Dr. Metro and the Fast Lane To Utopia

 *Note- This post was written before news broke that a bunch of militia goofs tried to kidnap, "try", and kill the governor of Michigan. While none of the post below has anything to do with that aside from a satirical jab at mandates and restrictions at the end, the writer, Metro, has been threatened with violence and even death by a bunch of militant psychos in the past (their demographic doesn't matter), and he can personally say it is not fun, a little scary, and ultimately sad. We at the Lavender Blog and North Central are relieved that everyone is safe. Now back to today's post.

"Breathes there the man, with soul so dead,

Who never to himself hath said,

'This is my own, my native land!"

Whose heart hath ne'er within him burn'd

As home his footsteps he hath turn'd."- Sir Walter Scott

"The woods are dead. You're not out of them yet. The woods are dead."- R.S. Jr.

Hey all, Metro here. I've been a busy bee, or should I say fly, the past few months. I had to get that out of the way first, the fly thing. This past Wednesday we saw the Vice Presidential debate between Stepford Pence and Black Femme Harris. It was uneventful and too close to call as an impartial viewer such as the Big Writer here. The most unique (I wouldn't even say memorable) moment was when the fly landed on the VP's head. I immediately contacted Vinnie at N.C.P. Outpost Yellow and had him create a Twitter account for the fly while I did the same on Facebook. I can proudly say that JCM did it first. "We'll be rich," I messaged him enthusiastically.

Then after the debate, my dreams were crushed when I saw that there were already hundreds of Debate Fly accounts. Add to that the responsibility of maintaining and updating the pages, I decided that within a matter of an hour the joke had already exhausted itself; gotten old. I'm writing this waiting for the sun to rise and people are still posting meme's about the fly, 99% of them unfunny. Sometimes the accelerated nature of the media can be a real killjoy (and cost me money). I bet some peter puffer from the SNL writing staff is online right now looking for a fly costume for the next episode in what will be a very unfunny sketch (Hey I'm wearing a fly costume!) that only my ex-faux wife would find humorous. Still, I can rest easy knowing that JCM was the first to hop on the trend and also the first to realize the expiration date had passed and abandon it. At least we earned about as much $$$ as the Dear Darkness record release show which ironically did not attract any flies, but a whole lot of crickets!

There still may be money in it for me as I have applied for a "Black Flies Matter" trademark for merchandising purpose$. Enough of that. Let's move on with some other topics, shall we?

     For those striving for a career in sports media, the NBA has been at the forefront of social justice messaging, with slogans on the court, jerseys, and shirts ("VOTE!"). Unrelated, the ratings for the NBA Finals 2020 are the lowest in history and that is with the face of the league, LeBron James, chasing Michael Jordan's ring total. One can say that there has been a steady ratings decline in all sports, but a 40% drop between last year and this year is Not steady. That is substantial, drastic. Commissioner Adam Silver said that next year will be a return to "normalcy" (his word) with social topics kept off the court, literally and figuratively. So sports fans reading, do you agree or disagree? Will this bring back fans looking for an escape, not a lecture? Will it turn even more fans away who see the change in direction as a betrayal and the past season as lip service, which it is/was? Did you know that at the start of the playoffs only 35% of players on playoff teams were actually registered to, y'know, vote? Digest. Discuss. Moving on.

     As you all know, Constant Readers and plaintiffs alike, I don't make any money from writing this entertainment site. However, I am in the process of creating a JCM Patreon account where you can view all the posts on Lavender, over 1000, from 2007 to 2020 for a reasonable fee. I am currently removing a few moldy apples from some posts and they should be up in time for Daddy's egg Nog. So you can either view them all for free here or pay me to view them there. Yes, I know it sounds like the stupidest fucking thing ever, but I actually stole this idea of making people pay for free/useless stuff. I will have the details up soon. This is tedious to set up so I can't imagine how tough it must be for Waterheads taking it seriously.

     Speaking of details, I got back my results from all that medical claptrap from the past few weeks. The liver is cancer free! I am not out of the woods yet and will have to monitor problem areas like pancreas, stomach, prostate, bile ducts, and sense of humor for the remainder of my life. I am feeling better mentally and physically and would like to say thank you to all those who sent positive energy. I love you Boom Boom.

     My no-selling of cancer (thus far) gave me an idea for a sociology experiment/future blog post: The Great Job Hunt! Being a freelance writer is the Tits, but I could always use some extra $$$. So I plan on flooding the job market with applications. It doesn't matter what it is. I'm overqualified for manual labor and most managerial positions so I would prefer to work from the National Affairs Desk or Sports Desk. The fun part is me boasting of my inevitable hiring right here. We all know I can get any job I want due to my advantage/blessing of being white, male, with a college degree, spotless criminal/driving records, and white. Plus I am hard working, loyal, witty, and a boost to morale. Who would you rather work with? Me, with my magnetic charisma whose only downside is an eye for the female interns, or somebody like Deastro Downer Chabot with the weekly sob story. The experiment part would be me posting the job information here and seeing how long until the cancel culture Waterheads hop on it. We can even set up odds and a betting board. Money money money!

     Finally, the past few months while ill and incapacitated, I have been working on a super secret project that my current employer, North Central Positronics, didn't even know about. I knew once my body started healing at a miraculous pace that the next step in my life journey was a "Go". This week I received word that I am now an officially ordained minister and a Doctor of Theology.

I have proof of course, but for now am leaving out the denomination so that it isn't ruined by some anonymous pussies before I can begin my ministry. I was raised Catholic through high school and that, along with me being white, male, a great orator, with scary charisma, and white, gave me a good foundation. The only tough part was constructing and submitting a dissertation. I have included excerpts of the dissertation below. They are edited as the full work was over 12 pages long, but it will be viewable via the JCM/Lavender Patreon. Here is the excerpt with most names changed:

The Cleansing of the Savagery Through Christ, My Words, and Music

Bryan Metro

Abstract- The purpose of this piece is to show how the power of one's voice, guided by the Lord, can help, heal, and eliminate, if needed, the amateur buffoonery found in most local music scenes. This power has been cultivated here in Detroit by the Big Time Writer and God Himself, a formidable tag team, and is ready to open its arms and your eyes for the great cleansing of mediocrity from our lives and the total commitment and embracing of the ideals of honesty, fairness, love, and the Fast Lane.

Acknowledgement- The Big Time Writer would like to thank the team at North Central Positronics for helping him to push the boulder to the top of the mountain (Golgatha?) and not letting it crush him. I am in your debt in Jesus: Sebastian Owl, Born Evil, Vinnie R., E First, and Kentucky Pete.

Methods- For over a decade I was the Lamb in sheep's clothing, frolicking with a who's who of local scenesters such as Jamey White, Putty Face Von Bondie, Bryan Allen, Gert Strobe, Tubde Oladipo, SJB, Marcie Magdalene, and TJ Wretch, the disappearing Devil in flesh. During this period I was accepted at first and then cast out, a leper, for observing and reporting the transgressions not seen since Sodom: Shorty Stevie Stone hitting on my tambourine player at her job with the intent of cloved foot troll children out of wedlock. Begone little demon! The lustful Lauren Joan and the unholy desire for multiple men, all the men, an ideal best left in Utah. The band of old men, Electric Six, whose sins of greed are unrivaled in these Wastelands. There are more. Many more, all on the wrong path, but a path that offers redemption.

Finding/Results- After being cast out and shunned by the hollow, elite, false idols, I looked at the local scene through the eyes of an observer, not a participant. Being blacklisted helped as well. My eyes and heart concluded that most of these fallen are stewing in an unholy marriage of failed dreams, has-beens, buffoons, false smiles, tepid generic music/art, unoriginal, and the worst sin of all, boring.

Discussion- After reviewing my research and writings I have found zero errors and no room for improvement. I came to the mountain, scaled the mountain, slayed the beast, and am now one with the Moon.

Conclusion- The local Detroit scene stinks as bad as Job after a bender at PJ's Lager House, and those wasting their time making records should look into a life with Jesus, or at least loan processing/graphic design.

References- North Central Positronics: Shadow media conglomerate with offices in Detroit, New York, Louisville, and the City of Lud.

Bill Holdship: Geezer who used to work for Metro Times until he (or his opinions) turned to dust. Used to be a somebody for nobodies.

Lee DeVito: Current editor at the now-floundering Metro Times. He who walks in the Field of Empty Promises.

Brett Callwood: Former music guy at Metro Times, now at LA Weekly. Fell into the trap of becoming too political, a real deranged Leftist, and alienating half his audience, setting an example of what not to do as a paid journalist. Don't be a puss. Alienate your entire audience, Chap.

     Whew, there's more, but you get the gist. So yeah, ordained minister and a Doctor. I can legally marry and do funerals in Michigan, among other states. I know Governor Sag Bags has restrictions on these things so come to me and my ministry. I know Covid is an issue these days so I am offering discounts for the mass wedding/grave thing, the "Tet Offensive Halloween Special". So, that's it for now. The sun is rising which means my day is done. Thanks for reading. Mahalo!

Author's Note- If you are really that much of a lost cause/Waterhead, the above is seeped in satire. While I may indeed find most of those referenced insufferable, I would never wish (or command given my new ordained powers) any malady on anyone, and hope that everyone has continued health for themselves and their loved ones. I may come across as mean, heartless, crass, a different kind of bird, but I really do have a heart full of soul. Trust me. The ordained minister/Doctor stuff is true though; paperwork being finalized. So if any of you feel like settling down (cogh Lauren Loan), you just come commala my way thunder thighs.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro