Halloween With JCM- A Real Spook Show

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Well, it is officially Fall, my favorite season, and Halloween, my favorite holiday. Unfortunately, I don't have much content for this post because I don't really have much content. But no fault of mine. I have noticed that as I get older and older holidays don't have the same "punch" anymore; Halloween, 4th of July, especially birthdays, and even Christmas. I really wanted to do a local Halloween preview, but there was just not enough to sink my teeth into. Well, almost.

   Yeah, there is still that Creepy Cheapy cover band cash grab at the Crofoot, but I looked at the lineup, and good lord... Usually the bands just suck, but this year the bands that suck (most aren't even real bands, just friends of the booker/venue, world's worst kept secret), but this year the acts they covered suck. Every act seemed to be a early 2000's pop-punk band. Ryan Allen must be creaming himself right now. I honestly don't even know if it has happened already as of this writing because there has been no press or in person accounts that I could find. Zero people covered it, which is expected these days.

   Then there is, sorry, was the cash grab that is, sorry was, Theater Bizarre which was cancelled this year. For those out of the loop, Theater Bizarre is an overpriced Halloween experience populated by theater geeks who went to NY or LA for two weeks, bombed, and are now doing silly tricks with fire. Anyway, it was cancelled this year, and a few sources covered it, and a boat-ton of people complained about it. Who knows what really went down, but the official word is that it was because of a double booking. C'mon, who really believes that? Aside from being completely overpriced, they do have a history of wearing out their welcome at venues. I've also heard tax stuff, but we won't go there as that is just some stuff that was told to me and not confirmed, and I'm not getting paid to look into it. Howevvvverrrrr, where's there smoke... Two venues (State Fair and Masonic) have had issues with the organizers of Theater Bizarre. Maybe next year there will be a third because we know they are toast for now. And, of course, there is always the age old question: Where is the money going? Yes, I realize that staging such an event, though overpriced, still costs money. After they were booted from the State Fair I spoke to a few performers and people who worked the show for an article I was too bored to post. Everyone I talked to said they worked for free or volunteered. Sooooo, where is the money going? Typical.

Zoom, flash, jump cut to 2023 and the remnants of Theater Bizarre are at it again. They had a bus tour of something something haunted something this past weekend. For a very fair/foul $65 you can hop on a shuttle, sorry, bus to go to three locations That They Won't Even Say. I purposely waited until Devil's Night to post this because I didn't want to give any of these con artists any free publicity from the most read local blog in Detroit, and also so I could get feedback on what locations they went to. As expected, crickets. I think it would have been hilarious if one of the locations was an alley on Cass. "Years ago, a shadowy figure was sighted here. To this day, some still see him." Actually, I did my job for once, and found a link about the bus cash grab thing.

Money Money Money

It looks like you were paying $65 to ride on a bus with a bunch of "hard passes" to three "surprise" locations: The Congregation Coffee Shop (emphasis on "Con"), The Apartment Disco, and the Lexus Velodrome. Once again, $65..... I have been in and around Detroit for 40 years and been hooked on haunted attractions for over 20 years and I have never heard of any of this. Were they just shipping people to people's houses? Okay, I did my job again and looked them up. Zero history of any haunted activity. Just a bunch of failed theater geeks doing the same shit they'd been doing for years at Theater Bizarre, one big masturbatory excuse for the Theater Bizarre rejects to make a buck. Oh, fuck right off.

As for myself, I wisely opted out of the bus scam and went to a nearby bar, "The World's Headquarters" for their Halloween party. The following happened and all of it is true...

   I decided to go as my go-to costume of Hunter Thompson, which is basically me every day anyways. World HQ was packed, but I was disappointed that there were so few costumes. I honestly was surprised that there were no Barbie or Ken's. I never participate in costume contests because I am the observer and don't like to be seen, so I kept a low profile at the bar. As the costume contest drew closer, and all of the costumes were lame, I briefly considered entering, but decided not to when the bartender, a "Probably", said that the tab was on her because Fear and Loathing was her favorite movie. I had already won the night and ordered a pint.

Since both tambourine players are now off the grid and loyal assistant Sebastian Owl didn't want to go and Wang was drunk on college football and -jr is still in Illinois, I was riding solo, so I decided to make friends. The girl next to me had Pennywise makeup on along with a clown suit, but the costume was form fitting enough for me to tell she was a hardbody. I introduced myself as Bryan, and she as Virginia, "like the state".

   "I get it," I replied and could tell she was already drunk. My main concern was that she was alone which made no sense because good looking girls don't go to bars alone unless they are a prostitute, or actually a dude. I did another once-over and concluded, "Yeah not a dude."

   It was at this point some dude in a cheap store bought pimp suit sits to my left, also drunk. He introduced himself as Gary and I erupted into a laughing fit. He was confused. I explained that it was an inside joke and that I covered the local music scene. He was still confused. I then asked if he knew Virginia, who was on the right of me. He said no and I muttered, "Keep it that way."

   The music changed and "Monster Mash" started playing and Virginia was dancing dangerously close to me, but I was okay with it. At this point, two old crones came in, both over 70, both professionally dressed, one with an elaborate peacock shoulder harness, and the other with a silver suit and electric candle. The bar started clapping and I got pissed. I was not the only one.

   "Look at that noise," I say, turning to Virginia, "They are professionals. They probably hit up every low key costume contest just to collect the money and leave. I don't even know who they are supposed to be."

   "Oh god, you're right. Fuck those fuckers," Virginia replies.

   "I'm always right," I agree.

   Virginia starts cackling and I finally realize who she reminds me of: Sheri Moon Zombie. I try to shake this potentially hazardous thought from my head, reconsider, and fail

   "You're playing the journalist. Go find out who they are supposed to be," Virginia says, so I do. They tell me (perfectly rehearsed) that they are a Vegas showgirl and Liberace. I look back at Virginia at the bar and she is mouthing "Fuck them", and I give a thumbs up and return.

   The costume contest comes and goes and, of course, the two old Betty's win, but Virginia wins third place. I don't know who second was. She buys me another pint and a shot. I've never done a shot since 2017 so I decide it is time to leave, but I still take the shot. It was the most fun Halloween weekend in years. The moral of my true story is to go out, have fun, too much fun, but be safe, and leave with regrets. And it didn't cost $65.

So what's left? I'm sure some haunted attractions that aren't a coffee shop, a loft, or some other grift are open through Tuesday. Also, we have the Lion/Raiders Monday Night Football on Devil's Night. In Detroit. Tickets are crazy high, but maybe find a pub, and fire it up, fire it up. Ford Field is going to be an absolute zoo. Everyone be safe, but more importantly (yes I said it), have fun. Have too much fun. But be safe.

   And if anyone knows if Craigslist still does the "Missed Connections" thing, let me know. I need to ask someone if they know how to play tambourine. Stay scare Constant Readers!

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro