Captain Stan, Hottest Wrestling Gals, and HMF Preview Part 3 J-M

*Update- Since the Hamtramck Music Festival isn't telling you, starting August 6th, Smalls one of the venues participating in HMF will be requiring full vaccination or proof of negative test. Plan your trekking accordingly. We here at the JCM are very disappointed after spending the last week actually trying to get people to go out and support local music only for the festival committee to prove once again that they do not care about the "music" only the bottom line. The fact that their Facebook has yet to be updated with which venues require vaccination, masks, etc is very glaring how much care really went into this event. I went to their website and there was zero info either. However there was this gem of a schedule listing. Not even fucking trying....

 The following is satirical as always and for entertainment purposes Only

From the National Affairs Desk-

     So it continues and, for the life of me, I cannot explain why. After two parts of what was once a reliable topic, The Local Music Festival Preview, the interest and readership is one giant flatline. This is very concerning because up until these previews the hits were consistent. The JCM Fake Festival posts met the average numbers of Lavender 2020/2021. But once I switched to previewing the Hamtramck Music Festival and I don't know how many bands thus far, it totally cratered and fell off. I even tried to be mean to some probably nice people. Of course there is an obvious joke and blame to be made about the Fest, its organizers, the city, among other things and not holding the attention of even the most jaded of scenester, but I will not make that joke. Instead I will reiterate what I said last post: Go to this. Have fun because seeing even a below average local band is (slightly) better than the alternative of nothing at all, or worse, the option being taken away entirely.

With that said, I would like to take this time to apologize to any act booked for HMF starting with the letters J-M. I'm not doing it this part. Sorry. No previews for J-M. Punishment for the continued blacklisting of the Jesus Chainsaw Massacre (and me getting tired of looking all these goofs up). Instead, here is a half assed post about JCM's return to a full capacity live event in Detroit, the WWE Supershow at Little Caesars Arena this past Sunday followed by the return of everyone's favorite: THE LISTS! 

I met up with founding members -jr and Wang Yellowbone at the fabled Bronx Bar downtown. It was a complete refresh of the mental health to be with old, and in Wang's case very old, friends at an old haunt and it was no time at all before we hijacked the jukebox and ordered the classic, though slightly overrated, burgers. Well, all except for Captain Stan.

   "Dammit, I think I ordered the fake burger," Captain Stan said.

   "What?" replies -jr, who had been telling a story of rebound fingerbanging years ago in the corner of the Bronx for the second time in five minutes.

   "I got the fake burger. Its good, but bullshit."

I first met Captain Stan this past April when -jr and I rented a house in Mentor, Ohio, an upscale suburb of Cleveland, a town where everyone knew where you worked, how much you made, and the high school football games were packed at noon despite bullshit restrictions. In other words, we were with friendlies. I had picked up -jr that morning as he was closing the books for the week at Big Mike's Big Tit Juke Joint Meat Shack. He took a few minutes to introduce me to the staff.

   "This is Big Dave, top seller in March. Took over for Big Steve who I fired because of a shitty March despite being the top seller in February. Big Carl over there works front of house. Big Mary, not to be confused with Fat Mary from back home, is a plant, a ringer, to keep morale up and work the phones. Big Reggie is there in maintenance...." and on. The only thing that stood out was that everyone was called "Big". I never did meet Big Mike that weekend, just -jr who seemed to be running the show in his absence. We sped off in a company car and dropped our stuff off at the rental house which was more like a mansion; two floors, an acre of backyard forest, jacuzzi in my master bedroom, the usual.

 -jr had already been there and set up the recording studio where we would record exactly one song, the yet to be released "Hash Tags". Then it was off to breakfast, my first time unmasked in a public setting since the year before. Next up was the Mentor Gun Club where we illegally parked and asked for the newest, high powered handguns and ripped through a few targets. I named mine Matty Dally.

We still had some time to kill before Wrestlemania on the giant screen at the rental so we made the decision to go bugchasing at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. -jr had been heavy into the whiskey by then and we stopped at a park to catch an organized football game. Naturally it was packed. We set up three tripods with telephoto lenses a hundred meters away from the stands. It was Saturday in swine free paradise.

   "What are we doing?" I asked, wanting to help any way I could.

   "Looking for Big Danny," -jr replied without looking away from his camera, "I think he's been ripping me off. Big Andy was supposed to be watching for him here, but he's at the juke joint covering for me."

   "Oh," is all I could muster.

   "Look there," he said pointing to the left of the stands, "That's the police station. Its next to the courthouse and fire department. They're all connected. We're going to need them before this is over. Okay, let's go to the Hall of Fame."

I helped him pack up while wondering why there were three tripods set up and only two of us. We then sped off to Cleveland making the 30 minute drive in 19, all while playing hogs of the road. The museum was packed and everyone was wearing masks but very close together. Since this was early April I was still on my first vaccine shot and mildly concerned. Thankfully the non-alcoholic beer combined with the massive amounts of sedatives I brought along helped to dull the fear.

As soon as we entered the exhibit area we were drawn to a crowd of people huddled in the center of a room. The mood was somber. We pushed our way to the front using the NFL press pass I had bought from a pimp outside the Cleveland Browns' stadium minutes before.

They were surrounding a glass case which contained a pair of custom George Floyd sneakers. This was the first thing that we saw at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

   "God dammit. This is bad. What are we doing here?" -jr whispered. I was losing him.

   "Its just some shoes. We haven't even gotten to the first interactive pod and you're already losing it."

   "Losing it? This is not good. Let's get out of here. Second floor man. Second floor."

   "Good call. I'm not bailing you out of this one."

-jr starts pushing his way through the crowd, even knocking over a stroller, while wailing, "Second floor. There is nothing to see here."

My attempt at damage control was not effective.

   "He's right you know. The man was a habitual drug user and woman beater. We're here for the true professionals. The Lennon exhibit is on the second floor." A hippie starting crying.

Once we got to the second floor -jr focused his entire attention looking out the window, staring at Lake Erie, while I made my way to the punk and glam rooms.

I went over to check on him after 15 minutes of wandering around. I saw that he had been crying.

   "Look there. See it?"

   "Yes, the lake. Let's get back. You've turned dark."

   "Look. Do you see it?"

   "Jesus man, what am I looking for? You tell me!"

   "There, that boat. You see it?" he said pointing at a small boat about 500 feet from the shore, "That boat is mine. The guy on it is Stan."

   "Big Stan?" I ask.

   "No, Captain Stan. He works for me. He runs the boat. I want to fish."

   "We can't fish there. There are no fish there. Too close to the city. Plus, I think its illegal."

   "No, the cops know me. We come out all the time. Captain Stan has all the gear loaded. Let's get out of this place and go fishing. Those shoes really got to me."

We left and went to the water where Captain Stan was waiting with the boat.

   "We gotta get out quick boys. They have a new cop working the waterfront. Don't recognize him. Probably with Big Danny," Captain Stan warned.

   "I knew it. Got to the cops. He works quick. Should have fired that miscreant last month."

The time spent on Lake Erie was an exercise in futility. As expected, we caught no fish and Captain Stan had finished a quart of whiskey before we even had the lines cast. The mood was foul.

   "Bad day guys. Too hot. Our last resort is going to be throwing the rest of the bait and all of our food into the water and when the fish start to circle it then we blast them with the siren," Captain Stan advised.

   "The pay per view is starting soon anyway. We should get back," I pleaded.

   "Fuck. They found us. Look! The patrol boat. The cops. They're with Big Danny. They already have Big Andy," Captain Steve was panicking. He then grabbed a large tote bag.

   "There's no option. We have to sink the boat. You two go. Swim to shore. I'll do the boat. Maybe I can take a few of the fuckers with me."

The last thing I remember running back to the car was Captain Stan shouting as the police sirens started to blare followed by a feeble explosion. The pay per view was fun and I won the gentleman's betting pool.

Flash to the present as Captain Stan was thumbing through a gaunt issue of the Metro Times. 

   "You write for these guys? Metro. Metro Times," he asks.

   "No, they hate me. I priced myself out of their league."

   "Those bastards. Cheap bastards. Who wants to write for free anyway?" he ponders as I looked down at my plate of french fries.

   "Let's go," -jr interrupts, "the car I borrowed is illegally parked and we don't want to be late."

At the arena it was a blast seeing a crowd of thousands all having fun without any pretenses (or vaccination passports). The crew spent more time photographing various oddities in the crowd instead of watching the matches which was fine. We only managed to get into one argument. A small victory.

To close the wrestling portion of this Hamtramck Music Festival Preview here is a return of everyone's favorite: The Bryan Metro Lists. Two of them! The first is a tumblr-esque ditty that I cropped together from the photog work of -jr, Wang, and Captain Stan from the show.

The Top 8 Weirdo's From the Aug. 1st WWE Show

Is that last one Spaulding??

Next up is one that I came up with myself. Metro's Top 10 Wrestling Hardbodies (Current). I went with current as opposed to All Time because I still have lazy fatigue from previewing all those local bands. I'm curious if any current wrestling fans stumble on this and what their reaction would be. My experience is the majority of them today are predictably woke, white knight mongoloids who are experts in health and science, vaccines, and politics. Not to mention world affairs. I remember some of these lintheads changing all their screennames to "Free Palestine", "Taiwan is a country", or "Taiwan is not a country" based on seeing what a wrestler said on twitter. There is one constant in life and that is wrestling fans are the worst (myself excluded), are very unoriginal, and are extremely terrible tippers. The purpose of this list is to basically trigger a whole new demographic so I can transition from covering local music which is as dead as its ever been. Its all calculated. As always, this is your opinion as of this posting. It could change tomorrow, and probably will.

Metro's Top 10 Current Wrestling Doffs

Honorable Mentions-

Carmella- A tad much on the cosmetic fakery to make the main list but the quality fakery + the Staten Island attitude is Honorable. Loses points for dating Big Cass. SAWFT

Liv Morgan- Too cute for school, seems like a genuinely good person, spunky, always working to get better, and owns a farm. So, why the honorable mention instead of main list? One word....Enzo. How you doin'?

Penelope Ford- The first from AEW on the list. I don't watch much, but from what I see its like the greatest thing ever. She looks like she could work at JCM HQ, the Yacht Club, so she is honorable for probably being dishonorable.

Sonya DeVille- Does not wrestle much these days and plays more of an authority role. Plays for the other team in real life and I don't mean AEW, but that did not stop some glandular case from breaking into her house and attempting to rape, kidnap, or "other" her. Despite out often hedonistic, misogynistic posts we at the JCM despise rapists and this butterball should be castrated and his nuts fed to Keith Lee. Back to Sonya. Sneaky sexiest nose in the business.

Tay Conti- Another AEW girl. I don't know much, but she is a doff and I wanted to have more than one AEW girl on the list or else their psychotic fanbase would piss all over their parents' keyboards.

The Top 10!

10. Paige- Oh boy...Well....Fuck it.... She doesn't wrestle much these days, but cracks the Top 10 for being a total freak, former coke head, up for anything, and even had a movie made about her that had a cameo from The Rock. Get this girl a tambourine! (That could have been a LOT worse).

9. Rosemary- The lone entry from Impact Wrestling. She's been around for a while, is pretty creative, and is zany. Warning flags arose when it took me longer than average to find a photo to use here, but f it, she's the kind of girl you would take to Comic Con and avoid all the wrestling fans.

8. Sasha Banks- Only recently became a fan. She's not really my type. Strong opinionated woman who has parlayed her success into a spin off career in the Star Wars universe that was also very successful. Total turn off. However, she is confirmed to be a complete jerk and total witch to fans. Yep. Top 10.

7. Rhea Ripley- From Wang at the show last weekend, "Who is this, Miley Cyrus trying too hard on steroids?" Enough for #7, that's who. My only concern is her cardio. She does seem to get fatigued quick ho ho ho. Wait, maybe she should be higher...

6. Mandy Rose- Complete "Hot Woman" stereotype. Blonde, hardbody (its even her gimmick), not a big talker, can play both good/innocent and evil. How is she not #1? Maybe tomorrow...

5. Asuka- Also zany, wearer of masks, bad dancer, a spitter, deceptively curvy, and Asian. #5

4. Eva Marie- I included her this high because despite have zero wrestling talent and below average speaking skills, she is also a total hardbody more equipped for the Red Shoe Diaries than these fanboy youtube shows. Also that comparison took me wayyyy too long to come up with. Sexuality in pop culture is at an all time low. It is time to get back to traditional values and the beauty ideal. I love to see the mentally defective squids lose their shit and complain that she is getting paid so much more than this Indy flip twerp who has a worse physique than I do.

3. Becky Lynch- WWE's Conor. Loses points for getting knocked up and sometimes trying to hard to be "tough", but let's face it, totally Top 3. If that's all I could come with for Becky we must be reaching list/blog fatigue. Let's wrap this up.

2. Bayley- Couldn't stand her at first, but she has grown...on me. Her current persona as a snarky, obnoxious talk show host is right up my alley. I have contacted her trying to get her to write a guest column for the Lavender Blog but she just referred me to Sonya DeVille's lawyers. Probably a mistake. 'll try to confirm in person. Kidding. Also, made you look!

1, Alexa Bliss- Short, blonde, spunky, former Harley Quinn rip off, current Hot Carrie White rip off. A lot of wrestling purists hate her supernatural powers, then turn around and fap to some skinny fat guy jumping onto a group of 10 dudes all waiting to catch him. Alexa can use her powers to make my heart skip any day. (The original joke was much more foul).

Okay, that's it. As with all my lists I ran out of steam and good/offensive ideas by the midway point. This post meant to preview letters J-M of the 2021 Hamtramck Music Festival turned into one giant tangent. However, this is the most fun I've had writing a post since the JCM Fest earlier this year. Only two more HMF parts to go returning with Part 4 Letters N-R. Can I finish them before the Fest wraps up? Probably not. Who cares anyway? Nobody is talking about this which is really sad. Hey smart asses, see what happens when you block me? All of the press surrounding the festival is eliminated. Ding Dong Hello! Because I am nice, here are the acts Letters J-M that I didn't preview this go around. You look them up.

Jackson & the Poolsharks

Jah Connery

Jakdd

JC & the Disciples

Jemmi Hazeman & the Honey Riders

Jeremy Waun

John Freeman

John Salvage *&The New Twenty Saints

Justin Phipps

Kate Hinote Trio

Kenyatta Rashon

Killa King

Knuckle Dragger (Haha and they kicked us off)

Ladyship Warship

Lich

Lokye

LRAD

Lufuki and Divine Providence

Macho

Mann/Quin

Matthew Teardrop (ugh)

Memphis Hawk

Mercury Salad

Mike Ward Psychosongs

Milk Bath

Missy Mae & The Ryders

More Tomorrows

The My Ways

Good lord, previewing that would have caused a brain bubble. See you next Wednesday!

From the Iceman Commeth

Dr. Bryan Metro

Undercover Boss With the HamFest Committee HMF Preview Part 2- D-H

The following is satire and in no way meant to be serious or a reflection of the author's real views. Entertainment purposes only.

 From the National Affairs Desk-

Hey everybody, sorry for the obnoxious cover photo. For some reason, my blog editor uses the first pic posted as the thumbnail when I post/link/spam these posts so I wanted to get it out of the way. Okay, the disclaimer....

Disclaimer: These previews may come off as mean, cruel, catty, petty, humorous (ok that was just me), among other things. That said, this is me at my most earnest and sincere..... Go to this thing. Yes, you heard right. Go out and buy a wristband. I no longer care to audit where the money goes. Just fucking go out and have fun like your life depends on it, and this time it might not be hyperbole to say so. I honestly think the swine are on the verge of locking everything down again. Or trying to at least. The blame is everywhere and most of those being blamed have a little to do with it. But I really don't think we will be getting another one of these next year, at least in its normal wintery spot. Normally I would make a joke about the ineptitude of the HMF organizers, but I'm not joking. So good lord, go out and have fun. Get vaccinated if you are comfortable. Be safe if you wish not to. I'm not advocating either way, and I'm no scientist (just a doctor), but I think me and you, as average Joe and Janes, have as much credibility as those making and changing the rules every fucking day. Medium story short- Go to this and have fun. Hang out with friends. Make new friends you might not see in a year. Create memories. Get pregnant knowing that you probably have a valid excuse never to see them ever again. And if you are a veteran of these things tell them about the good old days before the pigs got their little taste of power. Sermon over. On to the preview. I wrote this yesterday...

The following is satire and in no way meant to be serious or a reflection of the author's real views. Entertainment purposes only.

Hey oatmealheads, Part 1 of the 2021 Hamtramck Music Festival is barely in the books and here we are rushing into Part 2. I really wanted to quit after Part 1 because it really was a chore and surprisingly the hits were down. More people read the fake JCM Fest posts than the HMF preview, and that scares me. But I have to go on and finish this even if Part 5 S-Z is posted after the Fest is over which would be hilarious. I really think this will be my last ever HMF preview so I should see it through. Take that however you want.

The following is satire and in no way meant to be serious or a reflection of the author's real views. Entertainment purposes only.

A quick recap of the last one: New video trope- Local band sets shitty song to clips from old movies. New genre- Lonely, emo, Covid Pop. New/Same Annoyance- Fucking Theater Kids. Homework Assignment for this Part.... It seems that the Covid Mask Paranoia is getting the media rush job since the last post THREE DAYS AGO. Vegas is reinstating its mask mandate even for the vaccinated starting July 30th. Washington DC as well despite having Zero Covid deaths last week. Okay. Many places of employment are now requiring proof of vaccination. Oh just the government and military. Public trust is eroding faster than Eugene Strobe's hairline. No biggie. Pfizer announced that the vaccine's effectiveness dissipates after 6 months, or just in time for the 3rd quarter profit reports to shareholders. Hold on, I'm getting to the punchline. A few more... The Marble Bar now requires proof of vaccination to enter. Will the venues at HMF follow suit? Is there enough time to even coordinate this? The fest didn't release the schedule until a week before and even then didn't update the website. They just posted 16 flyers, one for each venue. What....the.....fuck..... Anyway will any of these venues require masks or vaccines? Buy the ticket, take the ride. After all, isn't this the "largest local music festival of its kind" which happens to take place in our "beloved close knit local enclave" of Hamtramck, MI, U.S.A.N.K. Ye gods, if this isn't  a recipe for disaster. Its painfully obvious that those in charge have zero clue of what's going on and how to deal with it. And here's the punchline. Am I talking about the government or the Hamtramck Music Festival Committee? Here is the hot take of the young century: I actually think that the HMF committee can do just as good a job managing the pandemic as the government, if not better. Can we petition for a trade? A straight up Swap? Let's put the HMF Committee in charge of the national Covid response and let Fauci book the showcase at Trixies for Hamtramck Music Fest. He can even sell sketchy food out the back since he's an expert on people getting sick. Hot damn, Part 2 is even better than Part 1. Let's ruin it all by getting to the bands.

The preceding was satire and in no way meant to be serious or a reflection of the ally's real views. Entertainment purposes only.

2021 HMF Band Preview Letters D-J

Danny Vanzandt- "Sisyphus"- Wuss autotune drip. Now I have to wash my eyes out with 10 minutes of Paige Vanzandt.

Deadsurf- "Death Shake"- 63 views. 5 likes on Youtube. This is a crime because I thought it was great. My favorite act so far. Pretty fucking good surf rock with reverb to spare.

Deadwitxh- "Everybody Wants Me Dead"- I can relate. Okay music made on a computer. Nothing to it. I really have nothing. Stupid band name alert.

Deal Breakers- "Get Over It"- I had no problem with this either. If I paid for a wristband I would check this out. Love the reverb on the lead guitar. A lot.

Dear Darkness- "White Lightning"- Ah, good old Dear Dykeness. I almost skipped and flagged as "Reviewed Before" but I wanted to see if they got more haggard. Aaaaaafirmative! This is real awful stuff. Avoid.

Deep Bloom- Facebook Page- Says that HMF is their first live performance. Love how that works. Looks like a two piece, harmless act with a wild Samoan and a real cutie of a singer. Ok.

Denise Davis & the Motor City Sensations- Live at Knight Ampitheater- Exactly like you would picture based on the group's name. Ex-actly.

Detroit 442- "Fucked Up"- I've seen this name before. Did they play this year's Hoe Army Bikini Car Wash? Which reminds me, I still have a post outlined where I review last year's calendar from that event. Cheesecake stuff. No really. Lots of cheesecake. Oh the band... Generic punk-ish rock. It's ok. The lyrics suck, but what do you expect?

Detroit Dives- Live at Smalls- Decent but generic. Sorry, I gotta rip through these.

Detroit Party Marching Band- Forever twerps and a waste of time and space.

Detroit Trouble- Live in Taylor- Oh man, this should be good....Its not. Actually, this could have been the second coming of The Stooges and I would have still used that punchline. I'm that predictable. But really, its not that good. Southern (?) dirtbag rock. They do get points for all of them looking like The Indian from my band.

The Dirty News- I typed this in and I got a bunch of naked hardbodies doing the weather and each other. After that I couldn't go back and look for this band.

The Doozers- Reviewed before. Probably made an easy joke about their name.

DJ Hypermane- I don't review DJ's.

Duende!- Reviewed before. Decent to good band. Ok, actually pretty good. Been around forever. Boss Radio baybay. The chick despises me. I have no idea why ho ho ho. They lose points for the naggy hag.

Edison Hollow- "Circle of Madness"- They put some effort into the video despite it being filmed in a basement. I think they are all indy wrestlers when not playing music in basements. By next year the Hamtramck Music Fest will take place in this band's fucking basement. "Nobody said anything about 50 bands with 8 fans in a fucking basement". Not bad.

Emma Guzman- Live in the D- Awwwww she takes it so seriously. Nothing wrong with that or the music here. Harmless singer-songwriter stuff. I can't be too mean to that. So innocent.

End- I'm not looking that up.

Eroders- Reviewed Before.

Extra Arms- Reviewed Before. But hey its Ryan Allen, so why not. "Up From Here"- Same shit for 15+ fucking years. Loses a Ton of points for filming the video in separate places for each band member but the waterhead drummer is still wearing a mask like its some profound commentary on society. Watch, he probably has some horrific immune disorder and I will feel awful after hitting Publish. Nah, lets roll with failed socio-commentary. I think The Handgrenades did a similar thing in one of their videos, playing to a non-existent crowd (method acting) while wearing masks. Probably to keep JSB from eating the Subway sandwich platters.

 

The Gashounds- Live HMF 2019- Whew, it's getting late/early at the National Affairs Desk. I thought this said the Hounds Below, the band from Jason Von Bonfire. Nah, different band here. Yet still, pretty generic. The singer has Lee Majors' hair. There, that's my fucking review. Somebody's hair......

Gatorade Boys- I spent 45 seconds looking for stuff using "Gatorade Boys" and now I'm probably on one of Biden's lists. But which one muahahahahahahahahahahahaha

The Gerries- Another act I couldn't find anything on. The first site that came up was a Furry group. Jesus, what are these simps trying to do to me?

Ghost:Hello- Live at Buzzloin- Cracking up. Guitar and drum two piece. Absolute wall of sound noise gold. They are the White Stripes if the White Stripes were two Haystacks Calhoun's. Fuck it, I'm watching this again.

Grand Heft- Live HMF 2020- The name had me chuckling. All downhill from there. The rest was average. Buy a wristband so these imbeciles can get a mic that works.

Haze the North Side Mexican- Vegas Bet Time! A. Hotties. B. Plain Jane Passes. C. Dudes. D. A fucking Mexican. F' it. $1 on D plz. "Big Hoodoo"- I think I won $1. Hip hop gimmicky stuff. I like that his Youtube channel has vids of his kids. Gangsta.

Hell Dollars- Couldn't find anything. Dumbasses.

Holy Profane- Vegas Bet: A. Hip hop. B. Rap. C. Fat Mary's. I have $1 on hip hop. Go! It ended up being D: Awful music with "Try Too Hard" clever titles. This is really bad stuff. Unironically ironically offensive shit.

The Honest To God Jug Band- I don't have to search this do I? Though it would be funny that after about 50 acts and guesses they end up being hot lesbians.

Huron Fire- Live @ Studio 41- Mid Michigan "metalcore". Just living the dream and keeping the scene alive. Little fishes on big fucking hooks.

Well that's it for Part 2 of the Hamtramck Music Festival 2021 Preview. I really need to step it up so you have all the info you need to pencil in your schedules and plan your evenings (nobody goes during the day other than Woodman I think, bless his heart). Keep in mind that the acts in the preview are from the July 26th flyer so there may be some new additions and for all I know everybody I just spent the last two days looking up have already dropped out, got sacked, or been replaced. Vegas bet!!!

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

2021 Hamtramck Music Fest Preview: Loose Ends + Letters A-C

 From the National Affairs Desk-

Sweet Jesus, this came out of nowhere. It seems like last week I was outlining a post covering my application for this year's Hamtramck Music Festival complete with legal counsel to get out of the barbaric Zero Tolerance and fascist Hold Harmless policies. The application and subsequent post would have served as a warning for the new crop of naive musicians looking to become the next success story to rise out of the slums of our city. These poor bastards were lining up to neuter their infant voices and erect a giant neon sign that says "Take Our Creative License and Our Gear While You're At It!" These poor kids needed a veteran of the trenches, an elder statesman to steer them away from the swine. Who better to do that than me, a true Motor City Saint, and someone who isn't afraid of being cancelled just because my act has a song called "Fat Mary" about a girl named Mary.

I figured I had enough time to let this simmer and marinate and then BOOM, this comes flying over the Mojo Wire...

Those fuckers sure don't waste any time (just everyone else's time and money). The lineup was already out and, Holy Fuck, its in a week! I stress that the lineup is out. The actual schedule isn't out until the 29th which gives everyone exactly one week to plan their venue hopping which is one of the more fun aspects of these fests. So I had to call an audible and shelve the fake, yet real, JCM application and dive right into the preview. Which means I also had to scrap my other project, a breakdown of this year's Kresge Arts Fellowship Grant Whatevers. In a nutshell, it was a predictable mash-up of your average mental defectives so diverse its not actually diverse. So, basically, predictable, safe, and boring. I sent a missive to Wang Yellowbone asking him to really spice it up so I can do a JCM/Lavender Fellowship Post which was to be a vast improvement over the Kresge hacks because let's face the facts, the Kresge grants are basically the Detroit Music Awards of Fellowship grants. This project also ran out of time, but not before a winners photo collage was drafted. You can see it here, below. I tried to keep a few from the actual Kresge photo collage, and yes, the possible mugshot guy (bottom row, can't miss it) Had to stay! In fact the original plan was for the entire collage to be local mugshots, but we decided on a few of the Kresge goofs, the possible mugshot guy on the bottom row, and a few Easter eggs.

Holy shit-fire, we're already a page and a half in, longhand, and time is already running out. Looking at the flyer I am going to have to divide this into five parts with Part 1, this one, being letters A through C. To the preview!

Once the HMF announced it was moving forward after a forgotten Covid edition I even forgot to cover, I saw that the buzz was as predictable as ever, the same blissfilled rhetoric as always....

Covid jokes aside ("How can you catch The Bug if nobody shows up to your showcase?"), the first post lockdown, pre lockdown-again Hamtramck Music Fest has a few new wrinkles. Will there be protests? What can we protest? I remember when we/JCM got kicked off a few years ago, thus creating that whole boring Zero Tolerance copy/paste, there were actual protests. Real life stuff. Not this media curated shit we see today. This was organic in that the pure dislike for us brought the local community together in a way we haven't seen before and definitely not since. I even think that fucking linthead Liggett suggested they contact homeland security. Yes, this really happened in one of their group meetings. I have the tapes! What can we hope for this year? Will these glandular cases show up?

Good god, could you imagine if the Jesus Chainsaw Massacre was active and performing in the age of rib-suckers like that, all being wheeled around in motor carts stolen from every Kroger in town, all attached to oxygen tanks, and their cuck fuckbois wearing hip femme backpacks with "Press" on them but instead of notebooks and cameras they just have surplus sandwiches snatch and grabbed from the CVS on Joseph Campeau.

Ah yes, the preview. Still with the questions. Is the money still going to Hamtramck Public Schools? Are there any Hamtramck schools still open? I think so but am too lazy to verify, and even lazier to see why the price jumped from $10 to $15 when none of the bands are getting paid and everything is based off a volunteer/donor model.... Will there be a shuttle? Their poorly designed website (fuck the link, it's a waste of time anyway) is so basic I have no clue of any of the logistics. Spoiler alert. They don't either! Having a shuttle presents a paradox. Do we want a shuttle carting people around who may or may not be vaccinated, and this is as science is slowly saying that the vaccines are not as effective as we were initially told? Do we skip the shuttle and try to bank on running into Hamtramck Steve confronting the fat protest brigade up there and going into a sheer fit of rage and start throwing their scooters, rib sucker still attached, into the backyards of vacant houses? Or do we scrub the shuttle and risk having a repeat of those heinous sex crimes in Hamtramck during the Metro Times Blowout a few years ago? What heinous sex crimes, the newbies may ask.... Oh, just those where a couple girls were kidnapped and sexually assaulted by XXXXXX. You may not have heard about it because the Metro Times buried the story to avoid a negative spotlight on an event with their name on it. Actually, most of the local media slept on that story. We didn't, but weeeeee're the bad guys. But hey, in these modern times with higher crime rates and less police ahhh never mind.  Fuck the Metro Times.

But what do I know? Maybe my way of thinking is more on the outdated and less on the sympathetic.

Okay, the preview. Finally. For the new kids, and by the looks of the flyer, there are a lot of you, here is the format:  I take the band/performer/art fuck and search for them on Youtube, Facebook, Soundcamp, or Bandcloud for one example of your work. If I can't find you on these platforms with a simple search (I don't scroll) then you are a waste of time for me, a waste of space for the Fest, and an insult to any act that applied and was not selected. And you are damn right I am checking every comment on the HMF page saying "I applied" or "Why isn't XXXX playing? They applied" and linking these posts there. I would post the people selecting and curating the fest but not even I can tell you who that is these days, and that's exactly how they want it. For the acts I could find I check out the one thing I picked and give a 1 to 3 sentence honest review. Trust me, for 90% of the acts playing, this is more print/hype than you will see anywhere else. The HMF and the embers of local media have done ZERO to promote this this year. I didn't know it was starting August 5th until a Week before. Pathetic. But hey, live music is back baybay! Here is the preview for every band on the actual flyer posted on July 26th. If your act is added later (plans change ho ho ho) then you don't deserve to be on the preview. Eat shot.

Of note is the odd fact that some of the usual suspects are not listed (so far). 

No Danny Dustrod

None of JSB's 500 bands. Must be too busy team building with the Master Race at the WAB.

No Electric Six, although they have their own tour starting soon, probably to pay for Dick Valentine's stomach stapling procedure.

And, ye gods, no Caveman and Waterhead Waterhead! That has to be an error. I fully expect them to be added at some point, but we know what day it wont be.

How sad is that? They couldn't even spell Axl right. JCM will be at that show actually, and will be sure to play the Tease the Bum With A Dollar Bill Gag with them. Eat em up Woodman. No, really, eat em up. Okay, it's Tiiiiiiiiime! Pray for me.

The 2021 HMF Performers List A-C:

Act Casual- "Hillbilly Disco Live at El Club"- 49 views in over a year on Youtube. Those are JCM levels. They are technically sound but desperately need a "look". I almost sought out another link but that's breaking the rules. BTW, who's booking El Club these days? I've had people asking.

Alice Dreamt- "Caterpillars"- Preachy. Boring. More on this new genre in a minute.

All the Wild Children- "Sunsick Live"- The singer in the live clip looked like a skinny fat version of the doofus from Imaginatron. Which makes sense because, oh shit, its Scottie Stone on drums! Coolest thing about the clip was the cameo from the Beggars drum kit.

Anthony Retka- "Lonely"- Ugh, I'm 4 acts in and I see the first trend of HMF artists this year. Covid Rock. Covid Pop. Can we get an official name for this pussy shit? Its actually a really decent song that nails the chord changes, but ultimately already dated and empty.

Ashes of War- "Caldera" (?? I can't read my own writing)- Not sure if this is the act performing at HMF. I think it is. Says this is their debut single. Half Pantera. Half Cannibal Corpse. All Dork.

At Willoughby- Didn't preview. Have given them the JCM Seal of Approval in the past. In 2021, that's a death sentence.

Bad Magnets- "More Than Them"- 17 FB likes. That's sub-JCM levels. You have to try to get less. Music made on a laptop. This preview is the highest they will get. We have reached their ceiling.

Bananacondas- "St. George's Infirmiry"- Not sure if this is the act playing. 11 views. 0 likes. 1 dislike. Comments turned off. This is Hamfest!

The Band Mint- Live at Dally- I sure hope that rib sucker washes that Pistons jersey.

Beauville- Too generic to find any actual content that meets our criteria. Call themselves "Detroit Country" whatever that means. Their FB has no music. Book them on Outlaw Mud Mondays.

Black Magik The Infidel- "Return of the Living Dead"- We have out first Keeper! Utterly hilarious. Seek this video out. Off with their fuckin' head.

The Blitzers- "Incognito"- What is with these lazy videos with old movies set to new generic local music? Is this a thing? This is the 2nd one I've seen so far. Anyway, second album era MC5-lite. So, boring then.

Bloody Butterflies- Couldn't find much content. They look like nice people.

The Blueflowers- They play all these. I'm already getting bored. Look up an old preview. I'm not doing it again. I'm guessing they're the same.

The Boblo Islanders- "Are You Having Any Fun?"- No, ho ho ho. Another trend: Local acts with the inferiority/cute complex of repurposing local names. See: The Illitches, Palace of Auburn Hills, these guys, etc. This group is an interesting lot. Ragtime (? fuck it) black & white twee. The chick seems to have a personality and after about three Chivas Regals they'd get a pass. No no no, I mean a maybe!

Bombastic Dream Pussy- So before I searched, I set up some Vegas odds. Are they A. A bunch of hot lesbians. B. A bunch of "Pass" lesbians. C. Members of the Fat Antifa cluster from up there, or D. A bunch of dudes. I put $1 down on D for dudes, but hedged my bet with $0.50 on B for Pass lesbians.. Let's go! "Live at HMF 2020"- Well I won $0.25. Does not live up to the name. Girl kinda can't sing.

Bourbon Squirrel- "Live at Kelly's"- It looks like they only play Kelly's. Did you see Kelly's got sold? Will the new owners rehire that loser Jimmy Doom? Will they still have the same open drug policy? Oh, the band? Hey, my bet on B came through, just one act too late. Give me my $0.50.

The Bruised Reed- Reviewed them before. Next.

Bubak- Reviewed before. Next.

Burn Maralago- "Fuck You (helpme)"- Well, they at least they have a look, I guess. Generic "punk/edgy" rock by the Theater Kids. They totally have to be the Theater Kids right? I mean the video was filmed in a fucking Theater. Cute name. Totally the Theater Kids. I guess Violent J is not the only plus sized clown in town. 

Carbon Decoy- "Cemetery Station"- Decent. Sludgey. Fine. This is my idea of a good review.

Century Babes- Oh shit, time for another Vegas Prop Bet! A. Hot. B. Not. C. Dudes. I have $0.50 on A. Let's go! Oh no....No..... "Zoom Chat With Hip In Detroit"- Noooooooooo. I completely, totally lost this bet. My local music betting funds have absolutely cratered. In the gutter. Pass pass pass. It's all over. Ye gods!

Umoja- Looks like the idiot who came up with the alphabetized HMF flyer just got Umoja disqualified. Unless they are a new brand of hip and are pronounced with a "C". I'm voting on the HMF fuck up.

Soul of Charles Buddy Murphy- Same with this act. Its like they were added after the linthead started the flyer and he/she/fab was too lazy or incapable of editing it. At least this act has a letter "C" in their name, but still....Disqualified!

Choking Susan- "I Hate My Life"- This song obviously based on the "Bryan Metro Covers the HMF" Story. These geezers have been around forever. I can taste the dust puffing off of their IUD's. I hate this preview.

The Cult of Space Skrull- Didn't bother to look them up. Theater twerps.

Coastwilde- "Everyday"- Local rap. Catch it on a showcase bill if that's your thing. Camp in for the evening, skip the Covid shuttle/cab (Hamtramck cabs? hahaha), or car pool.

CRS RBN- I'm not looking that up.

DJ Deadphone- Another flyer alphabet error. DJ Disqualified. Plus I don't preview amateur hack DJ's.

Craig Brown Band- The Local Hall of Fame Legacy Act (along with George Morris) who has had a thousand opportunities all at the expense of younger, more talented acts, and stuck the landing on none of them. El Club bartender? Poof. Countless local bands with co-headlining slots? Yup. Third Man Records signee? Yep. Bust. How do you fuck that up? Now in real estate I think. Just as vacant a future as your average Detroit property. Not Hamtramck though. The property there is sneaky good and always on the move. The fix is in. But that's for another post...

Alright, that's it for Part 1 of the 2021 Hamtramck Music Festival preview. It was a chore. I have had better Part 1 previews in the past. I feel I didn't quite stick the landing on this one, and my mental makeup has taken a hit because of it. However, as much as the current society would encourage me to do so, I WILL NOT QUIT ON YOU. I will not give up because I had a subpar Part 1 and leave all of you hanging and the other local media outlets scrambling to cover the void left by me being a quitter. I will never allow that to happen. Whew, anyway, it was good to see you again. Come join me in a day or two for Part 2, Letters D-J. Let's have fun, one more time out of 5.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro