From the National Affairs Desk-
Hey all, Metro here, and to cut to the chase and be completely honest, the first part of my 2022 Hamtramck Music Fest (HMF) preview was a bomb. It had roughly, not even 25%, of the hits of the AEW wrestling/Cucumber suck-off post, and only 10% of the hits that the JCM Final Show at the New Dodge posts got. This proves multiple things. Maybe the previews have gotten old, but you can't blame me. I can't help it if it's the same bands playing every year, and for the newer bands, they have yet to realize that a Facebook event page doesn't really count as any type of promotion. Or maybe it's just because Metro, the JCM, and the cast of characters in the Too Much Fun Club actually draw after all these years. Let's roll with that. I see you right now sitting on the phone or laptop, in the afternoon (ouch), living vicariously through the Gonzo exploits of Metro, Kentucky Pete, E First, -jr, Wang, JCM Accountant Sebastian Owl, among others. I don't mean that as a knock. It's good. Soak it in. Get inspired. I'm already on a tangent, okay. The HMF Part 1 Prevue:
In the years past, the format for these previews was that I would take each act and randomly pick a song or video, consume as much as tolerable and then give a two to three sentence review or recommendation. I can't do that this year. I've gotten old and bored with it all. Plus Part Zero drew horrible numbers. The JCM/New Dodge posts blew it out of the water so maybe....people just don't care anymore about these Fests.
So for 2022, we are using a new format. I will look at an act's name and if I have any type of knowledge, a memory, or story comes to mind, then I will post that. If I am not familiar, I will search for a pic because the best way to judge the quality of an act is by the way they look (and if they have any Hardbodies). Sorry, I won't be posting any nudes this year even if they're out there. We are in the age of No More Fun. (Venmo/Paypal if interested). As always, this site is for entertainment/satire purposes, but hope you look up some of these jobbers on your own if my take catches your eye. Keep in mind that this preview will be the most press some of these people get in their entire lives. Deal with it. Rock and roll.
HMF 2022 Preview A-D
1magine- Oh boy, we're starting off with a bang. This is the jabroni who tried to cancel/protest/ruin the lives of people at the New Dodge (which is listed as a HMF venue btw). This goofball held a protest, but get this. He was the Only One Who Showed Up!!
For future reference Einstein, it doesn't help when you try to get people to show up for a protest (and the deleted posts show, you did try), and then show up on a day the venue is closed. What a doofus. If he had any integrity (let's be real) he should protest HMF because the New Dodge is included. Or maybe protest the New Dodge during the fest. I mean JCM protested before our actual last show and we had no idea what we were even protesting. If HamFest had any balls (let's be real here) they should book him to play at the New Dodge. If New Dodge's new owners were smart they would tell HMF to go fuck themselves because it is proven that venues actually lose money hosting the Fest. We are off to a great start and it is only downhill from here.
75 Days of Sun- State Fair band but probably nice people.
Act Casual- They have over 4k Facebook followers. The Vegas over/under on how many of them will be there is set at 9. Take the under before the odds shift!!!
Adam Cuthbert- No clue. Wonder if he knows where the money's going?
Adynation- Couldn't find anything of substance. Could be that whoever did the HMF flyer screwed up the spelling of the name which is a high possibility. "Adynation" sounds like something the tambo player would break out at a 4am binge session of the Ted Danson/Kristen Bell show "The Good Place" though I would have no knowledge of that ever happening.
Alluvial Fans- They are a band.
Ameera Bandy- Found nothing. Great job!
The Amino Acids- Peter puffers famous for ripping off their gimmick from a Jack White video and having below average cardio.
Angel of Mars- This is a band.
Anthony Retka- I see the name everywhere but couldn't tell you a single thing about him. And neither could you.
The Antibuddies- Dorks, but they do have females in the band. Hamtramck Steve I'm looking at you. No following into restrooms. It's 2022.
As Your Attorney- I would advise you to skip it.
Audra Kubat- Still hasn't responded to my friend request from 2014.
Atmig- I'm not looking this up.
Authors of Ambition- Found nothing. Wonder if they know where the money's going...
Bad Magnets- Well we have made it to the letter "B" and we have our first JSB band of the Fest. To every legit artist who applied and got the "We received a lot of submissions but unfortunately not everyone,,," message, bookmark this.
The Band Mint- Look like good people.
Barker & Broski- I wonder if Barker or Broski know where the money's going...
Ben Stalets- Looks like good people. J/K!
Bend- I think this band gave the Silver Hornet an oil change last week.
Big D & the Actual Proof- Look like nice people who live for a Detroit Music Award.
Bitchcraft- They have a song called "Hot Socialist" which shows that they at least have an amazing sense of self-awareness and irony.
The Blitzers- Dorks that make flyers (Not that I would know).
Bloody Butterflies- They still play in masks?? C'mon kids.
The Blueflowers- Probably nice people who may or may not take themselves too seriously.
Bourbon Squirrel- We have a female AND a person of color sighting! In Vegas we would call that a parlay. Crafty HMF. Crafty.
The Boy Detective- Insert obligatory [REDACTED] joke here.
BPM Tronic- Does BPM know where the money's going?
Brian McCoskys- Not even bothering to correct the name.
Bruce Farrell- Wonder if he knows where the money's going...
The Bruised Reed- Well they do have a female in the band, but I am totally stressed out because I can't tell if she's a "maybe". But they are most likely good people.
Burn Maralago- A bunch of failed theater kids that aren't even good enough for Gold House Media/Tunde LLC. Interesting that they still don't have a Facebook page. Looks like they want to keep it on the down low so they don't get fired from Subway.
Cadriane- Can't decide if a "Maybe" or a "Pass". 29 followers on FB. Ehhhhhhh
Cause & Effects- One Man Band!
Checker- The short haired girl has my attention. If I cover HMF they may be on my List. 25 FB followers. More people than that just read this sentence.
Christ Weasel- Geek playing on a laptop with props. But looks like he very well could kick your ass.
Cinecyde- Skid and his wife are good people. * UPDATE- They are already off the fest bwahahahaha.
Citizen Smile- These geeks totally can't take a joke or any type of criticism and expect everyone to think they are the next big thing despite being around for years, given many opportunities, and still haven't moved the needle. So, basically, the perfect act for 2022. Might as well call themselves Tally Hall at this point. Fuck 'em.
Cocktail Shake- For the DMA crowd. No chaser.
Confidence- I have zero confidence where the money is going.
The Corduroy Job- Probably nice people.
Cosmic Light Shapes- Ahhhhhh yes, here we go. NOW we know where the money is going...
Come Out Fighting- Generic bar punk. Probably okay.
Counter Elites- Looks like all the Spotify proceeds ($0.30) from their latest single "Abort the Court" are going to the National Network of Abortion Funds (where is that money going?) which is cool if you support that. But what if somebody doesn't? That's why it's best to keep politics and religion out of cheapjack local music and the workplace. You are Not Special and you are Not going to change the world. For example, at the final JCM show at the New Dodge last month, tambo player E First aborted herself on stage covering it in blood. What was the message? For her, I'm sure it meant something, which is perfect. For the bikers (who were loving it) it may have meant something different which is perfect. For -jr, "I couldn't care less," which is perfect. It was whatever you wanted it to be, all calculated, which is...perfect, and beautiful. Very Kubrick. Oh, the Counter Elites? I would abort their set from your schedule.
Cousin Mouth- Based off of FB I have no idea what to make of this. It's like Jason Mewes merged with the jobber from Imaginatron.
Covier- I wonder if they know where the money is going...
Crimson Eyed Orchestra- Oh, so Charlie LeDuff and my pops from the Great Beyond formed a band?
CVS RBN- I'm not looking into this so I'll just recycle a joke I had planned for an act a few scrolls up: Cousin Mouth- My nickname in college.
Cult of Spaceskull- Dumb. Not going to happen.
Dahmer's Breakfast- With a name like that you need to deliver. Trust me, I know. Either be so good it's impossible to ignore or be so bad that it's good. But this is neither. I sought out a song and it is the worst thing you can be with a name like this... Boring. Also, no photos which means they probably look like your average graphic designer.
Damn the Witch Siren- Cute, in a possibly dumpy kind of way.
David Bierman Overdrive- I just closed my eyes and pictured this instead of looking it up. I actually should have done this for most of the acts here. However, I will be pissed if they have a total Hardbody on bass or something. I'll never know.
Deadsurf- Do they know where the money is going? (I may check them out though).
Deal Breakers- Look like nice people that play music.
Dear Darkness- Couple of geezers who have been around forever yet still have an obsessive need to play every Fest despite nobody asking for it. It's not gonna happen. Somebody messaged me that one of them has an "okay chest", but they are a complete unreliable asshole so I'm just moving on.
Death Cat- Cosplay act. May be worth a look because it looks like they put some effort into it. Maybe Danhausen will sign my AEW ticket stub.
Decapoda- Found nothing. Probably a front where the money is going to accidentally included on the flyer.
Decliner- Definitely NOT my nickname in college. However, it is my nickname for this act.
Deep Sessions Detroit- Nickname in college.
Detroit 442- Been around forever. If I didn't care then, I don't care now.
Devin Jetski- Is this the guy that does the weather on tv? Also did Detroit Techno Militia drop out already? They were on the original flyer hahahaha.
Dirty Copper- Rotated my tires last week.
The Dirty News- I've got some baaaaaaad news for you. I will not be at this set.
DJ Anna S.- Found nothing and I tried because Anna is a female (I hope) and we are almost done with this part and I only have two "Yes" and "Maybe's" so far :(
DJ Blayd- I don't review DJ's.
DJ Caleb Pepera- Why are they booking DJ's when there are bands out there needing exposure? Also, where is the money going?
Dominant Hand- Found nothing. Eat shit.
Dondero- Looks to be a good guy playing music and living life.
Doug Bowen- I wonder if Doug knows where the money's going...
Dr. Wolf's Cult of Kings- Looks insufferable.
Duk Butter- The name made me laugh for some reason. Just some dudes living the dream.
Well, that's it for A-D. I would have included more pictures but there is still a sliver of decency in me that makes me want some of these newer acts, or even some older acts people aren't familiar with, to get some type of DIY exposure, so do it yourself. Because it is HamFest, expect most of these acts to drop out, get cancelled, be replaced, no show, etc. You know the drill. Stay tuned next week for letters E through L.
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5 comments:
Hahaha, a bit "softer" than previous previews, maybe even lazier, but somebody needs to post this on 1magine's profile, if he even has one.
I heard you were giving out wristbands. We're coming in from out of town and definitely could use a few.
Hmmm, both comments at 12:18 PST, which is the default time zone on the blog because I'm too lazy to switch it. "We're coming in from out of town". Let's be honest, nobody is coming in from out of town for this. No, we are not giving away free wristbands. Nothing is for free. By the time we get to the last part of the preview we will have a JCM scavenger hunt where HMF wristbands will be placed across various areas during the festival. There will be clues, warnings, and other stuff. As JCM's way of giving back, they will be free, but you have to work for it. I've already spoiled too much. Stay tuned.
hilarious. people take themselves too seriously. the three djs are playing at trixie's because i booked them to close out saturday and sunday night with minimal effort... after so many bands you just want to plug in 2 cables and say fuck it for a few hours. i did specifically book a bunch of random bands because who wants to circle jerk their friends? plus i'd have to have friends for that to happen. lol. so i went down the submission pool and picked bands i'd never heard of that seemed like they would be fun. to my credit and yours a few of them i picked were rated as looking like nice people. while maybe none of the super cool scene kids will be at trixie's at least everyone will be pleasant and enjoyable. and to answer the age old question "where does the money go" - a large portion of it goes towards the production costs since the fest covers the costs of pa and sound techs as well as promo on wdet/elsewhere and flyers, maps etc. i'm not sure where the donations will be going this year, i think it may be school of rock. i suggested to split the proceeds between some kind of alzheimer's music organization (not any one in particular but one that would use the money to have musicians play for patients) and a spay and neuter program for hamtramck cats. hamtramck has too many feral cats and no real management of them so my logic was a huge cash infusion would actually benefit the community. the alzheimer's side comes from my own experience with my mother who passed away from the disease in 2015. when we played music it brought genuine joy and happiness to her and music has been shown to be one of the most powerful memories people have - it connected her with sense of self she lost. anyways, looking forward to getting totally roasted when you get to my band.
"Looking forward to getting roasted". I've actually received that message multiple times. Some people you get it, and based on your well thought out comment, you get it. I wish I knew the band though (don't post it here btw) so that I can put some elbow grease into the promotion. For some of these acts, this is the only promotion they will get. FB event pages don't count. It really is sad that there isn't a decent source to get a decent preview these days.
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