"You have done absolutely nothing!"
I wake up from a dream, or maybe a nightmare, to this being yelled at me through the JCM plastic cup intercom system by the overwhelmed assistant Sebastian Owl from the other side of the JCMsTown Compound. In the dream I was having, Elizabeth Third, who is the pixie E-Girl cashier from the grocery store that is in love with me, was repeating/crying, "Make up something. Make up something. Make...up...some...thing," but that is for a future post.
"What are you babbling about?" I ask Owl.
"Election Day is Tuesday and you have done nothing in regards to your campaign for sheriff of Wayne County," Owl is frantic.
"Actually, I could be elected sheriff of Wayne, Oakland, Macomb counties, maybe more. I am untrackable. I just roam," I reply.
"Are you going to do anything about it?"
"I am going to need a multi-tier platform and I'm going to need some flyers. I'll get started in an hour," I warn, and then cut the string attached to the plastic cup so I won't be bothered anymore.
The Metro for Sheriff campaign was initially conceived by Elizabeth First, the tambourine player, not to be confused with Elizabeth Third from the dream. That's the next post, the post-Halloween post. First had written my name in as her choice for sheriff during the primaries and it was very touching but then I realized that I really might be able to make a difference. So I decided to run for sheriff after all and now I have a day to make it happen.
I call Kentucky Pete, who is my primary bootlegging Wizard and Wise Man, and have him come up with a flyer design that I plan on distributing at the post office and grocery store which are basically the only places I go to these days.
"Meet me at the Walgreens," K Pete says, ominously.
"Cool, I'll need about thirty. Does that sound right?" I ask.
"I'm doing this as a favor, but it comes with a cost," he replies ominously.
I don't know what he means so I click off and head over to Walgreens where K Pete is waiting. We head in and K Pete disappears while I head to the photo area to grab the flyers.
"What's the name?" the ribbonhead working the counter asks.
"Metro. Bryan," I reply.
"Sorry, nothing under that name."
"Kentucky Pete?" I reply, a question.
"No, nothing," he replies as I start to panic that we might be at the wrong Walgreens. K Pete is banned from multiple locations. And on that note K Pete arrives at the counter with a basket full of snacks, beer, vitamins, and a knee brace.
"I have a pick up," he tells the clerk, "The name is under Uncle Jasper."
Uncle Jasper is an alias that Kentucky Pete, which actually is another alias, uses when he is in the Garden City area. He even has a custom mask for when he gets into the dark territory of the mind. He wore it when we scammed our way into Theater Bizarre and spent the entire night muttering "Uncle Jasper" when he wasn't fumbling for the Fireball.
"Uncle Jasper. Yep, got it right here," the dweeb says and hands us the package of Metro For Sheriff Flyers.
"Metro, go ahead and take the flyers. I'll meet you at the car. It's on me. Plus, I have all this stuff to buy and you need to work on your campaign promises. Plus, you have a bad knee. That's why we need this knee brace here," K Pete says and I have no idea where he is going with this, so I take the flyers and head to the car. Less than 40 seconds later K Pete rushes into the car, still with the basket.
"Let's go! Get out of here now," he shouts.
"What is the deal man?"
"The deal is good. I told him that you walked out with the flyers without paying and when they were distracted I walked out with this basket. I boosted all of this stuff," he explains and this is when I notice that he had changed into the Uncle Jasper mask.
"You don't even need half the shit you have in that basket," I yell, "Vitamins? You don't take vitamins. I don't take vitamins. What's with the fucking vitamins man?"
"Yeahhhh, I thought about that, but the shelves were stocked. We'll just take them to the CVS a mile over. They know me there. We'll return them for store credit. Campaign funds, my friend. Or should I say, Future Sheriff."
He had a point. Once we got to a Kroger in possibly one of the worst parts of town I open the flyer package and am floored that K Pete neglected to include my full name.
"Dude, how are people going to know who to write in? Who is 'B. Metro'? What is that? Is it Barry? Bobby? It could be Bianca, a female! We can't have a female sheriff!"
"Ooops, don't worry, it's in the bag. You got this," his solitary reply.
After returning around $50 in stolen vitamins for store credit we use the credit to buy even more beer and Fireball and canvas the store to try to make use of all these "Metro For Sheriff" flyers I am losing interest in.
I drop K Pete off (He doesn't say goodbye) and head over to JCM HQ, the bikini bar to work on my campaign platform. And This......Is......It.....
Metro For Sheriff Campaign Platform
1. A Firing Squad. In order to establish at least some semblance of peace we are going to have to resurrect the Firing Squad. We will need six good shots. No worries, there will be a full background check. We don't need any psychotic Patriots with automatic rifles. We also don't need any green-haired poofs showing up to Firing Squad with squirt guns as some kind of ironic statement. The Firing Squad will need a cool name. The Too Much Fun Club is already taken (and probably inappropriate). Possibly, it could be the Honor Roll. Kentucky Pete suggested "The Majestic Six" which also works. Anyway, Firing Squad.
2. As Sheriff, there will be an immediate investigation into where the surplus funds from the Hamtramck Music Fest (and other local music fests) are actually going to. For far too long we have never had a concrete answer where the money is going and as Sheriff I pledge to make that change. Too many of the people involved are also involved in bankruptcy protection so I think the time is NOW for the details to emerge. As Sheriff, I will make things emerge.
3.a- All local non-prescribed drug sales are to be run and Regulated through the Sheriff's office in coordination with press secretary and Minister of Dope Elizabeth First. If there is any cheapjack Fentanyl detected: Immediate Firing Squad.
3.b- All Jack White drug mules must check in with the Sheriff's office/Minister of Dope.
4. We will enforce an aggressive effort to ensure all GoFundMe's/crowdsourcing projects have complete accountability and proof of where the money went.
5. An executive order to make "What Dat Mouf Do" a monthly event. The Minister of Dope along with Sheriff Metro will be on site to make sure we get a fair cut in the crack sales.
6. A pledge to clean up the real estate fraud in Detroit, specifically Hamtramck, and also look into that Greatest Wrestling Collection goofball Steven Morand who has been fleecing people for years to buy cheap figures.
7.a- Any permutation of "Dude or Muggs" can only play at Cadieux Cafe once a year.
7.b- Any double bill of The Hourlies and Vellows can only play once a year. This can be extended if the Sheriff or Minister of Dope can play tambourine.
8. An inquiry as to why the W.A.B. has been closed in a thriving locale in a post pandemic period. A secondary inquiry will be implemented if they reopen under the nefarious "new management" moniker and still emply next to zero people of color. This investigation will be headed by the Minister of Equality, -jr.
9. YouScan Regulation. Any foreigner playing dumb at a YouScan like they haven't been there before, trying to pass off copied coupons, holding up the line at closing time knowing that the clerk will let them get by for free must provide a recent pay stub, tax return, or proof of employment. If any of the above exceeds the Sheriff. Firing Squad.
10. No more kids helping at the bottle return. One thing the Sheriff hates is walking in to the bottle return with five cans of empty lowjack beer only to see some sweathog with a garbage bag of returns and letting their waterhead kid put them in like it was some type of great life lesson. Enough. Stop. You've all been there. As Sheriff, I promise, no more. Honor Roll.
11. Make an effort to look into racial profiling. What are the Pro's? What are the Con's?
So that's it in regards to my Metro for Sheriff campaign. I hope I provided enough knowledge so that you can make the right choice this Tuesday.
From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro For Sheriff
-jr For Minister of Equality
E First For Minister of Dope
Sebastian Owl For Misister of Cleaning Up the Mess
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