Out now on Checkers Records Collective, the new LP by JCM, "The Fall of Bryan Metro".

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Monday, November 20, 2017

JCM's Hamtramck Music Fest 2018 Application!!

Hey all Metro here.  Welp, even though the holiday season isn't quiiiiiite here yer, I did get one of the best gifts of the year.  The application for the 2018 Hamtramck Music Fest is up and running.  I would post the link here, but that would diminish my probability of being accepted for the 2nd year in a row.  I will post a copy of my application here for full disclosure and submit it later this week (waiting on contact info from new members since everybody retired/was fired/quit).  So, Constant Readers, you get the first peek at the app, even before the HMF committee who is not corrupt at all.  In no way. Zero issues.  Great crew.  Lets go!

Performer/band name *

This is how you will be promoted - please make sure that the spelling is correct before submitting!- Bryan Metro's Jesus Chainsaw Massacre

Genre *

5 words maximum- Slop Fuzz

Please provide a link to your music, ie. Bandcamp, SoundCloud, YouTube, etc.- https://soundcloud.com/jesus-chainsaw-massacre/dressed-to-get-screwed-party

Please provide a link to band photograph-

Please list first and last names of the members of your band and the instruments they play *
- Bryan Metro- Vox, Arthur Heath- Guitar, Elizabeth First- Percussion

Contact information *

Please provide the contact information of two (2) of your band members, including their names, telephone numbers, and email - You need a platinum subscription for that. HMF will get it though.
Bryan Metro
Elizabeth First

Short bio *

50 words maximum - The JCM took the local scene by storm by being the first act to be kicked off 2017's HMF.  Metro then revealed that the Ben's Encore charity did not file proper tax papers for over three years.  When not exposing local corruption, the band plays music.

If you are submitting at the direct request of an HMF booker, please provide their name and the venue they are booking- Hahahahahahahaha.....no. Especially if they want to remain a booker/venue.

Would you be open to playing a daytime set on either Friday, March 2nd or Saturday, March 3rd? *- Like I give a fuck.

Does your band share members with any other band who may be submitting to play at HMF? If so, please list them below - Thank god no.

Did you perform at last year's HMF? If so, which venue? - We were booked at the PLAV #6 for the Saturday Main Event slot until we were removed after Queen Kwong whined, and the HMF committee caved and removed us (the vote was not unanimous bitch).  Post Fest recap:  Queen Kwong has yet to perform another show in Michigan and has actually relocated to New York (after bitching about Michigan on social media), and the band that replaced us, Red Rose, is still a mystery.  Does anybody know who this is?  Did they even play?  Did anybody attend? Have they played a show since?  All decent questions that will never be answered of course because everything is okie dokie. Hamtramck....THIS is your committee!

Would you be willing to help with items to comprise a back line for the night of your performance? If so, list the volunteered items below - That's not my wheelhouse.  I guess so.

*  I'll leave out the FB and website links because you're already reading them.*

Please inform us of any special requests, comments, or needs
This can include, but is not limited to: sound and/or performance needs, or any other information we should know about you - Due to the controversy surrounding last year's HMF, I, Bryan Metro, have removed any further controversy within the band lineup.  They have all been fired, or most likely quit, and I am starting from scratch.  The Asian bass player was fired because he was Asian (and yellow to boot), Peter the Freshman quit because he is Jewish and the HMF does not pay well.  The drummer Suck was sacked because he was anti-semitic.  The lead guitarist was fired for possibly being gay.  I could not confirm, but if somebody says something then it must be true right?  However, the new guitarist, Arthur, identifies as transgender and wishes that this fact does not disqualify him from the Fest and does not want it to affect this submission. Arthur thinks that the transgender demographic would be wonderful for the local music scene, and could really use a figurehead.  To not accept a band because they have a transgender member would be so not 2017.  Finally, as the spokesperson of the band I have these last few requests:  I would not like to be booked at a venue booked by Lee Majors or Josh Woodcuck as they are out of my demographic.  Please keep me away from Gabe "Bad Dye Job" Doofsun because I do not wish to socialize with anybody who has sexually harassed women.  Please do not book me at Kelly's because I do not want my FB timeline flooded with lazy, pandering posts begging people to go there.  I can do that on my own.  And, please do not book me at Smalls.  In addition to hosting the criminal Electric Six cash grab next year, they are also the only venue who books Her Dark Host (wonder why) and I prefer to stay up past midnight and not be bored by a Danzig wannabee (and who would want to be that anyways?) Spoiler alert: a 41 year old.

From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro


Anonymous said...

I'm a friend of Metro, and he can be a dick, but this....
People from Smalls have said he has posted multiple addresses, not true, he only posted one only after they posted his mom's, and said that he posted the bouncer beats his woman.....not true, well it could be true, but Metro didn't say that. No where in any posts on social media or on the blog did he ever say that. Agendas????? People these days suck.

Bryan Metro said...

Ehhhhh...thanks I guess, but I really could care less.

Anonymous said...

Funny, isn't it? Metro is the terrible, no-good, bad guy and yet those guys are actually making shit up in order to play the victim and/or drum up...what? Sympathy? Outrage? Validation? Facebook likes? I don't get it. At least when Metro writes fiction, it's entertaining. Those guys are just pathetic.

Anonymous said...

Are you interested in purchasing some sandals? They're in pretty good shape, barely used.