Bryan Metro's 31 Days of Halloween List

 From the National Affairs Desk-

One quick take to appease the local Constant Readers. Since nobody really cares about the local scene anymore, allow me to give local nobodies The Orbitsuns a rub. I recently got into a little bit of a "tift" with them because I made some harmless joke about the has-been from Sponge having to always wear a hat these days because he's losing his hair. Petty? Yes. Stupid? Yes. Unnecessary? Sure. But I was bored. They didn't like it, and the usual "He's a bully" brigade came out of course. Here is their official response:

 Hmmmm, ripping on my readership is par for the course, too easy, and always wrong. Whoever runs the Orbitsuns FB account probably has as many brain cells as Vinnie has hair follicles. It has never been about getting "likes". I think the lack of likes is a badge of honor because I monitor the readers, even though I make no money off this site. If we would have enabled advertising a decade ago, we'd be sitting on a gold mine. The reason why people don't "like" individual posts is because if some maroon haired white knight sees that "like" then they will flag that person as someone who agrees with us and rip their band, restaurant, anything as being a supporter of whatever hot button topic that week's is.

And here's another gem. They made a point to bring up the "hit pieces on dead people". That grabbed my attention for a few reasons. One, I assume they are referring to Rodriguez and the posts I made around the time of his passing. Two, I forgot I had taken them down for editing, along with the requests to put them back up. They are now back up. Three, The Orbitsuns just might have been a little salty because they played the Weekend at Rodriguez's birthday show. You know, the show where they knew he was in poor health. And here's the best part. The Orbitsuns got paid to play the show. Now as a tribute, a celebration, a real wild time for somebody who has lived a life, I think just playing it would be enough of a rub. Pro Bono, y'know? But no, The Orbitsuns accepted money for playing that show. Just gross.

Finally, the JCM did a show with them last year when the New Dodge was changing ownership. There was zero interaction (probably because -jr and a lit E First were present). They pulled the whole "not supporting any other local acts and load in 10 minutes before our set" routine. We just made fun of them the entire time. And yes Vinnie was wearing the hat. Do the math, the Orbitsuns are archaic, has-been frauds. Now let's get to the fun stuff.

Hey all, Metro here. I can't believe it is already October. What really happened with the summer? Nothing happened. Well, aside from the Corktown Music Festival that we headlined that raised thousands of dollars for Girls Rock Detroit. But yet, we are still the bad guys. I'm fine with that. But holy smokes, not only is summer over but we are already in to October! Which means that my social media timelines have been inundated with "My 31 Days of Halloween" movie lists. And hey, I love it. Sometimes, I find a hidden gem that I haven't seen. So that is basically the crux of October's Lavender post. Bryan Metro's 31 Days of Halloween. I hope you find a few hidden gems in here. Who doesn't dig a good spook now and then. Enjoy the season!!

Oct. 1st- Philadelphia- Tom Hanks stars in a virtuoso performance of somebody with AIDS.

Oct. 2nd- Schindler's List- Liam Neeson stars as this guy who saves a bunch of Jewish people while Ralph Fiennes does his best to try to kill all of them.

Oct. 3rd- Hoop Dreams- Hey, Oct. 3rd! That's my birthday! And what better way to celebrate it with an acclaimed documentary about some guys who wanted to play basketball and nothing really happens.

Oct. 4th- Caddyshack 2- Jackie Mason is so unfunny in this movie it is horrific.

Oct. 5th- Kramer Vs. Kramer- Such a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of getting married and having kids.

Oct. 6th- Dallas Buyer's Club- Another movie about this guy who has AIDS. Added bonus is the insight about the pharmaceutical industry. Horrific.

Oct. 7th- Toy Story 3- This movie made Eli Roth cry. Nuff said.

Oct. 8th- Freddie Got Fingered- Some have called this the most horrific movie ever made. I find it hilarious. My ex sat stone-faced while watching it. After 15 minutes she exclaimed, "I don't understand how you can find this funny." Call me Quincy.

Oct. 9th- Leaving Las Vegas- A terrifying look at the effects of alcoholism and fantasizing about vintage Elizabeth Shue. This is a movie I cannot relate to.

Oct. 10th- No Holds Barred- This Hulk Hogan feature features a scene where one of the baddies shits themselves. This entry is for K Pete. Love ya.

Oct. 11th- Turner and Hooch- This film has one of the most horrific endings especially if you are a kid. K-9 starring Jim Belushi is 10 times better.

Oct. 12th- 12 Years A Slave- A true horror movie if you were ever a slave.

Oct. 13th- Rocky 5- Truly horrific what happened to the franchise after 1-4. Even Stallone gave it zero stars. I did enjoy the bare knuckle fight between Rocky and Tommy Morrison at the end.

Oct. 14th- Death Wish 3- It really is horrifying how an entire city in modern times can consist of a few citizens and the rest being punks throwing poor Martin Balsam off of a balcony. Granted for some reason he had a grade-A helicopter gun, but still.

Oct 15th- National Lampoons Vegas Vacation- Not exactly true horror, but when Clark loses all of his money and has to go to the cheapjack casino on the outskirts of town...well, let me say that is scarier than being possessed by Pazuzu.

Oct 16th- Brian's Song- Dude gets cancer and dies.

Oct. 17th- Kids- The horrors of kids in the 90's. Also AIDS. Also I bet the set had a great "catering" area.

Oct 18th- Showgirls- I tried to keep this list mostly horror movies but I had to include a comedy. I remember sneaking in to see this at Star Fairlane (ha like they have security) in 1995. As a fan of Elizabeth Berkley's work let me tell you, I got every penny's worth.

Oct. 19th- Punisher:Warzone- Come for the deep character insight. Leave with some of the most ridiculous death scenes in film. I highly recommend this movie.

Oct. 20th- Flesh Gordon- My pops had this on VHS and one day I popped it in. It ended up being the pornographic version. I was 8.

Oct. 21st- The Rules of Attraction- For any of the Constant Readers who have ever gone to college you know what I mean.

Oct. 22nd- Beyond the Mat- An actually pretty good documentary about wrestling where some guys who just wanted to play basketball and nothing happens. Oh wait, wrong movie. Jake the Snake does crack.

Oct. 23rd- Wizard of Oz- Only thing scarier than angry monkeys is FLYING angry monkeys.

Oct. 24th- Rambo 4- Pure gonzo gore. My favorite scene involves a bad guy soldier throwing a baby into a burning building. I highly recommend this movie.

Oct. 25th- Glengarry Glen Ross- I included this because I have never seen it and it has been on my to-do list for years. This is just a reminder.

Oct. 26th- Black Beach Patrol Vol. 3- This is basically a homage to Baywatch but as a porno. I have it on VHS as well.

Oct. 27th- Commando- It is a running joke that every one of my lists must feature Commando. This is that moment.

Oct. 28th- American Beauty- A film that looks at the horrors of domesticated life. Oh, and Kevin Spacey sexually assaulted a number of people. Great performance though!

Oct. 29th- Jeepers Creepers- The first half of this movie had a great premise. Two kids driving in the middle of nowhere see somebody tossing a body into a well. It loses some steam when it's revealed it is a monster, but good while it lasted. Also the director likes to fondle young boys.

Oct. 30th- The Crow- Not exactly a horror movie unlike the one's above, but had to include it because it's set in Detroit on Devil's night and I'm a little worm on a big fucking hook. Now, fire it up.

Oct. 31st- The Halloween Series. Okay, let's get serious from here on out. Up there was me having a little fun and wasting your time. Now, let me get my serious film guy hat on. No no, don't go away. I will still try to include the usual sexist, borderline racist, and cruel jokes here and there.

Halloween (1978)- The original. A classic that ultimately may have done more harm than good, but mainly good because it allowed John Carpenter the means to make The Thing, Big Trouble in Little China, Escape From New York, Prince of Darkness, They Live, and more.

Halloween 2- I enjoyed this as much as the first, and I'm in the minority, but I loved the idea of an isolated setting (a hospital) where there seems to be no patients or employees. Speaking of employees, the nurse in the hot tub scene is an absolute Grade-A hardbody.

Halloween 3- They tried something different with no Michael and an evil tv station and haunted masks. Most of it didn't work for me, but it had Tom Atkins, so, a win.

Halloween 4- After the box office disaster that was Part 3, the producers decided to bring Michael back and have him go after his niece. This was a paint by the numbers, yet very effective slasher sequel featuring Danielle Harris who I had a total crush on. Don't get skeezy, she's a year older than me.

Halloween 5- Basically Halloween 4, but again. Not nearly as good, but not as bad as

Halloween 6- They attempted to inject way too much backstory with the cult stuff, and it is obvious the movie was edited 100 times. Not good at all.

Halloween H20- A little bit of Halloween and a little of Scream. Jamie Lee returns as a drunk. I really didn't have a problem with this.

Halloween Resurrection- Jamie Lee agreed to return only if her character is finally killed off so she wouldn't have to play her again. More on that later. This movie is absolute garbage.

Rob Zombie's Halloween- I watched this for the first time in years the other week. This is a bad movie. The whole mystique of Michael Myers is the mystery of the character. This movie explains it all that he just came from a white trash family. That's the plot of the first half. The second half is basically a remake of the original except Danielle Harris finally doffs it. 19 years later a young boys dreams could come true. I ended up meeting her at a convention last year. She was very sweet and nice. My only regret is that I didn't find out if she played tambourine.

Zombie's Halloween 2- I actually prefer this one to his first. Less shoehorned celebrity cameos, more brutality. Plus the entire film feels like one big acid trip with the dream sequences.

Well, that ends our main section of Metro's 31 Days of Halloween post. Now of course 95% of that was tongue in cheek for the mental defectives out there. However, I still have my legit film critic hat on so here are some bonus lists. These are not tongue in cheek. Sometimes you can have it both ways...

Top Five You May Have Never Seen

5- Tales From the Crypt (1972)- This early 70's feature was taken from the comics just as many of the famous Crypt Keeper HBO series was. I don't get scared but there were a few sequences that made me jump. Standout segment are the Joan Collins Halloween one and the (very sad) Peter Cushing one. Plus who is turning down late period Ralph Richardson as the Crypt Keeper?

4- Theater of Blood- This Vincent Price flick is possibly one of his greatest. He plays a theater actor who just goes nuts, completely crazy, and starts killing critics in the fashion of some of his plays. It also stars prime Diana Rigg. The Robert Morley scene is a personal favorite.

3- Sunshine- Yes I know it is technically a Sci-Fi film, but if you get through the third act, you'll know why it is horror. This is one of the few movies that after seeing it, while in the parking lot, I muttered, "I feel really unsettled."

2- Bone Tomahawk- A horror/western starring Kurt Russell? Yeah, sign me up. Go in to it cold and just have scary fun with it.

1- The Adam Wingard/ Ti West Run (2009-Present)- Okay this is a cheat because there are so many movies I wanted to include so I lumped them all together. And yes, this is Number 1 if you haven't seen any. Let's roll:

House of the Devil- Great throwback to 1980's horror with a suitable soundtrack. Hottie female lead, vintage Tom Noonan/Mary Woronov, and Greta Gerwig before she became insufferable. The random dance scene to The Fixx is pure money.

The Innkeepers- I hate the term "slow burn" but this is a slow burn haunted hotel story that is carried by the two leads, one of which is a proxy for my tambourine player. Also features a Lena Dunham cameo before she became insufferable. I actually visited the haunted hotel where they filmed it. The night clerk let me work the desk at 2am so he could take a break. Just perfect. There are memories you keep. I'm tucking that one away.

You're Next- An absolute blast. The entire cast is great (most of the same actors appear in all of these movies). Joe Swanberg is hilarious, and the touch of Dwight Twilley's "Looking For the Magic" playing on repeat throughout the entire movie is genius. I can run the fastest.

V/H/S- Wingard and West direct some segments of this anthology film. Equally unnerving at times but has some decent doffs. I would have been dead by the first segment when the demon girl tells me, "I like you."

The Sacrament- This is basically the Jonestown Massacre put on film. The entire final act is unsettling. Gene Jones, the gas station guy from No Country, is amazing as the J Jones proxy and I am attracted to Amy Seimitz. This, along with the Jonestown incident, was the theme for the final Metro Times Blowout. Last set of the night. We gave the entire crowd Flavor-Aid. They were relived we didn't poison them. And then we played.

The Guest- This isn't exactly horror, though it does have nods to The Shining, Carrie, Fright Night, Terminator, and Commando. I am including it because it is my favorite movie of the past 10 years. Seek it out, then buy me a drink next time you see me. Just no blow job shots.

X- Probably my favorite movie from last year. A real throwback with no forced agenda (amazing feat for a movie from the 2020's) and great performances from everyone. Great soundtrack. Great subtext about getting old. Decent doffs. Look it up.

Pearl- The prequel to X. I think it might be a better made movie, though I had more fun with X. Mia Goth gives an amazing performance, and her dance scene is perfection. I liked X more, but this is probably the better movie.

Whew, that's a lot to digest (Hi Sadie!!), so now we will dip down to the top five I was most disappointed in. Which means you can skip them:

Top 5 Scary Movies That Sucked-

5- Halloween Reboot Series (2018-now)-

Halloween- I don't remember a single scene about this movie aside from the rest stop scene. Too many shoehorned characters, including a stupid heel turn, just ehhhhh, nahhhh.

Halloween Kills- I liked this one a little bit better, aside from the "Evil must die" trope. Anthony Michael Hall played a decent nutso, and the kills were the best of the series.

Halloween Ends- Everyone shit on this, and some had good points. I didn't really have a problem with it aside from introducing a brand new character that by all means will have no factor in the movie. Sarcasm alert.

4- Get Out- It had an interesting premise but was ultimately bogged down with "Well, we're making a movie in 2017" rhetoric. Plus it was kind of boring.

3- The Haunting (1999)- I don't remember much about this one aside from it being the only movie I have ever walked out on in a theater. Owen Wilson gets decapitated I think so it might not be all that bad.

2- Barbarian- This is a recent one that received a lot of pre-release buzz/good reviews. Never a good sign before everyone has seen it. The first 40 minutes were good and then the director realized he only had a 40 minute movie and put around 3 of his other spec scripts in there to bloat it out.

1- The Witch- And it's not even close. I can appreciate the set design and the dialects, but a good movie needs a good story, and this one put me to sleep. When I walked out of The Haunting tickets were only $5. Out of bitter principle I stayed for the entire movie because tickets are now around $11. I am a lesser person for it. As a movie fan, I can say this one totally stunk. Every review bought and paid for.

Okay, with that out of the way, let's get to the favorites list. As always, these are my favorites, not necessarily the "best". The Exorcist didn't make the list not because it is a bad movie. It's probably better than a few on my list. It's just that it's not one of my favorites. See it once, and you're good. Let's roll.

Metro's Top 6 Favorite Scary Movies

6- The Thing- I made this list six instead of five because I couldn't choose between #6 & #5. The Thing is a marvel of what you can do with practical effects. I'll take the effects here over any cgi any day. Great ensemble cast and the blood test scene is a masterclass in tension.

5- Carrie- An absolute classic and one of DePalma's best. The prom scene alone would be enough to crack the top 5, but the performances from Sissy and Piper put it over the top. Also, it's not a Metro post if I don't mention the opening locker room scene/vintage Nancy Allen.

4- Dawn of the Dead (Original)- I watched this many times growing up. It seems dated now, but only because malls don't exist anymore, but as a kid, the idea of having an entire mall to yourself is amazing. Also amazing are the effects and the chemistry between the lead actors. It's one of those movies you wish never ended.

3a- Nightmare on Elm Street/3b- Nightmare on Elm Street 3- I had to do a cheat here and include both of them. I see them as equals, but for different reasons. If you want terror and scares you go to part 1. Some of the random imagery in it is unnerving (the goat in the tunnel, the outreached arms in the alley, the hall pass). It also really captures what its like to be in a dream during the scene where Nancy tries to run upstairs and the stairs turn to marshmellow. We've all had that dream.

Now if you want sheer entertainment then part 3 is the way to go. The deaths start getting creative and Freddy starts to go the humor route, but not over the top like in the later sequels. The ensemble cast is pretty great, and the returning Nancy and John Saxon from part 1 make this more of a direct sequel than the homoerotic part 2. This makes a great double feature. Creature feature!

2- An American Werewolf in London- The absolute apex of horror and humor, from the perfect cast of David, (It's not a party without) Griffin Dunne, and the gorgeous Jenny Agutter along with the local unknowns, to the insane practical effects (best werewolf transformation in film), to the soundtrack. There are so many memorable scenes, the Slaughtered Lamb, the moors, the dreams, and the pure gonzo chaos (it is a Landis film after all) of the final scene. And it would be a crime not to mention "See You Next Wednesday" (a non-stop orgy).

1- The Shining- My favorite movie just happens to be a horror movie, a horror movie directed by my favorite director Stanley Kubrick. This movie is unique in that it is different from the book (Stephen King didn't care for it, but if you follow his Twitter...great writer, so-so opinionist). It is a paradox because the Shining (book) is among my top 3 favorite books. The book is basically an allegory about alcoholism which is a subject close to King, and Kubrick's movie is just a straight up haunted hotel story even with the bartender scene. The bathroom scene terrified me when I watched it way too young. The twins scared me. The man in the bear/dog suit confused me. The opening credits/score mesmerized me. And I loved every minute of it.

So that's it for my 31 days of Halloween post. I hope everyone has a fun, safe (but not too safe muaahahaha) Halloween season. I hope the Orbitsuns gave some of their cover charge to the Rodriguez family and not Cowboy hats/hair club for men. And I hope to see you again soon. I'm off to have some burnt toast.

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro