Hamtramck Music Fest Day 1 Review-Friday

 From the National Affairs Desk-

Where were you when the fun stopped?

This one is going to be tough. It is 6am and the sun has yet to come up and I am writing this post by keyboard rather than my usual way of longhand, then typing it up which means it is going to lack my usual style. This should tell you a lot.

   Main Day 1, Friday of Hamtramck Music Fest is in the books, and I have very mixed feelings about it. I'm actually very depressed to be honest. I have been going to these things since they were Blowout's as far back as 2007 and (this is chilling) this is the very first year that I didn't have fun. Don't get me wrong, the acts I saw (more on that later) were more or less pretty good, but there was something missing, something far worse than where the 20% of profits are going. Okay, maybe not that bad ho ho ho. I have no intention of turning this into a narrative so I will just toss up some bullet points of notes and things I recall.

- I was in a hurry from the start because despite my creative output I am lazy by nature and had to rush to the Fed Ex joint to print up my "Metro For Sheriff" HamFest exclusive flyers. They were packed so I used my Metro Times press pass (which I was already wearing) to cut in line stating it was an emergency and things were actually off to a good start. It felt like old times, as recent as last month times, even though I was riding solo for now.

- I tried to get somebody, anybody to take the sidekick role that has benefitted so many of these write-up's in the past, but nothing was working...

Wang- "Family stuff."

Kentucky Pete- "Sorry, I'm double booked."

E First- "I have the Bug." (The lack of clarification was especially ominous).

-jr- "I will not be at this event."

- The ride to the splendid enclave of Hamtramck was uneventful, which could have been seen as a warning. I had negotiated to play tambourine along with E First with two of the acts listed, but then E First got sick. I also had negotiated to play a pop-up DJ/performance set at one of the venues. None of this happened because this is the game that moves as you play. For posterity, here is the setlist for the aborted DJ/JCM performance.

I actually found an okay place to park down the street from Polish Sea League within walking distance of Baker's and Whiskey in the Jar. This will be my HQ. I took this time to set up my Metro For Sheriff Flyer with bonus wristbands for a scavenger hunt that I was planning for Day 2, Saturday. This was also aborted.

I decided to declare myself an early winner of the aborted JCM scavenger hunt I had planned and crudely tape one of the bootleg wristbands on and decide to check out the scene at Polish Sea League. Nothing was cooking so I took the time to roam around. I ran into Lee M. who gave me a thumbs up, a small victory, and Record Store Kid who was warm but distant. I ended up spending more time than expected flirting with the door girl who could have been my type and she playfully locked the door saying "You can't leave now", so I didn't leave, and I said, "What if somebody wants to come in?" and she said, "I don't know about that," an invitation or foreshadowing... and she asked what the dark black marker writing was on my hand (It said "Don't set the backpack down") and I replied, flirting back, "You'll never know". I think she was supposed to be checking wristbands as people came in. She asked about the bag of vegetables I was carrying. I shrugged it off pretending to not hear her. At that point JSB walked in. Oh boy. I tried to make a joke saying, "Oh this guy's my dealer," and he joked back, "Yeah, I have all the goods," and then I said I had to check out for a bit and she chirped, "See you soon," and I said, "Okay," and then under my breath, "Don't count on it."

   I made the walk back to the car to make sure it hasn't been stolen and then walked to Whiskey in the Jar. On the way, while looking for places to buy low alcohol beer (there were none) a group of three kids jumped in front of me, probably around 8 or 9 years old.

   "Three dollar hamburger in there," they said pointing at a diner (?) I didn't bother to note.

   "Three dollar hamburger!!!" this time louder, and I had a serious case of deja vu so I backed away for a second and then realized that they reminded me of the "Bubblegum Gang" from the Hostel movies, so I take out my pack of Dentine Fire and call out "Bubblegum!" and they all start laughing and then run back into the diner. This would end up being the most surreal moment of my experience so stop reading if you're into that.

   I end up at Whiskey as Bitchcraft were playing. They were okay. I wanted to hate them based on my research but they were solid. I would say their musical acumen is on par with mine.

What's going on in the background there? Yikes! 

After that Vellows began setting up. I vaguely recognized one of the guitar players but couldn't place him. I pulled aside some local music guy that I kind of know because I knew this would stress me out.

   "That guy with the guitar. He was in that one band with the guy who died," I say, a perfect conversation starter if there ever was one.

   "Yeah, Love Meets Lust I think. I don't remember the name of the guy who died though," the reply.

   "Yeah, that's the band. He's a good dude," I reply ignoring the second half because I also don't remember the name of the guy who passed and this chills me to no end, depresses me, frustrates me, and I have a feeling that there will be no fun tonight.

   Vellows was great. I really enjoyed their two guitar set up. The songs were tight. I have no complaints.

Jump, flash, cut and I am back at Polish Sea League. The door girl (who might be in love with me) is chatting with these two old Hamtramck drunks. Typical. She tells them that her name is Bethany, but then says Bridget. She keeps changing her name. She could be a character in my debut novel "The Invisible People" which will be available next week! While Vulgars are setting up, I take the time to set up the Jesus Chainsaw Suck-Off stand. After setting it up I take it down because I realize I am not having any fun. I catch some of Vulgars. Once again, also good. This was advertised as their final show which stressed me out because I had never heard of them before.

 I jogged back to the Silver Hornet to drop off the produce, cut to Polish Sea League to see my next ex-wife, who wasn't there, a warning.

I am at Polish Thing League and set up the JCM Vegetable Suck-off table but after I set up the table and was ready to rumble, I just got even more depressed and aborted that too.

This is when the bottom drops out. I race back to Baker's. It turns out White Bee, who could probably be my best friend

is no longer playing and was replaced by....wait for it......Deastro. Yeah, the same Deastro who JCM beat for Best Electronic (haha) music artist in 2009 and spends his days complaining about capitalism and working. While at Baker's I am finally "made" by the meathead security goon.

   "That is a paper wristband," he says as he rips it from my hand.

   "I won it in a contest. Talk to them. I got it from a pimp a block over."

   "You have to leave," he says, brain dead.

   "Okay, but I just want you to know that I have twenty more. Have a good one!"

   Things were beginning to unravel so I jog back to Whiskey and then jog back to Polish Sea and then take the Silver Hornet to Checkers to eat for old times sake. I thought about popping into the New Dodge for old times sake but I really wanted to catch the Burn Maralago set at the Moose Lodge because I had taken the time to make a special sign just for them

I find a decent parking spot, crush my last low alcohol beer, get ready for fun fun fun.

Wait no. The Moose Lodge is closed. They are not hosting the Hamtramck Music Fest. Okay, let's transition from "lighthearted, though depressing, review" to "pissed review".

What the fuck. An entire venue cancels and there was zero notification made. I drove from my good parking spot, supporting multiple local venues and bands, tipping very well, to a place that had been promoted as hosting acts only to find out it was closed. I'm sorry, but anybody who is offering me "cute" $100 bets about the integrity of HMF needs to pay up and pay up now. $100. Right fucking now. A venue that is STILL on their $10,000 PR budget website was closed. I fucking sat outside and took photos of people walking up to the door and walking away. I won't post them because they are strangers. Inexcusable. I literally sat across the street eating my Checkers watching people drive up, park, walk up, then drive off. Nothing on their cheapjack Facebook page and nothing on their DONATED cheapjack website. Inexcusable. 

So here I am sitting in the car, trading messages from Elizabeth First ("What have you done? I'm all for it. Wow. How could they not say an entire venue cancelled? Worst festival ever." ) and Sebastian Owl ("Cosmic Light Shapes were the only act to reference the venue change. Moved to Ant Hall at 9:30. No reason why."). Perfect, and so typical. So what happened to the Adam Padden Band at 9:30? Playing in an alley? Did they drop out too?

I needed to start a new paragraph because I just wanted to emphasize that an entire venue cancelled, a venue that is kind of on the outskirts, and zero communication was made via the HMF website ($10k of the promotion account, but donated) or their FB page (free). Inexcusable. I do want to note that they had extra door people this year (how much were they paid??), which I applaud because who wants to let anybody in for free right? They all were wearing HamFest tshirts, the kind they were selling at HMF HQ (Is that closed yet?). Except their T-shirts had "Security" printed on the back. I need me one of those. Count on it...

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Polish Sea League Girl- Call Me

Dr. Bryan Metro

#metroforsheriff