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Friday, May 11, 2018

Top 10 Most JCM JCM Moments

Metro here.  One thing we (and by we, I mean me) at the JCM/Lavender Blog won't deny is that we love to talk about ourselves.  Since nobody answered my job posting to be an intern, I have started early restoring all the old posts, going backwards.  Right now I have around 500 posts live and 1550 to go.  Of course, such a daunting task made me nostalgic, so I'm taking a brief break to make a list because everybody loves lists!  The Top 10 Most JCM JCM Moments.  With parent company North Central Positronics/Sombra/LaMerk shutting the blog down on Oct. 8th, 2018, I wanted to list some classic moments, all of which can be found in the archives once they are fully restored.  This is especially cool for the newer Constant Readers who have no clue who Ryan Allen is (spoiler alert:  Nobody does).  So lets take a trip down memory lane and revisit some greatest hits.  Who knows, you might learn something, ya dummies.
     One final thing I have to note is what in the fuck happened to just having fun?  I swear, the concept of fun is impossible in 2018 unless it includes 500 disclaimers to ensure that every demographic is represented.  Now don't get me wrong, every demographic should be represented, or to better put it, have the opportunity to partake in the fun but good lord, one cannot post or do anything these days without it being dissected on social media.  It all started in early 2017, maybe late 2016, and it made me not want to perform live anymore.  Now in 2018, I don't even want to be around anymore.  Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything silly, so don't contact Six Feet Over on my behalf.  But I was talking with a friend the other day and made the point that it would be impossible for a JCM to exist in 2018, with the things said and did.  Completely impossible.  And it kind of made me a little bit sad, but then I realized that the list below, which in no way is comprehensive of everything that happened in those ten years, is a beacon of hope for all the young(er) artists out there to remember the most memorable moments usually stem from going against the grain and not trying to please everybody who has a Facebook account and a block button. Rather, know your target audience, but in the end be true to yourself and your art/statement/whatever because that is so much more rewarding. This is me at my most earnest.  So lets stop being so fucking sad and look back at these Top Ten Memories.

Honorable Mention- The Mini Feuds- There always has to be an honorable mention right? In the 10 years of JCM's existence we probably feuded with every band around.  I always targeted the bands that I perceived as being shoved down everyone's throats.  In 2017/18 it was the Craig Brown Band.  Before that waste, it was Lonely Tunde.  Before that it was the Jamaican Queens, Zoos of Berlin, Hard Lessons, Friendly Foes, Electric Six.  Aside from E6 (who's push was bought and paid for) what do all of those have in common?  Despite the local media reach-arounds, they all fell flat on their faces.  So I was right all along.  I sense a trend forming here.....  Then of course there were the feuds with other blogs like Hip in Detroit and music venues like Small's and their neo-nazi door guys whose real job was just that and not trying to change the world being in a band like Her Dark Host.  These "feuds" were ultimately harmless, aside from a few hurt feelings, but it did illustrate that nobody really cares about the local music scene around here unless there is a bit of danger or controversy. Does anybody want to read about Tunde's take on the Flint water crisis when EVERY PERSON IS IN AGREEMENT?  It's boring.  I wouldn't expect anything less considering the source.  Should have went after Golden Corral changing their lunch menu policy that you now have to buy a beverage to get the lowest deal (just don't get the water).
Top Ten

10. The Jimmy Doom Saga-  This guy is a fucking idiot.  Also, the most recent entry on this list.  For those of you who don't know him (everybody?), he is a failed musician and a failed actor who last I heard slings drinks in Hamtramck.  One of my biggest mistakes was adding him on Facebook in 2017 (thanks Carolin).  I was subjected, no tortured, with a year's worth of pandering and begging to come to his bar.  He fancies himself the local Dennis Miller, except he sucks.  He put me over the edge when he started making jokes about selling Narcan whippets then backtracked like the pussy he is after the opioid narrative caught on.  After calling him out and subsequently blocked, he cried to his FB followers (an alarming number) that I tried to ruin his acting career.  That was the first time he actually was funny. I would like to take this moment to apologize to James Kenneth Mangina for costing him his spot on "Outside the Actor's Studio". A total waste of space.  A lot of space.

9. The Kelly Oxford Saga- The female Jimmy Doom; except she's actually somewhat successful.  She's someone who married into money, popped out some kids, and spends her days doing nothing but posting on Twitter.  Another goof who thinks she's more witty than she is.  I probably spent a whole year in the 2000-teens goading her into a feud.  The highlight probably being her messaging me saying she has a printout of this blog hung up in her office (the kitchen?) to inspire her to do better.  That never happened.  Not sure what she is up to today.  I'm also blocked. She did get the Lavender Blog an increased amount of national hits so, for that, I thank her. Ok, not really, lonely housewives are not my demographic.

8. The Matthew Dallas Saga- Ah yes....this one went down before everyone around town/social media started giving a shit about women's rights and sexual misconduct.  This dude Matthew Dallas (real name Adam Galanak) had a makeshift label (No Wave, then Electric Corpse) and was a semi-big local scene dude.  Welp, turns out he was a sex offender.  Minors, Dude, as Walter would say. Even better.....nobody around here even batted an eye.  He still played around town, set up fests, etc.  Well.....almost nobody.  Thanks to JCM the label quietly went bye-bye while all your Milo's and Melody's looked the other way.  This blog was 2017 before 2017 was cool.  All you SJW's from Hamfest 2017 please, I'm begging you, where were you then, and tell me I'm wrong. I guess it was okay then, but not really.

7. The Debut Novel- It started out as a gimmick in 2008, "The Invisible People", the debut novel of Bryan Metro.  Then it kind of became a real thing, even having a reading/show at the Ferndale Library in 2010.  To everyone who signed up on the mailing list I promise to have an update soon, eight years later.  Then it became a gag as I kept promoting it but never delivered, prompting anonymous commenters to hurt my feelings saying it will never come out.  Well, I am happy to say the novel is complete.  It is sitting on a shelf next to me in my Dogan office.  Will it come out before the blog shut down date of Oct. 8th?  What do you think?

6. The Fappening- In August of 2014 nearly 500 private photos of famous people were leaked to the internet, prompting an increased awareness of internet security, and to a lesser degree, common sense.  I woke up that morning and immediately took two vacation days from the hotel.  The pictures are easily found today, but at the time, sites were being zapped by the hour along with fears of legal action.  So by 2pm that afternoon (and five beers), I decided to run with it and do a Top 10 list.  Poor taste?  For sure.  Shrewd? You betcha!  To this day, it remains the most read blog post in its history, averaging 6,000 hits....per day that year.  If only I had enabled ads on this site, I'd be rich, which makes this a total JCM moment.

5. The First Post- It all started on Oct. 8th, 2008 with an innocent post about celebrating a birthday (mine....duhhhhh).  Back then, the JCM thought that we could break through the Detroit glass ceiling by music alone.  We were wrong.  Plus we never practiced.  So we became the blog that is also a band.  The only one.  Ever.  The rest is history (and will be uploaded soon).  This First Post will be up here as soon as I get to it.  Spoiler alert: It won't be the final post on the shut down date of Oct. 8th.  Too lazy/easy.  I also want to thank North Central Positronics, the Sombra Corporation, and LaMerk Ltd. for all of the trust and resources they pumped into this blog for the past 9.5 years.  I took my suspensions like a man and hope to have another job waiting for me after Oct. 8th, possibly even a supervisor in the Beamquake division. Xoxo

4. The 2014 Blowout Coverage- I was particularly salty this year being left off of Blowout so I set up a Kickstarter and raised $75 to buy a Blowout wristband so I could give honest coverage that would not have been provided elsewhere by the Milo's and Melody's.  So, I went and had three days of photos of empty venues in Detroit, Ferndale, and Hamtramck.  I also had an exclusive interview with the owner of a venue who pulled out after Day 1.  Metro Times' excuse: "They couldn't handle the fun."  Is their editor like 50 or something??  True to form, Blowout had us back the next year, the final Blowout, in a headlining slot no less.  All of the bands on our bill cancelled the week of the event and MT threw up their hands and just let me book the venue.  I did, and made sure that whoever played was snubbed by the event bookers.  These were people who actually cared about their craft, and I gave them a second chance.  I could have easily asked George Morris who would have responded with a signature "yeahhhheaaaahhhh", but no.  But I'm the "bad guy".  I've been told this was the best work I have ever done.  Maybe it is.  It's up in the archives for you to decide.

3. The Blowouts- Sticking with the Blowout theme, our actual shows there were classics.  Our first was 2009, at the very first Blowout, after we established ourselves as real shit talkers, yet never played any shows. I'm not one to brag but to this day, I am the only person who performed at a Blowout/HamFest to actually leave their set and attend another venue's set.  I also did much of the set with a paper bag on my head (RIP Eat This City).  The next year we had the Inglourious Basterds show where our street team collected over 1000 Metro Times that we attempted to set fire to.  This was also the year where we sat in with four other acts playing vintage tambourine.  Our next one (2013?) was the Spring Breakers show where I had the pressure cooker filled with local cd's ready to blow.  The last show at the last Blowout was the Jonestown Massacre show with the Flavor Aid for everybody in the audience.  We killed that one.  Pay no attention to the fact that every show but one was a threat to the crowd. Once again, none of this could ever happen today.  Blowout was always our Wrestlemania, and while we have had a ton of clunkers outside of this timeframe, we always stepped up for it.  Plus we got people talking about it.  Can Zander Michigan say the same?  Tell me I'm wrong.

2. Hamtramck Music Fest 2017/Ben's Encore-  The start of the downfall.  I (temporarily) went insane, causing the demise of the band part of JCM, when I thought it would be clever to post sexy time pics of an act during my act by act preview.  It only took two days for us to be kicked off the Fest, along with a few other acts once the witch hunt went full throttle.  At this moment I'd like you to go back and re-read Number 8, the Matthew Dallas Saga....Okay, done?  Yeah, that's what I thought.  Nothing to see there back then.  After being booted, I was sad of course, but then guitarist Peter the Freshman discovered that the fest's sponsor Ben's Encore was not an actual charity.  Of course I ran with it.  Six months later they had filled out the proper paperwork and as of this year, no longer sponsors HamFest.  To everybody who says nobody reads this blog I offer exhibit A, and it's only number 2 on the list.  Although I think this was my most satisfying moment in the blog's history, picturing the geezers on the HamFest committee board just sweating.  Sweat everywhere.  More moisture than Sadie Hip In Detroit's bib at Slow's bbq. Greatest moisture ever.

1. The Detroit Music Award- What else did you think it would be?  In 2009, after just one year (and four shows), we won the Detroit Music Award for Most Outstanding Electronic/Dance Group defeating the likes of Matthew Dear and Deastro (oh, go ahead and add him to the "shoved down the throat" list).  At the event we stole Ted Nugent's family's VIP passes and went backstage where nothing bad happened.  In the years that followed, we amassed a staggering 20 nominations, all without a win.  The only artist with a worse winning percentage is Carjack at an embarrassing 0.00%.  But for that one day, that one moment, the five months of non-hard work, the constant bullying of other local acts who practiced weekly and called playing Simon's After Dark a success, it all was worth it.  The JCM were kings, the Crimson.....no, the Lavender Kings.  And that is your Oct. 8th, 2018 spoiler alert.

So that's it.  A top ten list that could easily be 20+.  I mean who could forget the JCM causing the People's Art Fest at Russell Center to be cancelled forever, along with me being fired from my job as beat reporter for Motor City Blog?  I could do a top ten list alone of venues the JCM has been banned from.  A top ten list of times Elle from Elle and the Fonts almost made out with a member of JCM.  The only top ten list I wouldn't be able to fill would be the times that we practiced.  And to this very day it makes me smile how many people that last fact pissed off.  And thank you to all the Constant Readers over the years.  It's not over yet.  It's getting close, but not yet.  I am trying to upload at least 50 old posts from me a day, but I also still want to have original content. October is five months away so I hope to have at least one more Classic Post/Bombshell or at least some nudes of Marcie Bolen. Stay tuned slurries!

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Remember the first Hamtramck Music Fest that JCM almost singlehandedly put on the map? When HamFest was everything corporate bloated ego political Blowout no longer was (before it became its own corporate bloated ego political shit fest). All the fights - all the hype - and JCM delivered at the end. #triumph

Sadie's still a pig.

Bryan Metro said...

a/s/l?

Anonymous said...

Shame on you

Bryan Metro said...

For which entry?

Anonymous said...

I remember the first Hamtramck Music Fest and the JCM show. Cleared a packed house in under two songs. The venue could not believe how quickly the place emptied out. Yes, JCM delivered -- an early close for the Baker's bartenders.

Bryan Metro said...

Ummmmmm nope. Nice try though J., but you are thinking of the show in Toledo in 2009 where I wholly admit we cleared the venue. For Hamtramck Music Fest I actually had it filmed so I could fap to it later. I had specific instructions to get as many crowd shots as possible. The venue looked pretty full during the last song and everybody seemed to be having a good time. The early close for the bartenders is probably because the bands after us all sucked and had no built in publicity factor. Kinda like Seven and the Sixes. The real blame is thanks to the blind ineptitude of the HMF booking committee that can still be seen today.

Bryan Metro said...

Actually I would like to add another Honorable Mention: The badly transparent attempts to GET me. 1)I remember after the shit went down during the 2017 HamFest after I gave them a black eye that can still be seen today, they had a pathetic attempt at a podcast where they invited anyone to come to and "say whatever they want" and it ended up with Bissa sitting around with his dick in his hands. There was no podcast attempt this year or any years before. Hmmmmmmmm. 2)Then one of Jimmy Doom's cronies, a Matthew Reid, spent an entire day threatening me, but once the Fest started invited me to Kellys at this year's HMF to "talk it out" with the promise of no physical harm. Then promptly blocked me. 3)Back to 2017 HamFest, who could forget Hellmouth (whatever happened to them?) actually encouraging people on their page to attend my show with the INTENT of physical harm. You know what? I didn't even report it. In the end, this is all just entertainment, and I am pretty sure that I am more entertaining than the three examples above have ever been. And that....is an honorable mention.

Lo-Fi Bri said...

Overheard at this years Detroit Music Awards: ‘And the 2018 Troll Lifetime Achievement award goes to.. Bryan Metro!'

Dude- I can’t believe you just wasted my time to look this shit up- Carjack was nominated four times (not twenty. lol). Everyone knows that award show is a freakin’ joke and a cash grab. Just ask my mom - Jill Jack Jack, juh juh jack Jack.

Lo-Fi Bri said...

BTW, I still think your most memorable accomplishment is stealing all those Metrotimes and lighting them on fire at Blowout! At Whiskey In The Jar no less

Bryan Metro said...

I found the Jill Jack reference actually witty and funny. You are right with your take on the DMA's

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