The Two Fanged Monster Murders Fat City

 From the National Affairs Desk-

*Update- The Pennsylvania postal worker turned whistleblower regarding backdated ballots has Recanted his story. This after willing to testify under oath and getting over $100k from GoFundMe. The Washington Post broke the story but are requiring membership to read the full piece. Here is the gist of it, free to the Constant Readers. Basically he took back everything he said. Anything he said will no longer be able to be used in any lawsuit. GoFundMe needs to shut down the page and refund everybody who donated, and if he withdrew any money he needs to pay it back. He will also face charges of his own. You know how I feel about fraudulent GoFundMe's so this pisses me off. Here are the caps. 

*Update for the Update- The Penn. postal worker is now saying he did not recant. Hold the phone, the plot thickens. Only time will tell if it is a grave plot.

Lulz....

Hey all, Metro here, and like everybody else I am totally burnt out on the 2020 election, and politics in general. It was tense, entertaining, nauseating, looooong, newsworthy, and most importantly, fun. In fact it may have been too much fun even for the Too Much Fun Club. Well, not quite. There is never too much fun for "The Club", and unlike "The Squad", the Too Much Fun Club is diverse in both physical manifestation and ideals: left, right, white, Asian, male, female, Indian, Waterhead. The only unchecked box is African American, but not for a lack of trying. Well, we did let Sheefy perform with us a few times, gave him his big break, so let's check that off too. As for almost too much fun, it did come pretty close. Political correspondent Vinnie Rawsonville and his fam had to quarantine after a co-worker tested positive for The Bug. Thankfully, Vinnie is immune and oozes antibodies.

Party Monster/tambourinist E First is currently in quarantine until at least Wednesday awaiting test results (Covid) after New Orleans. Thankfully, the Doctors (!!!) did not take her phone.

As for myself, by now you know I hit about five polling locations in Wayne, Oakland, and Macomb counties to do my election day photo coverage, and now one of the city hall's, along with adjacent police department and court are under lockdown due to a severe outbreak, with the Mayor saying that there are more positive tests than at any time since the pandemic was declared back in March. I haven't been called a Super Spreader since college and don't plan on starting again now.

Oh, and for the Waterhead anon commenter from the last post, E First and myself are not the same person, nor do I get the pics from a public dropbox. She has been in the band since 2010. Though if we ever had a kid the gender reveal party would be Epic.

Oh, speaking of me, I am finally back on Twitter. I gave up trying to overturn my suspension so I just started a new one under Lavender Blog. You can follow it, and follow me, at this link: Lavender Blog. Or don't; like I give a fuck. It took Jimmy Doom five minutes to block me. Speaking of that artifact (Jimmy, not Alex), Alex Trebek of Jeopardy fame passed away this weekend. Can someone call in a wellness check on Jimmy D.? On to more tidbits...

The JCM has a new member in the family. Coming back from the store, I saw this fellow on the side of the road. Of course, I had to scoop it up and it now permanently resides at the JCMsTown Compound.

The main problem is that it does not have a name yet. We decided that its gender preference is Tran so we can check off the Tran box on our JCM all-inclusive list, thus I will continue to refer to the fake corpse as "It". That's the political correct pronoun right? I have no clue. I am thinking of having a contest to decide its name. The last time I had such a contest was to name my camper in Lincoln Park which used to be the HQ of the National Affairs Desk. Had a party and a board where everybody could nominate a name and then everybody voted on it. The name that ended up winning was a truly horrific slur that nobody at the party (mostly left-leaning friends of the Ex) had any idea what it meant. It just sounded funny to them. As the votes were being counted somebody said, "Please tell me this isn't happening", and no, it was not my nominee. No, I will not repeat it here. But feel free to give your suggestions for the corpse's name in the comments section below.

Also I am pleased to announce/tease the last JCM project of 2020, "Once Upon A Time In Fat City". I will have details up soon, but can say it will include one of a kind art, costumes, and, as always, will benefit animal charities. Look for it once the Too Much Fun Club is cleared of Covid.

*Update!- E First has officially been cleared of Covid.

Finally, give me a few paragraphs to shed myself of the "Metro" character (he is, has been, forever will be satire), and give my final thoughts on election season so we can put it to bed, at least on the Lavender Blog.

     First off, allow me to congratulate the winner of the Big Dance, Joe Biden. Some at Lavender voted for him and some did not. It doesn't matter because that's the beauty of being the most inclusive blog in town. As Mr. President-Elect said in his speech, it is now time to move forward and unify as a nation (or something like that). I am all for that, totally on board! Who wouldn't be? Don't answer that. I owe the Constant Readers a follow-up to my earlier ballot fraud post where I had three examples of dead people, or their names, returning ballots. I contacted four Clerks, the Secretary of State Office, local TV, among others. I received not one reply. Not even a "Debunked, fuck off". I have over 1,300 other names in Wayne County alone but if they don't care, and you don't care, then I don't care. Keep rollin' rollin' rollin'. I don't get paid for this anyway. Allow me to quickly debunk a theory I have seen from several right wing pundits: That so many people voted to keep a Senate majority and add to the House, but Biden got more votes for President. They're all on the same ballot. This is a flawed argument. Let's assume that not everybody voted straight ticket and actually looked at each race. We all know that didn't happen. The painfully obvious reason is that a large amount of Biden voters fell into the "Anybody but Trump" camp and only voted for the Presidential election and bypassed the other races. This is what I termed the "American Idol" voter back in 2008 where everybody voted because it was the In thing to do, just voted for president, and then called it a day. Based on my small sample observations on Election Day, Biden voters were very passionate about Biden (and Gary Peters to some degree), but Trump voters were not just passionate about Trump, but passionate across the board. This would explain why the right did well in the Senate and House without resorting to using the voter fraud crutch.

     Back to the real world. This is a very interesting time for both major parties. The old guard is losing hold and the young bucks are superkicking their way past them. Both fringes used the Republican and Democrat "brand" to get their foot in the door. Its worth noting that the only major player of the old guard left standing after all this is the eventual winner, Joe Biden. Say what you will about Trump, and you most likely have and will continue to, but he is not a traditional politician in the kissing babies sense. Talk about a stereotype that is out of date. It has been replaced by kissing porn stars and sniffing babies. That is why the Republican guard was horrified at his nomination in 2016, but also why so many people voted for him. Under Trump, the Republican party went back to what they used to be; conservatives with backbone. Since, Reagan, they've done nothing but walk the party line while being too afraid to ruffle the feathers of the other side. That's why they ended up with McCain and Romney, and that is why Sarah Palin's popularity, shocking and ripe for satire at the time, foreshadowed Donald Trump.

     The fringe Democrats are taking a different approach. They're pushing a more radical, progressive agenda that the old Dem's are uncomfortable with. Get with us or get out of the way. There is inner turmoil in both parties, but it is just coming from different places with the irony being both party fringes share very similar, in your face, methods. The real fun starts when both of these fringe elements finally have control of their respective parties. I'd say the Republicans are close to already being there with Trump winning in 2016. With Trump gone it will be interesting to see if they go back to the status quo. On the Democratic side, it will be interesting to see if Biden is able to keep the fringe in check. He is the old guard, after all. If Biden "holds fort" and balances the traditional Dem's with the Progressives then it would be good for everyone. My prediction is that it won't happen and the new guard doubles down on the "we want it all and we want it now" mentality. That's the Bernie base, but he's too old, and that base is the future as the old heads die off. How long until you have some Democrats trying to push out Pelosi and Schumer? Its not that absurd an idea. Its just days after the election and I am already seeing it with multiple "experts" saying that Biden needs to fall in line with who elected him. The humorous part is that there is already infighting in the voting base as to who can claim they tipped the election for Biden along with AOC attacking the Lincoln Project for money (isn't it always money? Well money and power), making the L.P. camp feel like the guy who had too much to drink at the bar the night before and woke up next to Lizzo...uh oh, I feel Metro creeping back. I can't fight it. Its like the curse of the Wolf Man. I tried, and for a few hundred words I gave you the best political essay you will see in Any local publication, one that did not take sides or allow personal bias to bleed over. That is unheard of. But all good things...

Hey all, Metro back. Whew, that other guy was a real know it all, killjoy. Anyway, I guess Biden won after all. What really gets under my skin is that despite him winning everybody's joy seems hollow because they are still fucking whining about Trump. Generation Wuss is now Generation Give Me More Now. And the real sad part is that Trump is still on everyone's mind. This is even after the Biden unity speech. What miserable lives these people must lead. I mean look at Ann Arbor this past Sunday. Back to protesting the police and crowding people just trying to have dinner, people that most likely voted for Biden. Now they have to throw their fists in the air or risk harassment by some fat ass with a bullhorn.

Its fucking Sunday. Night. Biden isn't even sworn in. What the fuck do these mutants want aside from attention? And what do they do with the cell phone videos nearly every one is taking? Swap them? Jack off to them? These are the same people who were crying and wetting their pants at the fear of "Proud Boys" or rejected ballot watchers destroying the city or your neighborhoods. How many violent incidents were there? Not too many or else you'd be seeing it plastered everywhere. Yes, there were arrests. Good! But is TCF/Cobo on fire like so many "harassed" ballot counters feared? Nope, so finish the job you signed up for, cash your $600 check and take a hike.  Let me guess, "But this, but that, because, but, but, Trump, but...," just more of the boring Blame Game. But (allow me at least one), nothing happened. I said from the get-go that most "Proud Boys" are just glorified cosplayers. Oh wait, we're beyond "But" now. Now its "Yet". I guarantee that if one, just one, nutcase had a gun go off, even by accident (yes that does happen; look at all the dead kids in the news), the internet would be on fire. Instead, its lame "You're fired" jokes, unoriginal meme's that the poster didn't even create, cloying testimonials of hope peppered with more complaints. So very very boring. Then there is this bullshit that just feeds conspiracy nutso's. One is from October 23rd and the next is from today, November 9th. Sigh...

And if any of you small business owners or city employees need an excuse to ignore every fucking suggestion from scientists and "experts", you know the same thing Trump was blasted for, here is a ready-made excuse for you. I even wrapped it in a bow.

But hey, as I said earlier, if you don't care, then I don't care. At least it is finally over. Or maybe just the beginning. Let the Age of Being Rewarded For Being a Complete Fuck Up commence. Fuck it. That's it. Name the corpse. Watch for the "Fat City" project. Buy the ticket, take the ride. Thanks for reading. Eat shot.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

Election 2020- Better Living Through Chemistry

"Biden is already increasing job loss. Alec Baldwin is out of work."

"This is a 6 Ativan night."

"Never underestimate the need to fill one's life with boogeymen. If they don't exist, they will be created."

- Members of the Too Much Fun Club

From the National Affairs Desk-

Whew... well Constant Readers, the 2020 election is finally "over". Well, technically, as I write this, it isn't, but it pretty much is. I woke up on November 3rd not intending to cover it, intending the Halloween post (the largest single day readership of 2020; thank you) to be my last post. After thinking about it, and receiving a few messages encouraging it, I decided to grab some extra poster boards and see what was going on. So the following post is really two parts, the first being the Too Much Fun Club covering/reporting their Election Day experiences, and part two is a litany of screencaps of possible shenanigans and probable ineptitude. These were provided by multiple street teamsters and I tried to cover both sides. My only requirement was verified social media accounts and non-fringe websites. Let's just say the National Affairs Desk was open all night. It perfectly encapsulates the tenor of the election when I am still awake working/outlining and the Waterheads counting the ballots quit for the night/morning. Because, y'know, nobody knew voting closed on November 3rd. "Totally came outta nowhere. Whoa, record numbers? I had no clue; totally left field!" I am all for counting every vote as long as its fair (and organized), who wouldn't (don't answer that),but the only consistent thing I saw was the level of ineptitude displayed in some of the states/counties. Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start with the fun stuff, the Too Much Fun Club on the street. The rest of this post is mostly pictures so anybody who can't read or was educated in Wayne County, MI, USA should have no problem! And before you start griping, my entire education was in Wayne County. Elementary- Detroit, High School- Dearborn Heights, College- Detroit, and Post College- Best Local Journalist. If anything, I helped raise the median.

Election Day began with the Too Much Fun Club swirling in the four winds: Metro at the National Affairs Desk, -jr in [Redacted], Vinnie in the suburbs, and Elizabeth First still in New Orleans, all of us ready to go. E First checks in from breakfast. Some guy followed her into the cafe and she paid for his breakfast.

Biden had yet to win but his aura is already paying dividends. After making sure she was not abducted or raped, I got my gear together to stomp the terra. She was a-ok and relief washed over me and I realized that even though she is a white female, she was also not in Hamtramck, MI. Whew, bullet dodged (no pun intended). My first order of business was to head to a random polling location. On the way I passed a house that was passionately Pro-Biden. It was the only passionate Biden supporter I saw for the next four hours. That is not fiction.

I recycled my "Fuck" sign from the Dirt People Car Wash (see one of the previous posts), and that was enough for the cops to come. Ooops, time to do a quick, non-partisan, exit.

Before I continue, this was also included on the lawn. If anything, they really put some energy in it.

Let me do a quick commentary starting with this. It is awful they lost a family member to Covid. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Just awful. However, if you think about it, right there on the surface is something I see everywhere: The Blame Game. I assume the deceased was a functioning adult. The Covid thing can come from anywhere and he could have got it from some idiot who had it, a total doofus stranger, who spread it. That's most likely. Or, he could have willingly attended a social gathering and stayed despite some people not wearing masks. Less likely, but possible. The thing is, there's no context, so we don't know. I know that grief triggers many things, one of which is the search for answers sometimes leading to blame. That being said, I feel awful for the family. Why did I even bring this up? I'll probably end up removing it from the post. Chalk it up to being sick again and in a bad mood. Sticking with me, I spent the bulk of 2020 in constant pain and eventually had surgery on my liver. Did I ever once blame anybody? Nope. It was my fucking fault after years of too much fun. Still, I took care of it and haven't had an alcoholic drink in four months. Is it because I have to? Nope. I got the go-ahead from the Doctor (stand down E First) the day of my surgery that I could drink on my birthday, days later. Of course, they didn't recommend it (well, the anesthesiologist sort of did), and I didn't. By choice (that's still legal right? Don't answer that). Now if I decide to have the six pack of Oktoberfest that I am owed (ho ho ho) after finishing this post it will be because of me, my call, me only, and that applies to everything. Of course I could say I deserve it, or owed it (ho ho), or need it after seeing all the idiots on social media and their hatefully, ill-informed comments, or I missed out on my birthday, and Halloween, and Election Day, or because I miss my friends, boo hoo. But I won't because that would be blaming everything but myself, and for decades past and months to come, the buck stops here. Spoken like a true Catholic. Rant over, and again, I don't know where or why it came from, and I'll probably go back and remove it. Its not really in my voice, not satirical, and sort of heartless. Let's leave this toxic crap behind, shall we.

While at the polling location I did some quick shots with some new signs and some recycled ones. See, Biden isn't even sworn in yet and the environment is already healing as quickly as my liver. I predict a treacherous winter.

I got bored pretty quick and switched into making people uncomfortable/confused mode. Cars slowed as they saw the "NRA For Biden" sign.

Most couldn't process (no pun intended) the "Wall St. for Black Votes Matter" hack job sign while dressed as a scruffy Patrick Bateman.

And of course, not a single person knew what to make of the Notorious Blank Sign.

My masterstroke was the "Addicts For Hunter B." in front of a school, looking like a train kid with a budget (ie: $1).

As this shot was being framed ("Get the sign and the school, dammit") there was a truck blasting "Proud to be an American" on loop except it wasn't a loop. The guy had to physically go and restart the song after it ended. As I was leaving I got a call from E First who was now in a costume shop, also with her blank sign (twinning).

For some reason, she had purchased a "Hateful Eight"-esque parka/coat from a vintage store. Don't worry, wasn't Lager House. Next up I was off to City Hall where I spent most of my time creeping around a parking structure, the blank sign my only protection.

There was a quick costume change into my inclusive LGBTQ disguise where I took a few pics near a Trump truck. Totally destroyed him. That'll show them, ha ha!

I'm totally kidding about the last one. Its LGBTQ, not LGBTQFA (Fat Ass). The city hall staff had noticed me at this point. I believe the quote was, "What the hell is going on there? Do you see that?" That?? That?? Excuse me you neanderthal, but I have feelings. I swing back around sans disguise/way of life, and took this poetic shot in a moment of quiet. It has nothing to do with the election, but I do like it.

On the way to the next location I get another message from E First. She was now drinking and having complete strangers hold up the blank sign.

After verifying she was not abducted or raped, I stopped at my last polling location. I anticipated a contested election so I came with a ready-made excuse.

In the parking lot there was this going on.

In the second pic the little man looked like he had just come from a bar fight muttering, "Where do I sign?" For the record, in the five minutes I observed, everyone I saw was more passionate about signing this petition than voting.

For the record (once again), I did not sign it. I am not a resident in that city. Would I have if I was? Who knows? On a side note, Vinnie checked in from a west suburb and said the line for their recall pop-up was longer than the one to vote. In the south, E First was now drunk and meeting the people. Now that's how you do an exit poll.

On the downside, I now want her Covid tested before the JCM Thanksgiving BBQ Death Race.

I raced back home and plopped at the Sports Desk with my non-alcoholic, no blame game, fake beer and started to write, edit, and wait for the results. -jr checked in from the lake house. Drunk.

Vinnie checked in from a basement, already sending verified data and facts for Part Two. Also drunk.

And E First returned to her room and ordered a drink to watch the fun.

It is here where my same day coverage ends and the fuckery begins with the tweets, drama, ineptitude (Wayne County holla), and other info that will soon be lost to the ages. Oh, and E First held a baby gator named "Lil Boy". It has nothing to do with the election but I like baby gators.

Now pay attention, the next part flows quick...

Actually, even before I went out to the polling locations I was already receiving messages about election follies. I had to create a "Fraud" folder to keep track of them...

After looking into the posters here they do "lean" on the Trump side even though they meet the verified account criteria. These were received before I went out so I didn't verify them, just saved them. You know, like a true real journalist does. This next one actually made the tv news. Whoa!

To be fair, bullshit knows no party lines so here is the Flint Robocall scam. Of course, this was all over the local media. Of course. If you fall for that, you should not be allowed to vote.

The next one's really pissed me off. On November 3rd the MI Health Department downgraded the new restaurant/bar rules to "recommendations".

Last week "rules" were laid down to begin November 2nd that all restaurants and bars have to take names and phone numbers for contact tracing. Now, I am all for contact tracing. I'm the kind of guy who likes to know who's digging his grave. This rule was met with universal hate, from both businesses and patrons. And fuck off with that "Well you do it for carry out" shit. On November 3rd (after voting had begun) the rule quietly became a recommendation. Somebody please tell me what the fuck happened between the 2nd and the 3rd (Don't answer that). Was it because businesses were given ZERO direction on how/what to do? Zero direction. I spoke with numerous people in the service industry and they all were in the dark. And don't say the rules were relaxed because of people complaining. People have been complaining about the roads for decades. Hell, Governor Recall based her entire campaign around fixing the damn roads before she was gifted with the pandemic to smoke screen the fact she had no real plan. You know, like the one day restaurant rule. 24 fucking hours. What changed? Nobody find that funny? Who cares.

I needed sleep, but not before I saw that there was a hubbub at TCF/Cobo with ballot challengers. This was around 3am, give or take. And look who pops up from the ether; failed musician, writer, actor, bartender, and successful dumbass, Jimmy Doom. Nobody has cared about this geezer for years, or since I stopped writing about him. Anyway, he's off to the rescue ho ho ho.

You know what he did? Took a pic outside Cobo, said he would give updates, and left. Oh, and he said they knew who he was. Ummm, I highly doubt that. God, that fucker is insufferable. It takes a true talent to get fired from Kelly's in Hamtramck for annoying the staff and patrons along with refusing to turn off Jeopardy. Funny story. Vinnie was in Kelly's one time and Jimmy was watching a rerun of Jeopardy and calling out the answers to nobody who cared. For old times sake, fuck Jimmy Doom. And if you think that's a "mob-scene TCF pusses, just wait a minute. Alas, I needed rest so

Jump cut to the next (same) morning. The election still has yet to be called, but nearly a lock for Harris/Biden. Of course I wake to more weird scenes from Vinnie.

I am totally not surprised. The last one has been debunked as of this writing, although I haven't verified the specific ward numbers yet. I am also not surprised that the paragon of competence, Michigan public officials, can't even maintain their own website. These were snapped within seconds of each other.

And don't say it was because they were focused on getting the ballots counted so fuck right off with that. And yes I see that the SOS site has 10 minute updates. Nobody more than me wants this to be over. No joke. Sticking with the local angle, at one point the city clerk had no idea what the status of outstanding ballots was.

Hopefully, with Biden in office, the standards of public officials will, oh Jesus, just stop already. Need a drink. Need to blame. Need a drink. Blame. Blame. Blame.

Being the best local journalist I did find the reason for the hold up. Took me five minutes. You're welcome.

One other annoyance is seeing stuff like this.

Your guy won. Sweet. Be happy. But no, the unfunny jokes continue. And yes, if Trump had won his supporters would be doing the same, probably even more/worse, just posting petty Pro-Trump comments like losers while the rest of us were out living life, looting a Dunham's or Game Stop. I'd hate for everyone to go full humorless poof like Brett Callwood or even worse, a Doctor (E First, stand by). Nobody can take a joke anymore. Most comments are usually deleted. Lookie at the Progressive Thought Police here. By the way, the cap above is a joke if you didn't get it. Anyway, that's it. I'm still getting notifications as the sun goes down, but its all but over. Back to the boring status quo. My biggest concern is for all of you out there. It may take a few days before you realize it, but it will hit you, hit you hard, one day while looking in the mirror or Instagram and you say, "Oh Jesus, now what do I have to complain about or blame?"  Not a prediction, but a spoiler. The sad thing is it'll only take a minute to figure something out. Sadly, also not a prediction, but a spoiler. And just as I finished typing that I see this.

What the fuck is wrong with people? How can anybody apologize or justify that? Fucking mutants. They make the Burger King guy look sane.

That's it. I'm out. Have fun and be safe. I really mean it. Trust me, all work and no play and all that...

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

The Honor Roll/Too Much Fun Club-

-jr- Heyyyyy Chabot!

Vinnie- For the verified links; the gifts that keep on giving.

E First- For the photos, New Orleans coverage, and sense of danger/adventure.

Sebastian Owl- For the photos and steak. Steak, Meat Shack Jeff Fournier Level Steak.