The Fat Meets the Fire in the Fast Lane

Forward-

Metro here. Thanks a lot Trump for testing positive for Covid, thus stealing the thunder of my post about the triumph of the human will and a body's refusal to die. One side effect of this bombshell announcement is the utter pollution of my social media feed; completely fascinating. Out of curiosity I went around some public sites like the Free Press, a few radio station pages, etc, and dear god, the comments were absolutely insane. I have to say it has never been blue or red here (Lavender, duhhh), but the past year has brought out the absolute worst in people, and I thought I set that standard years ago. I clicked on some of these comments from strangers and saw previous posts asking, begging for peace, love, equality, justice, health, climate change, and just 24 hours later, pure toxicity making them on the same level as Trump. And they don't even realize it, which is the scary part. One fat middle aged woman was ranting, almost cheering, and just yesterday she was horrified that the 17 year old Waterhead who shot somebody at Erebus' life was now over.....the....shooter's....life.....was....over. I could make an entire post with these people and their comments; with screencaps. It'll be a more depressing, postmodern version of a "dressed/undressed" tumblr page.

     I digress, back to the original post. The past few blog posts have referenced a mysterious, cryptic "medical procedure". This past Tuesday I finally had my appointment and can speak freely on it. Months ago, a tumor was discovered on my liver (go figure, huh?). A biopsy was in order and the Tumor Board decided that it would be best to just Nuke the Fucker while in there. I agreed. Why go in twice unless she's really nice, right? It ended up being the most extensive and interesting medical procedure of my life. Since I was drugged/asleep for most of it, I interviewed everyone afterwards for the real deal, the true story. This is it.

Oral Histories and Ablations-

McCleary (Real Estate Agent)- Over the past weekend I received an e-mail from a Bryan Metro claiming to be a local journalist working on an oral history of the Majestic Complex. He said that he had most of the information he needed except for the details regarding a sale of the property, along with asking price which my agency is handling.

Sebastian Owl (North Central Positronics Employee)- I was picked to be Metro's driver to the hospital and to take him home the next day. I arrived an hour early and he was already ready, wearing Christmas pajamas, a hoodie, moccasins, and socks with purple skulls on them. He had a Detroit Red Wings tote bag with medical papers, books, notebooks, Altoids, index cards, medicine, and the most ragged, worn-out pair of gym shorts I had ever seen. I had to check the bag to ensure there was nothing illegal in it. The only thing I took out was a bottle opener.

Bethany (Registration Desk/Radiology Department)- The patient arrived a half hour early, checked in, and sat with his back to the TV.

NaNook (Nurse Assistant)- I took Patient to the Prep Room and conducted the medical pre-screening. He thought it was the funniest thing to answer every question with "Not Yet". Heart disease, cancer, diabetes, smoking, stroke, all "Not Yet". The only question he answered differently was for Liver Disease, "No".

Sebastian- The nurse assistant came to get me and Metro's bag which was to be stored with him. They had the IV's in him already and he was waiting on "the Goodies". He had an index card in the tote bag with questions for the staff. All of the notes were serious except for the one asking if any of the on-the-clock nursing staff was on Pornhub which he asked me to scratch off.

Lynn (Anesthesiologist)- I was the anesthesiologist for Bryan's procedure. He started out answering my prelim questions with "not yet," but seemed to get tired of it, maybe a little bored. NaNook brought in his gown and blanket. When I got back I saw that his shirt said "Women's Wrestling Champion of the World".

Deb (Nurse's Assistant)- The patient seemed nervous because my allergies were bad that day and I kept sniffling. He told me that he used that line all the time and then asked his driver for an envelope from his bag.

Sebastian- I had a look at the drugs that were to be administered to Metro and noticed that one of them was in Michael Jackson's toxicology report. His reply was, "That's because I'm bad," a joke he stole from one of the Lethal Weapon movies. He then asks for an envelope I must have missed when searching his bag. All I could think was, "Oh no..."

Al (Intern)- I was the assigned intern for the patient's procedure. He seemed giddy when I pronounced his name correctly on the first try. Later, when Deb asked how he pronounced his name the patient said, "Ask him," while nodding at me. Don't ever let anyone tell you that Patient is racist.

Lynn- When I came back to the prep room Bryan gives me an envelope addressed to the hospital staff from The National Affairs Desk. When I asked him what it was he said it was a letter he wrote the night before and wanted it passed around the staff. He said that he figured we usually deal with rude complainers and sick people and he wanted to be different. I was worried but it also was a bit charming. I went to take my lunch.

(Blog Note: The transcription of the letter can be found in its entirety in the previous post or this link Here Here)

Sara (Anesthesia Assistant)- The patient asked Lynn for calming drugs before her lunch break and she left them for me to administer.

Sebastian- The drugs took effect almost immediately and Metro started to panic and rudely demanded I take notes of what he was thinking. At that point he had two IV's in him, probably his best meal in weeks, and could not move his writing arm. The notes were mostly boring things like, "Feeling chatty, eyes watering, and like looking through a transparent curtain". He concluded with a question and then got moody and stopped talking and the head anesthesiologist came back from her lunch and took him to the operating room and I went back to the waiting room and watched the trailer for "The Craft" reboot and then got distracted by

Lynn- On lunch, I read the letter in the envelope. It had Bryan's medical history, a list of ridiculous requests (beer from a local brewery like Atwater or Oktoberfest), and what to do if he died (film it). I had to share it with the staff and it became a running joke. When I got to the operating room I told him that Atwater might have an Oktoberfest and according to his chart, his birthday is October 3rd. I think he thought I was hitting on him.

Deb- The patient leaned over and whispered, "I think that girl is hitting on me." Dr. Schwartz then came in so it was time.

Lynn- Bryan asked me if he should try something like counting backwards while I administer the General Anesthesia. I told him he could count backwards, forward, or even speak French. This time I was hitting on him. Strangely enough, he actually started speaking in French. The only part I understood was, "My name is __________, pronounced 'Ro-Bear' (that part he said in English), and I am a writer free." Then he was out. I noticed he was holding an index card with questions on it and one was of a sexual nature that was poorly crossed off. Al took it and put it with the letter, laughing. The last thing Bryan ever said to me was, "Will I dream of electric sheep?" I didn't answer.

Dr. Schwartz (Head Surgeon)- I was the head surgeon for the patient's procedure. I made sure to have Type A Positive and a catheter for his bladder on hand due to the length of the procedure. Before Dr. Lynn administered the sedative I gave Patient an overview. After sedation we do a Cat Scan to verify and isolate the tumor so a guide can be used for an incision via Ultrasound. After the guide is established and saved, I make the incision and use a needle the size of a stick lighter to collect cells from the tumor (Biopsy 1), and then tissue from a normal area of the liver (Biopsies 2, 3, 4). We then heat the instrument and burn out the entire tumor (Ablation) along with some surrounding normal tissue. A second Cat Scan is then taken to ensure the entire tumor has been removed. Finally, the patient is taken to a recovery room and revived. The patient giggled when I mentioned the catheter and said he was a writer working on a script called "Piss Bag" while staring at Dr. Lynn. I believe he was hitting on her.

Sebastian- I was called back to the recovery room as Metro was waking up, no sad endings yet, and he was hacking because of the ventilator used during the operation and he was in one of his notorious, crabby, moods which was understandable, yet surprising because the catheter was not needed, although a third IV was inserted. I made sure to sneak the extra Type A blood into his Red Wings tote bag for him to chew on later during the Presidential debate.

Dr. Schwartz- I returned to check on the patient and tell him everything went well and that he didn't "croak and have to be resuscitated" as outlined in his note to the staff. I also joked, "There goes my book deal," also referenced in his letter. I decided to release him with a list of restrictions.

Sebastian- I couldn't believe it. He convinced them to let him leave that day. After 3 IV's, General Anesthesia, 4 biopsies, and a tumor removal. 

Evan (Orderly/Professional Surfer)- While removing Sai Metro's IV's I marvelled at the size of the needles used and turned to Welburn and said, "Dude, look at these things. Who did this guy piss off?"

Welburn (Orderly)- Evan was rambling about the IV's and I said, "Skinny guy, good veins, nothing I haven't seen before. The patient seemed to be flexing his muscles, posing. I was unimpressed.

Sebastian- Once the IV's were out and vital equipment removed, Metro jumps up, yelping in pain, and says, "We have to go. I've been discharged. I think they found the acid and my index card is missing. Security is probably a floor away by now," nothing I haven't heard before. He then tries to steal the hospital gown but it wouldn't fit in his tote bag so he grabs his paperwork and writes on an index card, "I'll see you in hell, China," leaves it on the bed, and we hijack a wheelchair and leave. I ask him what that was all about and he replied, "That was the last sentence of my final blog post in case I croaked in there. It was to be posted by you or -jr on the blog. The entire final post is in an envelope that no one will ever read now." Okay

William (Kroger Customer)- This guy wanders in and starts pretending to have a fit and imaginary kick people in the produce section. He then tried to steal a beer ad cardboard display before giving up and buying a steak.

Sebastian- After the hospital, Metro has me take him to multiple party stores, Kroger, and Speedway for an Icee. Of course, he had no money.

Andy (Speedway Gas Cashier)- The Big Time Writer comes in and causes a scene at the slushie machine, yelling at a family. He finally has one of his assistants buy a slush and lottery tickets while complaining that the customer in front of him was too young to have varicose veins. His assistant put everything on the North Central expense account.

-jr (Founder of North Central Positronics)- My only regret is not sending Metro graphic, disturbing images the day of his operation to unhinge him even more.

Vinnie (Co-Founder of JCM)- Metro messaged that night and we chatted about the debate, the media, Bella Thorne, and basketball.

E First (Tambourine Player for JCM/Bad Influence)- I was the first person to message Metro to congratulate him on the successful operation. Which is a pretty big deal, so I got that going for me.

Kentucky Pete (President of the JCM and Ghost fan clubs)- I was praying for him the whole way.

Melissa (Metro was Best Man at the Wedding)-                                                                                                                                                                                                                

McCleary- I received a follow up e-mail around 3 in the morning explaining the hospital stay and that the Journalist will be in contact for a phone interview soon regarding the Majestic Complex.

Sebastian- Before dropping Metro off I looked at his discharge papers and saw that he managed to violate half of his restrictions within a half hour. He got out of the car without saying anything, then stopped and turned back. "I think one of the nurses had a mastectomy." I asked him how and why he would know that and he replied, "Don't worry about it."

Afterword-

Metro here again. The majority of the timeline here did actually happen. A few bits were added, but does it matter? One thing I will confirm as 100% true is I did have three IV's, four biopsies, two Cat Scans, an Ultrasound, General Anesthesia, a breathing tube, and a tumor ablation at the hospital and was home the same day. The Anesthesiologist really did suggest having an Oktoberfest on my birthday, Saturday. I checked and Atwater does have a seasonal Oktoberfest called Bloktoberfest which means she knew this or took the time to look it up. I'm not saying this to be a Super Secret Tough Guy, but as an example that you can accomplish anything you put your mind to with the correct amount of lying to the Professionals. Oh, and I AM a Big Time Writer. The staff said that I may experience nausea for a while after the operation and boy they weren't wrong. As soon as I get home I see this same old "Detroit Sucks Harder" from relics from the past, this one regarding "chipping in" and buying the Majestic Complex and making it an artist collective. Bwahahahahahaha. Coming from a demographic always asking to borrow a bike, one step ahead of train kids. Maybe Sheefy can do a mural!

Of course I couldn't resist commenting along with Arthur here (former alias, current North Central intern).

Then local scenester blob Lisa Joan pops up with the same tired retorts.

I don't even think I've ever said anything bad about her, and I definitely deserve kudos for not posting the failed foray into the Suicide Girls fad, the vintage Queen Kwong treatment. But seeing the same cast of characters from years ago still floating around with dreams of...something made me feel a little nostalgic. Detroit, and all its tumors, will always have a place in my heart. The test results come back next week. Grab your pitchforks and popcorn. Who knows?

From the Iceman Commeth,

Bryan Metro