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Monday, February 20, 2017

HamFest GoFundMe on its way....

My name is Bryan Metro and I operate a blog that reaches thousands of readers a week and you can't teach that.  And I am here to give you a preview of our new GoFundMe endeavour and you can't teach that.  Realist guy in the room, how you doin'?
Well despite all of the politics and "bust-outs" around Detroit these days, it looks like the Hamtramck Music Festival will be moving forward despit multiple bands being kicked off and venues pulling out.

So, its time for another GoFundMe to raise money so Bryan Metro can cover what will surely be a cluster......memorable event.  The goal is quite modest ($10) but the benefits are even better.  I apologize that we are not a 501c3 tax exempt charity, but as of this date nobody else can say that either.  The Hamtramck Music Festival has been mired in controversy this year and only Metro will committ to provide the honest coverage everyone will turn their cheek on.....I mean deserves.  So.....I will be covering the festival, with your help, so everybody knows the score....

The Reward Tiers

$5- "The Anonymous"- For a $5 donation, a scant half of the price of a HamFest wristband, we will give you acknowledgement on this blog, read by thousands weekly.  Of course we would allow you to remain anonymous if you wish, unless you want to be kicked off/banned from the next festival.

$10- "The Outsider"-  For a measley ten dollars you can own an autographed Limp Bizkit CD of your choice (CD must be provided) and it will be signed by our very own local superstar, Bryan Metro.

$15-"The Next Not Thing"- This prize is for a cheaply printed photocopy of a Queen Kwong nude of your choosing personally autographed by.....Bryan Metro.

$25- "The Real Package"- With this reward all of your $25 donations will go to a charity of YOUR choice, and hopefully it will be a verified charity.  Also the JCM will match the GofundMe fees and also donate it to that charity.

$30- "The Hospital Plan"- This reward is really only to help cover Metro's hospital fees...

$50- "The Interview Package"-  Here we have anyone who selects this reward can name any member of the Hamtramck Music Festival Committee and send three questions that we will ask during the festival, anything you want.  If you know any actual members of the committee then you have a jump start.  We just have Eugene Strobe and Lee Rosenbloom, maybe Melody Malosh.  But anyway, for this package we will seek out and ask 3 questions for those who will not answer questions.  On video. at the actual Festival. *Best Value*

$75- "The Asia Mock Package"- For the reasonable price of $75 Bryan Metro will make an ass of himself groveling on stage with a band of your choosing and then complain about it afterwards.

$100- "The Queen Kwong/Golden Pussies Package-  While Metro will indeed be covering the Fest (due to your very kind donations), he has zero intention of covering the band from LA playing the "biggest local music festival in the nation" Queen Kwong and Golden Torso, they of the "in over our heads" variety.  However, with your kind donation of $100 he will waive that policy and cover the set in person with video proof.  Parlay that with the equally reasonable $75 Asia Mock Package and he will grovel at the feet of a band of your choosing.

$100- "The Encore Special"- Whoever donates this we promise to send to Ben's Encore if they can prove they are a 501c3 charity and have filed the proper paperwork for the past 3 years. If not then dinner is on me.
From the Iceman Commeth,
Bryan Metro

47 comments:

Anonymous said...

LOL This...this is priceless

Anonymous said...

That $50 one is actually worth it.

Anonymous said...

I would give you $100 to cover the Torso/Queen Kwong show. That needs to be a reward.

Anonymous said...

^ Needs to be more $$. Think of his poor ears.

Bryan Metro said...

Hmmmmm interesting request. Imagine if somebody purchases the (soon to be) Kwong/Torso Package and then parlays it with the $75 Asia Mock package and chooses Metro to both cover the show along with groveling at Kwong's feet.....

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing Robby will need about a thousand of those "Hospital Plan" donations to cover the cost of the medical care that will be required after two-thirds of the city is done beating the shit out of him.

Bryan Metro said...

Are you referring to the two-thirds of the city who won't actually be there?

Anonymous said...

You be sure to let us all know.

Bryan Metro said...

Once the fundraiser is approved you bet I will. Because, ya know, violence is really the solution. Morons....

Anonymous said...

Hundreds of beta males and size 12 Sadies. I'm sure he's literally shaking.

Though now that I think of it, a herd of hipster heffers with problem glasses would be an ass puckering sight.

Anonymous said...

Aren't all these threats just Sadie spouting off anyway? Idk how 1 person finds so many things to get outraged over

Anonymous said...

Trained at a buffet maybe??

Anonymous said...

She's kind of more than one person.

Anonymous said...

You think that's outrage, imagine Sadie at Ponderosa when they run out of cheesy potatoes.

Anonymous said...

Hey hey hey back off....this is not a gofundme for a buffet, its a gofundme for a buffet of the best bands in Detroit (one from LA) playing a fest that is sponsored by a charity that is in tax exempt revocation.....

Anonymous said...

How about a $20 reward to convince Woodman, why by all accounts is a good guy, to stop shilling for these fucks taking advantage of him and his following, relegating him to be a glorified mascot for the Hamtramck Music Fest!!!

Anonymous said...

LOL they must have pics of Woodman hanging out with Lee or something...

Anonymous said...

Out of Lee's age range.....

Anonymous said...

Is the autographed Kwong pic a nude??

Anonymous said...

Yes, slightly used.

Anonymous said...

Just think, after the festival you'll go from irrelevant to completely irrelevant.

Anonymous said...

whos brian metro? arent you robert starosiak? lol

Bryan Metro said...

I'm whoever you want me to be and have nothing to hide. All I do is speak my mind and offer a forum for others to do so. I can't control what they say, but if you want to refer to me as Robert then feel free. No censorship here. I'm here....and follow the buzzards...

Anonymous said...

Then why do you keep deleting all of your HMF related posts?

Bryan Metro said...

Personal decision because I don't think they deserve the slightest of publicity. Good enough answer? Well then just wait. Slacker. You do realize that I have done more publicity for the Fest than themselves. Drink it in mannnn the Gift of Metro.....Sturr.....Starossiakiack

Anonymous said...

Meh. Seems like a cop out excuse. When you claim neutrality and the presentation of a free speech forum, then delete posts when the water's actually startin' to boil, that sort of seems like hypocrisy.

Bryan Metro said...

Go to another site then that lets you post your thoughts.....

Anonymous said...

Metro was kind of hot in high school. Clockwork Orange cosplay in a catholic school where 99% didn't get it.... even then he was trolling the idiots.

Bryan Metro said...

A/S/L

Anonymous said...

Metro does not age......

Anonymous said...

Up the $ amount on the Asia package so we can maybe get her at least 1 therapy session

Anonymous said...

LMAO @ the failed attempt to harass Metro

Anonymous said...

Metro >>>> idiots in high school

Metro >>>> idiots in Detroit local "music scene"

Anonymous said...

Does anybody know what time Tony's I-75 in Birch Run closes at night on a weekday? I went there last weekend and they closed up at Sunday 9pm which seems a little early for a place that serves that many eggs. Anyway I need some venison chilli, bad. SO GOOD. I know I could check their website but oh so lazy. Do you know offhand what time at night they close?

Anonymous said...

Don't they have a Coach Leather outlet at BR? Could hit Tony's on way out or back.

Anonymous said...

Just close Your eyes and imagine all the things I`m about to do for You. http://a11b2.xyz?nianzj09128

Anonymous said...

Coach SUX overpriced Vuitton forever baby east oakland WHAT

Anonymous said...

Dan said the bacon at Tony's is too fatty and the portions aren't as big as they used to be Gloria are you serious you want to go? I'm not sure what time they open but church is out at 11

Anonymous said...

Yes, Sunday at noon should be fine. We could hit the Harry & David's there as well at BR. Lunch at Tony's isn't what it used to be. What about Frankenmuth? We haven't done that since the kids were young.

Anonymous said...

That young man sounds "ethnic." What else do they have there? Is there a bath and body works? I no it's an outlet but why all the way? Can't we just go to Sommerset?

Anonymous said...

Last time i was at somerset i got punched by a mall cop keed a lexus and then through upon those titties it was the shit i got them jordans you guys are clowns east oakland what

Anonymous said...

sometimes when I sneeze my dick gets hard

Anonymous said...

They told me to just start watching my sodium and cholesterol. I can eat that much bacon! We don't make it ver often and Dan like is extra crispy anyway. I never do it right, he says, I never do anything right

Anonymous said...

Oh dear lord. have you ever heard such language? These kids today they have no respect anymore

Anonymous said...

In today's episode: the Seraphine Collective throws a hissy fit

Anonymous said...

OK...who was supposed to babysit Asia???

Combover said...

Spamming a comments section = protest...smh

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