The Ultimate Face Turn-In Defense of Queen Kwong

 *The following is an Op-Ed, opinion piece, and if you feel anything should be removed just drop me a line and I'll do it per the rules of Lavender (est. 2015).

From the National Affairs Desk-

So as I wait for the sun to rise I get a message, a link, ominous, a warning, sent my way regarding an ongoing litigation/court case between indie artist Queen Kwong and has-been attention seeker Wes Borland. Because it is an ongoing situation I can't really give my legal insights to it out of respect to the judicial system (and my wallet), but since those rat bastards at Rolling Stone did my work for me and posted everything online before me and I am going to link it right here, then I feel that I can dip my toe in the pool (not that pool), just a taste. Here is the link. Once you are done closing the 50 fucking ads that pop up come back here. I'll be waiting. Let's chat.

Wes Borland Vs. Queen Kwong

All set? Ya got the gist of it? So I'm guessing this is the part you are waiting for. Let's go back to the past...

The Lavender Blog/JCM had a very minor run in with Queen Kwong, the band, back in something like 2016. The posts are currently down undergoing maintenance. As usual, we were a little miffed that this act (which was never from Michigan) was getting all these high caliber bookings, taking spots (and money) from home grown local musicians/bands. The local media was all over them, just absolute fawning. I think the peter puffers at the Metro Times even said they were going to save the Detroit scene, which was later actually used by TMZ. Our argument was logical: Two transplants being declared the saviors of Detroit at the expense of other local bands who were busting their asses at the time. I don't even include the Jesus Chainsaw in that group because A. We've never busted our asses as a band, and B. JCM and "expense" should never be in the same sentence. But we did have a grassroots following. I routinely received messages saying, "Thank you for saying what most of us cannot". This is true. Of course you had the local "star fuckers" who tried to worm their way in bills with them (you know who you are and have to live with it).

So when we found ourselves booked on the same music festival (the name eludes me) as Queen Kwong, and we posted a semi-rude preview of all the acts that may or may not have included some very tastefully shot photos of some of the bands. We were promptly removed. For months, it was the only thing people were even talking about. Meetings were held, threats were made, the festival happened, it was a dud and that was that. Unfortunately, due to this we were officially banned from pretty much everything until we retired as a live act.

Jump, flash, cut to today and Wes Borland and Carrie Callaway are divorced and as I am waiting for the sun to come up this Rolling Stone article comes across my desk. It kind of made me feel a little....icky. I knew that they (let's be honest, she) did a lot of work with rescue animals, a cause that is very near and dear to me. The last few JCM shows/events, all of the money has gone to animal rescue. Coming from a band that has made next to nothing, I like to think that as pretty nice. So when I saw some of the details involving the divorce including the animal rescues, specifically a cat named Daisy. Well now you have made an enemy.

Wes Borland comes across as the type of failed theater kid who has to make up for his marginal talent by dressing up like a complete flake, all the while indulging on the "Jack White Diet". To be fair, I do believe that Queen Kwong's "push" had a lot to do with him. I mean you have acts like the failed drug kids in Jamaican Queens trying to break though when we all knew it would never happen. Why not hitch the wagons to the act with the failed theater kid who has to make up for his marginal talent by dressing up like a complete flake on the Jack White Diet? I called it out in 2016, but today I understand why. The local scene is kind of lame. I don't know what I am trying to say. Just tossing thoughts at the wall waiting for the sun to rise on a day in 2023.

Is Kwong a clout chaser? Maybe. Is Borland a bloated has-been? Possibly. Like I said up there I'm not exactly where is post is meant to go, but the funniest thing in the Rolling Stone link is this quote: "They adversely affect Mr. Borland's public image and reputation that he built over a twenty plus year career."

I'm going to need a minute to finish my laughing.

Okay, I'm back. One thing that I really despise is tone deaf irony and that last statement just really takes the cake. Actually better than any satire written here over the years. So, to close, here is a top ten list of my favorite Limp Bizkit lyrics all of which are at least partially credited to Wes Borland. Not sure if he contributed to them but at least signed off on them to turn a profit. In no order, how could there be?

10. "First one to complain, leaves with a blood stain."

9. "I'm broke and for that you deserve a smackin' for a slackin'"

8. "I crawled up your butt from hell."

7. "Got lost in Boston, looking for a tea party. Met a child molester in Worchester."

6. "Why is everybody always picking on me?" Bwahahahahahahhaha

5. "This is dedicated to you Ben Stiller. You are my favorite motherfucker."

4. "Imma fuck you up, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you up Douche Bag"

3. "Pop off the rock ship, pop pop pop, off the rock ship."

2. "Yeah, kill that motherfucker."

1. "I've been looking for my Mrs. Right, but she don't exist, but chemistry is everything and we're anything but this."

So this ribbonhead is suing her for $5000 and "sanctions" whatever that means, because SHE is ruining his reputation??!! I give up. This is a guy that is pushing 50 that has a band called "Big Dumb Face". Just total tone deaf embarrassment. Just sign to Third Man Records already and do a collaboration called "Mid-Life Crisis".

To be fair, the riff for "Rollin'" is a total banger. Undertaker agrees.

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