Out now on Checkers Records Collective, the new LP by JCM, "The Fall of Bryan Metro".

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Tuesday, May 1, 2018

We're Looking For Interns

Hey all, Metro here.  The weather has finally turned.  The tree outside of my writing room at the undisclosed compound has started to bloom.  The Tigers' season has begun and the NBA/NHL playoffs are in full swing.  It is the start of May which means we don't have to listen to that awful Jack White "April in the D' song anymore!  And I have never had so much to write about.

   Okay, that last line was a lie.  I have Nothing to write about.  This is not my fault Detroit, this is your fault.  I can't remember the last time the well was this dry.  Isn't there any geezer out there currently setting up a cash grab scam?  Did anybody OD this week and was not saved by the Narcan kits collecting dust at Hamtramck bars (wow, that feel good story faded pretty quick eh?)? Did JP from the HP run another business into the ground?  Will Caveman and Bam Bam crack the hundred show mark before the first day of summer?  Will Jeff Milo crack the hundred adjective mark in a single article? (Trick question; its every article!)  Will Sadie from Hip in Detroit crack the threshold of a fifth grade reading level?  Will the other girl from Hip in Detroit ( y'know, the plain one) finally win the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest?

   These are all valid questions, but frankly they have been done before.  All of these subjects get tons of hits, but I'm bored of them.  This blog has a shut down date of October 8th, 2018, so I'd really like to make the most of it.  Truth is, I still have a project exposing the Hamtramck Music Festival's permanent corruption, and also an expose on JP from the HP and the timeline involving the Campau Tower closing and subsequent cash grab.  My main concern is that none of you care about these real life things.  You are just happy to be coasting along hoping to be on the next festival and turn the blind eye to all the bullshit that is going on around town.  That's fine.  Promote your brand.  Turn the cheek.  None of you care where the money from the HMF went.  None of you care that John Panich took/stole over $2K from a GoFundMe, did nothing with it, and sold his restaurant. None of you care that XXXXXXXXXXX XXX  OD'd, aside from his immediate family.  None of you care that my "Boarding House Reach" cd/coaster is slowly dissolving due to excess beer and drool.  Thankfully, I have another cd, but really!  None of you care, and turn a blind eye to the Lee charade.  None of you care about Tunde........okay, that last one was a joke.  But actually, true.  My brain hurts.

Let me make this clear:  I am not throwing my Constant Readers under the bus.  This is not a burial, but an opportunity!  This is an opportunity to become a JCM/Metro/Blog Intern!

   This position will get your foot in the local music media.  Okay, that was a stretch because there is no local music media. This position will give you invaluable experience working a crowd in person and online; emphasis online. This position offers equal pay for everyone.  You will make what I make each week.  I will matchka it! Your main job responsibility will be to find me things to write about.  That's it!!!  After that, I will do the leg-work as I have for the past 9.5 years. Just give me the tip.....
   -You feel that JP from the HP fleeced over $2K AND still makes shitty music?  You are intern quality!
  -So, you're a little miffed that there was a recent opioid OD, and get this, Scott T-Shirt Guy was on this guy's friend list, but was too busy with his Narcan kit campaign to talk to an actual person about the pitfalls of addiction but would rather promote it via Facebook via public events.  Christopher Lee (yeah, the guy that nobody seems to talk about, served his country, died on American soil...yeh that guy) says....you are an Intern (another one bites the dust division)!
  - Do you have the ability to make fun of somebody who does not fit the public's perception of what beauty is?  Intern quality!

   Okay, back to being serious.  This intern job is serious business.  You can't just slack off and say "Hey make fun of Fuzz Fest 5!"  Number one, nobody cares about Fuzz Fest 5, and they make fun of that on their own based on the lineup.  All the same acts that played HamFest and I actually saw the excuse "A lot of people in Ann Arbor can't make the drive to Hamtramck."  I'm not kidding here.  People said that.  That was their excuse.  Okay, fuck Fuzz Fest 5.

  Please keep in mind, and this is the important part, that this internship has risks....

- You will have to help edit/re-up/find better links for thousands of posts dating back to 2008.

- You will most likely be harassed by neo-nazi metalheads DEMANDING the blog be shut down because "It iz muh opinon". Pay no attention to them as they are easily detected: Overweight, beard, generic tattoos, bullying threats, failed bands of their own, mostly hanging out at/work at Smalls.  C'mon, you know the type. Justin Felix,and Matthew Reed, Ize lookin at you.

-You will have to come up with alternative names for these failed bands.  Her Dark Doorman, Her Failed Host, Dean Wormer's Fat and Stupid Insult are all taken.  So step it up!

-  Your real job will be targeted.  I worked at a five star hotel and one day I was called into the HR office because of puss complaints because of this blog.  It started out tense, but by the end, we were all laughing.  The, this past year, some fucking retard, posted on Facebook the name of my employer, North Central Positronics, imploring them to fire me due to this blog. These are the lengths that people will go to, so as an intern, please be careful.  However, North Central Positronics is a work of fiction from the Stephen King Dark Tower series.  This dude tried to get me fired from a corp that DOESN'T EXIST!  I run the NCP FB page, yet these people still want me fired from a fake corporation I actually manage.  Okay, this may be the easiest internship of all time!

So c'mon constant readers.  Give me something to work with.  Local music isn't doing it, and this site will be shut down by North Central Positronics on Oct. 8th, 2018.  Lets at least try to make it interesting.  Or don't.  Like I, or anybody else around here, gives a shit.

*  If you are interested in the position feel free to contact me via the comments, Facebook or e-mail at bryanmetro1@hotmail.com.  Doffs get first priority.

Making Tomorrow, Today,
Bryan Metro.


Anonymous said...

The ramblings of a moronic half wit. Who reads this crap? Surely Metro's family/friends which must number, what a dozen?

Constant Reader said...

Are the death threats part of the compensation package or are those exclusively for management(you)?

Bryan Metro said...

Who reads this crap? Fuck if I know. But it's about a thousand weekly which eliminates family/friends because that's about 6. To comment #2 the death threats are not part of compensation because they are made by retards who attempt to use fear to shut down this blog when they're not catching the latest Cheetah Chrome show at Smalls.

Anonymous said...

just reading your blurb about jp discredits you way hard.

there's no conspiracy. he bought new equipment for campau tower, fell behind in paying rent, landlord made a deal with his business partner, he got forced out, lost the equipment and stayed in the building because JP sucks at business. nice guy, sucks at business.

the shit makes tacos now because everyone in the area knew he got fucked and stopped going there.

everybody knows the story, dimwit.

Bryan Metro said...

Your narrative lost me. The line "the shit makes tacos now" discredits you because it makes zero sense. So Campau Tower now makes tacos, but JP makes tacos too? I know he does pop ups at the 501(c)3 non profit Ant Hall. All I need to see is the receipts of the "new equipment" at Campau was was "installed" just before it was sold and I will be fine about it. Until then, questions still are out there. He may suck at business, but lets simplify it and say he just sucks. And not everybody "knows the story" because it was never properly covered by local media aside from the change in ownership and I have people messaging me to look into it. Its shit like this you will miss when I shut the blog down Oct. 8th.