Last Tango at the New Dodge-Part 1: A Litany of Requests

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Hey crew, Metro back. I hope everyone had a fun Super Bowl weekend. I broke even at the Sports Desk so whatever, but now that Football Season is over we need to get back to reality. Yes, trains and trucks are flipping over releasing hazardous chemicals into the air, and UFO's are being spotted everywhere, and mass shootings continue to happen, but the last post regarding the New Dodge Lounge was the most clicked post since our retirement show last year which was at... the New Dodge Lounge. All a simulation. I don't mean to discount or slight the latest news cycles, especially the horrific shooting at MSU, but I feel that everyone has gotten their fill, said what's on their mind, and might just want an escape. I have to stress, I don't get paid to write here. We make no money off this. We are too lazy to enable ad's for ad dollars. Nobody buys our music. So, it is time to cash in.

   I, and the JCM, have been contacted by possibly the New Dodge about possibly coming out of retirement and doing a show there. Basically, they might be trying to call our bluff, that isn't a bluff, but plays like a bluff. Here's the deal: Nobody goes to a JCM show for the music. If they dare show their face it is to see what kind of madness occurs. What is the theme going to be? What is the stunt? Who gets the "Augie/Hard Lessons/Carolin Kicked Out of a Show Memorial spot"?

   I have said it before, but the JCM does not draw bodies or social media "likes" (unless it is a Blowout or a Hamfest where we usually do quite well). Many people, many being friends, don't really want to be linked to us by clicking a "like" button, or, gasp, be seen at a show. People have been doxxed and called out for that very reason (Hi former Metro Times writer Callwood!). We are okay with this. For 16 years (!) we have never cared about making this a career. We just wanted eyes, wanted to influence the "scene" (whatever that means), wanted to get people talking, wanted to see how worse it can get. So, it is time to cash in.

   Quick recap- The New Dodge Lounge is under new management. The JCM has never had a bad time at the New Dodge Lounge. My gut feeling is that the new owners may have thought that owning and running a bar/venue in our "beloved enclave" of Hamtramck would be a prosperous endeavor. However, the new owners may not have realized that the local scene has been D.O.A. since around 2016, and lets not use the pandemic as an excuse.

   The new owners, let's be fair here, "entertained" the idea of having the acts playing sell tickets for their own show, and if not, pay a $150 fee to the venue. This is a business model that hasn't been effective since 2007, and even then only for local acts wanting to hop on a bill with a national touring act. I love the New Dodge, but Franz Ferdinand, even 2023 Franz Ferdinand, is not going to be playing the New Dodge. This is covered in full in the previous post. There was some blowback, lil bit, some people resigned, some bands dropped out, and the morons at the Metro Times did a puff piece trying to placate all parties, but instead put out the most vanilla piece of journalism of the year thus far (although Jeff Milo is always waiting in the wings). *Update!!!!

  So the New Dodge, or at least somebody claiming to be from the New Dodge, decided to call our bluff, that isn't a bluff, but plays like a bluff, and invite the JCM to play a show. Now that we are caught up we can get all present day with our response. The JCM is considering it, so much so that we have come up with a list of deman.....errr requests, a "rider", in order for us to play. Before I get to them I want to say one more thing regarding the New Dodge; I dig the place. I also understand if bands want to drop out. However, I do Not agree with anybody calling for a boycott of the venue. Just stop. No. Just stop. That is just stupid and is hurting the bands that are playing there. This isn't 2020; take that nonsense to Chicago or something. That said, it is time to cash in.

JCM's Rider For Playing the New Dodge in 2023

*Disclaimer- It sucks I have to do these disclaimers but the following is 80% satire, 20% truth. If anyone has an issue with anything in it, feel free to e-mail the band at bryanmetro1@hotmail.com and I will remove anything you may have found offensive. The request list is actually a "greatest hits" of some of our favorite subjects, most of whom the new owners won't even recognize, but the Constant Readers might have a laugh. Okay, lets goooooo!

1. We are Not selling tickets.

2. As referenced in the previous post, we need to be buffered by acts that draw actual bodies based on their music. We will bring the smoke but the best JCM business model for...errrr, business they will be depended on for the music. We'll take care of the rest.

3. The JCM must have final sign off on the bill. Also, the bill will need to have a clever title, something like "Revenge of the New Dodge". That one was for free, anything else will need bonus bucks.

4. If we were curating the show, our preferred lineup, one that was curated by JCM core members Bryan Metro and -jr, would be some permutation of Sisters of Your Sunshine Vapor, The Beggars, Duende, Vazum, The Strains, any act with the chick from White Shag in it, Vellows, or the Hourlies.

5. Further lineup deman....requests: Both the Hourlies and Vellows cannot play. It can only be one as they seem to play every show together. Also, if The Strains are included there must be a clause where they agree to drop out a week before the show to drum up word of mouth and a replacement will be added (as long as it is not both The Hourlies and Vellows). Caveman Woodman and Drip Drip can do a pop-up set outside the venue, but we have other ideas for him.

6. The JCM goes on second from last. This is non-negotiable.

7. The show can only be held at or after the end of March due to logistics and scheduling.

8. We would like a space set aside for the Eugene and Hamtramck Music Fest Tax Advice Booth.

9. We would like to take a 15 minute break in between sets for a "What Dat Mouf Do?" vegetable-throating contest hosted by special guest MC Big Chicken.

10. We would like to request Greg Aubrey as the sound guy for the evening, but only if he agrees to give gluten-free explanations of the sound set-up in between sets as long as he doesn't interfere with the "What Dat Mouf Do?" competition mentioned above.

11. We would like space set aside for my personal bootlegger and Wizard, Kentucky Pete to set up his official stolen/bootlegged merch (10% to the venue for risk purposes).

12. We would like for Lee M. or Record Store Kid (only if the Hourlies aren't playing) to work the door checking ID's so nobody sneaks in without paying.

13. This was one of the most requested requests, which makes it a little too obvious: The M & M's. But it has to be included, but with a twist. Instead of having all the brown M & M's removed (this isn't 1968) we would like for every color to be represented equally.

14. Out back, we will need a Hamtramck Steve dunk tank. Moving on.

15. We will have to touch base and mend fences with unknown local hip hop artist 1magine to stage a protest for the show for not including any hip hop acts. But he would have to do it on a day when the venue is closed.

16. We will also need a space for the Lisa James Kissing Booth/Tent/Pavillion. It is preferred that this space not be close to the sound guy area.

17. We will need a section of the venue set aside for a Sheefy McFly art exhibit where you can view/purchase various Keith Haring tribute portraits.

18. There will be a need for food. We will need a BBQ grill with a 10 lb bag of Kingston easy light charcoal for the sidewalk hot dog stand. The stand will be run by Ben Collins and will only serve hot dogs.

Woodman will be the barista but only when he is on break from his sidewalk pop-up. The food is to be provided by Hip in Detroit.

19. We will also need to secure an agreement with the Checkers across the street for bottomless fries for Metro, -jr, and Asian bass player Wang.

20. And just because he needs the work, in addition to working the hot dog stand, Woodman can also host a pumpkin carving pop-up. But outside! Far outside. No knives will be provided.

21. Also outside, but farther down the street, we will need a space for the tambourine player Elizabeth First's abortion clinic/dispensary combo.

22. Back inside, we will need space for the George Morris time out/sleep zone, preferably far away from the stage. George Morris not near a stage plz.

23. We will need a safe space for the Ryan Allen/DJ Marcie Bolan (who hopefully would also spin during the "What Dat Mouf Do?" segments) Booster Booth. It is possible that during the JCM set people may want to leave and maybe go to, like Smalls, which has a proof of vaccination mandate. Oh wait, they don't any more? Weird. What happened/changed? Maybe we can scratch this request then (lose Allen/keep Marcie). I'm sure most of our audience has worse viruses to worry about anyway.

The Ukraine flag was a nice touch. In Vegas we would call that a social media parlay.

24. We will need a space sectioned off for the Queen Kwong Photo Booth. Caveat- Only tasteful photos please. $5 surcharge for a Metro appearance in the photo as he will be hovering around most of the time.  [Promo photo has been REDACTED]

25. We will need a space near the new arcade games for the Sadoffsky E-Girl Booth to discuss video games and pop culture in case you are bored with the music.

24. Finally, none of JSB's 7 bands until proof can be provided that the WAB employs a person of color.

So that about does it for our requests; not entirely unreasonable. Some are negotiable, but others are ironclad. Which are which? One day you may know. I would like to close with three things...

A- One of my favorite moments doing this was around 2017 when I received a direct message from somebody in a local band. I did not know them personally nor follow their band. They said, "You ribbed us, totally ripped us. We have officially made it!" It was sincere, even a little touching. So everything up there is mostly a rib, some harder than others. Deal with it. The most read local music site is talking about you.

B- Support your local artists, even if they hate us, and/or we find them insufferable. Support your local venues as well. Boycotting accomplishes nothing and is a cancer. We don't need the city to become as emaciated as the current print copy of the Metro Times.

C- And the most important thing is to just have fun. It's not that difficult. Actually, that may not be true. People tend to prefer to be miserable these days. If you are one of these people this show is not for you. Actually, it might be. Maybe. Anyway, thanks for reading!

Oh wait! I almost forgot. As I said earlier, I don't make any money from this site, but if you do want to support local art, my debut novel "The Invisible People" is out now and available for sale.

 There are some other books out there by local artists, and by all means seek them out if you want, but if you want to help support the site and this local artist feel free to seek it out at TheBookPatch.com or at this link:    The Invisible People

It is priced reasonably at $13 and the distribution is directly through the publisher. I don't have stacks of books laying around to be shipped out. I do not receive any personal information about anybody who buys it, so don't worry about that either. It is a weird book, fiction, part drama, thriller, comedy but not a comedy, romance, faux-romance, and horror story. Back in 2010 people said I would never come out with a book, but I did after all. Anyway, I'm starting to ramble and the sun is starting to rise. See you soon. Maybe...

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro