From the National Affairs Desk-
Sweet Jesus, this came out of nowhere. It seems like last week I was outlining a post covering my application for this year's Hamtramck Music Festival complete with legal counsel to get out of the barbaric Zero Tolerance and fascist Hold Harmless policies. The application and subsequent post would have served as a warning for the new crop of naive musicians looking to become the next success story to rise out of the slums of our city. These poor bastards were lining up to neuter their infant voices and erect a giant neon sign that says "Take Our Creative License and Our Gear While You're At It!" These poor kids needed a veteran of the trenches, an elder statesman to steer them away from the swine. Who better to do that than me, a true Motor City Saint, and someone who isn't afraid of being cancelled just because my act has a song called "Fat Mary" about a girl named Mary.
I figured I had enough time to let this simmer and marinate and then BOOM, this comes flying over the Mojo Wire...
Those fuckers sure don't waste any time (just everyone else's time and money). The lineup was already out and, Holy Fuck, its in a week! I stress that the lineup is out. The actual schedule isn't out until the 29th which gives everyone exactly one week to plan their venue hopping which is one of the more fun aspects of these fests. So I had to call an audible and shelve the fake, yet real, JCM application and dive right into the preview. Which means I also had to scrap my other project, a breakdown of this year's Kresge Arts Fellowship Grant Whatevers. In a nutshell, it was a predictable mash-up of your average mental defectives so diverse its not actually diverse. So, basically, predictable, safe, and boring. I sent a missive to Wang Yellowbone asking him to really spice it up so I can do a JCM/Lavender Fellowship Post which was to be a vast improvement over the Kresge hacks because let's face the facts, the Kresge grants are basically the Detroit Music Awards of Fellowship grants. This project also ran out of time, but not before a winners photo collage was drafted. You can see it here, below. I tried to keep a few from the actual Kresge photo collage, and yes, the possible mugshot guy (bottom row, can't miss it) Had to stay! In fact the original plan was for the entire collage to be local mugshots, but we decided on a few of the Kresge goofs, the possible mugshot guy on the bottom row, and a few Easter eggs.
Holy shit-fire, we're already a page and a half in, longhand, and time is already running out. Looking at the flyer I am going to have to divide this into five parts with Part 1, this one, being letters A through C. To the preview!
Once the HMF announced it was moving forward after a forgotten Covid edition I even forgot to cover, I saw that the buzz was as predictable as ever, the same blissfilled rhetoric as always....
Covid jokes aside ("How can you catch The Bug if nobody shows up to your showcase?"), the first post lockdown, pre lockdown-again Hamtramck Music Fest has a few new wrinkles. Will there be protests? What can we protest? I remember when we/JCM got kicked off a few years ago, thus creating that whole boring Zero Tolerance copy/paste, there were actual protests. Real life stuff. Not this media curated shit we see today. This was organic in that the pure dislike for us brought the local community together in a way we haven't seen before and definitely not since. I even think that fucking linthead Liggett suggested they contact homeland security. Yes, this really happened in one of their group meetings. I have the tapes! What can we hope for this year? Will these glandular cases show up?
Good god, could you imagine if the Jesus Chainsaw Massacre was active and performing in the age of rib-suckers like that, all being wheeled around in motor carts stolen from every Kroger in town, all attached to oxygen tanks, and their cuck fuckbois wearing hip femme backpacks with "Press" on them but instead of notebooks and cameras they just have surplus sandwiches snatch and grabbed from the CVS on Joseph Campeau.
Ah yes, the preview. Still with the questions. Is the money still going to Hamtramck Public Schools? Are there any Hamtramck schools still open? I think so but am too lazy to verify, and even lazier to see why the price jumped from $10 to $15 when none of the bands are getting paid and everything is based off a volunteer/donor model.... Will there be a shuttle? Their poorly designed website (fuck the link, it's a waste of time anyway) is so basic I have no clue of any of the logistics. Spoiler alert. They don't either! Having a shuttle presents a paradox. Do we want a shuttle carting people around who may or may not be vaccinated, and this is as science is slowly saying that the vaccines are not as effective as we were initially told? Do we skip the shuttle and try to bank on running into Hamtramck Steve confronting the fat protest brigade up there and going into a sheer fit of rage and start throwing their scooters, rib sucker still attached, into the backyards of vacant houses? Or do we scrub the shuttle and risk having a repeat of those heinous sex crimes in Hamtramck during the Metro Times Blowout a few years ago? What heinous sex crimes, the newbies may ask.... Oh, just those where a couple girls were kidnapped and sexually assaulted by XXXXXX. You may not have heard about it because the Metro Times buried the story to avoid a negative spotlight on an event with their name on it. Actually, most of the local media slept on that story. We didn't, but weeeeee're the bad guys. But hey, in these modern times with higher crime rates and less police ahhh never mind. Fuck the Metro Times.
But what do I know? Maybe my way of thinking is more on the outdated and less on the sympathetic.
Okay, the preview. Finally. For the new kids, and by the looks of the flyer, there are a lot of you, here is the format: I take the band/performer/art fuck and search for them on Youtube, Facebook, Soundcamp, or Bandcloud for one example of your work. If I can't find you on these platforms with a simple search (I don't scroll) then you are a waste of time for me, a waste of space for the Fest, and an insult to any act that applied and was not selected. And you are damn right I am checking every comment on the HMF page saying "I applied" or "Why isn't XXXX playing? They applied" and linking these posts there. I would post the people selecting and curating the fest but not even I can tell you who that is these days, and that's exactly how they want it. For the acts I could find I check out the one thing I picked and give a 1 to 3 sentence honest review. Trust me, for 90% of the acts playing, this is more print/hype than you will see anywhere else. The HMF and the embers of local media have done ZERO to promote this this year. I didn't know it was starting August 5th until a Week before. Pathetic. But hey, live music is back baybay! Here is the preview for every band on the actual flyer posted on July 26th. If your act is added later (plans change ho ho ho) then you don't deserve to be on the preview. Eat shot.
Of note is the odd fact that some of the usual suspects are not listed (so far).
No Danny Dustrod
None of JSB's 500 bands. Must be too busy team building with the Master Race at the WAB.
No Electric Six, although they have their own tour starting soon, probably to pay for Dick Valentine's stomach stapling procedure.
And, ye gods, no Caveman and Waterhead Waterhead! That has to be an error. I fully expect them to be added at some point, but we know what day it wont be.
How sad is that? They couldn't even spell Axl right. JCM will be at that show actually, and will be sure to play the Tease the Bum With A Dollar Bill Gag with them. Eat em up Woodman. No, really, eat em up. Okay, it's Tiiiiiiiiime! Pray for me.
The 2021 HMF Performers List A-C:
Act Casual- "Hillbilly Disco Live at El Club"- 49 views in over a year on Youtube. Those are JCM levels. They are technically sound but desperately need a "look". I almost sought out another link but that's breaking the rules. BTW, who's booking El Club these days? I've had people asking.
Alice Dreamt- "Caterpillars"- Preachy. Boring. More on this new genre in a minute.
All the Wild Children- "Sunsick Live"- The singer in the live clip looked like a skinny fat version of the doofus from Imaginatron. Which makes sense because, oh shit, its Scottie Stone on drums! Coolest thing about the clip was the cameo from the Beggars drum kit.
Anthony Retka- "Lonely"- Ugh, I'm 4 acts in and I see the first trend of HMF artists this year. Covid Rock. Covid Pop. Can we get an official name for this pussy shit? Its actually a really decent song that nails the chord changes, but ultimately already dated and empty.
Ashes of War- "Caldera" (?? I can't read my own writing)- Not sure if this is the act performing at HMF. I think it is. Says this is their debut single. Half Pantera. Half Cannibal Corpse. All Dork.
At Willoughby- Didn't preview. Have given them the JCM Seal of Approval in the past. In 2021, that's a death sentence.
Bad Magnets- "More Than Them"- 17 FB likes. That's sub-JCM levels. You have to try to get less. Music made on a laptop. This preview is the highest they will get. We have reached their ceiling.
Bananacondas- "St. George's Infirmiry"- Not sure if this is the act playing. 11 views. 0 likes. 1 dislike. Comments turned off. This is Hamfest!
The Band Mint- Live at Dally- I sure hope that rib sucker washes that Pistons jersey.
Beauville- Too generic to find any actual content that meets our criteria. Call themselves "Detroit Country" whatever that means. Their FB has no music. Book them on Outlaw Mud Mondays.
Black Magik The Infidel- "Return of the Living Dead"- We have out first Keeper! Utterly hilarious. Seek this video out. Off with their fuckin' head.
The Blitzers- "Incognito"- What is with these lazy videos with old movies set to new generic local music? Is this a thing? This is the 2nd one I've seen so far. Anyway, second album era MC5-lite. So, boring then.
Bloody Butterflies- Couldn't find much content. They look like nice people.
The Blueflowers- They play all these. I'm already getting bored. Look up an old preview. I'm not doing it again. I'm guessing they're the same.
The Boblo Islanders- "Are You Having Any Fun?"- No, ho ho ho. Another trend: Local acts with the inferiority/cute complex of repurposing local names. See: The Illitches, Palace of Auburn Hills, these guys, etc. This group is an interesting lot. Ragtime (? fuck it) black & white twee. The chick seems to have a personality and after about three Chivas Regals they'd get a pass. No no no, I mean a maybe!
Bombastic Dream Pussy- So before I searched, I set up some Vegas odds. Are they A. A bunch of hot lesbians. B. A bunch of "Pass" lesbians. C. Members of the Fat Antifa cluster from up there, or D. A bunch of dudes. I put $1 down on D for dudes, but hedged my bet with $0.50 on B for Pass lesbians.. Let's go! "Live at HMF 2020"- Well I won $0.25. Does not live up to the name. Girl kinda can't sing.
Bourbon Squirrel- "Live at Kelly's"- It looks like they only play Kelly's. Did you see Kelly's got sold? Will the new owners rehire that loser Jimmy Doom? Will they still have the same open drug policy? Oh, the band? Hey, my bet on B came through, just one act too late. Give me my $0.50.
The Bruised Reed- Reviewed them before. Next.
Bubak- Reviewed before. Next.
Burn Maralago- "Fuck You (helpme)"- Well, they at least they have a look, I guess. Generic "punk/edgy" rock by the Theater Kids. They totally have to be the Theater Kids right? I mean the video was filmed in a fucking Theater. Cute name. Totally the Theater Kids. I guess Violent J is not the only plus sized clown in town.
Carbon Decoy- "Cemetery Station"- Decent. Sludgey. Fine. This is my idea of a good review.
Century Babes- Oh shit, time for another Vegas Prop Bet! A. Hot. B. Not. C. Dudes. I have $0.50 on A. Let's go! Oh no....No..... "Zoom Chat With Hip In Detroit"- Noooooooooo. I completely, totally lost this bet. My local music betting funds have absolutely cratered. In the gutter. Pass pass pass. It's all over. Ye gods!
Umoja- Looks like the idiot who came up with the alphabetized HMF flyer just got Umoja disqualified. Unless they are a new brand of hip and are pronounced with a "C". I'm voting on the HMF fuck up.
Soul of Charles Buddy Murphy- Same with this act. Its like they were added after the linthead started the flyer and he/she/fab was too lazy or incapable of editing it. At least this act has a letter "C" in their name, but still....Disqualified!
Choking Susan- "I Hate My Life"- This song obviously based on the "Bryan Metro Covers the HMF" Story. These geezers have been around forever. I can taste the dust puffing off of their IUD's. I hate this preview.
The Cult of Space Skrull- Didn't bother to look them up. Theater twerps.
Coastwilde- "Everyday"- Local rap. Catch it on a showcase bill if that's your thing. Camp in for the evening, skip the Covid shuttle/cab (Hamtramck cabs? hahaha), or car pool.
CRS RBN- I'm not looking that up.
DJ Deadphone- Another flyer alphabet error. DJ Disqualified. Plus I don't preview amateur hack DJ's.
Craig Brown Band- The Local Hall of Fame Legacy Act (along with George Morris) who has had a thousand opportunities all at the expense of younger, more talented acts, and stuck the landing on none of them. El Club bartender? Poof. Countless local bands with co-headlining slots? Yup. Third Man Records signee? Yep. Bust. How do you fuck that up? Now in real estate I think. Just as vacant a future as your average Detroit property. Not Hamtramck though. The property there is sneaky good and always on the move. The fix is in. But that's for another post...
Alright, that's it for Part 1 of the 2021 Hamtramck Music Festival preview. It was a chore. I have had better Part 1 previews in the past. I feel I didn't quite stick the landing on this one, and my mental makeup has taken a hit because of it. However, as much as the current society would encourage me to do so, I WILL NOT QUIT ON YOU. I will not give up because I had a subpar Part 1 and leave all of you hanging and the other local media outlets scrambling to cover the void left by me being a quitter. I will never allow that to happen. Whew, anyway, it was good to see you again. Come join me in a day or two for Part 2, Letters D-J. Let's have fun, one more time out of 5.
From the Iceman Commeth,
Dr. Bryan Metro
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