Dinosaurs in Vietnam, Panama Stem Cells, and Review of HMF 2021

 

From the National Affairs Desk-

*Pre-post note. Ok, they have finally done the trick. I am fully vaccinated but have stayed away from endorsing or dissuading from anyone else doing it, but Their constant beating down and smothering my fortitude has finally worked. This week we were submitted to the rantings of their true secret bio weapon- This debased piece of work:

That did it. My spirits are broken. Please, I am 100% endorsing the vaccine. Anyone reading who has yet to get it, get it. I cannot stand a single additional moment of this. They have won. I am defeated. I have finally taken a side. Get the shot(s). The worst part is I think he's worrying about the wrong virus eyyyooooo. Ok, on to the post...

     "There's dinosaurs in Vietnam," has been blasting through the high powered speaker system in the National Affairs Suite at the JCMsTown Compound and I'm drinking some Kool Aid and outlining what damage I can cause during the JCM Las Vegas Story later this month when the buzzer goes off at the Sports Desk which has been closed for an hour now. The Mojo Wire has been fucked at the National Affairs Desk for a few days now which has me in a very weird state of mind with the Vegas assignment in only a few weeks.

I hop on over and see an incoming message from Skippy. Skippy is a friend from a friend from years ago. Nice guy, one of the most buttoned down, stand up guys I know, not an evil bone in his body. One could call him a "square" but then they'd have me to deal with. Skippy's message was simple enough, "Hey Bryan, my wife is out of town this weekend and I was thinking about going to that Hamtramck Music Fest. The thing is I don't know much of anything about any of the bands, the Fest, the venues, or Hamtramck. I saw a few of your posts about it but didn't read them. I did see the hubbub about Smalls and their vaccine requirements. I like to think of myself as pretty punk rock and that is pretty punk rock. I want to support punk rock and I figured you'd be covering it."

I wasn't planning on covering it. I figured that my previews were enough for this year. However the thought of dragging this poor guy around Hamtramck to see what "punk rock" is in 2021 would be enough to shatter his psyche and prevent future messages. After all, the more these old punk fuckers stick around the more they end up becoming part of the machine they think they are ranging against. The world has enough Chris Taylor's and Brett Callwood's out there. Plus it would be fun to show him how catastrophically unorganized the thing was along with the threats of physical harm that come with the territory. Plus there was a part of me that was curious about it all. What would the turnout be like? Would other venues have mask policies? After all, this is the first HMF/Blowout type of event in a pandemic. There really are no other local journalists in town. Years ago I said that as a joke to rile people up, but it has come true. I am the last one.

   "Count me in, but you're driving. I'll have a schedule and map ready. I can trust you right?"

   "Of course Bryan. I'm better now," Skippy reassured. 

I had reason to be cautious. The last time I was with Skippy he asked me to meet him at an Enterprise car rental in Madison Heights and insisted I be completely sober, drug free, and have my notebook. Since he works in the stock market I figured he had a good lead that I could piggyback on. I arrived at the rental place just in time to witness him in an argument with the staff. I had never seen him this way.

   "Do you know who I am? I asked for the tank. The heaviest vehicle you have with the absolute fucking worst gas mileage. Money is no object," he was shouting. I felt the need to assist.

   "Excuse me. Maybe I can be of assistance. My name is Bryan Sebastian Metro and I am this man's biographer. We need the car he reserved. It is..."

   "This man has no reservation," the clerk interrupted.

   "We must have the car. The tank. Money is no object as my client has stated."

After another half hour of this theater they just gave us the car to get us out of there and we were on the road in a GMC Yukon Denali XL, Skippy at the wheel. He kept insisting that I have his insurance papers and memorize a script that he had typed up. 

   "I don't understand. The things in this script are incorrect. I am a doctor, yes, but not your doctor, and even then I can only marry or bury. Well now I can also provide vaccination exemptions but I'm still working on the legalities and..."

   "No no no, not MY doctor, but it helps with the story that you ARE a doctor. By the way, what do you know about stem cell therapy? I have to have a hip replacement and my guy says that Panama is the place to be. What can you tell me about Panama?" he asked still making zero sense.

   "In this script I keep calling someone Will. Who is Will?

   "Will is who I am calling the cop. It could be any name though. Make sure you get his real name before calling him Will."

   "What cop? I am lost!"

   "Just make sure you have the main parts memorized. So, nothing about Panama then?"

   "I think I have it but HOLY CHRIST! You just ran that cyclist off the road. Stop! He's not moving."

   "Yeah, sucks. Just memorize the lines. They have to be said exactly as written. My real doctor drew them up. I've taken a large quantity of...one second," he says and then clips the passenger side mirror off the rental by dragging an underpass.

   "Jesus man, that is going to be trouble," I am starting to panic but not really due to the large quantity of anti anxiety medication I had already taken. I have a Pez dispenser of them on me at all times.

   "Car's insured remember. Okay, get your head on straight. It's Go Time!" Skippy yells and promptly slams into a Kia forcing it into the median, "Two points," he screams.

Before I can assume crash position I see him force two other cars into oncoming traffic though with minimal damage.

   "Hey Metro be on the watch for another faggot on a bike. There's too many out there these days. So smug. So passe is more like it, am I right buddy? Fuck, its the cops. Already. Okay, have your lines ready. I'm chomping the pill under my tongue right now. It'll be in the system by the time we get to Beaumont."

He then slams on the brakes and completes an entire 180 while simultaneously kicking the seat back. All the vehicles are now stopped. I get out.

   "Officers, this man needs dire help," I say trying to remember my lines, "He is my sponsor and was taking me to my AA meeting," (That bastard), "but he started having a convulsion. I saw it all. He is an epileptic with a bad heart. Here is the rental's paperwork. We are fully insured, but this man needs a doctor!"

I look and see Skippy peeking at me, grinning, with a thumbs up. We are quickly transferred to the hospital where he is admitted and I am given a ride home by his wife, who is completely confused. I am not as shocked as I should have been. Earlier that week I saw a similar incident on the internet involving former JCM correspondent Loretta Scarr who pulled a stunt like this but neglected to have a witness, insurance, a registered vehicle, and a reasonable explanation.

This was eight months ago and this buttoned down closet nutcase is on his way to pick me up to go to the largest ill-advised local music festival in the country. What terrible plans would he have this time? I didn't want us to be late or lost so I attempted to print a map and schedule for Friday at HMF. Jesus Christ. Did anybody else attempt this? The map was completely black with circles representing each venue but had no names or addresses. The band schedules were just as bad with each venue printing out on its own page. Impossible to deal with and completely worthless. So I scrambled together a wish list, left the HMF provided crap for the cats to deal with, and waited for him to arrive.

When Skippy arrived he informed me that his wife was out of town so he would have to be on his best behavior, but he needed to get out and was already twisted on pot and mushrooms. It took us 30 minutes just to get to the freeway which he bypassed anyway to take surface streets to Hamtramck.

   "You keeping up with the drag racing epidemic around here?" he asks as I tense up.

   "Yes," I add to this unfortunate conversation.

   "They even use ATV's now. They really need to shut it down. I'm not saying anyone needs to die, but it would benefit everyone if they just hurt a few." 

Jesus, he's gotten worse. We park at a chicken or pizza place a block away from PLAV #10, the HMF HQ, and get our things together.

   "Do you think I'll get towed? I don't see any signs. Do you mind if I smoke a joint before we go? Let's go down this street away from the car," he asks, so many questions.

   "That's not a street. It's an alley. Let's do it here in the lot. Nobody's getting towed. Hamtramck doesn't even have any police I think," I lie knowing full well they were busting people for U-turns everywhere the night before at the kickoff show.

   "Okay, you want any? I plan on quitting by the end of the summer anyway."

   "Nah why not wait until the end of Fall? Then you'd have Halloween and Thanksgiving," I suggest, not helping.

   "Good call. Forgot about the Fall. Yeah, maybe winter even," he rationalizes, my work here is done, "So, Bry, no police here eh? Those fuckers defunded them too. So close to home now. This may be an advantage."

I finish getting my notes, camera, voice recorder, and cash packed up and we get ready to roll, but Skippy's still on edge. A group of three black guys walk past us coming from the alley. They are not wearing wristbands.

   "Hey is it okay to park here? I just don't want to get towed," he asks them as I try to decide whether to laugh or cry. They don't even reply. They are probably just as baffled as I am.

We agree that it's okay to park the car there in the lot and head over to PLAV #10. Halfway there I notice that Skippy is carrying a medium-sized tin coffee can. He notices me noticing.

   "Yeah, this... Well the wife is out of town, but all of last week I was staying in the camper you sold me because she kicked me out," he explains, "Kicked me right out of the house."

I had sold him the camper back in 2016 after the naming party fiasco resulted in it being called [REDACTED]. It had caused enough headaches for me as it was.

   "So, I'm in the camper, J Slim, trying to figure out a way to get back at her so I grabbed this can of Folgers here to cook something up. Then she decides to visit her folks before I'm finished and I'm stuck with it..."

I say nothing.

   "This is what you call Prison Brew. Its usually used for payback on a crooked guard or a snitch. I have been pissing and shitting in this very can for the entire week, letting it sit outside in this miserable heat and humidity. This can is Grade A ready to go, man. Nobody is going to mess with us here. The second they get close enough to smell this gift from god they will be sorry, let me tell you. For six and a half fucking days this can has been sitting under my cot in the camper, festering, and when it wasn't under there it was outside in this Michigan summer covered in flies. Its probably filled with maggots. I haven't looked in a few days. I had to start a new one back home. So if any of those dingerbats from the parking lot tries anything with the car I'm going to rip the lid off this vile creation and whip seven days of the worst human production right into their faces. Let me tell you what would happen after that. They will be so baffled and confused it would give me plenty of time to slide this screwdriver into the back of their knees, crippling them for life, and then I start a brand new Prison Brew right on their gasping faces. I bet you thought it was funny when I asked them if it was okay if we parked there or if we would be towed. I was just planting the seed. I want them to try me, us. Fuck, the car isn't even in my name. You want funny? I'm Jerry Fucking Lewis except this clown is all out of tears, let me tell you. We're testing that Hamtramck police theory of yours tonight."

We get to PLAV #10 and I was shocked at how empty it was. This is their HQ! A ghost town. Skippy sets the Prison Brew down and orders three $2 hot dogs as I go to get our passes. As expected, I was not on the list. The volunteers were very nice but overwhelmed which is stunning because I was the only one in line. I asked where I could get a 2021 HMF t shirt that I saw them advertising on Facebook, but they informed me that the t shirt person no showed. They did provide me with a nice printed map on hard stock paper that would have been wonderful to have beforehand....

Back at the bar at PLAV #10 Skippy had predictably disappeared, but I did run into E First who I hadn't seen in months.

   "Hey Bryan, sorry but I'm off social media for a while now just doing the brew thing. Why are you looking at me funny?" she asks.

   "The brew thing? Not you too..."

   "Yeah, the brew thing. Me and my friends all do it. Sometimes at the end of the night if we have any brew left over we all try to see who can drink the most the quickest. Hey don't judge."

It is even worse than I could have ever imagined I think to myself. Or maybe I said it out loud. Still she continues...

   "When I'm not doing that Bobby has me flying all over the world working on these projects. We don't even worry about the superflu. His vaccinations are so much better than theirs. If you want I can see if you can come along for the next one later this month in New Orleans. I started a cult there but the plan all along was to wipe them out. The son of the main challenger to the Louisiana governor is in the cult. He's fun, but not smart. Do you understand?"

I nod along but am concerned because the dialogue she is reciting are lines I wrote for her in 2011. The Louisiana stuff is new, but everything up to that point is old including the references to Bobby. I'm Bobby!

After paying for her drinks I excuse myself and head over to Barter Bar or whatever its called to check out the scene. To nobody's surprise they didn't check my wristband. I purposely was not wearing mine, but rather had it in my pocket for the experiment. Barter was pretty full on the outdoor patio and around the bar, but the band section was light. There were no wristbands anywhere.

But there was some decent Slash. More on that later in the GNR section.

I jogged over to High Dive and was stopped at the door. "Ok, here we go," I thought.

   "ID please," the doorguy asks.

   "No no I'm only here for the music fest. I don't plan on voting," my feeble attempt at political humor falls flat, "Just kidding, here it is. I'm a journalist. Covering this for something. This is the Hamtramck Music Fest right? I'm here for the bands. Okay? Anything else you need? Good to go? Nothing else?" I was begging for him to ask me for my wristband. I almost offered to show it to him.

   "Nah, go ahead. Have fun."

No wristband checks. To save time later in this post, this happened at EVERY venue I stopped at during the Fest on Friday. Every one. Nothing much was going on at High Dive. I think more people were at the bar instead of watching whatever band was playing. The vocal recorder malfunctioned so I have no record, probably for the best.

When I got back to PLAV #10 Skippy had resurfaced but his can of prison brew was missing. I was not sure if it was lost or worse so I made sure not to bring it up but did have my can of mace I purchased from Harry's Army Surplus last year within reach just in case his parking lot experiment backfired and I had to spray the entire can of "Chemical Billy" into some savage's face.

Duende was playing upstairs and I had to catch a few songs as they are always pretty good. They would be good for Skippy whose only musical request of the night was "No fucking jazz". As soon as we got up there I saw that the t shirt girl was set up and was printing shirts. Well, not exactly because nobody was buying any which was sad because I thought the design was semi cool this year. Much better than those awful Prince rip offs a few years ago. I felt bad for her so I bought two, one of which I planned on listing on Ebay to help cover the cost of the wristband, drugs, gas, and other expenses. Duende was great as always even though their drummer despises me. It was sad that there weren't more people there. This is me at my most sincere and earnest. It really bummed me out.

They went from performing with JCM at a semi-packed May Days years ago in front of a crazed, twisted crowd.....

.....to this, performing next to a bathroom.

I had to get out before somebody called in a wellness check so we went to Polish Village to check out JCM Fan Club president, but not really, Mitchell Allen. Polish Village was also light on crowd although the HMF sound girl was very sweet and I plan on posting a "Missed Connection" after I get done with my Ebay listing. There were people there though, mostly musicians and those wanting to get away from the STD petrie dish Dear Darkness was cooking up at Whiskey in the Jar. The crowd here was more reserved aside from a table of four drunk girls (two maybes and two passes, a decent ratio for HMF on a Friday). I considered warning them to stay away from the chicken or pizza place's parking lot we parked at because Blowout, but fuck it. Chemical Billy and I (and Skippy who was fading) would be back there soon enough. Mitchell was great as always and it was really nice to see one of the true friends who are still chooglin' and not hiding or in fear. He didn't even mind the old hazmat suit prank. Nobody did. Sigh.

Skippy and I left soon after and he was already plotting on going to a strip club. 

   "Metro, you always attract the twisted ones, these total drug addict fractured creatures that have the best....drugs. Wanna go?" Before I could say yes he was fumbling for one of his scripts which helped make my decision.

   "No," I replied, "We should get you back." This has turned dark for me. We didn't speak much the rest of the way.

The next day I woke to a message from Skippy asking if I wanted to go back Saturday. I declined and decided I had everything I needed for my review: Light crowds. No wristbands. Little fun and less danger. Decent ratios. This was not my scene anymore. I decided to check out Suicide Squad instead.

It was fun! That's my review. A R-Rated Guardians of the Galaxy. The middle section dragged a bit, but the cast was obviously having fun which can be contagious, and it delivered when it needed to. As expected from a James Gunn helmed superhero film, the soundtrack was dated but memorable. There were really no weak links in the cast except for, shockingly, Harley Quinn. Her dialogue felt forced at times and limp. The character may have run its course, but no fault of the always game Margot Robby Starr. Her romantic subplot with the evil general killed the momentum. Avoiding spoilers, the ending was suitably over the top. Overall, it had traces of every superhero movie ever, The Expendables/Dirty Dozen, Watchmen (mocking Alan Moore's pretentious ending), and even Cabin in the Woods with the office people running the show. A solid B+

Sunday I met up with Wang Yellowbone and went to the Guns N Roses show down at Comerica. Sadly we missed Woodman and Bust Nuts performing on the street. I really would have liked to play the dollar bill trick on him and then ask why he was so quiet on the HMF front this year which I think is the real story. It was glaring. You can't say it was to let others have the attention because, once again, he was playing on the street before a Guns N Roses show. I love Woodman, always have always will, but I had to wonder why bother with this. Was it for attention? I didn't even see a guitar case or hat for money in the video I watched. Very depressing. The ghost of Detroit and the Friends of Bryan Metro (good band name) Decline and debasement continues. First Duende's bathroom set and now Woodman going from performing with a wild crowd with JCM at the New Way...

... to apathy on the street. This is like some bizarro Dickens novel.

Ye gods, baby baby baby we're really out of time.

Comerica was not as full as I expected. Wang and I were in the blowjob seats (I refuse to use "nosebleed"), but still had a great view.

The band was on point; amazing actually. Slash is an absolute master. Multiple times I had to stop and think why was he trying so hard. Duff looked to be in amazing condition for someone whose pancreas once exploded giving hope to us all, and his cover of The Stooges' "I Wanna Be Your Dog" was a highlight. Axl was good as well. I had my worries coming in, and he did struggle with "Live and Let Die" and "Knockin' on Heaven's Door", but was good to great on everything else. The best song of the night was "Double Talkin' Jive", an underrated gem that JCM once covered in 2011 at LJ's Lounge. Overall, a B+ show. Would see again.

So that's it. This post was a monster. I know, tl;dr, etc etc. Hope you enjoyed it and hope you got some insight in case you are one of the hundreds who missed everything this past weekend. The next post is the biggie. The Las Vegas Story. I'll try my best not to let you down. Not a prediction, but a spoiler. Oh, buy the merch. Cash me mah fah's.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

where is she?

-jr
Where oh where???

Hamtramck Music Fest Final Preview Part 5 Letters ?-? The Scum Also Rises

Last Update- Covered the Fest on Friday. Yes, not a fake post. It'll be up early next week. For those going today if you want to support the Hamtramck schools (as they say) buy a wristband. For those who want to support/see new music every venue I went to last night (6 in total) were not checking wristbands. Go out and have fun. Be safe. You may not know the next time you can. 

Update 4- As of yesterday they were still being told they were going to play. Oh well, DJ's gotta eat too. Oh wait, none of the bands are being paid? Oh....well everyone have fun!

Update 3- Smalls cancelled Saturday entirely. They will still be open so pop in and have a brewski for youski. Be considerate of your fellow patrons however. Save the virus swapping for Lager House.

Update 2- We are on our 4th lineup at Smalls in a day and a half. They're just trolling everyone right? Has to be. Right? Please say right. Nobody can be that incompetent. 

Update 1- More Tomorrows contacted me and said they are still playing the Fest. So we now have three separate lineups for Smalls on Sunday. Keep in mind this is only one venue. Dear lord help us all....

From the HMF website:

From Facebook Events:

From the HMF directly on FB: 

From the National Affairs Desk-

Whew, what a wild past few days. When I first started previewing this fest last week I had every intention to see it through and complete a blurb for every act letters A-Z. Now that we are on Part 5 and after not previewing a single act in Parts 3 & 4, I can safely conclude that doing so would be completely pointless. Why preview anything if nobody knows who is actually playing, the bands included? I can also safely conclude that this is the second biggest debacle in the Hamtramck Music Fest's history. I honestly don't see how it returns. It is just not worth it. Of course everyone will blame Covid, everyone's favorite excuse, but these balloonheads have a history of running this thing about as bad as anyone can, Hello Ben's Encore!

Let's be honest. This has not been a good week for the HMF, and no amount of last minute coverage from sites nobody has heard of or the sinking/sunk Metro Times can salvage this. And that's too bad because I wanted people to go to this and have fun. Go back and read Part 2. I pleaded with everyone to go out, see these bands, support the bars, etc, and I think I jinxed them because after I hit publish the carnage starting oozing in. 

It all started 7 years ago....just kidding. It all started this Tuesday when one of the top venues of the Fest, Smalls, announced that everyone attending must be fully vaccinated or have proof of a negative test, masks as well. Of special note is that this includes the performers as well. More on that in a minute. Back in Part 1 I raised the question that some venues would adopt such policies and lo and behold it happened. In my post yesterday, Part 3, I broke the news that this was not a mutual decision with HMF. It was a decision of Smalls which last I checked they are fully entitled to, and HMF in fact Knew that some venues were considering adopting these policies in advance but did not relay this to the people buying wristbands. Why should they? They already have their money and can (and will) blame Covid and the venues for any inconveniences. Hey there Hold Harmless Policy! They buried it to avoid controversy and affect the turnout. Ooops. Too late, and let's be frank, the turnout was never going to be that impressive anyway. Near the end of the last post I delved into "not a prediction but a spoiler" territory and said that more changes were coming....

Jump cut to the present and the unorganized chaos is trending up. Sanctuary, another venue participating announced a "mask recommendation" which these days is enough to invigorate or turn off just about everyone. Then, Wednesday evening, HMF announced that the landscape of Smalls for the Fest had changed. Here is their official statement:

I did a double take when I read that there was a "slight modification". Are they fucking serious?? Six out of eight bands that were announced over two nights at Smalls dropped out or were replaced, 2 bands on Friday and 4 on Saturday. Every Band On Saturday. That is 75% of the entire Smalls slate. Slight? Every band on Saturday replaced by the dreaded DJ's. The funny thing is that the DJ's may bring in more people than the Twerps of Spaceskull or whatever those dweebs call themselves. I'm only half kidding there as bringing in DJ's may circumvent the whole wristband thing which has become an albatross for many a venue over the years. More on that in a bit. As for the bands that are no longer playing I would love to get to the bottom of the how and why they are no longer playing. Keep in mind that my band, the Jesus Chainsaw Massacre, was once cancelled and replaced at the HMF by these glandular cases who ended up getting replaced themselves.

 If only there was a local journalist to do that ho ho ho. Oh wait I did!  According to one of the acts who are no longer playing speaking on anonymity they were all ready to play, meeting all of the restrictions, hoping to take part in the largest local music fest in the country hoping to reach a wide audience (ok the last part was me taken from the HMF verbiage but you get the idea), and it was the HMF that pulled the plug on their entire set with no explanation. Go back and read that last part. There is your scoop. If anyone from the HMF would like to give their side of the story feel free to contact me and I will update the post accordingly and most importantly, fairly. But you have me blocked. I can quit right now and my work will be done. Nah, let's continue... You may be thinking: "How does he know who stayed and who was replaced if HMF and Smalls posted the new weekend schedule? Is Metro that obsessed he saved the entire HMF lineup?" Allow me to answer. No. The idiots still have the original lineups posted on their website as of this writing. Pathetic.

So for everyone's scorecard every band playing at Smalls on Friday and Saturday dropped out or was replaced except for Ryan Allen's Extra Bands and The Strains. I have to stress again that the Smalls policy is for both the patrons And performers. Is it possible that some of the acts weren't vaccinated? Possibly but the acts I spoke with said they met all the requirements and were ready to play. What happened? This opens up a whole can of worms if an act may or may not be able to perform at a venue based on this. Of course "free enterprise blah blah I thought you were for capitalism" and all that. I get it. But what if an act is friends with a venue and doesn't have to prove it? What if an act draws really big and the requirements happen to be ignored for them? Do you see the slippery slope, or at the very least am I planting the seeds in your spinning little heads ho ho ho? But that's for a future post. Back to the HMF 2021 debacle. Two acts remain, both on Friday. Moving on.

This should bring us up to date but plans can still change of course. Most of you will see this Thursday, the Kickoff day. As of now the PLAV (HMF Headquarters derp derp) is still the only venue advertised which is par for the kickoff nights. Which means everyone in one place, at one time. Will vaccinations be required there? Negative tests? Masks? As of this writing those in charge in the state have yet to mandate anything, but we know its coming. Just not in time for the Fest. By the way, how come the HMF Facebook or website have exactly ZERO mention of the pandemic or even a safety checklist? Jesus. It has been established by the CDC that the Delta variant can be transmitted to and from the fully vaccinated. Ask the Texas senators, New York Yankees, and a few of my friends. So does this make Smalls' requirements irrelevant? Okay, now I'm just starting shit and putting nightmares in your little heads. Hey, cut me some slack. I had to preview 50 bands before I gave up so nightmares are due karma.

So I leave you with this question... Are wristbands really the answer? Years ago, before I was banned from 30% of the venues hosting this thing, 100% banned from covering it other than this site, and 15% threatened with physical harm, I broke the news that Ben's Encore was not a valid non profit.....wait, wrong notes. Years ago I broke the news that some venues were not checking wristbands at the Metro Times Blowout, granted a different festival but the same idea, business model, and ineptitude of those running (and sponsoring) it. While speaking to some venues, they said they stopped checking wristbands after Day 1 because they were Losing money because people just wanted to drink and could care less about the bands. The bars nearby not hosting the festival actually saw their weekend profits go Up by not participating. Do you see where I'm going here? That was 2014/2015 and even the most apologetic excuse-makers would agree that the local music scene and bands were much stronger then than they are today. Let's flash to today and good lord this could be a bloodbath. Does the HMF even have enough volunteers to check wristbands or do venues prefer that they don't? Keep in mind we are coming out/going in a pandemic and many of these participating bars/venues lost a Lot of money the past year and could use a weekend of solid black ink especially with another possible lockdown looming. Is even one weekend sacrificed for the "Hamtramck schools" cough cough worth turning away a party of 6 who just want to drink and spend $70+ at your place but don't want to pay $15 Each extra because fucking Dear Darkness is playing? Do you see where I'm going here?

During the last lockdown many local venues secretly stayed open as a sort of modern speakeasy to help with taxes and supporting the staff. That's not a bombshell. Its the worst kept secret, and one I fully support. Some venues participating in this very Fest may have even done so in fact. I have no problem with ANY of that. I want to see local businesses successful though I may have a weird way of showing it. I am not taking sides in the political debate of all this. That was never my point. I've had friends who said, "Wow, you really sided with Smalls after they banned you and their (former) employee threatened to kill you?" No, I didn't side with anyone. I listened to what they had to say. Other friends said, "Wow, are you an anti-vaxxer? What if it was your blah blah blah" No, I'm fully vaccinated and have my Vaxx ID card currently being enlarged for a future project. Eh, don't ask. As it always has been, I am here for the chaos. And I am not disappointed. Ah, I'm starting to ramble.

So this concludes Part 5 of the 2021 HMF Preview. I don't think I was kidding in the title when I said this was the Final Preview. I think this is it. I think we're stuck with the virus for a while, at least another three years, and I don't see the HMF surviving that long. In previous posts I have repeatedly said that "my work here is done". So much so that I have had people ask "Are you okay?" or "Should I be worried?" Everything really is a bonus and this year's HMF is one big bonus. Yes, I am leaving you with more questions than answers but I always have. The JCM/Lavender Blog and the HMF have been dancing this slow dance of death since 2014 and this may be it. I never recovered from having my heart broken by them and being kicked off because of a few whiny lintheads who got what they wanted and split town without even a "Thank you" just as I predicted they would. Then again, the HMF never recovered either. Out of stubbornness I owe it to myself to stick around until the mental defectives running this thing have moved on to lesser ventures which they still aren't qualified for, and wait for a local music fest to be run by people who actually care about music, the bands, the volunteers, venues, and history. I want to be around for that day. You should as well Constant Readers. If only there was a local journalist to cover it (and get paid). Selah, maybe someday soon. Plus I'm banned from 30% of the venues, have outstanding death threats, and am not spending $15 on this. I would say "Adieu" but that would imply that we would meet again, so instead I'll just say goodbye. To the Hamtramck Music Festival (2014-2021) who never let me down.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro 

Hamtramck Music Fest In Flux? Unanswered Questions, The Worm Turns In Swamptown. Preview Part 4

 From the National Affairs Desk- 

With apologies to Letters N-R it looks like my band by band, letter by letter preview for the Hamtramck Music Festival is on hiatus for the second part in a row. Plans change, and I anticipate a lot of plans changing in the upcoming days. Fuck it, not a prediction but a spoiler there will be plans changing in the next few days. The plans they are a changin'. Tuesday evening I was cooking 4 steaks, all for myself of course after a long day of writing and looking up explicit photographs of wrestling babes when I started to receive a few messages across the Mojo Wire. Ye gods, it looked like Smalls is implementing a new policy starting August 6th where all patrons AND PERFORMERS must show proof of vaccination or a negative Covid test result, this in addition to masking up. Here is the post directly from their Facebook:

Hot damn if that photo looks straight out of a post from Jesse Shepherd Bates' Woodward Avenue Brewery. Well except for the fact that there's a black guy is in it. Other than that totally the WAB. For myself, the decision and post from Smalls was a bombshell, a bombshell I pondered in one of my previous previews. Something along the lines of "What if a venue opts for vaccine requirements? Will others follow suit? How will this be communicated by the Hamtramck Music Festival?"  These are all very juicy questions so I hopped over to the HMF Facebook to see what their statement was and if other venues followed suit. Here is the last post from them:

That's strange. Not a single mention of the new requirement at probably the single biggest (in terms of name value) venue participating in the Fest. Also "when you are not at HMF" be sure to do this and then post an event that is taking place a day before the HMF. Very odd. Surely their website would have the updated venue information for all the people WHO HAVE ALREADY PURCHASED WRISTBANDS TO THE LARGEST LOCAL MUSIC FESTIVAL IN THE COUNTRY.... Nothing. Although they finally updated the website with the schedule. So there's that at least. Oh, and there's this...

Seriously, 6:30am??!! HMF after hours? Is that 6:30am Sunday morning or Monday morning? Or is it they can't even get the correct times right for the bands playing and the venues participating on their own fucking website. I guess we can throw the whole "safety of the hundreds of people attending" out the window with these wizards running things. But that is just petty nitpicking. Back to Smalls' announcement. Let me get this out of the way right now. Regardless of how you feel about policies like these and whether they stomp on rights or protect the patrons I will say this: personally I tend to side with the whole less is better when it comes to restrictions, but not in a psychotic way. There are psychos on both sides. Look at the early responses:

So whether you agree or disagree with what Smalls decided I think we all should appreciate that they took a stand and put their beliefs before profits because in situations like these it usually costs a venue money when they propose polarizing policies like these. So, even though I am still banned and not welcome there I will not let personal bias affect this post. This town needs the best local scene journalist around, and its been a while, but its safe to say I'm back. Why? Well for the next part let me increase the font size for the waterheads.

One of the first things that came to mind was whether this was a mutual coordination between Smalls and the HMF. Was the HMF asking that venues adopt this policy for the safety of those attending or was it an independent decision? If that was the case why did the HMF refuse to post or comment on the decision from their largest (name value) venue on the Fest choosing to do this? Now, will other venues follow suit? Will some venues take the opposite approach and promote no vaccination proof required? Do some venues even know they are hosting the Fest this weekend? These are a lot of questions. By the time I typed all what you have read right now I have received multiple messages, some from complete strangers I have never heard of, saying they will no longer be going to the Fest. I have yet to ask if it was because of this policy or if they feared for their safety due to the seemingly complete clusterfuck of organization displayed. There are even rumblings of bands cancelling/pulling out. Hey, if they need a replacement call me. As for the other questions up there,  I can confirm and go on the record and say that the Hamtramck Music Festival committee in fact KNEW that multiple venues attached to the festival were considering adopting similar policies yet made no effort to communicate to the public of this possibility. I cannot go on the record regarding the specific Smalls situation because I am banned from Smalls. Feel free to contact the Festival itself at hamtramckmusicfest@gmail.com to ask if they knew of the Smalls decision in advance and purposely buried it for fear of affecting the festival's turnout. I believe they have my e-mail blocked so if any committee members wish to contact me you have my e-mail and I will gladly update this post with an official, unedited, statement. But I am confident in the accuracy of what I have posted, especially whether they knew in advance. These last few sentences are the meat of this post; the big scoop. They knew.

Now some of you may be saying "Who cares?" and that is fine. I just thought that some people would like consistent updates on what venues would be more suitable for their preferences. Some of you may be saying "This guy again, blowing things out of proportion," and that is fine as well. I may be. Based on previous posts you can infer that I find the pandemic highly overrated and just something to talk about and use while we wait for the 2022 midterms. That being said, week by week, more and more people I know and consider friends have caught it and it wasn't fun. Two of my uncles friends of friends have passed away this year alone. I do take precautions. but I also make jokes. Its getting late and I'm rambling. Anyway, in a local scene that has been devoid of anything interesting, noteworthy, and water cooler material for a year this is pretty substantial. Will this make you want to go to the fest more. Or less? Will you want to know what venues have the same policy? It kind of is in their best interests to communicate this. So any venues out there. Update your pages. Let your patrons know. Paint a Scarlet C on your door or leave it blank. Either way, lets have a fun safe weekend. I really want to cover it, but I honestly fear for my safety. From what? Well, are we on the record or off?

From the Iceman Commeth,

Bryan Metro

Captain Stan, Hottest Wrestling Gals, and HMF Preview Part 3 J-M

*Update- Since the Hamtramck Music Festival isn't telling you, starting August 6th, Smalls one of the venues participating in HMF will be requiring full vaccination or proof of negative test. Plan your trekking accordingly. We here at the JCM are very disappointed after spending the last week actually trying to get people to go out and support local music only for the festival committee to prove once again that they do not care about the "music" only the bottom line. The fact that their Facebook has yet to be updated with which venues require vaccination, masks, etc is very glaring how much care really went into this event. I went to their website and there was zero info either. However there was this gem of a schedule listing. Not even fucking trying....

 The following is satirical as always and for entertainment purposes Only

From the National Affairs Desk-

     So it continues and, for the life of me, I cannot explain why. After two parts of what was once a reliable topic, The Local Music Festival Preview, the interest and readership is one giant flatline. This is very concerning because up until these previews the hits were consistent. The JCM Fake Festival posts met the average numbers of Lavender 2020/2021. But once I switched to previewing the Hamtramck Music Festival and I don't know how many bands thus far, it totally cratered and fell off. I even tried to be mean to some probably nice people. Of course there is an obvious joke and blame to be made about the Fest, its organizers, the city, among other things and not holding the attention of even the most jaded of scenester, but I will not make that joke. Instead I will reiterate what I said last post: Go to this. Have fun because seeing even a below average local band is (slightly) better than the alternative of nothing at all, or worse, the option being taken away entirely.

With that said, I would like to take this time to apologize to any act booked for HMF starting with the letters J-M. I'm not doing it this part. Sorry. No previews for J-M. Punishment for the continued blacklisting of the Jesus Chainsaw Massacre (and me getting tired of looking all these goofs up). Instead, here is a half assed post about JCM's return to a full capacity live event in Detroit, the WWE Supershow at Little Caesars Arena this past Sunday followed by the return of everyone's favorite: THE LISTS! 

I met up with founding members -jr and Wang Yellowbone at the fabled Bronx Bar downtown. It was a complete refresh of the mental health to be with old, and in Wang's case very old, friends at an old haunt and it was no time at all before we hijacked the jukebox and ordered the classic, though slightly overrated, burgers. Well, all except for Captain Stan.

   "Dammit, I think I ordered the fake burger," Captain Stan said.

   "What?" replies -jr, who had been telling a story of rebound fingerbanging years ago in the corner of the Bronx for the second time in five minutes.

   "I got the fake burger. Its good, but bullshit."

I first met Captain Stan this past April when -jr and I rented a house in Mentor, Ohio, an upscale suburb of Cleveland, a town where everyone knew where you worked, how much you made, and the high school football games were packed at noon despite bullshit restrictions. In other words, we were with friendlies. I had picked up -jr that morning as he was closing the books for the week at Big Mike's Big Tit Juke Joint Meat Shack. He took a few minutes to introduce me to the staff.

   "This is Big Dave, top seller in March. Took over for Big Steve who I fired because of a shitty March despite being the top seller in February. Big Carl over there works front of house. Big Mary, not to be confused with Fat Mary from back home, is a plant, a ringer, to keep morale up and work the phones. Big Reggie is there in maintenance...." and on. The only thing that stood out was that everyone was called "Big". I never did meet Big Mike that weekend, just -jr who seemed to be running the show in his absence. We sped off in a company car and dropped our stuff off at the rental house which was more like a mansion; two floors, an acre of backyard forest, jacuzzi in my master bedroom, the usual.

 -jr had already been there and set up the recording studio where we would record exactly one song, the yet to be released "Hash Tags". Then it was off to breakfast, my first time unmasked in a public setting since the year before. Next up was the Mentor Gun Club where we illegally parked and asked for the newest, high powered handguns and ripped through a few targets. I named mine Matty Dally.

We still had some time to kill before Wrestlemania on the giant screen at the rental so we made the decision to go bugchasing at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. -jr had been heavy into the whiskey by then and we stopped at a park to catch an organized football game. Naturally it was packed. We set up three tripods with telephoto lenses a hundred meters away from the stands. It was Saturday in swine free paradise.

   "What are we doing?" I asked, wanting to help any way I could.

   "Looking for Big Danny," -jr replied without looking away from his camera, "I think he's been ripping me off. Big Andy was supposed to be watching for him here, but he's at the juke joint covering for me."

   "Oh," is all I could muster.

   "Look there," he said pointing to the left of the stands, "That's the police station. Its next to the courthouse and fire department. They're all connected. We're going to need them before this is over. Okay, let's go to the Hall of Fame."

I helped him pack up while wondering why there were three tripods set up and only two of us. We then sped off to Cleveland making the 30 minute drive in 19, all while playing hogs of the road. The museum was packed and everyone was wearing masks but very close together. Since this was early April I was still on my first vaccine shot and mildly concerned. Thankfully the non-alcoholic beer combined with the massive amounts of sedatives I brought along helped to dull the fear.

As soon as we entered the exhibit area we were drawn to a crowd of people huddled in the center of a room. The mood was somber. We pushed our way to the front using the NFL press pass I had bought from a pimp outside the Cleveland Browns' stadium minutes before.

They were surrounding a glass case which contained a pair of custom George Floyd sneakers. This was the first thing that we saw at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

   "God dammit. This is bad. What are we doing here?" -jr whispered. I was losing him.

   "Its just some shoes. We haven't even gotten to the first interactive pod and you're already losing it."

   "Losing it? This is not good. Let's get out of here. Second floor man. Second floor."

   "Good call. I'm not bailing you out of this one."

-jr starts pushing his way through the crowd, even knocking over a stroller, while wailing, "Second floor. There is nothing to see here."

My attempt at damage control was not effective.

   "He's right you know. The man was a habitual drug user and woman beater. We're here for the true professionals. The Lennon exhibit is on the second floor." A hippie starting crying.

Once we got to the second floor -jr focused his entire attention looking out the window, staring at Lake Erie, while I made my way to the punk and glam rooms.

I went over to check on him after 15 minutes of wandering around. I saw that he had been crying.

   "Look there. See it?"

   "Yes, the lake. Let's get back. You've turned dark."

   "Look. Do you see it?"

   "Jesus man, what am I looking for? You tell me!"

   "There, that boat. You see it?" he said pointing at a small boat about 500 feet from the shore, "That boat is mine. The guy on it is Stan."

   "Big Stan?" I ask.

   "No, Captain Stan. He works for me. He runs the boat. I want to fish."

   "We can't fish there. There are no fish there. Too close to the city. Plus, I think its illegal."

   "No, the cops know me. We come out all the time. Captain Stan has all the gear loaded. Let's get out of this place and go fishing. Those shoes really got to me."

We left and went to the water where Captain Stan was waiting with the boat.

   "We gotta get out quick boys. They have a new cop working the waterfront. Don't recognize him. Probably with Big Danny," Captain Stan warned.

   "I knew it. Got to the cops. He works quick. Should have fired that miscreant last month."

The time spent on Lake Erie was an exercise in futility. As expected, we caught no fish and Captain Stan had finished a quart of whiskey before we even had the lines cast. The mood was foul.

   "Bad day guys. Too hot. Our last resort is going to be throwing the rest of the bait and all of our food into the water and when the fish start to circle it then we blast them with the siren," Captain Stan advised.

   "The pay per view is starting soon anyway. We should get back," I pleaded.

   "Fuck. They found us. Look! The patrol boat. The cops. They're with Big Danny. They already have Big Andy," Captain Steve was panicking. He then grabbed a large tote bag.

   "There's no option. We have to sink the boat. You two go. Swim to shore. I'll do the boat. Maybe I can take a few of the fuckers with me."

The last thing I remember running back to the car was Captain Stan shouting as the police sirens started to blare followed by a feeble explosion. The pay per view was fun and I won the gentleman's betting pool.

Flash to the present as Captain Stan was thumbing through a gaunt issue of the Metro Times. 

   "You write for these guys? Metro. Metro Times," he asks.

   "No, they hate me. I priced myself out of their league."

   "Those bastards. Cheap bastards. Who wants to write for free anyway?" he ponders as I looked down at my plate of french fries.

   "Let's go," -jr interrupts, "the car I borrowed is illegally parked and we don't want to be late."

At the arena it was a blast seeing a crowd of thousands all having fun without any pretenses (or vaccination passports). The crew spent more time photographing various oddities in the crowd instead of watching the matches which was fine. We only managed to get into one argument. A small victory.

To close the wrestling portion of this Hamtramck Music Festival Preview here is a return of everyone's favorite: The Bryan Metro Lists. Two of them! The first is a tumblr-esque ditty that I cropped together from the photog work of -jr, Wang, and Captain Stan from the show.

The Top 8 Weirdo's From the Aug. 1st WWE Show

Is that last one Spaulding??

Next up is one that I came up with myself. Metro's Top 10 Wrestling Hardbodies (Current). I went with current as opposed to All Time because I still have lazy fatigue from previewing all those local bands. I'm curious if any current wrestling fans stumble on this and what their reaction would be. My experience is the majority of them today are predictably woke, white knight mongoloids who are experts in health and science, vaccines, and politics. Not to mention world affairs. I remember some of these lintheads changing all their screennames to "Free Palestine", "Taiwan is a country", or "Taiwan is not a country" based on seeing what a wrestler said on twitter. There is one constant in life and that is wrestling fans are the worst (myself excluded), are very unoriginal, and are extremely terrible tippers. The purpose of this list is to basically trigger a whole new demographic so I can transition from covering local music which is as dead as its ever been. Its all calculated. As always, this is your opinion as of this posting. It could change tomorrow, and probably will.

Metro's Top 10 Current Wrestling Doffs

Honorable Mentions-

Carmella- A tad much on the cosmetic fakery to make the main list but the quality fakery + the Staten Island attitude is Honorable. Loses points for dating Big Cass. SAWFT

Liv Morgan- Too cute for school, seems like a genuinely good person, spunky, always working to get better, and owns a farm. So, why the honorable mention instead of main list? One word....Enzo. How you doin'?

Penelope Ford- The first from AEW on the list. I don't watch much, but from what I see its like the greatest thing ever. She looks like she could work at JCM HQ, the Yacht Club, so she is honorable for probably being dishonorable.

Sonya DeVille- Does not wrestle much these days and plays more of an authority role. Plays for the other team in real life and I don't mean AEW, but that did not stop some glandular case from breaking into her house and attempting to rape, kidnap, or "other" her. Despite out often hedonistic, misogynistic posts we at the JCM despise rapists and this butterball should be castrated and his nuts fed to Keith Lee. Back to Sonya. Sneaky sexiest nose in the business.

Tay Conti- Another AEW girl. I don't know much, but she is a doff and I wanted to have more than one AEW girl on the list or else their psychotic fanbase would piss all over their parents' keyboards.

The Top 10!

10. Paige- Oh boy...Well....Fuck it.... She doesn't wrestle much these days, but cracks the Top 10 for being a total freak, former coke head, up for anything, and even had a movie made about her that had a cameo from The Rock. Get this girl a tambourine! (That could have been a LOT worse).

9. Rosemary- The lone entry from Impact Wrestling. She's been around for a while, is pretty creative, and is zany. Warning flags arose when it took me longer than average to find a photo to use here, but f it, she's the kind of girl you would take to Comic Con and avoid all the wrestling fans.

8. Sasha Banks- Only recently became a fan. She's not really my type. Strong opinionated woman who has parlayed her success into a spin off career in the Star Wars universe that was also very successful. Total turn off. However, she is confirmed to be a complete jerk and total witch to fans. Yep. Top 10.

7. Rhea Ripley- From Wang at the show last weekend, "Who is this, Miley Cyrus trying too hard on steroids?" Enough for #7, that's who. My only concern is her cardio. She does seem to get fatigued quick ho ho ho. Wait, maybe she should be higher...

6. Mandy Rose- Complete "Hot Woman" stereotype. Blonde, hardbody (its even her gimmick), not a big talker, can play both good/innocent and evil. How is she not #1? Maybe tomorrow...

5. Asuka- Also zany, wearer of masks, bad dancer, a spitter, deceptively curvy, and Asian. #5

4. Eva Marie- I included her this high because despite have zero wrestling talent and below average speaking skills, she is also a total hardbody more equipped for the Red Shoe Diaries than these fanboy youtube shows. Also that comparison took me wayyyy too long to come up with. Sexuality in pop culture is at an all time low. It is time to get back to traditional values and the beauty ideal. I love to see the mentally defective squids lose their shit and complain that she is getting paid so much more than this Indy flip twerp who has a worse physique than I do.

3. Becky Lynch- WWE's Conor. Loses points for getting knocked up and sometimes trying to hard to be "tough", but let's face it, totally Top 3. If that's all I could come with for Becky we must be reaching list/blog fatigue. Let's wrap this up.

2. Bayley- Couldn't stand her at first, but she has grown...on me. Her current persona as a snarky, obnoxious talk show host is right up my alley. I have contacted her trying to get her to write a guest column for the Lavender Blog but she just referred me to Sonya DeVille's lawyers. Probably a mistake. 'll try to confirm in person. Kidding. Also, made you look!

1, Alexa Bliss- Short, blonde, spunky, former Harley Quinn rip off, current Hot Carrie White rip off. A lot of wrestling purists hate her supernatural powers, then turn around and fap to some skinny fat guy jumping onto a group of 10 dudes all waiting to catch him. Alexa can use her powers to make my heart skip any day. (The original joke was much more foul).

Okay, that's it. As with all my lists I ran out of steam and good/offensive ideas by the midway point. This post meant to preview letters J-M of the 2021 Hamtramck Music Festival turned into one giant tangent. However, this is the most fun I've had writing a post since the JCM Fest earlier this year. Only two more HMF parts to go returning with Part 4 Letters N-R. Can I finish them before the Fest wraps up? Probably not. Who cares anyway? Nobody is talking about this which is really sad. Hey smart asses, see what happens when you block me? All of the press surrounding the festival is eliminated. Ding Dong Hello! Because I am nice, here are the acts Letters J-M that I didn't preview this go around. You look them up.

Jackson & the Poolsharks

Jah Connery

Jakdd

JC & the Disciples

Jemmi Hazeman & the Honey Riders

Jeremy Waun

John Freeman

John Salvage *&The New Twenty Saints

Justin Phipps

Kate Hinote Trio

Kenyatta Rashon

Killa King

Knuckle Dragger (Haha and they kicked us off)

Ladyship Warship

Lich

Lokye

LRAD

Lufuki and Divine Providence

Macho

Mann/Quin

Matthew Teardrop (ugh)

Memphis Hawk

Mercury Salad

Mike Ward Psychosongs

Milk Bath

Missy Mae & The Ryders

More Tomorrows

The My Ways

Good lord, previewing that would have caused a brain bubble. See you next Wednesday!

From the Iceman Commeth

Dr. Bryan Metro