The following is satire and in no way meant to be serious or a reflection of the author's real views. Entertainment purposes only.
From the National Affairs Desk-
Hey everybody, sorry for the obnoxious cover photo. For some reason, my blog editor uses the first pic posted as the thumbnail when I post/link/spam these posts so I wanted to get it out of the way. Okay, the disclaimer....
Disclaimer: These previews may come off as mean, cruel, catty, petty, humorous (ok that was just me), among other things. That said, this is me at my most earnest and sincere..... Go to this thing. Yes, you heard right. Go out and buy a wristband. I no longer care to audit where the money goes. Just fucking go out and have fun like your life depends on it, and this time it might not be hyperbole to say so. I honestly think the swine are on the verge of locking everything down again. Or trying to at least. The blame is everywhere and most of those being blamed have a little to do with it. But I really don't think we will be getting another one of these next year, at least in its normal wintery spot. Normally I would make a joke about the ineptitude of the HMF organizers, but I'm not joking. So good lord, go out and have fun. Get vaccinated if you are comfortable. Be safe if you wish not to. I'm not advocating either way, and I'm no scientist (just a doctor), but I think me and you, as average Joe and Janes, have as much credibility as those making and changing the rules every fucking day. Medium story short- Go to this and have fun. Hang out with friends. Make new friends you might not see in a year. Create memories. Get pregnant knowing that you probably have a valid excuse never to see them ever again. And if you are a veteran of these things tell them about the good old days before the pigs got their little taste of power. Sermon over. On to the preview. I wrote this yesterday...
The following is satire and in no way meant to be serious or a reflection of the author's real views. Entertainment purposes only.
Hey oatmealheads, Part 1 of the 2021 Hamtramck Music Festival is barely in the books and here we are rushing into Part 2. I really wanted to quit after Part 1 because it really was a chore and surprisingly the hits were down. More people read the fake JCM Fest posts than the HMF preview, and that scares me. But I have to go on and finish this even if Part 5 S-Z is posted after the Fest is over which would be hilarious. I really think this will be my last ever HMF preview so I should see it through. Take that however you want.
The following is satire and in no way meant to be serious or a reflection of the author's real views. Entertainment purposes only.
A quick recap of the last one: New video trope- Local band sets shitty song to clips from old movies. New genre- Lonely, emo, Covid Pop. New/Same Annoyance- Fucking Theater Kids. Homework Assignment for this Part.... It seems that the Covid Mask Paranoia is getting the media rush job since the last post THREE DAYS AGO. Vegas is reinstating its mask mandate even for the vaccinated starting July 30th. Washington DC as well despite having Zero Covid deaths last week. Okay. Many places of employment are now requiring proof of vaccination. Oh just the government and military. Public trust is eroding faster than Eugene Strobe's hairline. No biggie. Pfizer announced that the vaccine's effectiveness dissipates after 6 months, or just in time for the 3rd quarter profit reports to shareholders. Hold on, I'm getting to the punchline. A few more... The Marble Bar now requires proof of vaccination to enter. Will the venues at HMF follow suit? Is there enough time to even coordinate this? The fest didn't release the schedule until a week before and even then didn't update the website. They just posted 16 flyers, one for each venue. What....the.....fuck..... Anyway will any of these venues require masks or vaccines? Buy the ticket, take the ride. After all, isn't this the "largest local music festival of its kind" which happens to take place in our "beloved close knit local enclave" of Hamtramck, MI, U.S.A.N.K. Ye gods, if this isn't a recipe for disaster. Its painfully obvious that those in charge have zero clue of what's going on and how to deal with it. And here's the punchline. Am I talking about the government or the Hamtramck Music Festival Committee? Here is the hot take of the young century: I actually think that the HMF committee can do just as good a job managing the pandemic as the government, if not better. Can we petition for a trade? A straight up Swap? Let's put the HMF Committee in charge of the national Covid response and let Fauci book the showcase at Trixies for Hamtramck Music Fest. He can even sell sketchy food out the back since he's an expert on people getting sick. Hot damn, Part 2 is even better than Part 1. Let's ruin it all by getting to the bands.
The preceding was satire and in no way meant to be serious or a reflection of the ally's real views. Entertainment purposes only.
2021 HMF Band Preview Letters D-J
Danny Vanzandt- "Sisyphus"- Wuss autotune drip. Now I have to wash my eyes out with 10 minutes of Paige Vanzandt.
Deadsurf- "Death Shake"- 63 views. 5 likes on Youtube. This is a crime because I thought it was great. My favorite act so far. Pretty fucking good surf rock with reverb to spare.
Deadwitxh- "Everybody Wants Me Dead"- I can relate. Okay music made on a computer. Nothing to it. I really have nothing. Stupid band name alert.
Deal Breakers- "Get Over It"- I had no problem with this either. If I paid for a wristband I would check this out. Love the reverb on the lead guitar. A lot.
Dear Darkness- "White Lightning"- Ah, good old Dear Dykeness. I almost skipped and flagged as "Reviewed Before" but I wanted to see if they got more haggard. Aaaaaafirmative! This is real awful stuff. Avoid.
Deep Bloom- Facebook Page- Says that HMF is their first live performance. Love how that works. Looks like a two piece, harmless act with a wild Samoan and a real cutie of a singer. Ok.
Denise Davis & the Motor City Sensations- Live at Knight Ampitheater- Exactly like you would picture based on the group's name. Ex-actly.
Detroit 442- "Fucked Up"- I've seen this name before. Did they play this year's Hoe Army Bikini Car Wash? Which reminds me, I still have a post outlined where I review last year's calendar from that event. Cheesecake stuff. No really. Lots of cheesecake. Oh the band... Generic punk-ish rock. It's ok. The lyrics suck, but what do you expect?
Detroit Dives- Live at Smalls- Decent but generic. Sorry, I gotta rip through these.
Detroit Party Marching Band- Forever twerps and a waste of time and space.
Detroit Trouble- Live in Taylor- Oh man, this should be good....Its not. Actually, this could have been the second coming of The Stooges and I would have still used that punchline. I'm that predictable. But really, its not that good. Southern (?) dirtbag rock. They do get points for all of them looking like The Indian from my band.
The Dirty News- I typed this in and I got a bunch of naked hardbodies doing the weather and each other. After that I couldn't go back and look for this band.
The Doozers- Reviewed before. Probably made an easy joke about their name.
DJ Hypermane- I don't review DJ's.
Duende!- Reviewed before. Decent to good band. Ok, actually pretty good. Been around forever. Boss Radio baybay. The chick despises me. I have no idea why ho ho ho. They lose points for the naggy hag.
Edison Hollow- "Circle of Madness"- They put some effort into the video despite it being filmed in a basement. I think they are all indy wrestlers when not playing music in basements. By next year the Hamtramck Music Fest will take place in this band's fucking basement. "Nobody said anything about 50 bands with 8 fans in a fucking basement". Not bad.
Emma Guzman- Live in the D- Awwwww she takes it so seriously. Nothing wrong with that or the music here. Harmless singer-songwriter stuff. I can't be too mean to that. So innocent.
End- I'm not looking that up.
Eroders- Reviewed Before.
Extra Arms- Reviewed Before. But hey its Ryan Allen, so why not. "Up From Here"- Same shit for 15+ fucking years. Loses a Ton of points for filming the video in separate places for each band member but the waterhead drummer is still wearing a mask like its some profound commentary on society. Watch, he probably has some horrific immune disorder and I will feel awful after hitting Publish. Nah, lets roll with failed socio-commentary. I think The Handgrenades did a similar thing in one of their videos, playing to a non-existent crowd (method acting) while wearing masks. Probably to keep JSB from eating the Subway sandwich platters.
The Gashounds- Live HMF 2019- Whew, it's getting late/early at the National Affairs Desk. I thought this said the Hounds Below, the band from Jason Von Bonfire. Nah, different band here. Yet still, pretty generic. The singer has Lee Majors' hair. There, that's my fucking review. Somebody's hair......
Gatorade Boys- I spent 45 seconds looking for stuff using "Gatorade Boys" and now I'm probably on one of Biden's lists. But which one muahahahahahahahahahahahaha
The Gerries- Another act I couldn't find anything on. The first site that came up was a Furry group. Jesus, what are these simps trying to do to me?
Ghost:Hello- Live at Buzzloin- Cracking up. Guitar and drum two piece. Absolute wall of sound noise gold. They are the White Stripes if the White Stripes were two Haystacks Calhoun's. Fuck it, I'm watching this again.
Grand Heft- Live HMF 2020- The name had me chuckling. All downhill from there. The rest was average. Buy a wristband so these imbeciles can get a mic that works.
Haze the North Side Mexican- Vegas Bet Time! A. Hotties. B. Plain Jane Passes. C. Dudes. D. A fucking Mexican. F' it. $1 on D plz. "Big Hoodoo"- I think I won $1. Hip hop gimmicky stuff. I like that his Youtube channel has vids of his kids. Gangsta.
Hell Dollars- Couldn't find anything. Dumbasses.
Holy Profane- Vegas Bet: A. Hip hop. B. Rap. C. Fat Mary's. I have $1 on hip hop. Go! It ended up being D: Awful music with "Try Too Hard" clever titles. This is really bad stuff. Unironically ironically offensive shit.
The Honest To God Jug Band- I don't have to search this do I? Though it would be funny that after about 50 acts and guesses they end up being hot lesbians.
Huron Fire- Live @ Studio 41- Mid Michigan "metalcore". Just living the dream and keeping the scene alive. Little fishes on big fucking hooks.
Well that's it for Part 2 of the Hamtramck Music Festival 2021 Preview. I really need to step it up so you have all the info you need to pencil in your schedules and plan your evenings (nobody goes during the day other than Woodman I think, bless his heart). Keep in mind that the acts in the preview are from the July 26th flyer so there may be some new additions and for all I know everybody I just spent the last two days looking up have already dropped out, got sacked, or been replaced. Vegas bet!!!
From the Iceman Commeth,
Dr. Bryan Metro
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