In The Belly of the Beast

 I have written a letter to give to the hospital staff before my procedure later this week. This is the full, unedited (aside from a few personal details) letter, my last official post until I return or meet you at the Clearing Tavern at the end of the Path.

From the National Affairs Desk-

"Weave a circle round him thrice,

And close your eyes with holy dread,

For he on honey-dew hath fed,

And drunk the milk of Paradise." -Samuel Taylor Coleridge

"No beast so fierce but knows some truth of pity....

But I know none, and therefore am no beast." -Will Shakespeare, "King Richard the Third"

"He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man." -Dr. Samuel Johnson

     Well everyone, we have finally come to what some call "The Night Train" (think Twilight Zone instead of the liquor). I have never had such a complicated procedure which makes this both stressful and fun. I assume all involved are Professionals so I left "Scary" off of the adjective list. First off, there are some things I'd like to emphasize (all in my medical history files):

- I have minor heart palpitations that come on during changes in temperature, ie: hot to cold.

- I have a xxxxxx xxxxxxx near xxxxxxxx that flares up and can be painful to the touch.

- I have a dry skin disorder on my left nipple. It also can be painful to the touch.

All of these have been examined by multiple physicians and they all concluded that it is "something I'll have to live with". Although if you have a referral to a stand-up Urologist around here I'll take it.

     Also, I want you all to know that I will try everything in my power to be discharged today including: Acting, lying, manipulating my bodily functions such as heart rate, brain waves, blood pressure, and bowel movements in order to confuse the medical equipment. Imagine hearing, "Doctor, the patient in 1B's heart rate has spiked and now resembles that of a hyper wolverine!" I am also well-versed in talking politics and religion, and can con a naive intern into preparing my discharge papers due to the (fictional) senior citizen in the waiting room who keeps repeating, "Cold, so cold," who could use my room more than me.

     If all this fails and I am admitted overnight, I have a few requests:

- I would prefer a room to myself, one with a TV so I can watch the baseball playoffs followed by the Presidential Debate.

- One quart of Wild Turkey and a six-pack of beer, brewed locally, maybe an Oktoberfest or something by Atwater.

- If the alcohol falls through I would like a real Pro to knock me sideways with a custom blend of pain killers and mind altering drugs. I'm thinking Tom Cruise in "Cocktail" but in orderly scrubs.

- Finally, I would like a nurse of my choosing to come and read to me until I fall asleep/pass out. Let's look into something by Hemingway, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., or the Sports Section.

     I would be remiss if I didn't touch on the possibility of me croaking during/after the procedure. If this unlikely (right?) circumstance occurs I give you Full Permission to do everything in your power to resuscitate me. I also recommend filming it or streaming it Live on Facebook, Tik Tok, Cameo, etc. You have my full permission for this as well. After I make my comeback the hospital and staff will be Public Relations Heroes and I will be rich. We may even get Ellen or on "The Weakest Link" reboot. Dr. Schwartz will be all but guaranteed a book deal. If all of this is too much weirdness I can always slow my body signs and pretend that I'm croaked like they did in Da Nang or Saigon, and get moved to a different area of the hospital where I will then make my escape. Ho Ho Ho.

     In conclusion, let's all have a great day, smooth sailing with heaps of fun (They'll call us the "Too Much Fun Club" in the TV movie starring Anthony Anderson as me), a pinch of luck, and all be on our way. Not many can stomach this breed of lunacy on their hands for more than a day anyway. Once again, thank you for your amazing care throughout this process; a true bunch of Professionals. Now, let's kick out the Jams. Mahalo!

Res Ipsa Loquitur,

R.S. Jr.

Well that's my letter. I've just received a decent lead regarding amateur wrestling in cages after hours in a location that shouldn't be operating just yet that I would love to cover for you as the best local journalist in town. It would be much more dangerous and interesting than a Milo article waxing dreamily about a band from six years ago that nobody cared about then. Happy Trails!

From the Iceman Commeth,

Bryan Metro