Elvis From Hell, JCM Fest, I See White People, and the Return of the Queen

 Writer's Note- "I was all dressed up like Elvis from hell". That's not the first line of this post. That would be, "How did we get away with that?" The "Elvis from hell" line, a song lyric, is the first line of the September post. What I am saying is, yes, I'm already outlining that far in advance. Exciting, right Bubba? A little bit scary too. But I would need your help. Things are slowly getting back to normal. I need the "usual local suspects" to act accordingly and give me something to work with, with a 2021 twist of course. That's all I ask. I'll take it from there. Hell, this post is an example. Give me material and I'll give you fun, laughs, and misery. Not in that order. Ah fuck it. Read about it here.

From the National Affairs Desk-

     "How did we get away with that?" I ask one of my assistants in the National Affairs Suite at the JCM Compound as they drop off a fruit bowl and some printouts that have zapped through the Mojo Wire. The past week has been a tidal wave of emotions and bad memories, jolting flashbacks, forgotten incidents, missing people, and dejected sighs. The last post about the JCM Fest 2021 really socked me awake. I had honestly forgotten that most of the people and acts I ribbed, berated, and mocked even existed. Even days after it was posted I was receiving messages asking "How could you forget about XXXXXXX?" Indeed. How could I have forgotten the fucking Metro Times in a return to making fun of all things local? How bad is it for the Metro Times that even I had forgotten they existed? Jesus, I was the main reason they shut down the comment section on their website that remains shut down to this day. That scab hack Lee DeVito still owes me lunch. To write the JCM Fest post it took a bull session with about half a dozen friends from the local music scene to even remember half the acts, and the other half came over the Mojo Wire while I was typing it up. Cruel messages like "We forgot that balloonhead Jimmy Doom" or "You left out C Johnst." I would wake up at 7am, after only an hour of sleep, sweating, yelling, "How did we leave Danny Dustrod off JCM Fest??! We fucking had an 800 Beloved reference and nobody even knows who that is!" It really was a return to normalcy. The pandemic really was over, but as every waterhead politician with a pulse says, "The work is only just beginning." Statements like this are universally met with raucous cheers from a sea of supporters and political hacks, all diabetic, all on Zoom. I'd like to fantasize that a similar reaction occurred when the JCM Fest was posted. I mean if you want cutting edge local satire why not turn to the master? Anyone else would be like sending a completely unqualified imbecile to manage the border crisis, watching them fail miserably, and then say, "Lets double down and actually give them even more responsibility like voting reform." Only a completely incompetent squid (or the Metro Times) would be that moronic. Based on the feedback I received, I can safely say that people were very welcome to a return to normalcy from my end, even though the Grand Marshall was a terrible Monster recycling the same old Tunde jokes. As always, I digress...

Thank you to everyone who came out to JCM Fest 2021 this past Memorial Day weekend. Yes you read that right. It already happened! And it was a smashing success. It was great seeing everyone again and the acts and side stages were more than excited to be back out there, grindring, performing, lecturing, teaching, and leeching like it was 2018 again. I'm sorry I couldn't publicize the location and times more here but due to "security reasons" (thanks for the great excuse Gretch) I had to keep the hype low key. That didn't stop hundreds from coming out and helping raise a decent amount for animal rescue and my fund to charter a private plane to Vegas in time for the "Elvis from Hell" post (thanks for the great idea Stretch). I would like to do a full Fest review, but I feel it is important to keep moving forward (cue elated cheers from the sycophants and donors). Ah, fuck it, here's a quick rundown of the Fest as it occurred to me as I made the rounds. Besides, the Sports Desk says I need two more overtimes to cover the spread. Denver and Portland, I'm looking at you. We can do this!

JCM Fest 2021 Gonzo Recap-

I arrived to our own Fest late of course because, in typical JCM fashion, I wrote down the wrong location. It was the Riverfront NOT the parking lot/auto sweat shop at PJ's Lager House. The Riverfront is beautiful this time of year and it was also beneficial in that we avoided any fees and taxes for using the area as Detroit infrastructure takes weekends off. I was greeted with mild applause, a returning hero, and after thanking everyone who volunteered, especially the large group of girls from the Lakepointe Yacht Club who were bussed in by a mute Chicano and immediately put to work in the "Big Mike's Human Petting Zoo Tent", I met with my Inner Circle. Time was already fading, and I wanted to make sure everything was going according to plan. I barely made it to the "Cucking" whoops again, "Cooking With Lisa James" (the line was snaked to the train station; scratch that the line was COMING from the train station)

when head assistant Felix Owl informed me that Aubry cancelled his "White Fragility" seminar scheduled for 4pm. Thankfully, we had backup plans for everything. 

   "Get JSB," someone said.

   "I know that man. I forgot he existed. What qualifies him for the white fragility seminar?" I asked. The intern hands me some papers from the Portable Mojo Wire. Jesus, it was a gift from god!

   "Dammit man, this is exactly what and who we need. Why didn't we get him to begin with? Probably booked solid right?"

   "No sir."

   "Well, surely we won't be able to swing this on such short notice. He's probably..."

   "Actually sir, he's not doing anything."

   "Perfect. Make the call."

   "Will do. Our scouts/spys have him currently eating lunch at a soul food restaurant in Birmingham. But sir, there's something else," the intern says as he/she/it hands me another printout, then ducks as my well-trained backhand flies.

   "Dammit.... Has it really gotten this bad?"

After the area stops spinning, I cry out, "Is this timeline correct?"

   "Yes sir, from the 6th of May. This year. 5:51pm."

   "But I thought that Michigan wasn't a hot spot around that time."

   "No sir, it wasn't, but I think his point was..."

   "Fuck off with that. What's the Golden Rule?" I shout.

   "Sir, the Golden Rule is: Never Apologize."

   "No, the other Golden Rule."

   "Sir, the other Golden Rule is: If You Have To Explain Someone's Point, then It Is Not A Good Point To Begin With."

   "Yes," I say proudly, the Biden Amendment, "So enough with that. You're telling me that he's advocating, no fuck it, Encouraging, that a local business be shut down?"

   "Yes sir, but Dr. Fauci said a week later that masks may be needed until the end of the year, but plans can change."

The intern was right. I remember it well. The Dr. Oz TurtleFuck of Pandemics did say something like that around Mother's Day. The old Emotional Manipulation tool. Jump cut!

Wrong way jump cut. That pic was when Dr. Fuckface was running the show as Head of Immunology  at AIDS Central, the National Health Institute in 1988. Yeah, this guy has a history. Jump cut to the future......

   "You fools. The CDC issued a statement a Week after that contradicting everything you've just said. By the time that 7-11 board would even get to the complaint, the mask mandate would have been lifted."

 

Who was I kidding? There would be no "board". They would just cave in to a few psychotics anyway, but nobody was going to stop my ranting. I was on a roll. But one of my interns, Chip I think, was on point that afternoon.

   "Sir, we have reason to believe that no action was taken by the vocal minority band of crusaders led by JSB."

   "Why?"

   "Sir, Golden Rule #3: Psychotic White Liberals Whine A Lot Online But Rarely Actually Do Anything."

   "Get this man a raise. I forgot about that. Hmmmm, I'm cooling off on this replacement idea."

   "Sir, there is this also. You remember the WAB and Emory right?"

How could I forget? We had a few band practices there.

   "Of course I remember. We had a few JCM band practices there. Have I mentioned that I am the Face of the Hamtramck Music Festival?"

The intern hands me another printout. My hands are trembling. I needed a drink, and the Beggars Beer Tent was predictably cashed out.

*Satire*

   "Look at these Yahoo's. It's the fucking Master Race. So typical. Talk a big talk, but when the fat is in the fire, the whole diversity thing goes out the window. The steak is all salt and no pepper."

   "Sir, should we cancel the WAB and Emory for not having a diverse enough staff?"

   "No, that's not our style. We Want them to keep doing their thing. It provides endless entertainment and material. Besides, I'm not sure anybody even goes to Ferndale anymore."

   "I think they do sir."

This intern was finally getting to me.

   "Rubbish. Felix take this intern to the JCM Color Guard and have his tonsils sandblasted off. Then strap one of our Lavender Letter "A" facemasks on him and have Spike dump him off at that 7-11's parking lot. Oh, and cancel the whole fucking White Fragility seminar. People can say what want about the Fest but we have Standards dammit! I mean Dallas is just around the corner teaching a fucking "Me Too" class. Jesus. Let's move!"

     I power walk past all the attractions...

-The Milo Creative Writing Class was merged with the Callwood Journalism Course. Both had been busts and we needed the space for the  Woodman Drunk Tank. Yet even combined, there was still nobody there so we scratched them off for next year.

- The Deastro Vocational Workshop, a late addition, was also a flop.

Chabot actually stopped the course and started begging people to steal his gear so he could start a GoFundMe which was actually the best idea he's had in years. Much more profitable.

- E First no-showed the Tambourine Session as expected so we turned it into a Job Fair and dispensary. 

- A full hour was spent dealing with the mess at the Brisboys Party Boat and Beach Bash. I can't get into specifics here, but it was decided that we would be better off drugging everyone on the boat with the Lithium saved for the Jamaican Queens School of Rock and just sinking the fucker.

- The interns were scrambling to find out what happened to the Hip in Detroit Food Caravan. I just kept walking. One can't eat when there is pressing business to be done.

- George Morris was on his fifth set at the Morris Sleep Tent and I had to deal with complaints and give refunds (the Tent was free).

- I had to break up a fight between two interns who were arguing how to increase turnout for next year. One said we should offer free vaccines. The other said we should offer free tickets to those who were vaccinated. I had them both tasered. 

- Speaking of wasting money and weird incentives, the Gold House "How to Burn Time and Money" class worked out great as I had the crew set up a satellite booth unbeknownst to Tash and Kevin where all the donations really went ho ho ho. The Buy Large Mansions crew and Electric Six would be proud.

- Speaking of missing donations, the Electric Six, #Buy Large Mansions and Psychotics For Chauvin Defense Fund Grifts were a powder keg of a success. However, when 7pm rolled around, the giant firehose meant to blast them all backfired and exploded, sending a giant tidal wave of water onto the Sheefy Mural/Coloring Book Pavilion. Oddly enough, the shit started selling After that mishap. We used extra issues of the Metro Times Sheefy cover story (we had a lot) to soak up the swill.

I was nearing the end of my walk quite pleased by the work out in by everyone. The Fest was an unmitigated, utterly complete, shitshow disaster. I was about to steal some of the beer and pills from the Entomology Breakout when I saw something that made me freeze. I was looking at the "Real Financing" booth sponsored by Jason Von Bondie, Gino, and their new intern Craig Brown. They seemed to be doing well with a decent crowd, all white as predicted. The WAB would be proud. Then I saw someone I thought I recognized. At first I thought that without the makeup and "Look at Me" costumes it was TJ Gooch, but that was impossible as he was teaching the Daggering workshop at the west end of the Fest. No, this brute was none other than Wesley from Limp Bizkit and Queen Kwong. "Oh shit," I thought, our first Trojan Horse. I remembered that bad, evil, noise from a few years ago when every local hack was obligated to say that W.B and C.C were here to save Detroit ho ho ho.

I predicted that it was all manufactured bullshit, the onset of the constant "media memo" that is prevalent today, and they would split at the first opportunity. This angered a Lot of people and got us kicked off the Hamtramck Music Festival that year. Well that along with that whole photo thing. Ah fuck it, read all about it here directly from the fuckos at the Metro Times:

Metro Times Link

Ho ho ho, "I thought that made sense, but it totally backfired and it was a very strange experience."  Anyway, this was the catalyst for the last "boom boom period" here on the Lavender Blog (among other things).

What would this heathen want here at JCM Fest, specifically the "Real Financing" Booth? I kept my distance but had JCM Head Color Guard Desira aim the repaired fire hose that way just in case. After Wes left I ran over and asked Jason what he wanted.

   "Sir, he was looking to sell his house," he whimpered.

   "The one from the show him and the wifey did?"

   "Well, ex-wife, sir. And yes, that house."

   "Holy shit man! Ex Wife? I am so out of the loop. Why wasn't I told this?"

   "Sir, we knew it would interfere with the whole..... no drinking thing."

   "Sir," (another intern), "Actually they were divorced in 2019."

   "Fuck! I was drinking then. Why did nobody tell me? Felix! Have Jason taken out to the train station after they clean up Lisa's mess, slap a latex mask of the chick from The Ruiners on him. Glue it on! Dammit, use My own personal mask then. Drop him off with the vagrants and let them sort it all out. Set up my personal speaker system. I want to Hear the screams. Charge 75 cents or something. Go! Somebody get me Craig or Gino."

   "Sir?" Its Gino. "Sir, Craig left. He said something about searching for the Hip in Detroit Food Truck Caravan."

   "Typical. I figured as much. Is there anything about this house Wes was asking about I should know about?"

   "No sir. If it wasn't for the tv deal and given the cost of inflation and absolute cratering of property value in that part of town, it would be selling at a loss. The *cough* neighborhood, you know."

   "I need this in writing."

   "Here sir," as I am handed a printout from the Portable Mojo Wire, an article from the LA Times, not to be confused with LA Weekly which would hire any shlomo. This had all the details.

Houses For Sale

   "So let me get this straight. I predicted that they would split town. Correct. Semi-blame us. Correct. She filed for divorce and now the house is being sold? Coooooooorrect. Well, at least they are happy. I always respected her work with animal rescue. Okay, enough here."

   "One more thing sir," it was that bulldog, Peter the Freshman.

   "This guy has a history of not getting along with people."

   "Impossible. He was in a band with Freddy D. for years. Besides the LA Weekly thing (link up there) said that it was she who..."

   "No, he's also part of the Cancel Manson crew."

   "Oh? Tell me more"

I am handed yet another printout.

Bad F*ucking Guys

   "Wait, am I reading this right? He played in Manson's band for nearly a year, says he saw..."

   "Implied he was witness to, or at least heard of... we need to cover all the bases here sir. Remember."

   "...Implied that he was witness to, or at least heard stories of suspected funny business, yet didn't say anything?"

   "That's what the article (link up there) says. The quotes are real. They're from the Podcast. No worries, we are completely in the clear even having this conversation. We are sure this entire area is being bugged."

   "Yes, I know. So this piece of work said 'That's all I'm gonna say,' and then proceeds to start gabbing again? Multiple times? We're dealing with a Grade A Squidboy Waterhead here. Why didn't he say anything while in the band?"

   "Sir, it would be wrong to speculate."

   "I understand. That's why I'm asking. According to this article he was not the victim here. Its usually victim mentality to wait and tell the sordid tale..."

   "Sir, you are beginning to speculate again, and I think you have made your point."

   "You're right. And besides, why bother, right?"

   "Exactly sir. Golden Rule #4: In the end, nobody cares."

   "Perfect. This would be a great place to end this conversation, and this post. Wait wait wait! Felix come here. Guys, you have to see this."

   "Sir?"

   "Gentlemen and ladies, Felix here has a gift. You really have to see this. Its magic. Felix. Do the thing!"

   "Sir I'd rather not. Its getting late."

   "Felix. Do the thing. Guys this is great. So amazing. Felix has the ability to do a pitch perfect impersonation of a race track announcer, but instead of horses I wrote him a script that he has memorized and performs once a week when I get bored. Felix do the thing."

   "Okay sir," sigh, as he gets in character hunching his back and grabbing an imaginary boom mic.

   Aaaannnnnnnnnnd there off! And #BLM is in the lead riding high after the Floyd Anniversary but WAIT, here come the Asian Americans around the first turn, gaining gaining, its the Asians in the lead! Oh Bruce the irony the irony. We are three laps in and ohhhhhh boy, out of nowhere, here the the Jews. They are only down by a nose, but boy look out, they have Just taken the lead!! Jewish Americans with the comfortable lead but oh dear LOOK OUT, THE PALESTINIANS! The Palestinians have just taken out the Jews. Both horses are tangled up and it looks like they will be for a while, and are falling behind the pack. Out of the race, but I feel we will be seeing them again. We have just passed Lap June 1st and the LGBTQ's have just blown by everyone else. June 1ST June 1ST June 1ST, and we're reaching the Finish Line and LGBTQ has just won the Oppression Olympics for the week! The heavy favorites pulled it out. We know they would claw and scrap their way to the crown. There was a big, late, push by the horse from Tulsa at the end, but not enough to overtake the June 1st push. If only the race took place on May 31st we might have had a different outcome. Thanks for watching and tune in next week for your next winner. Can LGBTQ hold on to the crown, it IS June all month after all, or will we see a surge from the Climate Change Waterheads with the start of summer? I for one, can't wait!"

                  *"Memory of those who came before me".... Fucking spare me. What is this, fucking Normandy? Oh shit wait. Did she actually take this, like, literally??????

   There was raucous applause and too many high fives to count. My crew got it, and as cruel it may come off, there was a kernel of truth to it. The sign of true bullseye satire. I should enter it in the next Kresge Arts Fellowship. In the poetry section of course. It was a beautiful moment much like the entirety of that weekend at the first annual JCM Fest.

   "Well crew I think there's nothing more to say or do here. Don't worry about cleaning anything up. Nobody will notice for weeks. Why don't we find that Chicano and have him bus us and the Yacht Club hardbodies back to HQ where we can drink the night away as "Ace of Spades" or "Jeepster" plays on the jukebox until the sun starts to rise and I play the theme from Magnum P.I. because you know what that means.....

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

*The previous was satire. Most of it entertainment. Some of it true. I'd say a ratio of some sort but the birds are singing and the sun is rising as I wrap this one up. As always, thanks for reading and beware the pigs at all times. As Felix would say in his horse racing voice, "Weeeeerrrrrrrrre in the home stretch here". Indeed we are. Act accordingly. Dr. B.M.

** I don't want this to be a total bummer so let me leave you with a joke...

JCM Fest 2021: The Banshee Screams In The Age Of Eggshells

 *Disclaimer- Its been a while so I feel the need to remind everyone of the Official Lavender Blog Policy: This is a satire site, sometimes mean, sometimes nice. If the President can joke about running over reporters then I can make fun of somebody's comb over as long as I say "I'm just kidding ho ho ho". Isn't that the standard that's been set? Anyway, if any of this offends you on a personal level let me know preferably via e-mail or messenger (bryanmetro1@). God knows you don't want to come across as a humorless balloonhead, albeit one with a valid gripe, to the savages out there. So if you don't like something get with me and I will have the staff "vet" your concern and if deemed coherent I will remove anything and issue an apology. Okay, enough of the fine print...

From the National Affairs Desk May 2021-

"A sense of humor is the main measure of sanity."

The sun is blinding as I wake up on a random midweek afternoon and I feel like a beautiful butterfly emerging from his/her/its cocoon but not really. Stumble out of bed. Bored. Power up the Mojo Wire. Bored. Light up the National Affairs Suite. Bored. Turn on the Sports Desk. Bored. Every. Fucking. Day. Bored. Bored. Bored. That's it. Every day. This is not the way a highly respected, award winning, writer should have to live. I was once a part of something special, something that mattered, made a difference for good or bad, mostly bad. Yes, The Too Much Fun Club. Membership was exclusive, but fair; the kind of people you want to call at four in the morning when you are NOT in the throes of a three day bender and want to get that monster rolling. At its height there were around 8 to 15 members, all true professionals. These days I feel like I am the only survivor, and even then it is dangerously close to becoming the No More Fun Club, and everyone knows what happens then.

In the past I would devote the first hour or so of each afternoon shaking off the hangover that really wasn't a hangover but something just as sinister. These days, I spend that first hour checking the returns from last night's Sports Desk wagers and trying to answer that question, "Why bother?" Is the situation that much of an improvement? I honestly can't say. Okay, I can. It really isn't that much different/better although the main benefit is some people aren't worrying about me every day (as much). Now don't get on my case about positivity, second chances, and the dreaded "bright side". I'm the one in the trenches. Its my question and that's my answer. If you were to ask me near the beginning of 2020, before it became physically challenging every afternoon, before the shadow fell, but during great creative outbursts, with friends, with fun if I could be the healthiest physically in over the decade but would have to pay the fee of seeing what an absolute shit show the world (and society) would become through the filter of sobriety I would not have been able to give you an answer. I would have to ask my Pops. So here we are. Another afternoon. Bored.

A cruel beeping sound shoots out of the Mojo Wire, a very foreign occurrence these days. This weird, braying, wail knocks me out of that unfortunate introspective bummer of a tangent up there and I wander over to see a missive from Founding Father -jr. Attached is a photo, along with a disclaimer, "Get your dancin' shoes Crazy Legs". I had a flashback to earlier this year when he sent a similar message requesting to go to Wrestlemania in Florida that almost happened but we sold the tickets and went to find the darkness in Post Covid America. But that is a future post, and yes it will be up by summer. However, this message today was just an attachment of this year's Lollapalooza lineup. On the surface it was nothing of note, probably just another boring day over at Big Mike's Big Tit Juke Joint. But it fired up something in me, a long lost feeling of anarchy and danger. The next (first?) step was to ask myself "How can I make this about the local music scene?" It was on life support years before Covid, but I think there is still "something" there. I think people want it to be back, even if all the acts are rubbish. I have been getting a thrill seeing events start popping up at all the old haunts. My next question was "Can this type of post, on this type of blog, work today, this age of egg shells?" Thankfully, I don't have the time or energy to get into such pointless queries Today. I'm just curious to see what happens, what the reaction will be, will the process be easy.... Lets rock.

One of my biggest problems when it comes to my writing is getting to the point. I have no problem wrapping up my point. Usually when I am in the midst of a writing spurt, really locked in like a prize fighter, I have no problem wrapping it up. I almost will it to be over. Hell, I just spent the last two pages ranting about how productive it would be to just croak myself. This was not a problem with the Lollapalooza lineup. It awoke something awful in me. Not the event itself. As you can see from the flyer, it is complete rubbish. Only a true professional linthead would find anything of value in that awful scene. And this is coming from someone who would have no problem catching any number of potentially fatal diseases from Hannah Montana. My first instinct was to break out the old trope of covering each act by listening to about 30 seconds of a song/video and giving a "hot take" stream of consciousness rap about it. Its worked in the past with Blowout, HamFest, DIY, etc. but it would fall on its face here in this setting. The local acts that make up most of my readers don't care about any of this because they're not on the bill, and the acts that are on it don't care about any of this because they're not real people. 

     My next idea would be to try to guess the Pronoun of each act just based on their name. Noga Erez I'm looking at you. I could then turn it into a commentary of how lame society is that we are more concerned with not offending some squid with a serious glandular problem than a four year old being snatched from their bedroom by some oatmealhead with an ankle bracelet. So playing "Guess the Pronoun" would be amusing for around five minutes but would get about as boring as watching a TikTok vid of a boohoo with a lisp yelling, "I have feelings. I am a person," at a bewildered staff at a Chick-Fil-A, a staff that has seen this play before.

So the only logical thing to do would be to curate my own Festival. Jesus man, how have I not proposed this before? Maybe I have. Who can remember? So that is what I did, with some help from a few ghosts from the past, and give to you: JCM Fest 2021. Yes the name is very plain but that can always change after I acquire some sponsors and start booking acts. I have yet to actually reach out to any of the acts/people I mention below but am confident they will hop on board because, well, they're not really doing anything with their lives right now either. Now I must say that the musical acts are a little light. Well, that's because nobody really goes (or went) to local shows for the music. They went for cool drink, social interaction, possibly hooking up, a life full of regrets. And that's just Marcie B! What about you? What about me? No. What about you? Ahhh yes, ho ho ho, there you are again. My audience. When the you's merge into me. You fuckers are quite the narcissistic lot. I knew you'd come back. So lets see if you made the cut. Will the invite be in the mail? And if you feel left out feel free to comment, e-mail, or message. There's room for you all. Even with a bill stuffed to the brim with Tunde and Sadie jokes all loaded into the torpedo tube. Sebastian Owl! Man the Sports Desk. Move the Mojo Wire to the patio. And get me a (non alcoholic) drink. I'll be outside writing with Ivanka again.

The Lineup!

Headliners- The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre- Would you expect anyone else? Yeah, I know we retired as a live act in late 2019 but strange days need strange acts.

I would have to book at least two other acts for the musical portion of the Fest; one that actually draws and one to actually go on last (and preferably draws). If you are in the local music business you always want to go on 2nd to last, sandwiched in between the act that semi-draws and the act with a very local grass roots following that really draws. By using this method the audience is fully locked in and committed to your band. In all reality, those at the event HAVE to deal with you. When performing at local shows this is the only way to operate and anyone who tells you otherwise is a complete oatmealhead who thinks that Pewter Cub is a sex act involving the anus and conception. I'm going off on one of those tangents again. Maybe I can get the White Stripes to be one of the bookends for JCM Fest 2021 because their Greatest Hits album "Lets Test the Comeback Waters" bombed, as did J.W. III's last solo record which I'm still using as a coaster. Well that should do it for the music portion of our Fest. We were going to hire JSB to book this fucker but then we'd end up with 100 bands nobody cares about half of them featuring JSB. So basically the Hamtramck Music Festival. Who cares right? The fun part of these things are the extras; the side stages, booths, the "other" stuff. That's where the fire is at, and anyone who has spent the past 12 years in the belly of the local scene like myself knows there is a lot of fat around town to go in that fire which leads us to

JCM Fest Side Stage and Pavilion "Fat City"!

-Live Mural/Coloring Book Session With Sheefy McFly: Free to observe with active social media account. Paintings $100 ($20 a week later on ebay).

-"Real Financing" with Gino T. and Jason Von Bondie: Come get your home of the future in a well to do area of southeastern Michigan with a good neighborhood, lovely school system, and clean grocery stores. Perfect for the budding nuclear family (those are still legal right?), a professional on the rise in society, or the head of the local #BLM Chapter. Extra 30% off all fees if you attend dressed like a member of Fleetwood Mac, the Eagles, or the Sneaker Pimps.

-JCM Asian Bass Player Wang Yellowbone's Anti Asian Violence Information Stand: Get all the latest info on the recent rash of Asian violence before it goes out of style in the mainstream media from the JCM's very own 4 stringed savant. Includes important phone numbers, social media links, areas to avoid (LJ's Lounge), and areas to flourish (any place promoted at the "Real Financing" booth).

-The Jeff Fournier "Meat Shack" Dunk Tank/Slash/ Water Park: This will be a two for one set up. Have one of your five little savages croak Jeff and any number of our special guests (Woodman, Dapper Dan John Miller, etc.) into the dunk tank creating "The Big Splash" and send the rest to play in the filthy puddles at the Comerica Park parking lot or whatever venue lets us set up. Free for the kiddos. [REDACTED] must show ID and sign waivers).

-Cucking, whoops, Cooking With Lisa James: Free for single males and couples. Ah fuck it. Just free.

-Stand Up Comedy With Roddy Hogan: Free with a donation box set up for "Mr. Ice Cream Man" the movie.

-Entomology Breakout Session With Marcie B.: Admission is free with a six pack or 10 Ativan. So, free for Metro.

-"Delightful Dalliances" Creative Writing With Jeff Milo: Free. Spots still open. A copious cavalcade of slots still open.

-50/50 Raffle With Anastasia/Jack Flash: Grand prize... (checking notes)....Grand prize-Your ticket stub.

-Foamy Sunday Tunde Olaniran Dance Class/Slash/ Physical Therapy Studio: This is a duel pop up where you can learn the same six basic dance moves you forgot from high school theater and then immediately hop, literally hop, on over to sign up for five weeks of physical therapy because you threw your fucking back out spinning 180 degrees. Admission: Bag of Cheetos.

-Electric Six Cash Grab Crowd Funding Workshop: Admission- $50 for session only. $100 for session and video of session to view while in physical therapy. $500 for the opportunity to actually host the session.

-Black Lives Matter/Racial Inequality/Critical Theory Class: Taught by [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [RE....Jesus this entire section, just [REDACTED].

-"How To Be A Better Grifter Towards Suckers With (or without) Money" Class: Taught by the [REDACTED] crew....and Electric Six.

- Randy "Deastro" Chabot's Vocational Training/Whining Stand: Taught by failed Detroit Music Nominee Randy "Deastro" Chabot who never recovered locally after losing to JCM in the Best Electronic/Dance Category at the 2009 Detroit Music Awards. The stand will focus on the Electrical Field Vocation where there really isn't any money and will be situated close to the JCM Dunk Tank/Water Park. Hardhats not provided.

-Pumpkin Fucking, Social Justice, and the Detroit Tigers Lecture: Taught by Woodman.

-Safe Sex In The #metoo Era Seminar: Taught by Matthew D. No age requirements.

-Hunka Chunka E Girl Zoom Party Featuring Sarah Darling: Spots are limited. Most have been reserved by Metro.

-Tax Classes With the Hamtramck Music Festival Committee: $50 fee that can be written of as a non profit expense. Just kidding! All you need is a box of crayons which will later disappear before they get to a local high school and show up at the Sheefy mural tent.

-Ryan Allen Vinyl Single Release "FEATHERS!"/Slash/ Skeet Shooting Tutorial: Free with record, any record. Directions to Third Man on Cass will be provided. Hourly field trips with the [REDACTED] booth and shuttle available for snatch and grabs/pop up protests.

-The Brisbois Party Boat Beach Bash on Lake St. Clair: $500 for dudes. $25 for dudes with coke. Free for hardbodies with great tits. $5 for women with broken dreams.

-STD Rapid Testing Tent: On site near the beach and boat dock. $500 for dudes. $25....oh you get it.

-"Stretchin' With Gretchen" Pilates and Yoga Class: Free if you have your own plane, are a Michigan AG, or say that you're "with the Biden camp". $10, 000 for Charlie LeDuff.

-Brett Callwood's Journalism Course: "No Unhealthy Obsession Left Behind". Free to anyone who can't get Trump off their mind. $25 if you have integrity or previous journalism experience.

-Bryan Metro's Journalism Course: "How All the So Called Punks Got Old and Became Part of the Machine Without Realizing It". Intro by Johnny Ramone hologram.

- White Fragility Seminar With Greg Aubry.

-Queen Kwong's Cheesecake Calendar Photo Shoot: Professional photographers on site. Nudity a Must. 18+ only. We have to say that. Our last door guy didn't check ID's and some applicants went missing for a week later to be found in Otis' "Kennel".  Free to those willing to be judged. Hoe Army need not apply. No pics, just check the archives or buy the Gold Pass.

-Daggering With TJ: "Oh my god, he's broken in half!"

-The Hip In Detroit Food Truck Caravan: Now THAT'S a caravan. Its twice the fucking size of the last caravan!

-The 800 Beloved "Play Something Fun" Memorial Open Mic: Do up that receding hairline and get dancin'!

-Crafting Custom Shoe Lifts With Scottie Stone.

-Sisters of Your Sunshine Vapor LP Release "Keeping Hope Alive". A nice parlay with Ryan Allen's Skeet Shooting Workshop.

-CJohnst's Gas Hoarding Co-Op.

-Kentucky Pete's Piss Filled Water Balloon Fight: We promise to keep it far away from the nudie photo shoots. $5 extra to have your balloons filled with stout.

-Immigration Reform Obstacle Course: Sponsored by the Hoe Army. Sunday Only.

-Immigration Reform Obstacle Course Construction: Sponsored by El Club. Saturday. Volunteers welcome!

-"How To Disappear From the Face of the Planet" Class: Taught by E First. Likely a no show. In the event this activity is cancelled the space will be used for the job fair.

-"How To Open and Close a Venue in 100 Days or Less" Class: Taught by Anthony Morrow remotely from Mexico (or from the Brisbois boat).

-Tease Tait, Boynick, and Metro With a 40 On A Fishing Pole Game.

-George Morris and His Gypsy Sleep Tent: Sometimes the heat and Too Much Fun can get to the average concertgoer and they need to nap for a bit. So we have set up an area, a safe space if you prefer, where you can catch all the Z's you need to prepare for the rest of the Fest. As an added bonus we will have George Morris play a small set every 45 minutes so you can better time manage your day. No charge. Actually, I think he would be paying you. Let me check.

-George Floyd Memorial Tribute Booth: No we don't know where the money is going. Please don't badger the volunteers.

-Derek Chauvin Defense Fund Booth: No we don't know where the money is going. Please don't badger or mace the volunteer (if we can find any).

*Note: Both the Floyd and Chauvin booths will obviously be set up next to each other and a 24 hour webcam will be streaming the entire weekend for a nominal fee. At 7pm each night of the Fest JCM Color Guard Member Desira will blast all the fuckers in the general area with a high powered fire hose on loan from the Detroit Fire and Rescue guys downtown.*

-Jimmy Doom Fruit and Vegetable Stand: All types of perishables will be available and for an extra fee you can throw them fast ball at failed actor, comedian, bartender James. His book will also be available (we have a LOT) and make wonderful gifts, or projectiles.

-Big Mike's Big Blindfold Human Petting Zoo: We have yet to finalize the pavilion design and cannot guarantee this will be away from the Queen Kwong photo shoot or Darling Imperial Cosplay Zoom Session.

-"How To Burn Time and Money" with Natasha and Kevin from Gold House Media: Free, but we stress you get what you pay for..

-Metro's Sensitivity Training: $5 admission. Free for Doffs. $500 for "Passes". Free if you grab me a 40 from the Fishing Pole game. Medicine is also appreciated.

-Juggalo Championshit Wrestling: I think this would be required. Isn't it required at most of these things? We can have Roddy Hogan do the ring announcing if we catch him before the sunstroke.

-The Beggars Beer Tent: Obvious joke is obvious. There will be no beer by the time you get there. Any time. All beer. Thanks a LOT Pookie.

Well, that's all we have for now! I told you once I get rolling I wrap these up quick. I'm sure Google Search will be used for some of these, especially for newer readers or readers reading this when I post the link on a New York Times, USA Today, etc article on the latest riot, bombing, or protest. That's part of the fun! The dates and times of this inaugural Fest will be posted never, and we can't wait to see you there! Or in hell. Whichever comes first. Selah!

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

-

JCM is On the Clock

 Hey all, Metro here. The Lavender Blog is still active. Working on a few projects. Obviously it is a dead zone in terms of all things local. Keep your eyes open for new content soon. If you get bored binge drink until your liver craps out, have a naive friend set up a GoFundMe, and reap the benefits. See you soon!

From the Iceman Commeth,

Bryan Metro

Make More Money the JCM Way- Top Shot, Sports Desks, and Federal Employee Pigs

From the National Affairs Desk-

 Hey all Metro here with a quick one while you're away.

We may have some insight as to why your friendly government babysitters don't want the schools to open as quickly as some would like. Hint. Its not because they really care about your health. Okay okay, lets stop for a second. Yes, I did get caught up late last year with the Hunter Biden stuff (mostly true btw, but nobody cared enough to push it) along with the possible election fraud (mostly untrue but fun to play the "what if" game). Oh as for the election fraud thing. If all the dead names were refuted for very valid reason such as sharing the same name as a relative, errors in the database, etc; all valid reason I say once again, then why are these errors still active and haven't been corrected in the database. Its been since November when spreadsheets of names were out there. Once again, they have all been refuted, but why haven't they been adjusted and cleaned up on the Secretary of State websites and the voter registration databa....oh Jesus fuck it. Let me guess. Covid right? the perfect excuse.

Anyway back to the original reason for posting...

The National Affairs Desk/Sports Desk has many friends in the service industry who have been feeling the burn with government regulations/restrictions/etc. The same people are also having to devote a LOT of time to taking care of their mutant devil spawn. Well here is an article from Forbes. Once again, Forbes. Not a tabloid site like the Washington Examiner, Breitbart, or the New York Times. Here is the article:

The Swine Shure Help Their Own  (Shurly Slurry)

Basically, if you are a federal employee, under the relief bill on the table, you can apply for a "paid leave" if you have children at home from school. The paid leave is much higher than those in the private sector would get. Through September 30th, every week you would be able to get up to $1400 in "paid leave". Multiply that by 15 weeks..... Then let your inner conspiracy nutbrain ponder why everyone is so reluctant to reopen schools. Maybe I'm wrong in assuming that. If so, sorry not sorry. For the non-federal Constant Readers are you okay with this tidbit as it stands right now? Go back and reread the Forbes piece. Yes, there is a tinge of bias in there. Okay, a bit of bias in there, but as far as I know there are some facts there as well. Do yourself a favor and look into this a bit more. I would but its not my fucking job. I'm just trying to raise awareness of a possible government fuck you hold the lube. Hahaha $35 bucks an hour. Good deal if you can get it. Them's some livable wages. Swine. 

Alright, here are the weekly "quick hits".

-For the time being buy all in on NBA Top Shot. The crest is happening now. It could be the next Gamestop before we hit the high water mark and the bubble bursts. Its basically virtual trading cards/stock market for sports nerds. Anybody able to get their mitts in (new accounts are currently closed as of this writing and the whole thing is still in Beta testing). Take this tip as you may and give me my 10% after you cash out.

-There was a recent scuttlebutt over the casting of a black actress as Anne Boleyn on some show I'll never watch either way. This brought out the psycho white nationalists in droves. Swine. Instead of giving the actress a chance they shit all over it. Cross gender/race casting is the wave of the future, the next big thing; bigger than NBA Top Shot eventually. The possibilities are endless. These are satire, not created by me, and do not reflect my opinion as to who would be best for the role.

Also, if last year was the year of Covid, I have no idea what the theme of this year will end up (early frontrunners include: "2nd Place is A-Ok If You're Stupid", "Math is Racist and That's a Fact", "Asian Lives Matter", "Facts Are Racist", and "Every Permutation of Society Needs Their Own 'Thing'"). A case could be made for all of those but lets focus on the "Every Creed Needs Their Own Thing". First they zapped Aunt Jemima, now they're coming after Jeep Cherokee (my personal replacement brand is "Jeep Grand Football Team"), and finally the future is cereal. Here is a real new brand that's out there. That White Supremacist Mikey is NOT going to like this: The first one is real. The rest are satire, not created by me, and They do not reflect my opinion as to what would make for a delicious breakfast. The Nazi one is particularly brutal and probably cost me any job working at Disney.

Full disclosure, I don't have a problem with this at all (the first, real one; not the vile parody ones). I hope they make lots of money and deliver a quality product. That's the American Way (if that's still a thing; the jury's out on that).

That's about it for this week. The meat of the matter, fat in the fire, is the loophole where you get a lot of money if you are a federal employee with kids home from school based on regulations made by your peers. Hey give them a snow shovel and a ticket to Texas and really double down on the profit! As always, fuck it, who cares, and beware the pigs at all times. I would never lie to you. I'm a doctor after all.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

End of an Era 2021 ???

-From the National Affairs Desk

 Hey all, Metro here. Its hard to believe that we are already on the cusp of Valentine's Day in the year 2021. It seems like just last month we were in the throes of a New Year's celebration that really wasn't, a brand new president, mass chaos in the Capitol, and some fucking waterhead gluing their hair to their head. There was also the certification of legal gambling and sportsbooks in Michigan which is basically what I have been up to so far this year. I can say with a tear in my eye and a big grin on my face that the Sports Desk (subsidiary of the National Affairs department) is now open for business. When I haven't been navigating the hazy waters of the glorified scrimmages that are college football in the pandemic era I have been setting up a command central I can be quite proud of. Here is an exclusive look at the Sports Desk (the beer is still N/A for those keeping track, the print is a Ralph Steadman original titled "Sports").

There has really been a lot to cover and nothing to cover. It doesn't surprise me to say that things both locally and nationally have been quite boring. And that is taking into consideration the savages that laid siege to the US capitol, bad poetry at the inauguration, and the second impeachment of Trump. As I said, all too boring. I am tired of getting (private) messages asking me to lay waste to a plethora of topics in the "Vintage Metro" style, whatever the fuck that means. So lets get it out of the way with a hot take, fast take, bullet point fuck parade so I can wash my hands, clear my inbox and get back to things that matter like the suspect -4.5 spread in the Virginia/Georgia Tech game. LETS GO!

-The January 6th Situation.

This incident has gotten me the most "fan mail" in regards to getting back to some semblance of a regular writing schedule/output. I don't know what the Constant Readers want/expect. To be entertained? C'mon, I can't compete with that chaos. My opinion? Well, first off, I wasn't there ho ho ho. I would have loved to have been there to cover it in a fair and kamakazi (ok maybe wrong choice of words there) way. But then a photo would have gotten out (probably posted here by myself) and the over-reactionary fuck-o's would jump on it and report me to the FBI. And don't believe that is an overreaction or hyperbole because the sandbrains on the Hamtramck Music Fest committee reported me to Homeland Security in 2017. That really happened. I have the transcripts. How'd that work out for you Liggett? Ponce. Amateur. Geezer.

   Back to the Capitol siege and my take. They were idiots. Misguided, foolish lemmings. Completely unorganized geeks until it came out that they were organized. Quite organized. My biggest takeaway from all that is not the chaotic danger and hyperbole of the media looking to bump up ratings after the post election lull, nor was it the drama majors in Congress and their boring stories about how they were disrupted from posting rhetoric on social media instead of y'know, actually doing their jobs. For shame. How inconvenient. Where was I to read how we need to come together once every single person is placed into categories of how much merit their opinion garners? Nah, the biggest takeaway from January 6th is that these goofs pretty much ruined it for everyone who may have an opinion that may not fall in line with what is popular/accepted and their right to convey it in a logical, well thought out way. That is the true crime that was committed on January 6th. Now if somebody speaks up, no matter how well spoken they are, no matter what facts (are they still legal?) they present, if that person has an opinion that may be different from the godforsaken status quo or what is being fed to the media to condition everybody to believe for that week, then that person is now a racist, white supremacist, misogynist, and now, gasp, a domestic terrorist. Its fucking already out of control. That is the true inconvenience of January 6th, the absolute obliteration of any comfort zone regarding your opinion. You'll be attacked, cancelled (ugh don't get me started), branded with a scarlet "W". I say this with all respect and sympathy for those who died on the 6th, genuine sympathy. Things are bad, and those charged with fixing them seem to relish the darkness because, like since the beginning, its much easier to galvanize a fan base if they are miserable, and if 2020/2021 has taught us anything, its Everybody is miserable. People like to be miserable. If there's nothing to complain about they have no idea what to do with themselves. So that's my take on January 6th. A whole lot of nothing aside from a few seconds closer to the "No More Fun Club".

-Thankfully, the Too Much Fun Club is still rocking and a rolling. Barely. Elizabeth First, the Ghost, has disappeared, again. No contact, no nothing. I'm working on it. However, the JCM was represented at the Super Bowl. Live, and in person. With amazing seats. This is not the fiction department. Check it out.

Now if I was there instead of a founding bandmate, I would have finally taken that last hit of acid and gone full nuts with a comprehensive diary along with photo essay, stream of consciousness, total madness. But sometimes, there's nothing wrong with just wanted to kick back and have some (too much) fun.

-The halftime show by The Weeknd was top notch, a total starmaking performance. The Weeknd is my favorite, and most complete, pop music performer of the last three years. It was refreshing to see a talented artist do their thing without the need for social commentary (I call it condescending pontificating), preaching, or, snore THE MESSAGE. Spare me. Because of this The Weeknd gets an A+ from the Lavender Blog. And no wonder some people didn't care for it. Cough, Woodman. You know who really must be pissed about being passed over for the Super Bowl halftime (don't do it) show (can't resist) is this guy:

My Zoom was hacked and now I have a virus!

-Truth be told, the Sports Desk picked Kansas City to win, as did the majority of serious gamblers. Not smart, although I still did well enough on other bets to offset this mistake. I am not a Tom Brady worshiper. However, after this year's game I have to admit he is the greatest of all time. Like LeBron who I also can't stand personally, he has reached a point where I just have to accept his greatness. No more excuses or complaints. Of course not everybody may agree with that. Case in point:

Those are real tweets and why I can't stand 95% of the general public. Remember when I said earlier that its only going to get worse. Yeah. Maybe we can move the Super Bowl to January or March (just not whatever month is Pride month, good god could you imagine that?). Or maybe we can get somebody to teach Lamar Jackson how to throw a deep pass to a player on his team and not the other one. Or maybe we can just stop complaining about everything.

-Moving on to more positive things, the JCM/your humble narrator will now be forever enshrined in a music Hall of Fame. One of our priceless musical artifacts, a mint condition ticket of a 1978 Patti Smith/Sonics Rendezvous ticket stub from Ann Arbor will be on permanent display in the [Redacted because of Cancel Culture] Hall of Fame, along with a "thank you" from the organization itself. They contacted me about obtaining it and I agreed, so yeah, the JCM DNA has oozed into musical history. So eat shit Deastro. We win again. Go complain about labor wages or union laws or whatever you bitch about to the four people who read your shit. We...win....again.

-The last post of 2020 touched on auctioning off historical JCM pieces to benefit animal rescue and I am proud to say that we have sold out first item, the original "Garage Rock Sucks" t shirt that was featured in our Halloween photo blog along with other shoots including our press pack from 2008-2010.

 It hurt to let it go but it now has a good home in Oregon. Wait we have readers in Oregon?? Anyway, goodbye dear garment, thee served me well, and know that the money will be donated once payment is processed. Update. Done-zo, and matched. No boring, safe, cover songs on FB live needed. Just a shirt worn by me.

-Last up is the Gorilla Glue stupidity. I am dumber for even touching on it. Of course you have heard about it. Some waterhead put Gorilla Glue in their hair and had some medical problems. That's the story. Of course it has been blown out of proportion, and of course these are real posts:

Seriously what the fuck is the matter with everybody. We seriously are all doomed. The bigwigs at Gorilla Glue should totally troll her by offering to pay for her education, but only if they provide proof of a degree. That's it, take it or leave it. Of course a Gofundme was set up. God, I hate Gofundme. I'm currently banned from the site after I investigated some of their practices a little too close in 2018. In a nutshell, they are XXXXXX as hell with XXXXXXX XXXX schemes, XXX issues, etc etc etc. I could (and should) post details but then I'd have to set up an alternate Gofundme account to cover legal bills.

I hate to leave on such a dour note, but like I said up there its much more easier to be miserable these days. So I think I'll slum it for a while and stockpile more links that are sent to me and when I have enough I'll post again. Thanks for reading and stay warm.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Bryan Metro