*The following is satire, fiction, non-fiction (you decide what is real), social commentary and hopefully entertaining! It pained me having to type that...
Hey all Metro here. I was originally going to do this post in the Johnny Press persona but when you want something done, its best to do it right. I woke up Saturday, the day before the Big Game, not in Vegas unlike the dream I was having. My message feed was polluted by multiple texts from my contact from the suburbs, Fat Fuck Chris, asking if I was concerned about the Coronavirus outbreak, if I was going to cover the Coronavirus outbreak, and who was going to win the Super Bowl.
"Dammit man, can't you see two hours and at least two beers before I can answer anything like that," I yelled into the phone and then replied, "Maybe, Yes, and San Francisco (ooops)". I then hopped online and ordered the cheapest fucking hazmat suit available. It didn't even come with a mask so I had my friend Outrageous Jean take me to multiple Cvs's. They were all sold out. Finally I found a box of 20 at a Walgreens. The clerk asked if I found everything I needed.
"This is serious business. Here take one of these!" I stuttered at the check out (I have no memory of this happening. It was told to me later). After leaving the store and confusing the clerk with a $5 tip I came up with a "Man of the People" three question survey to ask random people regarding the virus over the next few days.
First up was the cemetery to visit my Pops. I figured a leopard print shawl, American Flag, and cool drink would be appropriate.
I decided to practice my interview skills with Dad.
Subject- Robert Sr. (Forever 64)-
Metro- "On a scale of 1-10 how worried are you about the Coronavirus?"
Robert Sr.- …………...
Metro- "Are you taking any precautions regarding the Coronavirus?"
Robert Sr.- …………...
Metro- "Are you familiar with the Hamtramck Music Fest?"
Robert Sr. (?)- "Who?"
I was stunned with the response and fell over and then saw the owl in the willow tree. But was it really? Did the owl say it? My glance turned to the fence where a bright cardinal was perched on. I knew who it was but still asked, "What's the score here?" The cardinal looked down at the fresh snow where something had written "This Is It". It was time to go.
Next up was Millers Bar in Dearborn, a personal favorite, for a burger and cool drink. Since there was a high probability of other people being there I donned one of my protective masks as the hazmat suit is not set to arrive until Monday unless the mailman contracts the fucking flu. After making my usual order of a burger and fries and two beers at the same time I conducted my first interview with Susan, the server.
Susan (32)-
Metro- "On a scale of 1-10 how worried are you about the Coronavirus?"
Susan- "We don't have menus."
Metro- "I understand. I'm a fan. Are you taking any precautions regarding the Super Flu?"
Susan- "Fries or rings?"
Metro- "Fries. Are you familiar with the Hamtramck Music Fest?"
Susan- "What? No."
By the time the food had arrived I was ravenous which led to me attempting to eat while forgetting my protective mask was still on. After the shouting (much of it mine) ended I ate quick and rushed out to find a bed.
Super Bowl Sunday-
I woke up realizing that four of the twenty protective masks had been already lost or destroyed. I decided to go to the bar to watch the Big Game. Due to the disaster at Millers the day before along with the hazmat suit yet to arrive, I was very paranoid. To ease my fears I brought a plastic grocery bag to tie around my head along with another protective mask (which was later lost).
After the first "What the fuck?" from the table next to me, along with the suffocation episode, I realized I had to split and quick. After reaching the car which was quite easy to find considering I had wrapped it in bubble wrap that morning, I raced back to the compound to catch the rest of the game. I managed to catch the full thing before things turned dark with my Fat Albert shirt, empty wine, various beer, and protective mask. I wasn't even able to unplug the Christmas tree which has yet to be retired.
Oh, my interview from the bar:
Alice (29)-
Metro- "On a scale of 1-10 how worried are you about the Coronavirus?"
Alice- "Probably 3."
Metro- (Giggling) "Ok I guess."
Alice- "Wait, okay, 5."
Metro- "Are you taking any precautions regarding the Coronavirus?"
Alice- "Drink pure water."
Metro- "Sound strategy. Are you familiar with the Hamtramck Music Fest?"
Alice- "No."
The Next Day-
I ran to grab the baseball bat when I heard the pounding at the door but was relieved to see it was just my hazmat suit being delivered. It was time to continue with the survey. I spent about 15 minutes with a roll of scotch tape trying to alter my appearance to look more Asian but gave up because I couldn't see shit.
The first stop was the movie theater, a suitable public place. I was singing "Lets go to the movies, lets go to the show," but it was muffled due to the protective mask (which was later lost). At the cinema I bought a ticket for "Little Women" and interviewed Bethany while forgetting to wear my Johnny Press hat to make sure she realized I was a journalist.
Bethany (26)-
Metro- "On a scale of 1-10 how worried are you about the Coronavirus?"
Bethany- "Well, a lot of people come through here. So about a 5."
Metro- (Doing my best Wayne Gale impersonation) "That's scary stuff. Are you taking any precautions regarding this Super Flu. Its bigger than AIDS dammit!"
Bethany- "I wash my hands a lot."
Metro- "Are you familiar with the Hamtramck Music Fest?"
Beth- "No."
Once in the theater I waited for the first poignant, serious moment in "Little Women" to erupt in a laughing fit followed by a serious method acting coughing episode which cleared out the theater. I had no interest in the rest of the movie so I left and headed to CVS, but not before the theater alerted security. It was a non issue because it was mall security and they saw I was a real nut job.
By this point at CVS I realized that I needed to be a paying customer or else management or even security would be all over me so I filled my cart with as much Airborne and cold medicine as possible which combined with the hazmat suit should have been enough to ease the fears of other shoppers yet they all vacated the aisle.
I did manage to snag Karen for a quick hot take.
Karen (?)-
Metro- "On a scale of 1-10 how worried are you about the Coronavirus?"
Karen- "Please stay away."
(Writer's note- This is my favorite pic of the photo essay despite not putting the hazmat hood up.)
Well off to Meijer I guess. It worked out because I was running out of beer.
I wanted to use the Johnny Press hat disguise again because there were cameras everywhere but I think I left it at the movie theater. It was uneventful mostly, but I did manage to chat with Crabby Rich in line.
Crabby Rich-
Metro- "On a scale of 1-10 how worried are you about the Coronavirus/"
Rich- "About 8 now that I see you."
Metro- "I'm safe. Are you taking any precautions regarding the Reaper?"
Rich- "Yeah, leaving this store."
Metro- "I can dig it. The spirits will be moaning tonight my friend. Are you familiar with the Hamtramck Music Fest?"
Rich- "What is this man?"
Jump, flash cut to Kroger. By this time I was hyperventilating inside of the hazmat suit so I gave it to a homeless guy (after doing the dollar bill trick) telling him that this is more valuable than any dollar. The derelict went into a coughing thing which caused me to bail, and fast. While at Kroger I went to stock up on cat food but then heard somebody sneeze behind me. Realizing the hazmat suit was long gone I immediately dropped into a barrel roll position. Thankfully I was wearing my uncle's military jacket.
He had served in Korea....oh fucking shit. I don't have a map but Korea has to be close to China. I sprint to the closest, terrified, father of two raving, "This jacket has been to Korea. It needs to be scrubbed. Where can I have this done, man?" The children started crying and I ran. A confused employee asked if I needed any help. After another laughing fit......
Carl (65)-
Metro- "On a scale of 1-10 how worried are you about the Coronavirus?
Carl- "I'd say 2. Its all overseas."
Metro- "Good point. Fuck em. Are you taking any precautions regarding this plague?"
Carl- "I just come in to work."
Metro; "I love you. Are you familiar with the Hamtramck Music Fest?"
Carl- "Nah."
The last stop was the casino, ill-advised yet required. The hazmat suit would have been a great visual but it had already been given to the bum. Thankfully I had my disguise bin and grabbed the Ric Flair robe to avoid drawing attention to myself and because I was planning on betting on red
I eventually made it to the table games which did not last long.
Doug (44)- (Pit Boss/Employee)
Metro- "On a scale of 1-10 how worried are you about the Coronavirus?"
Doug- "People are uncomfortable."
Metro- "Right on. Great! Are you taking any precautions regarding the Super Flu?"
Doug- "Please leave the gaming area."
Metro- "Are you familiar with the Hamtramck Music Fest?"
Doug- "Is that who you are with?"
Metro- "No…...wait! Yes? (framed as a question). Yes. We are powered by the people for the people, and by god man, say what you will about me as a journalist, I am a man of the people. My name is Eugene. REPEAT IT AFTER ME! WHAT IS THE NAME?"
After being escorted out I sat in the car for a while. After crying, or maybe laughing, I went back to the compound to review the tape recorder and edit and type this. The tape recorder was useless; completely unusable with me muttering things like "Look at her skin. Has to be infected," or "We're in deep shit. They have infiltrated the catering department." At one point I had a five minute loop of me synchronizing "Doff It" with the slot machine blips. If I had kept the hazmat suit I would probably would have been in a different type of car. Instead, I am back at the Compound editing and typing this post with cool drink and trying to ignore the tickle at the back of my throat.
Postscript-
I know there are some who will find this post funny (or at least absurd), and many who will find it tasteless or ill-timed (no pun intended), so let me pull back the curtain and explain. Since the beginning I always intended to shock, but the goal was Never to be offensive (there's a difference). Many of my exploits can be seen as offensive, but never if you looked below the surface of things. I polled a few people regarding this post. Two relatives and one trusted friend said it was a bad idea. They all said "Bad idea". Others said it was interesting and funny. My relative had a decent counter argument, "Yeah because they're not doing it." I can dig that. Decent point, but I like the chaotic nature of this idea, and nobody else is doing anything like it around here. I think bringing a pressure cooker into Ferndale Public Library for a Blowout weeks after the Boston Marathon is far worse than this. That was not meant to make light of that horrific tragedy. Instead of nails and shrapnel I filled it with CD samplers of local bands playing the fest. That was the punchline, and a punchline that still exists to this day.
The cemetery sequence in this post could be seen as disrespectful to my Pops or the cemetery as a whole, but I don't see it that way. Pops never read this blog, but he was aware of my antics (he once bailed me out of jail after an incident at a softball game. I was not charged). He sometimes offered ideas. I used only a few, but I used some. I think he would find it funny to finally be included as a character in a post. Actually, he would probably say "I don't give a fuck," a good a mantra as any. As for the timing of the post regarding the Coronavirus. On the surface it could be seen as poor timing and/or insensitive, but below the surface is a main character who is bumbling (lil bit), enchanted by the media (sometimes), a drunk (Okay yeah, so sue me....NO! Wait!), and paranoid (lil bit). It is a commentary on paranoia, not on the flu. I have no obligation to explain myself and my ideas, but this time I wanted to. This was near the top of the posts I've had the most fun writing. I hope at least it was an entertaining escape for you. And if it wasn't.....I don't give a fuck.
From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro
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7 comments:
This is original and amazing.
This is without a doubt the best thing you've written here in a long time. This is exactly the content your Constant Readers want.
LOL at the pictures.
This is a great call back to the fest photo coverings when you actually cared about the post. I love the effort involved but worry that I'll never see it again.
I would have voted bad idea with this, but you pulled it off. This needs a part 2.
This was high-key entertaining. How many WTFs you must have gotten. Hope there's security footage of you running around all those places in a hazmat suit. Priceless.
Anons, thank you for the feedback. Aw shucks you made me blush. Anon 6:48, there is a potential sequel in the works adding members of the (retired) band. Have to go bigger. Crabby Rich, I'm getting old so no running was involved. Also do I need to send "Crabby Rich" to the Third District Court as a character in my writing?
Based on comments you are about 40. Based on that, how do you not have any gray hair?
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