do. Anyway, I have a few extra minutes soooooooo, group chat. Top 10 chicks that waited too long to doff it?" This is when things turned sideways.
"Meg Ryan," Wang says almost immediately as he logs off of blackjack after dropping $75. He is not wrong.
"Agree," I say, secretly jealous that he probably got the number one answer so I try to counter with Teri Hatcher, already embarrassed.
"Cindy Crawford," E First says, still playing on her phone.
"Farrah Fawcett," me.
"Britney," me again, trying to save face.
"Neve Campbell," -jr say, a fantastic pick, and I slowly draw blood from scratching at the bootleg wristband.
"Boom! Good one," say, conceding this round, and me and Wang slap high five despite it being -jr's pick.
"Meg Ryan, number one," -jr says, and I can't stop sweating.
"Flapjack titties," Wang says even though it was his pick, the stupid bastard.
"Plastic baggies," -jr replies, obviously in fine form.
"Should have doffed during the Top Gun era," Wang.
"Meg Ryan was not in Top Gun," I say trying to regain some semblance of pride.
"Nahhh, I said the era dude."
"Then just say the 80's pal. Who is going to relate to hearing the Top Gun Era?" I am frantic.
"Top Gun was in the 80's. Rambo as well.," E First chimes in.
"Why not just say the 80's then!" I am losing it.
"Triangles of flesh," E First says circling back to Meg Ryan and we all concede that she won that round. High fives everywhere.
"Well, at least we have the titles of our next four singles," I reply, making a joke, still bitter about being outplayed here so far. At this point we leave and head to Ant Hall to catch the Handgrenades' set (if they haven't been cancelled or dropped out).
We ignore the band playing and get back to arguing, all of us trying to one-up the other.
"I would say Marisa Tomei, but she's still hot. She did wait a while though," Wang starts.
"Hotter with age," -jr.
"Yep. Tomei not on the list," Metro.
"Agree," E First.
"Belinda Carlisle, although her Playboy spread was not bad," I offer, and grin when I see Wang muttering to himself.
"I don't know who that is," -jr says, faking it.
"Lead singer of the Go-Go's," I reply. Silence.
"Sunny. WWF," -jr shouts, obviously pissed at not knowing who Belinda Carlisle is, but still a great call.
"Great call. Could actually be number one," I say.
"Usually, the reverse is true. They doff early on, make it big, then don't think they have to do it anymore," Wang says, obviously philosophical.
"Yep. The Game of Thrones chick, "E First says, and then under her breath, "Maybe me."
"New topic. Top ten Doffs in their prime," -jr shouts as the table next to us starts to pay attention.
"Margot Robbie. Wolf of Wall Street. Number one. No contest," I shout; high fives.
"Erika Elaniak. Under Siege," -jr, a decent counter but not as good as my pick.
"Lohan," E First says.
"Lohan could actually be on both, 'in their prime' and 'waited too long'," I reply while giving myself a high five.
"Anne Heche was pretty super cute in that Psycho remake," E First says while not looking at the rest of us playing with a swizzle stick, either being earnest or intentionally trying to kill the mood.
"I think she had a girl on girl scene in a different movie. Better footage," Wang says, foiling E First's plot to ruin the mood.
"Did you see, read, that she sat up like a zombie after that accident?" E First continues, really intent on zapping the mood. The man at the table next to us, sitting by himself, sweating profusely leans in while leering at E First.
"Sometimes your brain does weird stuff and there is nothing you can do about it."
"Elizabeth Berkley," Wang or -jr says, getting us back on track. I am losing track.
"Good call," I say, "I snuck into Showgirls in high school. I was actually disappointed. She's skinny dumpy."
"Denise Richards."
"Marisa Tomei," -jr says, obviously not keeping up, but not exactly wrong.
"Denise Richards is borderline. Her PB spread showed she has a pucker butt," I say, now officially off the rails and E First starts cackling.
"Nope. Wild Things dude," -jr says and I hear him give himself a high five.
"Ah shit, I forgot," I concede, "Nah, not on the list," I apologize.
"I thought we were now onto Prime," Wang says as he quietly logs back on to blackjack.
"Yes, we are sticking with Prime. Halle Berry. Salma Hayak, Desperado," I stammer trying to pull into the lead.
"I heard that was a body double," Wang says, the bitter bastard.
"No, closed set. Look it up."
"She's gotten naked in other movies," Wang replies, flustered, maybe bitter. A small victory.
At this point Handgrenades have finished and some other band is setting up. I am interested in the other movies that Salma Hayak has gotten naked in and write myself a note to look them up which E First sees me do. We leave and head to Small's to catch the Amino Acids who are basically noteworthy because they stole their gimmick from a Jack White video. A solo video. Yuck.
"Aren't you banned from here?" E First asks, grinning.
"Yeah, but we all have wristbands so it should be fine,"I reply, guessing.
"But all of our wristbands are fake. Bootlegged," she says, but not really concerned. She doesn't care which is the best way to go about things.
"Yepp," I reply, and the conversation is abandoned which is the best way to go about things.
The Amino Assholes start playing and we all put our earplugs in and resume the dialogue...
"Blurred Lines girl. Emily Ragnarok. The perfect hardbody," I say, a slam dunk, high fives.
"Demi Moore, Striptease," Wang counters.
"Nice call on Demi," I say, "Fake but fit."
"Jennifer Connelly in The Hot Spot," Wang continues, showing off.
"Heather Graham in Boogie Nights," he continues, and I start to furiously sweat and consider ditching them all.
"Chick from American Pie that was on the cover of Maxim for a year," Wang. He...just...won't...stop...
"Nicole Kidman, Eyes Wide Shut, or Dead Calm. Amazing white girl ass," I say, gaining ground.
"Hey, no extra points. That's another topic."
"Sharon Stone, Basic Instinct, although she was arguable hotter in Total Recall," E First chimes in. She's alive!!
"Agree. 100% hotter in Total Recall. Because she kept her clothes on," I retort.
"Yes, its what you don't know that matters the most," E First laughs as the table exchanges high fives. I even see -jr slap his screen high five.
"Heather Graham. Shannon Elizabeth," -jr says.
"Try to keep up with the conversation Patrick," we all say. The Amino Acids have stopped playing and the venue is clearing out.
"Pamela Anderson for the second list," someone says, and I no longer know what we are talking about.
"Linnea Quigley," someone says.
"Which list?" someone asks.
"Whichever you want," someone answers.
"Shannon Tweed," Wang offers.
"Shannon could be on both lists as well. She doesn't own any clothes," I reply.
"Just my type," E First says.
"Jodie Foster but Only from the Accused, Not Nell," -jr says.
"New topic. Greatest love scenes of all time," E First says.
We all click off and then we leave.
From the Iceman Commeth,
The Boy Next Door
#metroforsheriff
Dr. Bryan Metro
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1 comment:
Heavy Bret Easton Ellis vibes in the nudity discussion. This was fun. Nice rebound piece.
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