Make More Money the JCM Way- Top Shot, Sports Desks, and Federal Employee Pigs

From the National Affairs Desk-

 Hey all Metro here with a quick one while you're away.

We may have some insight as to why your friendly government babysitters don't want the schools to open as quickly as some would like. Hint. Its not because they really care about your health. Okay okay, lets stop for a second. Yes, I did get caught up late last year with the Hunter Biden stuff (mostly true btw, but nobody cared enough to push it) along with the possible election fraud (mostly untrue but fun to play the "what if" game). Oh as for the election fraud thing. If all the dead names were refuted for very valid reason such as sharing the same name as a relative, errors in the database, etc; all valid reason I say once again, then why are these errors still active and haven't been corrected in the database. Its been since November when spreadsheets of names were out there. Once again, they have all been refuted, but why haven't they been adjusted and cleaned up on the Secretary of State websites and the voter registration databa....oh Jesus fuck it. Let me guess. Covid right? the perfect excuse.

Anyway back to the original reason for posting...

The National Affairs Desk/Sports Desk has many friends in the service industry who have been feeling the burn with government regulations/restrictions/etc. The same people are also having to devote a LOT of time to taking care of their mutant devil spawn. Well here is an article from Forbes. Once again, Forbes. Not a tabloid site like the Washington Examiner, Breitbart, or the New York Times. Here is the article:

The Swine Shure Help Their Own  (Shurly Slurry)

Basically, if you are a federal employee, under the relief bill on the table, you can apply for a "paid leave" if you have children at home from school. The paid leave is much higher than those in the private sector would get. Through September 30th, every week you would be able to get up to $1400 in "paid leave". Multiply that by 15 weeks..... Then let your inner conspiracy nutbrain ponder why everyone is so reluctant to reopen schools. Maybe I'm wrong in assuming that. If so, sorry not sorry. For the non-federal Constant Readers are you okay with this tidbit as it stands right now? Go back and reread the Forbes piece. Yes, there is a tinge of bias in there. Okay, a bit of bias in there, but as far as I know there are some facts there as well. Do yourself a favor and look into this a bit more. I would but its not my fucking job. I'm just trying to raise awareness of a possible government fuck you hold the lube. Hahaha $35 bucks an hour. Good deal if you can get it. Them's some livable wages. Swine. 

Alright, here are the weekly "quick hits".

-For the time being buy all in on NBA Top Shot. The crest is happening now. It could be the next Gamestop before we hit the high water mark and the bubble bursts. Its basically virtual trading cards/stock market for sports nerds. Anybody able to get their mitts in (new accounts are currently closed as of this writing and the whole thing is still in Beta testing). Take this tip as you may and give me my 10% after you cash out.

-There was a recent scuttlebutt over the casting of a black actress as Anne Boleyn on some show I'll never watch either way. This brought out the psycho white nationalists in droves. Swine. Instead of giving the actress a chance they shit all over it. Cross gender/race casting is the wave of the future, the next big thing; bigger than NBA Top Shot eventually. The possibilities are endless. These are satire, not created by me, and do not reflect my opinion as to who would be best for the role.

Also, if last year was the year of Covid, I have no idea what the theme of this year will end up (early frontrunners include: "2nd Place is A-Ok If You're Stupid", "Math is Racist and That's a Fact", "Asian Lives Matter", "Facts Are Racist", and "Every Permutation of Society Needs Their Own 'Thing'"). A case could be made for all of those but lets focus on the "Every Creed Needs Their Own Thing". First they zapped Aunt Jemima, now they're coming after Jeep Cherokee (my personal replacement brand is "Jeep Grand Football Team"), and finally the future is cereal. Here is a real new brand that's out there. That White Supremacist Mikey is NOT going to like this: The first one is real. The rest are satire, not created by me, and They do not reflect my opinion as to what would make for a delicious breakfast. The Nazi one is particularly brutal and probably cost me any job working at Disney.

Full disclosure, I don't have a problem with this at all (the first, real one; not the vile parody ones). I hope they make lots of money and deliver a quality product. That's the American Way (if that's still a thing; the jury's out on that).

That's about it for this week. The meat of the matter, fat in the fire, is the loophole where you get a lot of money if you are a federal employee with kids home from school based on regulations made by your peers. Hey give them a snow shovel and a ticket to Texas and really double down on the profit! As always, fuck it, who cares, and beware the pigs at all times. I would never lie to you. I'm a doctor after all.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

End of an Era 2021 ???

-From the National Affairs Desk

 Hey all, Metro here. Its hard to believe that we are already on the cusp of Valentine's Day in the year 2021. It seems like just last month we were in the throes of a New Year's celebration that really wasn't, a brand new president, mass chaos in the Capitol, and some fucking waterhead gluing their hair to their head. There was also the certification of legal gambling and sportsbooks in Michigan which is basically what I have been up to so far this year. I can say with a tear in my eye and a big grin on my face that the Sports Desk (subsidiary of the National Affairs department) is now open for business. When I haven't been navigating the hazy waters of the glorified scrimmages that are college football in the pandemic era I have been setting up a command central I can be quite proud of. Here is an exclusive look at the Sports Desk (the beer is still N/A for those keeping track, the print is a Ralph Steadman original titled "Sports").

There has really been a lot to cover and nothing to cover. It doesn't surprise me to say that things both locally and nationally have been quite boring. And that is taking into consideration the savages that laid siege to the US capitol, bad poetry at the inauguration, and the second impeachment of Trump. As I said, all too boring. I am tired of getting (private) messages asking me to lay waste to a plethora of topics in the "Vintage Metro" style, whatever the fuck that means. So lets get it out of the way with a hot take, fast take, bullet point fuck parade so I can wash my hands, clear my inbox and get back to things that matter like the suspect -4.5 spread in the Virginia/Georgia Tech game. LETS GO!

-The January 6th Situation.

This incident has gotten me the most "fan mail" in regards to getting back to some semblance of a regular writing schedule/output. I don't know what the Constant Readers want/expect. To be entertained? C'mon, I can't compete with that chaos. My opinion? Well, first off, I wasn't there ho ho ho. I would have loved to have been there to cover it in a fair and kamakazi (ok maybe wrong choice of words there) way. But then a photo would have gotten out (probably posted here by myself) and the over-reactionary fuck-o's would jump on it and report me to the FBI. And don't believe that is an overreaction or hyperbole because the sandbrains on the Hamtramck Music Fest committee reported me to Homeland Security in 2017. That really happened. I have the transcripts. How'd that work out for you Liggett? Ponce. Amateur. Geezer.

   Back to the Capitol siege and my take. They were idiots. Misguided, foolish lemmings. Completely unorganized geeks until it came out that they were organized. Quite organized. My biggest takeaway from all that is not the chaotic danger and hyperbole of the media looking to bump up ratings after the post election lull, nor was it the drama majors in Congress and their boring stories about how they were disrupted from posting rhetoric on social media instead of y'know, actually doing their jobs. For shame. How inconvenient. Where was I to read how we need to come together once every single person is placed into categories of how much merit their opinion garners? Nah, the biggest takeaway from January 6th is that these goofs pretty much ruined it for everyone who may have an opinion that may not fall in line with what is popular/accepted and their right to convey it in a logical, well thought out way. That is the true crime that was committed on January 6th. Now if somebody speaks up, no matter how well spoken they are, no matter what facts (are they still legal?) they present, if that person has an opinion that may be different from the godforsaken status quo or what is being fed to the media to condition everybody to believe for that week, then that person is now a racist, white supremacist, misogynist, and now, gasp, a domestic terrorist. Its fucking already out of control. That is the true inconvenience of January 6th, the absolute obliteration of any comfort zone regarding your opinion. You'll be attacked, cancelled (ugh don't get me started), branded with a scarlet "W". I say this with all respect and sympathy for those who died on the 6th, genuine sympathy. Things are bad, and those charged with fixing them seem to relish the darkness because, like since the beginning, its much easier to galvanize a fan base if they are miserable, and if 2020/2021 has taught us anything, its Everybody is miserable. People like to be miserable. If there's nothing to complain about they have no idea what to do with themselves. So that's my take on January 6th. A whole lot of nothing aside from a few seconds closer to the "No More Fun Club".

-Thankfully, the Too Much Fun Club is still rocking and a rolling. Barely. Elizabeth First, the Ghost, has disappeared, again. No contact, no nothing. I'm working on it. However, the JCM was represented at the Super Bowl. Live, and in person. With amazing seats. This is not the fiction department. Check it out.

Now if I was there instead of a founding bandmate, I would have finally taken that last hit of acid and gone full nuts with a comprehensive diary along with photo essay, stream of consciousness, total madness. But sometimes, there's nothing wrong with just wanted to kick back and have some (too much) fun.

-The halftime show by The Weeknd was top notch, a total starmaking performance. The Weeknd is my favorite, and most complete, pop music performer of the last three years. It was refreshing to see a talented artist do their thing without the need for social commentary (I call it condescending pontificating), preaching, or, snore THE MESSAGE. Spare me. Because of this The Weeknd gets an A+ from the Lavender Blog. And no wonder some people didn't care for it. Cough, Woodman. You know who really must be pissed about being passed over for the Super Bowl halftime (don't do it) show (can't resist) is this guy:

My Zoom was hacked and now I have a virus!

-Truth be told, the Sports Desk picked Kansas City to win, as did the majority of serious gamblers. Not smart, although I still did well enough on other bets to offset this mistake. I am not a Tom Brady worshiper. However, after this year's game I have to admit he is the greatest of all time. Like LeBron who I also can't stand personally, he has reached a point where I just have to accept his greatness. No more excuses or complaints. Of course not everybody may agree with that. Case in point:

Those are real tweets and why I can't stand 95% of the general public. Remember when I said earlier that its only going to get worse. Yeah. Maybe we can move the Super Bowl to January or March (just not whatever month is Pride month, good god could you imagine that?). Or maybe we can get somebody to teach Lamar Jackson how to throw a deep pass to a player on his team and not the other one. Or maybe we can just stop complaining about everything.

-Moving on to more positive things, the JCM/your humble narrator will now be forever enshrined in a music Hall of Fame. One of our priceless musical artifacts, a mint condition ticket of a 1978 Patti Smith/Sonics Rendezvous ticket stub from Ann Arbor will be on permanent display in the [Redacted because of Cancel Culture] Hall of Fame, along with a "thank you" from the organization itself. They contacted me about obtaining it and I agreed, so yeah, the JCM DNA has oozed into musical history. So eat shit Deastro. We win again. Go complain about labor wages or union laws or whatever you bitch about to the four people who read your shit. We...win....again.

-The last post of 2020 touched on auctioning off historical JCM pieces to benefit animal rescue and I am proud to say that we have sold out first item, the original "Garage Rock Sucks" t shirt that was featured in our Halloween photo blog along with other shoots including our press pack from 2008-2010.

 It hurt to let it go but it now has a good home in Oregon. Wait we have readers in Oregon?? Anyway, goodbye dear garment, thee served me well, and know that the money will be donated once payment is processed. Update. Done-zo, and matched. No boring, safe, cover songs on FB live needed. Just a shirt worn by me.

-Last up is the Gorilla Glue stupidity. I am dumber for even touching on it. Of course you have heard about it. Some waterhead put Gorilla Glue in their hair and had some medical problems. That's the story. Of course it has been blown out of proportion, and of course these are real posts:

Seriously what the fuck is the matter with everybody. We seriously are all doomed. The bigwigs at Gorilla Glue should totally troll her by offering to pay for her education, but only if they provide proof of a degree. That's it, take it or leave it. Of course a Gofundme was set up. God, I hate Gofundme. I'm currently banned from the site after I investigated some of their practices a little too close in 2018. In a nutshell, they are XXXXXX as hell with XXXXXXX XXXX schemes, XXX issues, etc etc etc. I could (and should) post details but then I'd have to set up an alternate Gofundme account to cover legal bills.

I hate to leave on such a dour note, but like I said up there its much more easier to be miserable these days. So I think I'll slum it for a while and stockpile more links that are sent to me and when I have enough I'll post again. Thanks for reading and stay warm.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Bryan Metro