Corktown Music Festival 2023 Friday Preview + Merch!

 From the National Affairs Desk-

*JCM Lavender Blog Policy: Just a yearly reminder, if you have any serious objections over any content here please go out of you way to contact me, and I will review the complaint and remove it.*

   Well it is once again summer in the city which means it is time for local summer fests!! You know, the one's where you can pop and bop from venue to venue throughout the night and sample around a hundred of the best local bands around. Wait, Blowout is no more you say? I actually knew that. We headlined the very last one. Wait, Hamtramck Music Fest may be gone as well? They are being very very quiet, and most likely finished.

   Thankfully, we have this July's Corktown Summer Music Festival Fri. July 7th-Sun. July 9th! Three day passes are $20 and single day passes are only $10. Nearly 100 bands across only two venues, Lager House and 2000 Brooklyn, which is right behind Lager House I am told. I've never been there. You may think the price point may be a little high, but the close proximity of the venues allows you a better opportunity catching some midnight intruder trying to hijack your car. It also benefits Girls Rock Detroit! Here's a little bit of info from their page. You can view their page here:

Girls Rock Detroit!

-They support empowerment through music programming for girls, non-binary, and transgender.

-Provides a safe space for LGBTQ youth to feel affirmed in their identities, and express themselves through music.

-Educate about social justice and build confidence.

-Help address gender disparity in the music industry.

Sounds pretty cool right? And what better act to have headlining Night One, Friday July 7th at the Lager House than us, the JCM!

I know what you're thinking and it probably starts with, "Oh No!", but leave that be for now, and let's preview the other acts playing on opening night, Friday (Saturday and Sunday will be future posts, so if you are playing then I will get to you...then). You know the drill. I search an act and preview one of their songs or videos, usually the one with the most traffic, but sometimes not. Oh, also, please note that the Lager House is only on Friday, but 2000 Brooklyn is for all three days. I guess Lager has a band from Nevada called Flamingos in the Tree playing Saturday. I previewed them as well, their song "Take Me By the Hand," and it was pretty awful. The video makes them come off as insufferable little poofs. Plus they're charging $20, the same amount as the 'more value' Corktown Summer Fest headlined Friday July 7th by JCM, AND benefits girls, non-binary, and transgender youth and adults. Anyway, on to the previews! For the full schedule, visit their page here:

Corktown Music Fest 2023

Friday July 7th

Lager House

Bitchkraft- Had some trouble finding content on them because there are multiple acts with that name, though they did play the last Punk Rock BBQ. My assistant, Sebastian Owl, is convinced they hate us. Great start!

3rd Degree Burns- "Highway Star (cover)"- They have a school of rock vibe. Can't wait to blow their minds. Pop! Although, they covered "Highway Star" which is cool.

Edison Hollow- "Body's Guest"- Pretty good song. Mild Queens of the Stone Age rip off, but hey, Greg Aubrey made a local career out of it.

The Plutophonics- Live at Tangent- Serviceable band fronted by a torch singer. Think The Firewalkers but with less Shag.

Pink Spit- I didn't find much actual content, but I did see that Johnny Lzr guy that has to be on everybody's friend's page plays with them, along with the geezer from Millions of Brazilians who stole Leah Deal from me.

L.M.I- I found a Facebook page of a band with the same name, but they play all across the country and I still haven't heard of them. They look like a standard metal/rock band. L.M.K if anybody has the inside scoop. That is my preview.

The Incurables- "Detroit Steel"- Well, we have the Romeo Flynn's 2.0. Serviceable and harmless.

Hairy Queen- "French Road"- Basic punk/thrash fronted by some guy who looks like Charlie LeDuff on steroids.

Sonic Smut- "Live as the Muggs"- Hope that their songs are better. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Ace of Wands- "Feminine Values"- Ace of Wands was my nickname in college. Anyway, these kids put some effort into the video, unlike 1000 local bands' vids of them  just walking around Woodward in Ferndale. Oh wait, this act is from Ontario. That explains it.

Jesus Chainsaw Massacre- The Detroit Music Award winning artists Brianna Metro, Elliot First, Petula the Freshman, Wang Yellowslash, and +/-jr can't wait to tickle your ear nipples. We will have a merch table as well. More on that later. Midnight, Friday, July 7th. For charity.

Friday July 7th

2000 Brooklyn

Barker & Broski- "Be My Baby Tonight"- Standard music, well-played and happy. Not as good as Jeff Jarrett's version though.

Kid Cooper Levy- "Kahleesi"- Standard Dylan-esque music, well-played and happy.

Memphis Hawk- "Tonight"- Standard music, well played and happy.

Kate Hinote Trio- "If I Should Go"- Very professional.

Sudden Death Syndrome- "That Face"- Harmless hip hop. Well played and dour.

Boomcat- Didn't find much on them, but they played the last Corktown Fest so they must be okay.

The Hourlies- I promised to be nice. They basically play every show. Not just every fest, but every show. They also have a new bass player. That is my preview. Subscribe to the JCM Gold Pass for all the goods.

Slowfoot- "Day Job"- Decent jam band. They put some effort into the video.

Bruised Reed- "Messed Up"- They seem to play every fest as well. Female-fronted twee rock. Can write a good song.

Whiskey Charmers- Mandatory they play every fest/weekend. I've previewed them before.

Elspeth and the Treatment- "Iconoclastic"- Well played and happy.

Modhouse- Electronic duo. Don't believe they have a DMA, but there's still time.

J Michael and the Heavy Burdens- "Easy Go"- Very professional and happy.

The Vag Arcadia- "Cold Hearted"- They have around the same amount of people as the JCM at full strength. Very professional and happy.

Strength Beyond You- I didn't find much, but while searching I did come across this. So there's that.

7 Layers- "You Got Fire"- Their bio says they are a mix of every genre you can think of. So there's that.

   Okay, that concludes the preview for Day One, Friday July 7th, of the Corktown Music Festival. You may notice that you don't recognize a lot of these acts which is unique. You won't see the likes of Jack White here.

I've spent years of previews complaining about the same acts performing at the same venues and the same Fests, so this is a good litmus test to see if the local scene will come out to try new things. If anything, I'm just glad I didn't have to preview Dear Darkness or The Handgrenades again. Also, it is for a good cause.

   Speaking of good causes let's move along to the Official JCM Merch Table, which also benefits a good cause. While the majority of the event sales are going to Girls Rock Detroit!, the Official JCM Merch Table's proceeds will be going to a different Girl Power cause, the Freebie Foundation. Unlike the Girl Power cause, a non-profit, the Freebie Foundation is totally for profit.

A while back, a local music personality had a health issue involving their liver. Too much drinking for too long finally caught up to them, and they had a medical procedure that also required a steady supply of meds. Thankfully, they made an above average recovery from "Death's Door" and is still creating art and stories to this day.

That person was me.

A while back, a local music personality had a heath issue involving their liver. Not sure what caused it, but thankfully it was corrected. Because, let's be real, even in this satire segment, you never want to see anyone sick, no matter how annoying they are. This person was assisted with over $10,000 through a GoFundMe. I was shocked. When I had my similar situation (which actually had the potential to be worse), nobody set up a GoFundMe, or anything like that. What got me through was the honest love and concern from the Honor Roll. You know who you are.

But, was I a little salty? You bet, and yeah, I probably made my usual "Where did all the money go?" and "Were the proper taxes paid for the funds received?" jokes, both jokey, but honest questions. I no longer care about the answers anymore. Life is too short to dwell on potential scams and grifts. When there's nothing left to do, except enjoy the view. When there's nothing left to do, I just smile. I'm just glad they are in recovery because, let's be real, even in this satire segment, you never want to see anyone sick.

Jump cut a few months, but still a while ago. I get a message whining about my honest questions. That part is fair. Some people are just built to whine. But then it got weird because after acknowledging the $10K gift, they went on to brag about how they get to go to California every now and then for free because of friends and family. And then after that they said that while in California they make thousands of dollars producing records that no one will ever hear. And then, to wrap it up, they had the nerve to ask if I was jealous. I'd post the entire message here, but I do respect private conversations.

So, was I? Sure. Who wouldn't be? Did their response come across as tone deaf and mildly ill-advised stupidity? I would say so. So yes, I am non-binary enough to admit I was a little bit jealous. But I also have lived a charmed life, and I have seen things many would kill to experience. And I earned (most of) it.

What I really wonder is what the majority of the local scene, many of whom are playing this Fest for free to benefit girls, non-binary, and transgender youth, many of whom far surpass many tone deaf has-beens in terms of creativity and especially talent, think about this person benefitting from the hard work of others. I'm sure that many playing this fest would love to have that kind of support that this Bug has gotten through the years. But for some people, it is never enough. There is always the next free vacation. There is always the next free clothes dump.

This is why all the proceeds from the JCM Official Merch Table will go directly to the Freebie Foundation because you can never get enough stuff for free. I'm pretty sure people like that/them won't be at this Fest because it doesn't offer any benefit to them. Well, unless the Fest falls on a week where they are fucking one of the acts playing, but life can be a lottery, and some people are always hitting the jackpot. It would be nice if they showed a sliver of integrity and make a donation to the Girls Rock Detroit thing. Show some courtesy, some sympathy, and some taste. But I wouldn't hold my breath. I'd end up back at Death's Door.

Stay tuned later this month for the Sat/Sun previews, along with a list of items that will be available at the JCM Official Freebie Foundation Merch Table.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Bryan Metro

Corktown Summer Fest- JCM- Revenge of the Giant Face

 From the National Affairs Desk-

Well, it has come to this.....

The JCM has been asked to headline Night One of this July's Corktown Summer Fest. The Corktown Summer Fest is a 2 day, or maybe 3 day music festival on July 7th, 8th, and maybe 9th. Right now only the Friday lineup is set and can be found via a search button. But the most important part of the Friday lineup has just been added. The JCM has been locked into the headlining spot at Lager House at 12 midnight on Friday July 7th. This will be our first show in a year, and second in 4 years.

The Corktown Summer Fest is a festival that benefits something called "Girls Rock Detroit", which I promise to look up before my official festival preview. I checked out the announced acts thus far and was impressed. With all of my festival previews, all I do is whine about how the same acts perform every time, but after viewing the 80+ bands listed for this I can say that I am not familiar with the majority of them. That could be a good thing. New blood. The local scene has been dead for years, and the same bands that play every fest have done nothing to energize it. This is a great opportunity for newer acts to get out there and plant their flag. Time to put the artifacts to sleep.

And that is where the JCM swoops in. I was talking to my valuable assistant Sebastian Owl, and I made a comment that aside from national/label acts, there is no other local act that has maintained the level of interest and notoriety by doing so little as us. I've said it for years, you have your boyfriend with the bad tattoos and even worse beard practicing every week, trying to make a difference, all for the same results, zero. And for (lucky) 13 years, the JCM has come out of hibernation and just given people fits. And we have been consistent. Our first major show was Blowout 2009, all hype. Our last show was the changing of ownership at the New Dodge 2022, packed.

So it has come to this. We will give the rub to all of the newer acts playing this festival by actually promoting it outside of FB event pages. Plus it benefits a great cause, Girls Rock Detroit, which I promise to look up soon. I will also have an official preview once the lineup is finalized.

One final note is that this show will coincide with the release of my second book, "Make Up Something," a thriller focusing on submissions from local artists, musicians, and writers. It's beautiful that some of them are actually playing at the Corktown Summer Fest. The book features over 12 short stories, essays, poems, or songs all tied in to a group of strangers, all with a secret, at a writer's retreat. I hope to have it available during the festival. I work....deliberate. Anyway, here's the first flyer!  Buckle up, and I'll leave you with my favorite line from the upcoming book, "Sometimes things end up like they are meant to be."

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro

Clue: A Detroit Compilation. The Island of Misfit Toys

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   The sun is slowly rising and I am smiling, but not because it is another day, I made it, a small victory, but because I have a very exciting announcement/project to make... A New Project.

   

   This project announced itself to me in a fever dream and it will need you, yes You, to help it out. Here is the premise:

The Premise

   I am asking for submissions from local artists, and I stress "Art", for a short story compilation. I want your unused, your cast-off's, your never were's. It can be any form, short story, a song, a poem, a forgotten blog post, a dream. I will take them and tie them all together in a phantasmagoric long-form wrap around story (written by me) which will involve a group of local creative-types, strangers,  assembling at a house that just might be near a beach and maybe at a pool for the purpose of telling stories as the sun goes down. 

   All of the contributors will be under aliases (unless they want to use their names) and it will be written as a modern day "Clue" where things start to unravel and some might disappear. But everybody who submits a piece will have their words intact (although I may spice some of them up).

   This is a serious project, and something not really done before around these parts which will give local artists a chance to see their words in print. It may take a while to edit (I already have 4 submissions before this post goes live) but I think it will be worth it. Most of the submissions are from people you probably know in the local scene along with one guy from Colorado who I have never met. On to The Offer...

The Offer

   What I am asking for is submissions. This is the important part. This is when you need to pay attention. This is Not a troll-job. This is not a scam. It is a legitimate effort to compile a group of wide-ranging local artists' work in one place. The Island of Misfit Toys. Every word submitted will be used, unedited, but some may have added "garnishes" from The Writer here. I am encouraging aliases to avoid any heat (is any remaining?), but if you wish to use your name I will respect that. The submissions could be anything from short stories, to a poem, to a song, to whatever you want it to be. Multiple submissions are welcome. We need to flesh this out. I have a publisher and will be in print once completed. We are not going to make any money off this, but it would be something cool to have in hand, the Physical Copy.

Disclaimer

   This is not a scam, cash grab, or other. It is, on the surface, a way for local artists to maybe get some of their projects, ideas, cast-off's out in the air (but anonymously ho ho ho). I don't care if you like me or hate me (or vice versa), feel free to submit any of your work to bryanmetro1@hotmail.com I promise it will remain anonymous unless you request otherwise. I feel this is a fun, exciting idea/project that could get people talking once March Madness is over. Send your work. Be somebody. 

The Boy Next Door,

Bryan Metro

If a Music Fest Fell in the Woods-Preview of Corktown Music Fest

 From the National Affairs Desk-

Hey all, Metro here. So I guess there's a "music fest" going on this weekend, The Corktown Music Festival. It is mid-week and the first I have heard of it. This possibly might be the worst promoted music festival I have ever tried to preview, and this really sucks because (they say) proceeds go to a good charity, 4 Paws, 1 Heart, an animal charity non-profit (it's legit, I checked). So, on a weekend that was dominated by Blowout way back when, we have 75 bands, multiple vendors, all in one area across five venues. Wristbands are $20 and include admission for both days. Seems like a good deal, an escape, a distraction from train derailments, troublesome Woody Harrelson monologues, and you not being able to read this because you still don't have power. I like it!!

Then why can't anybody explain to me how poorly organized the promotion for this festival is? They are advertising 75 acts along with close to 10 local vendors but can't come up with a single post containing a comprehensive schedule, maybe with a map, so that people paying $20 can maybe ummmmmmm actually plan their night. I am not clicking 60 separate facebook event pages just to piece together a schedule. If I was a band (who aren't getting paid) or a vendor (who aren't making money because NOBODY KNOWS WHERE THE FUCK YOU ARE AT) I would be furious. The entirety of the mysterious organizers'' promotion is facebook event pages. There are 10 of them. Add this to each band having their own event page and this is just embarrassing. There are over 60 event pages for this and not a single one contains the full schedule along with the venue locations, and where the advertised vendors will be.

I e-mailed the mystery people organizing this "fest" offering my services but have yet to receive a reply.

I did click on a few of the same cookie cutter event pages to see the acts playing. Another snoozefest. The same bands that play HamFest. 4 Paws, 1 Heart deserve better. So who is playing? How do they sound? Where are they playing? When are they playing? Do they even care? Do they even know where they are playing? Do they even know they are playing? Here are a few. Feel free to seek out the 60+ FB event pages instead of one easily-made event page to get them all...

Sick Smile- Not sure when they are playing.

Choking Susan- Not sure about details.

Burn Maralago- How do these failed theater geeks keep getting booked on these fests. They don't even have a band page. Probably because they have to protect their reputations at their real estate jobs.

The Hourlies- Probably should do a wellness check because they are not playing with Vellows.

Jesus, that's it. I'm not clicking on multiple event pages. If you need to get out, by all means stop in to one of the venues advertised, and play Russian Roulette. You may find a local gem that might be your new favorite band. Or you might run into 1magine who is actually booked for this and may accidentally protest the Fest but on the wrong day because there is no posted schedule.

That's it. That's my preview. My advice. Take your $20 and donate it to 2 Paws, 1 Heart, skip the festival and the same dull recycled local acts, and join me at a Twin Peaks where we can live bet the big games and check out a few hardbodies. Here is a link to donate to the charity. It is a good charity, and much better than Deastro begging for money on social media.

4 Paws One Heart

Local music festivals deserve better, used to be better, and I think there are multiple reasons for the decline, first and foremost the stagnant quality of local acts. It's the same acts, which was the case in the past, but at least those acts were at least interesting to some degree, gave me something to work with. With some soft rumors that Hamtramck Music Fest may be done, there has to be something. And to be honest Choking Susan in 2023 playing at a venue I couldn't even remember, is not the best business model. Sorry for the depressing post. I really tried. Support the charity. Support your roommate's band if you want. It does bring a smile to my face that in the end, I was right all along. Also, if a full lineup page gets posted after I roll this live on 11:45am Feb. 28th, then anybody who says nobody reads this site anymore, then the opinion is invalidated. Have fun. Whatever.

From the Iceman Commeth,

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro

The Riders of the Afterlife at Harpo's + a New Dodge Update

*This post is dedicated to Rudy, Joe P., Harbinger, K Pete, and N. Shneider*

Writer's Note- The following is a work of journalistic fiction. 70/30 fact/fiction ratio. Believe what you want to believe. It is whatever you want to believe. This is from the National Affairs Desk.

   I'm sitting down here in an ice storm aftermath wondering how hundreds of thousands of hard working households along with a few squatters (Hi there!) tossed in could be out of power after what was basically a glorified "wintery mix". I posed the idea that DTE should prorate everybody's already bloated electric bill to compensate for the outages. It received a few "likes" from people who aren't afraid to like my non-satirical posts. Hours later I received notification that somebody has tried to access my e-mail along with my Twitter, which hasn't been used in probably a year. I just laughed and muttered, "I want to see how much worse it can get," and went to my therapist's appointment. I've already gone off topic, even though the topic has not been established. The topic is just a clue, maybe a warning, maybe something else.

Before I get to the crux of this post, which is meant to be entertainment, an escape, I want to give an update on the New Dodge situation. They have officially posted that they are not pay to play which is cool, and I actually may believe it because they had karaoke on Paczki Day and a Wednesday house DJ. I did contact them for a comment (and to book JCM for a show there), and I also have an idea that they could, and should, bring me on as a "special consultant/counsel" for about $100 a week which is half of what the previous booker was making. I have not heard back yet. I really wanted to hit Hamtramck to cover Paczki Day, something I have never done, but I ended up sleeping in. I did see some pictures from New Dodge, that one bakery, and Smalls. The bakery seemed packed which is cool. New Dodge was a little ehhhhh "we might need a special consultant/counsel". And Smalls seemed okay but not as packed as previous years. I did catch some of The Strains set which mostly seemed to be covers (not a bad business model) along with local legend Hiawatha Boring and Woodman (of course). It was fine. Harmless. That's my local update. The following is an account of a show I actually attended in November of last year. It is meant for entertainment purposes, an escape, and I kept saying "I'll get it done, I'll get it done, I'll get it done," and as my ex wife will attest, I always keep my promises.

Free Speech in Hell- W.A.S.P show review at Harpo's Detroit

   "I have an extra ticket for you if you want... 40 years man. It could make a good post. I know you're not that big of a fan, but it'll be a real corker of a show."

   I am on the phone with my bootlegging Wizard, and Wise Man, Kentucky Pete who is trying to sell me on going to the 40th Anniversary Show of W.A.S.P at Harpo's (ugh) on Friday, which coincided with Veteran's Day. I had the day off, yet was still cautious. It seems lately, whenever I hang out with friends things seem to get a little out of control.

   "I'm not sure, man," I tell him, "Lately, whenever I hang out with friends things seem to get out of control.

   "It could make for a good post for your blog," he continues, unfazed, and my phone starts buzzing so I have to click off for a minute to take the call. It is JCM tambourine player Elizabeth First...

   

   "Are you fucking serious? You are going to do a blog post and not have me included in it? This is completely unacceptable," she shouts and I wonder how she found out about this post.

   "Well, I thought you would have no interest in seeing WASP at Harpo's," my only reply.

   "I am sitting in the morning at the diner on the corner and I am waiting at the counter for the man to pour my coffee," she says, "What else am I going to do?"

   "I can relate (what? I don't drink coffee)," is all I can say. She ignores my effort to empathize. 

   "And he fills it, but only halfway, and before I can even argue, he is looking out the window at somebody coming in. So, while trying to get a hold of you despite your obvious efforts of screening me, I open up the paper and there's this story of that actor who died while he was drinking and it made me think of you, but the actor was no one I heard of, so I turn to the horoscope and look for the funnies..."

   "Wait!" I interrupt, "Nobody says 'the funnies' anymore," I correct her.

   "Sorry Mr. Elite, I meant the comics. Blame the edibles. I feel that somebody is watching me ('Did you know that I am a spy?')".

   "Raise your head," my only offering.

   "There's a woman on the outside and I wonder if she sees me. No, no, she does not really see me because she is seeing her own reflection. This wintery mix will continue through the morning, and I'm listening to these bells of this cathedral, and I am thinking of your voice and of the midnight bonfire, once upon a time, before the rain began."

   "Finish up your coffee," I insist.

   "So, how are you going to work me into your next post?" she asks, "Hurry up, I have a train to catch."

   "I'm not sure. You weren't there."

   "Oh so 'She's not there'! Make up something. Make up something. Make up something, I promise you, you won't feel a thing at all" she chants into the phone and then it clicks off, and then I think "I won't feel a thing at all", and I switch back to Kentucky Pete.

   "You're missing out," he says.

   "Well, if you say so, okay, count me in, but tentatively, because I am going to need an angle. I can't just keep posting about me and the Crew and what trouble we get into, no matter how true and hilarious it might be because it could get tedious and because the local music scene is dead, I need to pick my poison," I say/whine.

   "I got it!" he replies, "Censorship. Keep in mind that WASP was blacklisted and attacked by the PMRC back then. The JCM is blacklisted in Detroit. It'll blow their minds. Pow!"

   Kentucky Pete was right. In 1985 WASP was labelled as one of the "Filthy Fifteen" (my nickname in high school), a moniker which aimed to censor, ban, and alienate teenage fan bases as part of something called "The Satanic Panic". I guess "Riders of the Afterlife" was taken. The consequences of this censorship and the weaponizing of fundamentalism had a severe impact on heavy metal. And what you think it meant to every outcast whose life was made harder for the expression that liberated them. Gosh, I could never imagine. Hysteria is dangerous (but a great 80's album). No promoters, even those at the New Dodge Lounge, could sell tickets, but a widespread demand from fans said otherwise.

   "Okay, count me in. You're damn right JCM has been blacklisted in every part of this town. Plus I like pro bono tickets.. That is the angle. Freedom of expression," I reply, both excited and worried.

   "Cool, the ticket is on me but we will need to take your Silver Hornet. I can't risk my car broken into at that dump by some linthead."

   "That should be okay. I will hook up the Growler", the high pitch alarm device designed to make them bleed from the ears.

   "Also, my buddy is coming. Don't worry, he'll be the muscle."

   "Perfect. I'll start to get ready," I reply and click off. It was time to give the people what they want.

   In reality, "getting ready" meant taking a half-assed shower and gathering up any military themed clothes/props I had, including a green t-shirt, my uncle's Korean War coat, a walker, and the American flag. I even went to the store and borrowed an eye patch. By this time, K Pete had found and messaged replica VIP passes for me to print and insert in my press pass lanyards. This took over an hour.

Because Kentucky Pete and the "muscle" were late picking me up so that we could switch cars, I decided to do a test run to ensure I could pass off as a veteran, bypass any lines, free drinks, maybe score some lines ho ho ho.

Finally, K Pete and the muscle arrived and we switched cars. I had already loaded the walker which was meant to be a surprise.

   "Metro, this is my buddy, Harbinger," K Pete says.

   "Harbinger?" I ask, but maybe not, "Is that like German?"

   "I dunno," Harbinger replies.

   "Okayyyyy, well for the rest of this episode we are going to call you Buddy. Is that cool with you?"

   "Cool with me. Whatever works," Buddy replies.

   "Metro, what is with the military motif?" K Pete asks as he takes a pull from a high octane cider I didn't notice he had.

   "Veteran's Day," I reply, "I figure we are going to tailgate and word is this thing is sold out which means they probably sold too many tickets and I don't plan on waiting in line in 30 degrees, plus wind, with a bad heart."

  "He has a bad heart," K Pete says to Buddy who nods, "Brilliant. But what are me and Harbinger going to do?"

   "You two are going to be my sponsors. It's fool proof," my explanation.

   "We're going to hell."

   "Yepp, we'll be there in 15 minutes according to the GPS."

   "Hell?" Harbinger/Buddy asks, starting to get concerned.

   "It's whatever you want it to be," I turn and say, no longer watching the road, and then ask K Pete how he was able to secure the money to get tickets for the three of us.

   "The candle business," his reply.

   "What?" my reply.

   "I've been selling candles on Etsy. I make them myself. I take all of the fat that I drain from the ground beef, and steak, and pasta, and toss a wick in it after it solidifies. I give them clever names. It's actually very disgusting."

   "How do you not get busted?" I ask, genuinely interested because I am always looking for a big break.

   "I have over 15 accounts. I just shut them down after I make the sale. All the Fat Candles are shipped from the house on Parkwood so they'll never find me," he explains, and I may be on board with this scam.

   We arrive just as the VIP portion is starting. After 10 minutes (and one unfortunate curb jump), along with a few more high octane ciders for K Pete and Harbinger/Buddy I finally find a parking spot only three blocks away. We decide to skip trying to use the bootleg VIP passes that I spent an hour working on at the official meet and greet because we saw where the tour buses were parked.

   "We probably should have another round," K Pete offers, so we spend the next 45 minutes having another round as the line grows longer and longer. I had never seen so many people at Harpo's. I receive a message and fear it may be from Elizabeth First ("Where are you?") but it instead from my trustworthy assistant Sebastian Owl, which oddly unnerves me more.

   "Keep your eyes open. Zoe V. might be there," the message said, ominous, a warning, checking all the boxes. Zoe is a figure from the past who most likely despises me, but also might possibly be in love with me, and looks okay in a bikini. I make a mental note to keep an eye out for her, for multiple reasons that K Pete and Buddy did not need to know about and decided it was time to lurk around the tour buses.

   After pissing for the seventh time, K Pete heads out to take point. It was then that I brought out the walker, our Ace Card.

   "Brilliant," K Pete says, "That is a thing of beauty. Where did you score that?"

The walker was from when I was in detox a few years ago. My legs had atrophied (?) and I couldn't walk. Insurance paid for it. Karma is creeping in.

   "I got it at a garage sale," I lie and we head to the buses, and this is when K Pete inexplicably stops in the middle of the road and starts waving the fake VIP passes around. The staff immediately responds.

   "Sir, you are going to have to leave," the stooge says.

   "I'm VIP. Got the pass right here," K Pete says as I grab Buddy/Harbinger and move us into the shadows.

   "You are in the street," the staffer says.

   "I'm in the middle of the road?" K Pete asks, but not really a question, and then I have an eerie flashback, and this is the point I decide to jump into action. I flip open the walker and toss on the eye patch and explain to the security that this man is my sponsor (by this time I have adopted a handicap persona).

   "Sir, your sponsor is obviously drunk. Please just go."

They let us leave without calling the cops, who actually were just around the corner, but wouldn't have responded anyway.

   "These VIP passes are useless. We took too long, man," K Pete says, obviously transitioning from the manic stage of drunkenness to the introspective one. And of course what happens after that is the chaos. I try to avert this as long as possible.

   "Let's sell them. I have around twenty. Did you see the line back there?"

   "Brilliant," his lone reply, as he takes a swig from the can I did not see in the middle of the road, and we head back to the front of the building where the line has not moved, but there is money to be made. K Pete gives Buddy a handful of the fake VIP passes and Harbinger begins to sell them, but at a discount, to these waterheads in line who immediately leave to go to the back where the tour buses are and I start cackling because the line is finally moving. Harbinger returns.

   "I think we should split. Those people are going to be pissed," he says.

   "We'll be fine. The line is finally moving," I reply.

   "I've been down a river of sadness before," Harbinger says, ominous, and K Pete interrupts the dread with more dread.

   "Why didn't you invite your tambourine player, Debbie Schaffer? She likes free speech," he asks and I shudder as my phone vibrates at that very moment. It is Amy from back in L.A.

   "You fucking suck," was the simple text and I don't reply because it might be true.

   "Her name is E First, not Debbie Schaffer, and no one told her about it."

   "Then how did she know?"

   "Why should I care?"

   "I don't think the three of us have ever hung out at the same time," he claims and I am momentarily confused because he might be right.

   "Enough," I snap, hiss, "Grab Harbinger. The line is moving. We need to get in there before those people start coming back. When you work hard to do something right you don't want people to forget it."

   I put on the eyepatch and we jump the line using a combination of the disabled veteran with a walker, two sponsors, and a fake phone call just to be safe. Harbinger is not used to the "hustle" and he is sweating profusely.

   "We made $50 on those fake passes," Buddy/Harbinger says as we get past security, an actual small victory. His confidence has returned and I start to get optimistic which actually worries me even more.

   "Perfect. Then drinks!" I exclaim, command, frothing, but then turn around to see that Kentucky Pete has changed into his "Uncle Jasper" costume which he must have had the entire time.

The Uncle Jasper costume

The Uncle Jasper costume is an alternate persona that Kentucky Pete sometimes uses just to throw people off, make some potential psychopath with a sidearm think that "Hey, there might be somebody here that's even more crazy than me," but I really think he just uses it because he has no plans to wait in a line for the bathroom.

   Because of my walker we are allowed to jump the ridiculous line at the bar. This is when things get bad. WASP is still 30 minutes from starting...

   "Pal, you switched your eyepatch," K Pete says, "It's on your other eye. A minute ago it was on your right eye; now it's the left. They are going to catch on. Wait, you forgot to wear it when we were in line. We are completely doomed."

   "Jesus Christ, I can't see shit. What do you want from me?" I shout.

   "Hey man, you a vet?" a stranger asks.

   "Yes," I reply, hesitant at first, but then an absolute demon.

   "I really respect what you've done," the stranger says.

   "What? The Detroit Music Award?" I ask completely drunk and confused. The stranger understands.

   "Hey this one's on me," he says, and Harbinger leaves the line, possibly weeping.

   "Actually, I was in Nam and Korea. Can you make it two?" I ask.

   "Why not," the stranger replies and K Pete leans into me and mumbles, "Absolutely shameless."

   After we secure our spots (very decent thanks to the walker), I head back to the bar and pull the same veteran ploy and get us even more cool drink, too much, and K Pete devours it all.

   "Hey you lost your eyepatch," Harbinger notices. I had indeed lost my eyepatch but I just giggle, and things are about to go off the rails.

   "Maybe we should have just gone to a strip club instead," I say to K Pete and Buddy, actually believing myself, but K Pete has the Rage, the Crazy Eyes. He has consumed all of the drink I had grifted earlier and now in addition to the eyepatch, I have lost the fucking walker.

   "You lost your eyepatch," K Pete says, ominously as WASP starts to play, "I need more drink."

   "Great observation. We're not going to last five songs," I plead.

   "Hey Buddy!" somebody shouts and Buddy jumps, sweating.

   "How do they know me here?" he asks.

   "Hey buddy," somebody asks, a different person. Harbinger/Buddy is in a dark place with the Fear.

   "I'm just wishing my whole life away," he mutters.

   "Easy living," K Pete adds, not really helping.

   Buddy walks away, sulking, and somebody else yells, "Hey buddy!", and he doesn't stop and just shakes his head.

   Jump, flash cut, and K Pete is also gone, vanished, which is more of a concern because all of the remaining drink I had borrowed are also gone. I then get a text from E First. Of course, because I keep all my promises.

   "I've been down the river of sadness," is all it says.

   "Well, I've gone down the river of pain," I reply, now getting frustrated.

   "That was my nickname in college," she says, laughing, and then abruptly clicks off. I sit listening to the dead line and that is when I see the chaos, the altercation, the beginning of the end for this night.

   Kentucky Pete is being escorted, no dragged, to the lobby. He is vastly incoherent and Harbinger/Buddy, the supposed "muscle" has disappeared again. The security staff sit K Pete in a chair in the lobby to try to calm him down and I wonder why they didn't just kick him out. It's not like we were paying for drinks anyway.

   "Shouldn't you just remove him," I suggest because I just want to get home at this point and this is when WASP begins their fifth song, an omen. This is the part where K Pete snaps and jumps up and starts throwing chairs. I am looking around for any type of help and see Harbinger running to the scene carrying the walker I guess I left somewhere.

   "We Are Leaving!" I shout, but they have already tossed K Pete outside. The bartender notices the walker and shouts, "This guy has been getting free drinks all night. He can walk. He don't need no walker!" Yes, we are definitely leaving.

   Harbinger and I rush out the front, me cackling, him possibly sobbing, and we carry K Pete, who was lying on the sidewalk, back to the Silver Hornet.

   "So, what was your take on the show?" I ask, a stab at a real conversation.

   "It was frustrating. I kept hearing 'Hey Buddy' and I thought is was you guys but it wasn't. Why did you pick Buddy for my name?"

   "I can't answer that," I reply because I actually forgot why we picked that name. Jump cut and we are on the road.

   "I lost my phone," K Pete says, finally waking up.

   "Oh Jesus Christ," I shout, frantic, "If somebody finds that, with all the messages, we are completely doomed. That's it. Fuck it. I'm not going back. I deserve this," I am shouting.

   We get back to the JCMsTown Compound and I deposit a semi-lifeless K Pete into his car while Harbinger fiddles with his phone, and then K Pete springs to life...

   "Wait, it could be in your car, might have fallen out," he slurs as he attempts to enter the Silver Hornet. Of course this sets off the Growler, which is the audio/sensory device I have installed to prevent Midnight Intruders from breaking into the car. The high end side effects from this custom device are bleeding from the ears and mild seizures. We all grab our ears, in absolute pain as every light on the street turns on and everyone else is clutching their heads and then I start to see squirrels falling from the trees and birds are flying away but not in time, and Sebastian Owl, the loyal assistant, is shouting out the window, "What is the matter with you?"

   We finally turn off the Growler and Harbinger drives K Pete back to Harpo's where he gets his phone (Buddy had tracked and located it before the Growler incident killed the entire neighborhood). It turned out that the phone was actually left on stage (How? No clue. The VIP passes? The missing walker?), and the phone was recovered by the bass player from WASP, Mike Duda (thank you btw), so in the end K Pete actually got that meet and greet. Funny how things sort themselves. I ended up in bed, looking at my Senior Year High School Yearbook wondering what happened to everybody. And then I found out. But that is for another post.

From the Iceman Commeth,

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro

Last Tango at the New Dodge-Part 1: A Litany of Requests

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Hey crew, Metro back. I hope everyone had a fun Super Bowl weekend. I broke even at the Sports Desk so whatever, but now that Football Season is over we need to get back to reality. Yes, trains and trucks are flipping over releasing hazardous chemicals into the air, and UFO's are being spotted everywhere, and mass shootings continue to happen, but the last post regarding the New Dodge Lounge was the most clicked post since our retirement show last year which was at... the New Dodge Lounge. All a simulation. I don't mean to discount or slight the latest news cycles, especially the horrific shooting at MSU, but I feel that everyone has gotten their fill, said what's on their mind, and might just want an escape. I have to stress, I don't get paid to write here. We make no money off this. We are too lazy to enable ad's for ad dollars. Nobody buys our music. So, it is time to cash in.

   I, and the JCM, have been contacted by possibly the New Dodge about possibly coming out of retirement and doing a show there. Basically, they might be trying to call our bluff, that isn't a bluff, but plays like a bluff. Here's the deal: Nobody goes to a JCM show for the music. If they dare show their face it is to see what kind of madness occurs. What is the theme going to be? What is the stunt? Who gets the "Augie/Hard Lessons/Carolin Kicked Out of a Show Memorial spot"?

   I have said it before, but the JCM does not draw bodies or social media "likes" (unless it is a Blowout or a Hamfest where we usually do quite well). Many people, many being friends, don't really want to be linked to us by clicking a "like" button, or, gasp, be seen at a show. People have been doxxed and called out for that very reason (Hi former Metro Times writer Callwood!). We are okay with this. For 16 years (!) we have never cared about making this a career. We just wanted eyes, wanted to influence the "scene" (whatever that means), wanted to get people talking, wanted to see how worse it can get. So, it is time to cash in.

   Quick recap- The New Dodge Lounge is under new management. The JCM has never had a bad time at the New Dodge Lounge. My gut feeling is that the new owners may have thought that owning and running a bar/venue in our "beloved enclave" of Hamtramck would be a prosperous endeavor. However, the new owners may not have realized that the local scene has been D.O.A. since around 2016, and lets not use the pandemic as an excuse.

   The new owners, let's be fair here, "entertained" the idea of having the acts playing sell tickets for their own show, and if not, pay a $150 fee to the venue. This is a business model that hasn't been effective since 2007, and even then only for local acts wanting to hop on a bill with a national touring act. I love the New Dodge, but Franz Ferdinand, even 2023 Franz Ferdinand, is not going to be playing the New Dodge. This is covered in full in the previous post. There was some blowback, lil bit, some people resigned, some bands dropped out, and the morons at the Metro Times did a puff piece trying to placate all parties, but instead put out the most vanilla piece of journalism of the year thus far (although Jeff Milo is always waiting in the wings). *Update!!!!

  So the New Dodge, or at least somebody claiming to be from the New Dodge, decided to call our bluff, that isn't a bluff, but plays like a bluff, and invite the JCM to play a show. Now that we are caught up we can get all present day with our response. The JCM is considering it, so much so that we have come up with a list of deman.....errr requests, a "rider", in order for us to play. Before I get to them I want to say one more thing regarding the New Dodge; I dig the place. I also understand if bands want to drop out. However, I do Not agree with anybody calling for a boycott of the venue. Just stop. No. Just stop. That is just stupid and is hurting the bands that are playing there. This isn't 2020; take that nonsense to Chicago or something. That said, it is time to cash in.

JCM's Rider For Playing the New Dodge in 2023

*Disclaimer- It sucks I have to do these disclaimers but the following is 80% satire, 20% truth. If anyone has an issue with anything in it, feel free to e-mail the band at bryanmetro1@hotmail.com and I will remove anything you may have found offensive. The request list is actually a "greatest hits" of some of our favorite subjects, most of whom the new owners won't even recognize, but the Constant Readers might have a laugh. Okay, lets goooooo!

1. We are Not selling tickets.

2. As referenced in the previous post, we need to be buffered by acts that draw actual bodies based on their music. We will bring the smoke but the best JCM business model for...errrr, business they will be depended on for the music. We'll take care of the rest.

3. The JCM must have final sign off on the bill. Also, the bill will need to have a clever title, something like "Revenge of the New Dodge". That one was for free, anything else will need bonus bucks.

4. If we were curating the show, our preferred lineup, one that was curated by JCM core members Bryan Metro and -jr, would be some permutation of Sisters of Your Sunshine Vapor, The Beggars, Duende, Vazum, The Strains, any act with the chick from White Shag in it, Vellows, or the Hourlies.

5. Further lineup deman....requests: Both the Hourlies and Vellows cannot play. It can only be one as they seem to play every show together. Also, if The Strains are included there must be a clause where they agree to drop out a week before the show to drum up word of mouth and a replacement will be added (as long as it is not both The Hourlies and Vellows). Caveman Woodman and Drip Drip can do a pop-up set outside the venue, but we have other ideas for him.

6. The JCM goes on second from last. This is non-negotiable.

7. The show can only be held at or after the end of March due to logistics and scheduling.

8. We would like a space set aside for the Eugene and Hamtramck Music Fest Tax Advice Booth.

9. We would like to take a 15 minute break in between sets for a "What Dat Mouf Do?" vegetable-throating contest hosted by special guest MC Big Chicken.

10. We would like to request Greg Aubrey as the sound guy for the evening, but only if he agrees to give gluten-free explanations of the sound set-up in between sets as long as he doesn't interfere with the "What Dat Mouf Do?" competition mentioned above.

11. We would like space set aside for my personal bootlegger and Wizard, Kentucky Pete to set up his official stolen/bootlegged merch (10% to the venue for risk purposes).

12. We would like for Lee M. or Record Store Kid (only if the Hourlies aren't playing) to work the door checking ID's so nobody sneaks in without paying.

13. This was one of the most requested requests, which makes it a little too obvious: The M & M's. But it has to be included, but with a twist. Instead of having all the brown M & M's removed (this isn't 1968) we would like for every color to be represented equally.

14. Out back, we will need a Hamtramck Steve dunk tank. Moving on.

15. We will have to touch base and mend fences with unknown local hip hop artist 1magine to stage a protest for the show for not including any hip hop acts. But he would have to do it on a day when the venue is closed.

16. We will also need a space for the Lisa James Kissing Booth/Tent/Pavillion. It is preferred that this space not be close to the sound guy area.

17. We will need a section of the venue set aside for a Sheefy McFly art exhibit where you can view/purchase various Keith Haring tribute portraits.

18. There will be a need for food. We will need a BBQ grill with a 10 lb bag of Kingston easy light charcoal for the sidewalk hot dog stand. The stand will be run by Ben Collins and will only serve hot dogs.

Woodman will be the barista but only when he is on break from his sidewalk pop-up. The food is to be provided by Hip in Detroit.

19. We will also need to secure an agreement with the Checkers across the street for bottomless fries for Metro, -jr, and Asian bass player Wang.

20. And just because he needs the work, in addition to working the hot dog stand, Woodman can also host a pumpkin carving pop-up. But outside! Far outside. No knives will be provided.

21. Also outside, but farther down the street, we will need a space for the tambourine player Elizabeth First's abortion clinic/dispensary combo.

22. Back inside, we will need space for the George Morris time out/sleep zone, preferably far away from the stage. George Morris not near a stage plz.

23. We will need a safe space for the Ryan Allen/DJ Marcie Bolan (who hopefully would also spin during the "What Dat Mouf Do?" segments) Booster Booth. It is possible that during the JCM set people may want to leave and maybe go to, like Smalls, which has a proof of vaccination mandate. Oh wait, they don't any more? Weird. What happened/changed? Maybe we can scratch this request then (lose Allen/keep Marcie). I'm sure most of our audience has worse viruses to worry about anyway.

The Ukraine flag was a nice touch. In Vegas we would call that a social media parlay.

24. We will need a space sectioned off for the Queen Kwong Photo Booth. Caveat- Only tasteful photos please. $5 surcharge for a Metro appearance in the photo as he will be hovering around most of the time.  [Promo photo has been REDACTED]

25. We will need a space near the new arcade games for the Sadoffsky E-Girl Booth to discuss video games and pop culture in case you are bored with the music.

24. Finally, none of JSB's 7 bands until proof can be provided that the WAB employs a person of color.

So that about does it for our requests; not entirely unreasonable. Some are negotiable, but others are ironclad. Which are which? One day you may know. I would like to close with three things...

A- One of my favorite moments doing this was around 2017 when I received a direct message from somebody in a local band. I did not know them personally nor follow their band. They said, "You ribbed us, totally ripped us. We have officially made it!" It was sincere, even a little touching. So everything up there is mostly a rib, some harder than others. Deal with it. The most read local music site is talking about you.

B- Support your local artists, even if they hate us, and/or we find them insufferable. Support your local venues as well. Boycotting accomplishes nothing and is a cancer. We don't need the city to become as emaciated as the current print copy of the Metro Times.

C- And the most important thing is to just have fun. It's not that difficult. Actually, that may not be true. People tend to prefer to be miserable these days. If you are one of these people this show is not for you. Actually, it might be. Maybe. Anyway, thanks for reading!

Oh wait! I almost forgot. As I said earlier, I don't make any money from this site, but if you do want to support local art, my debut novel "The Invisible People" is out now and available for sale.

 There are some other books out there by local artists, and by all means seek them out if you want, but if you want to help support the site and this local artist feel free to seek it out at TheBookPatch.com or at this link:    The Invisible People

It is priced reasonably at $13 and the distribution is directly through the publisher. I don't have stacks of books laying around to be shipped out. I do not receive any personal information about anybody who buys it, so don't worry about that either. It is a weird book, fiction, part drama, thriller, comedy but not a comedy, romance, faux-romance, and horror story. Back in 2010 people said I would never come out with a book, but I did after all. Anyway, I'm starting to ramble and the sun is starting to rise. See you soon. Maybe...

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro

Fear and Loathing On Paczki Day- What is Happening With New Dodge

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   The sun is starting to rise which is usually my cue to lay down and sleep until 3, but I have been stewing all day because the scum also rises, and I am trying to come up with a lede/lead for this post. Ehhh whatever, let's just jump right into it....

What the hell is going on with the New Dodge Lounge in Hamtramck?

Jump, flash cut, to yesterday afternoon, around 3, and I wake up to multiple messages regarding the Metro Times article regarding the New Dodge Lounge housed in our beloved "enclave" of Hamtramck, MI, USA. I groaned, hit the snooze button, screen a call from Kentucky Pete asking when the hell I am going to post the review of the W.A.S.P. show from last year, but I still couldn't fall back asleep. The thought was racing through my head, "What the hell is going on at the New Dodge?"

Okay, so if you are new to the dance, last year the New Dodge underwent a change of ownership. I don't have every single bit of the logistics but basically the booker left and the owners threw up their hands and decided to sell. This was after a D-list nobody named 1magine tried to shut them down because his hip hop showcase was moved. (Update, the waterhead was never heard from again). The owners said, "Fuck this" and sold, the booker took a leave, and then the JCM stepped in to play the final show, and our final show, under the old ownership of the New Dodge.

Full disclosure- I've never had a bad time at the New Dodge. The location is optimal, very close to a JCM staple, Checkers. We have played there multiple times and were always treated well. The below average sound system actually played to our advantages. But we are retired and the times they are a changin'.

Okay, let's cut to the chase. The current controversy is that the new owners wanted to implement a "pay to play" deal, the death knell of anyone who plays music. Bands weren't happy, employees weren't happy, and I'm not happy because it's Super Bowl weekend, the end of football season, and I am writing.

Anyway, even the corpse of the Metro Times decided to write about it, in the most vanilla way possible. To be fair, they basically did most of the leg work for me so I am going to give the link here. I hate linking to the Metro Times because it gives them ad dollars and actually this site probably gets more hits than them anyway, but take a minute to read this. It comes off as fair on the surface, giving all parties a chance to state their case. But sometimes you need to slide down the surface of things. Here is the link (Metro Times, the check better be in the mail):

Half-assed Article

Okay, done? Yes, very vanilla. After ripping on the New Dodge's "reputation" they gave both sides a chance to state their case. That's fine. I have no problem. The business is to make money. What grabbed my attention was some of the direct, published, quotes, that called it "just a misunderstanding". Or was it? This is the point in the game where you should start paying attention.

The Metro Times, despite being a dying entity, did an okay job on their post. It was fair to both sides (a signature of stellar journalism), but they left out one glaring detail. And that is where I swoop in to pick up the scraps. I have acquired the e-mail that was sent from the New Dodge management. Here, have a look. Lavender Blog Exclusive:

Okay, done? Not very vanilla, and a bit to unpack. Here is my issue: I know for a fact that the Metro Times had a copy of this e-mail before they published. They even cherry-pick and reference it. My issue is that the Metro Times posted a direct quote, published, from the co-owner, and I quote, "We are not a pay to play place." despite having an actual document that says (and I quote), "Bands that are booked for Fri. & Sat. have to commit to selling at least 30 tickets; the absolute minimum". And then, regarding the "off-nights", they say, "Bands pay $150 out of pocket or bring their own speakers/equipment for no charge." And then there's this beaut: "They are welcome to put out a tip jar." Ummmm, what? Gross.

With that out of the way, based on the e-mail, how is that not "pay to play"? Why did the Metro Times, who had the e-mail, not at least inquire about the e-mail to produce a completely fair take? But let's face it, the Metro Times is the equivalent of a tapeworm at this point; skinnier than me.

So, we're back at the start. Where/what is the lede/lead? I think it goes both ways. In the article I referenced above, Paul from The Strains, the band that dropped out of Paczki Day, said, "I want to see local venues succeed". I agree. This is not a New Dodge burial. I want them to thrive. I like the place. But this just seems like Tom Gores buying the Pistons and not knowing what to do with it. It sucks because every venue has their issues. Smalls is going to make bank on Paczki Day and this is after implementing a vaccine pass/negative test mandate that was quietly removed despite being open (backdoor/parking lot) during the lockdown.

I want the New Dodge to succeed and I want the new ownership to realize that you are not going to make any money in Hamtramck unless you live in Dearborn and are well versed in real estate. Your best, and safe, bet is just to break even. Create some memories. Ahhhh okay, we have our lede/lead finally:

The local scene is dead. It sucks (the fact, not the local scene), I know, but there is no way you can swing a pay to play paradigm at this point. It is not 2007. The local scene here has been dead probably since around 2016 when we put the stake in the Metro Times Blowout. It is unfair to expect bands that don't promote themselves outside of Facebook posts to rescue it. There are bands out there that are trying, god bless them, like The Strains, who seem to play every fucking weekend and pollute my timeline, and then there's the Hourlies and Vellows who have a clause that they can only play with each other (no pun), but the reality is this is stagnant. Who is going to rise up? JSB? He's had 7 opportunities to break through. Swing, miss. Ryan Allen has been writing the same song for the past ten years. Woodman is lovable but a novelty regulated to doing pop-up shows, Jack moved out of town, and Jason is working in real estate.

So where does that leave us? Easy answer: The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre. Here is the call to action. New Dodge, by now I know I have your attention. Let's put it to the test. JCM on a Friday or Saturday. We're not selling any tickets. We wouldn't be able to sell 30 anyway, but if you pack the lineup, we will waive our appearance fee, especially since we are retired. It worked out well with the Orbitsuns. We're not selling shit, but what I can offer you is word of mouth. That is what I am giving you here, and that just might be more valuable than a drink ticket.

So to close, Metro Times grow a pair, local acts for god's sake do better, New Dodge sort it out, and for one more time....Best in the Woooorrrld.

From the Iceman Commeth,

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro