Hello 2022 and the Great 30 Days Of Horror

 From the National Affairs Desk-

*Let's get this out of the way real quick. If anything that follows is offensive or you feel should be taken down please e-mail bryanmetro1@hotmail and I will remove it and offer an apology. It's that simple.

Hey all Metro here. Yes, I am still working on my legitimate journalism "A Year in the Life of Covid" project when I travel the entire country experiencing how people are adjusting, readjusting to the peaks and valleys of a pandemic. As always, I work at my own pace, some days three pages, some days two sentences. I will post it when I feel it cuts the mustard, or is finished, whichever comes first ho ho ho.

However, someone sent me a fun distraction, one of those cheesy internet games where they try to steal your passwords etc. This one is the "Horror Movie Challenge". 30 days, 30 horror questions designed to delve into your personal psyche. If anything's worth doing it's worth doing right.

I was going to try this as a post a day for 30 days, but I would have gotten bored or forget by Day 4. Plus, it would intrude on my pandemic project. So, I'll just blast out all 30 days now. Feel free to leave your own personal memories, bank information, passwords, subpoenas, etc. Also, unrelated, I have had a few people message me saying they are having trouble accessing this site on some devices. The tech team is on "leave" so I can't really help you there. Ah shit, then you wouldn't even be seeing this to begin with... For those who ignore the bogus virus alerts I can definitely assure you that we at Lavender are not hacking you, just matching the moles. This would explain the decrease in readership lately, although we have had a spike due to my "Inferiority Complex Bingo Card" social media debacle where I made the mistake of once again talking to people without a sense of humor or satire. Here is the original from some nobody along with my revision:

It got out of hand quick and I had flashbacks to a few years ago so I stopped engaging immediately (aside from dragging it into this post). Anyway, nobody cares about that. People these days love being miserable and scared so lets get into....Bryan Metro's 30 Days Of Fucking Horror. As always, these are my opinions, so when the question is "The Best", I don't really mean the Best, just my Best. As always these can change based on the mood I'm in when I wake up, the positive conversations I have throughout the day, the concerns brought up to me, the way the Sports Desk is going, and of course money. So basically, I'm qualified to work for the CDC! Let's go!

Day 1- First Horror Movie You Saw: The Shining. Age 8 (?). Pops made me leave during the bathroom scene, but the ax killing of the Nice cook was okay....

Day 2- Last Horror Movie You Saw: Now I'm curious. Do they mean last in terms of date of release or date of viewing? I'm guessing viewing. The Shining haha. Age 39 (?). Roommate made me leave during the bathroom scene...oh you get it.

Day 3- Movie You Love That Nobody Else Does: Also confused. It doesn't day "horror" so I would probably go with Moonlight or Freddy Got Fingered. If we're sticking to horror, probably Blair Witch Project.

Day 4- Goriest Horror Movie: I've always been partial to Peter Jackson's Dead Alive and Werewolf in London's transformation scene and makeup. Apologies to the Evil Dead fan base. But we have to go with The Thing (1982). The things they did (pun intended) with the budget and practical effects are unmatched to this day.

Day 5- Favorite Horror Movie: I know what all 100 of you are thinking, The Shining. But while being my favorite Movie of all time, my favorite Horror Movie would be American Werewolf in London, which is also my favorite romance and 2nd place comedy (Caddyshack).

Day 6- Funniest Horror Movie: I know I've already mentioned Dead Alive and American Werewolf so lets go with Evil Dead 2 here. #workshed. Spoiler alert, the correct answer is down on Day 24.

Day7- Worst Horror Sequel: Ahhh finally something to sink my teeth into. Scream 3 is there. I've seen it 4 times over the course of 2 decades and can't tell you a single thing about it other than the Jay and Silent Bob project placement. Another Weinstein crime. I would have to go with Nightmare on Elm Street 2. Almost killed the entire franchise. Nope, just switched it to American Werewolf in Paris.

Day 8- Best Horror Movie Reboot: I'm guessing they mean remake in hopes of starting a new franchise because none really have worked. In terms of reboot I really think the Fright Night one is really overlooked. Colin Farrell having tons of fun, a cool Chris Sarandon cameo, and I love how they set it in Vegas because it is such a transient city that nobody really notices when someone goes missing. I love that take. Hot take for any future cross country blogger couples with mental and relationship issues.

Day 9- Best Horror Villain: Oh man. Technically it should be Hannibal Lecter but that is more a thriller so it always comes down to the Big 5: Jason, Freddy, Leatherface, Michael Myers, and Donald Trump; all deserving in their own ways. I'm going to eliminate Jason, Freddy, Leatherface, and Trump because there is something likable about each- Jason the sleeping bag kill, the fact he waits until the coeds doff it before he kills them, being a bullied kid. Freddy, well c'mon, is Freddy even the villain in most of them? Leatherface has the best kill out of them all, his first onscreen with the sledge. Also appeals to the trans community, one of my biggest fanbases. Trump for making it extremely difficult to be mean on the internet which is basically how we won a Detroit Music Award. So that leaves Michael Myers by default. Good lord, I just went back and reread that. If 2011 me would read that he would think, what the hell has happened by 2022.

Day 10- Movie You Hate That Everyone Loves: Hellraiser. Never got into it. Hon Mention: Babadook. Sucked but some people saw through the hype. Yeahhh I'm going to go with The Babadook.

Day 11- Worst Horror Ending: The Mist. I know there are a ton of people who love the bleak ending, and as the only living cynical writer writing today, you would think I would as well, but it was rubbish. It was done for just a shock, and the fact that Stephen King said he loved the change in killing off a main character after years of blasting Kubrick for killing off the Nice cook in The Shining just showed the early onset of dementia we see to this day on his Twitter page.

Day 12- Least Favorite Horror Movie: The Witch. I don't even have the energy to do the cute Late '10's spelling of it. It sucked, and no art history dropout that writes for what used to be Aint It Cool News can convince me otherwise. 

Day 13- Movie You Have Not Seen: Ooooh you have my attention. Got it. Candyman. Never saw it, original or remake. To be fair I did see the Virginia Madsen bathtub doff, but that is another list.

Day 14- Best Horror Sequels: Perfect, a loophole. It says "sequels" plural. Let's go. Texas Chainsaw 2 for the gonzo Dennis Hopper/Leathernuts chainsaw fight. Devils Rejects. For making a legit throwback to a 70's road movie with horror undertones. Friday the 13th Part 4. Hits all the notes in the franchise: Doffs, a great cast, a Crispen Glover dance freakout, good kills, great makeup, and more. I'm going to have to go with Nightmare on Elm Street Part 3. It miiiiiight be better than the first. Another great cast, crazy kills, the return of cast members. Yeah. There is your winner. But the pic has to be Hopper.

Day 15- Worst Horror Movie Reboot: Hmmmm. I know many might say the Friday the 13th reboot where they turned Jason into a running Brock Lesnar pot farmer, but that at least had some amazing doffs. So, I'm going with the Nightmare on Elm Street reboot. Nothing redeeming which is a crime because it had Jackie Earle Hayley and my ex Rooney Mara. I was debating which doff to post for the pic. Nahhh just kidding.

Day 16- Worst Horror Acting: I think Bruce Campbell would take it personally if this wasn't him.

Day 17- Cheesiest Horror Movie: Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 4. This is what happens when you give too many drugs to people making a movie. You could say Part 2 as well. That gives me an idea for another list. This is what happens when you give too many drugs to people making a video. Maybe next year...

Day 18- Worst Horror Movie Plot: Get Out. Clever but too obvious and easy. You are not a trailblazer Jordan Poole. Twilight Zone series did it better. Moving along.

Day 19- Best Horror Soundtrack- John Carpenter. All of them. Halloween, Christine, The Fog, They Live. I bet you were thinking The Thing, but that was Morricone which gets an Hon. Mention. Also Hon. Mention: House of a Thousand Corpses/Devil's Rejects.

Day 20- Most Shocking Horror Movie: I'm going with Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Don't overthink the obvious. Gambling 101.

Day 21- Best 70's Horror Movie: The Exorcist. A very close second because I have the Exorcist is properly rated by maybe a liiiitle overrated, is Carrie. Fuck it. I'm going Carrie. Eat it traditionalists. Moving along.

Day 22- Best 80's Horror Movie: I gave love already to The Shining but is that even an 80's movie? Nightmare Part 1 is definitely up there. Same with The Thing. Return of the Living Dead is pretty amazing, also funny. Okay, 3 way tie- Nightmare 1, Return of the Living Dead, and original Fright Night. The club scene bumps it up.

Day 23- Best 90's Horror Movie: Scream. No contest.

Day 24- Best 00's Horror Movie: Shaun of the Dead. This might be the horror movie I watched the most next to Devil's Rejects which to be honest is more of a thriller which is why I went with the infinitely quotable Shaun. "What do we do tomorrow? Keep drinking!" was my motto from 2004 to. Also the Winchester was the defacto name of my writing refuge/camper after -jr's original name of [REDACTED] was redacted. No no no no. edit edit. Cloverfield. That was the movie I watched the most in the 00's. Yep. Cloverfield. Relegate Shaun back to the funniest. Sorry Evil Dead 2.

Bonus- I guess this meme was made before 2010 so- Best 10's Horror Movie: Cabin in the Woods. Mainly because it includes nods to many of the movies featured up there while still being original as hell. Its too bad Joss Whedon went nuts and totally sexist. It's rough going from being a Hollywood bigwig to submitting his resume for this blog.

Day 25- Best Child Horror Movie: There are quite a few to pick from. Regan was a child right? So Exorcist. The Shining of course. Poltergeist, and I'm not even mentioning the Spielberg audition process. I'm going with the original Child's Play. It even has Child in the title. Cracking up that all the movies I mentioned above are technically better than Child's Play. Pic though has to be Spielberg horrorshow though.

Day 26- Best Horror Genre: Ummm horror? I'm thinking the creator of this ran out of ideas at this point. I'm guessing they meant sub-genre. Anything but that lame 2000's asian horror trend where it was so cookie cutter, hit all the notes/tropes, mad libs gimmick. Though they will get a nod a few days down. It would have to be between Slasher and Haunted House. Slasher because of the kills and tits. Haunted House for the scares. I'm going with Slasher. Are you surprised?

Day 27- Best Holiday Horror Movie: -jr would probably pick Santa's Slay featuring a psychotic Goldberg playing Santa. Oh shit, hey Seth Rogen Goldberg did it first! Anyway Goldberg kills James Caan in the opening scene. Enough to warrant discussion. There's also Krampus which is probably the best recent Christmas horror movie. I'm leaving off Rare Exports which is the Foo Fighters of "Oh this is a great Christmas horror movie" usually said by people thinking they are cool. So it's gotta be Gremlins. Do you hear what I hear? Your mom getting her face slashed with a knife sending scores of parents into a fit because they thought it was just another muppet movie.

Day 28- Best Stephen King Movie: I know what you're thinking, it's The Shining again. Okay, yeah it is, but with that out of the way and if Stephen King voted The Shining is a Stanley Kubrick movie NOT a Stephen King movie so it is disqualified. So it goes to Carrie. By far. The cinematography, score, performances, lighting, Nancy Allen in 1976 full....glory, vintage Travolta. Yep, this is a no brainer.

Day 29- Best True Events Movie: Commando. Just kidding. It's not a list without Commando though. I'm going to go with Texas Chainsaw Massacre. After all they say at the beginning it was based on true event and would they lie to me?

Day 30- Scariest Horror Movie: This one is tough. Based on what age I saw it? I have to give a nod to The Grudge. I was very dismissive of Asian horror up there but when I saw The Grudge I was unfamiliar with the tropes of J Horror and I saw it alone (surprised?) at the theater. I was scared shitless. Every J Horror movie unphased me since then because its just recycled. The Exorcist is up there. Same with Texas Chainsaw. Well, we end where we started. The Shining. Maybe it was because of the age that I saw it, but so many things affected me, some to this day. It's all in the unexplained. Who let him out of the storage room? When I was 10 I finally got to see the bathroom scene and realized it was the perfect metaphor for marriage. The twins. The twins terrified me especially with the almost subliminal jump cuts of them killed. And of course the homosexual costume party dog man and elitist, almost a prelude to Eyes Wide Shut. Try processing that at 8 years old in a traditional Catholic household. And then to cap it off, he killed the Nice cook.

Well that's it waterheads. I hope you had fun with this as much as I did. Plus your first post of 2022!  Venmo me. Cashapp me. I need a fundraiser, a saga. Ahhh whatever. Thanks for reading in our 15th year. Dear god..... Maybe we are doomed.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

One More For The Road/Tears In The Rain

 From the National Affairs Desk:

" 'Try to be civil Marlow,' growled a voice, and I knew there was at least one listener awake besides myself."- Joseph Conrad/Heart of Darkness

Metro here. Wow it seems like it has been forever since I tossed up a post. (It has)

This one will be half-assed. I'm not even writing it in the notebook beforehand.

Let me assure you I am not retired yet. I have a pretty fun project I have been working on the past year where I travel across the USA and document Life During Warti....Covid. Think of it as Anthony Bourdain meets Hunter S Thompson meets Jeffrey Epstein meets ho ho ho just kidding.

I have crossed many time zones compiling this and that is no joke/satire. I have been to small bars (but not Smalls Bar), restaurants, encountered social madness protests in person, death match wrestling at closed down K of C's, a foreign sidekick I paid to accompany me for two days who spoke no English but the only thing I taught him to say (phonetically) was "Call The Cops!", large scale sporting events in an era of Fear, have seen the Dark Tower, and off the books Korean birthday parties with mysterious non-alcoholic cool drinks and even more mysterious strangers on a rooftop in Queens. I've seen things....seen things you little people wouldn't believe. All those moments will be lost in time; if it wasn't for this blog. I have really lived the life this year and I hope to compile all of this for you for the final post in this blog's history. Until then, there are still a few more chapters to be written...... And that, waterheads, is what we call a segue.

Dear lord, is that not the worst, most Detroit in 2021, tired lineup you have ever seen??? You know you are in a for a long night when Sros Lords are the only interesting act on the bill. That's it! That's my Prevue!

Lets have Fun. Does anyone remember Fun? Happy Holidays sapheads.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

Dinosaurs in Vietnam, Panama Stem Cells, and Review of HMF 2021

 

From the National Affairs Desk-

*Pre-post note. Ok, they have finally done the trick. I am fully vaccinated but have stayed away from endorsing or dissuading from anyone else doing it, but Their constant beating down and smothering my fortitude has finally worked. This week we were submitted to the rantings of their true secret bio weapon- This debased piece of work:

That did it. My spirits are broken. Please, I am 100% endorsing the vaccine. Anyone reading who has yet to get it, get it. I cannot stand a single additional moment of this. They have won. I am defeated. I have finally taken a side. Get the shot(s). The worst part is I think he's worrying about the wrong virus eyyyooooo. Ok, on to the post...

     "There's dinosaurs in Vietnam," has been blasting through the high powered speaker system in the National Affairs Suite at the JCMsTown Compound and I'm drinking some Kool Aid and outlining what damage I can cause during the JCM Las Vegas Story later this month when the buzzer goes off at the Sports Desk which has been closed for an hour now. The Mojo Wire has been fucked at the National Affairs Desk for a few days now which has me in a very weird state of mind with the Vegas assignment in only a few weeks.

I hop on over and see an incoming message from Skippy. Skippy is a friend from a friend from years ago. Nice guy, one of the most buttoned down, stand up guys I know, not an evil bone in his body. One could call him a "square" but then they'd have me to deal with. Skippy's message was simple enough, "Hey Bryan, my wife is out of town this weekend and I was thinking about going to that Hamtramck Music Fest. The thing is I don't know much of anything about any of the bands, the Fest, the venues, or Hamtramck. I saw a few of your posts about it but didn't read them. I did see the hubbub about Smalls and their vaccine requirements. I like to think of myself as pretty punk rock and that is pretty punk rock. I want to support punk rock and I figured you'd be covering it."

I wasn't planning on covering it. I figured that my previews were enough for this year. However the thought of dragging this poor guy around Hamtramck to see what "punk rock" is in 2021 would be enough to shatter his psyche and prevent future messages. After all, the more these old punk fuckers stick around the more they end up becoming part of the machine they think they are ranging against. The world has enough Chris Taylor's and Brett Callwood's out there. Plus it would be fun to show him how catastrophically unorganized the thing was along with the threats of physical harm that come with the territory. Plus there was a part of me that was curious about it all. What would the turnout be like? Would other venues have mask policies? After all, this is the first HMF/Blowout type of event in a pandemic. There really are no other local journalists in town. Years ago I said that as a joke to rile people up, but it has come true. I am the last one.

   "Count me in, but you're driving. I'll have a schedule and map ready. I can trust you right?"

   "Of course Bryan. I'm better now," Skippy reassured. 

I had reason to be cautious. The last time I was with Skippy he asked me to meet him at an Enterprise car rental in Madison Heights and insisted I be completely sober, drug free, and have my notebook. Since he works in the stock market I figured he had a good lead that I could piggyback on. I arrived at the rental place just in time to witness him in an argument with the staff. I had never seen him this way.

   "Do you know who I am? I asked for the tank. The heaviest vehicle you have with the absolute fucking worst gas mileage. Money is no object," he was shouting. I felt the need to assist.

   "Excuse me. Maybe I can be of assistance. My name is Bryan Sebastian Metro and I am this man's biographer. We need the car he reserved. It is..."

   "This man has no reservation," the clerk interrupted.

   "We must have the car. The tank. Money is no object as my client has stated."

After another half hour of this theater they just gave us the car to get us out of there and we were on the road in a GMC Yukon Denali XL, Skippy at the wheel. He kept insisting that I have his insurance papers and memorize a script that he had typed up. 

   "I don't understand. The things in this script are incorrect. I am a doctor, yes, but not your doctor, and even then I can only marry or bury. Well now I can also provide vaccination exemptions but I'm still working on the legalities and..."

   "No no no, not MY doctor, but it helps with the story that you ARE a doctor. By the way, what do you know about stem cell therapy? I have to have a hip replacement and my guy says that Panama is the place to be. What can you tell me about Panama?" he asked still making zero sense.

   "In this script I keep calling someone Will. Who is Will?

   "Will is who I am calling the cop. It could be any name though. Make sure you get his real name before calling him Will."

   "What cop? I am lost!"

   "Just make sure you have the main parts memorized. So, nothing about Panama then?"

   "I think I have it but HOLY CHRIST! You just ran that cyclist off the road. Stop! He's not moving."

   "Yeah, sucks. Just memorize the lines. They have to be said exactly as written. My real doctor drew them up. I've taken a large quantity of...one second," he says and then clips the passenger side mirror off the rental by dragging an underpass.

   "Jesus man, that is going to be trouble," I am starting to panic but not really due to the large quantity of anti anxiety medication I had already taken. I have a Pez dispenser of them on me at all times.

   "Car's insured remember. Okay, get your head on straight. It's Go Time!" Skippy yells and promptly slams into a Kia forcing it into the median, "Two points," he screams.

Before I can assume crash position I see him force two other cars into oncoming traffic though with minimal damage.

   "Hey Metro be on the watch for another faggot on a bike. There's too many out there these days. So smug. So passe is more like it, am I right buddy? Fuck, its the cops. Already. Okay, have your lines ready. I'm chomping the pill under my tongue right now. It'll be in the system by the time we get to Beaumont."

He then slams on the brakes and completes an entire 180 while simultaneously kicking the seat back. All the vehicles are now stopped. I get out.

   "Officers, this man needs dire help," I say trying to remember my lines, "He is my sponsor and was taking me to my AA meeting," (That bastard), "but he started having a convulsion. I saw it all. He is an epileptic with a bad heart. Here is the rental's paperwork. We are fully insured, but this man needs a doctor!"

I look and see Skippy peeking at me, grinning, with a thumbs up. We are quickly transferred to the hospital where he is admitted and I am given a ride home by his wife, who is completely confused. I am not as shocked as I should have been. Earlier that week I saw a similar incident on the internet involving former JCM correspondent Loretta Scarr who pulled a stunt like this but neglected to have a witness, insurance, a registered vehicle, and a reasonable explanation.

This was eight months ago and this buttoned down closet nutcase is on his way to pick me up to go to the largest ill-advised local music festival in the country. What terrible plans would he have this time? I didn't want us to be late or lost so I attempted to print a map and schedule for Friday at HMF. Jesus Christ. Did anybody else attempt this? The map was completely black with circles representing each venue but had no names or addresses. The band schedules were just as bad with each venue printing out on its own page. Impossible to deal with and completely worthless. So I scrambled together a wish list, left the HMF provided crap for the cats to deal with, and waited for him to arrive.

When Skippy arrived he informed me that his wife was out of town so he would have to be on his best behavior, but he needed to get out and was already twisted on pot and mushrooms. It took us 30 minutes just to get to the freeway which he bypassed anyway to take surface streets to Hamtramck.

   "You keeping up with the drag racing epidemic around here?" he asks as I tense up.

   "Yes," I add to this unfortunate conversation.

   "They even use ATV's now. They really need to shut it down. I'm not saying anyone needs to die, but it would benefit everyone if they just hurt a few." 

Jesus, he's gotten worse. We park at a chicken or pizza place a block away from PLAV #10, the HMF HQ, and get our things together.

   "Do you think I'll get towed? I don't see any signs. Do you mind if I smoke a joint before we go? Let's go down this street away from the car," he asks, so many questions.

   "That's not a street. It's an alley. Let's do it here in the lot. Nobody's getting towed. Hamtramck doesn't even have any police I think," I lie knowing full well they were busting people for U-turns everywhere the night before at the kickoff show.

   "Okay, you want any? I plan on quitting by the end of the summer anyway."

   "Nah why not wait until the end of Fall? Then you'd have Halloween and Thanksgiving," I suggest, not helping.

   "Good call. Forgot about the Fall. Yeah, maybe winter even," he rationalizes, my work here is done, "So, Bry, no police here eh? Those fuckers defunded them too. So close to home now. This may be an advantage."

I finish getting my notes, camera, voice recorder, and cash packed up and we get ready to roll, but Skippy's still on edge. A group of three black guys walk past us coming from the alley. They are not wearing wristbands.

   "Hey is it okay to park here? I just don't want to get towed," he asks them as I try to decide whether to laugh or cry. They don't even reply. They are probably just as baffled as I am.

We agree that it's okay to park the car there in the lot and head over to PLAV #10. Halfway there I notice that Skippy is carrying a medium-sized tin coffee can. He notices me noticing.

   "Yeah, this... Well the wife is out of town, but all of last week I was staying in the camper you sold me because she kicked me out," he explains, "Kicked me right out of the house."

I had sold him the camper back in 2016 after the naming party fiasco resulted in it being called [REDACTED]. It had caused enough headaches for me as it was.

   "So, I'm in the camper, J Slim, trying to figure out a way to get back at her so I grabbed this can of Folgers here to cook something up. Then she decides to visit her folks before I'm finished and I'm stuck with it..."

I say nothing.

   "This is what you call Prison Brew. Its usually used for payback on a crooked guard or a snitch. I have been pissing and shitting in this very can for the entire week, letting it sit outside in this miserable heat and humidity. This can is Grade A ready to go, man. Nobody is going to mess with us here. The second they get close enough to smell this gift from god they will be sorry, let me tell you. For six and a half fucking days this can has been sitting under my cot in the camper, festering, and when it wasn't under there it was outside in this Michigan summer covered in flies. Its probably filled with maggots. I haven't looked in a few days. I had to start a new one back home. So if any of those dingerbats from the parking lot tries anything with the car I'm going to rip the lid off this vile creation and whip seven days of the worst human production right into their faces. Let me tell you what would happen after that. They will be so baffled and confused it would give me plenty of time to slide this screwdriver into the back of their knees, crippling them for life, and then I start a brand new Prison Brew right on their gasping faces. I bet you thought it was funny when I asked them if it was okay if we parked there or if we would be towed. I was just planting the seed. I want them to try me, us. Fuck, the car isn't even in my name. You want funny? I'm Jerry Fucking Lewis except this clown is all out of tears, let me tell you. We're testing that Hamtramck police theory of yours tonight."

We get to PLAV #10 and I was shocked at how empty it was. This is their HQ! A ghost town. Skippy sets the Prison Brew down and orders three $2 hot dogs as I go to get our passes. As expected, I was not on the list. The volunteers were very nice but overwhelmed which is stunning because I was the only one in line. I asked where I could get a 2021 HMF t shirt that I saw them advertising on Facebook, but they informed me that the t shirt person no showed. They did provide me with a nice printed map on hard stock paper that would have been wonderful to have beforehand....

Back at the bar at PLAV #10 Skippy had predictably disappeared, but I did run into E First who I hadn't seen in months.

   "Hey Bryan, sorry but I'm off social media for a while now just doing the brew thing. Why are you looking at me funny?" she asks.

   "The brew thing? Not you too..."

   "Yeah, the brew thing. Me and my friends all do it. Sometimes at the end of the night if we have any brew left over we all try to see who can drink the most the quickest. Hey don't judge."

It is even worse than I could have ever imagined I think to myself. Or maybe I said it out loud. Still she continues...

   "When I'm not doing that Bobby has me flying all over the world working on these projects. We don't even worry about the superflu. His vaccinations are so much better than theirs. If you want I can see if you can come along for the next one later this month in New Orleans. I started a cult there but the plan all along was to wipe them out. The son of the main challenger to the Louisiana governor is in the cult. He's fun, but not smart. Do you understand?"

I nod along but am concerned because the dialogue she is reciting are lines I wrote for her in 2011. The Louisiana stuff is new, but everything up to that point is old including the references to Bobby. I'm Bobby!

After paying for her drinks I excuse myself and head over to Barter Bar or whatever its called to check out the scene. To nobody's surprise they didn't check my wristband. I purposely was not wearing mine, but rather had it in my pocket for the experiment. Barter was pretty full on the outdoor patio and around the bar, but the band section was light. There were no wristbands anywhere.

But there was some decent Slash. More on that later in the GNR section.

I jogged over to High Dive and was stopped at the door. "Ok, here we go," I thought.

   "ID please," the doorguy asks.

   "No no I'm only here for the music fest. I don't plan on voting," my feeble attempt at political humor falls flat, "Just kidding, here it is. I'm a journalist. Covering this for something. This is the Hamtramck Music Fest right? I'm here for the bands. Okay? Anything else you need? Good to go? Nothing else?" I was begging for him to ask me for my wristband. I almost offered to show it to him.

   "Nah, go ahead. Have fun."

No wristband checks. To save time later in this post, this happened at EVERY venue I stopped at during the Fest on Friday. Every one. Nothing much was going on at High Dive. I think more people were at the bar instead of watching whatever band was playing. The vocal recorder malfunctioned so I have no record, probably for the best.

When I got back to PLAV #10 Skippy had resurfaced but his can of prison brew was missing. I was not sure if it was lost or worse so I made sure not to bring it up but did have my can of mace I purchased from Harry's Army Surplus last year within reach just in case his parking lot experiment backfired and I had to spray the entire can of "Chemical Billy" into some savage's face.

Duende was playing upstairs and I had to catch a few songs as they are always pretty good. They would be good for Skippy whose only musical request of the night was "No fucking jazz". As soon as we got up there I saw that the t shirt girl was set up and was printing shirts. Well, not exactly because nobody was buying any which was sad because I thought the design was semi cool this year. Much better than those awful Prince rip offs a few years ago. I felt bad for her so I bought two, one of which I planned on listing on Ebay to help cover the cost of the wristband, drugs, gas, and other expenses. Duende was great as always even though their drummer despises me. It was sad that there weren't more people there. This is me at my most sincere and earnest. It really bummed me out.

They went from performing with JCM at a semi-packed May Days years ago in front of a crazed, twisted crowd.....

.....to this, performing next to a bathroom.

I had to get out before somebody called in a wellness check so we went to Polish Village to check out JCM Fan Club president, but not really, Mitchell Allen. Polish Village was also light on crowd although the HMF sound girl was very sweet and I plan on posting a "Missed Connection" after I get done with my Ebay listing. There were people there though, mostly musicians and those wanting to get away from the STD petrie dish Dear Darkness was cooking up at Whiskey in the Jar. The crowd here was more reserved aside from a table of four drunk girls (two maybes and two passes, a decent ratio for HMF on a Friday). I considered warning them to stay away from the chicken or pizza place's parking lot we parked at because Blowout, but fuck it. Chemical Billy and I (and Skippy who was fading) would be back there soon enough. Mitchell was great as always and it was really nice to see one of the true friends who are still chooglin' and not hiding or in fear. He didn't even mind the old hazmat suit prank. Nobody did. Sigh.

Skippy and I left soon after and he was already plotting on going to a strip club. 

   "Metro, you always attract the twisted ones, these total drug addict fractured creatures that have the best....drugs. Wanna go?" Before I could say yes he was fumbling for one of his scripts which helped make my decision.

   "No," I replied, "We should get you back." This has turned dark for me. We didn't speak much the rest of the way.

The next day I woke to a message from Skippy asking if I wanted to go back Saturday. I declined and decided I had everything I needed for my review: Light crowds. No wristbands. Little fun and less danger. Decent ratios. This was not my scene anymore. I decided to check out Suicide Squad instead.

It was fun! That's my review. A R-Rated Guardians of the Galaxy. The middle section dragged a bit, but the cast was obviously having fun which can be contagious, and it delivered when it needed to. As expected from a James Gunn helmed superhero film, the soundtrack was dated but memorable. There were really no weak links in the cast except for, shockingly, Harley Quinn. Her dialogue felt forced at times and limp. The character may have run its course, but no fault of the always game Margot Robby Starr. Her romantic subplot with the evil general killed the momentum. Avoiding spoilers, the ending was suitably over the top. Overall, it had traces of every superhero movie ever, The Expendables/Dirty Dozen, Watchmen (mocking Alan Moore's pretentious ending), and even Cabin in the Woods with the office people running the show. A solid B+

Sunday I met up with Wang Yellowbone and went to the Guns N Roses show down at Comerica. Sadly we missed Woodman and Bust Nuts performing on the street. I really would have liked to play the dollar bill trick on him and then ask why he was so quiet on the HMF front this year which I think is the real story. It was glaring. You can't say it was to let others have the attention because, once again, he was playing on the street before a Guns N Roses show. I love Woodman, always have always will, but I had to wonder why bother with this. Was it for attention? I didn't even see a guitar case or hat for money in the video I watched. Very depressing. The ghost of Detroit and the Friends of Bryan Metro (good band name) Decline and debasement continues. First Duende's bathroom set and now Woodman going from performing with a wild crowd with JCM at the New Way...

... to apathy on the street. This is like some bizarro Dickens novel.

Ye gods, baby baby baby we're really out of time.

Comerica was not as full as I expected. Wang and I were in the blowjob seats (I refuse to use "nosebleed"), but still had a great view.

The band was on point; amazing actually. Slash is an absolute master. Multiple times I had to stop and think why was he trying so hard. Duff looked to be in amazing condition for someone whose pancreas once exploded giving hope to us all, and his cover of The Stooges' "I Wanna Be Your Dog" was a highlight. Axl was good as well. I had my worries coming in, and he did struggle with "Live and Let Die" and "Knockin' on Heaven's Door", but was good to great on everything else. The best song of the night was "Double Talkin' Jive", an underrated gem that JCM once covered in 2011 at LJ's Lounge. Overall, a B+ show. Would see again.

So that's it. This post was a monster. I know, tl;dr, etc etc. Hope you enjoyed it and hope you got some insight in case you are one of the hundreds who missed everything this past weekend. The next post is the biggie. The Las Vegas Story. I'll try my best not to let you down. Not a prediction, but a spoiler. Oh, buy the merch. Cash me mah fah's.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro