A Definitive Ranking of Rob Zombie's Horror Classics

Typically in October I try to watch a spooky movie every night. Heck, I even did a review-a-day umpteen years ago. It was a laborious effort where I had to suffer through Malerman-level dreck......but I did it all for you. Did you care? Did I maybe sleep through the movie about a killer van and just phone in that one?

Fast forward to now. Over the past couple weeks/months I have somehow found a renewed interest in the macabre and found myself buying different movies by Rob Zombie on Prime bay bay. Which brings us to the definitive ranking. It is pretty common knowledge that I am an expert on all things up to and including movies.

7. 31
This is the worst of them all. Feels like it was trying a little too hard with the shock value of everything. A nazi midget, Malcom Mcdowell in a British wig, and Sherri Moon Zombi as the damsel in distress. Kinda shows what can happen when an untrained artist is left to their own devices out of the studio's watchful gaze.

Halloween
The first remake. Half of the movie was Hillbilly bullshit mixed with Michael Myers in a nuthouse. It's like the origin of Leatherface movie that came out. Who the fuck cares. The audience wants to see mayhem, not a broad brush stroke that makes you empathize with the psycho-killer, however, if done correctly can make the movie a classic (more on that later).

5. 3 From Hell
It sucks when one of your leads dies in the middle of filming and you have to re-cast and re-write the whole thing and still put something out. That's what happened with 3 From Hell. It went for a greatest hits of Devil's Rejects and has the same plot with the exception that they make it out alive in the end of this one. Still, it caps off the trilogy while leaving it open-ended. Did it need to be made? Probably not.

4. Lords of Salem
Zombie's ode to Kubrik. Great work in tension building with a complete mind-fuck of a payoff. Suffers a bit from too many forced in jump scares. This one is free on Prime right now bay-bay!

3. Halloween II
Now, this is more like it. A non-stop cat and mouse chase after the first 20 minute wasteful dream sequence. They had to re-cast young Michael Myers which sucked. The ego-manical Dr. Loomis was great.

2. The Devil's Rejects
Zombie's master-stroke. It's been all downhill from here. This is his best movie, but not my favorite. Psycho William Forsythe was great. Banj Sullivan was great. The anti-heroes he turns the Firefly clan into is so subtle. Then to end it like Easy Rider. This has it all.

1. House of 1000 Corpses
My personal favorite. The one that started it all. Still freaks me out. The whole Texas Chainsaw Massacre freak family in the woods that kill, rape, and freakify people is completely unnerving. Then, the whole payoff with Dr. Satan is crazy. I wish they would have brought back Grandpa in the future films.

So there you have it......definitive.

-jr

Covid Hits Home For Detroit

 From the National Affairs Desk-

"Let me say that I might have made a tactical error in not going to a physician for 20 years."- Warren Zevon

Metro here and let me say right off the bat that the headline for this post is a bit misleading. Covid has been part of our lives from Detroit to Portland Maine, or Portland Oregon for that matter, for a while now. This past weekend I received a few messages from Constant Readers asking me to touch on the closure of local landmark PJ's Lager House. The closure is temporary as one of the employees has tested positive for the virus. The Freep has a completely useless article where they basically say that local landmark PJ's Lager House is temporarily closed as one of its employees has tested positive for the virus. They then have a list of symptoms to tie everything up, move on, check that story off, Selah. By the way if you need a list of symptoms at this point for are a true Level 10 Waterhead. There is a tad more to this story than the lazy piece found in the Freep (I won't even include a link here. I basically just gave you the entire article). But, as always, its much more fun to slide down the surface of things and, well, start shit. So grab a drink at your favorite watering hole that isn't closed, sit back, and get scared; get pissed (This pic of me was before the Michigan lockdown, even before masks were "a thing", so I had to use a plastic bag at HQ which unnerved pretty much everybody when I started telling the staff that I knew what it was like to be dead. Oh, and 4 months no alcohol this Devil's Night).

Man, those were really fun days; the threat of something sinister, the underlying ripples of fear, the end of it all and the beginning of the next phase. If only we had known the serious potential of the virus back when the picture above was taken. That would be IN FUCKING JANUARY OF 2020! Jesus. Yes, back in January I posted a serious/arrogant photo blog where I appeared at bars, restaurants, movie theaters, grocery stores, and the fucking casino, all of which were affected by the virus and subsequent lockdown. This was January in the land of No Excuses. Months later everybody was in the shit with bars, restaurants, movie theaters, and casinos closed, all predicted right here. Of course, nobody gives a shit until you hit them where it hurts, the billfold. Once that happens, the blame game comes into play. Remember, Detroit Blames Everybody Harder (trademark pending). Anyway, back to October 2020.

This was posted by the Lager House this past weekend.

You might want to get tested. First off, I really feel for anybody who's livelihood has been hit by this Bug. That mostly is for the employees in the trenches. I've always had an aversion to management because of years of dealing with bullshit about the bottom line over employees. I understand that that's how you run most successful businesses, but that is why I do not have a successful business. This Lager update above is all covered in the fuck-all Freep article I'm not linking here. Actually that's pretty much the entire Freep article. What the Freep article doesn't touch on (because it would like take a minute of actual research) is that this is not the first scare that Lager House has had. Here are a few updates starting September 28th (the timeline for this incident starts the week of Sept. 21st):

Now while I am glad that this incident in September turned out to be nothing if everything presented is the truth, and there is no reason for it not to be, nor am I implying it isn't, but it is indeed scary that a few days after Incident #1 (Incident False Positive) another one pops right up. The whole current situation illustrates the near impossibility of running a safe, profitable business these days. The one line in the updates above that really stings is, "Please keep wearing your masks and distancing appropriately- it does work!". Then, days later, boom boom. Can the Lager House come out from under the shadow/stigma of being possibly unsafe and not worth the risk? That is the unfortunate reality in which we live. I imagine the first employee at AMC Theaters that blows over the virus limit will attach the same stigma to all theaters, and this is at a crucial time where businesses are trying to safely reopen. It really is looking like a no-win situation. Maybe Lager House had the right idea trying to sell it after that mystery fire a few years ago. Too much headache. You can support the employees (hopefully the employees) by buying Lager House. (Cracking up. I am editing now and I meant "Lager House merch". I'm leaving it as is, way funnier). Hopefully they include a complimentary "I survived Corktown 2020" face mask.

I think Lager House is handling this decently and hope all those ill recover to 100%. At least, they are not playing the blame game like the Blind Pig out in Ann Arbor. I came across this article (also this past weekend) where the co-owner Joe "Neckbeard Stereotype" Malcoun blames President Trump for everything while conveniently ignoring that Governor Whitmer is the one who halted businesses to begin with. I firmly believe that the open/close debate will never have a clear winner. Both options have pro's and con's, and that is a tightrope I would not want to walk. That's probably why Malcoun resorted to the blame game. Here are a few screencaps along with the article link.

He ends the piece with, "My only hope for my family and this business and my community is that Joe Biden wins this election." Oh, here's the Piggy LinkThis is a perfect segue to my next point: If Biden wins, and it is looking that way, I fear/predict that a lot of people will assume that everything is back to normal, status quo, in the world and let their guard down which will be a complete disaster. Then, they have the ready-made excuse that they inherited this epidemic from Trump. That's not a prediction, but a spoiler, and you read it here first. *Author's Note- The JCM has yet to endorse a candidate*

I did chuckle that they reopened in June and then cancelled all Fall shows due to low attendance. Hate to break it to you, but the Blind Pig was bleeding money when they were still doing shows, long before Covid was a twinkle in my Asian bass player's eye. Now they have a reason to play the blame game. Another prediction, not quite a spoiler, but I bet if (and a big IF) the Blind Pig starts to turn a profit again that Pig Malcoun will cash out and skip town, pulling an Anthony Morrow. I must stress that's just my opinion (those are still legal right?) and not a fact. I do like that the Youtube shill job has over a thousand dislikes already (those be people who won't be going there anymore) and the comments are turned off, the sign of a true coward. I'm not a business owner, just the best local journalist, but potentially alienating a chunk of your clientele, even in a Waterhead metropolis like Ann Arbor, is not optimal business practice. I see a lot of eating of "in the red" receipts in their future. The irony of being called The Blind Pig just made me gag on my pink lemonade and pork rinds. I have enough tubby jokes for miles and miles.

Back to the Mich. Governor, I have already touched on the kidnapping plot in earlier posts: Stupid, dumb, crazy, stupid, danger, fear, and in no way condoned here. However, allow me invoke "playground rules" and say that "One Term Whitmer" started it by using the very first post-plot presser to play the blame game. Of course it later came out that the plot was being, errrr, plotted before Trump's Proud Boys debate comment along with "Liberate Michigan" but who cares about that? Then it turned a full on playground brawl that is still continuing. See below

I'm a big boy and realize that to "86" probably means "get rid of" but some may misinterpret it as "to kill" which I'm sure was not the intention, but sometimes people can't unpack the message which takes us back to the kidnapping plot. Y'see the door swings both ways and words can be interpreted any way the receiver feels fit best. She also used the visual on her appearance on "Meet the Press". Perfectly legal to express one's views last I checked no matter how petty they may be, trust me on that one kiddo's! Oh and all together now, SEGUE!!!

Let's get out there and support local businesses in the safest way possible for them, others, and You. I don't know what way that it, and I guess it will be different for everyone. Plus its not my job. Oh, under the radar, UFO is open again after they got smashed by that construction crew last year. As of now there are no cases of any virus, of any type, which is good. I think I may have come across the reason why:

Good lord man, I still haven't taken that last hit of acid yet and I can't handle things like this, some wild creature who must have escaped from the Arrowhead Project to put a lid on, squash, all the heebee jeebies and sexual appetites from Detroit to Portland Maine, or Portland Oregon for that matter. I mean, the one on the left is a Maybe, but yikes, holy smokes, oh my, shit fire, fuck.

Stay tuned for the next post, the JCM Halloween Spectacular 2020 featuring a photo/vid barrage of spooky goodness from me, in costume as XXXXXXXX along with a few secret guests. Maybe we'll nozz-a-la that last hit of acid before the Day of the Dead after all. Either that or we'll pre drink at the Lager House wearing our masks and brand new merch. Welcome to the Night Train.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

The Good, the Bad, and the Media

 From The National Affairs Desk-

Prologue:

"Cally! Cally, Cally, Cally! Cally, where are you now, Cally?" Its hours before dawn and I'm dancing around the laptop wearing a Mexican serape, waving a LED lantern in a fit of laughter, hysterics, rage, and other forms of energy. I'm amusing myself with yet another example of a paid member of the media going off the rails, becoming a "my way or you're wrong," cliche; an insufferable bore. The writer this time is Brett "Cally" Callwood, former music writer for Detroit weekly "Metro Times" and current music writer for LA weekly, uhhhh, "LA Weekly", a seemingly lateral career movie though one can say LA is a larger market which translates to more eyes that wont read your shit. Brett is another in a long line of writers who let their audience dictate their ideas and writing, a total sellout. I have had three writing offers around here, one with a major sports site, and all went bust when they asked me to tone down my style. I said no and they can get anybody to flesh out a memo and tow the line and sacrifice identity for an editor. I never understood that my weird tone and style was what got my foot in the door, and then they wanted to strip it all away. Do I look like soon to be fired Metro Times editor Lee DeVito? I digress. Brett is like most media in 2020. Everything has to be politicized. Both sides do it from the loons at Fox News to the loons at, well, pretty much everywhere else. It has become such a frustrating bore. Back to Cally.

Callwood wrote/interviewed the JCM in 2014 for the Metro Times, our largest write-up to date. I think we were promoting our set at the Hamtramck Music Fest (RIP). It sure as hell wasn't an upcoming record ho ho ho. In typical fashion, I insisted the interview take place at JCM "HQ", a bikini bar with fish on the walls and drugs in the back office. I was suitably loaded and had the drinks put on the JCM expense account. The interview went well, nothing too positive, nothing too negative. It let the reader make up their mind. Perfect. The piece turned out well. Then, a few years later, when I was being attacked by various hate cliques, one of them posted the four year old MT article in an early example of cancel culture. Callwood actually came out and apologized and acted like he had zero idea we were shit talking, bully, shit starters for years. It broke my heart; never forgave him. Soon after, he was off to LA where these days feels the need to infuse every piece of his writing with personal rhetoric and politics. I can't stand that stuff and I see it everywhere and it is so so lazy, one big double standard shit show. Anyway, today made me think of that. Moving on to the Main Post.

The Double Standard Shit Show-

I see it everywhere and it is so so lazy, one big double standard shit show. At first glance you may think, "Oh boy, another far-right, Pro-Trump rant," but that is not the case. I barely mention Trump at all. It only looks skewed because what's the point of me posting about Trump's tax returns, or if he is/isn't Covid +, or, oh my, he made fun of somebody? There is no point because everyone from major media to your cousin in Montana has posted on it. Its like common knowledge, man. My timeline is flooded by it and every regurgitated post and meme is more and more diluted and lazy. People become desensitized by it and it loses its impact. That's why I was so excited when the New York Post ran with the exclusive on Hunter Biden's Big Ukrainian Adventure co-starring Joe. I was giddy when I woke up at 5pm and saw the links pouring in from my (anonymous) sources. I wasn't giddy because I wanted to see anybody fall on their face [although I did get a perverse grin seeing somebody who is constantly coddled by the media and political experts (celebrities ho ho) have to sweat a little bit]. I Was giddy because before I even started, my sources (The Honor Roll) and I shared a laugh predicting what the reaction would be: Ignoring it and remain focused on the dull Supreme Court Hearings, saying there was no proof or vetting, Trump was behind it all, or, gasp, actual censorship. It turns out that all four top guesses were correct, so predictable. I was excited because there was finally some dirt on Biden et al. We all know Trump is a crook, immune to Covid, has the power to cure Covid, and a sexual deviant who only preys on those looking to make a buck or sell a (ghostwritten) book. I had difficulty processing how somebody with this aura of likability (my #1 trait in choosing who I vote for) could possibly be, at best, a pawn, or, at worst, a filthy crook as well. Of course, that's assuming the Post's articles are true and the e-mail screenshots not photoshopped, ho ho. Ah fuck it, lets run with it. If its vetted and found false I will retract, redact, and apologize quicker than Cally to a militant black femme. For the record, I could care less about Big Trouble in Little Ukraine or crack pipes. Who cares? I had no problem with Mr. Bill hunting slash from Arkansas to the Oval Office. In fact, I think it helped him get elected. But I do have a problem with the media and an even bigger one with censorship. I get brain bubbles from living in an age where Eddie Murphy has to apologize for jokes he made in the 80's before he is allowed to host Saturday Night Live, and is rewarded for prostrating himself with an Emmy, an age where the host of the Emmy's pretends "The Man Show" never existed, an age where the best local Detroit blogger/journalist has to apologize because his writing cost some lazy pig a few, undocumented, days of work due to trauma. I'm flattered, but digress again; The Meat of the Matter.

This all started with a forgotten laptop, weird files, a small, but highly corrupt state called Delaware starring the Biden's, the Ukraine, lots of money, and culminating with an article in the New York Post. I will include headlines, major talking point screencaps for the waterhead Readers and a link, if I have it, for those wanting to y'know read instead of going in blind.

Here is the link For the Above.

The Post goes full-on scorched earth and ties personal business dealings taking place under the Obama administration's time/dime.

Full disclosure, I voted for Obama twice, but also was aware that he also benefitted from media coddling so the above article (Link Here) was a big no-no. All of this is a big, bad no-no, bad bad bad. Release the hounds, and as Kurtz would say, "Exterminate the brutes". Shortly after 9am some pencil pusher named Andy Stone had already had enough and totally had to make a statement, dammit.

Who the fuck is Andy Stone and who made him a media czar and me his bitch? Oh, here:

And, like a disease, the "We can't have this" Club is mobilized.

Keep in mind, that while leaning slightly right and prone to tabloid jest, the New York Post is one of the largest publications in the country and didn't get there overnight. The Post has been active longer than the New York Times (1801 vs. 1851). But don't take my word for it.

Right around the time Andy Stone was taking a stand the Biden camp closed down shop and put a "lid" on Wednesday's public coming's and going's, although whoever runs his official Twitter toasted a birthday wish to George Floyd and promised he would not become a hashtag, oops.

Here is the "Lid" article's Link.

Of course, you may say that they needed the time to respond to the Post article, which is totally cool. However, I have procured a calendar of all the times Biden has put a lid for the day. Here is September, the September before an election. We'll let the Saturdays slide.

The plot thickens, and Twitter's hole gets deeper with the following article/screencaps. Yeah, its public knowledge and unsurprising, and actually common. Remember, the guy from the Harold and Kumar movies was on Obama's staff. I didn't have an issue with that because he was qualified and knew his shit.

Here is the Twitter as job hunt Article.

Finally, Twitter says, "Ah, fuck it," and locks the New York Post's entire account. Yes, locks the account.

Even worse, there's this:

And then, after I inquired why the mass account lockdowns, this:

We have finally come to the point where someone at Twitter realized that all of the locks and unspoken (until today) rules was not that great a look. So here is their half-assed statement where they shrug off the actual content of the posts in favor of how it was acquired, a stance that was not enforced (to be fair) for any of Trump's multitude (to be fair) of allegations. Yes, I realize that each case is separate, unique, and different, well until it isn't. Here's their flakey response:

Also, to be fair once again, here is the initial response from the Biden camp posted, of all places, on the Fox News Site.

Here is the Link. To be fair, one last time, halfway through the article it turns a little backhanded as expected.

And so life goes on with the cancel culture nutcases. This time the expert savants are calling for a NBC boycott because they are showing Trump's town hall the same time as Biden's. Who the fuck cares? Last I checked, there is nothing wrong with counterprogramming. But nah, fuck 'em; Hashtag Boycott.

Keep in mind I unfortunately watched last week's SNL (the one with Jack White's embarrassingly disingenuous "tribute" to Eddie Van Halen) on fucking NBC and it was an hour and a half anti-Trump ad. Once again, double standards. NBC is good and funny, until they're not. Here is the Boycott Link.

I can rest easy now knowing that the vetting process of the laptop information has begun and I have spearheaded it. Here is the progress I have made on Snopes:

So, in conclusion, class, the media makes no effort anymore to be impartial, double standards are everywhere, and everything is a bummer. Thankfully, we have our priorities in order:

That is from a third grade lesson plan. It really doesn't have anything to do with this post so I just threw it in there. I will contact Snopes to verify this, along with obtaining a copy of Floyd's dissertation on "touching the world". That's all for today. I had to go undercover for much of my research, hence the opening pic along with this one of my brainwashed political advisor/fuck bunny, Tay Tay making cookies in the kitchen while I marinate a burger and an elk's heart in the War Room. 

Thanks for reading, and open your mind Quaid.

Author's Note-

I don't really like this piece. It is easily one of the worst of the recent stuff. It has no soul, no life, and devoid of humor and wit. I was energized compiling the information, but the final product just feels empty. I posted it because I put some work into it, but it just made me miserable. The George Floyd third grade part is just out of place and I just tossed it in there as a throwaway because I found it too absurd to be true. The highlight was eating the elk's heart steak and burger while Tay Tay baked cookies. Moving along...

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

Dr. Metro and the Fast Lane To Utopia

 *Note- This post was written before news broke that a bunch of militia goofs tried to kidnap, "try", and kill the governor of Michigan. While none of the post below has anything to do with that aside from a satirical jab at mandates and restrictions at the end, the writer, Metro, has been threatened with violence and even death by a bunch of militant psychos in the past (their demographic doesn't matter), and he can personally say it is not fun, a little scary, and ultimately sad. We at the Lavender Blog and North Central are relieved that everyone is safe. Now back to today's post.

"Breathes there the man, with soul so dead,

Who never to himself hath said,

'This is my own, my native land!"

Whose heart hath ne'er within him burn'd

As home his footsteps he hath turn'd."- Sir Walter Scott

"The woods are dead. You're not out of them yet. The woods are dead."- R.S. Jr.

Hey all, Metro here. I've been a busy bee, or should I say fly, the past few months. I had to get that out of the way first, the fly thing. This past Wednesday we saw the Vice Presidential debate between Stepford Pence and Black Femme Harris. It was uneventful and too close to call as an impartial viewer such as the Big Writer here. The most unique (I wouldn't even say memorable) moment was when the fly landed on the VP's head. I immediately contacted Vinnie at N.C.P. Outpost Yellow and had him create a Twitter account for the fly while I did the same on Facebook. I can proudly say that JCM did it first. "We'll be rich," I messaged him enthusiastically.

Then after the debate, my dreams were crushed when I saw that there were already hundreds of Debate Fly accounts. Add to that the responsibility of maintaining and updating the pages, I decided that within a matter of an hour the joke had already exhausted itself; gotten old. I'm writing this waiting for the sun to rise and people are still posting meme's about the fly, 99% of them unfunny. Sometimes the accelerated nature of the media can be a real killjoy (and cost me money). I bet some peter puffer from the SNL writing staff is online right now looking for a fly costume for the next episode in what will be a very unfunny sketch (Hey I'm wearing a fly costume!) that only my ex-faux wife would find humorous. Still, I can rest easy knowing that JCM was the first to hop on the trend and also the first to realize the expiration date had passed and abandon it. At least we earned about as much $$$ as the Dear Darkness record release show which ironically did not attract any flies, but a whole lot of crickets!

There still may be money in it for me as I have applied for a "Black Flies Matter" trademark for merchandising purpose$. Enough of that. Let's move on with some other topics, shall we?

     For those striving for a career in sports media, the NBA has been at the forefront of social justice messaging, with slogans on the court, jerseys, and shirts ("VOTE!"). Unrelated, the ratings for the NBA Finals 2020 are the lowest in history and that is with the face of the league, LeBron James, chasing Michael Jordan's ring total. One can say that there has been a steady ratings decline in all sports, but a 40% drop between last year and this year is Not steady. That is substantial, drastic. Commissioner Adam Silver said that next year will be a return to "normalcy" (his word) with social topics kept off the court, literally and figuratively. So sports fans reading, do you agree or disagree? Will this bring back fans looking for an escape, not a lecture? Will it turn even more fans away who see the change in direction as a betrayal and the past season as lip service, which it is/was? Did you know that at the start of the playoffs only 35% of players on playoff teams were actually registered to, y'know, vote? Digest. Discuss. Moving on.

     As you all know, Constant Readers and plaintiffs alike, I don't make any money from writing this entertainment site. However, I am in the process of creating a JCM Patreon account where you can view all the posts on Lavender, over 1000, from 2007 to 2020 for a reasonable fee. I am currently removing a few moldy apples from some posts and they should be up in time for Daddy's egg Nog. So you can either view them all for free here or pay me to view them there. Yes, I know it sounds like the stupidest fucking thing ever, but I actually stole this idea of making people pay for free/useless stuff. I will have the details up soon. This is tedious to set up so I can't imagine how tough it must be for Waterheads taking it seriously.

     Speaking of details, I got back my results from all that medical claptrap from the past few weeks. The liver is cancer free! I am not out of the woods yet and will have to monitor problem areas like pancreas, stomach, prostate, bile ducts, and sense of humor for the remainder of my life. I am feeling better mentally and physically and would like to say thank you to all those who sent positive energy. I love you Boom Boom.

     My no-selling of cancer (thus far) gave me an idea for a sociology experiment/future blog post: The Great Job Hunt! Being a freelance writer is the Tits, but I could always use some extra $$$. So I plan on flooding the job market with applications. It doesn't matter what it is. I'm overqualified for manual labor and most managerial positions so I would prefer to work from the National Affairs Desk or Sports Desk. The fun part is me boasting of my inevitable hiring right here. We all know I can get any job I want due to my advantage/blessing of being white, male, with a college degree, spotless criminal/driving records, and white. Plus I am hard working, loyal, witty, and a boost to morale. Who would you rather work with? Me, with my magnetic charisma whose only downside is an eye for the female interns, or somebody like Deastro Downer Chabot with the weekly sob story. The experiment part would be me posting the job information here and seeing how long until the cancel culture Waterheads hop on it. We can even set up odds and a betting board. Money money money!

     Finally, the past few months while ill and incapacitated, I have been working on a super secret project that my current employer, North Central Positronics, didn't even know about. I knew once my body started healing at a miraculous pace that the next step in my life journey was a "Go". This week I received word that I am now an officially ordained minister and a Doctor of Theology.

I have proof of course, but for now am leaving out the denomination so that it isn't ruined by some anonymous pussies before I can begin my ministry. I was raised Catholic through high school and that, along with me being white, male, a great orator, with scary charisma, and white, gave me a good foundation. The only tough part was constructing and submitting a dissertation. I have included excerpts of the dissertation below. They are edited as the full work was over 12 pages long, but it will be viewable via the JCM/Lavender Patreon. Here is the excerpt with most names changed:

The Cleansing of the Savagery Through Christ, My Words, and Music

Bryan Metro

Abstract- The purpose of this piece is to show how the power of one's voice, guided by the Lord, can help, heal, and eliminate, if needed, the amateur buffoonery found in most local music scenes. This power has been cultivated here in Detroit by the Big Time Writer and God Himself, a formidable tag team, and is ready to open its arms and your eyes for the great cleansing of mediocrity from our lives and the total commitment and embracing of the ideals of honesty, fairness, love, and the Fast Lane.

Acknowledgement- The Big Time Writer would like to thank the team at North Central Positronics for helping him to push the boulder to the top of the mountain (Golgatha?) and not letting it crush him. I am in your debt in Jesus: Sebastian Owl, Born Evil, Vinnie R., E First, and Kentucky Pete.

Methods- For over a decade I was the Lamb in sheep's clothing, frolicking with a who's who of local scenesters such as Jamey White, Putty Face Von Bondie, Bryan Allen, Gert Strobe, Tubde Oladipo, SJB, Marcie Magdalene, and TJ Wretch, the disappearing Devil in flesh. During this period I was accepted at first and then cast out, a leper, for observing and reporting the transgressions not seen since Sodom: Shorty Stevie Stone hitting on my tambourine player at her job with the intent of cloved foot troll children out of wedlock. Begone little demon! The lustful Lauren Joan and the unholy desire for multiple men, all the men, an ideal best left in Utah. The band of old men, Electric Six, whose sins of greed are unrivaled in these Wastelands. There are more. Many more, all on the wrong path, but a path that offers redemption.

Finding/Results- After being cast out and shunned by the hollow, elite, false idols, I looked at the local scene through the eyes of an observer, not a participant. Being blacklisted helped as well. My eyes and heart concluded that most of these fallen are stewing in an unholy marriage of failed dreams, has-beens, buffoons, false smiles, tepid generic music/art, unoriginal, and the worst sin of all, boring.

Discussion- After reviewing my research and writings I have found zero errors and no room for improvement. I came to the mountain, scaled the mountain, slayed the beast, and am now one with the Moon.

Conclusion- The local Detroit scene stinks as bad as Job after a bender at PJ's Lager House, and those wasting their time making records should look into a life with Jesus, or at least loan processing/graphic design.

References- North Central Positronics: Shadow media conglomerate with offices in Detroit, New York, Louisville, and the City of Lud.

Bill Holdship: Geezer who used to work for Metro Times until he (or his opinions) turned to dust. Used to be a somebody for nobodies.

Lee DeVito: Current editor at the now-floundering Metro Times. He who walks in the Field of Empty Promises.

Brett Callwood: Former music guy at Metro Times, now at LA Weekly. Fell into the trap of becoming too political, a real deranged Leftist, and alienating half his audience, setting an example of what not to do as a paid journalist. Don't be a puss. Alienate your entire audience, Chap.

     Whew, there's more, but you get the gist. So yeah, ordained minister and a Doctor. I can legally marry and do funerals in Michigan, among other states. I know Governor Sag Bags has restrictions on these things so come to me and my ministry. I know Covid is an issue these days so I am offering discounts for the mass wedding/grave thing, the "Tet Offensive Halloween Special". So, that's it for now. The sun is rising which means my day is done. Thanks for reading. Mahalo!

Author's Note- If you are really that much of a lost cause/Waterhead, the above is seeped in satire. While I may indeed find most of those referenced insufferable, I would never wish (or command given my new ordained powers) any malady on anyone, and hope that everyone has continued health for themselves and their loved ones. I may come across as mean, heartless, crass, a different kind of bird, but I really do have a heart full of soul. Trust me. The ordained minister/Doctor stuff is true though; paperwork being finalized. So if any of you feel like settling down (cogh Lauren Loan), you just come commala my way thunder thighs.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

Cucks In The Eyes of The Majestic

Un-bug-leivable!

Local? tangential size 12 by proxy, LJ, attempts to conflagrate Metro on Facebook over the mental masturbation of a bunch of local artists bonding to buy the majestic complex. In their next posts, they are asking/begging to borrow bikes/rides, murdering Trump, linking their cashme/paypal because it's our responsibility they can't support themselves.

GA, LJ's cuck, has taken to the saddest of Facebook livestreams in what can only be an attempt to cathart one's loss while linking a papypal to the 2 family members that applaud his efforts.

Josh Malerman made it big as a fright author. With that, he has become overwhelmingly abhorrent on Facebook. Everything and everyone is so up his ass.....it's almost as bad as the Third Man Goose Lake media blitz. However, Malerman's music career was even more successful the 98% of the Detroit Music Scene, as it was used in a Chevy commercial. Hell, even Jack White's manufactured band, The Brushoffs, couldn't even win that Detroit Tigers We Are The D Contest. I think they used "Corporation" by Jack White instead which is a whole other level of pre-Covid era irony in of itself.

Milo, convinced he is on the fast track to super-stardom has taken the leap to being a full-fledged novelist. It's a unending chapter by chapter run on blog called Ideas Adrift. It is a recounting of Milo's love affair with the waning Detroit Music Scene. In true Milo fashion, it makes use of every available adective in Merriam-Webster's Thesaurus.

Covid and Whitmer have pretty much abolished the infrastructure of the Detroit Music Scene. PJ's Bagel Hole is up for sale. The Majestic Complex is up for sale. The Magic Bag has a GoFundMe. So what are we subjugated to now? Paying for live streams? Electric Six sold tickets to one. Woodman is somehow having a 7'' release show right around the corner at Cadieux Cafe tonight. Are people going to stand 6ft apart in the feather bowling lanes? Will he screech with a mask on? Will Craig Brown and Jack White bring the leftover fireworks from 4th of July? Is it worth contracting a maybe-fatal disease to go to Cadieux tonight? Who knows but I doubt it will be a super-spreader event the likes of Sturgis.

In case you were wondering, Hip In Detroit now has a Threadless Shop, which has the laziest of designs. C'mon Sadie, you're supposed to be a marketing and internet megamind. Or maybe you can just call yourself whatever you want online and get other people to believe it while you jockey a cash register at a flower shop?

Picks for TakeOver this Sunday:
Balor over KOR but KOR loses due to a betrayal of Undisputed Era
Shirai over LeRae - also Shirai has the best entrance music of any NXT Superstar
Priest over Gargano - Priest looks like Top Dollar and Mario Van Peebles from Highlander mixed together
Escobar over Scott - the Cruiserweight are still a thing but I don't think 205 live is taped anymore????
Kushida over Velveteen "groomer" Dream - i can't believe Velveteen Dream, Jordan Devlin, and Austin Theory still have jobs with WWE over allegations of sexual misconduct...some with minors. It was only 2 years ago that they fired Enzo Amori over allegations of sexual assault that he later found innocent of, however, the guy seems like a complete fucking asshole and impossible to work with.

There you have it sheeple. A blast from the past? A sad retread, like 3 from Hell, probably. Anyways, at least I'm nicer than I used to be.

Born Evil

The Fat Meets the Fire in the Fast Lane

Forward-

Metro here. Thanks a lot Trump for testing positive for Covid, thus stealing the thunder of my post about the triumph of the human will and a body's refusal to die. One side effect of this bombshell announcement is the utter pollution of my social media feed; completely fascinating. Out of curiosity I went around some public sites like the Free Press, a few radio station pages, etc, and dear god, the comments were absolutely insane. I have to say it has never been blue or red here (Lavender, duhhh), but the past year has brought out the absolute worst in people, and I thought I set that standard years ago. I clicked on some of these comments from strangers and saw previous posts asking, begging for peace, love, equality, justice, health, climate change, and just 24 hours later, pure toxicity making them on the same level as Trump. And they don't even realize it, which is the scary part. One fat middle aged woman was ranting, almost cheering, and just yesterday she was horrified that the 17 year old Waterhead who shot somebody at Erebus' life was now over.....the....shooter's....life.....was....over. I could make an entire post with these people and their comments; with screencaps. It'll be a more depressing, postmodern version of a "dressed/undressed" tumblr page.

     I digress, back to the original post. The past few blog posts have referenced a mysterious, cryptic "medical procedure". This past Tuesday I finally had my appointment and can speak freely on it. Months ago, a tumor was discovered on my liver (go figure, huh?). A biopsy was in order and the Tumor Board decided that it would be best to just Nuke the Fucker while in there. I agreed. Why go in twice unless she's really nice, right? It ended up being the most extensive and interesting medical procedure of my life. Since I was drugged/asleep for most of it, I interviewed everyone afterwards for the real deal, the true story. This is it.

Oral Histories and Ablations-

McCleary (Real Estate Agent)- Over the past weekend I received an e-mail from a Bryan Metro claiming to be a local journalist working on an oral history of the Majestic Complex. He said that he had most of the information he needed except for the details regarding a sale of the property, along with asking price which my agency is handling.

Sebastian Owl (North Central Positronics Employee)- I was picked to be Metro's driver to the hospital and to take him home the next day. I arrived an hour early and he was already ready, wearing Christmas pajamas, a hoodie, moccasins, and socks with purple skulls on them. He had a Detroit Red Wings tote bag with medical papers, books, notebooks, Altoids, index cards, medicine, and the most ragged, worn-out pair of gym shorts I had ever seen. I had to check the bag to ensure there was nothing illegal in it. The only thing I took out was a bottle opener.

Bethany (Registration Desk/Radiology Department)- The patient arrived a half hour early, checked in, and sat with his back to the TV.

NaNook (Nurse Assistant)- I took Patient to the Prep Room and conducted the medical pre-screening. He thought it was the funniest thing to answer every question with "Not Yet". Heart disease, cancer, diabetes, smoking, stroke, all "Not Yet". The only question he answered differently was for Liver Disease, "No".

Sebastian- The nurse assistant came to get me and Metro's bag which was to be stored with him. They had the IV's in him already and he was waiting on "the Goodies". He had an index card in the tote bag with questions for the staff. All of the notes were serious except for the one asking if any of the on-the-clock nursing staff was on Pornhub which he asked me to scratch off.

Lynn (Anesthesiologist)- I was the anesthesiologist for Bryan's procedure. He started out answering my prelim questions with "not yet," but seemed to get tired of it, maybe a little bored. NaNook brought in his gown and blanket. When I got back I saw that his shirt said "Women's Wrestling Champion of the World".

Deb (Nurse's Assistant)- The patient seemed nervous because my allergies were bad that day and I kept sniffling. He told me that he used that line all the time and then asked his driver for an envelope from his bag.

Sebastian- I had a look at the drugs that were to be administered to Metro and noticed that one of them was in Michael Jackson's toxicology report. His reply was, "That's because I'm bad," a joke he stole from one of the Lethal Weapon movies. He then asks for an envelope I must have missed when searching his bag. All I could think was, "Oh no..."

Al (Intern)- I was the assigned intern for the patient's procedure. He seemed giddy when I pronounced his name correctly on the first try. Later, when Deb asked how he pronounced his name the patient said, "Ask him," while nodding at me. Don't ever let anyone tell you that Patient is racist.

Lynn- When I came back to the prep room Bryan gives me an envelope addressed to the hospital staff from The National Affairs Desk. When I asked him what it was he said it was a letter he wrote the night before and wanted it passed around the staff. He said that he figured we usually deal with rude complainers and sick people and he wanted to be different. I was worried but it also was a bit charming. I went to take my lunch.

(Blog Note: The transcription of the letter can be found in its entirety in the previous post or this link Here Here)

Sara (Anesthesia Assistant)- The patient asked Lynn for calming drugs before her lunch break and she left them for me to administer.

Sebastian- The drugs took effect almost immediately and Metro started to panic and rudely demanded I take notes of what he was thinking. At that point he had two IV's in him, probably his best meal in weeks, and could not move his writing arm. The notes were mostly boring things like, "Feeling chatty, eyes watering, and like looking through a transparent curtain". He concluded with a question and then got moody and stopped talking and the head anesthesiologist came back from her lunch and took him to the operating room and I went back to the waiting room and watched the trailer for "The Craft" reboot and then got distracted by

Lynn- On lunch, I read the letter in the envelope. It had Bryan's medical history, a list of ridiculous requests (beer from a local brewery like Atwater or Oktoberfest), and what to do if he died (film it). I had to share it with the staff and it became a running joke. When I got to the operating room I told him that Atwater might have an Oktoberfest and according to his chart, his birthday is October 3rd. I think he thought I was hitting on him.

Deb- The patient leaned over and whispered, "I think that girl is hitting on me." Dr. Schwartz then came in so it was time.

Lynn- Bryan asked me if he should try something like counting backwards while I administer the General Anesthesia. I told him he could count backwards, forward, or even speak French. This time I was hitting on him. Strangely enough, he actually started speaking in French. The only part I understood was, "My name is __________, pronounced 'Ro-Bear' (that part he said in English), and I am a writer free." Then he was out. I noticed he was holding an index card with questions on it and one was of a sexual nature that was poorly crossed off. Al took it and put it with the letter, laughing. The last thing Bryan ever said to me was, "Will I dream of electric sheep?" I didn't answer.

Dr. Schwartz (Head Surgeon)- I was the head surgeon for the patient's procedure. I made sure to have Type A Positive and a catheter for his bladder on hand due to the length of the procedure. Before Dr. Lynn administered the sedative I gave Patient an overview. After sedation we do a Cat Scan to verify and isolate the tumor so a guide can be used for an incision via Ultrasound. After the guide is established and saved, I make the incision and use a needle the size of a stick lighter to collect cells from the tumor (Biopsy 1), and then tissue from a normal area of the liver (Biopsies 2, 3, 4). We then heat the instrument and burn out the entire tumor (Ablation) along with some surrounding normal tissue. A second Cat Scan is then taken to ensure the entire tumor has been removed. Finally, the patient is taken to a recovery room and revived. The patient giggled when I mentioned the catheter and said he was a writer working on a script called "Piss Bag" while staring at Dr. Lynn. I believe he was hitting on her.

Sebastian- I was called back to the recovery room as Metro was waking up, no sad endings yet, and he was hacking because of the ventilator used during the operation and he was in one of his notorious, crabby, moods which was understandable, yet surprising because the catheter was not needed, although a third IV was inserted. I made sure to sneak the extra Type A blood into his Red Wings tote bag for him to chew on later during the Presidential debate.

Dr. Schwartz- I returned to check on the patient and tell him everything went well and that he didn't "croak and have to be resuscitated" as outlined in his note to the staff. I also joked, "There goes my book deal," also referenced in his letter. I decided to release him with a list of restrictions.

Sebastian- I couldn't believe it. He convinced them to let him leave that day. After 3 IV's, General Anesthesia, 4 biopsies, and a tumor removal. 

Evan (Orderly/Professional Surfer)- While removing Sai Metro's IV's I marvelled at the size of the needles used and turned to Welburn and said, "Dude, look at these things. Who did this guy piss off?"

Welburn (Orderly)- Evan was rambling about the IV's and I said, "Skinny guy, good veins, nothing I haven't seen before. The patient seemed to be flexing his muscles, posing. I was unimpressed.

Sebastian- Once the IV's were out and vital equipment removed, Metro jumps up, yelping in pain, and says, "We have to go. I've been discharged. I think they found the acid and my index card is missing. Security is probably a floor away by now," nothing I haven't heard before. He then tries to steal the hospital gown but it wouldn't fit in his tote bag so he grabs his paperwork and writes on an index card, "I'll see you in hell, China," leaves it on the bed, and we hijack a wheelchair and leave. I ask him what that was all about and he replied, "That was the last sentence of my final blog post in case I croaked in there. It was to be posted by you or -jr on the blog. The entire final post is in an envelope that no one will ever read now." Okay

William (Kroger Customer)- This guy wanders in and starts pretending to have a fit and imaginary kick people in the produce section. He then tried to steal a beer ad cardboard display before giving up and buying a steak.

Sebastian- After the hospital, Metro has me take him to multiple party stores, Kroger, and Speedway for an Icee. Of course, he had no money.

Andy (Speedway Gas Cashier)- The Big Time Writer comes in and causes a scene at the slushie machine, yelling at a family. He finally has one of his assistants buy a slush and lottery tickets while complaining that the customer in front of him was too young to have varicose veins. His assistant put everything on the North Central expense account.

-jr (Founder of North Central Positronics)- My only regret is not sending Metro graphic, disturbing images the day of his operation to unhinge him even more.

Vinnie (Co-Founder of JCM)- Metro messaged that night and we chatted about the debate, the media, Bella Thorne, and basketball.

E First (Tambourine Player for JCM/Bad Influence)- I was the first person to message Metro to congratulate him on the successful operation. Which is a pretty big deal, so I got that going for me.

Kentucky Pete (President of the JCM and Ghost fan clubs)- I was praying for him the whole way.

Melissa (Metro was Best Man at the Wedding)-                                                                                                                                                                                                                

McCleary- I received a follow up e-mail around 3 in the morning explaining the hospital stay and that the Journalist will be in contact for a phone interview soon regarding the Majestic Complex.

Sebastian- Before dropping Metro off I looked at his discharge papers and saw that he managed to violate half of his restrictions within a half hour. He got out of the car without saying anything, then stopped and turned back. "I think one of the nurses had a mastectomy." I asked him how and why he would know that and he replied, "Don't worry about it."

Afterword-

Metro here again. The majority of the timeline here did actually happen. A few bits were added, but does it matter? One thing I will confirm as 100% true is I did have three IV's, four biopsies, two Cat Scans, an Ultrasound, General Anesthesia, a breathing tube, and a tumor ablation at the hospital and was home the same day. The Anesthesiologist really did suggest having an Oktoberfest on my birthday, Saturday. I checked and Atwater does have a seasonal Oktoberfest called Bloktoberfest which means she knew this or took the time to look it up. I'm not saying this to be a Super Secret Tough Guy, but as an example that you can accomplish anything you put your mind to with the correct amount of lying to the Professionals. Oh, and I AM a Big Time Writer. The staff said that I may experience nausea for a while after the operation and boy they weren't wrong. As soon as I get home I see this same old "Detroit Sucks Harder" from relics from the past, this one regarding "chipping in" and buying the Majestic Complex and making it an artist collective. Bwahahahahahaha. Coming from a demographic always asking to borrow a bike, one step ahead of train kids. Maybe Sheefy can do a mural!

Of course I couldn't resist commenting along with Arthur here (former alias, current North Central intern).

Then local scenester blob Lisa Joan pops up with the same tired retorts.

I don't even think I've ever said anything bad about her, and I definitely deserve kudos for not posting the failed foray into the Suicide Girls fad, the vintage Queen Kwong treatment. But seeing the same cast of characters from years ago still floating around with dreams of...something made me feel a little nostalgic. Detroit, and all its tumors, will always have a place in my heart. The test results come back next week. Grab your pitchforks and popcorn. Who knows?

From the Iceman Commeth,

Bryan Metro