Out now on Checkers Records Collective, the new LP by JCM, "The Fall of Bryan Metro".

Listen To This Now!!!!

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Emergency Committee Meeting!!!!!!

Yeah, I can do those too.  I met today with my advocate #2, a scag baron named Savage Henry, and we held an emergency meeting as to how to cover the upcoming festival that shall not be named here.  It was a very productive meeting and I will be releasing my coverage schedule tomorrow or Wednesday (Tuesday is Smackdown Live day) in case you wanted to know where I will be during the Fest, hot shots.  Rare pic of the emergency meeting....

Can you believe that Disney actually e-mailed me???!!!!  I was floored.  I was hoping it was a job offer, but instead it was to inquire about the Festival that shall not be named using the likeness of Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia in their promos along with t-shirts being made with her likeness on it advertised on their actual website (proceeds going where????  The charity?  You mean the one that is being investigated by the IRS?  K Den).  Me and my buzzard Savage Henry had at least 30 minutes of laughter processing this.  This is just an aside.  This is not the October Surprise.  Savage Henry is a scag baron after all...

After the laughter we got down to business which involved a folder of documents and names and by this time my advocate #1 arrived and took minutes, and we all shared a laugh reading the minutes from the Festival meetings.  And then we laughed harder at the actual documents of fraud and corruption. 

And then the laughter stopped because this is serious and ridiculous.  And everybody jumping off the JCM Titanic don't deserve the details today.  Anyways, that's all they are, just details.  And the only details that pertain to the local music squirts turning the blind eye are my, Bryan Metro's, Festival that shall not be named's festival schedule.  That will be up within a day.  Until then keep turning the blind eye.  It'll make it so much better.  I promise.  Have I ever lied to you??

My mentor Hunter was fond of saying "Buy the ticket, take the ride".  However, nowadays just buy the t-shirt and say you took the ride.

Follow the buzzards,
Bryan Metro

Monday, February 20, 2017

HamFest GoFundMe on its way....

My name is Bryan Metro and I operate a blog that reaches thousands of readers a week and you can't teach that.  And I am here to give you a preview of our new GoFundMe endeavour and you can't teach that.  Realist guy in the room, how you doin'?
Well despite all of the politics and "bust-outs" around Detroit these days, it looks like the Hamtramck Music Festival will be moving forward despit multiple bands being kicked off and venues pulling out.

So, its time for another GoFundMe to raise money so Bryan Metro can cover what will surely be a cluster......memorable event.  The goal is quite modest ($10) but the benefits are even better.  I apologize that we are not a 501c3 tax exempt charity, but as of this date nobody else can say that either.  The Hamtramck Music Festival has been mired in controversy this year and only Metro will committ to provide the honest coverage everyone will turn their cheek on.....I mean deserves.  So.....I will be covering the festival, with your help, so everybody knows the score....

The Reward Tiers

$5- "The Anonymous"- For a $5 donation, a scant half of the price of a HamFest wristband, we will give you acknowledgement on this blog, read by thousands weekly.  Of course we would allow you to remain anonymous if you wish, unless you want to be kicked off/banned from the next festival.

$10- "The Outsider"-  For a measley ten dollars you can own an autographed Limp Bizkit CD of your choice (CD must be provided) and it will be signed by our very own local superstar, Bryan Metro.

$15-"The Next Not Thing"- This prize is for a cheaply printed photocopy of a Queen Kwong nude of your choosing personally autographed by.....Bryan Metro.

$25- "The Real Package"- With this reward all of your $25 donations will go to a charity of YOUR choice, and hopefully it will be a verified charity.  Also the JCM will match the GofundMe fees and also donate it to that charity.

$30- "The Hospital Plan"- This reward is really only to help cover Metro's hospital fees...

$50- "The Interview Package"-  Here we have anyone who selects this reward can name any member of the Hamtramck Music Festival Committee and send three questions that we will ask during the festival, anything you want.  If you know any actual members of the committee then you have a jump start.  We just have Eugene Strobe and Lee Rosenbloom, maybe Melody Malosh.  But anyway, for this package we will seek out and ask 3 questions for those who will not answer questions.  On video. at the actual Festival. *Best Value*

$75- "The Asia Mock Package"- For the reasonable price of $75 Bryan Metro will make an ass of himself groveling on stage with a band of your choosing and then complain about it afterwards.

$100- "The Queen Kwong/Golden Pussies Package-  While Metro will indeed be covering the Fest (due to your very kind donations), he has zero intention of covering the band from LA playing the "biggest local music festival in the nation" Queen Kwong and Golden Torso, they of the "in over our heads" variety.  However, with your kind donation of $100 he will waive that policy and cover the set in person with video proof.  Parlay that with the equally reasonable $75 Asia Mock Package and he will grovel at the feet of a band of your choosing.

$100- "The Encore Special"- Whoever donates this we promise to send to Ben's Encore if they can prove they are a 501c3 charity and have filed the proper paperwork for the past 3 years. If not then dinner is on me.
From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

One Final Addendum-Asia Mock

One final addendum, from Metro.....
It has come to our attention that the primary shit starter is one of the proto-feminists Asia Mock (no relation to our bass player).  She was the catalyst about the Queen Fraud situation along with the catalyst for the White Shag situation.  So for some of you she may be a feminist hero, albeit one who is in the back pocket of Eugene Strobe, thus a glorified surrogate.  Just another social justice warrior making a statement that is out of her league.  Plays in an overrated band that is continuously "gifted" with bookings (and lets not forget the other gal got her break by banging Danny TurningtoDustRod).  The less said about the drummer the better.  Fat/skinny guy in a bodysuit.  Gonna have to pass.

Anyway, here is a rare pic of Mock Hypocrite (or mocking a hypocrite, or Asia Hypocrite) on stage with the band "that creeped her out".  Wow.  Hey, all of this being facts, I don't see a problem here.  Creature Feature indeed.

We are the biggest feminists out there right now.  Queen Kwong!  Don't take naked pics to jumpstart your career or hook up with a has-been from the 90's.  Rely on your god given talents dammit!

The non-feminazi girl from Pretty Ghouls, don't rely on your relationship with an ancient Detroit artifact for a break.  Use your (7) deity-given talents dammit.

Asia.....well I don't have anything for you, but keep plugging away.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

A Statement About a Statement About a Statement...

Hey, at least I'm being honest here.  Well the festival that shall not be named and the charity that should not be tax exempt both issued statements today that were disappointingly predictable and even worse....Safe.  But that's not surprising given the people involved.  Wait, who are the people involved?  Who even is on the Hamtramck Music Festival Phantom Committee?  Have they ever said?  Does anybody know?  If so please list their names in the comments section.  Any silence would be assumed that nobody really knows.  I'd like to know the names of the people who voted these terrible acts off.  After all, shouldn't they be celebrated for doing so along with curating a Fest by and for the community.  Or are they just a bunch of old men cowards?
The fact that the official Festival page only comments on supportive comments and does not answer any real questions seems to imply the latter.  The fact that it took them a week to drum that flaccid of a statement speaks volumes too.  Anyway

Here is an excerpt from my comment in the previous post that I thought would be a good transition:
"The main thing to take from this is that we have been the only entity in this area that has allowed people to state their mind, praise, complain, point out facts, point out alternative facts, and not have their comments be censored/deleted. The only comment we deleted in years included a personal e-mail address and did not want them to be harrassed.  We do allow them to be made anonymously, which we don't have to do.  We could always require registration/name required, or even worse require comment approval like Hip In Detroit does which is censorship of the highest degree (notice the zero comments on their posts....or maybe people are just afraid of being associated with reading that crap). And since I am one step ahead of the cup a haterz, yeah yeah maybe that's why people choose to comment anonymously on our blog.  But it doesn't change the fact that we allow a forum for people to say WHATEVER they want.  We have a zero tolerance policy for censorship.  People are cowards by nature, but we have been out in front the entire time.  Ten years, a decade of disrespect.  How many FB comments have been removed the past few weeks?  How many accounts have been blocked?  How many tax re-filings have been made?  And it is all because of us.  It really is.  In a moment I will post the Ben's Encore laugher of a statement in the issue of fairness (is that even a phrase, ah fuck it), and comment after it plus a few final notes, then will be moving on to more fun things because the Hamtramck Music Festival's phantom committee has sucked the life out of this town, not us.  Would I ever lie to you?

Okay, with that out of the way, we have posted statements by the Phantom Festival Committee, White Shag, and Ben's Encore.  All in the interest of fairness.  No other FB page, local blog, or even the Metro Times has had as much comprehensive coverage ALONG with allowing people to speak their mind.  And on a side-note after reading that statement from Ben's Encore, and after laughing at the use of "clerical misunderstandings"/note plural as the reason their 501c3 has been a fraud since 2016 and only recently reapplied for and for the fact they're not even advertising the 2017 Festival on their own website *edit...until today, once again, you're welcome, I came to the conclusion of this....
Since 75% of the content of their statement is a direct result of things that have been posted here, both in blog and comments, we would like a letter of gratitude from Ben's Encore for pointing out that they were on the precipice of committing major tax fraud.  Because let's be honest here, if it wasn't for us, nobody would have known about this (among other things), and for that we say thank you, fuck you, and fuck youuuuu.  Alright, I'm outta here.

Follow the buzzards,
Bryan Metro

Sunday, February 19, 2017

In Interest of Fairness...

What a crazy week its been!!!  But are you not entertained????
We have been pushing the angle of the charity being fraudulent and then a few days ago it was revealed that a band playing the Fest had a registered sex offender.  We did not name the band because of due research (we had been focusing on Ben's Encore).  Some of the anonymous commenters did point it out.

Then yesterday, the Hamtramck Music Festival site put out a laughable statement about a forthcoming statement which I dissected in the previous post.  It really is a hoot.  Check it out!

I started to connect the dots and realized the band in question may very well have been made out to be a patsy/scapegoat in all of this.  Whether I'm right about this or wrong, it sure got talking about bringing integrity back to the HMF so somebody accomplished what they were trying to do.

Expect that to last a day when the committee posts their official statement Monday.  (Needed the weekend to get a thesaurus).

Since then I, Ryan Metro, have been threatened numerous times regarding a "boot party" coming my way.  I counted six threats from people with public profiles like Nick Snow, former latte expert.  Yes, I have the screencaps saved in my folder (next to the porn) so I can prove what I am preaching (unlike Ben's Encore).  A few of my buzzards informed me that a "boot party" is a skinhead-related term, which is even more hilarious because not only is it a physical threat, but also a racial one.  Great job Nick!!!

We dealt with the same threats when we played the first HamFest from bands like Hellmouth and various sandwich makers, and of course we showed up, played, and nobody did a thing (show to be available for purchase soon on dvd).

This back and forth mentality is out of control.  "Let me stick up for HamFest"....by making racist/hate crime remarks.  You guys are gold.

But let me get to the point.  A member of the band in question issued a statement about what has been going on, and since I posted HamFest's statement, I will post this one without any editing.  So, in the interest of fairness......

"To my community:
If you care about me and are my really friend, you will share this post as much as you can. I am also begging you to do so. I have never laid down to my community as I am now and begged for mercy. Please do not take this lightly as it is my livelihood, my health and everything I have worked for.
As a woman and a feminist, I have been fighting the frontlines for years. I have been sexually harassed, sexually assaulted, discriminated and mistreated in the rock scene in Detroit and abroad. When I lived in Santiago, Chile (My mother is from there, I am Latina), I was the only woman in my entire class of 120 students. My professors discriminated against me and sexually harassed me, but still I persevered. It was not acceptable for women to sing or play rock and roll in Chile and I persevered regardless. I came back to the United States and started my band, White Shag. Again, I found myself being mistreated for being a woman in the rock scene to the point where I wanted to give up. I persevered. I have mentored and taught young girls, boys, women and men in music and have inspired not just women, but men as well. I have written feminist anthems such as "Bleed" which is about the constant struggle of proving myself as a woman in the music scene. I wrote die for me "Die for Me" (and I have never shared this, because I have been ashamed to) about a decision I had to make about keeping a child or not when I was a younger woman. Those of you who know, know that when I rock, I rock hard and I want every woman to feel comfortable doing that on stage. That is why I do what I do.
I'm sure you have heard about all the terrible rumors going around about my band. When I met my guitarist, 10 years ago, a friend brought to my attention his prior conviction. I was extremely concerned at first. Although, I am a very intuitive and empathetic person and my gut kept telling me to go do my own research. I ordered court documents so I could make my own deduction of what had happened and I realized, that what this person did was inexcusable, but it was not fair to judge him or remove him from my life (and if you want my opinion on the matter, please feel free to private message me or email at laura@whiteshag.com). I also found it a shame to judge someone that had to take a plea instead of going to court and fighting the fight for financial reasons (Sidenote - I suggest you watch The 13th with Oprah Winfrey for more information on that). I never felt unsafe around him either, even though he didn't know I knew about his conviction. He had also very clearly done his time and I didn't feel it was right not to play in a band with him because he used poor judgement in his past. Everyone deserves a second chance.
Unfortunately, this has reared its ugly head 10 years after my guitarist served his time and fellow bands and women are saying terrible things about my band. These are things that I've had to turn over to an attorney and pay for with money I do not have. I'm sure you all saw that I was in the hospital the other day for a heart attack, which was actually an anxiety attack due to all of the stress from this madness. Since then, I have seen my fellow women call me a "rape apologist" and friends and fellow bands turn their backs on me and drop out of festivals we are on. I tried to reach out to these people at first because I wanted to talk with them, but the only person who I managed to have a conversation with was irrational, hateful and judgemental. It was very clear that my fellow feminists and Detroit musicians were not willing to hear my cry. Since I went to the hospital, I have been sent physical threats by my fellow females and musicians (which I've had to involve the police) and have been witch hunted continuously on forums in the community that have kicked me off so I don't even have a voice. The venues and festivals we are on are getting bombarded with emails to have us dropped or kicked off. My friends and fellow bands that have defended us have been threatened as well. I have been shunned by my fellow musicians even though I was praised by them not long before they made their judgements about what they don't know. All of you who know me, know that me and my band do NOT deserve this. We are good people who have stood up and supported this community for years. This is hateful, judgemental and hurtful. It is not right to say that my guitarist, or anyone for that matter, who has a prior past to be shunned from ever having a normal life again, especially if they are doing everything to have a normal life.
If this is a matter of safety and someone feeling unsafe, I ask that you email me or contact me with your concerns. Your name will be protected. I don't want ANYONE to feel unsafe!!! I will see to it myself, as a woman and a Latina, that you do, if that is the issue!! The door is open!
I know that this is probably going to open me up for more harassment, but I cannot stay quiet anymore. I tried to ignore this, but no longer can. I'm sure I will be shunned by the fellow female community as well as the music community for this even though I have been fighting the frontlines for women and Latinas in music for so long. Not just sitting behind a computer and posting. My talent, my music, my band- it speaks for itself. This is supposed to be about music. Let's keep it that way.
I will not give up. I haven't up until now even after all of that and won't ever!
If you know me and respect me, you will share.
Laura Mendoza
Lead singer and bassist of White Shag"

So there you go.  Look at us being completely objective for once! How quickly and catty people can turn on a dime around here.  Up until 2 weeks ago, Hip in Detroit were doing interviews with them and Milo was writing their band bio (thanks anonymous commenters).  Now everybody is distancing themselves.  So typical Detroit.  But are you not entertained?????

Follow the Buzzards,
Bryan Metro

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Sorry....Can't resist.....

So this just popped up on Facebook....

"HMF Official STATEMENT 2/18/17:
The Hamtramck Music Fest and its committee members are currently creating specific mechanisms that will more directly deal with issues of safety, any type of hostile behavior, or anything that threatens the safe environment we intend to provide to our public.
Our goal at HMF has always been to reach out and engage our community in order to use that input to make this festival the best it can be.
This current situation demands we go through an information-gathering & review process in order to create policies to remedy these issues. This process is the only way we can come to a comprehensive and united action plan for the future.
We intend to remedy this situation as quickly as possible. In line with that, the HMF will release a full statement of intent by Monday, February 20th.
The HMF strives for a safe and inclusive community music festival, for the people, by the people, for the betterment of our extended community.
Questions or comments can be sent to

I absolutely wanted to do a parody of the statement about making a statement, but instead decided to post it verbatim (unless they edit or delete it entirely which based on the noble actions of the HamFest Committee wouldn't surprise me).  So I will give them their due and post it entirely and dissect it......here:

"The Hamtramck Music Fest and its committee members are currently creating specific mechanisms that will more directly deal with issues of safety, any type of hostile behavior, or anything that threatens the safe environment we intend to provide to our public."- This coming from a festival that is "celebrating its 4th year."  Oh yes.  Let's wait 4 years to deal with issues of safety.  Great job.  So my sources tell me that the transgression in question (not a Tunde plug) involves a local band that may or may not have a convicted sex offender in it. I hope in their carefully revised (x10) statement, the HamFest committee explains their booking procedures.  You know, actually content, not just boring rhetorical statements.

 "Our goal at HMF has always been to reach out and engage our community in order to use that input to make this festival the best it can be."  Weird....I thought it was something for geezers who can't get booked anywhere to showcase their own bands that was then attached to a charity that has been proven to be fraudulent.

"This current situation demands we go through an information-gathering & review process in order to create policies to remedy these issues. This process is the only way we can come to a comprehensive and united action plan for the future."-  Once again....this from a festival that has been going on for 4 years.  Nowwwwwww we're looking into the information gathering process.  Just read that sentence.  Was this written by the Trump/Hillary campaigns?  Also, what is a "united action plan" lol?  Words are wordz.

"We intend to remedy this situation as quickly as possible. In line with that, the HMF will release a full statement of intent by Monday, February 20th."-  Cool!  Rad! Because of such a serious situation like this (sex offenders and fraud charities) it would make sense to remedy as quickly as possible, even if that is 3 fucking days (or 3 years depending on how you look at it).  I'm still laughing at the statement about making a statement.  Now that all these allegations filter in (more on that in a minute), Strobe's combover must be doing a 360.

"The HMF strives for a safe and inclusive community music festival, for the people, by the people, for the betterment of our extended community.
Questions or comments can be sent to
hamtramckmusicfest@gmail.com"-  I can't believe you neglected to mention the charity you are working with.  The 501c3 one.  That one.  Questions/comments will be answered in 3 years (if at all I assume).

Ok dissection over.  Now real honest talk, actually its all been honest....which the local community deserves.
Make no mistake about it.....the revealing of the improperly credited charity and the sex offender shit would never have been revealed, and HamFest's statement subsequently, would never have happened if it wasn't for us.  Don't kid yourselves.  Do you really think that the charity discussion or the sex offender discussion would be a point thanks to our open anonymous comment section something we don't have to allow.  We could be like Hip and Detroit and have all comments approved....yeah, that's free speech.

-And speaking of Hip in Detroit.....I'm loving the links I have saved where you blew smoke up the ass of the band in question. I won't post them now because things are hazy and want to give you enough time to remove them  Guess your vetting process was as good as HamFest's, (or interrupted by the appetizer menu).

So yeah, can't wait till Monday (for multiple reasons)....you'll see.  Just fighting the good fight so the community gets what they deserve.  You know I'm right.  C'mon say it.

Follow the buzzards,
Bryan Metro

Thursday, February 16, 2017

What a Difference a Day Makes + a Tribute

Metro checking in for the last time on Lavender Blog.  Since we didn't have a chance to do the retirement show, I guess I'll just do it here.  But first.....some multimedia......



You know that old saying, "I told you so"  or maybe this one, "Where there's smoke....."?  Actually that was a rhetorical question.  I don't expect anybody to use their name/avatar to agree with any of this.......wait.....hold on, one second.  NEWS!

Hamtramck Music Festival, Lo & Behold! Records & Books is removing itself as a venue this year. Cheers and goodnight.

So let me get to the......wait, okay, one more media embed...
Couldn't resist.... 

Ok...so a few venues have/will back out of HamFest.....and the charity website is encountering some minor glitches.....and the Hamfest Facebook page took down the schedule.....but nothing to see here.  Okay, I'm sidetracked again.  Let's get to the tribute:

All of this goes out to my dad Robert Sr., who is now in the Clearing at the End of the Path.  He spent his entire career in the telephone industry, before cells, a real union guy, and he would always get in hot water for pointing out the obvious corruption within the unions.  So all of this is a tribute to you Pops.  I know you are smiling right now.  At all the facepalms going on right now.  Okay, one final pipe......errrr promo:

-To everybody who has commented saying "Nobody reads this except for like 10 people"......are you right?  I'm looking at you Sadie Quasimodo.  What's your explanation for this??

-Why did the charity website update their "About Us" section to "tax exempt status pending"/ (charity been active for 4 years)?  Only then, to have the entire website disappear in a day....??

-Where are all the uninformed (and some mutual friends) turning a blind eye to all of this?

And finally, Vegas odds aren't in, but I'm 50/50, was this a scam from the get-go, or was it typical Detroit incompetence??

Okay one final media link....This is who's supporting this total fucking scam...

Time to Play the Game,
Bryan Metro

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

You Are Going To Love This...

Well, maybe a little earlier than preferred, or maybe just in time, here we go again.

But first, an interlude....  The narrative about the Ben's Encore charity is amazing, and their words equally are inspiring.  This is from the heart, and you never want to see anybody go too soon.

But here is what really pisses me off....after our/my initial barbs caused them to update their site (one sec)
....okay back....but completely ignores that they have been a non-profit, tax exempt charity for three years is preposterous.  So what exactly happened to the money that was written off the past 3 years?  Its just butter on the bread that Third Man Records is involved.

And its very glaring that the Festival That Shall Not Be Named removed the post about removing us (without mentioning us by name of course).  Why did they take it down?  It had so many likes on Facebook, and was a message of love and community.  Why take it down? Okay, one more time....why take it down?  There was nothing bad about it.  It was a good post.  Why take it down?  I have one more question for you....Why take it down?

Ahhhhhh fuck it, it'll be all swept under the rug eventually.  However, if you want to keep the ball rolling here is the list of the "board" of Ben's Encore.  Feel free to message them.  Hell, they're probably as surprised as I am at all this shenanigans.
Da Board....

And don't forget....follow the buzzards,
Bryan Metro


Since we/I are moving on from the festival that shall not be named, lets move on to this:

What in the fuck is that?  It totally looks like a flier for an independent wrestling show in Lincoln Park (I would know).  In the (since deleted) posts I predicted this act would be shoved down our throats in 2017 and it looks to be off to a great start.  Ten dollars????  Hold on one second.......

Ten dollars?????  That's the same amount as a wristband....well you know the rest.  Of course Third Man Records is involved so the money will be going directly to the bands playing.  Ahahahahahahahaha kidding.
So why wait until March to waste $10 on a multitude of boring, safe, acts when you can do it RIGHT NOW for only three acts!

Look, I'm sure the dude is a good guy, and has paid his dues in the local scene for years (and years), but this is just another example of a single artist (or 2) "chosen" to be shoved down everybody's throats.  Just wait you'll see.  And like everyone in the past (George Morris, Jamaican Queens, etc), the push will amount to nothing and they will be under a different name within a year.  Yeah, you may think this is mean, nasty, harsh, but.....Am I lying to you?

You would be better off just donating the money to a charity.  But make sure you verify that it is a legit charity that filed their tax information for the past three years!!!

Or just see John Wick 2 (review:  It was really really good!)

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Valentine's Day

It's Tuesday, you know what that means.

Hope everybody has a very Happy and safe Valentine's Day.  Even if you are of the opinion that it is a "corporate holiday" where greedy corporations and even some non-profits take advantage of the uninformed public, the message is what matters the most.  So be sure to celebrate with your special somebody no matter the race or gender, and if you don't have one then, your special furry friend, or even your favorite tree in the yard.  Now is the time as a nation to stand true for what you believe in, and no band/blog believes in that mentality more than us.  Which is why it disgusts me to be up way too early and watching local news report that Hooters has a special where you can tear up an ex's photo in exchange for 10 wings.  So, in addition to forcing women to objectify their bodies against their will, now they allow for "ex-shaming" and that makes me sick.

I may be so inclined to see if this preposterous promotion is in fact true....and in person.  And if it is I figure to take advantage of a pretty good deal.  I have the perfect picture to bring too
Have a blessed day.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Monday, February 13, 2017

Now Let's Talk...For Real

 Alllllllright, rosebuds, It's Monday, and you know what that means.....

The weekend was a tornado of chaos and entertainment, but now the work week is back again and we are getting back to work.  Let's quickly recap:  Crying, moaning, sideways mung, kicked off HamFest, Trump comparisons (which by the way, so lazy and 2016), and lots of fake meetings and pats on the back.
Not gonna lie, I had a blast in between my bouts of depression, but now its time to get to the real work at hand.  And anybody who thinks we have gotten lazy, even meaner, and not "funny"  (that one's for you Chris), and you want to piss us off (actually its only me these days so) me off.  Then actually do some homework and lets slide down the surface of things.........
 I spent the day getting annoyed by all this festival tomfoolery. The thing that was ticking away at me the most was this whole connection to Ben's Encore and the "registered 501(c)3" blather. Now that I do some work with boards I know there's all sorts of rules and regulations that go with that and particularly fundraising. The most interesting thing to me is that Ben's Encore doesn't show up in the State AG database.  Is this true.  I used the public links provided and couldn't find anything. Then, on the charity website, there's a link that's supposed to connect to their exempt organization status with the IRS...but the link is now dead and when I searched for their name nothing comes up.  Is this true, or did I mess up the search? It actually looks their exemption got revoked in May 2016 because they didn't file a 990. It might not be the same Ben's Encore but just saying... and how many Ben's Encore's are there anyway?  Is this true?  I used the links provided by the gov websites and found nothing.  The revocation only happens when you failed to file for three straight years. Something's fucky going on herrrrrrre.  Is this true?

There could also be some funny stuff with the HMF statement that ALL proceeds go to the charity. Essentially, that just means all net proceeds go to the charity--there is a ton of stuff HMF (which just refers to itself as a community organization) should be doing in collecting money, donating to the charity and then a bunch of stuff the charity should be doing after receiving the funds.  None of this has ever been publically provided.  Am I wrong?
Anyway, I was mostly just curious when they refer to this committee and themselves as an organization but do they realize everything that goes with that? Do they actually have operating expenses (are they paying the sound guys?) Are the bars donating things like beer sales? Is this committee receiving something for their time even though they claim to be volunteers?. Depending on how official of a community organization they are, there could also be rules tied into how they have to hold committee meetings, giving proper notice prior to meetings or special meetings (like the phantom/fake one they kicked us out at), and keeping minutes of committee meetings.  EVERY  PERSON comparing us to Trump the past week are the same people who are crying for him to release his tax returns....So.....lets be consistent kids.  Where is the outcry and ownership for the HamFest board??  Why have they not held an "emergency fake meeting" to kick off Golden Torso for their sexist remarks which were made on a public Facebook page, rather than a blog you have to click on to read?

Here are a cup a links to verify this that I'm sure you will not click because its so much easier to just look away like you do with L.M (sorry, had to; too easy AND RIGHT IN EVERYBODYS FACES), but anyway, this is the JCM and we just released the elephant in the room.  Oh and can we get somebody to translate everything I said to Queen Kwong, not because of a language barrier (that would be racist) but because she's not very intelligent .  She needs the help....







So, to anybody who says we're just looking for attention, the attention is now on you.  Commence disappearing and continue looking away.  But when you're done....follow....the buzzards.

*Update....stay tuned for the dirty work of Third Man Records sending money to a fake charity to be filtered out to who knows because Ben's Encore has not filed with the IRS in 3 (third man?) years.  Now.....if I'm wrong, let me know. 

* Also the JCM street team has discovered that Queen Kwong herself has a charity "Motor Kitty Rescue", and as an owner of multiple cats, I think it is a great idea.  However, they are not registered with the IRS either, thus nobody knows where the money is going.  All of this was found out using the links above.  Public record doofuses.  If you think I'm just slandering the entitled, look them up yourself, and then ask....where is my money really going?????

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro (and Pete)

Sunday, February 12, 2017

An Apology......

Wow.... what a crazy 48 hours this has been.  I've had the time to calm down and do some deep reflecting, and I think that its time for an apology.  Okay, give me a minute, I don't do this often......

As you probably know, the JCM was set to play the PLAV #6 at HamFest.  I was shocked when we were initially asked to play.  Ok, and mildly excited.  My dad, who has gone to the clearing in the field, played there many moons ago, and in an eerie foreshadowing I mentioned that it would be an honor to be banned from there.  Well, it happened.  In an emergency board meeting (that never actually happened) it was "voted" that we are to be removed immediately.  Various chirpings about racism, sexism, e-mails to the mayor of Hamtramck....Really???  Really?

It all left me exhausted....

So now, I would like to apologize......

-I would like to apologize to the members of the JCM: -jr, Wang, Elizabeth First, Peter the Freshman, The Indian, and Suck, the drummer.  I am sorry.  They have all quit/been fired.  I knew that you were looking forward to practicing (I know, spare me) and playing the show as we don't really see each other that much these days.  I stupidly did what we have done the past 10 years, and my only mistake was not realizing that in this political climate 2017, everybody is in "super-sensitive mode".  See, its okay to rip on us, its actually encouraged in social media posts that are then deleted.  While I did succeed in making us the most talked about band in town, I failed in securing the show, and for that, I am sorry.

-I would like to apologize to the booker for PLAV #6, who shall remain nameless because I do not wish a similar witch hunt on you.  Thank you for giving us the opportunity.  I hope the turnout is good for the midnight slot on Saturday from people thinking we may actually show up (more on that in a bit).

-I especially want to apologize to our fans.  Yes, they are out there.  Go ahead and make jokes about our Facebook "likes", but there were a large amount of bands booked for HamFest that had less likes when I was doing the previews (although Jeff Milo was always among 'em).  To the fans who were looking forward to the show, I am sincerely sorry.  I know a lot don't/can't comment because of work purposes, but I do appreciate you all.  We did/do have something special planned (more on that in a bit).

-To my family, I apologize, especially to Pops.  I know, even all the way from the clearing in the field, that you wanted us to play there, but I did warn you.  Actually Pops won't be pissed.  He's probably saying, "You're not getting paid???  To hell with those brats."  When I talked to my uncle today, he was furious about the decision.  He was around during the MC5 days and said that there is no danger anymore these days, and that if this happened in 1070 then we would never have no Stooges or punk rock.  Everybody promoting happiness in denial is what killed the flower generation.  Side note-  Uncle routinely kicked the shit out of the White Panther members because John Sinclair and Wayne Kramer, while notable for the music scene, also took advantage of brainwashed minor aged girls....but nobody seems to talk about that.....

Wow.....apologizing is hard work.  And now for the encore pipebomb, get your popcorn......

-This isn't the end.

-Fuck you to the Hamtramck Music Festival Phantom Committee for caving in to....what do we got here?  A cup a haterz?  A cup a haterz?  The only reason people are talking about the Fest ( and promoting it) was/are us.  Pussies.

-Fuck you to Queen Kwong, whose foray into nude modeling....

 .....didn't exactly light the career on fire as she expected/hoped/paid for, so she went into music.....actually, I stand corrected, late 90's has-been music went into her.  Hey crybaby, we have an Asian bass player more Asian than you.  Now that the schedule is freed up, maybe see you Saturday.  I could use the sleep.

-I already did the "fuck you" for the Phantom Music Fest committee but here is a special "fuck you" to Eugene Strobe, a master of being modest in the background, yet books himself every year (I think its their only bookings, and do people really clamour for this shit?).  Old man.....you exemplify everything that is wrong, and what is sucking the life, out of the local music scene.  And, old man, even if they don't say it to your face, everybody knows it. #pipebomb

-Fuck you to Lee Majors.... I'll go easy on ya this time because its 6 in the morning on a Sunday and you probably have the VHS copy of "Home Alone" on repeat...

-Fuck to to Golden Torso.  I was torn on using their name since all their publicity came from this incident, but these amateurs are the worst; worst in that they're so boring.
Hamtramck board of directors please note:  This band of nobodys who don't drum up any publicity has posted sexual degradation of women's genitalia

along with disgusting sexual remarks about a band actually booked for HamFest, White Shag:

Here's our final round of picks for this wildly successful Motor City Music Conference, I mean, #mtBlowout. The hardest slot to decide to fill is the middle so here are some options between 10pm and 12am.
White Shag, 10:15 @ Small's - This band is basically cum.

So where is the outrage there?  Fucking hypocrites.....  Be consistent....old men......

-Finally, send me an e-mail address so I can get you my direct deposit # for all the publicity We have done for your Fest......old men.

And now, for the kicker...........we're coming......

Follow the Buzzards,
Bryan Metro


Saturday, February 11, 2017

Dust Settled??? Not on Our Watch

Metro, back......  Lets get this out of the way right away.  The JCM is officially off the Hamtramck Music Fest.  We are no longer playing Sat. March 4th at the PLAV.  However, we do support the other acts playing that day.  I won't name them because I do not want them to be removed by the old old men and phony Indian Givers that run HamFest.  So we will leave it at that.  Now.....

This post was actually difficult to work on because anybody who had a "white knight" opinion deleted it immediately.  Why?  I have screen capped so many posts from Queen Cunt and HamFest that were posted and then deleted once they got what they wanted.  Soak it in babay.  We accomplished exactly what we wanted to do, and that is to expose the local music scene as being so fucking stagnant.  The top draw is some doff who posed for nude photos to get on the map, and then gave up and hooked up with a 90's relic....really????  Reallly?  And then after getting called out on it pulled all the comments.......Insecurity sucks......bitch.

HamFest-  Well, where to begin....a music festival.  "We will have a meeting to discuss this issue."

When did that happen?  5am?  Pussies.  The fact is that we have done more to drum up interest for this poorly organized festival and then we get banned because we actually speak our minds???????

Queen Kwong crying about the posts till she got her way (at least she didn't need mouthwash this time) and HamFest taking a stand.

Then, everybody deletes their whiny posts to show a pretty little sense of community, when everybody involved is in on the fix:

Eugene Strobe:  An old man who can't get a gig unless he books it.

Six and the Sevens-  See above

Lee Majors-  "Wait you can't say that!!!!"  however, there is smoke and fire for exploiting young guys for "personal" benefit....this scene is so fucking screwed....  Have fun with it.

Hamtramck Music Festival banned us because we speak the truth, and also because of the complaints of their golden child Queen Kwong who has done nothing substantial other than posing topless for publicity and sucking off a 90's relic, and is now the be all end all of the HamFest.

However here is a post from Golden Torsos degrading the female body posted on their Facebook page:
Golden Torso
Golden Torso Also, big clits are beautiful and natural. If you ever have the opportunity to see a clit, I hope it's a big one.

If they are banned also based on your manifesto then fine (Shouldn't have been booked to begin with) but if they're not, then the hypocrite ball is in your park HamFest hypocrites......

The fact is that we didn't "body shame" anyone....we just posted professionally taken pics of a good looking girl trying to "make it" but once we called it out, everybody got butthurt.  She moved on from the nudes to fuck a star of the 1990's scene.  Nothing wrong with that.  Hey, I'd fuck the chick from Garbage if I had the chance.  Not quite Limp Biskit, but hey......  Lets be honest here.   Deleting all of your posts to save face is hilarious.  We have them saved anyways.  Fucking airheads.  We will still be at HamFest, we even have an act that is letting us take over their set.  Pussies.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Friday, February 10, 2017

Time To Play the Game..... (Tears edition)

LOl....so apparently Queen Kwong pulled out of HamFest because of us...... please contact us when we can pick up our Nobel Prize/Purple Heart/Medal of Valor!!!!

Carre Kwong Callaway
1 hr ·

Sorry 2017 Hamtramck Music Festival, I am not down with playing a festival that books body shaming, racist, misogynistic bands. I can deal with trolling, it goes with the territory. But that doesn't mean I have to play a festival that books and promotes a band that makes tee shirts with a local woman's face on it ..........

Wait.  I am stepping in!!!!!  If you can name the local women's face that we ever put on a "tee shirt"...we will voluntarily leave the fest.  Actually if you can name a local face ever put on a shirt I will voluntarily kill myself....because you are a misinformed dumb bitch.  ( that say "fat pig," and writes comments about me like the one below. (There was no face and the shirt said "Size 12 Pig" and we had a female member of the band with a similar shirt (though not a Size 12) because it was satire.  Also good job not saying  that Hog in Detroit posted personal information about us on social media and then denied it. No thanks!

Kt Baughn What. The. Fuck.

Metro here-  I knowwwwwwww how blind can you be.  If Queen Puss-Mist wants to back out then the JCM will gladly play both venues that day.  Phil Collins-style.
Sara Tea I suggest everyone write a note to the fest, I just did. Hamtramck Music Festival

Contact the mayor!!!!!

Carre Kwong Callaway 💕💕💕
Like · Reply · 22 mins

Yesssss do that.  Because we, in 3 days, have drummed up more interest in the HamFest than a doff top photo shoot and banging a 90's has-been has ever done.  So keep crying.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Are You Not Entertained????? #Hamfest

 Here we go.  Since Queen Kwong made a smart...hahahaha, comment and then decided to be lazy and block before a response lets do a little sidebar critique of the sycophant comments on the page.  Bonus HamFest content:  GO!

-Interlude:   Wes Borland: " I can make sword.  Be in a band.  Suck the wick?"

Anyways, Queen Kwong is pissed, and the sycophants come out.  Come out.  Its good fodder,  Here he go........ (Metro is in bold).
Carre Kwong Callaway 41 
mins ·
To whomever wrote and is trying to circulate the blog post about me playing the Hamtramck Music Festival...you are clearly bitter about your lack of success in your own life, and you need to take a class on effective writing or journalism 101! If you really want to convince people that a band is boring, you need to come up with reasons (Stop right there....we reviewed the songs.  Yeah boring...dullll...next) why instead of saying 'you can't go anywhere without people gushing about how good they are' and following that with topless pictures of me that you scoured the internet for (which says a lot about you, rather than anything about me (We're back....what does it say about you?  Why even shoot them?  What's the slant?  We need to know??). I invite you to Paycheck's Lounge on March Xth, where we will be playing HMF with our friends Golden Torso and Frank Howard Woodman IV, and many other awesome, Detroit area bands. I DARE you to come see how boring we are. (I already know how boring, and plain you are, but I'll be there there just because I can.) PS: Thanks for the PR. Like 
lena Legakis What the actual fuck?!
Like · Reply · 39 mins
Stephen Vincent
Stephen Vincent I can't imagine wasting that much time on something I'm just not interested in. Stop complaining, go do/see what you like and move on.
Like · Reply · 2 · 38 mins
K den.....
Sadie Quagliotto
Sadie Quagliotto Carre Kwong Callaway, they have been harassing me for years, don't even give them the attention, they are some weirdos who work at a cvs, have nothing to do with the scene, they just hate, no one gives a fuck . you'll never see them someplace, no one knows about the blog for the most part etc. Literally doesn't matter at all, promise!
This idiot.....harassing, as in posting personal information online about people when it was already available.  Sadie your your IQ actually surpasses your body weight....and fuck off.....
Like · Reply · 3 · 38 mins
Brandon Fusco
Brandon Fusco Haha! CVS....
Like · Reply · 1 · 36 mins · Edited
Sadie Quagliotto
Sadie Quagliotto I havent read their shit in years (Thats a lie...got ur IP) but i knew who it was going to be, cause literally if they think you have any credit they ride it - especially if your a women. I promise it doesnt matter (More boring rhetoric)
Like · Reply · 34 mins
Jessica Imbronone Sanches
Jessica Imbronone Sanches omg my need to know level = infinity!!!! I hope it's the CVS on Campau.🤣🤣🤣  (Good lord who would work there?)
Like · Reply · 1 · 34 mins
Carre Kwong Callaway
Carre Kwong Callaway I know! Thanks lady. I actually just wrote the post so that they can stop trying to get my attention. Takes A LOT more than that to get me to think that kind of stuff is anything other than funny. I've been meaning to start promoting the show anyway! Haha
Like · Reply · 6 · 33 mins
Sadie Quagliotto
Sadie Quagliotto I think this calls for a - "She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.” - keep being a bad ass babe
Like · Reply
 (You are so cute.......)
Cole Waterman Just by what you described, I'm assuming the blog you're referring to has something to do with a band that has a deity and a power tool in its name.
Like · Reply · 1 · 8 mins 
(Seven Deities loser.....). Queen Kwong fucking rock. straight up.
Like · Reply · 3 · 37 mins
Frank Howard Woodman IV
Frank Howard Woodman IV I'm going to make the event page tonight!
Like · Reply · 5 · 35 mins
Katie Gotfried
Katie Gotfried Horrible. I find your music amazing and you inspiring. Artful, soulful, boring and relatable. You put everything into your music and it's truly amazing ❤
Like · Reply · 1 · 34 mins
Jessica Imbronone Sanches
Jessica Imbronone Sanches Dislike. Get the fuck out of here.
Like · Reply · 33 mins
Jeff Rebrovich
Jeff Rebrovich Wait? Huh? Who in the shit is saying this nonsense? (Clink the link dummy)
Like · Reply · 31 mins
Carre Kwong Callaway
Carre Kwong Callaway It's okay friends, I welcome the opportunity to expose a hateful, misogynist leech among us, any day. I'm not upset or offended. I look pretty good in those pictures! HA  (Well said coming from a leech....Calls it like I see's it)
Mike Fuhr I think my wife had a pretty great response...Glad you didn't let them get to you.
#FuckTheHaterz lol (How's her therapy going?)
Image may contain: text
Like · Reply · 1 · 19 mins
Carre Kwong Callaway
Carre Kwong Callaway Aw thanks. Awesome wife! Women need to be empowered by their bodies, not shamed when men try to pull this shit.
Like · Reply · 2 · 13 mins
Mike Fuhr
Mike Fuhr Indeed!
And yeah, she's a pretty swell lady 😉
Like · Reply · 10 mins
Sadie Quagliotto
Sadie Quagliotto side note, you do look hot af, but you always do, clothes or no clothes! Now who has a fucking cheeseburger?????

Christopher Slapnik
Christopher Slapnik Welcome to the Detroit music scene. This is par for the course. It's why I play mostly out of state and only play select shows here. The DMA's all that type of shit is a joke. So many bitter and angry people here. I've seen you guys live and it's anything but boring.
Frank Howard Woodman IV it's sooooo on!
No automatic alt text available.
Like · Reply · 5 · 25 mins
Ryan Dillaha
Ryan Dillaha Great line up! Fuck 'em!

(Fucking 2 sentences and you put me to sleep)
Like · Reply · 14 mins
Lisa Joan
Lisa Joan Haha...yeah, those assholes have ragged on every woman in the Detroit scene. (Not women....stop working to make it political. Your's could be next Suicide Girl....) There are MAYBE two or three followers of their's who do all the commenting. None of them go to shows or contribute anything positive to music or the city.
Like · Reply · 1 · 13 mins
Sadie Quagliotto replied · 1 Reply
Shawn Knight
Shawn Knight Fuck em (Irrelevant since 2008)

Like · Reply · 7 mins
Tony Liggett
Tony Liggett Carre, Im so sorry to hear this. We have encountered some millenial musicians who have responded to rejection of their sphomoric efforts with petulance and anger, rather than getting back to the practice space to make a better product. I apologize on behalf of HMF for all music lovers out there. You rock! Thanks for being part of the festival. (K Den)
Like · Reply · 5 mins
Hayley Jane Keenan
Hayley Jane Keenan Shame on the twat trying to cause trouble 😡

"Jeff Milo continue blossoming up top at the canopy where the sky's open up to you, while the rodents root around for bugs to eat on the forest floor."
(Sorry for that)
Carre Kwong Callaway Thanks for the kind and supportive words. I appreciate it. But let's not give these guys another thought. I'm not upset. I posted this because they've been trying to get my attention by posting and tagging and instead of ignoring it, I wanted to let them know that YES,
Adam Ison You're probably one of the best bands I've seen live ! Definitely not boring
Like · Reply · 3 mins · Edited

Kat Paled
Kat Paled I have a feeling I know who you're referring to. Insolent children. Zero credibility. Pay them no mind 💜
Like · Reply · 1 min


Carre Kwong Callaway Thanks for the kind and supportive words. I appreciate it. But let's not give these guys another thought. I'm not upset. I posted this because they've been trying to get my attention by posting and tagging and instead of ignoring it, I wanted to let them know that YES, I saw it and so the fuck what?? WOMEN WILL NOT BE SHAMED BY THEIR OWN BODIES. Now they can stop trying so hard to get at me. I've been doing this long enough to eat this amateur kind of trolling for breakfast. Nice try, dummies!

I'm not upset, but let me take an hour to post about them and how they are so so so bawddddd.  Airhead.  Way to justify your mission statement.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro  👎🏻

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

HamFest Prevue Part 7- The Final Part U-Z

And we finally come to the end of our preview for the Hamtramck Music Festival, a project that should have taken 2 days but instead, a week.
My name is Bryan Metro and I caught your girlfriend lookin' at me and you can't teach that.  And this here is Suck and he plays drums and you can't teach that.  Bada boom, realist guys in the room.  How you doin'?
This is the last part of the HamFest Prevue.  After our disclaimer, think to yourselves how big this festival could be if every act put in as much effort as we did these past few days to get the bands' names out there.  Suck: "And if you're not down with that I got two words for ya! Graphic Design"
*Once again, I search one video/song from each act and there is your blurb....  All posts by Metro unless noted

HamFest Prevue Part 7 U-Z

Unlimited Head- I was so excited by the band name, but nothing on Youtube or Facebook, just bad promotion.  Fuck off.  Suck: "I need a coffee to get through this, don't I?"

Valentiger- "Live at Majestic"-  Shit sound.  Twerp band.

Vespre- "Siren"-  Appreciate the craft.  Well done.  Not my thing which means you'll love it.

Violent Bloom- "Tiny Desk Contest"-  Oh hey Suck, its another generic local band.  Suck: "Did you do your fantasy baseball picks yet?  Metro: "Its February.

Virginia Violet & the Rays- "Ray Gun Fire"-  Amy Winehouse-lite.  Two sax players??!

The Vitas-  Couldn't find a single thing on them.  Fuck it.  Suck: "What song is next?"

Voyag3r- I refuse to cover any act that does that stupid, cutesy name thing.  I just want to ask them why?  What's the point?  Suck: "You want off the lawn, dude?"

VSTRS-  Suck: "I have no idea where Metro went, but he was muttering and very flushed."

The Walking Beat-  I'm back.  And so fucking typical, I can't find anything on them on Youtube or FB within the time limit.  This last part is turning out terrible.  Suck: "I'm going out for coffee."

Warhorses- "Fuzz Fest III"-  Generic blahhhhhhhh.  I also see that they love Hellmouth which means they can stick a hot pepper up their asses.  Suck: "Can I go now.  What happened to the boobs?"

Wherehouse- Where.....can I find anything about this act?  God dammit, I'm glad this is almost over.

The Whiskey Charmers- "Straight and Narrow"-  I'm giving this a positive grade just because I found it without having an aneurysm. Actually, they're pretty good too.

White Shag- "Bleed"-  Yeah, like from my ears.  Easy joke, but just kidding, they're fun (only because I wouldn't mind doffing it).  Suck: "You really say that?"  Metro: "How you doin'?"

Yak-  Tried to find content on Youtube....bust.  On FB, I found them but still no content.  But they're touring all over Europe.  More trust fund babies that'll be gone in a year and repackaged as something else.  The only benefit searching for them was finding the "Yak fight in Tibet" videos.  Wait, actually found the video for "Harbour the Feeling" just now.  Yep, trust fund babies (who probably give good head).

Young Punk- "Live at Whateverfest"-  Not my cup a tea.  Suck: "Can I like go now or at least start the car?"

Zac Fortin- "Hotel Yorba"-  Banjo cover artist.  Do you realize what I am doing for you all?  Okay, one more to go.

Zombie Jesus & the Chocolate Sunshine Band- "I Need Some Drugs"-  Flaming Lips-vibe, but unlike the Flaming Lips, they're actually good.  Funny, winking at the camera shit.  At least we end on a good note for the last part of the prevue.  Suck: "Can I please go now?  I really got hosed on this one.  No local boobs.  No Lee Majors/young boy jokes.  Just a badly photoshopped pic of Marcie."

Well that's a wrap.  Your 2017 Hamtramck Music Festival Preview.  Hope you enjoyed it as much as we did and we will see you Saturday March 4th at PLAV #6 for our final show.

Oh and since there is little under a month until the Fest Next week will mark our most ambitious post yet.  HamFest released a 75 song sampler that is available on Bandcamp.  Next week all seven deities of the Jesus Chainsaw Massacre will come together and hold the first ever.......
Hamtramck Music Festival Music Sampler Endurance Test, where we will go though each song on the playlist and any member of JCM has the power to sound the buzzer and stop the song for whatever reason.  The band whose song lasts the longest wins a prize, and the band who lasts the least wins an even better prize.  We will have the link in the post so you can play along as well at home or in the office or the library.  Its like the Gong Show for the Post Empire internet age.  Once again, we are the innovators ten years strong.

Bryan Metro

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

HamFest Prevue Part 6 S-T

Hopefully now that all your fapping is done after Part 5 we can move on to today's Part 6: bands S through T.  Its only two letters because every band in Detroit seems to start with S or T.
My name is....Bryan Metro and I am a Detroit Music Award nominated writer and you cannnnn't teach that.  And this here is The Indian, who plays keyboards for the JCM, and also can teleport to and from the desert and you cannnnnn't teach that.  Bada boom, realist guys in the room.  How you doin'?
The Indian: "I would be bummed that I didn't get the part with the boobs but because I'm on a higher level I'm actually quite chill about it.  And I can always find it Here! "
Metro: "Awwwww nice guilt trip there pally.  Now you made me feel bad. Here..."

The Indian: "Fucking dolphins."

Okay with that settled lets get to the disclaimer:
*Once again, I search one video/song from each act and there is your blurb....  All posts by Metro unless noted

HamFest 2017 Part 6 S-T

Scarlet Lies- "Focks"-  I really am having a hard time coming up with an opinion on this.  Indian? The Indian: "I dissolved a crow today on my way in from the desert."

Shady Groves- "Live at Marble Bar"-  Droney trancy stuff.  The S's are not off to a great start.

Sharky & the Habit- "Arts Beats and Eats"-  Part 6 is going to be a chore to get through.  This wasn't bad, but it didn't knock my socks off.

Siamese- "White Jacket"-  Not bad.  Decent song and video.  Seems like a fun time.  They did do a show with Kaleido, however....and Queen Kwong.  Doff Fest!!!!

Sidewatcher- "Alien Love Affair"-  Another hit for me!!  Great job letter S at picking up the slack for the first few.  Good song, gritty, with a B minus video.

Sisters of Your Sunshine Vapor- "Desert Brain"-  The Indian: "Did somebody say desert??"  Metro: "One of our favorite local bands.  Uncanny ability to write consistently good songs.  Good guys.  And this is not a plug for them finally having JCM play Echo Fest.  We're retiring.

Six and the Sevens- "Find a Way"-  Glad to see these kids finally get a shot at the HamFest!  Actually, a pretty good song, although they could accomplish the same good song by eliminating at least 3 members of the band.

Skyrise- "Life in Color"-  I danced so hard in the living room my leg flew off.  The Indian: "I evaporated today."

Sleepless Inn- "The Ghost"-  You have my attention.  Could be on the soundtrack for "The Guest", my favorite movie of the past 3 years.

Sound of Eleven- "The Road"-  Nothing offensive.  Nothing spectacular.  Moody, oh so moody.

Sros Lords- "Live at Majestic"-  More or less completely unlistenable.  The Indian: "Do you know about my stigmata?"

Steve Greene- Seems like a well-liked guy in the community but man, put up some content.

The Stools- Tried navigating Youtube and Facebook and it was impossible.  Is this the "Italian Ice" song band?  Who cares.  Pass anyway.

The Strains- Okay, another band I couldn't find anything on with a simple Youtube/FB search.  Just cut all these fucking bands out of the Fest and trim the fat.  The Indian: "I never cut my hair."
Wang (Asian bass player):"Comment bomb.  Shouldn't The Strains come before The Stools?"

Super Dre- "Detroitosphere"-  I was hoping this would actually be a speed metal band but instead it sucks.

Sweat- If it takes me more than a minute to find any content on your act, no matter how many local friends like your page, you need to do better or fuck off.

Taller Than They Appear- "Inland Seas"-  I am positive they are wonderful people.  The Indian: "I can zap at will.  Just ask."

Tammi- I didn't even bother to search because I knew I'd find nothing.

Tammy & the Enemies- Jesus Christ, another no-show.  I apologize for a dud of a prevue, but this isn't our fault.  Its your fault.

Tart- "Rabid Dogs"-  Not a very good song but at least I didn't waste my time looking them up.  Plus I can now save my time at HamFest.

Television City- "Next Mistake"-  The rock opera about how HamFest moves to Detroit and Ferndale in 2 years?  Just kidding.  I'm sure they're sweethearts.  The Indian: "You want to go bowling?"

Those Hounds- "At Old Miami"-  Decent local rock.  They will be playing our bill at PLAV #6 on Saturday March 4th (if they don't cancel).  May not stay for our set.

Thunder on Pluto (Gang Immersion)- I'm not Googling that nonsense.  The Indian: "I've seen thunder on Pluto.  Tears in the fucking rain."

Timmy's Organism- "Heartless Heathen"-  Their videos are always guaranteed to stink, but they really are one of the few remaining active bands that scream "Detroit rock".  Always worth a shot and a taco.

Tin Foil- Lots of pictures and self-promotion but no actual content.  No revue for you, kiddos.  The Indian: "I can't actually disappear.  I'm an owl.  Whoo whooo."

Two Cheers- "Too Late"-  Kudos to this act for having a name that would be tough to find on the interweb, but actually has a Youtube channel.  The only downside is that its lazy Jimmy Fallon fodder.

Well that's it for Part 6.  Yeah I know, a little on the disappointing side today, but hey, every band can't doff the top to get ahead in the world.  Tomorrow brings the final installment: letters U through Z.  We will see you then with our guest host Suck, the drummer for JCM.  Happy trails.  The Indian: "Dust".

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

Monday, February 6, 2017

HamFest Prevue Part 5- N-R (Also mildly NSFW)

My name is Bryan Metro and I am a certified DMA award winner and you can't teach that. And today's guest host is Peter the Freshman.....and you can't teach that.  Bada boom, realist guys in the room.  How you doin'?"  Today we resume our Hamtramck Music Festival Preview countdown with letters N through R.  As always, our disclaimer:
*Once again, I search one video/song from each act and there is your blurb....  All posts by Metro unless noted
Peter?  Peter: "Ahhhhhwooooooooo"

HamFest 2017 Part 5- N-R

Nancy Negative- "You Cast A Spell"-  This character has been needling me all last week to do a bang up write-up for HamFest and you can't teach that. Peter: "Aaaaoooooouuuuuuu....you doin'?"  And I really thought it would be hilarious if I accidentally left them off altogether causing a meltdown of epic proportions, but instead, I'll stick with my original blurb.  Didn't find anything on Facebook or Youtube but at the 11th hour Nancy Negative reached out with a prevue of their upcoming single.  It's actually decent.  Love and Rockets for the kids today.  Not sure what their live show holds but I'm sure it won't be a drunken mess.
Nick Schillace- "A King's Head"-  Guy is good at what he does but needs a little more substance (and content).

Nina & the Buffalo Riders- "Sitting Here Waiting"-  Basic song but well performed.  Somebody likes Captain Beefheart.

Odd Hours- "Khaleesi"-  Aka, my nickname in college.  I think I've been to the lake in this video, and almost drowned.  Decent song with a Yeah Yeah Yeah's vibe to it.  Benefits from lack of Tunde.  Whatever happened to the dude who covered himself in tar?

The Old Adage- "Move"-  Decently produced video.  Song didn't do much for me though.

Old Empire- "Decoy"-  Chevy commercial fodder.  Peter: "Whoooooahhhhhhh"

Pancho Villa's Skull- "Live at the Pike Room"-  Fucking great band name; cracking up.  Robert Rodriguez is on line 1 regarding the score for the next Machete movie.

Pewter Cub- "If you Can Hold Your Breath"-  One of -jr's favorite local bands.  Standard Detroit rock.  Peter: "I can hold my breath for a loooooong time."  Metro: "That you Wentworth?"

Piffle- Couldn't find anything on FB or Youtube.  So fuck off Piffle.  Peter: "Eeeeeyahhhhhhhhh"

Pines- "Live at the Pike Room"-  I gave it a shot.  Peter: "Motor City Saint".  Metro: "I think one of my ex's is playing bass for them.  Yes people....that is their blurb!

Poor Bastard- "Sacrificial Lamb"-  All I could find online was "Those Poor Bastards" so that's what I'm going with.  If its the wrong band, I apologize, but it isn't my job to keep these things updated.  I don't have a problem with this song.  Has a Blanche-like vibe.  Approved.  Now it would be hilarious if its the wrong band.  Peter: "Woooooooooooahhhhhh"

The Potions- "Gandy Dancin'"-  Generic Tom Waits rip-off song.  Stupid costume on the chick.  Giving this a pass.  Checked out another song to verify.  Yep Crystal Pepsi Tom Waits.  Pass.

Prude Boys- "The Outlaw"-  Based on the band name they are not on Lee Majors' radar muahahahaha. Solid Detroit rock here.  No problem here.  Peter: "Uuuuuooooohooo"

Quality Cinema- "Screen"-  I lasted 8 seconds and not in a good way.

Queen Kwong-  "The Strange Fruit"-  Well here we go!!
The Craig Brown Band will have to wait in line because here is your winner for band to be shoved down your throats in 2017.
Opening for Electric Six, plus you can't go anywhere on the internet without seeing somebody gushing about them.  The main problem is that their music is so damn boring. In a year and a half they will be repackaged under a different name trying to get over again just like every other relic in the local music scene.  And yes, Wes Borland is gonna be pissed!
*Note....to anybody grabbing their....keyboards to whine about the pics, they were public domain and professionally shot.  If they were leaked or stolen I never would have thought of it.  All publicity is good publicity, and I'm the best at making you famous.  Okay one more for the road.

Metro- mode

Rabbit Ears- "Spider"-  Yeah I know, tough act to follow.  This song here is reverb central.  Peter:"Woooohoooooooahhhh"

Rah the Son- "Coin Flip"-  Another cheaply produced Detroit-centric video.  The song's a pass too.

Rayning- "Bury the Lovers"-  Dull, drone shit.  It's okay if that's what you're into.  Peter: "Want to smoke, man?"

Real Ghosts- "Not Karen"-  Music to walk through a planetarium on a bad date to.  Guitarist was taught by -jr.

Remnose- "GMO Show"-  The fuck kinda name is that?  Broke my spellcheck (kidding; like I use that).  I'm sure they were very nice people until the video slow dissolves started.  Pass.

Remote Viewing Party- "---"-  Took too much effort to find content.  Appears to live out of a van.  Peter: "Wooooohooooo"

Rent Strike- "Untitled Youtube Video"-  I have no idea if this is the band playing HamFest or not.  The Youtube sidebar had "suggested videos" one of which was "Compilation of the worst bands in the world".
K Den

Rogue Satellites- "Don't it Break Your Heart"-  They've been around as long as us and always have a solid show so they get a pass from me.  A good kind of pass, not a Potions kind of pass.  Plus the keyboardist has the best hair in the local music scene (Sorry Tunde).

Rottinghouse- Couldn't find anything within the time limit.  Peter: " Boooooooarrrraughhhhh"

Run From the Future- Couldn't find anything within the time frame.  Do any of these bands booked actually exist????

Ryan Allen & His Extra Arms- "Watch Me Explode"-  Watch me fall asleep.  Chevy commercial pap.  But who could blame him?  He'll be the first to tell you he has 5 kids to feed.

Ryan Dillaha & the Miracle Men- "Getting Good"-  And the award for Most Ironic Song Title goes toooooooo........  Peter: " Ahhhhhwoooohooo"

So that's Part 5 letters N through R.  I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did, and I did enjoy it quite a lot.  Peter?  Peter:"  BlipBlipBlipBlipBlipBlipBlip".  See everybody's in a good place and getting ready for Part 6 tomorrow.  Letters S through T, cuz there's so many.  Tomorrow's guest host is The Indian, the keys guy in JCM.  Should be transcendent.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro


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