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Friday, March 13, 2020

Wineheads in Coronatown. The Closing of the Sports Desk.


Hey all, Metro here. I'm at the National/Global Affairs Desk trying to consolidate hundreds of transmissions regarding March in the Year of Our Lord 2020 into a semi-readable essay which will most likely turn out to be unreadable.
Earlier today I wept as I cleaned up and closed the Sports Desk muttering "Where were you when the fun stopped?". After hanging up a "Help Wanted" sign I took old Betty out back to be put down.

The neighbors were understandably tense. Here was a raving lunatic waving a sidearm and yelling at a laptop. It didn't help that most of them had never seen me as I rarely leave the bedroom office/National Affairs Desk. Thankfully one neighbor verified seeing me mow the grass last summer and the bored looking police officer was satisfied. The neighbor thankfully left out the open beer in my leather Michigan Bell work belt as I raced across the yard trying to mow down a squirrel like a modern day Lawnmower Man. Back to the present. I ditched the hand cannon in a neighbor's mailbox with a note saying "Ho ho ho. Don't need anymore. Now I have a machine gun." I explained to the police that the neighborhood was misinformed and confused and that I never had a Glock or 9mm and it was just a Twix bar, king size, that I later ate. The explanation was good enough. Just another day in 2020. ca

Where were you when the fun stopped?

A few weeks ago I did a semi-funny photo shoot in a hazmat suit and facemask (They were still available then. I have about 12 left if anyone is interested). The post was about how people were reacting to the Coronavirus. In the post I went to pharmacies, supermarkets, bars, restaurants, bars, even the casino. Well karma can be a bitch so feel free to blame all of this on me. I only got one day's use out of the hazmat suit, although I have one more idea for it. But that is for a future post.

Since that photo blog the world has turned upside down and even I have come down with the flu. As of now it is not the Coronavirus but it is one of the more dangerous strains of the standard flu. All local band need not worry as I would not come to your show anyway. I have tried to self-quarantine (aside from the laptop/explosion episode from today). I even went back to retrieve the sharpshooter from the neighbor's mailbox because I didn't wipe it down. I did leave the machine gun note just to confuse them.

Now I am huddled cover(19)ed in blankets watching the news and surfing the Net on my Backup Backdoor Betty laptop. Three weeks ago I was joking about the reaction, but today they have my attention. In the span of 48 hours Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte......In the span of Another 48 hours Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte....After Hours I was going to make a Tom Hanks joke but I got it confused with Night Shift. Anyway, the following has happened:
-NBA cancels the season with multiple players testing positive for the Bug. Pretty big. Commissioner Nosferatu Silver unafraid as he is a creature of the night.
-NCAA cancels March Madness. Pretty huge as Vegas turns into Sodom.
-NHL suspends season. Must be serious if hockey is on lockdown.
-Tom Hanks and wife confirmed with Virus. Unconfirmed Hanks quote, "I thought Philadelphia was rough.
-MLB postpones opening days. Pretty big. The Houston Astros say "Thank god".
-DIA and DSO suspend events. Semi-big but none of you savages were going anyway.
-MLS soccer suspended. Sort of big, just not here.
-Most schools closed. Smart move; real talk.
-Pro golf (PGA) events cancelled. Pussies.
-New York, Boston, and Detroit St. Pattys Day Parades cancelled. Somebody call in a wellness check on Woodman.
-Blake Shelton concert zapped. Chatters in Westland will be packed.
-Detroit WWE Smackdown cancelled. I had the hazmat suit ready. If there's any time for the Undertaker to come to town its now.
-WrestleMania likely to be moved/postponed. Actually convenient because it gives Undertaker a head start on his entrance.
-November's presidential election postponed as Trump named permanent Commander in Chief until further notice. (That one was a joke, but can't you see it happening?)

That is one hell of a list and all of them within the past few days. What's next? I just wish we would have known about this pandemic back in December so the Hamtramck Music Fest could have been cancelled. Sorry, another joke. Aside from the bands playing nobody paid for a wristband.

In all seriousness, we are living in an interesting time; uncharted waters. Vultures will be hovering once things get level, if they do at all. As for now, be safe, be well, stay away from local music. I said earlier "Where were you when the fun stopped?", but now I think the fun is just getting started. Just as long as they don't take the bar; the Whole Fucking Bar!

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro


Anonymous said...

How panicked is Hamtramck now that the bars are being forced to close?

Bryan Metro said...

I don't think that much. They have been trying to get each other closed down for years. Trixies I'm looking at you.

TheNun said...

This was one of my top 3 things you have ever written.

Bryan Metro said...

Ha I appreciate that. I am honest to a fault so I wouldn't put it top 3, but it serves well in this day and age. Thanks for reading and be well.