Spring Corktown Music Fest 2024-Very Tired

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   "Nothing, nothing, nothing inside. There's no reason to cry, just fade away like love. And there's nothing I can do, except enjoy the view. When there's nothing I can do, I smile."

   Hey all, Metro here with a brief health update, and with a preview of the Spring Corktown Music Festival later this month. As for the health, I need a new liver. This is one is hanging by a thread, no fault of mine ho ho ho. After it goes, so go the kidneys (which are in surprisingly good shape), then the stomach, the big X. So I have to stay sober until at least August, which combined with the local music scene, is a death sentence on its own. There's the health update. Maybe I'll see some of you one more time. Just not at the Corktown Music Fest. That's asking a little too much. "Minutes, seconds, so little time. Give your secrets away, well whisper in my ear. Every living thing will die, from the king of the jungle to butterfly. The only sin is waiting too long. When there's nothing I can do, I smile... I blog."

    On to the preview! Unlike the Fake Hamtramck Blowout Laundry Week Fest earlier this month that I could not attend, you know, that one where even the bands who were playing for free didn't even know where the money was going, the Corktown Music Fest is benefitting the mi-icp.orh. They are a 501-3 charity and their IRS 999 is right on their website unlike that Hamtramck Music Festival/Ben's Encore debacle from a few years ago. Another difference is that I only know around 5% of the acts playing at Corktown as opposed to knowing wayyy too many at Fake Blowout.

   The Fest kicks off with a free show at the Corktown Tavern on Thursday March 28th. Then for Friday and Saturday it opens up to the normal Fest bar hopping model (though the shows are not staggered so you have to pick one. These will be at the Corktown Tavern, Nancy Whiskey, Gaelic League, and Batch Brewery Co. The Lager House and the space behind it are not participating this year and I have not been able to find out why because of my condition. I believe wristbands are $20. Check the website. As for the band blurbs, I have less patience (and time) than usual so I will be doing one Facebook check and one Youtube check. If I find nothing, yerrrrr out, pop fly. If I find something, I'll give my take. Now, thrill me.

Bark's Tales- Too difficult to find content, just pictures. Bunch of geezers.

Moaning Dwarf- Scottie Stone side project? "Dwarf Rainbow"- GHOST knock-offs but with a budget less than JCM.

Rob Zinck & the Collaborators- "You Then Me"- Basic early '10's pop stuff. Ryan Allen came.

Big B and the Actual Proof- "Red Carpet"- I had no problem with this. Good groove throughout.

Boom Cat- Found next to nothing. Maybe a soundcheck. It was just depressing.

Werewolves- It doesn't help when both the link to your website and new album are dead, or that there are 50 other bands called Werewolves out there. You get a "Try Harder" badge. Pass.

Galaxy Coney Island- "In A Dream"- I've always liked the name of this band. Harmless, jangly stuff.

Elspeth Tremblay & the Treatment- "So Uncomfortable"- I've always found this name pretentious. It is a good song though. The singer just needs to be mic'd better.

The Dirty News- "Midnight Snack"- Something different, like out of an 80's action movie during a vulnerable moment for our hero.

7 Layers- "You Got Fire"- Wow, they include a link to the Fest and their music. Good job kids. Retro stuff with horns.

Bluesdad- "Ain't Hit the Bottom"- Blues Brothers knock off, but just one dude. Not as crazy as Blues Brothers of Central New York.

Cockhorse- Tricky Hit"- Generic noise rock/metal

Bob Housler- "Onion Land"- Simple, but well-played. Needs a tambourine player, just not one of mine.

Angel of Mars- "Live"- Off-tempo, droning stuff. I see they play a lot with the fascists at Small's, and have also played a set with Mazinga, who headlined (ouch). This begs the obligatory pic:

Alvarado Duo- Found nothing on them. How did they even apply?

Demon Breath- "FSN"- Competent thrash metal. Just a little empty. Professional flyer-makers. I also see a show in in Ypsi that nobody will see. Way to stick around and support other local acts, stereotypes.

Henry Walters Band-"Hot To Trot"-  I liked some parts of it. I rolled my eyes at others. I'd check them out if I wasn't dying.

No Skull- "Wrong Eyes"- Droning metal/rock that was decent. I liked this. Check 'em out.

Slumlord Radio- "Holy Smokes"- Made an attempt at a video. The song was basic.

Ficus- Found absolutely nothing but stuff on plants. Skip this out.

Jenns Apartment- "Acid Connection"- Pretty basic catchy 90's movie montage stuff. Plus they recently lost a cat. They get a pass. Check them out.

Room 101- "Room 101"- Metal and sludgy. If you like 1990's Metal Sludge magazine you'll dig it.

Matt Bastardson- "Hard Times"- References a Cherles Bronson film. Actually pretty good.

Matt King- This probably won't be happening.

Paul Einhaus Arrest- "Sister Left Town"- Basic, singer songwriter stuff. Okay.

Matt King Arrest- This may be happening.

Hard Luck Pete- "I Love You All"- Basic. It's a song.

Five N Dime Poets- "Wrong Turn"- I enjoyed the hell out of this. Go to their set and call for them to just play this six times.

Concreteslim- "Blue Jeans"- Solid roots rock, nothing more.

The Sugar Bombs- "Live"- Sloppy and in a "this is our first show" way.

   Well, I'm about halfway through this sludge, and there are about three bands I would check out. Don't worry, one of them is yours. I'm going to take a minute to work on the lede/outline for my empty hospital thriller. It will be about a couple (not dysfunctional; too predictable/boring) who end up in the ICU of a deserted hospital on a weekday. Bad things happen. I just need a MacGuffin to get them there. Back to the previews. "Yeaaaaaaahhhhhhh"

Cesar Aquino- "One Day"- Solid, well-presented, but not for me.

The Barley Brothers-"The Singin' Hobo"- Paint by the numbers. Well played. That's it.

Mike Ward- As expected, too much time to waste looking.

Innerspirit Project-   Just a bunch of photos and event pages for Corktown Fest. I just don't have the time for this.

Joe Kidd and Sheila Burke- "Free Men Alive"- Acoustic rootsy stuff. I have a feeling that Friday at the Gaelic League will just be stuff like like this. This is the rest of the lineup for that night. You look them up: Kat Stein & the Ferals, Stuart Benbow, Central Dogma, Maria Montoya Musk, Ryan Scott & the Creek Hounds.

Well, now we are finally on to Saturday!

Electric Huldra- "Rock N Roll Pariah"- Sounds like 30 songs I've heard before. Still, not bad. Worth a watch.

Choking Susan- These scrubs are still around? I thought she would have turned to dust by now. Sucked then, sucked now.

Float Here Forever- "Live"- Basic rock. Singer needs to be mic'd better. Not bad. Not outstanding....

Well, I'm sorry, but this is the most I can handle. I know I am leaving the whole Saturday lineup off the board so I would like to apologize to any of the bands that did not get a rub, good or bad. Years ago, I said I would stop when this stopped being fun, and it is no longer any fun for me. Maybe part of it is me being sick. I am including the flyer for the Saturday lineup so if you see anything that interests you by all means check 'em out and if not, go in blind and support local music.

I hope to see you again because I really don't want my last post after all these years to be this clunker. In the meantime here are the first two singles off of the next JCM, yet to be titled, record, "Hornets" and "White Hell". They're better than anything up there anyway. Thanks for reading and have fun, but not too much. That's still my job.

Hornets

White Hell

From the Iceman Commeth

Dr. Bryan Metro

Fear and Loathing in the ICU, Blowout Preview, Seeing God

 From the National Affair's Desk-

The Present

Hey all, Metro here, and boy has it been two weird weeks. I was gearing up, all goosed up, ramped up to do my traditional local music fest preview, and even was contemplating reviewing it in person as I have usually done, but then Boom. Two days before kickoff of Fake Blowout, I started experiencing chest pains and massive shortness of breath. Now, I have walked from Raiders Stadium in Vegas all the way to the Start at the top of the strip. I walked from Queens to Johnny Thunders' grave which was miles away. I have even walked many a Blowout. I have scaled half of Hawaii's famed Mauna Kea, the second highest peak of an island on Earth. I rose above the clouds as the sun was setting but the sun was setting below the clouds creating an Interstellar-esque mirror image view. This was the only time I have seen God.

Yet now, I could not even walk from the car to the compound without doubling over. I had Sebastian Owl take me to a large medical facility where they immediately admitted me and began testing. First was an EKG on my heart. It came back fine. Now you would think this would be a good thing. It was not because now we had a whole landscape to explore as to explain the chest pains/shortness of breath.

   The first thing was to take blood, copious amounts of blood. While waiting for the results I resumed scanning the lineup for the Fake Blowout to see if there were any connections between a specific act and my symptoms. Let's see.... Cult of Spaceskull (heart rate going up, and not in a good way), Womb Worm (difficulty breathing/choking on laughter), Dude (systems remain stagnant, nothing happens, and nothing happened in the ICU either), Dear Dykeness (heart monitor briefly becomes disconnected alarming the entire floor), Oscillating Fan Club (heart rate down to zero), Mazinga, oh no, not those washed up unironic leftie commies who don't realize the hypocrisy of everything they do and say!!!

I immediately start pounding the nurse's call button. Finally the doctor arrived.

   "Doctor, I believe I have cracked the code," I yell, while waving the Fake Blowout lineup in his face.

   "We have more important things to worry about," he says, semi-ignoring me.

   "Well, duhhhhhhhhh, have you seen this pathetic excuse for a lineup?"

   "Metro, the average adult male hemoglobin level should be between 7 and 14," the doctor explains.

   "Ohhhhhhh that is the perfect act for the next band managed by.....managed by....," the drugs have started to kick in.

   "Yours are at 3. You should be dead right now."

   "Well, duhhhhhhhhhh."

   "We're admitting you to the ICU where we will conduct more bloodwork, x-rays, a blood transfusion, CAT Scans, and a scope of your esophagus, upper stomach, and colon. We will discuss scheduling tomorrow."

And that was that. I asked the doctor to burn the fake Blowout schedule along with the hazardous materials like smocks from the dead and AIDS related stuff, and then I went to bed.

Title Card: Wednesday-

   I was in my own room hooked up to five IV's, only one of which did I know (saline zzzz). Might as well toss on an Audra Kubat cassette if you really wanted me to feel bloated. Whatever the other four were didn't even give me a decent drug haze.  If I had to go #2, I would have to buzz in an assistant because my legs had already begun to atrophy. If I just have to piss, there was a plastic urinal next to the bed. Most of the times I just peed on the bed. The hospital smocks and socks were sticky like Velcro so what was the point pulling a hip? No fault of mine.

   The doc came in (they were all different) and took me for my chest x-rays, stomach x-ray, and lower abdomen CAT Scan (I never got the results).

   "Now they are ready for the blood transfusion," she said.

   "Whoa whoa whoa, can't a guy take a little break?"

   "It's simple. You just sit there."

And that is what I did. I just sat there for an excruciating two hours. It was almost like chemo. Finally the blood bag was spent. And then I hear, "We need another one, and order more." So after a total of four bags of blood, four transfusions (well you could count it all as one, but four sounds sexier), I was on my way back to my room daydreaming about what I would do with the GoFundMe money that Amy Rebecca Gore set up for me like she did for Marcie The Bug. I've always been nice, even saying she has the sexiest local nose in town. After getting back to the room they drew what seemed to be all the blood they had just given me, so I watched Sportscenter and fell asleep.

Title Card: Thursday-

   This was a rough one. After more blood letting (starting at 1am!), they introduced platelets to my IV group, bringing it up to 6. Simply put, platelets are there to react from blood vessel injuries by initiating blood clots. Uh Oh. I tried to explain that I wasn't an 18 year old soccer player in perfect health and no history of blood clots, but to no avail. Adding the platelets a full day after the blood is the equivalent of ordering a whiskey and coke and having to come back the next day the absolute worst, bottom-shelf shit they have on hand. I felt awful the rest of the afternoon. Then the evening came.

   In order to have the colonoscopy section to go off without a hitch, I was to drink an anti-freeze gallon of this stuff that is supposed to totally clean you out. I ordered everyone out of the room and began one of the worst evenings of my life. I figured that it wouldn't be too bad because I hadn't eaten or drank anything the past four days. By 11pm nothing had happened. And then everything happened.

My stomach started gurgling ferociously so I raced to the bathroom. The attendant called after me but he sounded like he was in another dimension. Either way, the first wave had begun and per usual, there was no one there to help me. I remember using various chairs and poles to drag my lifeless legs to the bathroom, clothes already ruined. I spent the next two hours cycling through waves two through thirteen. I was exhausted and just laid down and just felt bad for the poor guy cleaning up the bathroom. As I slept, wave fourteen snuck in.

Title Card: Friday-

   Well, here was the big day, a double scope, one for each end. After helping the assistant clean up the bed, they brought me to the examination area which took way too long. Finally, I was moved to the operating area. At first they had an issue with the sedative, so I politely offered them a copy of the Jeff Milo Podcast while recommending earplugs for them. They played a sample of it (I think it was a retrospective of some nobody local act from 2010 that still hadn't made it. Couldn't it be all of them?). As I started to fade into dreamland I noticed that the head resident forgot to put his earplugs in and was starting to nod off as well, so the staff revived him and agreed to use the Milo podcast as an emergency. Thankfully, they were able to get the actual sedative to work, killed (and burned) the Milo podcast, and then I was out like a light. The rest of Friday never happened.

Title Card: Saturday-

   The first half of Saturday was spent in a dreamlike haze. For the first two hours that I was conscious I was convinced I was back at home. That changed when I heard my first, "Mr. Metro, time for blood work." How many times had this already happened while I was out? The nurse had the audacity to ask if I were a "user" because of how carved up my arms and hands were.

   "Are you kidding me? Those are all from you guys. You are in every four hours in a new location every time. Check your charts," I am raising my voice, "Okay ready, remember 3,2,1, poke. Thanks." Nothing much happens, so I just enjoy the haze remaining from the sedative, the only good drug I've had so far this entire time. My real mind started to return around midnight, and I realized just how scary it was down here. I was the only patient, along with the desk clerk, and only one orderly. I realized that all the critiques about hospital horror movies where people whined, "Where are all the patients and doctors?" are invalid. They're true. I almost broke out the notebook to outline a short story about a deserted hospital ICU (not involving ghosts; lame), but rather suspense. I still might. It would fit right in with my second book, "Make Up Something", which you can buy here:

Make Up Something by Bryan Metro & Others

   

   

And don't forget about the debut novel, "The Invisible People," which you can get here:

The Invisible People

This is just in case some of you local cheapjack phonies want to contribute to the food/bills/fraud fund. Just kidding on that last one. That one comes later. No psychotic doctor came into the room with a belt made of scalpels so I went back to bed.

Title Card: Sunday-

   I woke as I was being moved to a regular room outside the ICU. This was a good sign. After getting situated, one of the seven middle-men doctors came to see me. He explained the results of the two scopes and what they did to fix what they could. There were some fissured veins near my upper stomach that they either tied and/or fused to stop the bleeding into the stomach. My liver was still fucked of course, bit there were a few new masses. They did find a 3cm (!!) polyp on my colon that they biopsied and sent out for testing. I should be able to return home soon.

Title Card: Monday-

   Of course, it wouldn't be that easy. I woke up with a horrific dry cough and a 102 degree fever. They couldn't release me. Call the blood crew. Call the vitals crew. Call the IV crew. We're starting over. At least I could eat and drink again. Yet, still, a very disappointing day.

Title Cards: Tuesday, Wednesday, & Thursday-

   More of the same, this time trying to keep the fever down. Also, this was the period where the roaming anti-drinking groups made their rounds and found me. Now I had already made the personal decision that drinking was behind me. Yet that would not stop them. I'm sure their intentions are good, but boy did they pick the wrong time (anytime) to pester me.

   "Excuse me, Mr. Metro, I am XXXXXXXXX and am here to see if you would be interested in joining one of our groups of sobriety. In all my years of doing this I've never seen anyone do this alone."

   I began thinking, "Well, I live to prove people wrong. I have a small, insular, circle that have my back, and despite the damages already accumulated, I'll be fine until I say my body's done, not my body says it to me."

   With that said, I want to go on the record saying that I will never become one of "them". I could be a fun help because I am the "fun stranger" not the generic stranger telling the same story as the other guy. So you won't be seeing me wandering around preaching the dangers of drinking. As I said, they are probably good people. I will try the opposite and instead encourage you to do whatever you want as long as it makes you happy. If I notice things getting out of control (my specialty) or if somebody asks for help, then by all means I will be there. I keep the balance.

   "Thank you for stopping by, been a bad week," I tell him, "Leave any literature you have on my desk. You know, I've always been tempted to attend one of these stranger meet-up's just to see if I can pepper them with all these crazy memories to the point where one of them snaps and goes straight to the bar afterwards."

   "Why would you do that? That's almost murder."

   "Nahhhhh, not really, just the flip side of things. Besides it would be a good litmus test of the effectiveness of your group. No charge. Thanks again for coming by. I have your papers."

   After he left a smile crawled on my face, a smile that said, "You still got it." It was time to go.

Final Title Card: Friday-

   Discharge day! I was around 90%. No way, never will be again. I had Owl pick me up and I spent my day relaxing along with walking off my weakened limbs. The only downside was that nagging cough which had dislodged my sports hernia. So, I guess I'll be back after all. Just not this week. Selection Sunday after all. And I did it all without a beer, though the results would have been the same.

*Note- To whoever out there who donated the four blood bags for my transfusion, Thank You. I'm sure if you knew who I was or even read this blog you may have passed. As for you local cheapjacks who only leave the house if they have a new record to shill or somebody booked you on the show, donating blood is a simple way to change a life. Hell, sometimes you even get paid, get free Wings tickets, or you can set up a small merch table to help fall asleep to make the process go quicker.

- That's it from me from the present. I'd like to think that I kept enough of my sarcastic venom to show that this scare did nothing to change me (maybe a little more depressed), or soften me. It was just meant to be something different. Now let's move on to Part Two, The Past, where I dump my outline for the Fake Hamtramck Blowout I wasn't able to post while in the hospital.

Part Two- The Past

Metro's Preview of 2024 Hamtramck Griftfest

From the National Affairs Desk-

   Hey all, Metro here checking in with my first Fest preview. Now I have a high tolerance for pain (oh the irony), and I guess it's festival season again, and the vultures and pigs are out to roost. The month of March hosts two local festivals: the revamped Fake Hamtramck Blowout at the beginning of the month and the Corktown Music Fest at the end of the month. Don't forget about St. Paddy's Day in between! Typical, brilliant strategy that is synonymous with Detroit, but I do find it interesting that they are polar opposites. The Corktown Music Fest features acts I've never heard of AND actually comes out and says that it is benefitting a charity: mi-ucp which has assisted local disabled people within the community for decades. On the flip side, the Fake Blowout is being put together by the shadow people running the Hamtramck Labor Day Fest in order to benefit....wait for it....the Hamtramck Labor Day Fest. Last year's Labor Day Fest had a whopping 14 sponsor's, and now they need the proceeds from the Fake Blowout as well. One sec......

I couldn't resist. I'll do the Fake Griftout first. It was announced one month in advance, and the schedule wasn't posted until two weeks before. Which leads me to ask, Who is running this thing? Someone, anyone please step forward. I'll play nice. I just have a few questions to ask, stuff like, Where is the money going? I started cracking up when I saw that the Fake Blowout already has 8 sponsors, one of which is exclusive to a venue. Where's the money going? I know the majority of bands playing Fake Blowout are not getting paid so the obvious, canned, answer would be, "Oh y'know the venues, the sound guy. etc," the usual excuses. Everyone else are volunteers.

   So flash forward to Labor Day Weekend when all the Fake Blowout money is gone, either to the venues, sound guy, or committee member back taxes (HAI HAMFEST!). They're probably still paying off the corpses of the Dead Milkmen from last year. I don't know why I bother. As long as the kids who are in a band who are playing to change the world are having fun, then what does it matter? I just want the shysters out there to know, sick or not, I'm still watching you. This is where I usually preview each band for Fake Blowout, but obviously that ain't happening. I do hope everyone had fun too. Well, except for Citizen Smile. I assume they are still humorless poofs. Hopefully I'll be back in time for Corktown Fest's preview. You never know who's down that deserted hallway.

From the Iceman Commeth

Dr. Bryan Metro

RIP to Wayne Kramer, Elvis, and Uncle Joe. Collecting Receipts

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Hey all, Metro here. It has been a tornado of a week. I wish I had more of a local music slant to it because that's what most of my readers want, but you pig fucks in the local scene don't give me anything to work with/write about. So I felt obligated to dive deep to give you at least a little bit of content, along with a personal tribute, so let's roll.

   I have to start off by saying the personal tribute does not include Wayne Kramer. I almost got a seizure from rolling my eyes at my social media timeline. So first, my take: I am a fan of the MC5, but I am not a fan of Wayne Kramer and John Sinclair. I feel that both of them are cash grabbers and complete phonies, playing a role. John Sinclair is a shitty "poet" (that's being generous), and even worse musician who made his entire life around the fact he was arrested for pot. I do admit the charges were excessive and silly, but on the flip side, Sinclair has made a lot of money based on that incident. Plus, he likes 'em young. His "blues group" (hahaha) completely blows, featuring a hobbled old man wandering around the stage rambling words as the awful band tries to learn their instruments mid-set. Sad.

   As for Wayne Kramer, well word is he also liked 'em young. Plus he was a complete hypocrite in that he embraced the persona of being against "the man", but ultimately he embraced it, and profited from it, shamelessly touring as "The MC5" when he was the only member playing. I actually saw the remnants of the MC5 in 2004, but they were under the name DKT/MC5, a much more honest name. A part of me thinks that Wayne wasn't completely on board with that ca$$, sorry call. I may be a little harsh here (more than usual), but you caught me on a bad week. I will say that Kramer did have some killer licks, especially on the first album and the third. The second album sucked. I can separate the art from the artist. Kramer was a good, sometimes great guitarist. As a person...well next.

   

   Back to my social media, I actually was zapped by one of my FB "friends" for giving a similar take on Brother (ugh that's so lame) Wayne, and he replied with a profanity laced rant (the sure sign of losing a discussion) and immediately blocked me (proof that they concede the discussion). What a puss-mist. He plays in that one local band, local geezers Mazinga. We had a fun sparring years and years ago where they got more promotion than anything they could manufacture. They've been around forever and have treaded water the entire time. This dude, still nameless, is a typical stereotype, the aging fake punk that doesn't understand what "punk" means because he is too busy spending most of his time constantly complaining about three year old Trump stories and casually ignoring our current situation, letting most of his opinions be dictated by what other people say on the interweb. Yeah.....totally real hardcore. For the record, I am an independent (look it up) and didn't vote for either. I voted for myself. Are you surprised? His lone redeeming value is not his watered down music but that he seems to be a good father and likes Star Wars, but it wouldn't surprise me if he prefers the recent crap over the old school. There, consider that your receipt.

   Speaking of receipts, multiple sources messaged me that a former friend of mine, actually my best friend in high school, and one of the top rated Elvis impersonators in the world, was arrested recently on allegations that he groomed and encouraged a 16 year old runaway to meet him at a Motel 6 in Pennsylvania and filled her with drinks, etc. We are at the point where I have to give the disclaimer: Everything I have said has been true. John Sinclair is a shitty poet, awful musician, and overall leech. Wayne Kramer enjoyed milking the MC5 name for personal financial gain (but did have some killer guitar riffs), and this Elvis guy can easily be searched as everything I said is currently true, although I do believe in "innocent until proven guilty". Had to include that. I'm withholding his real name, but his stage name is Matthew Dalla....oh sorry, wrong Matthew. His stage name is "Matt King". As he was starting out I helped a ton in promotion and booking, but once he got his feet wet on the Elvis circuit (yeah that exists) he cut me loose. I'd like to think this is just some misunderstanding with this recent 16 year old stuff, but we will have to wait and see. And that, Matt....is your receipt.

   Whew, this post has been a rant filled downer so far, and for that I am sorry. You caught me on a bad week, but lets keep it going, but with a sprinkle of positivity, and maybe an explanation as to why this is one of my "bad mood posts". My uncle passed away last week. Joe Pilot was a decent man, a veteran who served in Korea. He was also a healthy gambler and professional drinker, and there is no problem with that. He didn't write awful rambling poetry, but was twice the professional that the people I mentioned above were. I have been trying to live up to his standards for a bit (gambling and drinking), but I don't think I can do that. Joe liked to hold court at a few local bars and was always surrounded by fellow gamblers and professional drinkers. I sat in a few times and was overwhelmed. These people were betting on every play. I couldn't keep up. The main point is that there was no negativity and everyone was having fun. One could say Too Much Fun. Joe is one of the few that I've known, including Hunter, that was a charter member of the Too Much Fun Club. And he didn't need a $10,000 GoFundMe like Marcie B. to make it happen. Just a few calls every week to family asking for some money ho ho ho. It puts a smile on my face thinking that him and Hunter are out there in the ether placing live game bets on a meaningless college basketball game.

   Well, that's it for now. Sorry for the early bad vibes, but they needed to be vented and said. Stay tuned to the only local blog that is left for my preview of the fake Hamtramck Blowout. Well, that is, if I have anything to preview. It's less than a month away and nothing has been announced. A month away..... Did they hire the retarded cousins of the Hamtramck Music Festival to organize this? I will also have a preview of the Corktown Music Fest which is brilliantly the same month, but unfortunately will bomb because I don't recognize a single act on the Fest. That's actually good though because it'll make it interesting to preview each act because we all know the same old same old will be playing Fake Blowout. Plus for some of these kids, it'll be the best exposure they get. Until next time, Go Lions!

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro

Permutation/Fake/Grift Blowout 2024 Update

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Hey all, Metro here. Yes, yes, thank you to everyone who sent me the link to the Detroit News article that "Blowout" is back. But is it really? I promised a few peepo that I would least touch on it, and trust me it'll grow as we get closer. As this post goes live, it is late January. This permutation of Blowout is supposed to be the first week of March. According to the (surprisingly) well-written Detroit News article, 18 venues across two days will be hosting Permutation Blowout. One more time, it is late January. Previous Blowouts, Hamtramck Music Fests, and Labor Day Fests, in addition to the Corktown Fest have all taken months to organize. There is a month and a week between now and Permutation Blowout. You tell me that there is a competent booker or collective that is going to arrange this with the caveat that it has value, well organized, and worth your time. If they do, then tip the hat, well done, well played. I remember having a conversation with Anthony Morrow, who worked with the actual Blowout at the very last Blowout in 2015. I can't remember the venue, but a shitty band was playing and we were both dour and morose.

   "This band really isn't any good," I said to him.

   "It just isn't worth the effort anymore," he replied, completely somber and slightly depressed. We then left on good terms noting that we created a lot of word of mouth for each other. That made me happy. I hope he is doing well. But, if this is going to be the same bands playing the same venues trope, then it will go nowhere. The crowd will consist of the bands playing that venue either earlier or later than your act. It is well established that local acts do not support local acts unless they are playing the same show, unless you are Woodman, who is a genuine guy. Tell me when I'm lying.

   Now let's get to the interesting stuff. So the Permutation Blowout is set up to benefit the Hamtramck Labor Day Fest. So the people behind the Hamtramck Labor Day Fest are hosting a Fest where local bands play for free to benefit their other Fest later that summer. Hold on, one sec....

You know me, I always dig to see where the money is actually going.

Anyway, let's get back to that whole sponsorship to sponsor something else that we are also running/  grift thing. To be fair, here is the link to the Detroit News article about Permutation Blowout:

         

Permutation Blowout is Back!

The article is well-written and the history aspects are quite fun. However, I have a few serious problems with it...

   First, regarding the original Replacement Blowout/slash/ Hamtramck Music Festival, they never reported any money actually going to the Hamtramck schools. I debunked this years ago, in addition to the tax stuff. They donated art supplies and instruments (they actually had the audacity to post a photo of a box of crayons...), but all of that were also donations. So..... where did the money go?

   Second, and I am going to put this in bold because this is the worst journalism I have seen in, well, weeks. Here is a quote from the Detroit News article: "Hamtramck Labor Day Fest has never had major corporate sponsors unlike other competing events."

Well, a simple check by the best local journalist in town completely proved that wrong. Last year's Hamtramck Labor Day Fest had a total of 14 listed sponsors. It's even on their website. Their website has a fucking link to click on sponsors. Dear god. Of course there were a few I had never heard of like Hatch and the Hamtramck Review, which is where the staff of the Detroit News should really be working at. But then, I saw that it was also sponsored by DTE, yes that DTE, and Huntington Bank. Now for a Fest that, according to the Detroit News has "never had major corporate sponsors", that is pretty darn good. Now I'm guessing by "major sponsors" they meant someone like Elon Musk or Ukraine. Instead, in addition to the lack of (14) sponsors they have to put on a Permutation of Blowout to sponsor their other Fest, and the Detroit News and the writer of the article are caught in a blatant lie. (Should have never banned me from Smalls, despite their Neo-Nazi ties. When we swarm....). Okay, once more, with feeling...

   When we swarm, you come undone. But lets get back to business. To tie it all together, this year's Assimilation Blowout is being sponsored/organized by the cheapjacks that run the Hamtramck Labor Day Fest and Grift Blowout 2024 is meant to "fund" the Hamtramck Labor Day Fest, even though it had 14 sponsors last year including DTE and Huntington Bank. Okay cool. Sooooo, where is the money really going? 18 venues over two nights who could possibly lose business with their regulars because of the wristband policy. And who knows how many bands are going to be booked, and they will all be playing for free. All for the chance to, wait for it..... play for free at the Hamtramck Labor Day Fest in September. I don't know about you, but it just seems a little gross to me. Hold on one second...

   Okay whew, so "Blowout" is back, in some weird fabricated way. I actually hoped that Metro Times would have been one of the sponsors. Oh, the irony. Unfortunately, they are operating out of a shoebox these days. Great job Lee DeVito, your alt weekly is the size of a Kroger circular nowadays. I understand that print media, hard copy, is dead/dying these days, and that really does piss me off. Good lord, this post has so much cynicism in it. We need to lighten it up. So in honor of Fake Blowout returning I have compiled a list of favorite JCM moments from the real Blowout. So, lets roll.

Top 5 JCM Moments From the Real Blowout

5. The Flavor-Aid Final Blowout- The JCM played the very final set at the very final Blowout with the gimmick being the Jonestown Massacre. I had already received the scoop that this would be the last Blowout from Morrow a day before (see anecdote above) and in the weeks leading up to it received a message from CJohnst saying all but one of the other acts have dropped off our bill and that I can go ahead and book whoever I want. It was very poetic. (FYI, all the acts that dropped off have never done anything locally after). When we swarm.... Anyway so, me and tambo player E First filmed a promo video at Loving Touch where we hinted at the theme and actually fake poisoned her daughter on camera. We never released it until 2 years later because it was too brutal. I remember seeing JSB hanging at the bar mouthing, "What the hell is going on over there?" As for the show, it went well. I brought in Mitchell Allen of "At Willoughby" fame and he nailed a killer set. I also made the mistake of including Nancy Negative/Jack Flash/Anastasia Gold/Nick Kelsay who drew absolutely nobody. But his set was good for the people he didn't draw. As for us, we did what we do. During the show we had the street team distribute grape Flavor Aid to the crowd. Some were spiked with Vodka. No poison though.

4. Playing Every Time Slot 2010- We played the first day of 2010 Blowout (more on that later), but went back the second day because unlike every other local act aside from Woodman we support acts even when not booked for the show. Of course we invited ourselves to sit in and play tambourine for four different sets at each timeslot, making us the only act to play every timeslot at a Blowout. Shout out's to Elle and the Fonts, Sisters of Sunshine Vapor, Black Lodge, Troy Gregory, and the last act I can't remember for obvious reasons.

3. The Library Pressure Cooker Blowout- I don't remember what year this was, for obvious reasons again, but it was after the Boston Marathon bombing. It was at the Ferndale Library I believe and we had the gimmick of Spring Breakers. The kicker was we brought a pressure cooker but instead of shrapnel, we tossed a bunch of local act CD's into it. We realistically could have been arrested, but we realistically would have beat it.

2. Our First Blowout 2009- This would have been one year after we started out and the first year we applied. For part of 2008 we tried to play nice, make music, change the world, etc but we soon realized the cliquey, insulated nature of the local scene, and then we became who we still are today: crabby, sometimes mean, always right, critics of the local scene. We also stopped all 2008 shows in a calculated move to create buzz. We never practiced, and I was shocked when we were selected. It was probably the name. Even though the band was only 3 people at the time, me, -jr, and Wang we ballooned our crew to get extra wristbands (and 1) that we gave away. Enter Mitchell Allen who won our online contest and has been a booster since then. See, we can be nice. I performed most of the show with a bag over my head in tribute to the Webvomit/Five Three Dialtone website (RIP), we recreated the Buffalo Bill "Goodbye Horses" scene, and I left our set to catch a shuttle to go to another venue.

1. The Inglourious Basterds Blowout 2010- After our first Blowout everyone expected us to soften, but we just amp'd up the mean critiques of the insulated local scene, which is why we were stunned to be invited to play the next year. For this one I had an entire street team collect as many Metro Times from January to the day of the show. Kentucky Pete did great work, along with loyal assistant and advisor Sebastian Owl, who alone probably collected over 1,000 Metro Times. They would wait until the Wednesday drop off at the Barnes and Noble or a local bar and just take the entire tie wrapped bundle. We loaded all of them onto the front of the stage and started the show with David Bowie's "Cat People" and me with a gas can in a nod to the Tarantino film Inglourious Basterds where the climax had a giant pile of film being set on fire to kill all the Nazis. The sound guy cut us until he could verify that we weren't going to set the building on fire. The show was sloppy, but fun. The crowd loved grabbing all the Metro Times and throwing them/tearing them up. MT had a photographer there and -jr whipped one mag right in his face. After our set, the venue asked us to clean up all the mess. "Of course we will," I replied, a terrible lie. And then we left.

Now That is how you create memories. Looking back on all that history now I realize that 75% of our Blowout performances we implied killing off the crowd: The pile of Metro Times/gas can, the pressure cooker, and the poisoned Flavor Aid. It's less spending (wasting) all your time in studio or practicing. It is more about creating moments. It's about being genuine (and promoting yourself). Many people are scared about honesty, but an equal amount appreciate honesty, even though they might not overtly say it online. Create moments, not basic music. Play something fun! Have fun with the local scene rather than cater to it. That is my advice to you, especially the bands playing the now-doomed Corktown Music Fest, also in March, featuring not one single band I've heard about. I'm sorry but with Lager and Brooklyn Detroit already not participating, that thing is doomed. (When we swarm....). I'll still preview it though because at the end of the day, I am a nice guy, and these newer acts need the exposure. Facebook event posts don't really cut it.

   So that's the post. A nice retrospective of Blowout along with some concerns about this new fake Blowout. I hope you had fun. I did. Oh, I can't resist.

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro

When We Swarm You Come Undone- 2023 Recap + 2024 Preview

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Hey all Metro here, and yes I am still alive. There was a silly rumor that I had passed that was floating around, but I am still here, just as racist, misogynistic, and cruel as can be (sarcasm). Because we all know that's not exactly true. But sometimes we like to tread the tightrope. Okay, here we go with our recap of 2023 and preview of 2024. As I always do, I'm going to flip the switch and do the preview before the recap because let's be honest, 2023 kind of was pretty boring. No local bands stepped up. Nobody broke out. The same bands played the same (dwindling) Fests and it really was a bummer.. Some acts put out new material and some of it was good, and some of it was boring. Jett Plastic Records unfriended me because I made fun of their Fest (ummmm where have you been the past 10 years?). So, yeah, 2023 was a total local scene bore. Nobody moved the needle, nobody made any waves. It was just bands playing for other bands booked on the same show. The scene is as dead as I've seen it in my 17 (dear lord, get a life) years covering it. And you are all to blame. So that is why we are starting off with the 2024 preview.

2024 Preview

Scary as it seems, but there's really not much to look forward to locally in 2024. Metro Times Blowout is dead. Hamtramck Music Fest died a quiet death as the tax evaders scurried to just get away from it all. DIY Fest is three years into being Arts Beats and Eats' little brother. Fuzz Fest has been a dud the past few years, still trying to keep it alive with the tried and true Detroit "Clique" mentality, with the only problem is utilizing bands that are just boring. Same thing with the Punk Rock BBQ thing. Same acts. Same, same, same, same. Boring. Nowwwwww that is where we come into play. The JCM has just released the first single off of our new (maybe last) album, which is still untitled, although I will be pushing for "Holy Shit!" I am very excited to release this song to you here (while allowing us back into the DMA's even though we have been banned). The song is titled "Hornets" and I can say without a trace of smark or irony, one of the top 3 songs we have ever done. And it is also our most accessible song. The vocals and music are by -jr and the spirit animal themes are via Bryan Metro. I will promise you this, you can put out 100 songs in 2024 locally and none will touch this. Quality over quantity. The gauntlet has been laid down. All the other local acts blew their wad in the dead zone of 2022/23. The gauntlet has been laid down. And now I give you "Hornets".

JCM-Hornets

See, I told you. A great song. From us!!!! And of course, the next album we'll be working on throughout the year. And this is the thing that will piss so many people off is that we record 1 song a year, play one show a year, and yet we have more word of mouth, buzz, promotion, and yes, hate, than any other band out there. And we don't have to pay some shylock $500-1,000 to make a record. We don't need a local record presser to press our records (Oh hai Jett and record store kid, the Tony Khan of local....uhhhh record stores). We wake up, we conspire, we create the most buzz in town, and we have been doing it since 2007. The best part is.....we don't have to, and we don't even try. I think that really is the reason many local acts don't care for us. It's not the shit talking, goofball takes, etc. It is because we are more well known than you working every day on your "craft". Hell, I'd be pissed too. So let's get to the 2023 Year in Revue.

2023 Year In Review

This segment should be pretty short because, for the most part, 2023 was pretty damn unmemorable. I don't really care for seeing any local bands who have been playing the same show for year. I don't have any interest in movies that put agenda over quality story. I don't have any interest. That is why I put the (mildly narcissistic) 2024 Preview first. There are some flakes, I mean people out there that are convinced they are going to "save the local scene" (Oh Hai Nancy Negative), but let's be real. It's just another stereotype of the local music scene, just another nobody who thinks they are going to change everything but faceplants at every opportunity. Nope. If the most publicity you get is a few mentions on this site you aren't doing shit. But it does provide a good lesson to everyone out there in the trenches: Do better, try harder, and stop making excuses. Chris Oliver and Vellows are a great example. Chris was snubbed by the clique of music for years and he kept at it and is making a name for himself currently releasing way too much content, but is catching on. Good for him. Deserves it, although I wish he would stop whining about his foot. Okay, rant over.

   I will try to make this brief. So, me and my trustworthy, loyal assistant Sebastian Owl compiled our Best/Favorites of 2023. I've done better (nickname in college), but I figured Why Not? Let's roll. Caveat: Keep in mind that "Best" and "Favorite" are two separate things. Some say Kubrick's Barry Lyndon is his best movie, but is it my favorite? Nahhh, just need to see it once. You get it? Got it?

Best Music Experience-

Metro: Obviously it would be the summer edition of the Corktown Music Fest where a stripped down version of JCM, along with new backup tambourine player Darlene Schaffer (E First has disappeared) helped to raise over $2000 for the Girls Rock charity.

Sometimes it helps when you promote an event by means other than a lazy Facebook event post. We do one show a year, if you're lucky, never ever practice, and yet still get more heat than your band. I was so happy with the results I even broke out the iconic cross-legged rant pose.

Sebastian Owl: "Queens of the Stone Age/Freedom Hill and Pretenders/The Shelter. Queens are the best working rock band working today and the Pretenders are legends. Bonus is that I didn't have to grovel online begging people for tickets."

Favorite Movie-

Metro: "Thanksgiving". Of course it's not the best, but I had such a blast seeing it in an actual theater with Asian bass player Wang Yellowbone and Owl. Sometimes the intangibles make all the difference. It was over the top, had some gruesome kills, but sadly no doffed tops.

S. Owl: "I'm going with a tie between Barbie and Saltburn."

Wang: "Thanksgiving was fun. Oppenheimer was pretty good as well. Want to give some love to "Talk To Me" as well, a rare non sequel, original horror film. Fuck the Exorcist. That director has ruined two iconic horror franchises. He's like the Eugene Strobe Comb-over of the film industry"

Favorite Album-

Metro: Queens of the Stone Age "In Times New Roman". My favorite album of 2023, and one of the few you could listen to without skipping a single track. Honorable Mentions go to Sisters of We Only Support Events That We Are Booked On Vapor's "Nocturnal Train to Mars" along with The Beggars "Stinks Like Rock and Roll" which managed to survive a horrible title and even worse album cover to be a fun record.

S. Owl: I got nothing. Maybe the Barbie soundtrack?

Metro: You're fired.

Favorite TV-

Metro: I don't watch tv. Sunday Night Football flex games of I had to pick, even though I'm probably losing money on it.

S. Owl: "The Bear or Poker Face."

Metro: I didn't care for The Bear. Too much cursing as a substitution for quality writing. After 15 years in the hospitality industry I could write a better script. I've never sampled Poker Face, but Natasha Lyonne could have been a good friend of mine in 1999.

Best Book-

Metro: "Make Up Something" by Bryan Metro

S. Owl: "Make Up Something" by Bryan Metro

Darlene Schaffer: "Make Up Something" by Bryan Metro

Of course it's "Make Up Something", my second book, easily the best local book of 2023. As expected it received next to zero local support because it wasn't an uplifting story about somebody that had a medical issue and wrote a cookie cutter book about all that, something I could have written in my sleep. Nahhhh, instead, I enlisted over 11 local artists who contributed short stories, poems, even song fragments and tossed in a few of my home cookings, and framed it around a murder mystery. I'll include the link below in case any of you local cheapjacks want to support actual interesting content. We know the answer, and I say, eat shot.

Here is the link to grab the book:  Make Up Something

This is it

All good things/posts must come to an end, so we segue to-

Best Funeral-

S. Owl: "I would say Shane McGowan. It was the perfect Irish funeral. It was death and joy, and really a celebration of life what a funeral would and be. Traditional Catholic, yet we had people dancing over the pews. Plus, c'mon, Nick Cave, and even that clout chaser Bono. Just perfect."

Metro: Hamtramck Music Festival. Went out with a......whimper. Very disappointing. The head honchos all split town, along with most of the profits. No bands got paid. In 2023, there was no spring edition. There was no summer edition. They just left like rats. Today's Lesson: Don't poke the Big Dog.

So, yeah, that's it for the 2024 Preview and 2023 Recap. Yeah, it could have been better, and you could say it as well because I'm bored. I just wanted to get some content out to you, Constant Readers. Stay tuned for my preview of the spring Corktown Music Fest which I am actually looking forward to because I don't know a single act that is playing it. Sorry, but due to logistics, JCM can't play this one, but that's not exactly a bad thing because one can only preview the same acts for so many times. The time is ripe, perfect, for someone to step up and grab the brass ring. Will it be your band (spoiler alert-probably nahhhh). But if you are out there in the local scene in 2024 and practice and grind your craft, or don't practice at all (it has been done), the door swings both ways. Get that ring. Make the scene interesting again. Or you could buckle under the pressure and effort needed (Nancy Negative, "Ohhhhh god. Ohhhh dear, everyone is out to kill me!!!!!"), and then make up a story about spilling water on a guitar. Spare me. It's 2024. I'm back, still alive, and we are ready to swarm.

(The photo is satire. The shirts were made by E First and meant to make fun of all the poor takes on us. Keep in mind we raised money for women's health and also ran that sexual predator M. Dallas out of town. Tell me when I'm lying.)

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro

 

Halloween With JCM- A Real Spook Show

 From the National Affairs Desk-

   Well, it is officially Fall, my favorite season, and Halloween, my favorite holiday. Unfortunately, I don't have much content for this post because I don't really have much content. But no fault of mine. I have noticed that as I get older and older holidays don't have the same "punch" anymore; Halloween, 4th of July, especially birthdays, and even Christmas. I really wanted to do a local Halloween preview, but there was just not enough to sink my teeth into. Well, almost.

   Yeah, there is still that Creepy Cheapy cover band cash grab at the Crofoot, but I looked at the lineup, and good lord... Usually the bands just suck, but this year the bands that suck (most aren't even real bands, just friends of the booker/venue, world's worst kept secret), but this year the acts they covered suck. Every act seemed to be a early 2000's pop-punk band. Ryan Allen must be creaming himself right now. I honestly don't even know if it has happened already as of this writing because there has been no press or in person accounts that I could find. Zero people covered it, which is expected these days.

   Then there is, sorry, was the cash grab that is, sorry was, Theater Bizarre which was cancelled this year. For those out of the loop, Theater Bizarre is an overpriced Halloween experience populated by theater geeks who went to NY or LA for two weeks, bombed, and are now doing silly tricks with fire. Anyway, it was cancelled this year, and a few sources covered it, and a boat-ton of people complained about it. Who knows what really went down, but the official word is that it was because of a double booking. C'mon, who really believes that? Aside from being completely overpriced, they do have a history of wearing out their welcome at venues. I've also heard tax stuff, but we won't go there as that is just some stuff that was told to me and not confirmed, and I'm not getting paid to look into it. Howevvvverrrrr, where's there smoke... Two venues (State Fair and Masonic) have had issues with the organizers of Theater Bizarre. Maybe next year there will be a third because we know they are toast for now. And, of course, there is always the age old question: Where is the money going? Yes, I realize that staging such an event, though overpriced, still costs money. After they were booted from the State Fair I spoke to a few performers and people who worked the show for an article I was too bored to post. Everyone I talked to said they worked for free or volunteered. Sooooo, where is the money going? Typical.

Zoom, flash, jump cut to 2023 and the remnants of Theater Bizarre are at it again. They had a bus tour of something something haunted something this past weekend. For a very fair/foul $65 you can hop on a shuttle, sorry, bus to go to three locations That They Won't Even Say. I purposely waited until Devil's Night to post this because I didn't want to give any of these con artists any free publicity from the most read local blog in Detroit, and also so I could get feedback on what locations they went to. As expected, crickets. I think it would have been hilarious if one of the locations was an alley on Cass. "Years ago, a shadowy figure was sighted here. To this day, some still see him." Actually, I did my job for once, and found a link about the bus cash grab thing.

Money Money Money

It looks like you were paying $65 to ride on a bus with a bunch of "hard passes" to three "surprise" locations: The Congregation Coffee Shop (emphasis on "Con"), The Apartment Disco, and the Lexus Velodrome. Once again, $65..... I have been in and around Detroit for 40 years and been hooked on haunted attractions for over 20 years and I have never heard of any of this. Were they just shipping people to people's houses? Okay, I did my job again and looked them up. Zero history of any haunted activity. Just a bunch of failed theater geeks doing the same shit they'd been doing for years at Theater Bizarre, one big masturbatory excuse for the Theater Bizarre rejects to make a buck. Oh, fuck right off.

As for myself, I wisely opted out of the bus scam and went to a nearby bar, "The World's Headquarters" for their Halloween party. The following happened and all of it is true...

   I decided to go as my go-to costume of Hunter Thompson, which is basically me every day anyways. World HQ was packed, but I was disappointed that there were so few costumes. I honestly was surprised that there were no Barbie or Ken's. I never participate in costume contests because I am the observer and don't like to be seen, so I kept a low profile at the bar. As the costume contest drew closer, and all of the costumes were lame, I briefly considered entering, but decided not to when the bartender, a "Probably", said that the tab was on her because Fear and Loathing was her favorite movie. I had already won the night and ordered a pint.

Since both tambourine players are now off the grid and loyal assistant Sebastian Owl didn't want to go and Wang was drunk on college football and -jr is still in Illinois, I was riding solo, so I decided to make friends. The girl next to me had Pennywise makeup on along with a clown suit, but the costume was form fitting enough for me to tell she was a hardbody. I introduced myself as Bryan, and she as Virginia, "like the state".

   "I get it," I replied and could tell she was already drunk. My main concern was that she was alone which made no sense because good looking girls don't go to bars alone unless they are a prostitute, or actually a dude. I did another once-over and concluded, "Yeah not a dude."

   It was at this point some dude in a cheap store bought pimp suit sits to my left, also drunk. He introduced himself as Gary and I erupted into a laughing fit. He was confused. I explained that it was an inside joke and that I covered the local music scene. He was still confused. I then asked if he knew Virginia, who was on the right of me. He said no and I muttered, "Keep it that way."

   The music changed and "Monster Mash" started playing and Virginia was dancing dangerously close to me, but I was okay with it. At this point, two old crones came in, both over 70, both professionally dressed, one with an elaborate peacock shoulder harness, and the other with a silver suit and electric candle. The bar started clapping and I got pissed. I was not the only one.

   "Look at that noise," I say, turning to Virginia, "They are professionals. They probably hit up every low key costume contest just to collect the money and leave. I don't even know who they are supposed to be."

   "Oh god, you're right. Fuck those fuckers," Virginia replies.

   "I'm always right," I agree.

   Virginia starts cackling and I finally realize who she reminds me of: Sheri Moon Zombie. I try to shake this potentially hazardous thought from my head, reconsider, and fail

   "You're playing the journalist. Go find out who they are supposed to be," Virginia says, so I do. They tell me (perfectly rehearsed) that they are a Vegas showgirl and Liberace. I look back at Virginia at the bar and she is mouthing "Fuck them", and I give a thumbs up and return.

   The costume contest comes and goes and, of course, the two old Betty's win, but Virginia wins third place. I don't know who second was. She buys me another pint and a shot. I've never done a shot since 2017 so I decide it is time to leave, but I still take the shot. It was the most fun Halloween weekend in years. The moral of my true story is to go out, have fun, too much fun, but be safe, and leave with regrets. And it didn't cost $65.

So what's left? I'm sure some haunted attractions that aren't a coffee shop, a loft, or some other grift are open through Tuesday. Also, we have the Lion/Raiders Monday Night Football on Devil's Night. In Detroit. Tickets are crazy high, but maybe find a pub, and fire it up, fire it up. Ford Field is going to be an absolute zoo. Everyone be safe, but more importantly (yes I said it), have fun. Have too much fun. But be safe.

   And if anyone knows if Craigslist still does the "Missed Connections" thing, let me know. I need to ask someone if they know how to play tambourine. Stay scare Constant Readers!

From the Iceman Commeth

The Boy Next Door

Dr. Bryan Metro