*Disclaimer- Its been a while so I feel the need to remind everyone of the Official Lavender Blog Policy: This is a satire site, sometimes mean, sometimes nice. If the President can joke about running over reporters then I can make fun of somebody's comb over as long as I say "I'm just kidding ho ho ho". Isn't that the standard that's been set? Anyway, if any of this offends you on a personal level let me know preferably via e-mail or messenger (bryanmetro1@). God knows you don't want to come across as a humorless balloonhead, albeit one with a valid gripe, to the savages out there. So if you don't like something get with me and I will have the staff "vet" your concern and if deemed coherent I will remove anything and issue an apology. Okay, enough of the fine print...
From the National Affairs Desk May 2021-
"A sense of humor is the main measure of sanity."
The sun is blinding as I wake up on a random midweek afternoon and I feel like a beautiful butterfly emerging from his/her/its cocoon but not really. Stumble out of bed. Bored. Power up the Mojo Wire. Bored. Light up the National Affairs Suite. Bored. Turn on the Sports Desk. Bored. Every. Fucking. Day. Bored. Bored. Bored. That's it. Every day. This is not the way a highly respected, award winning, writer should have to live. I was once a part of something special, something that mattered, made a difference for good or bad, mostly bad. Yes, The Too Much Fun Club. Membership was exclusive, but fair; the kind of people you want to call at four in the morning when you are NOT in the throes of a three day bender and want to get that monster rolling. At its height there were around 8 to 15 members, all true professionals. These days I feel like I am the only survivor, and even then it is dangerously close to becoming the No More Fun Club, and everyone knows what happens then.
In the past I would devote the first hour or so of each afternoon shaking off the hangover that really wasn't a hangover but something just as sinister. These days, I spend that first hour checking the returns from last night's Sports Desk wagers and trying to answer that question, "Why bother?" Is the situation that much of an improvement? I honestly can't say. Okay, I can. It really isn't that much different/better although the main benefit is some people aren't worrying about me every day (as much). Now don't get on my case about positivity, second chances, and the dreaded "bright side". I'm the one in the trenches. Its my question and that's my answer. If you were to ask me near the beginning of 2020, before it became physically challenging every afternoon, before the shadow fell, but during great creative outbursts, with friends, with fun if I could be the healthiest physically in over the decade but would have to pay the fee of seeing what an absolute shit show the world (and society) would become through the filter of sobriety I would not have been able to give you an answer. I would have to ask my Pops. So here we are. Another afternoon. Bored.
A cruel beeping sound shoots out of the Mojo Wire, a very foreign occurrence these days. This weird, braying, wail knocks me out of that unfortunate introspective bummer of a tangent up there and I wander over to see a missive from Founding Father -jr. Attached is a photo, along with a disclaimer, "Get your dancin' shoes Crazy Legs". I had a flashback to earlier this year when he sent a similar message requesting to go to Wrestlemania in Florida that almost happened but we sold the tickets and went to find the darkness in Post Covid America. But that is a future post, and yes it will be up by summer. However, this message today was just an attachment of this year's Lollapalooza lineup. On the surface it was nothing of note, probably just another boring day over at Big Mike's Big Tit Juke Joint. But it fired up something in me, a long lost feeling of anarchy and danger. The next (first?) step was to ask myself "How can I make this about the local music scene?" It was on life support years before Covid, but I think there is still "something" there. I think people want it to be back, even if all the acts are rubbish. I have been getting a thrill seeing events start popping up at all the old haunts. My next question was "Can this type of post, on this type of blog, work today, this age of egg shells?" Thankfully, I don't have the time or energy to get into such pointless queries Today. I'm just curious to see what happens, what the reaction will be, will the process be easy.... Lets rock.
One of my biggest problems when it comes to my writing is getting to the point. I have no problem wrapping up my point. Usually when I am in the midst of a writing spurt, really locked in like a prize fighter, I have no problem wrapping it up. I almost will it to be over. Hell, I just spent the last two pages ranting about how productive it would be to just croak myself. This was not a problem with the Lollapalooza lineup. It awoke something awful in me. Not the event itself. As you can see from the flyer, it is complete rubbish. Only a true professional linthead would find anything of value in that awful scene. And this is coming from someone who would have no problem catching any number of potentially fatal diseases from Hannah Montana. My first instinct was to break out the old trope of covering each act by listening to about 30 seconds of a song/video and giving a "hot take" stream of consciousness rap about it. Its worked in the past with Blowout, HamFest, DIY, etc. but it would fall on its face here in this setting. The local acts that make up most of my readers don't care about any of this because they're not on the bill, and the acts that are on it don't care about any of this because they're not real people.
My next idea would be to try to guess the Pronoun of each act just based on their name. Noga Erez I'm looking at you. I could then turn it into a commentary of how lame society is that we are more concerned with not offending some squid with a serious glandular problem than a four year old being snatched from their bedroom by some oatmealhead with an ankle bracelet. So playing "Guess the Pronoun" would be amusing for around five minutes but would get about as boring as watching a TikTok vid of a boohoo with a lisp yelling, "I have feelings. I am a person," at a bewildered staff at a Chick-Fil-A, a staff that has seen this play before.
So the only logical thing to do would be to curate my own Festival. Jesus man, how have I not proposed this before? Maybe I have. Who can remember? So that is what I did, with some help from a few ghosts from the past, and give to you: JCM Fest 2021. Yes the name is very plain but that can always change after I acquire some sponsors and start booking acts. I have yet to actually reach out to any of the acts/people I mention below but am confident they will hop on board because, well, they're not really doing anything with their lives right now either. Now I must say that the musical acts are a little light. Well, that's because nobody really goes (or went) to local shows for the music. They went for cool drink, social interaction, possibly hooking up, a life full of regrets. And that's just Marcie B! What about you? What about me? No. What about you? Ahhh yes, ho ho ho, there you are again. My audience. When the you's merge into me. You fuckers are quite the narcissistic lot. I knew you'd come back. So lets see if you made the cut. Will the invite be in the mail? And if you feel left out feel free to comment, e-mail, or message. There's room for you all. Even with a bill stuffed to the brim with Tunde and Sadie jokes all loaded into the torpedo tube. Sebastian Owl! Man the Sports Desk. Move the Mojo Wire to the patio. And get me a (non alcoholic) drink. I'll be outside writing with Ivanka again.
The Lineup!
Headliners- The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre- Would you expect anyone else? Yeah, I know we retired as a live act in late 2019 but strange days need strange acts.
I would have to book at least two other acts for the musical portion of the Fest; one that actually draws and one to actually go on last (and preferably draws). If you are in the local music business you always want to go on 2nd to last, sandwiched in between the act that semi-draws and the act with a very local grass roots following that really draws. By using this method the audience is fully locked in and committed to your band. In all reality, those at the event HAVE to deal with you. When performing at local shows this is the only way to operate and anyone who tells you otherwise is a complete oatmealhead who thinks that Pewter Cub is a sex act involving the anus and conception. I'm going off on one of those tangents again. Maybe I can get the White Stripes to be one of the bookends for JCM Fest 2021 because their Greatest Hits album "Lets Test the Comeback Waters" bombed, as did J.W. III's last solo record which I'm still using as a coaster. Well that should do it for the music portion of our Fest. We were going to hire JSB to book this fucker but then we'd end up with 100 bands nobody cares about half of them featuring JSB. So basically the Hamtramck Music Festival. Who cares right? The fun part of these things are the extras; the side stages, booths, the "other" stuff. That's where the fire is at, and anyone who has spent the past 12 years in the belly of the local scene like myself knows there is a lot of fat around town to go in that fire which leads us to
JCM Fest Side Stage and Pavilion "Fat City"!
-Live Mural/Coloring Book Session With Sheefy McFly: Free to observe with active social media account. Paintings $100 ($20 a week later on ebay).
-"Real Financing" with Gino T. and Jason Von Bondie: Come get your home of the future in a well to do area of southeastern Michigan with a good neighborhood, lovely school system, and clean grocery stores. Perfect for the budding nuclear family (those are still legal right?), a professional on the rise in society, or the head of the local #BLM Chapter. Extra 30% off all fees if you attend dressed like a member of Fleetwood Mac, the Eagles, or the Sneaker Pimps.
-JCM Asian Bass Player Wang Yellowbone's Anti Asian Violence Information Stand: Get all the latest info on the recent rash of Asian violence before it goes out of style in the mainstream media from the JCM's very own 4 stringed savant. Includes important phone numbers, social media links, areas to avoid (LJ's Lounge), and areas to flourish (any place promoted at the "Real Financing" booth).
-The Jeff Fournier "Meat Shack" Dunk Tank/Slash/ Water Park: This will be a two for one set up. Have one of your five little savages croak Jeff and any number of our special guests (Woodman, Dapper Dan John Miller, etc.) into the dunk tank creating "The Big Splash" and send the rest to play in the filthy puddles at the Comerica Park parking lot or whatever venue lets us set up. Free for the kiddos. [REDACTED] must show ID and sign waivers).
-Cucking, whoops, Cooking With Lisa James: Free for single males and couples. Ah fuck it. Just free.
-Stand Up Comedy With Roddy Hogan: Free with a donation box set up for "Mr. Ice Cream Man" the movie.
-Entomology Breakout Session With Marcie B.: Admission is free with a six pack or 10 Ativan. So, free for Metro.
-"Delightful Dalliances" Creative Writing With Jeff Milo: Free. Spots still open. A copious cavalcade of slots still open.
-50/50 Raffle With Anastasia/Jack Flash: Grand prize... (checking notes)....Grand prize-Your ticket stub.
-Foamy Sunday Tunde Olaniran Dance Class/Slash/ Physical Therapy Studio: This is a duel pop up where you can learn the same six basic dance moves you forgot from high school theater and then immediately hop, literally hop, on over to sign up for five weeks of physical therapy because you threw your fucking back out spinning 180 degrees. Admission: Bag of Cheetos.
-Electric Six Cash Grab Crowd Funding Workshop: Admission- $50 for session only. $100 for session and video of session to view while in physical therapy. $500 for the opportunity to actually host the session.
-Black Lives Matter/Racial Inequality/Critical Theory Class: Taught by [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [RE....Jesus this entire section, just [REDACTED].
-"How To Be A Better Grifter Towards Suckers With (or without) Money" Class: Taught by the [REDACTED] crew....and Electric Six.
- Randy "Deastro" Chabot's Vocational Training/Whining Stand: Taught by failed Detroit Music Nominee Randy "Deastro" Chabot who never recovered locally after losing to JCM in the Best Electronic/Dance Category at the 2009 Detroit Music Awards. The stand will focus on the Electrical Field Vocation where there really isn't any money and will be situated close to the JCM Dunk Tank/Water Park. Hardhats not provided.
-Pumpkin Fucking, Social Justice, and the Detroit Tigers Lecture: Taught by Woodman.
-Safe Sex In The #metoo Era Seminar: Taught by Matthew D. No age requirements.
-Hunka Chunka E Girl Zoom Party Featuring Sarah Darling: Spots are limited. Most have been reserved by Metro.
-Tax Classes With the Hamtramck Music Festival Committee: $50 fee that can be written of as a non profit expense. Just kidding! All you need is a box of crayons which will later disappear before they get to a local high school and show up at the Sheefy mural tent.
-Ryan Allen Vinyl Single Release "FEATHERS!"/Slash/ Skeet Shooting Tutorial: Free with record, any record. Directions to Third Man on Cass will be provided. Hourly field trips with the [REDACTED] booth and shuttle available for snatch and grabs/pop up protests.
-The Brisbois Party Boat Beach Bash on Lake St. Clair: $500 for dudes. $25 for dudes with coke. Free for hardbodies with great tits. $5 for women with broken dreams.
-STD Rapid Testing Tent: On site near the beach and boat dock. $500 for dudes. $25....oh you get it.
-"Stretchin' With Gretchen" Pilates and Yoga Class: Free if you have your own plane, are a Michigan AG, or say that you're "with the Biden camp". $10, 000 for Charlie LeDuff.
-Brett Callwood's Journalism Course: "No Unhealthy Obsession Left Behind". Free to anyone who can't get Trump off their mind. $25 if you have integrity or previous journalism experience.
-Bryan Metro's Journalism Course: "How All the So Called Punks Got Old and Became Part of the Machine Without Realizing It". Intro by Johnny Ramone hologram.
- White Fragility Seminar With Greg Aubry.
-Queen Kwong's Cheesecake Calendar Photo Shoot: Professional photographers on site. Nudity a Must. 18+ only. We have to say that. Our last door guy didn't check ID's and some applicants went missing for a week later to be found in Otis' "Kennel". Free to those willing to be judged. Hoe Army need not apply. No pics, just check the archives or buy the Gold Pass.
-Daggering With TJ: "Oh my god, he's broken in half!"
-The Hip In Detroit Food Truck Caravan: Now THAT'S a caravan. Its twice the fucking size of the last caravan!
-The 800 Beloved "Play Something Fun" Memorial Open Mic: Do up that receding hairline and get dancin'!
-Crafting Custom Shoe Lifts With Scottie Stone.
-Sisters of Your Sunshine Vapor LP Release "Keeping Hope Alive". A nice parlay with Ryan Allen's Skeet Shooting Workshop.
-CJohnst's Gas Hoarding Co-Op.
-Kentucky Pete's Piss Filled Water Balloon Fight: We promise to keep it far away from the nudie photo shoots. $5 extra to have your balloons filled with stout.
-Immigration Reform Obstacle Course: Sponsored by the Hoe Army. Sunday Only.
-Immigration Reform Obstacle Course Construction: Sponsored by El Club. Saturday. Volunteers welcome!
-"How To Disappear From the Face of the Planet" Class: Taught by E First. Likely a no show. In the event this activity is cancelled the space will be used for the job fair.
-"How To Open and Close a Venue in 100 Days or Less" Class: Taught by Anthony Morrow remotely from Mexico (or from the Brisbois boat).
-Tease Tait, Boynick, and Metro With a 40 On A Fishing Pole Game.
-George Morris and His Gypsy Sleep Tent: Sometimes the heat and Too Much Fun can get to the average concertgoer and they need to nap for a bit. So we have set up an area, a safe space if you prefer, where you can catch all the Z's you need to prepare for the rest of the Fest. As an added bonus we will have George Morris play a small set every 45 minutes so you can better time manage your day. No charge. Actually, I think he would be paying you. Let me check.
-George Floyd Memorial Tribute Booth: No we don't know where the money is going. Please don't badger the volunteers.
-Derek Chauvin Defense Fund Booth: No we don't know where the money is going. Please don't badger or mace the volunteer (if we can find any).
*Note: Both the Floyd and Chauvin booths will obviously be set up next to each other and a 24 hour webcam will be streaming the entire weekend for a nominal fee. At 7pm each night of the Fest JCM Color Guard Member Desira will blast all the fuckers in the general area with a high powered fire hose on loan from the Detroit Fire and Rescue guys downtown.*
-Jimmy Doom Fruit and Vegetable Stand: All types of perishables will be available and for an extra fee you can throw them fast ball at failed actor, comedian, bartender James. His book will also be available (we have a LOT) and make wonderful gifts, or projectiles.
-Big Mike's Big Blindfold Human Petting Zoo: We have yet to finalize the pavilion design and cannot guarantee this will be away from the Queen Kwong photo shoot or Darling Imperial Cosplay Zoom Session.
-"How To Burn Time and Money" with Natasha and Kevin from Gold House Media: Free, but we stress you get what you pay for..
-Metro's Sensitivity Training: $5 admission. Free for Doffs. $500 for "Passes". Free if you grab me a 40 from the Fishing Pole game. Medicine is also appreciated.
-Juggalo Championshit Wrestling: I think this would be required. Isn't it required at most of these things? We can have Roddy Hogan do the ring announcing if we catch him before the sunstroke.
-The Beggars Beer Tent: Obvious joke is obvious. There will be no beer by the time you get there. Any time. All beer. Thanks a LOT Pookie.
Well, that's all we have for now! I told you once I get rolling I wrap these up quick. I'm sure Google Search will be used for some of these, especially for newer readers or readers reading this when I post the link on a New York Times, USA Today, etc article on the latest riot, bombing, or protest. That's part of the fun! The dates and times of this inaugural Fest will be posted never, and we can't wait to see you there! Or in hell. Whichever comes first. Selah!
From the Iceman Commeth,
Dr. Bryan Metro
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