Review of the New Dodge Final Show. It was always meant to be this way.

 "We were halfway to Hamtramck when the drugs began to take hold."

Bryan Metro (The Writer/Vocalist)-

   It is last week and I am with Elizabeth First, the tambourine player, who is about to go parachuting, and today my role is that of the "Responsible Driver". I was originally supposed to participate (the selling point was "We're both borderline suicidal, so why not?"), but that wasn't going to happen. Roles sometimes change and now we are at a restaurant in Plymouth discussing the final show at the New Dodge Lounge in Hamtramck which was due to happen on Saturday and that we were booked for.

   "We could protest our own show," she suggests, a device that we have used in the past, most recently our other last show in 2018 at Simon's in Allen Park, but it is especially relevant today because protests are "in" right now, protests are the new black. In fact a protest happened at the New Dodge the week before. Some local nobody, whose name doesn't deserve the mention here, even though it would be the most press he's ever gotten in his career as an artist, had an issue regarding the lack of hip hop acts playing the New Dodge and showed up with a sign after trying to organize a gathering, the dreaded "Peaceful Protest", but he was...the...only...one...who...showed. The cherry on top was he picked a day that the joint was closed. Who was he going to protest to? Some derelict across the street at Checkers?

   "We could have an on stage abortion," Elizabeth also suggests, and I write it down, but low on the list because we had already killed off E First twice before, most recently our last show in 2018 where she played the role of Sharon Tate. Everything was wide open, the stars real, the future that mountain.

Elizabeth First (Tambourine)-

   Last week I had this skydiving thing and figured Metro would be a good fit, plus we had to talk about this show at The Sanctuary or some place in Hamtramck, and I told him the skydiving shouldn't be an issue because he is borderline suicidal which he thought was a great line and said he would make sure to use it in one of his posts. The skydiving was rad and I want to get my certification, and maybe one day I will. After, we went to this bar in Northville to talk more about the show which is where I said it would be cool if I had an on stage abortion.

-jr (Lead Guitar)-

   Metro told me about this show at the New Dodge, sigh, shrug, whatever, but I needed to get out of town anyway, fly back home, and who knows, it could be fun, but in the end I could care less. So I said, "Sure, count me in, fuckhead."

Sebastian Owl (JCM Accountant)-

   Metro told me about this supposed "final show" at the New Dodge and a chill washed over me but receded when he said that -jr would be there. Robby was having a panic attack, crying as usual, and the only thing I could say was, "You'll have fun," which helped things and then he said, "Okay."

Wang (Asian Bass Player)-

   I won tickets to the premiere of the Red Wings documentary and will in no way be at this show. Also, I sold the bass anyway.

Elizabeth First-

   I spend ten minutes looking for a used bass for Wang but give up when I realize that there is no way he is making this show.

Bryan Metro-

   Jump, flash, cut to the day before the show and I see that they overturned Roe V. Wade and I reach for my phone to message E First, "Okay, you win, the abortion gimmick," but I see that she has already messaged me, "I am livid. The abortion gimmick." So I put my phone on vibrate without responding and go back to sleep.

Elizabeth First-

   I was enraged by the Roe V. Wade thing and knew the on stage abortion gimmick was the way to go so I messaged Metro saying, "I am livid. The abortion gimmick," and he responded, "If there's anything worth doing, it's worth doing right," and then I went to work.

-jr-

   I really couldn't care less. I never pay attention to what they do anyway. I then message Peter the Freshman to see if he's in for this thing and then go to work.

Peter the Freshman (Guitar)-

   I'm in. Why not? If there's anything worth doing, it's worth doing right.

It's Showtime!

Bryan Metro-

   We were somewhere around Romulus, on the edge of Melvindale, when the drugs began to take hold. It's the day of the show and E First, Sebastian Owl, and myself are driving at a semi-conservative pace down I-94 (? I had gotten lost earlier), and in the car we have a prosthetic stomach, a jug, a gallon, of blood, some type of doll, a bear maybe, and an ominous Gatoraid bottle, something sinister, a warning, and E First is telling us about how when she closes her eyes she sees nothing but black, and I tune out and think that would be a good line for the book. We get to the venue and park at Autozone for old time's sake.

Elizabeth First-

   We were somewhere around Dearborn, on the edge of Dearborn Heights when the drugs began to take hold. Which drugs? You'll never know. I'm in the car with Metro and Jean, who is basically the JCM manager, I think. We have a bunch of t-shirts that we will never sell and a toy bear that I plan on cutting out of my stomach, the fake stomach, and I think things are looking up.

Sebastian Owl-

   We were somewhere around Northville, on the edge of Plymouth, when the drugs began to take hold. I'm listening to people talking and just keep thinking, "This will be fun. This will be fun. This will be fun, This will be fun," and then someone starts talking about darkness and sharks and then I ask them if they have an inner dialogue or voice and then they reply, "Nothing."

-jr-

   I get to the New Dodge to find Metro with a stupid haircut that makes him look sick or maybe dying, but oddly younger, and he is with JAG, who looks angry, and Alison Poole, the tambourine player, who seems to be wired. I contemplate just turning around and going home and I almost do.

Bryan Metro-

   -jr arrives in great spirits and we catch up before loading in. During this time Peter the Freshman also arrives and we catch up before loading in. We take the time to observe the crowd. Somebody is wearing a "Let's Go Brandon" shirt. This thing could go 50/50. We end up protesting the show anyway.

Wang-

   I'm at the film premiere and I think about the show across town. I'm 50/50.

-jr-

   Len and Ifo had big hits that summer. I remember "Steal My Sunshine" was on repeat while I was in line for The Raptor. The girl in front of me passed out from heat stroke or something. I got caught staring at this women on Thunder Canyon. Her bf caught me and was pissed. She didn't notice or just didn't care.

Elizabeth First-

   Some girl is wearing a "Let's Go Brandon" shirt. Ughhhhhhhh. My vibe is compromised and there are actions that need to be taken to correct this. I ask Metro to go to the car and then we do.

Sebastian Owl-

   Somebody is wearing a "Let's Go Brandon" shirt and she is very loud and Metro is cackling, rubbing his hands, and First is blanching. This might not be fun after all.

-jr-

   Some bitch is wearing a "Let's Go Brandon" shirt but she is way too fat and this makes her a Nope!

The Show Revue (Finally)

Bryan Metro-

   We check in with the owners just to make sure we haven't been canceled already. Thankfully, the owner knew E First, who seems to know everybody, and we loaded in. She then attaches the prosthetic stomach filled with balloons of blood from the jug in the car ("Let's go out to the car"), and successfully convinces 50/50 of the crowd that she is indeed late term pregnant despite drinking a Vodka Cranberry (and being served). Some geezer zones in because that is what happens

and First mentions to me, "I bet he has money," a warning.

   -jr and I discuss the set list (8 songs) and decide to trim it to four. I make a bet with Peter whether we win the crowd over. He says yes. I say no. E First asks me to go to the car and then we do.

-jr-

   Metro suggests we should shave the setlist. I don't care. There are absolutely no hardbodies here tonight. We should have just gone to the casino or, at worst, Henry VIII's where we could have at least scored some drugs. Whatever.

Elizabeth First-

   Me and Metro go out to the car but by the time we get there I don't know why we did, so we stand there thinking why, and I mention that we should have gone to the Flight Club where I think I might know some people so we at least could get drugs, some drugs, and then he mentions the girl in the "Let's Go Brandon" t-shirt and then says, "Get angry," and maybe I will.

Bryan Metro-

   First and I are out by the car and we can't figure out why because our drinks were inside the bar. I stand off to the side muttering, thinking that we missed an opportunity not going to the Toy Chest or Wild Mustang, whatever its called to get some drugs, but I see it is time for us to go on so we go back.

Elizabeth First-

   Time to shine!

-jr-

   Well, this is it. Deal with it.

Peter the Freshman-

   Rock and roll.

Bryan Metro-

   The show went surprisingly well. I didn't forget a single word (I think) and we were locked in, more or less. Peter the Freshman won the bet on winning the crowd over and E First aborted herself onstage, coating the floor in blood. The crowd was confused, then receptive, and then baffled by the last song. Most of the bikers loved it. Some people didn't. What was the message? You tell me. Figure it out. The message was "Whatever makes you feel better".

-jr-

   I saw nothing. A ghost. I never watch what they do. I...just...don't...care.

Sebastian Owl-

   They actually sounded good. It was fun. But once the set ended I knew the shadow was about to fall.

Peter the Freshman-

   Well shit-fire! That was fun.

Elizabeth First-

   I tried to get as many photos as possible and wish I used more blood but I had a really great time. Plus it is only 11pm and

JoTown( DJ/Performer/Soundguy)-

   These fucking assholes. Covered the entire stage in this red shit. They will be cleaning it up, not me.

Bryan Metro-

   The sound guy comes up to me asking/telling me that we have to clean the blood up. I tell him, "Of course," and then do nothing. Frustrated, he goes over to -jr and says the same, who says, "Whatever." I get a text from E First saying she needs to go to the car again.

-jr-

   The sound guy wants us to clean up the stage. I tell him to go talk to Metro.

E First-

   I drop off my stuff at the car. I lost the aborted bear so I fully commit to getting as twisted as absolutely possible. Is that Woodman?

-jr-

   I'm outside with Metro and Peter and Woodman shows up and buys us coney dogs. Very cool, but we aren't eating and we give the dogs to the bikers and then we see that Woodman saw us do it and he laughs but may have been crying, and things are about to turn sour.

Bryan Metro-

   I'm back in the venue and there are coney dogs all over our table and Woodman comes up and all he says is, "You win. No idea how this happened," and I agree, slapping a high five and I look and see that E First is officially off the rails and

-jr-

   I'm outside with Peter again and this Arab guy is hitting on everyone out here, even the "passes" or Hip in Detroit interns. He is crowding them and getting on his knees, kissing their hands. Really sad. I bet he gets killed tonight. If it was me I'd kill myself.

Peter the Freshman-

   There is this tiny Indian guy that is getting on -jr's nerves. And now he's coming over here.

Bryan Metro-

   This Arab stereotype is pissing everyone off outside and he comes over to us and asks -jr something I couldn't hear or can't remember. The phone starts buzzing. E First: "Need to go to the car.", and then -jr is telling this stranger that he has Covid and the Arab says, "I've had it three times, it's okay," and then -jr tells him, "If I ever see you again, you're dead. Count on it." So the creep walks away muttering "they're crazy".

Elizabeth First-

   This Mexican guy is wandering around kissing girls' hands and wants to dance and I want to dance but in the end he is creepy and Jean Owl is glaring at him, ready to kill him, and then Metro and -jr come back in and the Samoan leaves so I go back to dancing.

Sebastian Owl-

   Some people are the worst.

-jr-

   I have to leave.

Peter the Freshman-

   I gotta split.

Elizabeth First-

   Another round?

Bryan Metro-

   I'm on board with that.

Sebastian Owl-

Bryan Metro-

   -jr and Peter leave and JoTown, the DJ, begins a roast/eulogy for the New Dodge and everyone is invited to share a story. At this point JoTown has taken to wearing gloves because of all the blood still on the stage and he probably was tired of it getting on his hands. After First feeds me another drink I decide to go up and share my tale. She follows. "Thirty minutes ago I played at the New Dodge," I start, and everyone waits for me to continue. E First has a frozen, almost shocked, grin and finishes with, "The blood is on your hands." People actually applauded, confused. I turn to look at JoTown and he is in the corner weeping.

Elizabeth First-

   Thirty minutes of people talking in any situation can be so lame and I just want to get back to partying and maybe dancing. The blood is on their hands.

Bryan Metro-

   It was at this point that the evening started to really spiral. The Orbitsuns were loading in, late of course. What, were they at Smalls? Vinnie still looks like he Googled "How to be a rock star?" and then went to Showtime on Woodward for wardrobe. He has also taken to wearing hats. Is he losing his hair. They always recycle that same promo picture that looks like it was taken at a Buddy's Pizza so it is possible. E First tells me that she is staying for the set. Sebastian Owl tells me they are leaving.

Sebastian Owl-

   I'm leaving.

Elizabeth First-

   Jean decides to leave, but I really want to stay. I think I'm staying.

Bryan Metro-

   Sebastian Owl has left, First is in the New Dodge singing along to The Orbitsuns, which actually unnerves me more than being stranded, and I convince myself they are just cover songs. I always knew it would end this way. Fuck it.

-jr-

   Fuck it.

Sebastian Owl/Jean-

   Fuck it. 

Peter the Freshman-

   Fuck it.

Wang-

   I wasn't even there. Fuck it.

Elizabeth First-

   Fuck it.

The Honor Roll-

   We had fun.

The Aftermath

Bryan Metro-

   I wake up to messages from all the parties involved. Most of those messages will not be replayed here because this is the game that moves as you play and you need to pay for the Gold Pass. E First went to work (a small victory) still covered in blood she couldn't scrub off. -jr messaged me that [REDACTED]. I woke up (a small victory) and wrote this revue and then went to get dinner without even trying to wash off the blood from the night before. Sebastian Owl may or may not have broken their wrist but wanted to grill but we all agreed that everybody should just take the day off. Wang may have won on blackjack. As I hit "Publish" I realize this may be my most personal post I've ever written here because everything that happened may actually have happened but there is the possibility that some parts did not. In the end we will be here, around, forever, because we are Legion.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Bryan Metro