The Invisible People. Debut Novel. Finally. Link and Teasers

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   For the longtime Constant Readers, you know I have been pocket pooling with a novel since the beginning. Sometimes I get distracted by music fests, wasting some of the nine lives, sheer apathy, etc. We even had a preview/performance at the Ferndale Public Library a full 12 years before this bastard was published that featured one of the first ever library concept shows that have since become the norm along with giving Sheefy McFly his big break and a platform. I'm already rambling, in character. Let's slide down the surface of things.

The book is finished. I completed the "proof copy" run through today and it is now available for sale. It is a crisp 215 pages and is a hybrid of drama, comedy, satire, horror, romance, and probably some other genres. The book is framed much like a Tarantino movie where nothing happens for a while followed by a burst of something awful. Then the sequence starts again. I am most happy that if the pages fall out of the book (a possibility as it is self published) they can be pretty much read out of order for the same effect. Well until the end.

As I mentioned above, the book is being self published with all production costs covered by me and is listed at $13 which means I'll be making around $2 each book. I almost changed the title to "Vanity Project". That's actually a steal for 215 pages and 14 years of writing. I have to stress that this isn't really about the local music scene but a thriller set mostly in Los Angeles and New York. However, if you are in the local music scene you may see a cameo, or mention of yourself. Each chapter is constructed in a way to give off a fever dream-like experience. I'm rambling again.

Here is the link to purchase the book if you are interested

The Invisible People- by Bryan Metro

The website is legit and all of your information is private and secure. I don't even see it. I don't really expect anybody to buy it, but this is not a scam (that's awful I have to say that), and I really did put a lot of work into it. Like I said up there, I am not making any money off of this, but I think if you took a chance, you just might have fun with it. Or you might hate it. Or be bored with it. I promise you a reaction. Here is also a Buy Now Tab

That's about it. To everyone who said I'd never finish the book, thanks for reading. To everyone who offered off the record encouragement. Thanks for reading. It's been fun. The end.

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro

The Last Ride- Hamtramck Music Fest Review Saturday

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Well, this    Is   It. The "Last Ride" with the Hamtramck Music Festival. And by that I mean I'm not doing this anymore. As I mentioned in the previous post, this was the first year that I did not have fun. The bands I saw were good, but I felt something was missing. Don't get me wrong, the bands (who played for free) and the volunteers worked their asses off to make it a respectable festival were disco, but the majority of the people running the deal (most under the name of Question Mark) really botched things this year. Because it is 2022, there will be excuses, passive aggressive pity parties, and deflection. Or they won't refer to anything at all and lay dormant until next year (if you're a gambler, take that bet). As for the show, and the feeling of "something missing", as the best local journalist I made sure to eavesdrop on some conversations and though the people having them seemed happy, they all seemed to be wearing masks and would have been more happy talking about the weather. Before we get to Saturday, as for Sunday, the Vendor Trade Fair at Trixie's sounds cool and fun and I would love some photos of the Rock and Roll Brunch at the PLAV #10. I wonder if Hip in Detroit will be there trying to swap some unused drink tickets. Also, does that Weir dude still do that cringe Bahama thing?

   The big thing out of Friday's showcase was that Moose Lodge cancelled the entire event. I actually went there. There was no mention of any cancellation anywhere. Just absolutely mind boggling and inconveniencing for the bands, especially the bands, the venues scrambling to try to fit extra acts on, the volunteers who are as in the dark as we all are, and even the organizers, the one's who have a shred of decency. You would think that with 80% of the proceeds going to "Production, PR, the website, Facebook, security (ha ha), and future funds (ummmmmm ok), there would have been better communication regarding this.

   Then today, Saturday, I wake up at 3:30pm to see this direct from their FB:

Okay, now you tell me if they are deliberately fucking with me, taunting, and giving a middle finger to everybody who was planning on going to the Moose Lodge tonight... That blurb was posted around noon on Saturday (I capped it around 7, well after the event started), and as of 7pm, the website had not been updated, nor any mention on their Facebook about the Moose Lodge dropping out. To be fair, as I type this at 5am, the website has been updated, removing Moose Lodge from the schedule. Great job there! Somebody, a live human being, likely being compensated from the 60% of proceeds, posted that. They knew the Moose Lodge was dropping off as far back as early Friday (trust me because I know). Yet, zero mention on their Facebook or donated website, which was never updated with the schedule changes even after they finally removed Moose Lodge late Saturday/early Sunday. And then there's that smug "as things can change". Here are some of the local acts (playing for free) that have been pinballed this weekend:

Hahaha that was from three days ago and they are still listed. Gold.

   If anything good comes from this, at least the mystery 20% of "all proceeds" will be going to a good cause, though we will probably never know what that cause is. I would have a decent laugh if the grifters actually donated the 20% to a group that were also grifters and the world caves in on itself. Actually...I wouldn't be surprised, Oh, fuck this. On to the review:

   Wang and I arrive to Hamtramck to get a decent parking spot, almost the same one I had on Friday, close to the Polish Sea League and Baker's, and Whiskey in the Jar, and then Elizabeth First arrives with the tambourine which means we now have three tambourines total and we wait for Kentucky Pete who eventually arrives on a chopper, sunburnt, with a portfolio, a fucking Binder, of bootleg Hamtramck Music Festival posters that he was hoping to get signed, along with multiple signed 8X10's (forged) of Kay Parker, Nina Hartley, and TT Boy.

   "Do you want to tell him?" I ask Wang.

   "What? That he is illegally parked?"

   "No, that those posters are worthless," I reply.

   "Where are we going? I need a drink," E First asks.

   "Aren't you sick?" K Pete asks.

   "It's not a big deal. Besides, think of it as me doing the world a big favor."

   "Whiskey has an act at 7:30 according to the schedule," I offer.

   "The schedule... well that's about as unreliable as you Bryan," Wang says.

   "The schedule is about as unreliable as you Wang," K Pete jumps in.

   "The schedule is as unreliable as me," E First says, and we all start whooping and hollering, slapping high fives, many high fives, and then we go to Whiskey in the Jar and catch some act called Bourbon Squirrel setting up.

   "What's the name of this band?" E First asks as I realize that Kentucky Pete has already disappeared here.

   "The fraudulent schedule says this is Bourbon Squirrel, but who knows," I reply.

   "Things change!" we all shout and slap high five some more and order another round despite our first round not even touched.

   "Damn, I should have worn my squirrel suit. Get in good with the band, y'know. Extra drink tickets! Maybe even play tambourine," E First says, pouting. I remember the squirrel costume well, but not really.

   "Okay, I'm already bored," Wang says and logs on to his Draftkings account on his tablet to play Live Dealer Blackjack. I take out the Mojo Wire and do the same.

   "It's the wrong time of day to be playing. Everyone is either a weedhead or an amateur. Probably both," Wang mutters.

   "I agree, but we could luck into a side bet," I reply as E First takes out her phone and attempts to set up a Draftkings account..

   "Use me as a reference," Wang says.

   "No, use me as a reference," I repeat, this time a warning. We get back to the game.

   "Look at this waterhead dealing. Two cards in a row, he can't flip the card. He has to be high," Wang mutters as he loses $5.

   "Maybe they're volunteers," I joke and we all laugh and slap high five. Whatever band that is scheduled for 7:30 starts playing and we leave.

   We arrive at Granny's Chandelier to catch 1magine's set just for the irony that he tried to get a local venue shut down (or some pity money, typical), a venue that is hosting the HamFest, and one that hasn't backed out and is accepting acts from the venues that have. I wanted to interview him about his opinions on integrity and why so many weedheads split on twenty, but Wang said there is no good wi-fi here and I see E First take the acid which was always in the cards so we leave and head back to Polish Sea League where we catch the Hourlies, a great set, and we set up out virtual blackjack table.

   "Why do these fools always split on twenty?" Wang mutters and this is when -jr pops up on all of our devices.

   "What's going on fuck-o's? Wish I could be there but I have better things to do. Anyway, I have a few extra minutes soooooooo, group chat. Top 10 chicks that waited too long to doff it?" This is when things turned sideways.

   "Meg Ryan," Wang says almost immediately as he logs off of blackjack after dropping $75. He is not wrong.

   "Agree," I say, secretly jealous that he probably got the number one answer so I try to counter with Teri Hatcher, already embarrassed. 

   "Cindy Crawford," E First says, still playing on her phone.

   "Farrah Fawcett," me.

   "Britney," me again, trying to save face.

   "Neve Campbell," -jr say, a fantastic pick, and I slowly draw blood from scratching at the bootleg wristband.

   "Boom! Good one," say, conceding this round, and me and Wang slap high five despite it being -jr's pick.

   "Meg Ryan, number one," -jr says, and I can't stop sweating.

   "Flapjack titties," Wang says even though it was his pick, the stupid bastard.

   "Plastic baggies," -jr replies, obviously in fine form.

   "Should have doffed during the Top Gun era," Wang.

   "Meg Ryan was not in Top Gun," I say trying to regain some semblance of pride.

   "Nahhh, I said the era dude."

   "Then just say the 80's pal. Who is going to relate to hearing the Top Gun Era?" I am frantic.

   "Top Gun was in the 80's. Rambo as well.," E First chimes in.

   "Why not just say the 80's then!" I am losing it.

   "Triangles of flesh," E First says circling back to Meg Ryan and we all concede that she won that round. High fives everywhere.

   "Well, at least we have the titles of our next four singles," I reply, making a joke, still bitter about being outplayed here so far. At this point we leave and head to Ant Hall to catch the Handgrenades' set (if they haven't been cancelled or dropped out).

We ignore the band playing and get back to arguing, all of us trying to one-up the other.

   "I would say Marisa Tomei, but she's still hot. She did wait a while though," Wang starts.

   "Hotter with age," -jr.

   "Yep. Tomei not on the list," Metro.

   "Agree," E First.

   "Belinda Carlisle, although her Playboy spread was not bad," I offer, and grin when I see Wang muttering to himself.

   "I don't know who that is," -jr says, faking it.

   "Lead singer of the Go-Go's," I reply. Silence.

   "Sunny. WWF," -jr shouts, obviously pissed at not knowing who Belinda Carlisle is, but still a great call.

   "Great call. Could actually be number one," I say.

   "Usually, the reverse is true. They doff early on, make it big, then don't think they have to do it anymore," Wang says, obviously philosophical.

   "Yep. The Game of Thrones chick, "E First says, and then under her breath, "Maybe me."

   "New topic. Top ten Doffs in their prime," -jr shouts as the table next to us starts to pay attention.

   "Margot Robbie. Wolf of Wall Street. Number one. No contest," I shout; high fives.

   "Erika Elaniak. Under Siege," -jr, a decent counter but not as good as my pick.

   "Lohan," E First says.

   "Lohan could actually be on both, 'in their prime' and 'waited too long'," I reply while giving myself a high five.

   "Anne Heche was pretty super cute in that Psycho remake," E First says while not looking at the rest of us playing with a swizzle stick, either being earnest or intentionally trying to kill the mood.

   "I think she had a girl on girl scene in a different movie. Better footage," Wang says, foiling E First's plot to ruin the mood.

   "Did you see, read, that she sat up like a zombie after that accident?" E First continues, really intent on zapping the mood. The man at the table next to us, sitting by himself, sweating profusely leans in while leering at E First.

   "Sometimes your brain does weird stuff and there is nothing you can do about it."

   "Elizabeth Berkley," Wang or -jr says, getting us back on track. I am losing track.

   "Good call," I say, "I snuck into Showgirls in high school. I was actually disappointed. She's skinny dumpy."

   "Denise Richards."

   "Marisa Tomei," -jr says, obviously not keeping up, but not exactly wrong.

   "Denise Richards is borderline. Her PB spread showed she has a pucker butt," I say, now officially off the rails and E First starts cackling.

   "Nope. Wild Things dude," -jr says and I hear him give himself a high five.

   "Ah shit, I forgot," I concede, "Nah, not on the list," I apologize.

   "I thought we were now onto Prime," Wang says as he quietly logs back on to blackjack.

   "Yes, we are sticking with Prime. Halle Berry. Salma Hayak, Desperado," I stammer trying to pull into the lead.

   "I heard that was a body double," Wang says, the bitter bastard.

   "No, closed set. Look it up." 

   "She's gotten naked in other movies," Wang replies, flustered, maybe bitter. A small victory.

   At this point Handgrenades have finished and some other band is setting up. I am interested in the other movies that Salma Hayak has gotten naked in and write myself a note to look them up which E First sees me do. We leave and head to Small's to catch the Amino Acids who are basically noteworthy because they stole their gimmick from a Jack White video. A solo video. Yuck.

   "Aren't you banned from here?" E First asks, grinning.

   "Yeah, but we all have wristbands so it should be fine,"I reply, guessing.

   "But all of our wristbands are fake. Bootlegged," she says, but not really concerned. She doesn't care which is the best way to go about things.

   "Yepp," I reply, and the conversation is abandoned which is the best way to go about things.

  The Amino Assholes start playing and we all put our earplugs in and resume the dialogue...

   "Blurred Lines girl. Emily Ragnarok. The perfect hardbody," I say, a slam dunk, high fives.

   "Demi Moore, Striptease," Wang counters.

   "Nice call on Demi," I say, "Fake but fit."

   "Jennifer Connelly in The Hot Spot," Wang continues, showing off.

   "Heather Graham in Boogie Nights," he continues, and I start to furiously sweat and consider ditching them all.

   "Chick from American Pie that was on the cover of Maxim for a year," Wang. He...just...won't...stop...

   "Nicole Kidman, Eyes Wide Shut, or Dead Calm. Amazing white girl ass," I say, gaining ground.

   "Hey, no extra points. That's another topic."

   "Sharon Stone, Basic Instinct, although she was arguable hotter in Total Recall," E First chimes in. She's alive!!

   "Agree. 100% hotter in Total Recall. Because she kept her clothes on," I retort.

   "Yes, its what you don't know that matters the most," E First laughs as the table exchanges high fives. I even see -jr slap his screen high five.

   "Heather Graham. Shannon Elizabeth," -jr says.

   "Try to keep up with the conversation Patrick," we all say. The Amino Acids have stopped playing and the venue is clearing out.

   "Pamela Anderson for the second list," someone says, and I no longer know what we are talking about.

   "Linnea Quigley," someone says.

   "Which list?" someone asks.

   "Whichever you want," someone answers.

   "Shannon Tweed," Wang offers.

   "Shannon could be on both lists as well. She doesn't own any clothes," I reply.

   "Just my type," E First says.

   "Jodie Foster but Only from the Accused, Not Nell," -jr says.

   "New topic. Greatest love scenes of all time," E First says.

   We all click off and then we leave.

From the Iceman Commeth,

The Boy Next Door

#metroforsheriff

Dr. Bryan Metro

Hamtramck Music Fest Day 1 Review-Friday

 From the National Affairs Desk-

Where were you when the fun stopped?

This one is going to be tough. It is 6am and the sun has yet to come up and I am writing this post by keyboard rather than my usual way of longhand, then typing it up which means it is going to lack my usual style. This should tell you a lot.

   Main Day 1, Friday of Hamtramck Music Fest is in the books, and I have very mixed feelings about it. I'm actually very depressed to be honest. I have been going to these things since they were Blowout's as far back as 2007 and (this is chilling) this is the very first year that I didn't have fun. Don't get me wrong, the acts I saw (more on that later) were more or less pretty good, but there was something missing, something far worse than where the 20% of profits are going. Okay, maybe not that bad ho ho ho. I have no intention of turning this into a narrative so I will just toss up some bullet points of notes and things I recall.

- I was in a hurry from the start because despite my creative output I am lazy by nature and had to rush to the Fed Ex joint to print up my "Metro For Sheriff" HamFest exclusive flyers. They were packed so I used my Metro Times press pass (which I was already wearing) to cut in line stating it was an emergency and things were actually off to a good start. It felt like old times, as recent as last month times, even though I was riding solo for now.

- I tried to get somebody, anybody to take the sidekick role that has benefitted so many of these write-up's in the past, but nothing was working...

Wang- "Family stuff."

Kentucky Pete- "Sorry, I'm double booked."

E First- "I have the Bug." (The lack of clarification was especially ominous).

-jr- "I will not be at this event."

- The ride to the splendid enclave of Hamtramck was uneventful, which could have been seen as a warning. I had negotiated to play tambourine along with E First with two of the acts listed, but then E First got sick. I also had negotiated to play a pop-up DJ/performance set at one of the venues. None of this happened because this is the game that moves as you play. For posterity, here is the setlist for the aborted DJ/JCM performance.

I actually found an okay place to park down the street from Polish Sea League within walking distance of Baker's and Whiskey in the Jar. This will be my HQ. I took this time to set up my Metro For Sheriff Flyer with bonus wristbands for a scavenger hunt that I was planning for Day 2, Saturday. This was also aborted.

I decided to declare myself an early winner of the aborted JCM scavenger hunt I had planned and crudely tape one of the bootleg wristbands on and decide to check out the scene at Polish Sea League. Nothing was cooking so I took the time to roam around. I ran into Lee M. who gave me a thumbs up, a small victory, and Record Store Kid who was warm but distant. I ended up spending more time than expected flirting with the door girl who could have been my type and she playfully locked the door saying "You can't leave now", so I didn't leave, and I said, "What if somebody wants to come in?" and she said, "I don't know about that," an invitation or foreshadowing... and she asked what the dark black marker writing was on my hand (It said "Don't set the backpack down") and I replied, flirting back, "You'll never know". I think she was supposed to be checking wristbands as people came in. She asked about the bag of vegetables I was carrying. I shrugged it off pretending to not hear her. At that point JSB walked in. Oh boy. I tried to make a joke saying, "Oh this guy's my dealer," and he joked back, "Yeah, I have all the goods," and then I said I had to check out for a bit and she chirped, "See you soon," and I said, "Okay," and then under my breath, "Don't count on it."

   I made the walk back to the car to make sure it hasn't been stolen and then walked to Whiskey in the Jar. On the way, while looking for places to buy low alcohol beer (there were none) a group of three kids jumped in front of me, probably around 8 or 9 years old.

   "Three dollar hamburger in there," they said pointing at a diner (?) I didn't bother to note.

   "Three dollar hamburger!!!" this time louder, and I had a serious case of deja vu so I backed away for a second and then realized that they reminded me of the "Bubblegum Gang" from the Hostel movies, so I take out my pack of Dentine Fire and call out "Bubblegum!" and they all start laughing and then run back into the diner. This would end up being the most surreal moment of my experience so stop reading if you're into that.

   I end up at Whiskey as Bitchcraft were playing. They were okay. I wanted to hate them based on my research but they were solid. I would say their musical acumen is on par with mine.

What's going on in the background there? Yikes! 

After that Vellows began setting up. I vaguely recognized one of the guitar players but couldn't place him. I pulled aside some local music guy that I kind of know because I knew this would stress me out.

   "That guy with the guitar. He was in that one band with the guy who died," I say, a perfect conversation starter if there ever was one.

   "Yeah, Love Meets Lust I think. I don't remember the name of the guy who died though," the reply.

   "Yeah, that's the band. He's a good dude," I reply ignoring the second half because I also don't remember the name of the guy who passed and this chills me to no end, depresses me, frustrates me, and I have a feeling that there will be no fun tonight.

   Vellows was great. I really enjoyed their two guitar set up. The songs were tight. I have no complaints.

Jump, flash, cut and I am back at Polish Sea League. The door girl (who might be in love with me) is chatting with these two old Hamtramck drunks. Typical. She tells them that her name is Bethany, but then says Bridget. She keeps changing her name. She could be a character in my debut novel "The Invisible People" which will be available next week! While Vulgars are setting up, I take the time to set up the Jesus Chainsaw Suck-Off stand. After setting it up I take it down because I realize I am not having any fun. I catch some of Vulgars. Once again, also good. This was advertised as their final show which stressed me out because I had never heard of them before.

 I jogged back to the Silver Hornet to drop off the produce, cut to Polish Sea League to see my next ex-wife, who wasn't there, a warning.

I am at Polish Thing League and set up the JCM Vegetable Suck-off table but after I set up the table and was ready to rumble, I just got even more depressed and aborted that too.

This is when the bottom drops out. I race back to Baker's. It turns out White Bee, who could probably be my best friend

is no longer playing and was replaced by....wait for it......Deastro. Yeah, the same Deastro who JCM beat for Best Electronic (haha) music artist in 2009 and spends his days complaining about capitalism and working. While at Baker's I am finally "made" by the meathead security goon.

   "That is a paper wristband," he says as he rips it from my hand.

   "I won it in a contest. Talk to them. I got it from a pimp a block over."

   "You have to leave," he says, brain dead.

   "Okay, but I just want you to know that I have twenty more. Have a good one!"

   Things were beginning to unravel so I jog back to Whiskey and then jog back to Polish Sea and then take the Silver Hornet to Checkers to eat for old times sake. I thought about popping into the New Dodge for old times sake but I really wanted to catch the Burn Maralago set at the Moose Lodge because I had taken the time to make a special sign just for them

I find a decent parking spot, crush my last low alcohol beer, get ready for fun fun fun.

Wait no. The Moose Lodge is closed. They are not hosting the Hamtramck Music Fest. Okay, let's transition from "lighthearted, though depressing, review" to "pissed review".

What the fuck. An entire venue cancels and there was zero notification made. I drove from my good parking spot, supporting multiple local venues and bands, tipping very well, to a place that had been promoted as hosting acts only to find out it was closed. I'm sorry, but anybody who is offering me "cute" $100 bets about the integrity of HMF needs to pay up and pay up now. $100. Right fucking now. A venue that is STILL on their $10,000 PR budget website was closed. I fucking sat outside and took photos of people walking up to the door and walking away. I won't post them because they are strangers. Inexcusable. I literally sat across the street eating my Checkers watching people drive up, park, walk up, then drive off. Nothing on their cheapjack Facebook page and nothing on their DONATED cheapjack website. Inexcusable. 

So here I am sitting in the car, trading messages from Elizabeth First ("What have you done? I'm all for it. Wow. How could they not say an entire venue cancelled? Worst festival ever." ) and Sebastian Owl ("Cosmic Light Shapes were the only act to reference the venue change. Moved to Ant Hall at 9:30. No reason why."). Perfect, and so typical. So what happened to the Adam Padden Band at 9:30? Playing in an alley? Did they drop out too?

I needed to start a new paragraph because I just wanted to emphasize that an entire venue cancelled, a venue that is kind of on the outskirts, and zero communication was made via the HMF website ($10k of the promotion account, but donated) or their FB page (free). Inexcusable. I do want to note that they had extra door people this year (how much were they paid??), which I applaud because who wants to let anybody in for free right? They all were wearing HamFest tshirts, the kind they were selling at HMF HQ (Is that closed yet?). Except their T-shirts had "Security" printed on the back. I need me one of those. Count on it...

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Polish Sea League Girl- Call Me

Dr. Bryan Metro

#metroforsheriff

JCM Secret Show at HamFest + Metro for Sheriff

* Update- For some reason I am still on the HMF's mailing list and I received this gem today from their website (donated by Yodi btw). Some interesting takeaways from it.

-I went ahead and corrected the "all proceeds" to "20% of the proceeds" to avoid even more confusion.

- Also what does "benefit music education" even mean? Can we get even more vague?

- "Some venues are cash only". Hey! Great idea to include which venues are cash only so that people, like, would know.

- Also, there is no clarification on which venues require vaccination status. That should go over well as well.

- Also, This e-mail is the first mention I've seen of shuttle buses running for the Fest. Where are the drop off spots? The last thing I want is for my tambourine player to be waiting around a venue for a bus that's never coming, or worse, just drives by, and gets gang banged by a bunch of waterheads.

   These yahoo's really need to get on the same page or at least fire whoever is running the website/mailing list and taking a part of the 60 % of the "Production Tab".

So I would like to pick a number out of a hat, let's say $100, and let's double it to $200, and I will take over the "production" of the website to ensure that everybody maximizes their HMF experience. Because, despite my "roasting", I really do believe that the bands need the exposure, especially after the pandemic which saw the local music scene decimated. What the Fest needs is somebody with an established site and constant fanbase to get behind it and really work on the marketing & promotion of the Fest. Metro Times has left it dead in the water. There is no more Real Detroit. Milo is still jacking off to the Millions of Brazilians. So why not take some of the 60%/10k Production costs and give me my $200 and I will fix everything? It really is a no-brainer, but then again that seems to be the trend. Now let me get back to the latest song I am working on, "Was Queen Kwong Really Worth It?"

 From the National Affairs Desk-

It is 2pm and I am finally waking up, sick to the gills, STILL, from wandering around the Sheraton Novi waiting for Kentucky Pete last weekend for that horror convention (which you can read about here), and it was lawn crew day to boot. Even worse, I check my phone and see a message from Elizabeth First, that spider, who I haven't talked to in weeks, and was actually going to call in a wellness check but didn't because people like us live forever, and the message said, "Just to let you know, I voted for you to be the Wayne County Sheriff," and things like this are always the way things start to begin.

   Jump, flash, zoom, cut to the present and me and Kentucky Pete, the Wizard, are at this Walgreens where he has sent in an order for "Bryan Metro for Sheriff" posters that we can populate the Hamtramck Music Fest with. As expected the posters were not ready, the order actually cancelled, and K Pete starts waving around a butter knife hissing at the staff and just like that he is banned from yet another Walgreens and things like this are always the way things start to begin.

   Slow dissolve, and me and K Pete are at another Walgreens and everything goes smooth and as we are walking to the car I actually take the time to apologize to him that things weren't as exciting as they could have been. While heading back, I receive a text, the first in a series that just may make things interesting.

   "JCM should play after the last act at [REDACTED] on Friday or Saturday," the text said, and it caught my attention. I assume this was for the Hamtramck Music Fest so I reply, "Sure. Whatever's right," and contact the crew. The results were painfully predictable:

   "I will not be at this show," -jr.

   "I sold the bass. You know this," Wang Yellowbone

   "             " Peter the Freshman

   "In the desert," The Indian

   "I have Friday off. Maybe we can protest the actual Fest during the set. Make sure to bring the tambourine, blood, and my clothes from the last, final show," E First, of course...

  So it was decided. JCM, secret show, 12:45/1am, secret venue, Hamtramck Music Fest. This actually inconveniences me because it cuts in to my "Metro for Sheriff" campaign. The next thing to do was make a flyer.

Then after that, I made some more flyers. If Big Chicken can have a Cucumber Suck Off then JCM can as well, so in addition to hearing some really cutting edge, trendy, but not too hip that it's not hip, music, all the ladies out there now have an opportunity to actually make some money from this!! And you will know where that 20% is going baybay. Lisa J, I'm looking at you.

After the cucumber suck off flyer I decided to make some more. If anything's worth doing, it's worth doing right.

Jump, zoom, flash, cut to the present and things have started to spiral even more. I receive a message that Nique Rhodes & the NLR Experience have dropped out of the Fest due to some concerns. 

This kind of sucks because they were one of my more favorable reviews in my preview. Initially I wanted to message them, "Integrity is a dying art. You are now doomed," but then I thought about scrapping the secret show and offering JCM as a replacement. Or maybe keeping the secret show and doing both. Or even replacing Nique, keeping the secret show, and still doing another, a Second!, secret show on Saturday. The possibilities were literally endless. At the end I decided to let others get the "rub" of playing for free. Namely, the legendary Blues Brothers of Central New York. These skullcrackers have been around forever, and don't really have the public eyes that they should have. Yes, I know what you are thinking, "These two yahoo's are based out of Central New York. Why should they be allowed to play in our hallowed enclave of Hamtramck, MI??" Well, hear me out. That didn't stop HMF from booking the famous house-flipper Queen Kwong a few years ago. Trying...trying...trying not to post the pics for old times sake. So why can't the local music community embrace Jake and Elwood. All the hits. Big time hits. Extra treats. They have yet to respond to my booking notification so I guess just pencil them in for now. I did make a flyer for it though, just in case.

So that's it for now, probably my last preview. I sincerely hope that everybody who does attend has fun, plays it safe, safe as milk, and supports the acts that are performing as Nique alluded to above. They are all doing this for free. Full disclosure- I have never had a bad time at a HamFest, and you can trust me. Don't forget about that wristband contest. Favorite JCM memory= 1 wristband. Safe as milk. Plus the weather should be nice.

From the Iceman Commeth,

The Boy Next Door,

#metroforsheriff

Dr. Bryan Metro

Hamtramck Music Fest Preview Part 3 M-Zzz

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Okay, let's get this over with. It's been too long already, and like the Fest itself, these posts are actually losing me readers/eyes. As an act of kindness, I am recreating a contest that we did for our first Blowout back in '09. Back then we had an extra wristband to giveaway so we had a contest here. The winner, Mitchell Allen, actually went on to have a decent local music career, even playing last year's HamFest. How time sorts things...

   Anyway, this year, I stopped off at one of the record stores that are pre-selling the wristbands and picked up 7, one for each member of JCM; Dr. Metro, -jr, Wang Yellowbone, Elizabeth First, Peter the Freshman, The Indian, and "Suck", our drummer. Turns out that none of them have any interest in going so now I am stuck with 6 extra wristbands, 7 if I end up dying alone. So if you want one, all you have to do is e-mail or message me your favorite JCM moment and its yours. I will have to make sure you are a real person of course as I have had death threats in the past. The wristband can be mailed or via some type of pre-arranged "Will Call". Your info will obviously be confidential and safe. That's real talk.

   Let's get to the preview! Format remains the same. I look up the act and judge based on appearance. This will be letters M-Z. So far the people of color count is at 13 and Possible Babes at 4 (Yikes!).

Macho- Off to a great start!!

Marq Andrew Speck- Sounds like a hockey player.

Memphis Hawk & the Blind Messengers- One second, you are going to love this...

Memphis Hawk- Yes, Memphis Hawk is booked twice, listed twice on the flyer, and confirmed twice on the schedule. So, if you are one of the acts that applied to play and got the "We received so many submissions we couldn't take everyone" line be sure to take advantage of the wristband contest above and tell Memphis to eat a bag of dicks. Dude has less followers than JCM. Playing 2 sets...

Milk Bath- Look like decent people.

Modus Operandi- Impossible to find because there are like twenty of them. Surprised all 20 aren't booked.

Mystery Math- Found nothing. This is frying my nerves. The big mystery is where the money is going.

N2Submission Ft. The Impaler Ft. Monster Truck- Ah yes, The Impaler. Was Satori Circus booked?

Nick Juno- Wonder if he blah blah blah...

Nique Rhodes- Decent crew. Adding six to the POC tally.

Nvdeem- Dude bears an eerie resemblance to that Greatest Wrestling Collection drug dealer/house flipper (and based on the hand gesture, white supremacist. Wonder how the Godfather feels about that...). Not Nvdeem though, he just seems to be a weedhead.

Origami Phase- Probably nice people.

Palace of Auburn Hills- Stupid name. Dumb trend of local stuff co-opted into a band name that nobody outside of Michigan would care about. The irony, nobody in Michigan cares about them either. I guess the Illitches was already taken.

Paranormal Paratroopers- Look like okay people that play at Small's too much.

Paul Einhaus Arrest- Cool name. Not looking it up.

Permanently Pissed- My nickname in college, post college, every damn day. Oh, the band? Probably nice people. Maybe not.

Phil Profitt & His Fast Fortunes- Oh the jokes to be made if I haven't made them 100 times before in these previews.

Piffle- Did some research and this is the Jah Connery guy from the last preview. Yet Another act that is double booked. You know what to do wristband contest winners.

The Pink 50's- Look like bums.

Poor Player- Ryan Allen side project? Just kidding. Nice people. Next.

Rachel Brooke Band- Hey, its Country White Shag Girl!

Rainbow Room- I never trust an act that has 500 fliers and no photos. Plus, you can never score good coke at the Rainbow Room. However I believe one of the members voted to keep JCM on at the HMF we were booted off of, so they get a pass.

Remnose- Good people. Confirmed.

Ruff Patch- When I first met my ex wife we were both around 23 and it was at a club and we were there with mutual friends and we ended up sleeping together that night after I stole a tie at Meijer at 3am just because I wanted a tie and before we slept together she warned me she wasn't shaved because she wasn't planning on sleeping with anyone that night. The name Ruff Patch reminds me of this memory. As for the band, I have no clue.

Sabbatical Bob- My nickname at every job I've held.

Schedule IV- Finally we have a "Keeper". Also what is wrong with this pic? Hot chick with three Darren McCarty's and Fandango. Actually, makes total sense.

Swartz ET- I see shit like this and I think DJ. Pass.

Scotty Karate- Hippie.

Screw- This is Asian bass player Wang's favorite name from the flyer. "It gets right to the point," was his quote. As for the band. Pass.

Shrinq Mountain- I was intrigued by the name. Nope, generic white dude.

Siamese- So, the Pawn Shop Guy from Pulp Fiction, a Carolin Striho facsimile, Crazy Legs Sal, and a rejected character from Tim & Eric walk into a bar...

Sick Smile- One of my favorite acts on the Fest this year. Actually, all the other year's as well. Decent people who can be witty, which is a bonus. I can't recommend them enough. See you there!

Social Meteor- Seem like good people, but lose points for posting the HMF flyer with "Woohoo, we are going to the Super Bowl of summertime rock!" Oh dear. Either that, or I give up my Crown of Satire.

Sound Tech Band- I'm not looking them up, but I did laugh out loud at the name. I hope they are playing with "Food Truck".

Spacecadet- Seem like good people.

Sros Lords- They used to be on my FB page but aren't anymore. So, pussies.

Slate- Pick a name that is not the same as a cheapjack website.

Steve Harvey Oswald- Ah yes, when you order the Jesus Chainsaw Massacre on Wish. They think they are post-ironic and clever (and will probably update their bio with this), but just have way too much time on their hands to make memes that ultimately fall flat. If Metro and -jr are the Lennon/McCartney of internet trolling, then this act is the Young Bucks (AEW).

The Stick Arounds- Good people. Let's end this.

The Stiff Ones- I chuckled at the name. And then they absolutely terrified me. What the fuck...

Strange Heart- More of the same.

Strength Beyond You- Seem to have a good sense of humor.

Sudden Death Syndrome- I am trying, legitimately trying, but I am coming up with nothing.

Switchblade Vengeance- The letter "S" has made this task next to impossible.

Tart- I think this is the Asian guy from Jason Von Real Estate's band's band. The singer looks too much like Sadie for my liking.

Three Spoke Wheel- I'm slowly losing it.

Tiger Lily- They look happy.

Tino G's Dumpster Machine- This entire post has let me down and should be placed in Tino's dumpster.

Toed- I took time out of my increasingly short life to search for this.

Tony Kasino Family Band- Ah, the dreaded "Family Band". If you like that stuff, you will have fun. I'm not promising anything.

Tony Paris & the Sugarburn- The only reason I am previewing this is because their pic shows somebody that looks like me, could be me, but we all know that they can alter photographs.

Tosha Owens Band- Seem like good people that like to have a good time.

Vellows- Full disclosure- Chris from this band has been passed over so many times for Fests like this even though he has more talent than 75% of the acts playing but the unfortunate detail of not knowing so and so and so and so. That seems to have changed lately as I've seen this act booked more which is good, but also bad because I now hate them because they may have sold their souls. Anyway, thankfully this year his act finally got a nod. I think I've just cursed this set.

Virginia Violet- I tried searching and found around 25 profiles from Onlyfans and City Club rejects. Finally I found the one playing the Fest. Hey, what can I say? I'm a fan. Top fan here. No wonder Queen Kwong split town... Big fan.

Vulgars- Dude, is this another record store kid band? That's five people playing twice. Inhuman. You know what to do wristband winners.

Warhorses- Been around forever. Fall into the category of posting fliers and receiving comments like, "Darn, I'll be out of town."

Werewolves- I'm sure they're good but they look so boring.

The Whiskey Charmers- Been everywhere. Played every Fest. Next.

White Bee- Seems to be a good person. Needs to stay away from step brothers and step dads though. I'm including her on the "Maybe" list because of personality of course.

Wine Stoned Cowboys- They are exactly who you think they are.

The Witches- Boring.

Witchpuncher- Eh, we're almost done. While we wait for the next act, how about another search on Virginia Violet!

The Wonders of the Deep- Didn't find anything. Soon this will be over.

Zilched- Took us to letter "Z" to finally put us at 7 possible babes out of 150 bands playing this thing. I wonder if she plays.....oh shit!!

The Zotz- They all look like they are cosplaying the toxic waste guy from Robocop. And that's it!!

   We're done. This preview was a chore. You have NO idea. I apologize for the over the top misogyny but not really because we're all in character. The final tally of POC I saw was 25 (though there could be more), and the total on possible babes is at 7 (though there could be more. Don't count on it). You figure it out.

   Now to the important stuff. With this preview out of the way you can count on some really wild content moving forward. On the horizon, we have the actual HamFest review, the wristband contest, that'll be bonkers right! Then we have the book release which will be bonkers, and then the Metro For Wayne County Sheriff campaign which will be bonkers. Thanks for slogging through this mess with me. We'll get through it, and have fun doing it. Now is the time to give the people what they want. Trust me. Have I ever lied to you?

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro