When We Swarm You Come Undone- 2023 Recap + 2024 Preview

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Hey all Metro here, and yes I am still alive. There was a silly rumor that I had passed that was floating around, but I am still here, just as racist, misogynistic, and cruel as can be (sarcasm). Because we all know that's not exactly true. But sometimes we like to tread the tightrope. Okay, here we go with our recap of 2023 and preview of 2024. As I always do, I'm going to flip the switch and do the preview before the recap because let's be honest, 2023 kind of was pretty boring. No local bands stepped up. Nobody broke out. The same bands played the same (dwindling) Fests and it really was a bummer.. Some acts put out new material and some of it was good, and some of it was boring. Jett Plastic Records unfriended me because I made fun of their Fest (ummmm where have you been the past 10 years?). So, yeah, 2023 was a total local scene bore. Nobody moved the needle, nobody made any waves. It was just bands playing for other bands booked on the same show. The scene is as dead as I've seen it in my 17 (dear lord, get a life) years covering it. And you are all to blame. So that is why we are starting off with the 2024 preview.

2024 Preview

Scary as it seems, but there's really not much to look forward to locally in 2024. Metro Times Blowout is dead. Hamtramck Music Fest died a quiet death as the tax evaders scurried to just get away from it all. DIY Fest is three years into being Arts Beats and Eats' little brother. Fuzz Fest has been a dud the past few years, still trying to keep it alive with the tried and true Detroit "Clique" mentality, with the only problem is utilizing bands that are just boring. Same thing with the Punk Rock BBQ thing. Same acts. Same, same, same, same. Boring. Nowwwwww that is where we come into play. The JCM has just released the first single off of our new (maybe last) album, which is still untitled, although I will be pushing for "Holy Shit!" I am very excited to release this song to you here (while allowing us back into the DMA's even though we have been banned). The song is titled "Hornets" and I can say without a trace of smark or irony, one of the top 3 songs we have ever done. And it is also our most accessible song. The vocals and music are by -jr and the spirit animal themes are via Bryan Metro. I will promise you this, you can put out 100 songs in 2024 locally and none will touch this. Quality over quantity. The gauntlet has been laid down. All the other local acts blew their wad in the dead zone of 2022/23. The gauntlet has been laid down. And now I give you "Hornets".

JCM-Hornets

See, I told you. A great song. From us!!!! And of course, the next album we'll be working on throughout the year. And this is the thing that will piss so many people off is that we record 1 song a year, play one show a year, and yet we have more word of mouth, buzz, promotion, and yes, hate, than any other band out there. And we don't have to pay some shylock $500-1,000 to make a record. We don't need a local record presser to press our records (Oh hai Jett and record store kid, the Tony Khan of local....uhhhh record stores). We wake up, we conspire, we create the most buzz in town, and we have been doing it since 2007. The best part is.....we don't have to, and we don't even try. I think that really is the reason many local acts don't care for us. It's not the shit talking, goofball takes, etc. It is because we are more well known than you working every day on your "craft". Hell, I'd be pissed too. So let's get to the 2023 Year in Revue.

2023 Year In Review

This segment should be pretty short because, for the most part, 2023 was pretty damn unmemorable. I don't really care for seeing any local bands who have been playing the same show for year. I don't have any interest in movies that put agenda over quality story. I don't have any interest. That is why I put the (mildly narcissistic) 2024 Preview first. There are some flakes, I mean people out there that are convinced they are going to "save the local scene" (Oh Hai Nancy Negative), but let's be real. It's just another stereotype of the local music scene, just another nobody who thinks they are going to change everything but faceplants at every opportunity. Nope. If the most publicity you get is a few mentions on this site you aren't doing shit. But it does provide a good lesson to everyone out there in the trenches: Do better, try harder, and stop making excuses. Chris Oliver and Vellows are a great example. Chris was snubbed by the clique of music for years and he kept at it and is making a name for himself currently releasing way too much content, but is catching on. Good for him. Deserves it, although I wish he would stop whining about his foot. Okay, rant over.

   I will try to make this brief. So, me and my trustworthy, loyal assistant Sebastian Owl compiled our Best/Favorites of 2023. I've done better (nickname in college), but I figured Why Not? Let's roll. Caveat: Keep in mind that "Best" and "Favorite" are two separate things. Some say Kubrick's Barry Lyndon is his best movie, but is it my favorite? Nahhh, just need to see it once. You get it? Got it?

Best Music Experience-

Metro: Obviously it would be the summer edition of the Corktown Music Fest where a stripped down version of JCM, along with new backup tambourine player Darlene Schaffer (E First has disappeared) helped to raise over $2000 for the Girls Rock charity.

Sometimes it helps when you promote an event by means other than a lazy Facebook event post. We do one show a year, if you're lucky, never ever practice, and yet still get more heat than your band. I was so happy with the results I even broke out the iconic cross-legged rant pose.

Sebastian Owl: "Queens of the Stone Age/Freedom Hill and Pretenders/The Shelter. Queens are the best working rock band working today and the Pretenders are legends. Bonus is that I didn't have to grovel online begging people for tickets."

Favorite Movie-

Metro: "Thanksgiving". Of course it's not the best, but I had such a blast seeing it in an actual theater with Asian bass player Wang Yellowbone and Owl. Sometimes the intangibles make all the difference. It was over the top, had some gruesome kills, but sadly no doffed tops.

S. Owl: "I'm going with a tie between Barbie and Saltburn."

Wang: "Thanksgiving was fun. Oppenheimer was pretty good as well. Want to give some love to "Talk To Me" as well, a rare non sequel, original horror film. Fuck the Exorcist. That director has ruined two iconic horror franchises. He's like the Eugene Strobe Comb-over of the film industry"

Favorite Album-

Metro: Queens of the Stone Age "In Times New Roman". My favorite album of 2023, and one of the few you could listen to without skipping a single track. Honorable Mentions go to Sisters of We Only Support Events That We Are Booked On Vapor's "Nocturnal Train to Mars" along with The Beggars "Stinks Like Rock and Roll" which managed to survive a horrible title and even worse album cover to be a fun record.

S. Owl: I got nothing. Maybe the Barbie soundtrack?

Metro: You're fired.

Favorite TV-

Metro: I don't watch tv. Sunday Night Football flex games of I had to pick, even though I'm probably losing money on it.

S. Owl: "The Bear or Poker Face."

Metro: I didn't care for The Bear. Too much cursing as a substitution for quality writing. After 15 years in the hospitality industry I could write a better script. I've never sampled Poker Face, but Natasha Lyonne could have been a good friend of mine in 1999.

Best Book-

Metro: "Make Up Something" by Bryan Metro

S. Owl: "Make Up Something" by Bryan Metro

Darlene Schaffer: "Make Up Something" by Bryan Metro

Of course it's "Make Up Something", my second book, easily the best local book of 2023. As expected it received next to zero local support because it wasn't an uplifting story about somebody that had a medical issue and wrote a cookie cutter book about all that, something I could have written in my sleep. Nahhhh, instead, I enlisted over 11 local artists who contributed short stories, poems, even song fragments and tossed in a few of my home cookings, and framed it around a murder mystery. I'll include the link below in case any of you local cheapjacks want to support actual interesting content. We know the answer, and I say, eat shot.

Here is the link to grab the book:  Make Up Something

This is it

All good things/posts must come to an end, so we segue to-

Best Funeral-

S. Owl: "I would say Shane McGowan. It was the perfect Irish funeral. It was death and joy, and really a celebration of life what a funeral would and be. Traditional Catholic, yet we had people dancing over the pews. Plus, c'mon, Nick Cave, and even that clout chaser Bono. Just perfect."

Metro: Hamtramck Music Festival. Went out with a......whimper. Very disappointing. The head honchos all split town, along with most of the profits. No bands got paid. In 2023, there was no spring edition. There was no summer edition. They just left like rats. Today's Lesson: Don't poke the Big Dog.

So, yeah, that's it for the 2024 Preview and 2023 Recap. Yeah, it could have been better, and you could say it as well because I'm bored. I just wanted to get some content out to you, Constant Readers. Stay tuned for my preview of the spring Corktown Music Fest which I am actually looking forward to because I don't know a single act that is playing it. Sorry, but due to logistics, JCM can't play this one, but that's not exactly a bad thing because one can only preview the same acts for so many times. The time is ripe, perfect, for someone to step up and grab the brass ring. Will it be your band (spoiler alert-probably nahhhh). But if you are out there in the local scene in 2024 and practice and grind your craft, or don't practice at all (it has been done), the door swings both ways. Get that ring. Make the scene interesting again. Or you could buckle under the pressure and effort needed (Nancy Negative, "Ohhhhh god. Ohhhh dear, everyone is out to kill me!!!!!"), and then make up a story about spilling water on a guitar. Spare me. It's 2024. I'm back, still alive, and we are ready to swarm.

(The photo is satire. The shirts were made by E First and meant to make fun of all the poor takes on us. Keep in mind we raised money for women's health and also ran that sexual predator M. Dallas out of town. Tell me when I'm lying.)

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro