Undercover Boss With the HamFest Committee HMF Preview Part 2- D-H

The following is satire and in no way meant to be serious or a reflection of the author's real views. Entertainment purposes only.

 From the National Affairs Desk-

Hey everybody, sorry for the obnoxious cover photo. For some reason, my blog editor uses the first pic posted as the thumbnail when I post/link/spam these posts so I wanted to get it out of the way. Okay, the disclaimer....

Disclaimer: These previews may come off as mean, cruel, catty, petty, humorous (ok that was just me), among other things. That said, this is me at my most earnest and sincere..... Go to this thing. Yes, you heard right. Go out and buy a wristband. I no longer care to audit where the money goes. Just fucking go out and have fun like your life depends on it, and this time it might not be hyperbole to say so. I honestly think the swine are on the verge of locking everything down again. Or trying to at least. The blame is everywhere and most of those being blamed have a little to do with it. But I really don't think we will be getting another one of these next year, at least in its normal wintery spot. Normally I would make a joke about the ineptitude of the HMF organizers, but I'm not joking. So good lord, go out and have fun. Get vaccinated if you are comfortable. Be safe if you wish not to. I'm not advocating either way, and I'm no scientist (just a doctor), but I think me and you, as average Joe and Janes, have as much credibility as those making and changing the rules every fucking day. Medium story short- Go to this and have fun. Hang out with friends. Make new friends you might not see in a year. Create memories. Get pregnant knowing that you probably have a valid excuse never to see them ever again. And if you are a veteran of these things tell them about the good old days before the pigs got their little taste of power. Sermon over. On to the preview. I wrote this yesterday...

The following is satire and in no way meant to be serious or a reflection of the author's real views. Entertainment purposes only.

Hey oatmealheads, Part 1 of the 2021 Hamtramck Music Festival is barely in the books and here we are rushing into Part 2. I really wanted to quit after Part 1 because it really was a chore and surprisingly the hits were down. More people read the fake JCM Fest posts than the HMF preview, and that scares me. But I have to go on and finish this even if Part 5 S-Z is posted after the Fest is over which would be hilarious. I really think this will be my last ever HMF preview so I should see it through. Take that however you want.

The following is satire and in no way meant to be serious or a reflection of the author's real views. Entertainment purposes only.

A quick recap of the last one: New video trope- Local band sets shitty song to clips from old movies. New genre- Lonely, emo, Covid Pop. New/Same Annoyance- Fucking Theater Kids. Homework Assignment for this Part.... It seems that the Covid Mask Paranoia is getting the media rush job since the last post THREE DAYS AGO. Vegas is reinstating its mask mandate even for the vaccinated starting July 30th. Washington DC as well despite having Zero Covid deaths last week. Okay. Many places of employment are now requiring proof of vaccination. Oh just the government and military. Public trust is eroding faster than Eugene Strobe's hairline. No biggie. Pfizer announced that the vaccine's effectiveness dissipates after 6 months, or just in time for the 3rd quarter profit reports to shareholders. Hold on, I'm getting to the punchline. A few more... The Marble Bar now requires proof of vaccination to enter. Will the venues at HMF follow suit? Is there enough time to even coordinate this? The fest didn't release the schedule until a week before and even then didn't update the website. They just posted 16 flyers, one for each venue. What....the.....fuck..... Anyway will any of these venues require masks or vaccines? Buy the ticket, take the ride. After all, isn't this the "largest local music festival of its kind" which happens to take place in our "beloved close knit local enclave" of Hamtramck, MI, U.S.A.N.K. Ye gods, if this isn't  a recipe for disaster. Its painfully obvious that those in charge have zero clue of what's going on and how to deal with it. And here's the punchline. Am I talking about the government or the Hamtramck Music Festival Committee? Here is the hot take of the young century: I actually think that the HMF committee can do just as good a job managing the pandemic as the government, if not better. Can we petition for a trade? A straight up Swap? Let's put the HMF Committee in charge of the national Covid response and let Fauci book the showcase at Trixies for Hamtramck Music Fest. He can even sell sketchy food out the back since he's an expert on people getting sick. Hot damn, Part 2 is even better than Part 1. Let's ruin it all by getting to the bands.

The preceding was satire and in no way meant to be serious or a reflection of the ally's real views. Entertainment purposes only.

2021 HMF Band Preview Letters D-J

Danny Vanzandt- "Sisyphus"- Wuss autotune drip. Now I have to wash my eyes out with 10 minutes of Paige Vanzandt.

Deadsurf- "Death Shake"- 63 views. 5 likes on Youtube. This is a crime because I thought it was great. My favorite act so far. Pretty fucking good surf rock with reverb to spare.

Deadwitxh- "Everybody Wants Me Dead"- I can relate. Okay music made on a computer. Nothing to it. I really have nothing. Stupid band name alert.

Deal Breakers- "Get Over It"- I had no problem with this either. If I paid for a wristband I would check this out. Love the reverb on the lead guitar. A lot.

Dear Darkness- "White Lightning"- Ah, good old Dear Dykeness. I almost skipped and flagged as "Reviewed Before" but I wanted to see if they got more haggard. Aaaaaafirmative! This is real awful stuff. Avoid.

Deep Bloom- Facebook Page- Says that HMF is their first live performance. Love how that works. Looks like a two piece, harmless act with a wild Samoan and a real cutie of a singer. Ok.

Denise Davis & the Motor City Sensations- Live at Knight Ampitheater- Exactly like you would picture based on the group's name. Ex-actly.

Detroit 442- "Fucked Up"- I've seen this name before. Did they play this year's Hoe Army Bikini Car Wash? Which reminds me, I still have a post outlined where I review last year's calendar from that event. Cheesecake stuff. No really. Lots of cheesecake. Oh the band... Generic punk-ish rock. It's ok. The lyrics suck, but what do you expect?

Detroit Dives- Live at Smalls- Decent but generic. Sorry, I gotta rip through these.

Detroit Party Marching Band- Forever twerps and a waste of time and space.

Detroit Trouble- Live in Taylor- Oh man, this should be good....Its not. Actually, this could have been the second coming of The Stooges and I would have still used that punchline. I'm that predictable. But really, its not that good. Southern (?) dirtbag rock. They do get points for all of them looking like The Indian from my band.

The Dirty News- I typed this in and I got a bunch of naked hardbodies doing the weather and each other. After that I couldn't go back and look for this band.

The Doozers- Reviewed before. Probably made an easy joke about their name.

DJ Hypermane- I don't review DJ's.

Duende!- Reviewed before. Decent to good band. Ok, actually pretty good. Been around forever. Boss Radio baybay. The chick despises me. I have no idea why ho ho ho. They lose points for the naggy hag.

Edison Hollow- "Circle of Madness"- They put some effort into the video despite it being filmed in a basement. I think they are all indy wrestlers when not playing music in basements. By next year the Hamtramck Music Fest will take place in this band's fucking basement. "Nobody said anything about 50 bands with 8 fans in a fucking basement". Not bad.

Emma Guzman- Live in the D- Awwwww she takes it so seriously. Nothing wrong with that or the music here. Harmless singer-songwriter stuff. I can't be too mean to that. So innocent.

End- I'm not looking that up.

Eroders- Reviewed Before.

Extra Arms- Reviewed Before. But hey its Ryan Allen, so why not. "Up From Here"- Same shit for 15+ fucking years. Loses a Ton of points for filming the video in separate places for each band member but the waterhead drummer is still wearing a mask like its some profound commentary on society. Watch, he probably has some horrific immune disorder and I will feel awful after hitting Publish. Nah, lets roll with failed socio-commentary. I think The Handgrenades did a similar thing in one of their videos, playing to a non-existent crowd (method acting) while wearing masks. Probably to keep JSB from eating the Subway sandwich platters.

 

The Gashounds- Live HMF 2019- Whew, it's getting late/early at the National Affairs Desk. I thought this said the Hounds Below, the band from Jason Von Bonfire. Nah, different band here. Yet still, pretty generic. The singer has Lee Majors' hair. There, that's my fucking review. Somebody's hair......

Gatorade Boys- I spent 45 seconds looking for stuff using "Gatorade Boys" and now I'm probably on one of Biden's lists. But which one muahahahahahahahahahahahaha

The Gerries- Another act I couldn't find anything on. The first site that came up was a Furry group. Jesus, what are these simps trying to do to me?

Ghost:Hello- Live at Buzzloin- Cracking up. Guitar and drum two piece. Absolute wall of sound noise gold. They are the White Stripes if the White Stripes were two Haystacks Calhoun's. Fuck it, I'm watching this again.

Grand Heft- Live HMF 2020- The name had me chuckling. All downhill from there. The rest was average. Buy a wristband so these imbeciles can get a mic that works.

Haze the North Side Mexican- Vegas Bet Time! A. Hotties. B. Plain Jane Passes. C. Dudes. D. A fucking Mexican. F' it. $1 on D plz. "Big Hoodoo"- I think I won $1. Hip hop gimmicky stuff. I like that his Youtube channel has vids of his kids. Gangsta.

Hell Dollars- Couldn't find anything. Dumbasses.

Holy Profane- Vegas Bet: A. Hip hop. B. Rap. C. Fat Mary's. I have $1 on hip hop. Go! It ended up being D: Awful music with "Try Too Hard" clever titles. This is really bad stuff. Unironically ironically offensive shit.

The Honest To God Jug Band- I don't have to search this do I? Though it would be funny that after about 50 acts and guesses they end up being hot lesbians.

Huron Fire- Live @ Studio 41- Mid Michigan "metalcore". Just living the dream and keeping the scene alive. Little fishes on big fucking hooks.

Well that's it for Part 2 of the Hamtramck Music Festival 2021 Preview. I really need to step it up so you have all the info you need to pencil in your schedules and plan your evenings (nobody goes during the day other than Woodman I think, bless his heart). Keep in mind that the acts in the preview are from the July 26th flyer so there may be some new additions and for all I know everybody I just spent the last two days looking up have already dropped out, got sacked, or been replaced. Vegas bet!!!

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

2021 Hamtramck Music Fest Preview: Loose Ends + Letters A-C

 From the National Affairs Desk-

Sweet Jesus, this came out of nowhere. It seems like last week I was outlining a post covering my application for this year's Hamtramck Music Festival complete with legal counsel to get out of the barbaric Zero Tolerance and fascist Hold Harmless policies. The application and subsequent post would have served as a warning for the new crop of naive musicians looking to become the next success story to rise out of the slums of our city. These poor bastards were lining up to neuter their infant voices and erect a giant neon sign that says "Take Our Creative License and Our Gear While You're At It!" These poor kids needed a veteran of the trenches, an elder statesman to steer them away from the swine. Who better to do that than me, a true Motor City Saint, and someone who isn't afraid of being cancelled just because my act has a song called "Fat Mary" about a girl named Mary.

I figured I had enough time to let this simmer and marinate and then BOOM, this comes flying over the Mojo Wire...

Those fuckers sure don't waste any time (just everyone else's time and money). The lineup was already out and, Holy Fuck, its in a week! I stress that the lineup is out. The actual schedule isn't out until the 29th which gives everyone exactly one week to plan their venue hopping which is one of the more fun aspects of these fests. So I had to call an audible and shelve the fake, yet real, JCM application and dive right into the preview. Which means I also had to scrap my other project, a breakdown of this year's Kresge Arts Fellowship Grant Whatevers. In a nutshell, it was a predictable mash-up of your average mental defectives so diverse its not actually diverse. So, basically, predictable, safe, and boring. I sent a missive to Wang Yellowbone asking him to really spice it up so I can do a JCM/Lavender Fellowship Post which was to be a vast improvement over the Kresge hacks because let's face the facts, the Kresge grants are basically the Detroit Music Awards of Fellowship grants. This project also ran out of time, but not before a winners photo collage was drafted. You can see it here, below. I tried to keep a few from the actual Kresge photo collage, and yes, the possible mugshot guy (bottom row, can't miss it) Had to stay! In fact the original plan was for the entire collage to be local mugshots, but we decided on a few of the Kresge goofs, the possible mugshot guy on the bottom row, and a few Easter eggs.

Holy shit-fire, we're already a page and a half in, longhand, and time is already running out. Looking at the flyer I am going to have to divide this into five parts with Part 1, this one, being letters A through C. To the preview!

Once the HMF announced it was moving forward after a forgotten Covid edition I even forgot to cover, I saw that the buzz was as predictable as ever, the same blissfilled rhetoric as always....

Covid jokes aside ("How can you catch The Bug if nobody shows up to your showcase?"), the first post lockdown, pre lockdown-again Hamtramck Music Fest has a few new wrinkles. Will there be protests? What can we protest? I remember when we/JCM got kicked off a few years ago, thus creating that whole boring Zero Tolerance copy/paste, there were actual protests. Real life stuff. Not this media curated shit we see today. This was organic in that the pure dislike for us brought the local community together in a way we haven't seen before and definitely not since. I even think that fucking linthead Liggett suggested they contact homeland security. Yes, this really happened in one of their group meetings. I have the tapes! What can we hope for this year? Will these glandular cases show up?

Good god, could you imagine if the Jesus Chainsaw Massacre was active and performing in the age of rib-suckers like that, all being wheeled around in motor carts stolen from every Kroger in town, all attached to oxygen tanks, and their cuck fuckbois wearing hip femme backpacks with "Press" on them but instead of notebooks and cameras they just have surplus sandwiches snatch and grabbed from the CVS on Joseph Campeau.

Ah yes, the preview. Still with the questions. Is the money still going to Hamtramck Public Schools? Are there any Hamtramck schools still open? I think so but am too lazy to verify, and even lazier to see why the price jumped from $10 to $15 when none of the bands are getting paid and everything is based off a volunteer/donor model.... Will there be a shuttle? Their poorly designed website (fuck the link, it's a waste of time anyway) is so basic I have no clue of any of the logistics. Spoiler alert. They don't either! Having a shuttle presents a paradox. Do we want a shuttle carting people around who may or may not be vaccinated, and this is as science is slowly saying that the vaccines are not as effective as we were initially told? Do we skip the shuttle and try to bank on running into Hamtramck Steve confronting the fat protest brigade up there and going into a sheer fit of rage and start throwing their scooters, rib sucker still attached, into the backyards of vacant houses? Or do we scrub the shuttle and risk having a repeat of those heinous sex crimes in Hamtramck during the Metro Times Blowout a few years ago? What heinous sex crimes, the newbies may ask.... Oh, just those where a couple girls were kidnapped and sexually assaulted by XXXXXX. You may not have heard about it because the Metro Times buried the story to avoid a negative spotlight on an event with their name on it. Actually, most of the local media slept on that story. We didn't, but weeeeee're the bad guys. But hey, in these modern times with higher crime rates and less police ahhh never mind.  Fuck the Metro Times.

But what do I know? Maybe my way of thinking is more on the outdated and less on the sympathetic.

Okay, the preview. Finally. For the new kids, and by the looks of the flyer, there are a lot of you, here is the format:  I take the band/performer/art fuck and search for them on Youtube, Facebook, Soundcamp, or Bandcloud for one example of your work. If I can't find you on these platforms with a simple search (I don't scroll) then you are a waste of time for me, a waste of space for the Fest, and an insult to any act that applied and was not selected. And you are damn right I am checking every comment on the HMF page saying "I applied" or "Why isn't XXXX playing? They applied" and linking these posts there. I would post the people selecting and curating the fest but not even I can tell you who that is these days, and that's exactly how they want it. For the acts I could find I check out the one thing I picked and give a 1 to 3 sentence honest review. Trust me, for 90% of the acts playing, this is more print/hype than you will see anywhere else. The HMF and the embers of local media have done ZERO to promote this this year. I didn't know it was starting August 5th until a Week before. Pathetic. But hey, live music is back baybay! Here is the preview for every band on the actual flyer posted on July 26th. If your act is added later (plans change ho ho ho) then you don't deserve to be on the preview. Eat shot.

Of note is the odd fact that some of the usual suspects are not listed (so far). 

No Danny Dustrod

None of JSB's 500 bands. Must be too busy team building with the Master Race at the WAB.

No Electric Six, although they have their own tour starting soon, probably to pay for Dick Valentine's stomach stapling procedure.

And, ye gods, no Caveman and Waterhead Waterhead! That has to be an error. I fully expect them to be added at some point, but we know what day it wont be.

How sad is that? They couldn't even spell Axl right. JCM will be at that show actually, and will be sure to play the Tease the Bum With A Dollar Bill Gag with them. Eat em up Woodman. No, really, eat em up. Okay, it's Tiiiiiiiiime! Pray for me.

The 2021 HMF Performers List A-C:

Act Casual- "Hillbilly Disco Live at El Club"- 49 views in over a year on Youtube. Those are JCM levels. They are technically sound but desperately need a "look". I almost sought out another link but that's breaking the rules. BTW, who's booking El Club these days? I've had people asking.

Alice Dreamt- "Caterpillars"- Preachy. Boring. More on this new genre in a minute.

All the Wild Children- "Sunsick Live"- The singer in the live clip looked like a skinny fat version of the doofus from Imaginatron. Which makes sense because, oh shit, its Scottie Stone on drums! Coolest thing about the clip was the cameo from the Beggars drum kit.

Anthony Retka- "Lonely"- Ugh, I'm 4 acts in and I see the first trend of HMF artists this year. Covid Rock. Covid Pop. Can we get an official name for this pussy shit? Its actually a really decent song that nails the chord changes, but ultimately already dated and empty.

Ashes of War- "Caldera" (?? I can't read my own writing)- Not sure if this is the act performing at HMF. I think it is. Says this is their debut single. Half Pantera. Half Cannibal Corpse. All Dork.

At Willoughby- Didn't preview. Have given them the JCM Seal of Approval in the past. In 2021, that's a death sentence.

Bad Magnets- "More Than Them"- 17 FB likes. That's sub-JCM levels. You have to try to get less. Music made on a laptop. This preview is the highest they will get. We have reached their ceiling.

Bananacondas- "St. George's Infirmiry"- Not sure if this is the act playing. 11 views. 0 likes. 1 dislike. Comments turned off. This is Hamfest!

The Band Mint- Live at Dally- I sure hope that rib sucker washes that Pistons jersey.

Beauville- Too generic to find any actual content that meets our criteria. Call themselves "Detroit Country" whatever that means. Their FB has no music. Book them on Outlaw Mud Mondays.

Black Magik The Infidel- "Return of the Living Dead"- We have out first Keeper! Utterly hilarious. Seek this video out. Off with their fuckin' head.

The Blitzers- "Incognito"- What is with these lazy videos with old movies set to new generic local music? Is this a thing? This is the 2nd one I've seen so far. Anyway, second album era MC5-lite. So, boring then.

Bloody Butterflies- Couldn't find much content. They look like nice people.

The Blueflowers- They play all these. I'm already getting bored. Look up an old preview. I'm not doing it again. I'm guessing they're the same.

The Boblo Islanders- "Are You Having Any Fun?"- No, ho ho ho. Another trend: Local acts with the inferiority/cute complex of repurposing local names. See: The Illitches, Palace of Auburn Hills, these guys, etc. This group is an interesting lot. Ragtime (? fuck it) black & white twee. The chick seems to have a personality and after about three Chivas Regals they'd get a pass. No no no, I mean a maybe!

Bombastic Dream Pussy- So before I searched, I set up some Vegas odds. Are they A. A bunch of hot lesbians. B. A bunch of "Pass" lesbians. C. Members of the Fat Antifa cluster from up there, or D. A bunch of dudes. I put $1 down on D for dudes, but hedged my bet with $0.50 on B for Pass lesbians.. Let's go! "Live at HMF 2020"- Well I won $0.25. Does not live up to the name. Girl kinda can't sing.

Bourbon Squirrel- "Live at Kelly's"- It looks like they only play Kelly's. Did you see Kelly's got sold? Will the new owners rehire that loser Jimmy Doom? Will they still have the same open drug policy? Oh, the band? Hey, my bet on B came through, just one act too late. Give me my $0.50.

The Bruised Reed- Reviewed them before. Next.

Bubak- Reviewed before. Next.

Burn Maralago- "Fuck You (helpme)"- Well, they at least they have a look, I guess. Generic "punk/edgy" rock by the Theater Kids. They totally have to be the Theater Kids right? I mean the video was filmed in a fucking Theater. Cute name. Totally the Theater Kids. I guess Violent J is not the only plus sized clown in town. 

Carbon Decoy- "Cemetery Station"- Decent. Sludgey. Fine. This is my idea of a good review.

Century Babes- Oh shit, time for another Vegas Prop Bet! A. Hot. B. Not. C. Dudes. I have $0.50 on A. Let's go! Oh no....No..... "Zoom Chat With Hip In Detroit"- Noooooooooo. I completely, totally lost this bet. My local music betting funds have absolutely cratered. In the gutter. Pass pass pass. It's all over. Ye gods!

Umoja- Looks like the idiot who came up with the alphabetized HMF flyer just got Umoja disqualified. Unless they are a new brand of hip and are pronounced with a "C". I'm voting on the HMF fuck up.

Soul of Charles Buddy Murphy- Same with this act. Its like they were added after the linthead started the flyer and he/she/fab was too lazy or incapable of editing it. At least this act has a letter "C" in their name, but still....Disqualified!

Choking Susan- "I Hate My Life"- This song obviously based on the "Bryan Metro Covers the HMF" Story. These geezers have been around forever. I can taste the dust puffing off of their IUD's. I hate this preview.

The Cult of Space Skrull- Didn't bother to look them up. Theater twerps.

Coastwilde- "Everyday"- Local rap. Catch it on a showcase bill if that's your thing. Camp in for the evening, skip the Covid shuttle/cab (Hamtramck cabs? hahaha), or car pool.

CRS RBN- I'm not looking that up.

DJ Deadphone- Another flyer alphabet error. DJ Disqualified. Plus I don't preview amateur hack DJ's.

Craig Brown Band- The Local Hall of Fame Legacy Act (along with George Morris) who has had a thousand opportunities all at the expense of younger, more talented acts, and stuck the landing on none of them. El Club bartender? Poof. Countless local bands with co-headlining slots? Yup. Third Man Records signee? Yep. Bust. How do you fuck that up? Now in real estate I think. Just as vacant a future as your average Detroit property. Not Hamtramck though. The property there is sneaky good and always on the move. The fix is in. But that's for another post...

Alright, that's it for Part 1 of the 2021 Hamtramck Music Festival preview. It was a chore. I have had better Part 1 previews in the past. I feel I didn't quite stick the landing on this one, and my mental makeup has taken a hit because of it. However, as much as the current society would encourage me to do so, I WILL NOT QUIT ON YOU. I will not give up because I had a subpar Part 1 and leave all of you hanging and the other local media outlets scrambling to cover the void left by me being a quitter. I will never allow that to happen. Whew, anyway, it was good to see you again. Come join me in a day or two for Part 2, Letters D-J. Let's have fun, one more time out of 5.

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

JCM Celebrates the END Of June. The Lavender Variant, Guest Columnist, and Almost Football Season

 From the National Affairs Desk-

Well sweet Jesus here we are sitting on the cusp of another month, the official beginning of summer in my eyes, and just a few (long) weeks away from the start of Football Season. I'm going to make this update quick. No notebooks, no longhand drafts, no first edit (despite all jokes, those do exist here), just me shooting from the hip with some bullet points, and thankfully putting an end to what used to be a pretty fun month that of course has been ruined by those that have everyone's best interest in mind, including YOURS, but only if that best interest is something even they don't believe in. Let's roll.....

-What Happened To June? Fear, Hate, Misinformation in What Used To Be Age Of Love.

     Seriously....what the hell happened to June? It used to be a month of hope. Kids getting ready to stomp what was left of the first half of the year (and winter depending on where you live, or god forbid CANADA), the Sports Desk in full swing with the playoffs and championships for Hockey and Basketball along with Baseball in full form, the US Open among other major golf events, Wimbledon, cuppa horse races, and the time not spent gambling on these events being spent with a bunch of know-it-alls in some Madison Heights bowling alley meeting not to actually draft, but DISCUSS drafting, their fantasy football teams for the season. Yes, that's right, its almost Football Season. And if sports isn't your thing, let's say you prefer history and/or social improvement, this past June saw Juneteenth become a real deal national holiday....finally I might add. Also pride month was in full swing, and I have to tell you that I haven't seen as much focus and energy into that, well, since last year, but that doesn't change the fact that it seemed to be EVERYWHERE. Allow me to be serious. Take a few seconds to prep yourself. Okay, now take a few seconds more. I can wait. There's still one and a half days left in this month as I type this. I'll even start a new paragraph because yabba dabba doo this next thing will absolutely blow your mind.

Okay. As alluded to above, this past month saw an increased focus (some would even say Sensory Overload) with Juneteenth, Pride Month, and a Justified Push for Civil Rights Reform. I can proudly say that I am living in a time in history, THE time, where we as a society are at its peak in terms of multicultural and sexual and any other ual's social acceptance. WAIT! I know what you're thinking, "Here he is being cynical again..." But its true. Think about it. Would Juneteenth have been made a national holiday in 1969? I think not. Would we be at a stage where we are having completely civil and polite dialogues with each other on social media regarding things like public restrooms. equal representation in entertainment, hell even trans athletes being able to compete in sports way back in the 1980's? Would shows like Pose, Chad, and Catwoman be greenlit in 1992? No fucking way. The best you got back then was Red Hot Chili Peppers covering Stevie Wonder in a MTV ad while Kurt Loder and Tabitha Soren took a smoke break (those were still legal then) and cursed ye gods that they were born two decades too early. To summarize: This is an awesome time to be alive! 

So, can someone tell me why then are we SO FUCKING MISERBLE? I don't have an answer to that, but after all the positive things I just listed up there I still turn on the tv and see horrible things like yet another violent protest, another kid shot (usually with a sibling "just playing"), another stranger shot (usually at a party or Times Square), the entirety of social media, not just a cross section but ALL OF IT complaining, fighting, crying, whining, begging. Can somebody please tell me what the endgame is? What does everybody want? What can I do, as an individual, to make a single person happy? To give a single person ZERO excuse to say "I am so unhappy right now". There is no explanation. Some would probably say "Well, its because you're This and That, and never had to deal with This" (fill in the blanks I've heard it all before). Yes that's true. Sorry I can't help that. But hey, I had to deal with This and That (fill in the blanks as well). Here's the deal, everybody but a select few get fucked over in life, everybody in their own way. Some more than others for sure, but I covered the Oppression Olympics in the last post with the horse racing thing. I really, honestly, believe that people are fully committed to being miserable and they have no interest in being happy. I'm not saying everyone, but if you see some rib sucking waterhead whining on social media and taking 45 minutes to figure out what profile pic filter to use that week that is a sure-fire sign that they are one of those that cultivates misery, wallows in it, and would have zero fucking idea what to do if they allow a single moment of happiness in their life. It would be like a junkie up and quitting smack. If one of these fuckers realized, just for a moment, that "Oh hey, today was one of the good days" a brain bubble the size of Lisa Joan's ego would burst in their miserable little head. I usually deal in hyperbole here, but I honestly semi-believe that. Lets trademark it the "LJ Brain Bubble Theory". This rant has gone far too long and there are a few other things I'd like to touch on. Happy things. Things to look forward to things. I'm warning you now. If you feel you do not have the ability to process something positive right now then take this time to head over to JSB or Deastro's page and take a bath in the tepid, dank, waters of virtue signaling and come back when you think you are ready for a concept as foreign as happiness.

Goodbye June, You Dour Fucker. What's Next, The Boys/Girls/Etc's of Summer, and The Return of the Fest.

     By the time you read this it will be around June 30th. This is a very important day. A day of excitement. A day of Anticipation. And a day of Reflection. "Well, it is the last day of June" you may be thinking. That would be correct. "Well, what can I virtue signal in July then? Shit, this will take work" others may be thinking. This also, and unfortunately, is correct. On a base level lets just say that the end of June/beginning of July is a chance for a new beginning. Lets call it the official start of summer. I know some of you oatmealheads are already on their 2nd draft of "Why The 4th Of July Is Bad" to be posted on their Facebook at 11:59pm July 3rd so their echo chamber of like-minded fruit fly friends can give themselves virtual high fives and get back to pissing and moaning due to fear of being content aka my whole "LJ Brain Bubble Theory". That's fine if that's what makes you happ...I mean miserable. For me, June 30th has a very special meaning. 

Let me give you a roll call of the fallen:

4th of July, Anniversary of Pops Passing, MLB/NBA/NHL All Star Games, Dream Cruise (hahahaha), Labor Day, Presidential Debates, Birthday, Everyone's Birthday, Devil's Night, Halloween, Election Day, Thanksgiving Eve, Thanksgiving, First Snowfall, Holiday Shopping, X-Mas Eve, X-Mas, New Years Eve, New Years Day, Bowl Season, National Championship, MLK Day, Jan 6th Madness, Inauguration Day, April Fools Day, Valentines Day, March Madness, Super Bowl, Sports Gambling Legal in Michigan, Creation of the Sports Desk, Opening Day, Wrestlemania, 1st Tigers Game of the Season, 1st Tigers Home Game of the Season, Casinos, Memorial Day, NBA/NHL Playoffs, Academy Awards (j/k), 1st Day of Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer, Juneteenth, St. Patty's Day, Pride Month, and others I'm probably forgetting. Only things missing-Restaurants, even after everything reopened. Millers. Nope. Buddys. Nah. HQ. Sigh. None. All by design, everything calculated, and this time there was no error.

Yeah, so its basically every notable event/holiday within a calendar year. Well, the significance for me is that for each one of these events listed above I did it without a single alcoholic drink. My last drink of 2020 was around June 30th so starting with the 4th of July until now, zippo. I was actually going to write a novella about the process and even started taking notes. However, I quickly realized that it was going to end up the most boring, mundane fucking novella in the history of man. Even more boring than this post. It would be so special to tie it all together with some sanctimonious drivel about how after a year I was a better, more complete person ready to contribute even more to society, but that would be a lie, so I scrapped the entire project. I see a lot of people in similar situations say that life is so much better and clearer sober, much more enjoyable. Well, cool I guess? Good for them, and I say that with utmost sincerity. Are you telling that to everyone or are you telling that to yourself? Okay, that was mean, but you get the point. Anyway I did this bullshit because of my own free will, completely by choice, mostly because I wanted to see how easy it would be. And it was! Totally easy. The first week or so was a stretch as expected, but by July 4th I was ready to roll with a bag full of explosives and mortars, excited to start the writing project. Then.....I lost interest. The bag is still laying around, unused. It was a foreshadowing of what was to come. The writing crashed to a halt aside from a few inspired election season posts. The notebooks could be with the fireworks for all I know. It wasn't like I was making an effort to seek them out. 

     Now this Verrrrrrry Cynical attitude is most definitely skewed by the pandemic which eerily coincided with this fun journey so any conclusion is not completely accurate. The options were limited. Friends disappeared. But all that would not have changed my decision. I acknowledge that. On the plus side my bloodwork shows everything is healthier than it has been since 2003. That has to mean something right? It does. My clear head got me motivated to do better for those I care for, work harder in an age when working less is actually encouraged. And I absolutely have to note that all of those events were not negative or bad at all. They were....nice. However, my clear head amplified my absolute annoyance with what the world has become, one big infighting bummer. Did it translate to better writing, more output? No, when it should have. So we have this paradox. On one hand the physical benefits are kind of nice, especially not having to deal with panic attacks every other day. Actually I should say, it has to be nice for people who care about me not having to deal with my panic attacks every day. On the flip side of the mental POV (full disclosure, there are no demerits on the physical side), as my man Jack Torrance said, what about all that irreparable harm that its caused ho ho ho? I can't answer that.

     This is already turning into a novella. To wrap this segment up, anyone who knows me knows I love to push the cringe/shock/frustration envelope just like many of my influences (Hi Andy!). For a while my plan was to build up this big countdown to One Year!!!! even having a ticker. Then some random unremarkable day in the twenties of June I would have a few Oberon's as those who were following the ticker would yell "Nooooooooo" in unison. I actually almost did it but substituting water for the beer, but like everything else this past year I lost interest. The thing is, I had an infinite amount of opportunities to break the streak, but never did. Why? For my health? For my sanity? Because of some meaningless date/number (CDC I'm looking at you)? Nope. As with everything, it was because I could do it, wanted to do it, and as I hit the publish button, I did it. And it was easy. And that was how the novella was to end. Boring right? Moving along....

Oh wait, before I get back into character (because that's what this is) I have to say that the above tangent in no way is meant to marginalize anyone who has a drug/alcohol/etc issue. Everybody processes these things differently, and the last thing I want is somebody dealing with that seeing how flippant I am about this and questioning their own mettle. Keep in mind that I am a disliked POS whose life is a textbook of missed/failed potential. I'm just a mild sociopath with an above average friend/support system. I am not a good person. If anyone reading is or knows anybody who is having challenges find that support system, and if that is rough, here:

Michigan Addiction Helpline- 800-241-4949

24/7- 866-520-2708

MI Health & Human Services- 800-648-6942

National Substance Abuse Helpline (if you're like me and have Zero trust in those running the show in MI right now)- 800-622-4357

Fuck it, message me even. Just don't sit on it. It Doesn't get better.

Back In Black, Return To the Rat Race, and the Revenge of the Fun Hogs.

   With the pandemic on the downswing (or at least in stasis while variants are being processed in time for the mid terms) Michigan has already begun the process of getting back to its mediocre self. I love to have my event previews and am looking forward to doing them again. I am being sent events daily by Constant Readers who want to keep me aware of what's going on around town, and/or want me to roast it, or are even performing and would welcome the free publicity. I have already missed a few of them like the Hoe Army Bikini Car Wash which I covered last year (sober and scarred for life). I guess they had a wet t shirt contest this year so I guess its good I missed it because it would have crashed my year of sobriety goal. I also missed previewing the Leni Sinclair Jazz, Blues, & Soul Photo Show. I am a big fan of photography. The Fappening was a signature moment in my life. I remember taking the week off to cover it, and to this day it remains the single most read post in this site's history. I need to update the dead links and re-up that one. Captain Marvel I'm looking at you. No really, I'm looking at you right now. Oh, back to the Sinclair Photo Show, I would have loved to have previewed it because it featured a rare DJ Set by DJ Marcie Fundme. Oh well, you can see the flyer here:

Lets stop living in the past. The summer and beyond have a wealth of options for everyone wanting to get out and spread their non-Covid germs and viruses. I will try my best to preview and cover them all. Just a few that have been submitted for judging are Pig and Whiskey, DIY Fest, Punk Rock BBQ, and even those pig fuckers at the Hamtramck Music Festival are coming out of the woodwork to try that again hoping people would have forgotten about the poor business models, shitty booking, crooked venues, tax "challenges", and questionable $$$$. Don't worry, I haven't. I look forward to previewing each of these individually especially seeing what bands are booked for each. Anybody new for me to crush their dreams of being the next White Stripes in a public forum? Based on the Punk BBQ its going to be the same old shitty geezers, but I hope to be surprised. Please send me event pages and flyers so I can mark my calendar and work on covering them. It actually takes a bit of time. I may also attend some protests so let me know those as well. I have my signs made!

I also have started writing "my take" on the whole Royal Oak Main Art Theater closing down. As expected I got bored with it, but feel obligated to finish it. I feel you deserve an outsider's point of view and not some linthead saying "Oh I remember XXXXXXX at the Main Art" on some tribute group in between chugging chicken broth. There are a lot on factors in that deal including money, land, the evolution of Royal Oak, and even Hollywood itself being the death rattle for local independent theaters.

I do have another piece outlined from earlier this year before everyone had the option of getting vaccinated where I went out to some public events and new cities to see how people were adjusting back into society.

My final thing on the horizon is a magnum opus where I will go into the belly of the beast and fully integrate myself into a weekend of chaos with tens of thousands of complete strangers in a total transient town just as the pandemic is about to spring to life again. I am very curious to see how the general public operates in this setting and based on the news cycle now I believe we are doomed. That one I'm really looking forward to, and I have no shame in saying that 80% of it will be written before I even venture out into the wild to firsthand document the downfall of society. Just in case. It was going to be the MLB All Star Game in Colorado because of the controversy regarding Atlanta, but this will be so much better. I fully expected not to return. I really mean that, but then the Hamtramck Music Festival announced its return so I owe you that at least. This update ended up not being quick.

To close I want to try and integrate occasional guest columnists and editorials. If they don't send them directly I will just take them from various public social media. I do have to say that the views expressed are not of the Lavender Blog. That's how it works right? I just want to give others a voice so you're not reading the ravings of some boring white guy. Here ya go.

Wow, holy hell, now that is some beat level poetry. I'm not sure I agree with any or all of it, but hey does it even matter? Golden Rule #14: None of this matters. Act accordingly. This guest editorial thing could end up being....don't say it....resist....its not cool.....fuck....could end up being......Fun.

That's all I have for now slurries. Until then stop whining, get back to having fun, and stop whining.

Coda- A few quick notes:

We at Lavender are on record saying that there may have been zero issues in the election last Fall and the constant debate is hurting rather than helping. That being said when you see the waterheads in charge saying "There was no fraud" on a DAILY basis along with "Most Secure Election in history" and then something like this pops up regarding the NYC mayoral primary you would at least have to understand why some people have zero trust in the media and government...

Add that to every media outlet telling people yesterday that masks may be needed indoors even for fully vaccinated people and that the Delta Variant is potent especially with those with the Pfizer shot and THEN just an hour before I published this the CDC boss said that the vaccines prevent the Delta variant and that masks are not needed for those fully vaccinated you would at least have to understand why some people have zero trust in the media and the scientists who run the show. Anyway go out and have fun. That is fully endorsed by the Lavender Blog... Jesus

From the Iceman Commeth

The Only Survivor of the Too Much Fun Club

Dr. Bryan Metro

Elvis From Hell, JCM Fest, I See White People, and the Return of the Queen

 Writer's Note- "I was all dressed up like Elvis from hell". That's not the first line of this post. That would be, "How did we get away with that?" The "Elvis from hell" line, a song lyric, is the first line of the September post. What I am saying is, yes, I'm already outlining that far in advance. Exciting, right Bubba? A little bit scary too. But I would need your help. Things are slowly getting back to normal. I need the "usual local suspects" to act accordingly and give me something to work with, with a 2021 twist of course. That's all I ask. I'll take it from there. Hell, this post is an example. Give me material and I'll give you fun, laughs, and misery. Not in that order. Ah fuck it. Read about it here.

From the National Affairs Desk-

     "How did we get away with that?" I ask one of my assistants in the National Affairs Suite at the JCM Compound as they drop off a fruit bowl and some printouts that have zapped through the Mojo Wire. The past week has been a tidal wave of emotions and bad memories, jolting flashbacks, forgotten incidents, missing people, and dejected sighs. The last post about the JCM Fest 2021 really socked me awake. I had honestly forgotten that most of the people and acts I ribbed, berated, and mocked even existed. Even days after it was posted I was receiving messages asking "How could you forget about XXXXXXX?" Indeed. How could I have forgotten the fucking Metro Times in a return to making fun of all things local? How bad is it for the Metro Times that even I had forgotten they existed? Jesus, I was the main reason they shut down the comment section on their website that remains shut down to this day. That scab hack Lee DeVito still owes me lunch. To write the JCM Fest post it took a bull session with about half a dozen friends from the local music scene to even remember half the acts, and the other half came over the Mojo Wire while I was typing it up. Cruel messages like "We forgot that balloonhead Jimmy Doom" or "You left out C Johnst." I would wake up at 7am, after only an hour of sleep, sweating, yelling, "How did we leave Danny Dustrod off JCM Fest??! We fucking had an 800 Beloved reference and nobody even knows who that is!" It really was a return to normalcy. The pandemic really was over, but as every waterhead politician with a pulse says, "The work is only just beginning." Statements like this are universally met with raucous cheers from a sea of supporters and political hacks, all diabetic, all on Zoom. I'd like to fantasize that a similar reaction occurred when the JCM Fest was posted. I mean if you want cutting edge local satire why not turn to the master? Anyone else would be like sending a completely unqualified imbecile to manage the border crisis, watching them fail miserably, and then say, "Lets double down and actually give them even more responsibility like voting reform." Only a completely incompetent squid (or the Metro Times) would be that moronic. Based on the feedback I received, I can safely say that people were very welcome to a return to normalcy from my end, even though the Grand Marshall was a terrible Monster recycling the same old Tunde jokes. As always, I digress...

Thank you to everyone who came out to JCM Fest 2021 this past Memorial Day weekend. Yes you read that right. It already happened! And it was a smashing success. It was great seeing everyone again and the acts and side stages were more than excited to be back out there, grindring, performing, lecturing, teaching, and leeching like it was 2018 again. I'm sorry I couldn't publicize the location and times more here but due to "security reasons" (thanks for the great excuse Gretch) I had to keep the hype low key. That didn't stop hundreds from coming out and helping raise a decent amount for animal rescue and my fund to charter a private plane to Vegas in time for the "Elvis from Hell" post (thanks for the great idea Stretch). I would like to do a full Fest review, but I feel it is important to keep moving forward (cue elated cheers from the sycophants and donors). Ah, fuck it, here's a quick rundown of the Fest as it occurred to me as I made the rounds. Besides, the Sports Desk says I need two more overtimes to cover the spread. Denver and Portland, I'm looking at you. We can do this!

JCM Fest 2021 Gonzo Recap-

I arrived to our own Fest late of course because, in typical JCM fashion, I wrote down the wrong location. It was the Riverfront NOT the parking lot/auto sweat shop at PJ's Lager House. The Riverfront is beautiful this time of year and it was also beneficial in that we avoided any fees and taxes for using the area as Detroit infrastructure takes weekends off. I was greeted with mild applause, a returning hero, and after thanking everyone who volunteered, especially the large group of girls from the Lakepointe Yacht Club who were bussed in by a mute Chicano and immediately put to work in the "Big Mike's Human Petting Zoo Tent", I met with my Inner Circle. Time was already fading, and I wanted to make sure everything was going according to plan. I barely made it to the "Cucking" whoops again, "Cooking With Lisa James" (the line was snaked to the train station; scratch that the line was COMING from the train station)

when head assistant Felix Owl informed me that Aubry cancelled his "White Fragility" seminar scheduled for 4pm. Thankfully, we had backup plans for everything. 

   "Get JSB," someone said.

   "I know that man. I forgot he existed. What qualifies him for the white fragility seminar?" I asked. The intern hands me some papers from the Portable Mojo Wire. Jesus, it was a gift from god!

   "Dammit man, this is exactly what and who we need. Why didn't we get him to begin with? Probably booked solid right?"

   "No sir."

   "Well, surely we won't be able to swing this on such short notice. He's probably..."

   "Actually sir, he's not doing anything."

   "Perfect. Make the call."

   "Will do. Our scouts/spys have him currently eating lunch at a soul food restaurant in Birmingham. But sir, there's something else," the intern says as he/she/it hands me another printout, then ducks as my well-trained backhand flies.

   "Dammit.... Has it really gotten this bad?"

After the area stops spinning, I cry out, "Is this timeline correct?"

   "Yes sir, from the 6th of May. This year. 5:51pm."

   "But I thought that Michigan wasn't a hot spot around that time."

   "No sir, it wasn't, but I think his point was..."

   "Fuck off with that. What's the Golden Rule?" I shout.

   "Sir, the Golden Rule is: Never Apologize."

   "No, the other Golden Rule."

   "Sir, the other Golden Rule is: If You Have To Explain Someone's Point, then It Is Not A Good Point To Begin With."

   "Yes," I say proudly, the Biden Amendment, "So enough with that. You're telling me that he's advocating, no fuck it, Encouraging, that a local business be shut down?"

   "Yes sir, but Dr. Fauci said a week later that masks may be needed until the end of the year, but plans can change."

The intern was right. I remember it well. The Dr. Oz TurtleFuck of Pandemics did say something like that around Mother's Day. The old Emotional Manipulation tool. Jump cut!

Wrong way jump cut. That pic was when Dr. Fuckface was running the show as Head of Immunology  at AIDS Central, the National Health Institute in 1988. Yeah, this guy has a history. Jump cut to the future......

   "You fools. The CDC issued a statement a Week after that contradicting everything you've just said. By the time that 7-11 board would even get to the complaint, the mask mandate would have been lifted."

 

Who was I kidding? There would be no "board". They would just cave in to a few psychotics anyway, but nobody was going to stop my ranting. I was on a roll. But one of my interns, Chip I think, was on point that afternoon.

   "Sir, we have reason to believe that no action was taken by the vocal minority band of crusaders led by JSB."

   "Why?"

   "Sir, Golden Rule #3: Psychotic White Liberals Whine A Lot Online But Rarely Actually Do Anything."

   "Get this man a raise. I forgot about that. Hmmmm, I'm cooling off on this replacement idea."

   "Sir, there is this also. You remember the WAB and Emory right?"

How could I forget? We had a few band practices there.

   "Of course I remember. We had a few JCM band practices there. Have I mentioned that I am the Face of the Hamtramck Music Festival?"

The intern hands me another printout. My hands are trembling. I needed a drink, and the Beggars Beer Tent was predictably cashed out.

*Satire*

   "Look at these Yahoo's. It's the fucking Master Race. So typical. Talk a big talk, but when the fat is in the fire, the whole diversity thing goes out the window. The steak is all salt and no pepper."

   "Sir, should we cancel the WAB and Emory for not having a diverse enough staff?"

   "No, that's not our style. We Want them to keep doing their thing. It provides endless entertainment and material. Besides, I'm not sure anybody even goes to Ferndale anymore."

   "I think they do sir."

This intern was finally getting to me.

   "Rubbish. Felix take this intern to the JCM Color Guard and have his tonsils sandblasted off. Then strap one of our Lavender Letter "A" facemasks on him and have Spike dump him off at that 7-11's parking lot. Oh, and cancel the whole fucking White Fragility seminar. People can say what want about the Fest but we have Standards dammit! I mean Dallas is just around the corner teaching a fucking "Me Too" class. Jesus. Let's move!"

     I power walk past all the attractions...

-The Milo Creative Writing Class was merged with the Callwood Journalism Course. Both had been busts and we needed the space for the  Woodman Drunk Tank. Yet even combined, there was still nobody there so we scratched them off for next year.

- The Deastro Vocational Workshop, a late addition, was also a flop.

Chabot actually stopped the course and started begging people to steal his gear so he could start a GoFundMe which was actually the best idea he's had in years. Much more profitable.

- E First no-showed the Tambourine Session as expected so we turned it into a Job Fair and dispensary. 

- A full hour was spent dealing with the mess at the Brisboys Party Boat and Beach Bash. I can't get into specifics here, but it was decided that we would be better off drugging everyone on the boat with the Lithium saved for the Jamaican Queens School of Rock and just sinking the fucker.

- The interns were scrambling to find out what happened to the Hip in Detroit Food Caravan. I just kept walking. One can't eat when there is pressing business to be done.

- George Morris was on his fifth set at the Morris Sleep Tent and I had to deal with complaints and give refunds (the Tent was free).

- I had to break up a fight between two interns who were arguing how to increase turnout for next year. One said we should offer free vaccines. The other said we should offer free tickets to those who were vaccinated. I had them both tasered. 

- Speaking of wasting money and weird incentives, the Gold House "How to Burn Time and Money" class worked out great as I had the crew set up a satellite booth unbeknownst to Tash and Kevin where all the donations really went ho ho ho. The Buy Large Mansions crew and Electric Six would be proud.

- Speaking of missing donations, the Electric Six, #Buy Large Mansions and Psychotics For Chauvin Defense Fund Grifts were a powder keg of a success. However, when 7pm rolled around, the giant firehose meant to blast them all backfired and exploded, sending a giant tidal wave of water onto the Sheefy Mural/Coloring Book Pavilion. Oddly enough, the shit started selling After that mishap. We used extra issues of the Metro Times Sheefy cover story (we had a lot) to soak up the swill.

I was nearing the end of my walk quite pleased by the work out in by everyone. The Fest was an unmitigated, utterly complete, shitshow disaster. I was about to steal some of the beer and pills from the Entomology Breakout when I saw something that made me freeze. I was looking at the "Real Financing" booth sponsored by Jason Von Bondie, Gino, and their new intern Craig Brown. They seemed to be doing well with a decent crowd, all white as predicted. The WAB would be proud. Then I saw someone I thought I recognized. At first I thought that without the makeup and "Look at Me" costumes it was TJ Gooch, but that was impossible as he was teaching the Daggering workshop at the west end of the Fest. No, this brute was none other than Wesley from Limp Bizkit and Queen Kwong. "Oh shit," I thought, our first Trojan Horse. I remembered that bad, evil, noise from a few years ago when every local hack was obligated to say that W.B and C.C were here to save Detroit ho ho ho.

I predicted that it was all manufactured bullshit, the onset of the constant "media memo" that is prevalent today, and they would split at the first opportunity. This angered a Lot of people and got us kicked off the Hamtramck Music Festival that year. Well that along with that whole photo thing. Ah fuck it, read all about it here directly from the fuckos at the Metro Times:

Metro Times Link

Ho ho ho, "I thought that made sense, but it totally backfired and it was a very strange experience."  Anyway, this was the catalyst for the last "boom boom period" here on the Lavender Blog (among other things).

What would this heathen want here at JCM Fest, specifically the "Real Financing" Booth? I kept my distance but had JCM Head Color Guard Desira aim the repaired fire hose that way just in case. After Wes left I ran over and asked Jason what he wanted.

   "Sir, he was looking to sell his house," he whimpered.

   "The one from the show him and the wifey did?"

   "Well, ex-wife, sir. And yes, that house."

   "Holy shit man! Ex Wife? I am so out of the loop. Why wasn't I told this?"

   "Sir, we knew it would interfere with the whole..... no drinking thing."

   "Sir," (another intern), "Actually they were divorced in 2019."

   "Fuck! I was drinking then. Why did nobody tell me? Felix! Have Jason taken out to the train station after they clean up Lisa's mess, slap a latex mask of the chick from The Ruiners on him. Glue it on! Dammit, use My own personal mask then. Drop him off with the vagrants and let them sort it all out. Set up my personal speaker system. I want to Hear the screams. Charge 75 cents or something. Go! Somebody get me Craig or Gino."

   "Sir?" Its Gino. "Sir, Craig left. He said something about searching for the Hip in Detroit Food Truck Caravan."

   "Typical. I figured as much. Is there anything about this house Wes was asking about I should know about?"

   "No sir. If it wasn't for the tv deal and given the cost of inflation and absolute cratering of property value in that part of town, it would be selling at a loss. The *cough* neighborhood, you know."

   "I need this in writing."

   "Here sir," as I am handed a printout from the Portable Mojo Wire, an article from the LA Times, not to be confused with LA Weekly which would hire any shlomo. This had all the details.

Houses For Sale

   "So let me get this straight. I predicted that they would split town. Correct. Semi-blame us. Correct. She filed for divorce and now the house is being sold? Coooooooorrect. Well, at least they are happy. I always respected her work with animal rescue. Okay, enough here."

   "One more thing sir," it was that bulldog, Peter the Freshman.

   "This guy has a history of not getting along with people."

   "Impossible. He was in a band with Freddy D. for years. Besides the LA Weekly thing (link up there) said that it was she who..."

   "No, he's also part of the Cancel Manson crew."

   "Oh? Tell me more"

I am handed yet another printout.

Bad F*ucking Guys

   "Wait, am I reading this right? He played in Manson's band for nearly a year, says he saw..."

   "Implied he was witness to, or at least heard of... we need to cover all the bases here sir. Remember."

   "...Implied that he was witness to, or at least heard stories of suspected funny business, yet didn't say anything?"

   "That's what the article (link up there) says. The quotes are real. They're from the Podcast. No worries, we are completely in the clear even having this conversation. We are sure this entire area is being bugged."

   "Yes, I know. So this piece of work said 'That's all I'm gonna say,' and then proceeds to start gabbing again? Multiple times? We're dealing with a Grade A Squidboy Waterhead here. Why didn't he say anything while in the band?"

   "Sir, it would be wrong to speculate."

   "I understand. That's why I'm asking. According to this article he was not the victim here. Its usually victim mentality to wait and tell the sordid tale..."

   "Sir, you are beginning to speculate again, and I think you have made your point."

   "You're right. And besides, why bother, right?"

   "Exactly sir. Golden Rule #4: In the end, nobody cares."

   "Perfect. This would be a great place to end this conversation, and this post. Wait wait wait! Felix come here. Guys, you have to see this."

   "Sir?"

   "Gentlemen and ladies, Felix here has a gift. You really have to see this. Its magic. Felix. Do the thing!"

   "Sir I'd rather not. Its getting late."

   "Felix. Do the thing. Guys this is great. So amazing. Felix has the ability to do a pitch perfect impersonation of a race track announcer, but instead of horses I wrote him a script that he has memorized and performs once a week when I get bored. Felix do the thing."

   "Okay sir," sigh, as he gets in character hunching his back and grabbing an imaginary boom mic.

   Aaaannnnnnnnnnd there off! And #BLM is in the lead riding high after the Floyd Anniversary but WAIT, here come the Asian Americans around the first turn, gaining gaining, its the Asians in the lead! Oh Bruce the irony the irony. We are three laps in and ohhhhhh boy, out of nowhere, here the the Jews. They are only down by a nose, but boy look out, they have Just taken the lead!! Jewish Americans with the comfortable lead but oh dear LOOK OUT, THE PALESTINIANS! The Palestinians have just taken out the Jews. Both horses are tangled up and it looks like they will be for a while, and are falling behind the pack. Out of the race, but I feel we will be seeing them again. We have just passed Lap June 1st and the LGBTQ's have just blown by everyone else. June 1ST June 1ST June 1ST, and we're reaching the Finish Line and LGBTQ has just won the Oppression Olympics for the week! The heavy favorites pulled it out. We know they would claw and scrap their way to the crown. There was a big, late, push by the horse from Tulsa at the end, but not enough to overtake the June 1st push. If only the race took place on May 31st we might have had a different outcome. Thanks for watching and tune in next week for your next winner. Can LGBTQ hold on to the crown, it IS June all month after all, or will we see a surge from the Climate Change Waterheads with the start of summer? I for one, can't wait!"

                  *"Memory of those who came before me".... Fucking spare me. What is this, fucking Normandy? Oh shit wait. Did she actually take this, like, literally??????

   There was raucous applause and too many high fives to count. My crew got it, and as cruel it may come off, there was a kernel of truth to it. The sign of true bullseye satire. I should enter it in the next Kresge Arts Fellowship. In the poetry section of course. It was a beautiful moment much like the entirety of that weekend at the first annual JCM Fest.

   "Well crew I think there's nothing more to say or do here. Don't worry about cleaning anything up. Nobody will notice for weeks. Why don't we find that Chicano and have him bus us and the Yacht Club hardbodies back to HQ where we can drink the night away as "Ace of Spades" or "Jeepster" plays on the jukebox until the sun starts to rise and I play the theme from Magnum P.I. because you know what that means.....

From the Iceman Commeth,

Dr. Bryan Metro

*The previous was satire. Most of it entertainment. Some of it true. I'd say a ratio of some sort but the birds are singing and the sun is rising as I wrap this one up. As always, thanks for reading and beware the pigs at all times. As Felix would say in his horse racing voice, "Weeeeerrrrrrrrre in the home stretch here". Indeed we are. Act accordingly. Dr. B.M.

** I don't want this to be a total bummer so let me leave you with a joke...