The First Chapter/Act of Metro's Screenplay "Piss Bag"

Hey all, Metro here.  With the success of "A Quiet Place" and "Bird Box"  I have decided to rip off/write a screenplay/novel called "Piss Bag".  And as a bonus to the Constant Readers here is the first chapter!!



It all started in the summer. At first it was only covered by TMZ and Reddit and most of society laughed it off, but as more and more people died everybody started to take notice.

My name is Ben, and I am currently trapped in a bathroom at MidCi in Sherman Oaks, Ca, along with my wife, an African American named April, her daughter from a previous relationship Roont (bi-racial), our son Logan, and our adopted Asian daughter Finn.  We have no idea how long we have before TIME RUNS OUT!

When the mainstream media finally caught on they called it "The Nose Pop", and it started that summer. At first it was a few deaths here and there, but then it started to gain traction. Famous scientists from around the globe concluded that the fatality epidemic was being caused by a neurological reaction to foul smells. This is when the panic began. Thousands lost their lives by trying to be proactive and plugging their noses which resulted in a multitude of asphyxiation deaths that CNN termed "The Suicides". My family tried to maintain life as usual, but every now and then whenever I passed a dumpster or an Indian restaurant, the boils would start popping up on my arms.

Yet still, I refused to give in to this mysterious, unexplained plot point epidemic. And because of this is why I am stuck in this bathroom now.  It was my mistake refusing to acknowledge an obvious MacGuffan and took my family to get pizza at MidCis.

Everything was going great until the asshole next to us orders one of those custom jobs with next to everything on it. Almost immediately, the entire restaurant erupts into mass chaos.  The businessman at the window table cut off his tongue with a fountain pen.  Nicky, that Italian greaseball and everybody's favorite regular, had his stomach cave in as he was rushing to the door. With Nicky's 350 lbs blocking our only exit I realized we had to work fast. The couple to the left of us started to disrobe for one last time before their hands fell off. I noticed that our daughter Roo's hair had begun falling out so we had to act quick. So I gathered the family, along with a few other survivors: Tully, the transgender artist, Betty, the lesbian who lives next door, Randy, the failed musician, Outrageous Mike, the model, Trent, who lives in that house near the beach, and Zoro, who we call Zoro because nobody knows his real name but he is Mexican.

So here we are. A stalemate. Stuck inside of a bathroom. Right now I can hear the screaming outside.  Thankfully it only lasts for a few minutes and the screams are replaced by the sounds of chewing. I went to comfort my wife April but she was on her phone with her broker. I was sure the kids would need their father figure, but they were pre-occupied with some game on their tablets.

Tully, the tranny, was the first to crack. He turned on all the water faucets and started to scream for help. Already knowing that smell can kill you, I immediately questioned whether sound can as well, so I choked Tully until he stopped moving, and just to be sure, I removed his eyes in case sight can doom us.

By this point, I was three beers in at the restaurant along with the six I had before we left.  Thankfully, we are trapped in a bathroom, waiting it out.  I go back to April, who is finally off her goddamn phone, to tell her that I have to go take care of "Hungry Harry" and will be back once I relieve myself. I make sure to check on the rest of the survivors as well.  Tully has passed away most likely due to the smell ingestion before getting into the bathroom.  That would be my best guess. I then receive the coldest chill of my life when I reach the urinal, with my equipment already out, "Hungry Harry" ready to spurt.  My worst fear has come true.... A Piss Bag.

So that's it!  The first chapter of the soon to be hit movie and my next book.  What happens next? How long can the characters last? When is too much for the Piss Bag and it breaks? Jeeze, this screenwriting stuff is easy!

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Ok, I'll say it. Sugarman Rodriguez Fucking Sucks

I swear 2016/2017 must be the year(s) of the local music scene being a joke (actually it goes farther back probably to 2008 when I fronted a band, sold out numerous Blowouts/festivals, won a Detroit Music Award, etc.).

I saw just now that Sucksto Rodriguez aka Sleepy...I mean Sugarman has two shows scheduled this Saturday April 22nd, one at the Crofoot and one at the Old Miami.  I have been monitoring the event sites and numerous people have said they have tickets and if the shows are really happening.  ZERO response from either venues.  Now my band has sold out both venues in the past and they are good people, but I really think that nobody knows whats going on.....which is typical from Rodriguez. 

A many few of my music journalist friends have said that he is impossible to work with and actually charges money for photos and interviews (when he isn't shielded by his PR crew....that's what an Oscar Nom gets these days).  And typically with scam artists these days, he is charging $30-35 for the Crofoot show and $20 for the Old Miami show.....

This is a "man of the people"???  Has the Old Miami charged $20 for anything????

Ok, in a nutshell, Rodriguez sucks.  Allow me to elaborate if you care to read.....

The geezer has thrown his hat in the Detroit mayor race before and actually HAS DONE IT AGAIN! in 2017.!!??!!

Lets be honest and non-PC here.  The dude has been milking the South Africa gimmick for 5 years now, although I think its just his "handlers" who prop him up for shows, and who are probably the real criminals here, and here's a throwback.... the dude had no idea his music was being used without his permission, yet some want him to be Mayor????  This city never fails to impress.

I have never heard a Rodriguez song in my life, and I do keep tabs on music and film.  To be honest, I actually feel bad for the guy.  All these leeches and scabs using the "easy" narrative to line their pockets. 

And that will happen April 22nd at both the Crofoot and Old Miami.  Depending where you decide to go, have a good one!

Have I ever lied to you....
Bryan Metro 

Queen Kwong (local music scene) is a joke...

This scene is a joke.

So here's the story and I'll spin it quick:

L.A. band with a self-indulged frontwoman who takes nude pics to try to "get over the hump" which fails (but hey I'm not judging), and then hooks up with a 90's relic from Limp Bisquit and it finally gains some steam.

They decide to "move" to Michigan and is a featured act at the "largest local music festival investigated by the IRS" the Hamtramck Music Festival.  They had a few supporting shows before the Fest but after the Fest.....absolutely nothing.  Way to go Michigan.

Next up is a UK tour financed by Wes Borland's Visa followed by a "new record" which nobody will be able to name a song from.

They're like a tick.....chomp down on a local music fest (advertised as volunteered but were they paid????) and then disappear.

So Queen Kwong....fuck off.  Age is going to hit you hard...

So make a t-shirt about that, airhead...

There are absolutely ZERO local music writers who give a shit anymore. I understand the need to be positive about local music, but just ignoring all the bullshit going around is inexcusable. If you call yourself a "music journalist" and turn a blind eye to the terrible stuff that is going around and just co-opting press releases and sugar coating everything.....well fuck. And to you, I say, Fuck you too. There's no opinion anymore. You're welcome.

Oh, and just to reiterate how much of a joke this is.  I hope every act that played the "largest local music festival being investigated by the IRS" takes a good look at this pic.

Great job EVERYONE!

Follow the Buzzards
Bryan Metro

Fapdate

It's the eve of the first day of October and I'm waivering on whether or not I'm going to do the daily movie review. Noone cares except our sycophants. I take a look at Facebook for the first time in a long time. The self promotion monsters that are my friends disgust me. Noone cares except our sycophants. What is the point of creating all this music, media, and art?  If fame is the game we're in the wrong city.  If it's an ego boost, doesn't that get old after a certain age or after the 800th performance to a room with maybe 20 people you are directly or Inderectly acquainted with?  All the back patting and ass kissing is just a giant suckfest that makes me shudder whenever witnessed. The only time we made a worthwhile monetary return was when we knew nobody, hated everybody, and mercilessly preached our opinion on this inconsequential purple blog with yellow arial font.  Hip in detroit is just the worst. Anyone that says otherwise is full of shit. The new metro times double wide is pretty close in suckitude.  Everything is shit. Everything is an upvote on reddit, a like on Facebook, a repost on tumblr.  Everyone wants the reacharound but they don't want to take it up the ass to get there.  I hate all of you. Your music is subpar if not unlistenable. You can hardly frame a complete sentence.  I'm not saying we're any better. The human centipede of ass kissing is pathetic. But hey, noone cares except our sycophants.

Dash -

Kelly Oxford Quote of the Day

Okay thousands of readers, I am creating a new segment on the Lavender blog because there is a parasite out there worse than any scrutiny for any local bands.  Bitch's name: Kelly Oxford.  She has a book coming out titled, "I Went on Internet While My Husband Made Money" and she is imploring her sycophant twitter followers to buy it.  She's basically Chelsea Handler Coke Zero.  So I figured I would start up a weekly column called "Kelly Oxford Quote of the Day".  This is an actual quote from her.  I will let you decide if it is condescending, introspective, or just plain dumb and out of her element.

Kelly Oxford Quote of the Day:  "It’s a very long process. Now I understand this whole idea of movies being a labor of love. I used to hear about movies taking eight years to get made and wonder, “Why does it take so long?” Now I understand why."

Ladies and gentlemen....Kelly Oxford.


From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Moving Forward

Hey Slurries,
It's been quite the busy week over here at the JCM Lavender HQ.  So far we've bitched about Bleached, outed the Jamaican Queens, and Deastro'ed CJonst.  So where does that leave us?
Well, now that we're getting back into the swing of things, I am pleased to say that we will now be doing daily updates instead of the normal monthly one's.  What type of content can you look forward to?  You tell us! 
Want more free new music downloads from the Checker's label?  You got it!
How about some more chapter previews of my debut novel, "The Invisible People"?  I can do that!  Hmmm, does some more fraud exposing, hypocrite announcing, truth seeking sound good to you?  Sounds good to me! 
Our most popular period during the Lavender's five year history was when I was running the daily pop culture lists.  Want some more of those?  Survey says, Yep! 
Or perhaps you would be interested in us making fun of someone that is physically different from us.  Too easy! 
The fact is, you never know whats around the corner so keep your eyes open..

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

well we made the news (in Tuscon)***updated***

***if you would like to send your discontent to hitler aka Randy Pullen, click here


"Yada Yada Politics
Tucson's and Arizona's Political Mud Puddle
State GOP chair no fan of ‘Los Faggots’
by Mark B. Evans on Jun.30, 2010, under Politics

Sound Strike Rings Hollow
Phoenix, AZ – As various artists, musicians and entertainers jump on the boycott bandwagon to protest Arizona’s new immigration law, Arizona Republican Party Chairman Randy Pullen questioned the motives of an industry who also suffers from those who ignore the laws of the land.

“So often we hear celebrities weigh in on political issues of which they lack a fundamental understanding of the issue,” said Chairman Pullen. “While they are certainly entitled to express their opinion, I would expect that they would at least have one that is consistent. Musicians and artists justifiably complain about copyright infringement and those who willfully ignore the law when it comes to stealing intellectual property. Is it beyond reason to expect citizens and foreign visitors to abide by federal law when it comes to immigration policy?”

According to various news reports, a group of entertainers have joined together to boycott Arizona in protest of SB 1070. Whether or not the artists actually had scheduled shows in Arizona remains unclear and unreported.

“It’s surprising that these people are so out of touch with the overwhelming numbers of Americans that support the bill,” continued the Chairman. “With such high-profile acts such as the Jesus Chainsaw Massacre, Los Faggots and Anti-Flag, I’ll be surprised if all our concert halls and entertainment venues don’t immediately close their doors.

“I would argue that our situation is similar to having someone sneak into their concert without a ticket,” said the Chairman. “I’m curious if these artists sing a different tune when it comes to security at their shows. Nowadays, concert security search people more thoroughly than Border Patrol. Seems a bit hypocritical to me.

“I respect their right to oppose the federal law that will now be enforced in Arizona,” said Pullen. “But with nearly two dozen of other states considering implementing the measure, where they are going to play? Canceling non-existent shows in Arizona is one thing, butbacking out of real gigs? Now that would be sending a message to the fans who support your livelihood.”


Political High Horse

Review of my bandmate's friend's breasts, and the Stella show 12/06/08

This weekend was alright. After not sleeping I found myself at my apartment awaiting JR so that we could predrink (5 Hours!) before the show. He brought my Xmas gift early, a 5 CD changer with MP3 port! I listened to the radio all day Sunday. But I'm getting ahead of myself. We showshoed to Ann Arbor and met up with Peter Mantos of Roll the Dice/Fiberglass fame fresh from Cincy, and their friend Suzanne. We ate a bottle of wine (6 Hours now), and I tried not to get caught staring at Suzanne's breasts. Seriously, she had possibly the best breasts I've seen all year. Even layered with December/Michigan clothing, they just would not quit. 

 We hiked to the Stella show, and found out it was sold out so Suzanne couldn't get in. (JR, Peter, & myself had pre-ordered tickets.) I contemplated giving her JR's ticket but it was he who bought them so she left to continue drinking (bummer). The Stella show was a blast and the parts I caught while not daydreaming about this girl's breasts were hilarious. They had music, skits, videos, audience participation; everything. We got to hang out with them afterwards, and it was all good. We went downstairs after the show to the 8 Ball and met up with Suzy. I believe the Friendly Foes were sitting in the booth behind us. After an hour or so, I was completely blitzed, probably due to the large amount of alcohol I had consumed along with my anti-anxiety medicine. I got into a funk. I wanted to go dancing or karaoking, but everyone was burrowed in the 8 Ball like ticks. I got (needlessly) frustrated and went upstairs. I caught a few songs from the Friendly Foes ( boring), and then went back downstairs. Everyone hadn't changed their opinion so I went back upstairs. Charlie Slick was playing. I actually was intrigued to see this because I haven't seen him live before, and the photos I've seen paint it as quite the fun live act. Maybe it was my near overdose, but I was underwhelmed. Same old, same old naggy electro pop "Yeahhhh Michigan" short people music except with a fan. This guy played with Crystal Castles??!! I think I bought gummie bears from this guy at the Emagine the other day. Next.

 
So by this time, I was completely out of it, and seeing the confetti brought back bad memories so I left to go to the Heidelberg to see Tokyo Sexwhale and Inkface. The camera crew setting up for some documentary couldn't tell me which way to go so I merged with two girls who walked me there and all I could think about was how cold it was. I came in at the tail end of Sexwhale's show and was not surprised to see that the Classics kids had already started setting up near the back, and were already bleeding one of the members of The Go and in the corner was a pile of clothes and what looked to be pink and grey ribbons of skin. I said my hellos (The Classics kids were a couple years ahead of me at school). Oddly enough, I had no trouble finding my way back to the Pig which now seemed to be on fire. I saw JR, Peter, and Ann walking to the car as people were racing from the burning building screaming, melting. One of the Classics kids, Henry, was running after a couple wielding an ancient looking Satterle's bone saw (28.5 cm) with detachable blade (20cm). It looked like he was wearing one of the Dirtbombs' old guitarists which would have taken way longer to stich together than the time it took me to go to the Heidelberg and back and this made me think, "He must've had the bodysuit for a few days now." I stopped to chat with Michael Ian Black from Stella who was sucking on what looked to be an ear like it was an orange. I guess the Classics kids stopped here before hitting the Heidelberg. I trudged through the snow (and confetti) and we ended up back at Ann's place.
(The following segment has been removed via the better judgement of BM as it would have definitely been wayyyyy too much)
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It looked like she had a glass vial in her hand and I asked to see her face. She shook her head and left the room. I stumbled into the living room where JR, Peter, Ann, and some of the Classics kids were trying to get the CD player to work. Bunny was eating a NerdsRope but I knew it probably was the spine of a small animal, possibly a ferrit, dipped in candy, as she has been known to partake in such delicacies.
I don't remember getting home, but on Sunday I had a hangover for the first time in 'who knows when'. I shook the remaining confetti from my winter coat and thought, "This weekend was alright."


From the Iceman Commeth
BM

The Next Cycle

Reviews:

Ive been trying to find the words to summarize the past weekend but I couldn't encapsulate it to just a few.  On Friday, after a grueling day of desk jockeying BM popped over and we went to eat dinner at Buddy's pizza (yum yum).  Herr Funk met us up there and then we shot over to the Plymouth Coffee Bean Co. to catch Elle And The Fonts.

It was a good set, very intimate, very jokey...a good time.  Plus, Elle's new rommate is smokin.  We didn't stick around to see the 2nd band, instead we went to Doyle's to get proper-fucked.  Tony and Melissa popped up and we drank pitchers from about 9-2:30.  Melissa stuck me with her wine bill (bitch).  Tony and I also ran into a shadow from our past named Athena who chilled with all of us for a bit as well.

The entire day Saturday was spent at my house playing video games and watching movies.  Then Tony came over and we headed to the dreaded Token Lounge.  3 out of 5 acts cancelled so that was a good start.  Cancelled acts:

Inkface & The Digital Dream

Toxic Shock Syndrome

Trixie Turner

BM was freakin out, plus the soundguy was being a cock over schedule times and everything else, so I was assigned mediator and facilitator.  After everythign was calmed, Tokyo Sexwhale

took the stage and had a really good set.  I spent most of the time they were playing in the green room drinking high life with bendido and athena.  Then I had to put on my makeup and it was time for our set.  We played very good set and had our shole ligh show set up.  Sexwhale joined us for our 2 closers.  After everything was said and done, the a-hole soundguy said hey everyone go ahead and play for another hour....so it turned into a giant conglomeration freakout jamsession.  After the music was done i promptly went to the bathroom and scrubbed the makeup off my face and then headed to the bar to get another high life when i ran into nadia.  her and i then had 2-3 shots of whiskey which led to awesomeness.  then tony, bm, and i drove drunk to zak's for some awesome fries to cap of the night.

On Sunday, we laid around my house all day and watched shitty movies (hellride, wizard of gore), its always sunny in philadelphia, and played video games till about 10pm.

Futures:

We were supposed to play this Sunday with Fashion

at the belmont, but they cancelled, so we cancelled also cuz the out of town band looked and sounded like shit.  So why go there and play for noone except a shitty out of town band.  We may play a show with Fashion in november at the painted lady......dependant on our schedules.  At the very end of October, we will have our Halloween Spectacular at Corktown Tavern.  Here's the flier:

We are also planning a DVD shoot with Sexwhale, which will consist of us holeing up with them for a few weekends and throwing parties, recording, and other hijinks.

Crap:

I woke up at about 4AM this morning with insomnia.  I listened to the following all the way through:

Deerhunter-Microcastles

Deerhunter-Flourescent Grey EP

Deerhunter-Weird Era Cont

Each Disc is great and can be downloaded for free via different Bittorrent sites.  I am slowly getting obsessed with this band and the rest of the bradford cox addendum.

Today, since it's been rainy as shit, ive been listening to the Interpol discography.  I think I may have to change it up soon.........

-Jr