From the National Affairs Desk-
Well sweet Jesus here we are sitting on the cusp of another month, the official beginning of summer in my eyes, and just a few (long) weeks away from the start of Football Season. I'm going to make this update quick. No notebooks, no longhand drafts, no first edit (despite all jokes, those do exist here), just me shooting from the hip with some bullet points, and thankfully putting an end to what used to be a pretty fun month that of course has been ruined by those that have everyone's best interest in mind, including YOURS, but only if that best interest is something even they don't believe in. Let's roll.....
-What Happened To June? Fear, Hate, Misinformation in What Used To Be Age Of Love.
Seriously....what the hell happened to June? It used to be a month of hope. Kids getting ready to stomp what was left of the first half of the year (and winter depending on where you live, or god forbid CANADA), the Sports Desk in full swing with the playoffs and championships for Hockey and Basketball along with Baseball in full form, the US Open among other major golf events, Wimbledon, cuppa horse races, and the time not spent gambling on these events being spent with a bunch of know-it-alls in some Madison Heights bowling alley meeting not to actually draft, but DISCUSS drafting, their fantasy football teams for the season. Yes, that's right, its almost Football Season. And if sports isn't your thing, let's say you prefer history and/or social improvement, this past June saw Juneteenth become a real deal national holiday....finally I might add. Also pride month was in full swing, and I have to tell you that I haven't seen as much focus and energy into that, well, since last year, but that doesn't change the fact that it seemed to be EVERYWHERE. Allow me to be serious. Take a few seconds to prep yourself. Okay, now take a few seconds more. I can wait. There's still one and a half days left in this month as I type this. I'll even start a new paragraph because yabba dabba doo this next thing will absolutely blow your mind.
Okay. As alluded to above, this past month saw an increased focus (some would even say Sensory Overload) with Juneteenth, Pride Month, and a Justified Push for Civil Rights Reform. I can proudly say that I am living in a time in history, THE time, where we as a society are at its peak in terms of multicultural and sexual and any other ual's social acceptance. WAIT! I know what you're thinking, "Here he is being cynical again..." But its true. Think about it. Would Juneteenth have been made a national holiday in 1969? I think not. Would we be at a stage where we are having completely civil and polite dialogues with each other on social media regarding things like public restrooms. equal representation in entertainment, hell even trans athletes being able to compete in sports way back in the 1980's? Would shows like Pose, Chad, and Catwoman be greenlit in 1992? No fucking way. The best you got back then was Red Hot Chili Peppers covering Stevie Wonder in a MTV ad while Kurt Loder and Tabitha Soren took a smoke break (those were still legal then) and cursed ye gods that they were born two decades too early. To summarize: This is an awesome time to be alive!
So, can someone tell me why then are we SO FUCKING MISERBLE? I don't have an answer to that, but after all the positive things I just listed up there I still turn on the tv and see horrible things like yet another violent protest, another kid shot (usually with a sibling "just playing"), another stranger shot (usually at a party or Times Square), the entirety of social media, not just a cross section but ALL OF IT complaining, fighting, crying, whining, begging. Can somebody please tell me what the endgame is? What does everybody want? What can I do, as an individual, to make a single person happy? To give a single person ZERO excuse to say "I am so unhappy right now". There is no explanation. Some would probably say "Well, its because you're This and That, and never had to deal with This" (fill in the blanks I've heard it all before). Yes that's true. Sorry I can't help that. But hey, I had to deal with This and That (fill in the blanks as well). Here's the deal, everybody but a select few get fucked over in life, everybody in their own way. Some more than others for sure, but I covered the Oppression Olympics in the last post with the horse racing thing. I really, honestly, believe that people are fully committed to being miserable and they have no interest in being happy. I'm not saying everyone, but if you see some rib sucking waterhead whining on social media and taking 45 minutes to figure out what profile pic filter to use that week that is a sure-fire sign that they are one of those that cultivates misery, wallows in it, and would have zero fucking idea what to do if they allow a single moment of happiness in their life. It would be like a junkie up and quitting smack. If one of these fuckers realized, just for a moment, that "Oh hey, today was one of the good days" a brain bubble the size of Lisa Joan's ego would burst in their miserable little head. I usually deal in hyperbole here, but I honestly semi-believe that. Lets trademark it the "LJ Brain Bubble Theory". This rant has gone far too long and there are a few other things I'd like to touch on. Happy things. Things to look forward to things. I'm warning you now. If you feel you do not have the ability to process something positive right now then take this time to head over to JSB or Deastro's page and take a bath in the tepid, dank, waters of virtue signaling and come back when you think you are ready for a concept as foreign as happiness.
Goodbye June, You Dour Fucker. What's Next, The Boys/Girls/Etc's of Summer, and The Return of the Fest.
By the time you read this it will be around June 30th. This is a very important day. A day of excitement. A day of Anticipation. And a day of Reflection. "Well, it is the last day of June" you may be thinking. That would be correct. "Well, what can I virtue signal in July then? Shit, this will take work" others may be thinking. This also, and unfortunately, is correct. On a base level lets just say that the end of June/beginning of July is a chance for a new beginning. Lets call it the official start of summer. I know some of you oatmealheads are already on their 2nd draft of "Why The 4th Of July Is Bad" to be posted on their Facebook at 11:59pm July 3rd so their echo chamber of like-minded fruit fly friends can give themselves virtual high fives and get back to pissing and moaning due to fear of being content aka my whole "LJ Brain Bubble Theory". That's fine if that's what makes you happ...I mean miserable. For me, June 30th has a very special meaning.
Let me give you a roll call of the fallen:
4th of July, Anniversary of Pops Passing, MLB/NBA/NHL All Star Games, Dream Cruise (hahahaha), Labor Day, Presidential Debates, Birthday, Everyone's Birthday, Devil's Night, Halloween, Election Day, Thanksgiving Eve, Thanksgiving, First Snowfall, Holiday Shopping, X-Mas Eve, X-Mas, New Years Eve, New Years Day, Bowl Season, National Championship, MLK Day, Jan 6th Madness, Inauguration Day, April Fools Day, Valentines Day, March Madness, Super Bowl, Sports Gambling Legal in Michigan, Creation of the Sports Desk, Opening Day, Wrestlemania, 1st Tigers Game of the Season, 1st Tigers Home Game of the Season, Casinos, Memorial Day, NBA/NHL Playoffs, Academy Awards (j/k), 1st Day of Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer, Juneteenth, St. Patty's Day, Pride Month, and others I'm probably forgetting. Only things missing-Restaurants, even after everything reopened. Millers. Nope. Buddys. Nah. HQ. Sigh. None. All by design, everything calculated, and this time there was no error.
Yeah, so its basically every notable event/holiday within a calendar year. Well, the significance for me is that for each one of these events listed above I did it without a single alcoholic drink. My last drink of 2020 was around June 30th so starting with the 4th of July until now, zippo. I was actually going to write a novella about the process and even started taking notes. However, I quickly realized that it was going to end up the most boring, mundane fucking novella in the history of man. Even more boring than this post. It would be so special to tie it all together with some sanctimonious drivel about how after a year I was a better, more complete person ready to contribute even more to society, but that would be a lie, so I scrapped the entire project. I see a lot of people in similar situations say that life is so much better and clearer sober, much more enjoyable. Well, cool I guess? Good for them, and I say that with utmost sincerity. Are you telling that to everyone or are you telling that to yourself? Okay, that was mean, but you get the point. Anyway I did this bullshit because of my own free will, completely by choice, mostly because I wanted to see how easy it would be. And it was! Totally easy. The first week or so was a stretch as expected, but by July 4th I was ready to roll with a bag full of explosives and mortars, excited to start the writing project. Then.....I lost interest. The bag is still laying around, unused. It was a foreshadowing of what was to come. The writing crashed to a halt aside from a few inspired election season posts. The notebooks could be with the fireworks for all I know. It wasn't like I was making an effort to seek them out.
Now this Verrrrrrry Cynical attitude is most definitely skewed by the pandemic which eerily coincided with this fun journey so any conclusion is not completely accurate. The options were limited. Friends disappeared. But all that would not have changed my decision. I acknowledge that. On the plus side my bloodwork shows everything is healthier than it has been since 2003. That has to mean something right? It does. My clear head got me motivated to do better for those I care for, work harder in an age when working less is actually encouraged. And I absolutely have to note that all of those events were not negative or bad at all. They were....nice. However, my clear head amplified my absolute annoyance with what the world has become, one big infighting bummer. Did it translate to better writing, more output? No, when it should have. So we have this paradox. On one hand the physical benefits are kind of nice, especially not having to deal with panic attacks every other day. Actually I should say, it has to be nice for people who care about me not having to deal with my panic attacks every day. On the flip side of the mental POV (full disclosure, there are no demerits on the physical side), as my man Jack Torrance said, what about all that irreparable harm that its caused ho ho ho? I can't answer that.
This is already turning into a novella. To wrap this segment up, anyone who knows me knows I love to push the cringe/shock/frustration envelope just like many of my influences (Hi Andy!). For a while my plan was to build up this big countdown to One Year!!!! even having a ticker. Then some random unremarkable day in the twenties of June I would have a few Oberon's as those who were following the ticker would yell "Nooooooooo" in unison. I actually almost did it but substituting water for the beer, but like everything else this past year I lost interest. The thing is, I had an infinite amount of opportunities to break the streak, but never did. Why? For my health? For my sanity? Because of some meaningless date/number (CDC I'm looking at you)? Nope. As with everything, it was because I could do it, wanted to do it, and as I hit the publish button, I did it. And it was easy. And that was how the novella was to end. Boring right? Moving along....
Oh wait, before I get back into character (because that's what this is) I have to say that the above tangent in no way is meant to marginalize anyone who has a drug/alcohol/etc issue. Everybody processes these things differently, and the last thing I want is somebody dealing with that seeing how flippant I am about this and questioning their own mettle. Keep in mind that I am a disliked POS whose life is a textbook of missed/failed potential. I'm just a mild sociopath with an above average friend/support system. I am not a good person. If anyone reading is or knows anybody who is having challenges find that support system, and if that is rough, here:
Michigan Addiction Helpline- 800-241-4949
24/7- 866-520-2708
MI Health & Human Services- 800-648-6942
National Substance Abuse Helpline (if you're like me and have Zero trust in those running the show in MI right now)- 800-622-4357
Fuck it, message me even. Just don't sit on it. It Doesn't get better.
Back In Black, Return To the Rat Race, and the Revenge of the Fun Hogs.
With the pandemic on the downswing (or at least in stasis while variants are being processed in time for the mid terms) Michigan has already begun the process of getting back to its mediocre self. I love to have my event previews and am looking forward to doing them again. I am being sent events daily by Constant Readers who want to keep me aware of what's going on around town, and/or want me to roast it, or are even performing and would welcome the free publicity. I have already missed a few of them like the Hoe Army Bikini Car Wash which I covered last year (sober and scarred for life). I guess they had a wet t shirt contest this year so I guess its good I missed it because it would have crashed my year of sobriety goal. I also missed previewing the Leni Sinclair Jazz, Blues, & Soul Photo Show. I am a big fan of photography. The Fappening was a signature moment in my life. I remember taking the week off to cover it, and to this day it remains the single most read post in this site's history. I need to update the dead links and re-up that one. Captain Marvel I'm looking at you. No really, I'm looking at you right now. Oh, back to the Sinclair Photo Show, I would have loved to have previewed it because it featured a rare DJ Set by DJ Marcie Fundme. Oh well, you can see the flyer here:
Lets stop living in the past. The summer and beyond have a wealth of options for everyone wanting to get out and spread their non-Covid germs and viruses. I will try my best to preview and cover them all. Just a few that have been submitted for judging are Pig and Whiskey, DIY Fest, Punk Rock BBQ, and even those pig fuckers at the Hamtramck Music Festival are coming out of the woodwork to try that again hoping people would have forgotten about the poor business models, shitty booking, crooked venues, tax "challenges", and questionable $$$$. Don't worry, I haven't. I look forward to previewing each of these individually especially seeing what bands are booked for each. Anybody new for me to crush their dreams of being the next White Stripes in a public forum? Based on the Punk BBQ its going to be the same old shitty geezers, but I hope to be surprised. Please send me event pages and flyers so I can mark my calendar and work on covering them. It actually takes a bit of time. I may also attend some protests so let me know those as well. I have my signs made!
I also have started writing "my take" on the whole Royal Oak Main Art Theater closing down. As expected I got bored with it, but feel obligated to finish it. I feel you deserve an outsider's point of view and not some linthead saying "Oh I remember XXXXXXX at the Main Art" on some tribute group in between chugging chicken broth. There are a lot on factors in that deal including money, land, the evolution of Royal Oak, and even Hollywood itself being the death rattle for local independent theaters.
I do have another piece outlined from earlier this year before everyone had the option of getting vaccinated where I went out to some public events and new cities to see how people were adjusting back into society.
My final thing on the horizon is a magnum opus where I will go into the belly of the beast and fully integrate myself into a weekend of chaos with tens of thousands of complete strangers in a total transient town just as the pandemic is about to spring to life again. I am very curious to see how the general public operates in this setting and based on the news cycle now I believe we are doomed. That one I'm really looking forward to, and I have no shame in saying that 80% of it will be written before I even venture out into the wild to firsthand document the downfall of society. Just in case. It was going to be the MLB All Star Game in Colorado because of the controversy regarding Atlanta, but this will be so much better. I fully expected not to return. I really mean that, but then the Hamtramck Music Festival announced its return so I owe you that at least. This update ended up not being quick.
To close I want to try and integrate occasional guest columnists and editorials. If they don't send them directly I will just take them from various public social media. I do have to say that the views expressed are not of the Lavender Blog. That's how it works right? I just want to give others a voice so you're not reading the ravings of some boring white guy. Here ya go.
Wow, holy hell, now that is some beat level poetry. I'm not sure I agree with any or all of it, but hey does it even matter? Golden Rule #14: None of this matters. Act accordingly. This guest editorial thing could end up being....don't say it....resist....its not cool.....fuck....could end up being......Fun.
That's all I have for now slurries. Until then stop whining, get back to having fun, and stop whining.
Coda- A few quick notes:
We at Lavender are on record saying that there may have been zero issues in the election last Fall and the constant debate is hurting rather than helping. That being said when you see the waterheads in charge saying "There was no fraud" on a DAILY basis along with "Most Secure Election in history" and then something like this pops up regarding the NYC mayoral primary you would at least have to understand why some people have zero trust in the media and government...
Add that to every media outlet telling people yesterday that masks may be needed indoors even for fully vaccinated people and that the Delta Variant is potent especially with those with the Pfizer shot and THEN just an hour before I published this the CDC boss said that the vaccines prevent the Delta variant and that masks are not needed for those fully vaccinated you would at least have to understand why some people have zero trust in the media and the scientists who run the show. Anyway go out and have fun. That is fully endorsed by the Lavender Blog... Jesus
From the Iceman Commeth
The Only Survivor of the Too Much Fun Club
Dr. Bryan Metro
Posts
