Halloween With JCM- A Real Spook Show

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Well, it is officially Fall, my favorite season, and Halloween, my favorite holiday. Unfortunately, I don't have much content for this post because I don't really have much content. But no fault of mine. I have noticed that as I get older and older holidays don't have the same "punch" anymore; Halloween, 4th of July, especially birthdays, and even Christmas. I really wanted to do a local Halloween preview, but there was just not enough to sink my teeth into. Well, almost.

   Yeah, there is still that Creepy Cheapy cover band cash grab at the Crofoot, but I looked at the lineup, and good lord... Usually the bands just suck, but this year the bands that suck (most aren't even real bands, just friends of the booker/venue, world's worst kept secret), but this year the acts they covered suck. Every act seemed to be a early 2000's pop-punk band. Ryan Allen must be creaming himself right now. I honestly don't even know if it has happened already as of this writing because there has been no press or in person accounts that I could find. Zero people covered it, which is expected these days.

   Then there is, sorry, was the cash grab that is, sorry was, Theater Bizarre which was cancelled this year. For those out of the loop, Theater Bizarre is an overpriced Halloween experience populated by theater geeks who went to NY or LA for two weeks, bombed, and are now doing silly tricks with fire. Anyway, it was cancelled this year, and a few sources covered it, and a boat-ton of people complained about it. Who knows what really went down, but the official word is that it was because of a double booking. C'mon, who really believes that? Aside from being completely overpriced, they do have a history of wearing out their welcome at venues. I've also heard tax stuff, but we won't go there as that is just some stuff that was told to me and not confirmed, and I'm not getting paid to look into it. Howevvvverrrrr, where's there smoke... Two venues (State Fair and Masonic) have had issues with the organizers of Theater Bizarre. Maybe next year there will be a third because we know they are toast for now. And, of course, there is always the age old question: Where is the money going? Yes, I realize that staging such an event, though overpriced, still costs money. After they were booted from the State Fair I spoke to a few performers and people who worked the show for an article I was too bored to post. Everyone I talked to said they worked for free or volunteered. Sooooo, where is the money going? Typical.

Zoom, flash, jump cut to 2023 and the remnants of Theater Bizarre are at it again. They had a bus tour of something something haunted something this past weekend. For a very fair/foul $65 you can hop on a shuttle, sorry, bus to go to three locations That They Won't Even Say. I purposely waited until Devil's Night to post this because I didn't want to give any of these con artists any free publicity from the most read local blog in Detroit, and also so I could get feedback on what locations they went to. As expected, crickets. I think it would have been hilarious if one of the locations was an alley on Cass. "Years ago, a shadowy figure was sighted here. To this day, some still see him." Actually, I did my job for once, and found a link about the bus cash grab thing.

Money Money Money

It looks like you were paying $65 to ride on a bus with a bunch of "hard passes" to three "surprise" locations: The Congregation Coffee Shop (emphasis on "Con"), The Apartment Disco, and the Lexus Velodrome. Once again, $65..... I have been in and around Detroit for 40 years and been hooked on haunted attractions for over 20 years and I have never heard of any of this. Were they just shipping people to people's houses? Okay, I did my job again and looked them up. Zero history of any haunted activity. Just a bunch of failed theater geeks doing the same shit they'd been doing for years at Theater Bizarre, one big masturbatory excuse for the Theater Bizarre rejects to make a buck. Oh, fuck right off.

As for myself, I wisely opted out of the bus scam and went to a nearby bar, "The World's Headquarters" for their Halloween party. The following happened and all of it is true...

   I decided to go as my go-to costume of Hunter Thompson, which is basically me every day anyways. World HQ was packed, but I was disappointed that there were so few costumes. I honestly was surprised that there were no Barbie or Ken's. I never participate in costume contests because I am the observer and don't like to be seen, so I kept a low profile at the bar. As the costume contest drew closer, and all of the costumes were lame, I briefly considered entering, but decided not to when the bartender, a "Probably", said that the tab was on her because Fear and Loathing was her favorite movie. I had already won the night and ordered a pint.

Since both tambourine players are now off the grid and loyal assistant Sebastian Owl didn't want to go and Wang was drunk on college football and -jr is still in Illinois, I was riding solo, so I decided to make friends. The girl next to me had Pennywise makeup on along with a clown suit, but the costume was form fitting enough for me to tell she was a hardbody. I introduced myself as Bryan, and she as Virginia, "like the state".

   "I get it," I replied and could tell she was already drunk. My main concern was that she was alone which made no sense because good looking girls don't go to bars alone unless they are a prostitute, or actually a dude. I did another once-over and concluded, "Yeah not a dude."

   It was at this point some dude in a cheap store bought pimp suit sits to my left, also drunk. He introduced himself as Gary and I erupted into a laughing fit. He was confused. I explained that it was an inside joke and that I covered the local music scene. He was still confused. I then asked if he knew Virginia, who was on the right of me. He said no and I muttered, "Keep it that way."

   The music changed and "Monster Mash" started playing and Virginia was dancing dangerously close to me, but I was okay with it. At this point, two old crones came in, both over 70, both professionally dressed, one with an elaborate peacock shoulder harness, and the other with a silver suit and electric candle. The bar started clapping and I got pissed. I was not the only one.

   "Look at that noise," I say, turning to Virginia, "They are professionals. They probably hit up every low key costume contest just to collect the money and leave. I don't even know who they are supposed to be."

   "Oh god, you're right. Fuck those fuckers," Virginia replies.

   "I'm always right," I agree.

   Virginia starts cackling and I finally realize who she reminds me of: Sheri Moon Zombie. I try to shake this potentially hazardous thought from my head, reconsider, and fail

   "You're playing the journalist. Go find out who they are supposed to be," Virginia says, so I do. They tell me (perfectly rehearsed) that they are a Vegas showgirl and Liberace. I look back at Virginia at the bar and she is mouthing "Fuck them", and I give a thumbs up and return.

   The costume contest comes and goes and, of course, the two old Betty's win, but Virginia wins third place. I don't know who second was. She buys me another pint and a shot. I've never done a shot since 2017 so I decide it is time to leave, but I still take the shot. It was the most fun Halloween weekend in years. The moral of my true story is to go out, have fun, too much fun, but be safe, and leave with regrets. And it didn't cost $65.

So what's left? I'm sure some haunted attractions that aren't a coffee shop, a loft, or some other grift are open through Tuesday. Also, we have the Lion/Raiders Monday Night Football on Devil's Night. In Detroit. Tickets are crazy high, but maybe find a pub, and fire it up, fire it up. Ford Field is going to be an absolute zoo. Everyone be safe, but more importantly (yes I said it), have fun. Have too much fun. But be safe.

   And if anyone knows if Craigslist still does the "Missed Connections" thing, let me know. I need to ask someone if they know how to play tambourine. Stay scare Constant Readers!

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro

The Fall...Of the Local Music Scene + Preview of JettBlast Fest

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   All the leaves are brown, and the bands are white. Oh wait, I used that line for the last preview, but by god if it ain't so true. Anyway, Metro here and all the leaves really are turning and the Fall is now upon us. In many ways. The summer really flew by and as things fell apart nobody paid much attention. However, we still have possibly the last "Fest" of the year this weekend, The JettBlast Fest, celebrating 10 years of Jett Plastic Records putting out a ratio of around 60/40 decent stuff.

   Ten years ago, Jett Plastic was created by Record Store Kid and they have had a pretty good run, and they have a had a pretty good run thus far, much of it via hard work, and maybe a little sprinkle of mysterious connections. I am not going to link them here because I'm done giving them rub from my platform, but the Metro Times has a few posts about this Fest. As expected, they are lazy, awful, and the worst part, boring. Here are some of the award winning quotes though:

"All self-funded" Hmmmm... Interesting how a 14 year old can self fund an entire record label. But anyway, nothing to see here, move along.

"The TROUT set is of particular interest given that it's the first Detroit-area performance in five years."- I've been covering the local music scene for over ten years and I have no idea who these yahoos are.

"With this festival, Jett Plastic strives to provide a gateway (hahahahaha who wrote this?) for those interested in the local scene so they can see artists they would otherwise be unable to."- Also bwaahahahahahaha. So some geezer has-been from Sloan, some "virtuoso" from Ohio, a bunch of ancient local acts that never got over even when they were given a push, and the rest being every band that has played every local fest this year that drew ziltch.

"What were you doing when you were 14?"- Well I was working on not being exploited by [REDACTED].

Like I said, I'm not posting the links to that shit site. Look them up if you want, but they are pandering and boring, and I'm honestly surprised that Lee HackVito hasn't been fired yet. Anyway, this is the only preview that matters, and will be read by more people than the Metro Times.

   I was outlining this post, looking at the flyers (there are multiple, more on that in a bit), and it got me thinking, "What the hell happened to the local scene?" Some of the acts on this fest are good, most suck, but every one of them has been played out to death. Where is the new blood? Now, I understand that the purpose of the Fest is to celebrate the 10 years, so I can understand why an act like After Dark Amusement Park is on the bill despite them doing squat in 10 years, nothing to move the needle. To be fair, they moved Jeff Milo's needle...

   But back to my original point, I feel that the local scene is in a hibernation status. The entirety of 2023 consisted of the same bands playing the same fests for the same people, and no variety. Also, little to no acts with people of color (Hai there every fest this year and the WAB). Now I understand that there is little to choose from these days, but if we are trotting out the failed After Dark Amusement Fucks in 2023, then this scene has a serious problem. We may be skipping an entire generation in the local scene. An entire generation. Yeah yeah, the pandemic may have played a role, but I was attending shows before that and it was dead. Now we get the corpses of the Ill Itches who at this point may be in the "Orbitsuns Hair Plug Club" by this point. Is there nobody out there to step up? And if there is, would they be accepted into the local music scene? My best advice would be to leave your ID's at home ho ho ho. So that's what you call a "segue" to the CliqueBlast, I mean JettBlast Fest Preview.

Before I get to the event preview, I would like to give sincere props to Jett Plastic on ten years. Some of their acts got some decent exposure having their content on wax. And also, for an organization being a locally run business that actually made it 10 years. It shows what hard work and knowing all the right people can do!

Before I get to the event preview, I do have to vent just a little bit more. A few years ago. Record Store Kid's dad got angry about something I wrote. I don't remember exactly what it was about, but probably something cutting edge, pimping his kid out, against the grain, likely offensive. Anyway, we hashed it out like professionals, and per the blog's "offensive review" policy I took it down and apologized. He said that I would be on the guest list (+1 drink) at the next Jett Plastic show. Well, that never happened, and I still have my receipt. Why not invite me to a coffee shop in Ferndale like everyone else, pussy? Oh....the preview?

   Okay, as I stated earlier, I immediately caught a problem. So I sent JCM Lavender correspondent Jacob Goldbloom the flyer. He was at the bank trying to clear a cashier's check.

   "This fucking thing isn't being cleared," he is frantic.

   "Just relax. These people don't care. Here is the flyer for the JettBlast Fest this month. Distract yourself," I reply.

   "Oh jeeze, Sisters of Your Sunshine Vapor are playing. Pass."

   "Why?" I ask, "I like most of their stuff. Yeah the singer is a pretentious midget, but the other two guys are cool. They put on a good show."

   "You might as well have Zach Shipps stumble out there exposing himself," Goldbloom replies.

   "Wait," I interrupt, "I'm looking at the Jett Plastic page and the Sisters are not playing."

   "Yes they are. They are on the fucking flyer you just sent me."

   "I'm looking at a flyer here. They are not on it. Here let me send it," I am frantic, melting down.

   "Oh shit, this is a different flyer. Which one is the correct flyer?" Goldbloom is also frantic.

   "I Don't Know!!!"

And that was the conversation. So yes, this is the lone part of the post that isn't satire. They actually had two flyers floating around for the Fest.

It is a day before the Fest. Which is the correct one? If they are not playing, then why? Scheduling conflict? Ha ha, just kidding. Is the dwarf singer still trying to join the Michael Mars Honorary "Hey look, I'm hanging out with Marcie Bolen" Club? Neither party has really commented on it as of this typing. Just poof, off the Fest. Oh, the Fest prevue! Okay, here we go. You know the rules: Each act gets one listen or view and I give a short blurb.

Friday- $20

Fuzzed Out- So, I guess this is some geezer from Sloan's new band. Why the need for a new band? It's not like the other nobodies from Sloan are doing anything these days. Just be Sloan. I pride myself on being the Tarantino of SE Michigan and regularly incorporate music and lyrics into my two published books, but I couldn't remember if I had even heard a Sloan song before. I looked them up and realized that I have and that it was boring. I then looked up Fuzzed Out and found a live set. Awful. If you want to save money (because we know the Sloan geezer is getting paid) then just why not hire one of Ryan Allen's shitty knock off bands?

Sister of Your Sunshine Vapor- Are they playing? Are they not? Why? Hey, pay $20 to find out.

The Michael Weber Show- The clip I saw was some twerp making me fall asleep. Very poofy and bad.

The Ill Itches- I get them confused with the Idiot Kids for all the right reasons. Is this Josh Woodcock's band that hasn't done anything in years? Did he need to come back to Michigan for his yearly bleeding? Should this be called CliqueBlast Fest?

Space Stars- I couldn't really find much on them, and I don't have the time to look deeper. Stop wasting my time.

Ricky Rat Pack- Perennial lower mid-carder Ricky Rat seems like an okay dude. He does seem bloated, but at least he's consistent. That's my preview.

Citizen Smile- I previewed these humorless geeks years ago and they were all torn up because I didn't care for their boring music. They didn't get that the entire preview is just one big roast. So one more "Fuck You" to the nobodies in Citizen Smile. For old time's sake.

Dude/Vellows/The Hourlies- I am batching these three acts together because they seem to play EVERY FUCKING SHOW TOGETHER. I don't know if it's some type of weird security blanket, or if there's something clandestine going on. Oh wait. I don't want to include The Hourlies and "something clandestine" and Dude in the same blurb. Redact that. CliqueBlast Fest....

Bitch Kraft- They seem to get on every Fest, yet there is not much out there on them. The bass player has absolutely no idea how to play bass, when to sing the words, or possibly where she is. She also looks like my ex, Loretta Scarr. Beware.

Saturday- $20

The Beggars- I have previewed this band countless times, so to recap. They are fun-first, party-heavy, and know they are not going to change the world, but just want everybody to have a good time. So basically the opposite of 90% of Friday's lineup.

The Amino Acids- I've never cared for them. The music is okay, even solid depending on my mood, but this is another act that can't take a joke. Does that t-shirt guy still play with them? I still owe that dusty twerp a receipt for advocating violence against animals. I even forgot his name. Scott something maybe. Boynick? Might be worth $20...

The Idiot Kids- I get the names confused with the Ill Itches. Looked them up at the Spring Corktown Music Fest (we headlined the summer one btw). Yeah, they are totally getting bled after their set. Along with Woodcock. A non-stop orgy. See you next Wednesday.

Checker- Whoa whoa whoa hold the phone. We have our first sighting of people of color!!!!! JSB is going to be so pissed. And they are actually decent. I really dug their tone. Metro approved.

After Dark Amusement Park- These yahoos have been around longer than I have, possibly. Nothing happened. It didn't happen. And nothing will change. They have a couple of good songs but the drummer kinda sucks. Somebody get Milo a wet wipe!!!

Troy Toma & the Lousy Lovers- I guess they were some fragment of the Trash Brats. I didn't even bother to seek out a video because I already knew what I would get. That could be a good thing, or a bad thing. Depends on if you got an extra $20.

John Sinclair and Jeff Grand- Who is Jeff Grand? If you are a Constant Reader, you already know my feelings about John Sinclair. He is revered for his stance on pot which is cool. Do what you want to do. He was jailed for it, which actually made his entire career. John Lennon wrote a song about him, but he was on heroin at the time so that can be forgiven. But John Sinclair is kind of a creepy dude who definitely likes them young. Hey he's a perfect fit for this show. I take everything back. But I will stand by that his music and poetry fucking suck. Dollar store Ginsberg if you swap out young boys for young girls.

Trout- Couldn't find anything on them really. Both the event page and the Metro Times lauded that this is their first show in five years. I have been covering the local music scene since 2008 and I haven't heard a peep about this act. Rhetoric can be so stupid sometimes. Trout....do better. When in doubt....they probably suck.

Brood X- Couldn't find much on them either. I guess they are a bunch of nobodies from Nashville. Their music may be good, or it may not. Pay $20 to find out!!!!

Brenda- I am not wasting my time looking though 100k youtube and facebook entries for "Brenda". I actually took the time because I am a liar. I found a Brenda Pomroy who has 16 mutual friends, all in the local music half-scene. So let's assume it's her. Not much of music content but numerous animal rescue fundraisers. So, she gets the Metro Seal of Approval.

There you go. My final preview of the year. Well, that is until Dude, Vellows, The Hourlies set up another joint show. But I won't preview that because like with everything this year.....you've seen it all before. Stay safe and stay scary. Happy Halloween!

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro

   

Bryan Metro's 31 Days of Halloween List

 From the National Affairs Desk-

One quick take to appease the local Constant Readers. Since nobody really cares about the local scene anymore, allow me to give local nobodies The Orbitsuns a rub. I recently got into a little bit of a "tift" with them because I made some harmless joke about the has-been from Sponge having to always wear a hat these days because he's losing his hair. Petty? Yes. Stupid? Yes. Unnecessary? Sure. But I was bored. They didn't like it, and the usual "He's a bully" brigade came out of course. Here is their official response:

 Hmmmm, ripping on my readership is par for the course, too easy, and always wrong. Whoever runs the Orbitsuns FB account probably has as many brain cells as Vinnie has hair follicles. It has never been about getting "likes". I think the lack of likes is a badge of honor because I monitor the readers, even though I make no money off this site. If we would have enabled advertising a decade ago, we'd be sitting on a gold mine. The reason why people don't "like" individual posts is because if some maroon haired white knight sees that "like" then they will flag that person as someone who agrees with us and rip their band, restaurant, anything as being a supporter of whatever hot button topic that week's is.

And here's another gem. They made a point to bring up the "hit pieces on dead people". That grabbed my attention for a few reasons. One, I assume they are referring to Rodriguez and the posts I made around the time of his passing. Two, I forgot I had taken them down for editing, along with the requests to put them back up. They are now back up. Three, The Orbitsuns just might have been a little salty because they played the Weekend at Rodriguez's birthday show. You know, the show where they knew he was in poor health. And here's the best part. The Orbitsuns got paid to play the show. Now as a tribute, a celebration, a real wild time for somebody who has lived a life, I think just playing it would be enough of a rub. Pro Bono, y'know? But no, The Orbitsuns accepted money for playing that show. Just gross.

Finally, the JCM did a show with them last year when the New Dodge was changing ownership. There was zero interaction (probably because -jr and a lit E First were present). They pulled the whole "not supporting any other local acts and load in 10 minutes before our set" routine. We just made fun of them the entire time. And yes Vinnie was wearing the hat. Do the math, the Orbitsuns are archaic, has-been frauds. Now let's get to the fun stuff.

Hey all, Metro here. I can't believe it is already October. What really happened with the summer? Nothing happened. Well, aside from the Corktown Music Festival that we headlined that raised thousands of dollars for Girls Rock Detroit. But yet, we are still the bad guys. I'm fine with that. But holy smokes, not only is summer over but we are already in to October! Which means that my social media timelines have been inundated with "My 31 Days of Halloween" movie lists. And hey, I love it. Sometimes, I find a hidden gem that I haven't seen. So that is basically the crux of October's Lavender post. Bryan Metro's 31 Days of Halloween. I hope you find a few hidden gems in here. Who doesn't dig a good spook now and then. Enjoy the season!!

Oct. 1st- Philadelphia- Tom Hanks stars in a virtuoso performance of somebody with AIDS.

Oct. 2nd- Schindler's List- Liam Neeson stars as this guy who saves a bunch of Jewish people while Ralph Fiennes does his best to try to kill all of them.

Oct. 3rd- Hoop Dreams- Hey, Oct. 3rd! That's my birthday! And what better way to celebrate it with an acclaimed documentary about some guys who wanted to play basketball and nothing really happens.

Oct. 4th- Caddyshack 2- Jackie Mason is so unfunny in this movie it is horrific.

Oct. 5th- Kramer Vs. Kramer- Such a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of getting married and having kids.

Oct. 6th- Dallas Buyer's Club- Another movie about this guy who has AIDS. Added bonus is the insight about the pharmaceutical industry. Horrific.

Oct. 7th- Toy Story 3- This movie made Eli Roth cry. Nuff said.

Oct. 8th- Freddie Got Fingered- Some have called this the most horrific movie ever made. I find it hilarious. My ex sat stone-faced while watching it. After 15 minutes she exclaimed, "I don't understand how you can find this funny." Call me Quincy.

Oct. 9th- Leaving Las Vegas- A terrifying look at the effects of alcoholism and fantasizing about vintage Elizabeth Shue. This is a movie I cannot relate to.

Oct. 10th- No Holds Barred- This Hulk Hogan feature features a scene where one of the baddies shits themselves. This entry is for K Pete. Love ya.

Oct. 11th- Turner and Hooch- This film has one of the most horrific endings especially if you are a kid. K-9 starring Jim Belushi is 10 times better.

Oct. 12th- 12 Years A Slave- A true horror movie if you were ever a slave.

Oct. 13th- Rocky 5- Truly horrific what happened to the franchise after 1-4. Even Stallone gave it zero stars. I did enjoy the bare knuckle fight between Rocky and Tommy Morrison at the end.

Oct. 14th- Death Wish 3- It really is horrifying how an entire city in modern times can consist of a few citizens and the rest being punks throwing poor Martin Balsam off of a balcony. Granted for some reason he had a grade-A helicopter gun, but still.

Oct 15th- National Lampoons Vegas Vacation- Not exactly true horror, but when Clark loses all of his money and has to go to the cheapjack casino on the outskirts of town...well, let me say that is scarier than being possessed by Pazuzu.

Oct 16th- Brian's Song- Dude gets cancer and dies.

Oct. 17th- Kids- The horrors of kids in the 90's. Also AIDS. Also I bet the set had a great "catering" area.

Oct 18th- Showgirls- I tried to keep this list mostly horror movies but I had to include a comedy. I remember sneaking in to see this at Star Fairlane (ha like they have security) in 1995. As a fan of Elizabeth Berkley's work let me tell you, I got every penny's worth.

Oct. 19th- Punisher:Warzone- Come for the deep character insight. Leave with some of the most ridiculous death scenes in film. I highly recommend this movie.

Oct. 20th- Flesh Gordon- My pops had this on VHS and one day I popped it in. It ended up being the pornographic version. I was 8.

Oct. 21st- The Rules of Attraction- For any of the Constant Readers who have ever gone to college you know what I mean.

Oct. 22nd- Beyond the Mat- An actually pretty good documentary about wrestling where some guys who just wanted to play basketball and nothing happens. Oh wait, wrong movie. Jake the Snake does crack.

Oct. 23rd- Wizard of Oz- Only thing scarier than angry monkeys is FLYING angry monkeys.

Oct. 24th- Rambo 4- Pure gonzo gore. My favorite scene involves a bad guy soldier throwing a baby into a burning building. I highly recommend this movie.

Oct. 25th- Glengarry Glen Ross- I included this because I have never seen it and it has been on my to-do list for years. This is just a reminder.

Oct. 26th- Black Beach Patrol Vol. 3- This is basically a homage to Baywatch but as a porno. I have it on VHS as well.

Oct. 27th- Commando- It is a running joke that every one of my lists must feature Commando. This is that moment.

Oct. 28th- American Beauty- A film that looks at the horrors of domesticated life. Oh, and Kevin Spacey sexually assaulted a number of people. Great performance though!

Oct. 29th- Jeepers Creepers- The first half of this movie had a great premise. Two kids driving in the middle of nowhere see somebody tossing a body into a well. It loses some steam when it's revealed it is a monster, but good while it lasted. Also the director likes to fondle young boys.

Oct. 30th- The Crow- Not exactly a horror movie unlike the one's above, but had to include it because it's set in Detroit on Devil's night and I'm a little worm on a big fucking hook. Now, fire it up.

Oct. 31st- The Halloween Series. Okay, let's get serious from here on out. Up there was me having a little fun and wasting your time. Now, let me get my serious film guy hat on. No no, don't go away. I will still try to include the usual sexist, borderline racist, and cruel jokes here and there.

Halloween (1978)- The original. A classic that ultimately may have done more harm than good, but mainly good because it allowed John Carpenter the means to make The Thing, Big Trouble in Little China, Escape From New York, Prince of Darkness, They Live, and more.

Halloween 2- I enjoyed this as much as the first, and I'm in the minority, but I loved the idea of an isolated setting (a hospital) where there seems to be no patients or employees. Speaking of employees, the nurse in the hot tub scene is an absolute Grade-A hardbody.

Halloween 3- They tried something different with no Michael and an evil tv station and haunted masks. Most of it didn't work for me, but it had Tom Atkins, so, a win.

Halloween 4- After the box office disaster that was Part 3, the producers decided to bring Michael back and have him go after his niece. This was a paint by the numbers, yet very effective slasher sequel featuring Danielle Harris who I had a total crush on. Don't get skeezy, she's a year older than me.

Halloween 5- Basically Halloween 4, but again. Not nearly as good, but not as bad as

Halloween 6- They attempted to inject way too much backstory with the cult stuff, and it is obvious the movie was edited 100 times. Not good at all.

Halloween H20- A little bit of Halloween and a little of Scream. Jamie Lee returns as a drunk. I really didn't have a problem with this.

Halloween Resurrection- Jamie Lee agreed to return only if her character is finally killed off so she wouldn't have to play her again. More on that later. This movie is absolute garbage.

Rob Zombie's Halloween- I watched this for the first time in years the other week. This is a bad movie. The whole mystique of Michael Myers is the mystery of the character. This movie explains it all that he just came from a white trash family. That's the plot of the first half. The second half is basically a remake of the original except Danielle Harris finally doffs it. 19 years later a young boys dreams could come true. I ended up meeting her at a convention last year. She was very sweet and nice. My only regret is that I didn't find out if she played tambourine.

Zombie's Halloween 2- I actually prefer this one to his first. Less shoehorned celebrity cameos, more brutality. Plus the entire film feels like one big acid trip with the dream sequences.

Well, that ends our main section of Metro's 31 Days of Halloween post. Now of course 95% of that was tongue in cheek for the mental defectives out there. However, I still have my legit film critic hat on so here are some bonus lists. These are not tongue in cheek. Sometimes you can have it both ways...

Top Five You May Have Never Seen

5- Tales From the Crypt (1972)- This early 70's feature was taken from the comics just as many of the famous Crypt Keeper HBO series was. I don't get scared but there were a few sequences that made me jump. Standout segment are the Joan Collins Halloween one and the (very sad) Peter Cushing one. Plus who is turning down late period Ralph Richardson as the Crypt Keeper?

4- Theater of Blood- This Vincent Price flick is possibly one of his greatest. He plays a theater actor who just goes nuts, completely crazy, and starts killing critics in the fashion of some of his plays. It also stars prime Diana Rigg. The Robert Morley scene is a personal favorite.

3- Sunshine- Yes I know it is technically a Sci-Fi film, but if you get through the third act, you'll know why it is horror. This is one of the few movies that after seeing it, while in the parking lot, I muttered, "I feel really unsettled."

2- Bone Tomahawk- A horror/western starring Kurt Russell? Yeah, sign me up. Go in to it cold and just have scary fun with it.

1- The Adam Wingard/ Ti West Run (2009-Present)- Okay this is a cheat because there are so many movies I wanted to include so I lumped them all together. And yes, this is Number 1 if you haven't seen any. Let's roll:

House of the Devil- Great throwback to 1980's horror with a suitable soundtrack. Hottie female lead, vintage Tom Noonan/Mary Woronov, and Greta Gerwig before she became insufferable. The random dance scene to The Fixx is pure money.

The Innkeepers- I hate the term "slow burn" but this is a slow burn haunted hotel story that is carried by the two leads, one of which is a proxy for my tambourine player. Also features a Lena Dunham cameo before she became insufferable. I actually visited the haunted hotel where they filmed it. The night clerk let me work the desk at 2am so he could take a break. Just perfect. There are memories you keep. I'm tucking that one away.

You're Next- An absolute blast. The entire cast is great (most of the same actors appear in all of these movies). Joe Swanberg is hilarious, and the touch of Dwight Twilley's "Looking For the Magic" playing on repeat throughout the entire movie is genius. I can run the fastest.

V/H/S- Wingard and West direct some segments of this anthology film. Equally unnerving at times but has some decent doffs. I would have been dead by the first segment when the demon girl tells me, "I like you."

The Sacrament- This is basically the Jonestown Massacre put on film. The entire final act is unsettling. Gene Jones, the gas station guy from No Country, is amazing as the J Jones proxy and I am attracted to Amy Seimitz. This, along with the Jonestown incident, was the theme for the final Metro Times Blowout. Last set of the night. We gave the entire crowd Flavor-Aid. They were relived we didn't poison them. And then we played.

The Guest- This isn't exactly horror, though it does have nods to The Shining, Carrie, Fright Night, Terminator, and Commando. I am including it because it is my favorite movie of the past 10 years. Seek it out, then buy me a drink next time you see me. Just no blow job shots.

X- Probably my favorite movie from last year. A real throwback with no forced agenda (amazing feat for a movie from the 2020's) and great performances from everyone. Great soundtrack. Great subtext about getting old. Decent doffs. Look it up.

Pearl- The prequel to X. I think it might be a better made movie, though I had more fun with X. Mia Goth gives an amazing performance, and her dance scene is perfection. I liked X more, but this is probably the better movie.

Whew, that's a lot to digest (Hi Sadie!!), so now we will dip down to the top five I was most disappointed in. Which means you can skip them:

Top 5 Scary Movies That Sucked-

5- Halloween Reboot Series (2018-now)-

Halloween- I don't remember a single scene about this movie aside from the rest stop scene. Too many shoehorned characters, including a stupid heel turn, just ehhhhh, nahhhh.

Halloween Kills- I liked this one a little bit better, aside from the "Evil must die" trope. Anthony Michael Hall played a decent nutso, and the kills were the best of the series.

Halloween Ends- Everyone shit on this, and some had good points. I didn't really have a problem with it aside from introducing a brand new character that by all means will have no factor in the movie. Sarcasm alert.

4- Get Out- It had an interesting premise but was ultimately bogged down with "Well, we're making a movie in 2017" rhetoric. Plus it was kind of boring.

3- The Haunting (1999)- I don't remember much about this one aside from it being the only movie I have ever walked out on in a theater. Owen Wilson gets decapitated I think so it might not be all that bad.

2- Barbarian- This is a recent one that received a lot of pre-release buzz/good reviews. Never a good sign before everyone has seen it. The first 40 minutes were good and then the director realized he only had a 40 minute movie and put around 3 of his other spec scripts in there to bloat it out.

1- The Witch- And it's not even close. I can appreciate the set design and the dialects, but a good movie needs a good story, and this one put me to sleep. When I walked out of The Haunting tickets were only $5. Out of bitter principle I stayed for the entire movie because tickets are now around $11. I am a lesser person for it. As a movie fan, I can say this one totally stunk. Every review bought and paid for.

Okay, with that out of the way, let's get to the favorites list. As always, these are my favorites, not necessarily the "best". The Exorcist didn't make the list not because it is a bad movie. It's probably better than a few on my list. It's just that it's not one of my favorites. See it once, and you're good. Let's roll.

Metro's Top 6 Favorite Scary Movies

6- The Thing- I made this list six instead of five because I couldn't choose between #6 & #5. The Thing is a marvel of what you can do with practical effects. I'll take the effects here over any cgi any day. Great ensemble cast and the blood test scene is a masterclass in tension.

5- Carrie- An absolute classic and one of DePalma's best. The prom scene alone would be enough to crack the top 5, but the performances from Sissy and Piper put it over the top. Also, it's not a Metro post if I don't mention the opening locker room scene/vintage Nancy Allen.

4- Dawn of the Dead (Original)- I watched this many times growing up. It seems dated now, but only because malls don't exist anymore, but as a kid, the idea of having an entire mall to yourself is amazing. Also amazing are the effects and the chemistry between the lead actors. It's one of those movies you wish never ended.

3a- Nightmare on Elm Street/3b- Nightmare on Elm Street 3- I had to do a cheat here and include both of them. I see them as equals, but for different reasons. If you want terror and scares you go to part 1. Some of the random imagery in it is unnerving (the goat in the tunnel, the outreached arms in the alley, the hall pass). It also really captures what its like to be in a dream during the scene where Nancy tries to run upstairs and the stairs turn to marshmellow. We've all had that dream.

Now if you want sheer entertainment then part 3 is the way to go. The deaths start getting creative and Freddy starts to go the humor route, but not over the top like in the later sequels. The ensemble cast is pretty great, and the returning Nancy and John Saxon from part 1 make this more of a direct sequel than the homoerotic part 2. This makes a great double feature. Creature feature!

2- An American Werewolf in London- The absolute apex of horror and humor, from the perfect cast of David, (It's not a party without) Griffin Dunne, and the gorgeous Jenny Agutter along with the local unknowns, to the insane practical effects (best werewolf transformation in film), to the soundtrack. There are so many memorable scenes, the Slaughtered Lamb, the moors, the dreams, and the pure gonzo chaos (it is a Landis film after all) of the final scene. And it would be a crime not to mention "See You Next Wednesday" (a non-stop orgy).

1- The Shining- My favorite movie just happens to be a horror movie, a horror movie directed by my favorite director Stanley Kubrick. This movie is unique in that it is different from the book (Stephen King didn't care for it, but if you follow his Twitter...great writer, so-so opinionist). It is a paradox because the Shining (book) is among my top 3 favorite books. The book is basically an allegory about alcoholism which is a subject close to King, and Kubrick's movie is just a straight up haunted hotel story even with the bartender scene. The bathroom scene terrified me when I watched it way too young. The twins scared me. The man in the bear/dog suit confused me. The opening credits/score mesmerized me. And I loved every minute of it.

So that's it for my 31 days of Halloween post. I hope everyone has a fun, safe (but not too safe muaahahaha) Halloween season. I hope the Orbitsuns gave some of their cover charge to the Rodriguez family and not Cowboy hats/hair club for men. And I hope to see you again soon. I'm off to have some burnt toast.

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro