Jack White Returns Home, Ruins the Natl Anthem, and Shamelessly Gets Married

*The following is satire. A satirical post. As always if anyone has an issue e-mail please and we will remove anything that may be deemed offensive to anyone's sensitive nature. Once again satire. Those are not real Vegas odds.  

From the National Affairs Desk-

Hey all Metro here. I was going to write a grandiose piece about this, then decided to make a joke and say "Just read the headline", but will settle on a middle ground.

So hey there! Happy Opening Day. Go Tigers. Amazing comeback win. Abracadabra yabba dabba oo!

Since the local music journalist thing is pretty much dead, we here at the JCM wanted to be the first to announce that hometown kid made good Jack White got married today, on stage, on opening night of his "Cash Flow Issues" tour. It capped off a momentous day for Jack. He started it off with probably the worst received National Anthem in recent memory where he manages to get the players and staff to visibly roll their eyes on television, and that was before he botches what key its in, smirks, and then tells his geezer band mates that "Its okay" after they are done. Find it on youtube. Around the 1.23 mark is where it turns.....bad-der.

Then to cap off the night, after a few 8 balls, he kicked off his "Supply Chain Cash Flow" tour at the Masonic which is cool, but JW playing the Masonic is about as cutting edge as Dude or the Muggs playing at Cadieux Cafe or Dear Darkness playing at Kelly's or the local crack den. All joking (?) aside, the end of the show featured a genuine "moment" where Jack proposed to his girlfriend Olivia Jean who I was not familiar with up until now. They then got married on stage with the ceremony officiated by a member of his team and the best man/maid of honor members of his team. JCM member E First was in attendance, on acid which I don't even think is cool anymore, and failed to give updates before the first song even started. But hey, a free concert is a free concert amitritete?

We here at the JCM would like to be the first local publication to congratulate the newlyweds. I hope tomorrow's show can live up to this as JCM Founding Father -jr will be in house, juiced to the gills and ready to rumble. But really, congrats to JW and Olivia, especially Olivia who is about 5 years away from doing promo work for the Derby Girls. Its not often that you can get a record deal having little to no buzz, land an opening spot/slot on a major tour, and then end up marrying the head honcho of the record company and tour. Dreams do come true. 

So in true JCM fashion, being the gambling conglomerate that we are. Here are some Vegas Prop bets.  We are not officially licensed to conduct gambling here but you can always close your eyes and pretend:

JCM Jack White Prop Bets-

How long will the marriage last?

Over 6 months: -150   Under 6 months: +200  Until the tour ends: EVEN

Will Olivia appear in an upcoming video?

Yes: -2000  No: +700

Is Woodman on wellness check watch for not being Best Man?

Yes: -110   No: -115

Who will be next?

*My intention was to list every artist on the Third Man label as being Jack's next conquest (yes, even Danny Dollrod because its 2022) but that would have been exhausting so lets just narrow it down:

Somebody currently signed: +100, Somebody Not Signed: -110 Marcie: +25000

 

Carolin: +30000, Loretta Lynn: -150, Dolly Parton: -150, Brendon Benson: -200,

Dick Valentine: -115

Patti Smith: +200, Jackson Smith: +200, Tunde: +2000, Margaret Dollrod: +1000

Lightning Love Leah: +300, Ben Collins: +150, The Other Guy: +400

Jen Psaki (not that out of reach):  +1000

E First: +2500, Sadie: +10000099837909488930, The Chick from Kaleido: +120

Queen Kwong (for old times sake): +300

C'mon you didn't think I was going to go that far back did ya?

That's all I have for now. Place your bets in the comments and thanks for playing! This is, after all, the game that moves as you play.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

*Note: Though all of the photos used were posted by the individuals themselves in public domain on the world wide web, if anyone would like anything removed just email me at bryanmetro1@hotmail. Selah.