Elvis From Hell, JCM Fest, I See White People, and the Return of the Queen

 Writer's Note- "I was all dressed up like Elvis from hell". That's not the first line of this post. That would be, "How did we get away with that?" The "Elvis from hell" line, a song lyric, is the first line of the September post. What I am saying is, yes, I'm already outlining that far in advance. Exciting, right Bubba? A little bit scary too. But I would need your help. Things are slowly getting back to normal. I need the "usual local suspects" to act accordingly and give me something to work with, with a 2021 twist of course. That's all I ask. I'll take it from there. Hell, this post is an example. Give me material and I'll give you fun, laughs, and misery. Not in that order. Ah fuck it. Read about it here.

From the National Affairs Desk-

     "How did we get away with that?" I ask one of my assistants in the National Affairs Suite at the JCM Compound as they drop off a fruit bowl and some printouts that have zapped through the Mojo Wire. The past week has been a tidal wave of emotions and bad memories, jolting flashbacks, forgotten incidents, missing people, and dejected sighs. The last post about the JCM Fest 2021 really socked me awake. I had honestly forgotten that most of the people and acts I ribbed, berated, and mocked even existed. Even days after it was posted I was receiving messages asking "How could you forget about XXXXXXX?" Indeed. How could I have forgotten the fucking Metro Times in a return to making fun of all things local? How bad is it for the Metro Times that even I had forgotten they existed? Jesus, I was the main reason they shut down the comment section on their website that remains shut down to this day. That scab hack Lee DeVito still owes me lunch. To write the JCM Fest post it took a bull session with about half a dozen friends from the local music scene to even remember half the acts, and the other half came over the Mojo Wire while I was typing it up. Cruel messages like "We forgot that balloonhead Jimmy Doom" or "You left out C Johnst." I would wake up at 7am, after only an hour of sleep, sweating, yelling, "How did we leave Danny Dustrod off JCM Fest??! We fucking had an 800 Beloved reference and nobody even knows who that is!" It really was a return to normalcy. The pandemic really was over, but as every waterhead politician with a pulse says, "The work is only just beginning." Statements like this are universally met with raucous cheers from a sea of supporters and political hacks, all diabetic, all on Zoom. I'd like to fantasize that a similar reaction occurred when the JCM Fest was posted. I mean if you want cutting edge local satire why not turn to the master? Anyone else would be like sending a completely unqualified imbecile to manage the border crisis, watching them fail miserably, and then say, "Lets double down and actually give them even more responsibility like voting reform." Only a completely incompetent squid (or the Metro Times) would be that moronic. Based on the feedback I received, I can safely say that people were very welcome to a return to normalcy from my end, even though the Grand Marshall was a terrible Monster recycling the same old Tunde jokes. As always, I digress...

Thank you to everyone who came out to JCM Fest 2021 this past Memorial Day weekend. Yes you read that right. It already happened! And it was a smashing success. It was great seeing everyone again and the acts and side stages were more than excited to be back out there, grindring, performing, lecturing, teaching, and leeching like it was 2018 again. I'm sorry I couldn't publicize the location and times more here but due to "security reasons" (thanks for the great excuse Gretch) I had to keep the hype low key. That didn't stop hundreds from coming out and helping raise a decent amount for animal rescue and my fund to charter a private plane to Vegas in time for the "Elvis from Hell" post (thanks for the great idea Stretch). I would like to do a full Fest review, but I feel it is important to keep moving forward (cue elated cheers from the sycophants and donors). Ah, fuck it, here's a quick rundown of the Fest as it occurred to me as I made the rounds. Besides, the Sports Desk says I need two more overtimes to cover the spread. Denver and Portland, I'm looking at you. We can do this!

JCM Fest 2021 Gonzo Recap-

I arrived to our own Fest late of course because, in typical JCM fashion, I wrote down the wrong location. It was the Riverfront NOT the parking lot/auto sweat shop at PJ's Lager House. The Riverfront is beautiful this time of year and it was also beneficial in that we avoided any fees and taxes for using the area as Detroit infrastructure takes weekends off. I was greeted with mild applause, a returning hero, and after thanking everyone who volunteered, especially the large group of girls from the Lakepointe Yacht Club who were bussed in by a mute Chicano and immediately put to work in the "Big Mike's Human Petting Zoo Tent", I met with my Inner Circle. Time was already fading, and I wanted to make sure everything was going according to plan. I barely made it to the "Cucking" whoops again, "Cooking With Lisa James" (the line was snaked to the train station; scratch that the line was COMING from the train station)

when head assistant Felix Owl informed me that Aubry cancelled his "White Fragility" seminar scheduled for 4pm. Thankfully, we had backup plans for everything. 

   "Get JSB," someone said.

   "I know that man. I forgot he existed. What qualifies him for the white fragility seminar?" I asked. The intern hands me some papers from the Portable Mojo Wire. Jesus, it was a gift from god!

   "Dammit man, this is exactly what and who we need. Why didn't we get him to begin with? Probably booked solid right?"

   "No sir."

   "Well, surely we won't be able to swing this on such short notice. He's probably..."

   "Actually sir, he's not doing anything."

   "Perfect. Make the call."

   "Will do. Our scouts/spys have him currently eating lunch at a soul food restaurant in Birmingham. But sir, there's something else," the intern says as he/she/it hands me another printout, then ducks as my well-trained backhand flies.

   "Dammit.... Has it really gotten this bad?"

After the area stops spinning, I cry out, "Is this timeline correct?"

   "Yes sir, from the 6th of May. This year. 5:51pm."

   "But I thought that Michigan wasn't a hot spot around that time."

   "No sir, it wasn't, but I think his point was..."

   "Fuck off with that. What's the Golden Rule?" I shout.

   "Sir, the Golden Rule is: Never Apologize."

   "No, the other Golden Rule."

   "Sir, the other Golden Rule is: If You Have To Explain Someone's Point, then It Is Not A Good Point To Begin With."

   "Yes," I say proudly, the Biden Amendment, "So enough with that. You're telling me that he's advocating, no fuck it, Encouraging, that a local business be shut down?"

   "Yes sir, but Dr. Fauci said a week later that masks may be needed until the end of the year, but plans can change."

The intern was right. I remember it well. The Dr. Oz TurtleFuck of Pandemics did say something like that around Mother's Day. The old Emotional Manipulation tool. Jump cut!

Wrong way jump cut. That pic was when Dr. Fuckface was running the show as Head of Immunology  at AIDS Central, the National Health Institute in 1988. Yeah, this guy has a history. Jump cut to the future......

   "You fools. The CDC issued a statement a Week after that contradicting everything you've just said. By the time that 7-11 board would even get to the complaint, the mask mandate would have been lifted."

 

Who was I kidding? There would be no "board". They would just cave in to a few psychotics anyway, but nobody was going to stop my ranting. I was on a roll. But one of my interns, Chip I think, was on point that afternoon.

   "Sir, we have reason to believe that no action was taken by the vocal minority band of crusaders led by JSB."

   "Why?"

   "Sir, Golden Rule #3: Psychotic White Liberals Whine A Lot Online But Rarely Actually Do Anything."

   "Get this man a raise. I forgot about that. Hmmmm, I'm cooling off on this replacement idea."

   "Sir, there is this also. You remember the WAB and Emory right?"

How could I forget? We had a few band practices there.

   "Of course I remember. We had a few JCM band practices there. Have I mentioned that I am the Face of the Hamtramck Music Festival?"

The intern hands me another printout. My hands are trembling. I needed a drink, and the Beggars Beer Tent was predictably cashed out.

*Satire*

   "Look at these Yahoo's. It's the fucking Master Race. So typical. Talk a big talk, but when the fat is in the fire, the whole diversity thing goes out the window. The steak is all salt and no pepper."

   "Sir, should we cancel the WAB and Emory for not having a diverse enough staff?"

   "No, that's not our style. We Want them to keep doing their thing. It provides endless entertainment and material. Besides, I'm not sure anybody even goes to Ferndale anymore."

   "I think they do sir."

This intern was finally getting to me.

   "Rubbish. Felix take this intern to the JCM Color Guard and have his tonsils sandblasted off. Then strap one of our Lavender Letter "A" facemasks on him and have Spike dump him off at that 7-11's parking lot. Oh, and cancel the whole fucking White Fragility seminar. People can say what want about the Fest but we have Standards dammit! I mean Dallas is just around the corner teaching a fucking "Me Too" class. Jesus. Let's move!"

     I power walk past all the attractions...

-The Milo Creative Writing Class was merged with the Callwood Journalism Course. Both had been busts and we needed the space for the  Woodman Drunk Tank. Yet even combined, there was still nobody there so we scratched them off for next year.

- The Deastro Vocational Workshop, a late addition, was also a flop.

Chabot actually stopped the course and started begging people to steal his gear so he could start a GoFundMe which was actually the best idea he's had in years. Much more profitable.

- E First no-showed the Tambourine Session as expected so we turned it into a Job Fair and dispensary. 

- A full hour was spent dealing with the mess at the Brisboys Party Boat and Beach Bash. I can't get into specifics here, but it was decided that we would be better off drugging everyone on the boat with the Lithium saved for the Jamaican Queens School of Rock and just sinking the fucker.

- The interns were scrambling to find out what happened to the Hip in Detroit Food Caravan. I just kept walking. One can't eat when there is pressing business to be done.

- George Morris was on his fifth set at the Morris Sleep Tent and I had to deal with complaints and give refunds (the Tent was free).

- I had to break up a fight between two interns who were arguing how to increase turnout for next year. One said we should offer free vaccines. The other said we should offer free tickets to those who were vaccinated. I had them both tasered. 

- Speaking of wasting money and weird incentives, the Gold House "How to Burn Time and Money" class worked out great as I had the crew set up a satellite booth unbeknownst to Tash and Kevin where all the donations really went ho ho ho. The Buy Large Mansions crew and Electric Six would be proud.

- Speaking of missing donations, the Electric Six, #Buy Large Mansions and Psychotics For Chauvin Defense Fund Grifts were a powder keg of a success. However, when 7pm rolled around, the giant firehose meant to blast them all backfired and exploded, sending a giant tidal wave of water onto the Sheefy Mural/Coloring Book Pavilion. Oddly enough, the shit started selling After that mishap. We used extra issues of the Metro Times Sheefy cover story (we had a lot) to soak up the swill.

I was nearing the end of my walk quite pleased by the work out in by everyone. The Fest was an unmitigated, utterly complete, shitshow disaster. I was about to steal some of the beer and pills from the Entomology Breakout when I saw something that made me freeze. I was looking at the "Real Financing" booth sponsored by Jason Von Bondie, Gino, and their new intern Craig Brown. They seemed to be doing well with a decent crowd, all white as predicted. The WAB would be proud. Then I saw someone I thought I recognized. At first I thought that without the makeup and "Look at Me" costumes it was TJ Gooch, but that was impossible as he was teaching the Daggering workshop at the west end of the Fest. No, this brute was none other than Wesley from Limp Bizkit and Queen Kwong. "Oh shit," I thought, our first Trojan Horse. I remembered that bad, evil, noise from a few years ago when every local hack was obligated to say that W.B and C.C were here to save Detroit ho ho ho.

I predicted that it was all manufactured bullshit, the onset of the constant "media memo" that is prevalent today, and they would split at the first opportunity. This angered a Lot of people and got us kicked off the Hamtramck Music Festival that year. Well that along with that whole photo thing. Ah fuck it, read all about it here directly from the fuckos at the Metro Times:

Metro Times Link

Ho ho ho, "I thought that made sense, but it totally backfired and it was a very strange experience."  Anyway, this was the catalyst for the last "boom boom period" here on the Lavender Blog (among other things).

What would this heathen want here at JCM Fest, specifically the "Real Financing" Booth? I kept my distance but had JCM Head Color Guard Desira aim the repaired fire hose that way just in case. After Wes left I ran over and asked Jason what he wanted.

   "Sir, he was looking to sell his house," he whimpered.

   "The one from the show him and the wifey did?"

   "Well, ex-wife, sir. And yes, that house."

   "Holy shit man! Ex Wife? I am so out of the loop. Why wasn't I told this?"

   "Sir, we knew it would interfere with the whole..... no drinking thing."

   "Sir," (another intern), "Actually they were divorced in 2019."

   "Fuck! I was drinking then. Why did nobody tell me? Felix! Have Jason taken out to the train station after they clean up Lisa's mess, slap a latex mask of the chick from The Ruiners on him. Glue it on! Dammit, use My own personal mask then. Drop him off with the vagrants and let them sort it all out. Set up my personal speaker system. I want to Hear the screams. Charge 75 cents or something. Go! Somebody get me Craig or Gino."

   "Sir?" Its Gino. "Sir, Craig left. He said something about searching for the Hip in Detroit Food Truck Caravan."

   "Typical. I figured as much. Is there anything about this house Wes was asking about I should know about?"

   "No sir. If it wasn't for the tv deal and given the cost of inflation and absolute cratering of property value in that part of town, it would be selling at a loss. The *cough* neighborhood, you know."

   "I need this in writing."

   "Here sir," as I am handed a printout from the Portable Mojo Wire, an article from the LA Times, not to be confused with LA Weekly which would hire any shlomo. This had all the details.

Houses For Sale

   "So let me get this straight. I predicted that they would split town. Correct. Semi-blame us. Correct. She filed for divorce and now the house is being sold? Coooooooorrect. Well, at least they are happy. I always respected her work with animal rescue. Okay, enough here."

   "One more thing sir," it was that bulldog, Peter the Freshman.

   "This guy has a history of not getting along with people."

   "Impossible. He was in a band with Freddy D. for years. Besides the LA Weekly thing (link up there) said that it was she who..."

   "No, he's also part of the Cancel Manson crew."

   "Oh? Tell me more"

I am handed yet another printout.

Bad F*ucking Guys

   "Wait, am I reading this right? He played in Manson's band for nearly a year, says he saw..."

   "Implied he was witness to, or at least heard of... we need to cover all the bases here sir. Remember."

   "...Implied that he was witness to, or at least heard stories of suspected funny business, yet didn't say anything?"

   "That's what the article (link up there) says. The quotes are real. They're from the Podcast. No worries, we are completely in the clear even having this conversation. We are sure this entire area is being bugged."

   "Yes, I know. So this piece of work said 'That's all I'm gonna say,' and then proceeds to start gabbing again? Multiple times? We're dealing with a Grade A Squidboy Waterhead here. Why didn't he say anything while in the band?"

   "Sir, it would be wrong to speculate."

   "I understand. That's why I'm asking. According to this article he was not the victim here. Its usually victim mentality to wait and tell the sordid tale..."

   "Sir, you are beginning to speculate again, and I think you have made your point."

   "You're right. And besides, why bother, right?"

   "Exactly sir. Golden Rule #4: In the end, nobody cares."

   "Perfect. This would be a great place to end this conversation, and this post. Wait wait wait! Felix come here. Guys, you have to see this."

   "Sir?"

   "Gentlemen and ladies, Felix here has a gift. You really have to see this. Its magic. Felix. Do the thing!"

   "Sir I'd rather not. Its getting late."

   "Felix. Do the thing. Guys this is great. So amazing. Felix has the ability to do a pitch perfect impersonation of a race track announcer, but instead of horses I wrote him a script that he has memorized and performs once a week when I get bored. Felix do the thing."

   "Okay sir," sigh, as he gets in character hunching his back and grabbing an imaginary boom mic.

   Aaaannnnnnnnnnd there off! And #BLM is in the lead riding high after the Floyd Anniversary but WAIT, here come the Asian Americans around the first turn, gaining gaining, its the Asians in the lead! Oh Bruce the irony the irony. We are three laps in and ohhhhhh boy, out of nowhere, here the the Jews. They are only down by a nose, but boy look out, they have Just taken the lead!! Jewish Americans with the comfortable lead but oh dear LOOK OUT, THE PALESTINIANS! The Palestinians have just taken out the Jews. Both horses are tangled up and it looks like they will be for a while, and are falling behind the pack. Out of the race, but I feel we will be seeing them again. We have just passed Lap June 1st and the LGBTQ's have just blown by everyone else. June 1ST June 1ST June 1ST, and we're reaching the Finish Line and LGBTQ has just won the Oppression Olympics for the week! The heavy favorites pulled it out. We know they would claw and scrap their way to the crown. There was a big, late, push by the horse from Tulsa at the end, but not enough to overtake the June 1st push. If only the race took place on May 31st we might have had a different outcome. Thanks for watching and tune in next week for your next winner. Can LGBTQ hold on to the crown, it IS June all month after all, or will we see a surge from the Climate Change Waterheads with the start of summer? I for one, can't wait!"

                  *"Memory of those who came before me".... Fucking spare me. What is this, fucking Normandy? Oh shit wait. Did she actually take this, like, literally??????

   There was raucous applause and too many high fives to count. My crew got it, and as cruel it may come off, there was a kernel of truth to it. The sign of true bullseye satire. I should enter it in the next Kresge Arts Fellowship. In the poetry section of course. It was a beautiful moment much like the entirety of that weekend at the first annual JCM Fest.

   "Well crew I think there's nothing more to say or do here. Don't worry about cleaning anything up. Nobody will notice for weeks. Why don't we find that Chicano and have him bus us and the Yacht Club hardbodies back to HQ where we can drink the night away as "Ace of Spades" or "Jeepster" plays on the jukebox until the sun starts to rise and I play the theme from Magnum P.I. because you know what that means.....

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

*The previous was satire. Most of it entertainment. Some of it true. I'd say a ratio of some sort but the birds are singing and the sun is rising as I wrap this one up. As always, thanks for reading and beware the pigs at all times. As Felix would say in his horse racing voice, "Weeeeerrrrrrrrre in the home stretch here". Indeed we are. Act accordingly. Dr. B.M.

** I don't want this to be a total bummer so let me leave you with a joke...