Out now on Checkers Records Collective, the new LP by JCM, "The Fall of Bryan Metro".

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Tuesday, January 9, 2018

First Post of 2018!!! A Review!!!

Hey all, Metro here for the VERY FIRST LAVENDER BLOG POST OF THE NEW YEAR, 2018!  Whoa, whoa, whoa.....it's not that earth shattering, so the Strobe's, Asia Mock's, and Seraphine's of the world can exhale and get back to whacking off at Oprah's Golden Globes speech.  Quick tangent! (I know, its only two sentences in), but if Oprah is serious about a presidential run, she made the same mistake that I did last year regarding the Hamtramck Music Festival charity who I discovered had their tax exempt status revoked due to laziness/corruption.  That mistake was me revealing the information too soon, allowing Goofy Ben's Encore way too much time to correct it. And Oprah gave way too much time for people to make meme's like this:
I have something special already in the can for 2018 regarding a local band but I will not make the same mistake.  Curb your opioid addictions and wait till February.

Okay, tangent over! The first post of the year is my review of New Year's Eve at El Club.  I had a VIP Meet and Greet ticket for the Sky Ferreira show.  Those that follow the buzzards on Facebook know that Sky is Just My Type: A broken soul, most likely into drugs, and at times looks like an underage boy.  Oh dear lord, I just described Lee Majors.  Time for a coin flip. Heads= I hang myself, Tails= Finish the post.  One sec........

Okay, so it was tails; back to the review. So I had VIP/Meet and Greet credentials for the Sky Ferreira show at El Club on New Year's Eve. What a clusterfuck!  Leading up to the show they must have switched whoever runs their social media to somebody who couldn't afford Brooklyn, or whoever runs the Wendy's twitter. Trying so hard to be rude (I would know), clever, and hip, but failing at all of them. Repeat requests for set times from people on the event page were dismissed and the set times were eventually posted but with question marks instead of the acts with the flippant comment "Its not that hard to figure out".  This after only two acts were announced. I guess they pulled the same shit for their Thanksgiving show. El Club, come here....it's not funny, cool, or hip.  At least with Woodman or Duende you know exactly where they will be and at what time seven days a week.  Because they play seven shows a week....

So show time. I use my VIP credentials to get out of the freezing cold and am greeted by the coat check girl.  I check my coat ($4 + tip) and proceed to the VIP line.  This is when I was informed that only one item will be signed as opposed to the two items advertised on the El Club website.  So I make the crucial decision to go with the (already autographed) Bryan Metro Hamtramck Music Fest 2014 custom shirt and stuff her Playboy mag cover issue into my pants (Its seen worse).

   Next complaint was that my advocate had to wait outside in the freezing cold even though the event page promised everybody could enter.  I spoke with multiple people in the VIP line who experienced similar situations.  The Meet and Greet was great.  Sky was a peach and I like to think we shared a subconscious moment that I revisited that night while in bed.  She was a little taken aback by the shirt, "Did you make this?", Me, "No, it was Elizabeth First", and she said "Oh" while motioning to security.

  After being removed from the VIP area I made my way to the bar to meet with my frostbitten advocate Jean. While waiting an excruciating time for a drink, I made the observation that Craig Brown is working the bar.  After two minutes of cracking up that 2018 has started early and Third Man Records couldn't even get any takers for his band on New Year's Eve and the poor dude is slinging drinks in Mexicantown, I composed myself and noted that he's not even really bartending.  Also of the note, the "passes" from the band were nowhere in sight.  He was behind the bar but was spending all of his time talking with people at the corner and ignoring the bar lines that got to three people deep to be served.  Looks like his service skills equal his music ones...

   After ordering two drinks from the bartender having to do double duty because Chad Brown is lazy as fuck talking to people about his failed "push" from Third Man, I finally calmed down and surveyed the crowd.  The venue was packed and a chill ran over me when I realized that I was the only heterosexual male in the building.  At first I was encouraged, but then dejected.  It was ten o'clock pm, three hours before my girl Sky even goes on, and I was confident that it would be impossible for me to be around this crowd for three more hours.  Don't misinterpret that; it has nothing to do with sexual orientation, but it was insufferable, like somebody chartered a bus from The Bang! in Ypsi to Detroit.

"We have to go," I say to my advocate two hours before midnight and 15 minutes after misplacing my numbered coat check ticket ($4 + tip). I am dumped off at the coat check area to see a pile of coats like one would see at a holiday get-together in the guest room.  "Go ahead," the girl says as I begin to dig my way through this mess of coats.  For the record, I could have stolen so many personal belongings and car keys but because it was the holiday I declined, but for El Club to leave a borderline drunk sociopath with full access, unobserved, to a coat check is very toxic.  It gave me a flashback to when the QQQ core was in New York and I noticed that somebody left their purse and of course I started rummaging through it and they came back in and caught me.  All I could say way, "I'm sorry, I was trying to rob you."  She was really cool about it and said, "At least you're honest."  I did no such thing at NYE at El Club despite the terrible management and treatment of patrons. And to quote "Less Than Zero", I had a blast at the house with the M.A.D. cats.......After I left.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

A++

Anonymous said...

Did Sky suck you off,,,?

Anonymous said...

You wore a Jack Burton Big Trouble in Little China tank top to a meet and greet in December? By far hilarious and slightly suicidal given the weather.

Bryan Metro said...

Wasn't a tank top. T shirt. Plus I had my beanie. Thanks for reading!

Anonymous said...

It cracks me up to see Charlie Brown referred to as a "beloved" bartender and soundman. Played at PJ's once and the "stage manager" Chuck changed the running order at the last minute. Not a big deal, but when we were hastily dismantling the drums, he stood over us repeating "fuck the other bands, fuck the other bands" then told us to pickup the pace before going back to pace around the room impatiently while grumbling. Majors booked like 5-6 bands that night. Smart.

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